 The Jack Benny program, presented by LuckyStrike To give you more smoking enjoyment, luckies pay more Yes, to give you a finer cigarette. The makers of LuckyStrike consistently select and buy fine tobacco And pay millions more than official parity prices to get it, no doubt about it L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine ripe tobacco that the tobacco experts can see the makers of Lucky Strike buy at market after market. Listen to what Mr. Al Rogers, an independent tobacco auctioneer from Robertsonville, North Carolina, recently said. An auctioneer is in a position to watch actual sales and ought to know good tobacco. And, yeah, after year, I've seen American buy fine prime ripe tobacco that's just right for my good smoking. I smoke luckers for ten years. And that's not all. For a recent survey reveals that more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So smoke the smoke tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike. You'll discover there's more real deep down smoking enjoyment in every lucky you light. Because luckies pay more for fine tobacco. Millions of dollars more than official parity prices. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. See how much finer, milder, and more enjoyable luckies really are. You'll agree, in all the world there's no finer cigarette. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in bringing you the star of our show, it gives me great pleasure to bring you a man. Just a minute, Don. Don, hold it a minute. What? Don, today instead of you introducing me, I'm going to introduce you. Me? Yes, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, today not only marks the anniversary of Don Wilson's 25th year in radio, but it also commemorates his 16th year with me. So, Don, take a bow. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. And Jack, I want you to know that you're the nicest man I... No, no, no. I'll wait a minute, Don. Wait a minute. This day is yours. Today we will all pay homage to you. When I say we, I mean the entire cast. Your slightest wish will be our command. Whatever you... Don. Don, you're crying. Well, I can't help it, Jack. The way those tears are running between your chins, it looks like you're irrigating some. Now, Don, please stop sniffing. But I'm all right now. I just couldn't help getting emotional when I realized that you've been with me for 16 years. No, no, Don. Don, you've been with me. To think that I came on this show when it was down, and because of my personality and showmanship, I raised it to the pinnacle of success. Don. It wasn't easy. The hurdles were many. There were battles to be fought, but I faced them and brought us through to ultimate victory. I don't know. To hear him talk, you think I was the Navy and he was the airport. Don, as far as my program is concerned, you have a lot of nerve making statements like that. All right. Wait a minute, Jack. I heard what Don's he said, and I think he's right. Do I hear a voice from the peroxide counter at Rex Hall? You heard me, Duncan. Duncan? You want to go back to Clyde? No, no, no. Duncan is all right. Settle for Duncan, huh? Well, listen, Duncan, Don came with this program when it was down and he brought it all away. Now, just a minute, Phil. Now, wait a minute. Hold it a minute. The only time this program was down was when we broadcast from under a table for your convenience. Those were the most uncomfortable 13 weeks I've ever seen. Then you can stop with that, too, Jackson, because it may interest you to know that I, Phil Harris, after due deliberation, have decided to go on the water wagon. Phil? Phil, you mean you've really given up drinking? Yes, sir. Just one martini a day. Oh, perhaps, say, Phil, if you're on the wagon, you're not supposed to take even one drink a day. Jackson, my stomach is like a steel mill. You can shut it down, but don't let the fire go out. Well, you can stop drinking now and your stomach will smolder for the next 20 years. Believe me. Okay, okay, Jackson, now you've had your little fun. But since today is Don's Silver Anniversary in Radio, the boys in my band have got something for them. Here it is, Donzel. Well, gee, thanks, Phil. What is it, Don? What is it? Let me try and wrap it. Oh, Jack, look at this, a diamond-studded cigarette lighter. Yeah, I'm glad you like it, Donald. Well, boys went through a lot of trouble to get it. Well, Phil, as a beautiful lighter your boys got for Don, but you'd think it could be wrapped a little better. Who did it? The owner of the store. The owner of the store? I could have wrapped it better than that. Not with your hands up over your head. You mean your boys' hell of a jewelry store? Well, it was an accident. When they walked into the store, Remly had his guitar under his coat. Guy thought it was a machine gun. Threw up his hands and says, Take anything you want. Well, that's still dishonest. Franky should have opened his coat and showed the jeweler that it wasn't a gun. Oh, Franky did better than that. He took out his guitar, started to play, and the guy said, Look, you got what you want. Stop torturing. Well, that I can understand. Anywhere. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. I'm sorry I was late, but I was baking this cake. It's for Don Wilson's anniversary. Oh, well, that's sweet of you, Mary. I appreciate it. Say there's some writing on the cake, too. Read it, Mary. OK. To Don Wilson. This cake is topped with chocolate cream. The middle is filled with jelly, but if you eat it all at once, you'll get a pain in your stomach. Mary, stomach doesn't rhyme with jelly. Go argue with a sensor. Oh, yeah, yeah. And Don, I do want to congratulate you on this occasion. You must be very proud. Oh, I am, Mary. It gives me great satisfaction to think that 16 years ago, I took this program when it was down. And by my first down... It wasn't down. My program was always popular, and I can prove it. Mary, what was my Hooper rating when I first went in radio? XVI. XVI. They were using Roman numerals then. What are you talking about? I went on the air about the same time as Mr. Anthony. I know, but Cleopatra was with him. Cleopatra, Cleopatra. You know, Mary, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, girl who punts joke on radio soon punch clock at May Company. Now, just remember that, will you? Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Trick or treat. Trick or treat? Dennis, Halloween isn't until tomorrow. You're a day early. I am. Certainly. Oh boy, will my mother have the laugh on me? Why? I put a snake in her girdle. Dennis, that doesn't even make sense. Yes, it does. It was a garter snake. Dennis, for a kid who's fortunate enough to have two heads, why do you always leave the good one at home? It's rehearsing my other show. Now stop! You see, Mary, you can't talk to that kid without getting a silly answer. Well, look, Jack, if you don't want any more crazy answers, just tell him to sing his song, and that's all. I wouldn't tell him a thing. You tell him. Okay. Dennis, it's time for your song. What's it gonna be? Stomach high. Dennis, that's ballet high. Go argue with the censor. Will you stop making up jokes? Now what are you gonna sing? The Last Mile Home. All right, let's have it. Well, you're just mad because I know you're the walking man. Yes. Now go ahead and sing. Dennis, don't you think that since this is Don Wilson's 25th year in radio, you should have dedicated your song to him. To Don? Yes, you see, in his honor, we're calling this Don's Day. Gee, I can hardly wait till I've been in radio 25 years. Then it'll be Dennis Day. Yeah. Now, Don... Yes, Jack? In honor of your silver anniversary in radio, I'm going... Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Rochester, what do you want? I got bad news for you, boss. Bad news? Yeah, the man who sold you the yacht was here to collect the $50,000. Rochester, I wrote him a letter and told him I'm not going to pay for that yacht. I guess that's why the other man was with him. What other man? The man who was carrying the brief. Other man? You mean there were three of them? Four! Fabious corpus, direct tie and swatch! Rochester, stop beating around the bush and tell me what happened after you met these lawyers. Well, they mean business, boss. You either have to pay the money or go to jail. They left a summons for you. A summons? Read it to me. Well, it starts off the party of the first part, the colonial yacht company. Hereby it contends that Jack Benny, the party of the second part, committed fraud, deceit, and trickery with criminal intent. Oh, my goodness. Then the rest of the page is filled with a lot of legal talk I don't understand, ending with, what's off the schedule on the other side? What's the schedule on the other side? Visiting hours. Rochester, this is serious. Are the men still there? No, they left about two hours ago. Then why didn't you call me sooner? I was busy packing your clothes. I'm seasick pills in your pocket. Seasick pills? It may be out of the trash. They ain't going to take you on the Queen Mary. The whole thing is ridiculous. Nobody's sending me to jail and don't call me again unless it's important. Goodbye. Goodbye. What was that all about, Jack? Oh, nothing. Nothing is that yacht company trying to frighten me. Now, where were we? We were talking about my anniversary. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, for our featured tracks of the night. Hmm. Come in. Hi, Jack. Well, look who's here. Frank Sanofi. Say, I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Not at all, Frank. Not at all. It's good to see you, Franky. It certainly is, Frank. Yes, we feel quite honored. What do you need him for when you got me? Dennis, believe me, the fact that Sanofi is here has no reflection on your ability. It isn't, Mr. Benny. No, kid. You see, I'm glad Sanofi's here because he's one of the greatest singers in the country. Frank, I was supposed to read that. I know, Jack, but when I see a line like that in the script, I like to stroke it a while. Oh, oh. So he's one of the greatest singers in the country, huh? Yes, he is. How many shows has he got? One. Ha! Dennis, be quiet. Tell me, Frank, when did you get back from the East? Last week, Jack, I would have been back a little sooner, but I was on one of those local trains and it stopped at every town. Going through New Jersey, we stopped at Nork, Persaik, Red Bank, Plainfield, Elizabeth, Holt, yes? Hey, Frank, if you stopped in Plainfield, maybe you saw my sister, Babe. No, I didn't, Mary. In fact, I didn't even get off at Plainfield. We just stopped there for five minutes to take on a new engineer. That was Babe. Oh. Oh, then that explains it. Explains what? It's the first time I ever saw a pair of overalls with a plunging neckline. Look, I'm sure there are other things that we can discuss besides the adventures of Casey Livingston. I'm sorry. Say, Jack, I meant to ask you, how do you feel since you came home in the hospital? Oh, I'm fine now, Frank. Really okay. I'm glad to hear that. But you know, you'll never have to go to the hospital again if you take care of yourself like I do. Like you do? Well, yes, Jack. My system of keeping healthy is very simple. I get up bright and early every morning, take 15 minutes of exercise, and then they bring me a large glass of orange juice. What a workout. Workout? Drinking a glass of orange juice? Who drinks it? I swim in it. Oh. And getting around those seeds is murder. I wouldn't know. And then I take 10 minutes of deep breathing exercises. That's the way I've developed my chest to what it is today, you know. Oh, I see. I see. And, Frank, what is your chest measurement normally? 34 inches. And what is it expanded? 32. I wonder, how come your chest is two inches smaller when it's expanded? I don't know. I must have a slow leak somewhere. Well, that I can't understand at all, including my lead line. Oh, slow leak. Oh, that's funny. Oh, that's very funny. Now, Moby Dick. Moby Dick? That's no way to talk to me after I took this program and it was down. I was a big success all over New York, Chicago. And they loved me in St. Joe's. And they're crazy about me at Jagger's Lavaquina. Anyway, Jack, you shouldn't be so hard on Don. After all, he is celebrating his silver anniversary in radio. That's beside the point, Frank. Say, how did you know this was his silver anniversary? Why wouldn't I know? Don's the announcer on my Lucky Strike program, Light Up Time. That's right, Jack. I broadcast with Frankie five times a week. Gosh, Frank, I didn't realize you were on TV. Gosh, Frank, I didn't realize you were on five times a week. A half hour each program? No, 15 minutes. Ha! Well, Jack, you see, that's one of the reasons I came over here today. I cooked up a little song, especially for Don, and the sportsman Quintet's going to assist me. The sportsman Quintet? Yes, this is a special arrangement and it was necessary to add Mel Blank. Oh, that guy gets it on everything. Well, go ahead, Frankie, let's hear it. Don, this is especially for you. You must have been a beautiful baby You must have been a wonderful child When you were only starting to go to kindergarten I bet you drove the little girls wild And when it came to winning Blue Ribbon I bet you showed the other kids how I could hear the judges well as you stepped upon the scale You were so fat you couldn't bow Hey, you must have been a beautiful baby Cause, baby, look at you now Take it, boys! You must be waiting for the commercial You must expect a lucky strike song And that was our intention But now we have to mention That something went a little bit wrong We couldn't find the rightful good back door The speedy rinks with everything you see Even LSMFT We thought that that would work somehow Okay, I'll join you Let's ride a lucky right now You know they pay more Let's ride a lucky right now Frank, that was swell and I appreciate your dropping over My pleasure, Jack Well, look, Frank, as long as you're here Would you like to take part in a little play That I wrote based on the life of Don Wilson? Why, it'd be peachy. What part will I play? Well, you can be Don's father You're going to be Don's mother Gee, that means I'm Frank's wife That's right See, that's wonderful I always wanted an engineer for assistant law Yeah, now come on, let's get on with it Ladies and gentlemen In honor of Don Wilson's 25th year in radio We're going to present a play based on his life The Don Wilson story Or life can be plentiful Perky Music Our story opens in Denver, Colorado many years ago The stork has just delivered a precious bundle To the home of Mr. and Mrs. Donald C. Wilson, Sr. The mother happily whispers to the father Darling, it's a boy And the proud father said Yes, aren't we lucky, the stork brought us a boy And the stork said Oh, my aching back As the proud parents leaned over the crib Looking at their newborn son The baby said No Three days later, the baby said No He was developing slowly The next day, a friendly neighbor Dropped in to see this little bundle of joy You must be the happiest couple in Denver Let me see the little fellow There he is in his crib Isn't he a chubby baby? Oh, is he? The next day The next day, another neighbor Dropped in and the mother said Don't you think we have a cute baby? No And the following day The sister-in-law dropped in Stop, she was taking a fast freight to Frisco Later that evening The proud father was trying to put little Donald to sleep Now, come on, baby Company's gone and it's Betty by time Now, baby, stop that Baby, stop Baby, put me down You better let me have him, dear All right, darling Donald, close your little eyes The mommy will sing you to sleep Rock-a-bye, baby In the treetop When the wind blows The cradle will rock If the bow breaks The cradle will fall Down will come Donald Denver and all Look, dear, he's asleep When Donald was six years old He sent him to school The teacher looked up at him and said And now I'd like you children to recite the alphabet Donald Wilson, you go first A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-S-M-F-T That's correct, Donald The teacher used to work for the Board of Education But luckies paid more The years passed quickly and Don graduated from college From Lardee He went out to seek his fortune in radio It was tough for him to get a job First he applied to that famous comedian Fred Allen I think this is the street Mr. Allen lives on I'll try this house Howdy, Bob Pardon me, sir, but I'm looking for Fred Allen You mean the fellow who's his corneas Tandres in August? Never heard of him He tried the next door What do you do? Pardon me, sir, but I'm looking for Fred Allen You mean that fellow with the blarney stone under each eye? Yes Never heard of him He tried the next door Yes Pardon me, sir, are you Fred Allen? I would answer that, but I have no place to put all the prizes Goodbye, son Don didn't get the job, but he never stopped trying He was driven on by ambition, perseverance, tenacity, and Schwartz They were his agents So next day, he went to see another big star of that era Do you think you can use me on your radio program, Mr. Jolson? Ah Then Donald left New York and came to Hollywood to seek his fortune Babe drove him out When Donald arrived in Hollywood, he lost no time in making an appointment With the greatest comedian that the world has ever known A star whose position in the entertainment world Has never been challenged It was with fear and trepidation That Don went to the home of this great, great star Yes, I do for you Are you Jack Benny? The greatest comedian the world has ever known The star whose position in the entertainment world has never been challenged? Oh, ask So Don Wilson came to work for me and he has been my announcer ever since This made his father so happy That he flew out from Denver, climbed up on Don's knees, and sang And when it came to winning blue I knew you'd show the other kids how With your voice so strong and clear We're so glad that you are here So stand right up and take a bow Oh, you must have been a beautiful baby Caused you now I'll lift your option Don Z, look at you now Gentlemen, every year, fires that start through carelessness Lay waste to approximately 30 million acres of timberland Help prevent the shocking destruction of our forests Be careful with matches and when you smoke Never discard a match or cigarette without putting it out Help fight fires Jack, we'll be back in just a moment But first, To give you a finer cigarette Lucky's pay more Except the tobacco auctions Lucky's strike pays more for fine tobacco Millions of dollars more than official parity prices And if you could stand in one of the great tobacco warehouses You'd see plenty of action and excitement You'd see basket after basket of tobacco go on sale You'd hear the chant of the auctioneer as he sings out the bids And as the basket of particularly fine, light, ripe leaf is offered As the price hits the very peak bid Again and again, you'd hear And another basket of mild, mellow tobacco goes to Lucky Strike To make sure you get more, far more smoking enjoyment From every lucky you light Lucky Strike means fine tobacco And in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts So smoke that smoke that's famous for fine tobacco Lucky Strike Yes, light up a lucky and you'll be convinced Lucky's are a truly finer, milder, more enjoyable cigarette Make your next carton Lucky Strike Be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day Stay tuned for the Amazon Andy Shaw which follows immediately This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System