 The Grape Nuts Flakes Program, coming to you from the United States Marine Base in Quantico, Virginia, and starring Jack Benny. With Mary Livingston, Dennis Day, Rochester, yours truly, Don Wilson, and the McFarlane Twins in the orchestra. You know what I received the other day? A fan letter. Yes, heard it said. Why don't you people do something about that dull word, delicious? I've heard it on the air 40 times today. Go and get yourself a new word. So my fan doesn't like delicious, huh? Well, I wonder if he'd settle for a super-duper pan dandy. Well, instead of saying how delicious Grape Nuts Flakes are, I can certainly call them sweet as a nut Grape Nuts Flakes. And oh boy, does that describe to a T, they're delicious... No, no, now wait a minute. I mean their multi-rich flavor. And I'll wager there's one thing my fan does like about delicious, and that's the ditto way Grape Nuts Flakes tastes. And their ditto, crisp and toasty texture. And does this nutritious and delectable breakfast food satisfy why you'll find the whole family clamoring for it? So try this Ambrosial, this well-elegant breakfast dish Grape Nuts Flakes tomorrow. You'll find they're delicious. From Quanticore, Virginia, where we're broadcasting to the world's roughest, toughest fighting men, the United States Marine... You said it. We bring you the Waukegan Cream Puff, Jack Benny. What happened to that first number there? My goodness. I thought Phil Harris was back with us again. Hello again, this is Jack Benny speaking and Don. Don, you can talk about my gray hair and you can kid me about being shall I say, conservative. But when you call me a Cream Puff, that's going too far. Well, when I was a young fellow in Waukegan, everybody used to call me the mangler. The mangler? My goodness, why did they call you that? I used to crush strawberries at a soda fountain. I was the best jerk they had. Soda, of course. And talk about being tough. Why, Don, would you believe it, when I was only eight years old, I had a fight with a kid who was over 12. And what happened? I knocked her cold. She had it coming though. She was always dipping my curls in the ink well. But you're right about these marines down there as rugged a bunch of boys as I've ever seen. I mean, they've got what it takes. Pardon me, come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. I'm a half of the marine station here. I want to welcome you to Chronicle. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Pull in your car. Gee, these guys are really in condition, aren't they, Don? Yes, they certainly are. By the way, Jack, how's Mary's cold? Is she going to be on the program tonight? No, no she isn't on. She'll be back next Sunday though. You know, we've been knocking around the country at a pretty fast clip, and a woman can't take it like we men. I feel fine myself. You do, Mr. Benny? Yeah. How do I look? Well, I'll probably get flugged for this, but you look like something that's cat dragged out. That's in. Dragged in. This cat dragged you out again. Never am I. Hello, Dennis. Hello. Dennis, Dennis, what do you mean I look bad? I mean, what's wrong with me? Well, gee, you're awful pale and run down looking. Well, sure I'm pale. I ruined my sun lamp trying to make waffles in it. What else is wrong? Remember this morning on the train when you were shaving? Yeah. Well, you cut yourself and no blood came out. Yipe! Well, that settles it. I got to see a doctor. I'll mail out bids and get an estimate on a good checkup. First thing tomorrow. Tell me, Jack, who's going to take Mary's place on the program tonight? After all, we do need a girl's voice. Well, uh, well... Don't look at me. I'm just a tenor. I'm not looking at you. I was about to say that Virginia Bruce is going to be with us tonight. Virginia Bruce? Yeah, she's down here on location for a picture and she very graciously consented to come over. You mean Virginia Bruce, the big movie actress? Yes, sir. You mean the beautiful blonde with the dreamy eyes that I'll fall madly in love with and ask her to marry me and she'll say no and I'll hang myself with that lousy neck tie you gave me for Christmas? Oh, boy, what an imagination that kid's got. It comes in handy when you haven't got a girl, believe me. Anyway, Miss Bruce will be here in a few minutes and Dennis, I want you to be on your best behavior. What do you mean? I mean no standing on your head and showing off. And, uh, now, folks... He hates me because I can stand on my head. I hate you because your head is flat and you can do it the easy way. It's not fair to the rest of us. Well, here comes the musical end of the program, the McFarlane twins. Hello, Art, George. Hello, Mr. Buddy. Gee, these two boys do look exactly alike. If George didn't owe me five bucks, I couldn't tell him apart. By the way, George, when are you going to pay me that money? Right now, I'm tired of wearing this ring in my nose. Well, I... I had to mark you. I didn't want to get that old run around, you know? Now, fellas, Virginia Bruce should be here pretty soon, so in the meantime, let's have your band number. Gee, is Virginia Bruce going to be on this program? That's right. I think she's terrific. Don't you, George? I think she's terrific. Don't you, Art? I think she's terrific. Don't you, Dennis? Dennis, stop talking to yourself. Now, come on, fellas. Let's have that band number and put some real stuff in it. Remember, we're playing for the United States Marines. A bunch of red-blooded, rare-and-tearing guys. Hey, Sergeant Wilson. You said it, buddy. Not tell these guys what you had for breakfast this morning. Toasty brown sweet is a nut-grape nut place. Of course. Of course what? Of course, sir. That's more like it. And what do these grape nuts place come in? I make 12-ounce economy-sized packets. Sir. Right. And what does grape nut place contain? Dier, niacin, or vitamin B1. Very good, Billy. Now button your lip. Yes, sir. Gee, how could we get so tough on breakfast food? Oh, well, play, McFarlane. Taking a chance on love played by the McFarlane twins and their orchestra. And, fellas, that was all right. You twins are really going places. And now, boys... Twins. That's a hot one. What do you mean a hot one? It so happens, Dennis, that they are twins. Oh, yeah? They both have boys and the other ones are dummy. Believe me, Dennis, there's no ventriloquism involved. They're both flesh and blood. Then I better quit carving my initials than the one I thought was wood. Yes. And now, boys, no use waiting. I got to give that kid a hot chocolate with a Mickey in it. Now, boys, I'd like to have you meet that beautiful and talented screen actress, Miss Virginia Bruce. Come on over here and take a bow, Virginia. Thank you, Jack. Well, listen to that. Miss Virginia, you got more applause than I did. Well, this is my last pair of nylon stockings. I'm glad they're doing a good job. Oh, is that it? Well, now that you've brought up the subject, Virginia, I've got pretty good-looking legs myself. Here, look. Not bad, eh? I'd hate to get an order of mashed potatoes without many lumps in them. Well, I've been taking vitamin pills and they don't dissolve. But, uh, I don't know. I think, uh, I think my legs are gorgeous. And those pink ladies got it. Did you borrow them from Mary? Oh, no, no, Virginia. A girl threw them at me in a burlesque theater. She hooked my ear with one of them, but the other one I had a fight for. What a brawl. My hand still hurts while you stomped on it. Don't be so grabby. Virginia, this is our young tenor, Dennis Day. Hello, Dennis. Gee, Miss Bruce, this is the happiest moment of my life. Well, just say the word and I'll stand on my head. Dennis, you'll have to pardon him, Virginia. He's so emotional. You're panting a little yourself, Daddy. Oh, yes, I am. And this is our announcer, Don Wilson. Hello, Mr. Wilson. How do you do, Miss Bruce? I can't stand on my head for you, but I can shuffle my chins like a deck of cards. Don, Don, don't act like a schoolboy. Get a load of them, fellas. Huckleberry hippo. And now, Virginia, I'd like you to meet the twins, Art and George. Glad to know you boys. Same here. See, aren't they cute, Virginia? My goodness, Jack, I didn't know you had twins. Oh, they're not mine. They're the McFarlane twins. By the way, Virginia, I understand you're down here making a picture. How's it coming along? Well, we haven't started shooting yet. Mr. Rathoff, the director, is looking over typical southern locations. Oh, you mean Gregory Rathoff? Yes, you ought to meet him, Jack. He has the cutest Russian dialect. Oh, I know Rathoff and his dialect. We're old friends. Did you tell Gregory you were going to be on my program tonight? Certainly. What'd he say? Watch out, Virginia. He's old, but he's a wolf. Well, I do have my romantic moment. By the way, Virginia, speaking of pictures, I've been in. Who's speaking of pictures you've been in? I am. I am. See, I've got a new one coming out pretty soon called the meanest man in the world. A nice title, isn't it? Yeah. But Jack, that doesn't fit you at all. Why, good heavens, you're not the meanest man in the world. I'm not? Of course not. How could anyone be mean who has such a sweet, friendly smile? Well, I... Big blue eyes that are always twinkling. Well, my eyes have been compared to the waters of the Minnetonka. Uh, what, uh, what else, Virginia? Well, we've already mentioned your lumpy legs. Oh, those are vitamin pills, you know? I'm just kidding, Jack. You're really one of the nicest, sweetest, kindest, most considerate... Most lovable? Wait for me. Oh, pardon me. You know, Virginia, it's funny that all the time we've been in Hollywood, you and I have never made a picture together. You know, you'd think that... Come on, Virginia! Hey, that sounds like Raptop. What's he doing here? Oh, he came to pick me up. We're interviewing several local boys to play opposite me in the picture. Oh, you mean you haven't got a leading man yet? No. We're looking for a young fellow with one of those charming southern accents. Well, shut my mouth, honey child. Why'd you all say so sooner? How's that sound, Virginia? Like a minstrel show, but maybe rattleful like it. It's a cinch. When he hears me talking like this, he'll come from... Open that door or I'll break it down! I'm a Russian and I'm advancing! Come on in, Gregory. Well, this is a surprise. How are you, Gregory? I haven't seen you since Hollywood. Fine, Jack. I sure like it down here in old Virginia. In old Virginia. That's what we all saw once called Kentucky. That's what you call Virginia. You say, Gregory, how's your picture coming along? It will be colossal, stupendous. It even might make some money. Hey, that sounds like it's gonna be an epic. If it's only an epic, I'll blow my brains up. Say, Jack, how can I miss? I've got the most beautiful leading lady. All we need now is a southern boy for the part of the hero. I see. Well, I think I can help you out. Listen to this. Your search has ended, sir. I'm at your service. How does that sound? It means it'll show, but maybe I like it. Good. Now look, Gregory, have you got the script with you? Right in my pocket. Well, now I'm going over in the corner and study this and right after Dennis' number... Wait a minute, I'll take it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Penny, there's Rochester. Rochester, where are you calling from? Washington, D.C. Oh, you're still in Washington. Now listen, Rochester, you were supposed to be on the bus with me at 10 o'clock this morning to go to Quantico. What happened? Well, I got some friends here. Yes? And at 10 o'clock this morning, I was at a party they gave for me last night. Why'd you have to stay till 10 this morning? We had a bottle of champagne and we couldn't get the cork out till 9.45. Well, that must have been some party. Who was there? Well, it was my brother and his second wife. Uh-huh. And my cousin and my brother's first wife, the professor who came in from Beverly Hills, California. I didn't know you had a knuckle in Beverly Hills. Where does he live? 360 North Camden Drive. Wait a minute. That's my address. That's my house. I've been meaning to tell you, boss, he lives in the garage. Oh, I thought I saw a light-stare at night. Now, Rochester, how long has your Uncle Sylvester been living in my garage? Well, $2 a week. I got $80. 40 weeks, boss. Well, that's my fault. I should have suspected something when I saw you carrying all those pork chops out to my horse. Well, I'll talk to you about this later. Goodbye. So long, Mr. Benny. Imagine his uncle living in my garage. Sing, Dennis. Now, don't run away, Virginia and Gregory. I'm going to study this part. Speed and new invention and things like third dimension. But we get a trifle weary with Mr. Einstein's theories. So we must get down to earth at times. Relax, relieve the tension. No matter what the progress. This time goes by from Casablanca, starring Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill. I mean Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. And sung by Dennis Day. Well, Gregory, I glanced over the script and I'm more convinced than ever that I'm just a guy for the part of a southern boy. Part? Nothing. I want a guy that can do the whole thing. I'll do the whole thing. And I'll be colossal. Colossal is a big word. Don't kick it around. You should talk. Well, Virginia, it looks like I'm going to be your leading man. But, Jack, you haven't even rehearsed the part. Ah, it's bound to work out. I can just see it in lights. Virginia Bruce and Jack Benny in a Gregory Rattoff production. Leave my name out of it. Now, wait a minute, Gregory. Don't run me down till you try me. Now, let's get started with the rehearsal. Okay, I'll get my technical advisor. Your technical advisor? Certainly. He's a real southern colonel and he knows all about Dixie. What my name, colonel? Is that the colonel? Hello, stranger. Well, Shlapperman, how long have you been a southern colonel? Since Tuesday. Rattoff put a net in the paper. Oh. But don't you all give me away all? I won't, but Shlapperman, I can't imagine you being a technical advisor. What do you know about the South? Hold that box. Lift that bail. Mammy's little baby loves softening. Softening. Mammy's little baby loves softening bread. I'll take some fire. Say that. Say that's pretty good. I tell you, Jack, he's terrific. So you like him, eh, Rattoff? His dialect kills me. Well, what do you say we get started? Let's try a scene from the picture, Gregory, so you can see what I do. A love scene, that's where I shine. All right, a love scene. Now, Ms. Bruce and Mr. Benny, take your places. Now, Jack, it is a hot summer night and you are waiting for your sweetheart and the veranda. I see. Then the butler comes in. The butler, eh? Yes. His name is Julip and you ask him for a piece of candy. The butler's name is Julip? Look, it says right here, bring me a mint, Julip. That's bring me a mint, Julip. It's a drink made with bourbon. Bourbon, schmarbon, all I know is vodka. Hmm. Oh, Mr. Rattoff, where am I in this scene? You are in the garden and you are heartbroken because your lover is going away. You are sniffling a rose. Sniffling a rose, what's that? That's the way he talks, Jack. Yesterday he went into a restaurant and ordered a porter-horse steak. Porter-horse, eh? He might have been right. Hey, that's a good one. Why, doctor? I am in charge here. All right, all right. How does this thing start? The butler has told you that your sweetheart is in the garden. Now you enter the garden. Music. Oh, Magnolia. Magnolia, honey. Where are you all? Over here by the bird bath, sugar. Oh, if you're taking a bath, I'll come back later. Goodbye. Now, wait a minute, Jack. It isn't home. It is night and the gales are bathing. You mean the nightingales are bathing. That's what I said. I see. Okay. Magnolia, honey. I'm leaving tonight. But before I go, there's something I got to ask you. Yes, pinch bottom? Hmm. Pinch bottom? Magnolia, honey. I want you to do me the honor of becoming my wife. Your wife? Oh, pinch bottom. Kiss me, Magnolia. Kiss me. Kiss me, Magnolia. Kiss me. Well, go ahead, Jack. How can I kiss her when she keeps ducking? Oh, still. Will you, Virginia? All right. Let's take that line again. Excuse me, Jack. What's the matter? May I speak to you a minute alone? Certainly. What's on your mind, Virginia? Well, uh, wait a minute. I better whisper it. What's the whispering for? Listen, Gregory. All right. So he drools the lead. Cut out the whispering. Now, come on over here, Virginia. Let's do this love scene. You better tell him, Gregory. Sorry, Jack. You cannot have the part. What do you mean I can't have the part? You stink. What? Colossally. Now, wait a minute, Gregory. Listen, Virginia. I can do this love scene if you'll just give me a chance. But, Jack, you're so violent, so passionate. Passionate? Look, there's steam all over your glasses. I'll wipe them off. Now, don't worry, Virginia. Let's try it again. And this time, I'll be as gentle as a lamb. Animal picture, I will not direct. That's not what I'm talking about. Come on, let's go. Magnolia, honey. I want you to do me the honor of becoming my wife. Your wife? Oh, Finch Bottom. Kiss me, Magnolia. Kiss me. All right, Virginia, do I get the part or not? Whoa, you certainly do as far as I'm concerned. Now, kiss Gregory and see what he says. Gregory, kiss me, Finch and Bottom. There's a bunch of many important foods, and these shortages will never be more acute in the future. However, there's one valuable food that is now and will continue to be plentiful. Whole grain cereals, one of the finest, most nourishing food you can serve, and one that our government nutrition program successfully recommends. There's only one hitch. The danger of a serious shortage in the paper used to pack these cereals. But you and I, all of us, can do something about that. Simply buy as many foods as possible in large packages instead of small ones. Or it takes less paper per pound to pack the larger sizes. So when you buy whole grain cereals, whether it's grape nuts flakes or any other of your favorite brands, be sure to ask your grocer for the largest package he has. You'll be saving paper, and so you'll help to make sure that there will be enough of these nourishing whole grain cereals to go around. Incidentally, you'll find that you save money too when you buy the larger package. So help your country, help your neighbor, help yourself buy whole grain cereals in large size packages. This number of the 18th program is a new grape nuts flakes series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. I want to thank Ms. Bruce and Mr. Raptor for appearing on our program tonight. Ms. Bruce will be with us tomorrow when we do a show for you army boys in Fort News, Virginia, and also Tuesday for your Navy boys at Norfolk. Good night, Dowl. Good night, everybody. This is the product of Virginia, and it's not necessarily constituted in accordance with the product by the Navy Department.