 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hover, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, with the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin and yours truly, Bill Foreman. But first a word from RCA Victor. It's a rare New Year's resolution that lasts throughout the year, but owners of America's finest television, RCA Victor, who resolved to get America's finest service throughout the year, are indeed fortunate. All they have to do is buy an RCA Victor factory service contract and let America's finest factory service technicians keep that New Year's resolution for them. It's a wise resolution really, because America's finest television deserves America's finest service. That RCA television plus an RCA Victor factory service contract is television's greatest combination. Resolve this year to enjoy television at its very peak of performance. Choose RCA Victor television and make sure you get the finest installation service and repair by RCA's own technicians. Remember though, whether you own a contract or not, a phone call to your local RCA service branch will bring a trained technician to service your set. Now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Well ladies and gentlemen, today is January 1st, 1954, New Year's Day, and most people are sitting around resting up from the holidays, but not Phil Harris. We find him at his desk in the den very busily engaged. Now, let me see. I'm going to start 1954 off with a clean slate. So the first thing I'll do is to clean out this desk. It's a mess. Man, man, look at this stuff in there. Let's see. A guide to the movie star's home. An orchestra baton autographed by Ina Ray Hutton. Here's an old phonograph record. Tex Ritters singing, my ranch house is in the sky so be careful when you step out the door. That tune never got any place. I can't understand it either. It was such a lovely melody. Oh, here's a book. A shortcut to successful harmonica playing. With a special chart showing which teeth to blow through. Uh-oh, here's an invitation to a violin recital at Knott's Berry Farm. I was sorry I had to miss that, I remember. I'm going to not throw any of this stuff away. You can never tell when you might need something. Hi, Curly. Happy New Year. Well, Elliot, same to you. Come on in. Curly, I don't understand it. You don't understand what? Well, it's New Year's Day. The day after New Year's Eve. And here you are as bright and shiny as the seat of a bus driver's pants. Well, what about it? What about it? Let's face it, Curly. Usually you spend the morning after New Year's Eve calling every hospital in town to see if you're there. Oh, no, sir, not this year, Rodney. Alice Knight played it real cool last night. We stayed home watching television till midnight, at which time we split a bottle of diatonic buttermilk. Then how come you got that wet towel wrapped around your head? Oh, that? Oh, I can explain that. Although I was a law-abiding citizen last night, my neighbor next door was throwing a brawl to end all brawls. I couldn't sleep, so along about 12.30, I went over and had a nice neighborly chat with him, and then came home. What time did you get home? 7 o'clock this morning. That's quite a little chat. Well, I really left my neighbor's house at 6.30, but took me a half hour to cross the alley. A half an hour to cross an alley? Well, I did it the hard way. I walked across on the clothesline, carrying a Japanese parasol. I would have made it much sooner, but halfway across, I met another Japanese going the other way. Why are you so busy working on a holiday, Curly? I'm just getting things neat and orderly. I'm not going to go into 1954 in no sloppy manner. First thing I'm doing is answering this mail. Man, has it been piling up? Well, I'll help you. Hey, here's a nice fat one. Uh-oh, it's a bill. And they say if you don't pay it pretty soon, it's going to sue you. Let me see that. What are they complaining about? This is only January, and that's a bill from November. November 1949. The water softener company says you owe them $250. $250 for softening the water? I like it that way. For $250, I'll come over and give you a bath in tapioca with a marshmallow rub. With a marshmallow rub. All right, just get on with the mail, huh? What's the next one? That's a New Year's card. It's from your insurance company, the Plymouth Rock Mutual. Read it, Elliot. May I? May we wish you seasons greetings upon this New Year day. We received your insurance premiums. There's nothing more to pay. So let the New Year bells ring out from Frisco to Nantucket. Happy New Year. You're all paid up in case you kick the bucket. You'll go a long way before you find a sweeter sentiment than that. Now, the next thing on my list is resolutions for the New Year. Because this year, it's going to be diff- Oh, Curly, why do you go through that childish thing every year? You never keep them. Elliot, how can you say a thing like that? Oh, hello, Alice. Phil lived up to his resolutions last year. I've got them written down right here. And he's kept every one of them. I like resolutions. They improve you. Listen to the first one. Quote, during 1953, I, Phil Harris, will refrain from getting into any fights with Rocky Marciano. There's one that'll improve you. Yeah, I got a willpower like that. Number two, during 1953, I, Phil Harris, will take care of my beautiful body. Alice, it does not say beautiful body. It says lovely. All right. Well, look, now I'll leave you two to figure out your New Year's resolutions. I'm going to fix some lunch. Okay, honey. You know what I'm going to do, Elliot? What are you going to do? This year, for once, I'm going to prove to everybody that I have got real willpower. I'm going to quit smoking. Quit smoking? Curly, that's impossible. You smoke two and a half packs a day. That's right. That's right. And just to make it real tough, I am going on a diet and lose 10 pounds. Oh, Curly, you mean both at the same time? Yeah. Oh, you've said that four million times. Wait a minute now. Wait a minute. I mean it this time. You see, Elliot, I'm now a motion picture actor. And when I appear on the screen, I must look my best. And smoking makes my eyes bloodshot. No comment. Oh, Curly, quit smoking you might get away with, but not the two together. You can't give up food, too. You're a big man with a knife and a fork. Look, Elliot, I'm no more fond of food than anybody else. Are you kidding? How about Christmas dinner? Normal people carve a turkey. You're a big man with a knife and a fork. Look, Elliot, I'm no more fond of food than anybody else. Are you kidding? Christmas dinner, normal people carve a turkey. You clobber it. Well, lunch is all ready. Be right there, honey. Come on, Elliot. Let's have lunch, and I'll tell you all about the diet thing while we're eating. Just a second, Curly. You've got to either diet or you don't diet. What do you mean? You've got to start now. You've got to turn down that lunch. Turn down the lunch? Yeah, you can't eat any more of Alice's cooking. I know a little health food restaurant where you can eat anything you want and you don't gain weight. Oh, Bill, come on. Your lunch is ready. Tell her, Curly, now is the time. Yeah, I guess you're right. I've got to use my will, Tar. Bill! No, Alice, I don't want any lunch. Oh, Elliot, this is murder, real murder. You see, I have to eat or my nerves get jumpy. Quick, Elliot, give me a cigarette. No cigarette, Curly. You swore off smoking. Oh, great. I can't eat and I can't smoke. Let's face it, Elliot. There's nothing left for me to do but to poison myself. That's out, too. You can't drink either. Come on, Marlin. I'll take you to that health food restaurant. Well, Curly, I know it isn't much to look at, but the food here is guaranteed to have all the calories removed. Anybody that has any health problems comes here. Yeah, yeah. Some of them look like they just made it. Load of them customers. It looks like the reject room at Mayo Brothers. Curly, please, no snap judgments. Look, there's a guy just got up from the table. Why don't you ask him how he enjoyed his meal? Yeah, that's an idea. Hey, mister, do you eat here all the time? Yes, I've been eating here for two years now and it's wonderful. I felt better in my life. In fact, I'm looking for a job. Come over sometime when we're cleaning the Venetian blinds. Yeah, thank you, mister. Goodbye, sonny. I don't want to ricochet romance. Look, Elliott, on second thought, I'm too nervous to eat. I haven't had a cigarette for so long. I'm going outside and enjoy a deep breath of smog. Now, wait a minute, Curly. You've got to stick with this if you want to lose that weight. Well, well, gentlemen, how do you do? And welcome to the vitamin nook. I'm Ms. Quiddly, your food counselor. I'm going to suggest a menu for you, but first I want you to step over to our bar. Bar? Yes, we always start off with a cocktail, and you're in luck because today's special cocktail is the Zimbi. It's composed of one pot carrot juice, one pot kumquat juice, two pots turnip juice, and just a dash of cabbage squeezing and topped off with a glob of Bulgarian side dishes. Lady, it's in a crouching position. We haven't begun to eat your appetite yet. Guess what the first course in our luncheon is? Oh, you never guess. I could, but I'm afraid I'd be right. It's a salad I created myself called the Sheep Hurders Delight. Watercress, bamboo shoot, radish tops, and egg rolls. Watercress, bamboo shoot, radish tops, and alfalfa. What are we going to do, eat or graze? Sit down at this cozy little table here and I'll be right back with everything. You know, I prepared the main course personally myself. Yeah, I could tell. Wasn't it delicious? All the ingredients are put in a large wooden bowl and tossed. Tossed, it tasted more like something that Mickey Mantle threw in from center field. You get them very much and do come again. Dear diary, this is the fourth day. Don't know how I'd do it. My lunch at the health restaurant today consisted of a small lentil, a peel grape, and a spoonful of sunflower seeds. Washed down with a shot of dandelion broth. But don't worry, dear diary. I'm going to make it. Signed anxious. Dear diary, this is the fifth day. No food, no cigarettes. I think my nerves are beginning to crack. Usually when I go to bed, I dream of Ava Gardner. Last night I dreamed about her again. But this time, instead of a bathing suit, she was wearing a wraparound pork chop. Never thought I'd get that hungry. I'm reaching a danger point. Things are getting distorted and all out of proportion. Like this morning, I was sitting on one side of the room and Alice was sitting on the other side of the room when all of a sudden... What was that? What was that? I'm sewing and I dropped my thimble. Bill, what's the matter with you lately? What makes you so jittery? I'm not jittery. Yes, you are. You're jittery and you act frighten. I'm not frighten. You are too. Now what's the matter? Come on out of the fireplace and tell mom. I'm not quivering. I'm not quivering. You certainly aren't. What is that you're hiding behind you? Let me see. I won't. You will too. Now let me see that I... Fail. I cut it out of a magazine. A picture of a stack of Aunt Yemima pancakes. You know what? I think they're beautiful. That syrup looks so real. Honey, what's come over you? Oh, leave me alone. It's the 14th day. I just couldn't stand it any longer in the house so I took a walk. A brisk walk. Mr. Harris? Huh? Oh. Hello, Tommy. I'm... I'm kind of tired. You mind if I sit down on the curb with you? No, Mr. Harris. Come on. You got a candy bar there, ain't you? It's no Henry bar. And it sure is good too. It's got marshmallow in the center and got a lot of caramel around it. Then comes a bunch of pecans and then some more caramel and marshmallow. And there's a lot of peanut chocolate coated with chocolate. Who asked you? Now eat that whole bar all by yourself. Look at him. Eight years old and already is a juvenile delinquent. Hey, Tommy, buddy. Hey, Thomas. I'd like to have a little talk with you. Haven't we... Come over here, Tommy. Come over closer to me. That's it. Hey, Tommy, buddy. Haven't we always been pals? In fact, we've been more than pals. We've been buddies, haven't we? I mean, Phil. Phil and Tommy. Our relationship's been just like father and son. Boy, you're mine. Boy, you're mine. He's on the other side. Excuse me. It's the 15th day of my diet and I've lost nine pounds and 13 ounces. But I weighed when I was born. Boy, only three ounces to go. I would have lost those three ounces, too, but I cheated a little at the Rose Bowl game. I ate two pom-poms in the chrysanthemum. It's now 12 o'clock at night. I'm sitting here all alone in my rocking chair. And to keep my mind off of smoking and eating, I just drank 22 glasses of water. That's a lot of water. Maybe I better stop rocking. She and I feel kind of lightheaded. Maybe I won't make it after all. Maybe I should have something to give me a little strength. I know what I'll do. I'll sneak into the kitchen quietly and have one little cracker. Yeah, a cracker. Oh, there they are. I'm just going to have one, but I'll make it last. First, I'll lick off the salt. Then I'll nip just a corner. It's my kitchen, ain't it? And what are you doing driving your grocery truck up to my house at this hour? Where have you been? I understand, Julius. There's too many ramifications. I have, Julius, keep it down. It's just a... Well, it's a little thing I've been trying to keep from Alice. It's... Well, I've been doing something, and I... Well, I cheated a little. Now, wait a minute. She was a movie star at 20th Century Fox. Julius, you're going to wake up Alice. Time for this. I've been under a terrific strain. I'm desperate. Now, don't give me no more trouble, or I'll... Julius, I'm warning you. Alice, I just came out to the kitchen to get something to eat, and this guy... Oh, well, God, he was fair. Look, why don't you run along, Julius? I'll put Mr. Harris to bed. Okay, but don't forget... I quit smoking. For the last two weeks, I've been as nervous as a bearded lady, mowing the lawn. Oh, pal. Gee, how about the waistline, honey? Wasn't it worth starving for? I wish I could say yes, pal, but I've got some news for you. Your director, Bill Wellman, just called, and he looked at the last 10 days of film, and he said he's going to have to shoot it all over again because you look so scrawny. You mean? Mm-hmm. They can continue till you gain at least 10 pounds. Oh, honey, will you say that just once more? You've got to gain 10 pounds. All right, quick, honey. Hand me a cigarette, will you? Thanks. Oh, man. Let the end with the filter on it. Yeah, how do you like that? Up till now, I've been throwing away the best part. Honey, there's one more thing. When my mail comes tomorrow, will you put it inside the refrigerator? Why? Because that's going to be my address for the next three days. Allison Phil will be back in just a moment. Hey, Curly, what are you doing? You're out right, Elliot. Take an inventory of my Christmas gifts. Now, let me see. One Joe Miller Joke Book. From Alice? From my sponsor. And six ties, four shirts, and my bonus. Mm-hmm. About $30. Cash for Christmas. Wonderful. What are we going to do with it? The question is, what am I going to do with it? How about a pair of slacks size 34? I don't wear a 34. I do. Look, look, I want to buy something really useful, something I can enjoy for years and years. Oh, well, and the best you can do is turn your Christmas cash into an RCA Victor radio. Now, you're using your noodle. And here's the man with the facts, Bill Foreman. Hey, Bill. Yes, Phil? Can I get an RCA Victor radio for about $20 or $30? You sure can, Phil, even less. A table radio that'll be swell for the kitchen costs as little as $19.95. For a few dollars more, you can get a clock radio that'll wake you to music instead of that threshing machine you call an alarm clock. Or what about an RCA Victor portable radio? That's a pretty big choice. I can't figure out which one to get. Make it easy on yourself. See all the RCA Victor radios at your dealers tomorrow. Thanks, Bill. I'll do it. This is Phil again. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks so much for listening during the past year and made the coming year not only bring you health and happiness, but everything you've worn it. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, transcribe, we're Stuffy Singer, Marjorie List, and Will Wright. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. Remember this famous vaudeville team? Doctor! Oh, you butcher! That's all I want to know. Here, here, where are you going? I'm going home. I forgot something. What'd you figure? I forgot to stay home. Uh-huh, running out on the doctor, eh? Better than being carried out. Yes, it's Smith and Dale, and they're acting the songs and acts of the 50 of the brightest stars from vaudeville to video are an RCA Victor's exciting album, Showbiz. Listen to RCA Victor's wonderful Showbiz album at your dealers now. Everyone would like to win $5,000. You'll have your chance next week by tuning in to the Dennis Day television show. Get details of this exciting contest on the Dennis Day show next week. Consult your local program listings for time and station. Here, John Cameron Swayze on the news on the NBC Radio Network.