 The Avon and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes, and that Popeye Little Weather Prophet who saw the groundhog this morning and calmly said, Hey! I've been looking for you all day. Oh, Abbot, I'm a pretty busy man. I spent the whole day in my backyard hanging prunes on my orange tree. Hanging prunes on your orange tree? Who told you to do that? My gardener. He said the orange tree needed pruning. Dear gardener, meant you should get a ladder and saw the limbs. I don't need no ladder. I saw the limbs from my window. Oh, hold on. What kind of limbs can you saw from your window? The limbs of Ruby Poole Q. She lives in a store. No, no. And my girl, you know. No, no, no. I understand. I'm talking about the limbs on your tree. Did you saw the limbs? Certainly I saw the limbs. They was hanging right in front of me. No, no, no. Look, just a minute. Did you saw them off? No, no, Castella. You don't saw them on. You saw them off. They was off. How can I see them? Because you had to see them when you saw them. Castella, when I say saw, I don't mean the kind of saw you saw when you see. I mean the kind of saw you saw when you saw. Oh, you don't mean the kind of saw you saw when you see. You mean the kind of see you saw when you see saw. Now you've got it. I'm trying to tell you how to prune a tree. Look, Castella, if you want your tree to grow good oranges, it's got to be trimmed before the sap rises. Before the sap rises? Yes. That's right. What time do you get up? I am. When you talk sense. Look, what kind of oranges grow on your trees? Oh, the regular kind. Round ones. No, no, no. Are they Valencius or naval oranges? Oh, these are naval oranges. How do you know? I saw a sailor picking some. No. How can you be so stupid? You can tell the difference between oranges by the color of the juice. Did you ever squeeze one of your oranges? Oh, yeah. And what came out? Milk. Milk? Yeah. How could your oranges have milk in them? I got the trees from the nursery. What's wrong with that? All right. What did I tell you? All right. Come on. Come on with me, Castella. We're going out in the backyard and look at your tree. Hey, wait a minute. Look out that window. There's a big crow sitting up in your tree. Hey, Evan, that crow's got a lot of nerve. Hand me my sword-off shotgun. All right. Here it is. Hey, wait a minute. This gun hasn't got any handle on it. How do you like that? I saw it off the wrong end. Watch what you're doing. You're pointing that gun right at me. Do you want to shoot me? Don't worry. Don't worry. I got my finger over the hole. Hey, stand back. Stand back, Evan. All right. I'm going to teach that crow not to eat my oranges. Watch me get him. Hey, was that a crow? Uh-uh. That was the old bus that lives next door. Come on, Castello. Let's see what happened. Castello, that was your neighbor, Mrs. Beanbag. That's the one you shot. And here she comes. Oh. I need you to keep your bucket out of my tree. I'm stealing my oranges. Your orange tree hangs over into my yard. And the law says that whatever hangs over my fence belongs to me. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, look at here, Mrs. Beanbag. Did you ever see a fat man standing at a bar? Yes. What about it? Does the part that hangs over the bar belong to the bartender? Castello, apologize to Mrs. Beanbag for knocking her out of the tree. Come on. I'll see you. Apologize to me. What did I do? What did you do? Castello. Not only that, you're stamped on my... Yeah, yes. Yes, listen. What other kind of flowers I got there? Never mind. Never mind that. Will you stop fighting with a lady? Stamped on my holly hockerson. Never mind. I could say the word. All right. Well, just don't fight with a lady, please. Yes, young man. You have very bad manners. In my day, men didn't fight with women. In your day, the men were too busy fighting the Indians. Did it? I've heard enough. I'm going to call my husband. All salted. Come here and speak to this ruffian. I'm going to speak to the ruffian. Look, Mr. Beanbag. Castello made a very serious mistake. He shot at your wife. Oh, he made a worse mistake than that. What could be worse than Castello shooting at your wife? He missed her. Oh. He made a worse mistake than that. Yeah, what's that? You married her. Oh, yeah. Oh, my Beanbag. Are you going to stand there while this man insults me? No, I'm not going to stand out. Bring me a chair. Oh, I have a both of you. Mr. Castello, I'm taking you into court. I'll teach you to fire your shotgun at a defense's woman. All I was doing was picking a few oranges. Picking a few oranges? Now, look here, Mrs. Beanbag. I've been watching you for weeks. I didn't mind when you reached up and took a few oranges for breakfast. I didn't even mind at times when you came out and filled your apron with my oranges. But today, when you climbed my tree with your bucket and hung from a branch by your nose so you could pick with both hands, sickness grove, but you have filled... You butt in, Lou, for a lot of fun. And now I've got to do a quick switchover into the no fun department. A few words about this current cigarette shortage. No, I'm not going into a lot of long explanation, but I do want to say this on behalf of the makers of camels. They made more camels in 1944 than ever before in their history, and production schedules for 1945 provide for even more. Still, the demand for them cannot be met. But when you do get camels, they're still camels. Rich, full flavor, wonderful, cool mildness. The camel brand will not be sold on the river. Camels would not be camels if they were made of green, insufficiently cured tobaccos. So every time you buy cigarettes, ask for camels. The mildness and flavor of their costlier, properly aged tobaccos make them worth asking for again. And again. C-A-N-E-L-S War or peace, camel is still camel. Camel Cigarettes now presents Freddie Rich with a wonderful arrangement of Begin the Begin. This is Lou Costello. The prisoner is charged with perforating. Bean bag, why can't we drop this case? I didn't mean to shoot at you. Honest, I didn't. I'm a nice little fella. Why, I even leave my chewing gum under theater seats for other people. Please, Mrs. Beanbag. Well, Costello, I'm willing to drop the whole case if you'll pay me 50 cents to get a new bucket. Gee, you're a swell woman. Here's your 50 cents. No, you don't, Costello. Abbot, let me pay the 50 cents. You'll do nothing of the kind. I said no. I said no. I said no. Now listen, if you give that woman that money, it shows you're guilty. We're going to fight this case. I've hired you a lawyer. I am sure Grandi is a lawyer. I am Grandi. It's Kitzel. Yes. I'll get this guy out of here. I'll get my uncle Artie Steppes to defend me. This Kitzel ain't no lawyer. No, no. Just a second. Just a second, Mr. Kitzel. Can't smell you. Can't smell me. Costello! All right. Well, I have you to know, I happen to be one of the greatest legal minds in the world. In my first case, I defended Dreyfus. Alpha Dreyfus of Devil's Island? No. Reckless Dreyfus from Coney Island. Oh, now don't give me that stuff. Kitzel, you don't look like a lawyer to me. Oh, peace pass. You don't look like a lawyer to me. And why don't I look like a lawyer to you? You've got your hands in your own pockets. Please let me pay, Mrs. Beanbag, the 50 cents, and then I can get out of here. Who, who, over my dead habeas corpus, Mr. Castillo? Castillo. You know, we can't lose this case. Just remember that old saying, a board in the hand is worth. Go ahead. There's more. Everybody rise, presenting his honor, Judge Sam Quenton Leavenworth. All right, Bailiff. Bring in the first. Bring in the first. Bring in the next. Bring in the whole case. Defendant Mr. Castorier. Now it's Castorier. It seems that my client took a shot at your poor defenseless woman while she was peaking oranges out of a tree. He knocked her to the ground, ruined her bucket, and did her great bodily injury. The defense rests. Kitzel, wait a minute. Whose side are you on? Quiet, Castello. Kitzel knows what he's doing. You said that you know the judge and I are old friends. I call him Morris. Well, Morris will give me the chair. I'll have it. 50 cents. Mr. Kitzel, you may proceed with your questioning. Thank you, Your Honor. Now, Mr. Castellanets. Now, I'm a musician. Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I do. Your Honor, we plead insanity. Kitzel, what's the idea? Castello, he's taking advantage of the law. He's making use of the insanity clause. But I don't believe insanity clause. Defended, Lucas, Castello, guilty is charged. He will pay Mrs. Beanbag 50 cents or serve 30 days in jail. Abbott, please let me give this woman her 50 cents. Oh, no, because we're going to appeal this case to a higher court. Don't forget the words of that great poet, stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars are caged. Yes, and don't forget the words of that other great poet, Tom Zissimus. He says 30 days has September, April, June, and Lou Castello. Mr. Castello, president will step to the bar. Castello, are the chains heavy? Abbott, would you mind holding up this 500-pound ball? Why don't you please let me pay Mrs. Beanbag the 50 cents? Your Honor, I would like to ask my client just one question. Request granted. Thank you. Now, Mr. Castello, tell the jury where were you on the afternoon of February 1st? I was home. Oh, you poor boy. You should have been with me. I had a wonderful time. You know I had two bottles of sepening? Sepening? Yes. What's sepening? What's happening with you? The defense rests. Alcatraz, here I come. The court has considered the new evidence in this case. Prisoner Castello, when you fired your shotgun at Mrs. Beanbag, some of the buckshot lodged in the oranges. The woman's husband, Homer Beanbag, ate one of the oranges and died of lead poisoning. Therefore, Lou Castello, you were found guilty of murder in the first degree, and it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the term of 99 years at hard labor. Castello, do you have any last request to make before I send you away? Yes, sir. Don't fence me in. To hundreds of requests from her camel fans, Connie Haynes repeats her treatment of the trolley saw. With my high touch, color and my high touch shoes and my hip, high up on my head with the jolly, with his light brown derby and his bright green tie, he was quite the handsomest of men left upon my feet. In spite of the fact that the makers of camels have been turning out more cigarettes than ever before in their history, but when you do get camels, they're still camels. This brand will not be sold on the river. You can count on that. Only the choice of tobaccos properly aged go into camels. So every time you buy cigarettes, ask for camels. The mildness and rich full flavor of their costlier tobaccos make them worth asking for again and again. Sleep and heal as camels. War or peace, camel is still camel. This rock pile, Castello, why are you always complaining? You should be thankful that I got myself a job as God so I could be with you. This is beanbag to see prisoner, Castello. Oh, Mr. Castello, there's been a terrible mistake. My husband, Homer, didn't die of lead poisoning after all. The doctors removed all the buck shots. Hank, heavens, Homer got the lead out. You can walk out of here a free man. Guard put the prisoner in his cell until morning. All right, Castello, in you go. Abbott. Abbott. What's the matter now? I don't want to spend the night in this cell. The place is full of rats. Don't be afraid, I'm here. I know it, but it's the little rats I'm afraid of. That's your cell, mate. That's your cell, mate. What's the matter? He'll be glad to have you for company. See you later, Castello. So are the individuals. What are you in here for, partner? Huh? Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't realize you were talking to me. Thank you for calling me partner. Those are the first kind words I've heard in years. You have a very kind face, little man. Sort of an open one. You see, I haven't always been a raggedy, scurvy-looking outcast like you. If you have some measure of intelligence, my story might interest you. Did you go to school? Yes, sir. I went to school last year. Did you pass your examination? No, sir. But I was first on the list of those that failed. Very well. I'll tell you my story. I don't care to hear it. Well, then I will positively tell it to you. When I was a boy, my father gave me the benefit of a very good education. Eight years at the Peritone School College. I worked hard and diligently. I soon became a success and settled down in a small and thriving community. And then I met her. We were married. The good gods of fortune smiled on upon us and blessed us with a baby boy. A boy, mind you. And I haven't seen my boy since this very day. You haven't seen your little boy from that day until this? No, sir. Wait a minute. Did he have curly black hair? Yes. And did he have little blue eyes? Yes, yes. And did he have too little? For my little family, and then one day the other man came into my life. He was a poor man, broken in health and spirit. I welcomed him into my home gladly. I said, Make my home your home. And he did. It turned from white to fine that home was no longer home. Do you know what it was? Third base? No. No. My wife, the baby and the stranger had fled. Then I started a search that lasted for years. I followed them around the world. Honolulu, China, Singapore, India. Then one day on the banks of the river Pocamoco, I found him. When I saw him standing there, all the hatred, all the pent-up emotion of years suffering dwelled up within me. So it's murder in my heart. Step by step I have crapped upon him. And when I felt his vile breath upon my cheek, I struck. Oh, God, Zooks, what have I done? You done? What's happening to me? What? Oh, yes, yes. I remember you now. You're the little man with the kind face. I didn't mean to hurt you. But every time I hear the word Pocamoco, I want to kill. That's all right, pal. I know how you feel. I would have done the same thing if I had seen that nasty man in Poco. I did. What did you say? Pocamoco? Pocamoco! I want to see his bottles in between my fingers. So slow. Step by step I have crapped upon him. And when I saw the spike upon his countenance, I struck. Here comes the warden. You've been completely exonerated and you may leave the jail at once. Well, Castello, shake hands with your old cellmate and let's get going. Not me. I don't think I'd better go near that guy ever. He eats too many Wheaties. Oh, nonsense. He looks like a nice old man. He might have been a nice old man once, but something must have happened to him at Poco. I don't want to say it. What word? A word. What word is that? Sounds like Pocahunters. What are you worrying about? What is it? It sounds like Pocahunters. But what is it? Pocamoco! Next of the week. Tonight we salute Lieutenant Betty Berry of Forest Hills Long Island. Just awarded the air medal for meritorious achievement in the China India Burma Theater. She is one of the first women in this area to be given this coveted decoration. In your honor, Lieutenant Berry, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes. Those honors are yank of the week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camel sent free each week. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcast, to practically every area in the world where our men are fighting, and in cooperation with the Good Neighbor Policy, also to Central and South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, Monday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks, and next Thursday to Abed and Costello. And now, here are but Abed and Lou Costello with a final word. Well, Costello, you had a pretty rough time tonight. How about coming out to my house for some refreshments? Gee, Abed, yeah. What do you live? Well, 2964 Pocomoco Street. Pocomoco! Slow. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abed and Costello show. And remember, camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how camel's mildness, coolness and flavor click with you.