 CHAPTER IX Good evening, my dear Gaston, said Marguerite to my companion. I am very glad to see you. Why didn't you come to see me in my box at the varieties? I was afraid it would be indiscreet. Friends, and Marguerite lingered over the word, as if to intimate to those who were present, that, in spite of the familiar way in which she greeted him, Gaston was not, and never had been, anything more than a friend. Friends are always welcome. Then will you permit me to introduce Montseur Armand Duval? I have already authorised prudence to do so. As far as that goes, madame, I said, bowing and succeeding in getting more or less intelligible sounds out of my throat, I have already had the honour of being introduced to you. Marguerite's beautiful eyes seemed to be looking back in memory, but she could not, or seemed not to, remember. Madame, I continued, I am grateful to you for having forgotten the occasion of my first introduction, for I was very absurd and must have seemed to you very tiresome. It was at the opera two years ago, I was with Ernest de Blanc. Ah, I remember, said Marguerite, with a smile. It was not you who were absurd, it was I who was mischievous, as I still am, but somewhat less. You have forgiven me. And she held out her hand, which I kissed. It is true, she went on. You know I have the bad habit of trying to embarrass people the first time I meet them. It is very stupid. My doctor says it is because I am nervous, and always ill. Believe my doctor. But you seem quite well. Oh, I have been very ill. I know. Who told you? Everyone knew it. I often came to inquire after you, and I was happy to hear of your convalescence. They never gave me your card. I did not leave it. Was it you, then, who called every day while I was ill, and would never leave your name? Yes, it was I. Then you are more than indulgent, you are generous. You, Count, wouldn't have done that, said she, turning toward Montseor de Anne, after giving me one of those looks in which women sum up their opinion of a man. I have only known you for two months, replied the Count. And this gentleman only for five minutes. You always say something ridiculous. Women are pitiless toward those whom they do not care for. The Count reddened and bit his lips. I was sorry for him, for he seemed like myself to be in love, and the bitter frankness of Marguerite must have made him very unhappy, especially in the presence of two strangers. You were playing the piano when we came in, I said, in order to change the conversation. Won't you be so good as to treat me as an old acquaintance and go on? Oh! said she, flinging herself on the sofa and motioning to us to sit down. Gaston knows what my music is like. It is all very well when I am alone with the Count, but I won't inflict such a punishment on you. You show me that preference, said M.D. Anne, with a smile which he tried to render delicately ironical. Don't reproach me for it. It is the only one. It was fated that the poor man was not to say a single word. He cast a really supplicating glance at Marguerite. Well, Prudence, she went on. Have you done what I asked you to do? Yes. Alright, you will tell me about it later. You must talk over it. Don't go before I can speak with you. We are doubtless intruders, I said, and now that we, or rather I, have had a second introduction to blot out the first, it is time for Gaston and me to be going. Not in the least. I didn't mean that for you. I want you to stay. The Count took a very elegant watch out of his pocket and looked at the time. I must be going to my club, he said. Marguerite did not answer. The Count thereupon left his position by the fireplace, and going up to her, said, Adieu, madame. Marguerite rose. Adieu, my dear Count. Are you going already? Yes, I fear I am boring you. You are not boring me today more than any other day. When shall I be seeing you? When you permit me. Goodbye, then. It was cruel, you will admit. Fortunately, the Count had excellent manners, and was very good tempered. He merely kissed Marguerite's hand, which she held out to him carelessly enough, and, bowing to us, went out. As he crossed the threshold, he cast a glance at Prudence. She shrugged her shoulders, as much as to say, What do you expect? I have done all I could. Naniin, cried Marguerite. Light emdy comp to the door. We heard the door open and shut. At last, cried Marguerite, coming back, he is gone. That man gets frightfully on my nerves. My dear child, said Prudence, you really treat him too badly, and he is so good and kind to you. Look at this watch on the mantelpiece, that he gave you. It must have cost him at least three thousand francs, I am sure. And Madame de Verneuil began to turn it over, as it lay on the mantelpiece, looking at it with covetous eyes. My dear, said Marguerite, sitting down to the piano. When I put on one side what he gives me, and on the other what he says to me, it seems to me that he buys his visits very cheap. The poor fellow is in love with you. If I had to listen to everybody who is in love with me, I shouldn't have time for my dinner. And she began to run her fingers over the piano, and then, turning to us, she said, What will you take? I think I should like a little punch. And I could eat a little chicken, said Prudence. Suppose we have supper. That's it. Let's go and have supper, said Gaston. No, we will have supper here. She rang, and Nanine appeared. Send for some supper. What must I get? Whatever you like. But at once, at once, Nanine went out. That's it, said Marguerite, jumping like a child. We'll have supper. How tiresome that idiot of account is. The more I saw her, the more she enchanted me. She was exquisitely beautiful. Her slenderness was a charm. I was lost in contemplation. What was passing in my mind I should have some difficulty in explaining. I was full of indulgence for her life, full of admiration for her beauty. The proof of disinterestedness that she gave in not accepting a rich and fashionable young man, ready to waste all his money upon her, excused her in my eyes for all her faults in the past. There was a kind of candor in this woman. You could see she was still in the virginity of vice. Her firm walk, her supple figure, her rosy, open nostrils, her large eyes, slightly tinged with blue, indicated one of those ardent natures which shed around them a sort of voluptuous perfume, like eastern vials which, close them as tightly as you will, still let some of their perfume escape. Finally, whether it was simple nature or a breath of fever, they're passed from time to time in the eyes of this woman a glimmer of desire, giving promise of a very heaven for one whom she should love. But those who had loved marguerite were not to be counted. Nor those whom she had loved. In this girl there was at once the virgin whom a mere nothing had turned into a courtesan, and the courtesan whom a mere nothing would have turned into the most loving and the purest of virgins. Marguerite had still pride and independence, two sentiments which, if they're wounded, can be the equivalent of a sense of shame. I did not speak a word. My soul seemed to have passed into my heart, and my heart into my eyes. So, she said all at once, it was you who came to inquire after me when I was ill. Yes. Do you know it was quite splendid of you? How can I thank you for it? By allowing me to come and see you from time to time, as often as you like, from five to six, and from eleven to twelve. Now, Gaston, play the invitation a la vals. Why? To please me, first of all, and then because I can never manage to play it myself. What part do you find difficult? The third part, the part in sharps. Gaston rose and went to the piano, and began to play the wonderful melody of Weber, the music of which stood open before him. Marguerite, resting one hand on the piano, followed every note on the music, accompanying it in a low voice, and when Gaston had come to the passage which she had mentioned to him, she sang out, running her fingers along the top of the piano. Do re mi, do re fa mi re. That is what I cannot do. Over again. Gaston began over again, after which Marguerite said, Now, let me try. She took her place and began to play, but her rebellious fingers always came to grief over one of the notes. Isn't it incredible, she said, exactly like a child, that I cannot succeed in playing that passage? Would you believe that I sometimes spend two hours of the morning over it? And when I think that that idiot of account plays it without his music, and beautifully, I really believe it is that that makes me so furious with him. And she began again, always, with the same result. The devil take Weber music and pianos, she cried, throwing the music to the other end of the room. How can I play eight sharps one after another? She folded her arms and looked at us, stamping her foot. The blood flew to her cheeks, and her lips half opened in a slight cough. Come, come, said Prudence, who had taken off her hat and was smoothing her hair before the glass. You will work yourself into a rage, and do yourself harm. Better come and have supper. For my part, I am dying of hunger. Marguerite rang the bell, sat down to the piano again, and began to hum over a very risky song which she accompanied without difficulty. Gaston knew the song, and they gave a sort of duet. Don't sing those beastly things, I said to Marguerite imploringly. Oh, how proper you are, she said, smiling and giving me her hand. It is not for myself, but for you. Marguerite made a gesture as if to say, oh, it is long since that I have done with propriety. At that moment, Nanine appeared. Is supper ready? asked Marguerite. Yes, madame, in one moment. Apropos, said Prudence to me, you have not looked round. Come, and I will show you. As you know, the drawing-room was a marvel. Marguerite went with us for a moment. Then she called Gaston and went into the dining-room with him to see if supper was ready. Ah, said Prudence, catching sight of a little sacks-figure on a side-table. I never knew you had this little gentleman. Which? A little shepherd holding a bird-cage. Take it, if you like it. I won't deprive you of it. I was going to give it to my maid. I think it hideous, but if you like it, take it. Prudence only saw the present, not the way in which it was given. She put the little figure on one side, and took me into the dressing-room, where she showed me two miniatures hanging side by side, and said, That is the Comte de Gie, who was very much in love with Marguerite. It was he who brought her out. Do you know him? No. And this one, I inquired, pointing to the other miniature. That is the little Vycomte de El, who was obliged to disappear. Why? Because he was all but ruined. That's one, if you like, who loved Marguerite. And she loved him too, no doubt. She is such a queer girl, one never knows. The night he went away she went to the theatre as usual, and yet she cried when he said goodbye to her. Just then, Nanine appeared, to tell us that supper was served. When we entered the dining-room, Marguerite was leaning against the wall, and Gaston, holding her hands, was speaking to her in a low voice. You are mad, replied Marguerite. You know quite well that I don't want you. It is no good at the end of two years to make love to a woman like me. With us it is at once or never. Come, gentlemen, supper! And, slipping away from Gaston, Marguerite made him sit on her right at table, me on her left, then called to Nanine. Before you sit down, tell them in the kitchen not to open to anybody if there is a ring. This order was given at one o'clock in the morning. We laughed, drank, and ate freely at this supper. In a short while, Merth had reached its last limit, and the words that seemed funny to a certain class of people, words that degrade the mouth that utters them, were heard from time to time, amidst the applause of Nanine, of Prudence, and of Marguerite. Gaston was thoroughly amused. He was a very good sort of fellow, but somewhat spoiled by the habits of his youth. For a moment I tried to forget myself, to force my heart and my thoughts to become indifferent to the sight before me, and to take my share of the gaiety which seemed like one of the courses of the meal. But little by little, I withdrew from the noise. My glass remained full, and I felt almost sad as I saw this beautiful creature of twenty drinking, talking like a porter, and laughing the more loudly, the more scandalous was the joke. Nevertheless, this hilarity, this way of talking and drinking, which seemed to me and the others the mere results of bad company, or of bad habits, seemed in Marguerite a necessity of forgetting, a fever, a nervous irritability. At every glass of champagne, her cheeks would flush with a feverish color, and a cough, hardly perceptible at the beginning of supper, became at last so violent that she was obliged to lean her head on the back of her chair, and hold her chest in her hands every time that she coughed. I suffered at the thought of the injury to so frail a constitution, which must come from daily excesses like this. At length, something which I had feared and foreseen happened. Toward the end of supper, Marguerite was seized by a more violent fit of coughing than any she had had while I was there. It seemed as if her chest were being torn in two. The poor girl turned crimson, closed her eyes under the pain, and put her napkin to her lips. It was stained with a drop of blood. She rose and ran into her dressing room. What is the matter with Marguerite? asked Gaston. She has been laughing too much, and she is spitting blood. Oh, it is nothing. It happens to her every day. She will be back in a minute. Leave her alone. She prefers it. I could not stay still, and to the consternation of Prudence and Nanine, who called to me to come back, I followed Marguerite. End of Chapter 9 Chapter 10 of Camille This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Camille by Alexandre Dumas Feis Translated by Edmund Goss Chapter 10 The room to which she had fled was lit only by a single candle. She lay back on a great sofa, her dress undone, holding one hand on her heart, and letting the other hang by her side. On the table was a basin half full of water, and the water was stained with streaks of blood. Very pale, her mouth half open, Marguerite tried to recover breath. Now and again her bosom was raised by a long sigh, which seemed to relieve her a little. And for a few seconds she would seem to be quite comfortable. I went up to her, she made no movement. And I sat down and took the hand which was lying on the sofa. Ah, it is you, she said with a smile. I must have looked greatly agitated, for she added. Are you unwell too? No, but you. Do you still suffer? Very little, and she wiped off with her handkerchief the tears which the coughing had brought to her eyes. I am used to it now. You are killing yourself, madam, I said to her in a moved voice. I wish I were a friend, a relation of yours, that I might keep you from doing yourself harm like this. Ah, it is really not worth your while to alarm yourself, she replied in a somewhat bitter tone. See how much notice the others take of me. They know all too well that there is nothing to be done. Thereupon she got up, and taking the candle, put it on the mantelpiece, and looked at herself in the glass. How pale I am, she said as she fastened her dress and passed her fingers over her loosened hair. Come, let us go back to supper. Are you coming? I sat still and did not move. She saw how deeply I had been affected by the whole scene, and coming up to me held out her hand, saying, Come now, let us go. I took her hand, raised it to my lips, and in spite of myself, two tears fell upon it. Oh, I what a child you are, she said, sitting down by my side again. You are crying, what is the matter? I must seem very silly to you, but I am frightfully troubled by what I have just seen. You are very good. What would you have of me? I cannot sleep, I must amuse myself a little. And then, girls like me, what does it matter, one more or less? The doctors tell me that the blood I spit up comes from my throat. I pretend to believe them, it is all I can do for them. Listen, Marguerite, I said, unable to contain myself any longer. I do not know what influence you are going to have over my life, but at this present moment, there is no one, not even my sister, in whom I feel the interest which I feel in you. It has been just the same ever since I saw you. Well, for heaven's sake, take care of yourself, and do not live as you are living now. If I took care of myself, I should die. All that supports me is the feverish life I lead. Then, as for taking care of oneself, that is all very well for women with families and friends. As for us, from the moment we can no longer serve the vanity or the pleasure of our lovers, they leave us, and long nights follow long days. I know it. I know it. I was in bed for two months, and after three weeks, no one came to see me. It is true, I am nothing to you, I went on. But if you will let me, I will look after you like a brother. I will never leave your side, and I will cure you. Then, when you are strong again, you can go back to the life you are leading, if you choose. But I am sure you will come to prefer a quiet life, which will make you happier, and keep your beauty unspoiled. You think like that tonight because the wine has made you sad, but you would never have the patience that you pretend to. Permit me to say, Marguerite, that you were ill for two months, and that for two months I came to ask after you every day. It is true, but why did you not come up? Because I did not know you then. Need you have been so particular with a girl like me? One must always be particular with a woman. It is what I feel, at least. So you would look after me? Yes. You would stay by me all day? Yes. And even all night? As long as I did not weary you. And what do you call that? Devotion. And what does this devotion come from? The irresistible sympathy which I have for you. So you are in love with me? Say it straight out. It is much more simple. It is possible, but if I am to say it to you one day, it is not today. You will do better never to say it. Why? Because only one of two things can come of it. What? Either I shall not accept, then you will have a grudge against me, or I shall accept, then you will have a sorry mistress. A woman who is nervous, ill, sad, or gay with a gayity sadder than grief. A woman who spits blood and spends a hundred thousand francs a year. That is all very well for a rich old man like the Duke. But it is very bad for a young man like you. And the proof of it is that all the young lovers I have had have very soon left me. I did not answer. I listened, this frankness which was almost a kind of confession, the sad life, of which I caught some glimpse through the golden veil which covered it, and whose reality the poor girl sought to escape in dissipation, drink, and wakefulness, impressed me so deeply that I could not utter a single word. Come, continued Marguerite, we are talking your childishness. Give me your arm and let us go back to the dining room. They won't know what we mean by our absence. Go in if you like, but allow me to stay here. Why? Because your mirth hurts me. Well, I will be sad. Marguerite, let me say to you something which you have no doubt often heard, so often that the habit of hearing it has made you believe it no longer, but which is nonetheless real and which I will never repeat. And that is, she said with a smile of a young mother listening to some foolish notion of her child. It is this, that ever since I have seen you, I know not why, you have taken a place in my heart that if I drive the thought of you out of my mind, it always comes back. That when I met you today, after not having seen you for two years, you made a deeper impression on my heart and mind than ever. That now that you have let me come to see you, now that I know you, now that I know all that is strange in you, you have become a necessity of my life and you will drive me mad, not only if you will not love me, but if you will not let me love you. But foolish creature that you are, I shall say to you like Madam Dee, you must be very rich then. Why, you don't know that I spend six or seven thousand francs a month and that I could not live without it. You don't know, my poor friend, that I should ruin you in no time. And that your family would cast you off if you were to live with a woman like me. Let us be friends, good friends, but no more. Come and see me, we will laugh and talk, but don't exaggerate what I am worth, for I am worth very little. You have a good heart. You want someone to love you. You are too young and too sensitive to live in a world like mine. Take a married woman. You see, I speak to you frankly like a friend. But what the devil are you doing there? cried Prudence, who had come in without our hearing her and who now stood just inside the door with her hair half coming down and her dress undone. I recognize the hand of Gaston. We are talking since, said Marguerite, leave us alone. We will be back soon. Good, good, talk, my children, said Prudence, going out and closing the door behind her, as if to further emphasize the tone in which she had said these words. Well, it is agreed, continued Marguerite, when we were alone. You won't fall in love with me. I will go away. So much as that. So much as that. I had gone too far to draw back, and I was really carried away. This mingling of gaiety, sadness, candor, prostitution, her very malady, which no doubt developed in her a sensitiveness to impressions, as well as an irritability of nerves. All this made it clear to me that if from the very beginning I did not completely dominate her light and forgetful nature, she was lost to me. Come now. Do you seriously mean what you say, she said? Seriously. But why didn't you say it to me sooner? When could I have said it? The day after you had been introduced to me at the Opera Comique. I thought you would have received me very badly if I had come to see you. Why? Because I had behaved so stupidly. That's true. And yet you were already in love with me. Yes. And that didn't hinder you from going to bed and sleeping quite comfortably. One knows what that sort of love means. There you are mistaken. Do you know what I did that evening after the Opera Comique? No. I waited for you at the door of the Café Anglais. I followed the carriage in which you and your three friends were. And when I saw you were the only one to get down and that you went in alone, I was very happy. Marcuret began to laugh. What are you laughing at? Nothing. Tell me, I beg of you, or I shall think you are still laughing at me. You won't be cross? What right have I to be cross? Well, there was a sufficient reason why I went in alone. What? Someone was waiting for me here. If she had thrust a knife into me, she would not have hurt me more. I rose and holding out my hand. Goodbye, said I. I knew you would be cross, she said. Men are frantic to know what is certain to give them pain. But I assure you, I added codely, as if wishing to prove how completely I was cured of my passion. I assure you that I am not cross. It was quite natural that someone should be waiting for you. Just as it is quite natural that I should go from here at three in the morning. Have you, too, someone waiting for you? No, but I must go. Goodbye, then. You send me away? Not the least in the world. Why are you so unkind to me? How have I been unkind to you? In telling me that someone was waiting for you. I could not help laughing at the idea that you had been so happy to see me come in alone when there was such a good reason for it. One finds pleasure in childish enough things, and it is too bad to destroy such a pleasure when, by simply leaving it alone, one can make somebody so happy. But what do you think I am? I am neither maid nor duchess. I didn't know you till today, and I am not responsible to you for my actions. Supposing one day I should become your mistress. You are bound to know that I have had other lovers beside you. If you make scenes of jealousy like this before, what will it be after, if that after should ever exist? I never met anyone like you. That is because no one has ever loved you as I love you. Frankly, then, you really love me? As much as it is possible to love, I think. And that has lasted since the day I saw you go into Seusses three years ago. Do you know that is tremendously fine? Well, what am I to do in return? Love me a little, I said, my heart beating so that I could hardly speak, for in spite of the half-mocking smiles with which she had accompanied the whole conversation, it seemed to me that Marguerite began to share my agitation, and that the hour so long awaited was drawing near. Well, but the duke. What duke? My jealous old duke. He will know nothing, and if he should, he would forgive you. Ah, no, he would leave me. And what would become of me? You risk that for someone else. How do you know? By the order you gave not to admit anyone to-night. It is true, but that is a serious friend. For whom you care nothing, as you have shut your door against him at such an hour. It is not for you to reproach me, since it was in order to receive you, you and your friend. Little by little, I had drawn near to Marguerite. I had put my arms about her waist. And I felt her supple body weigh lightly on my clasped hands. If you knew how much I love you, I said in a low voice, really true, I swear it. Well, if you will promise to do everything I tell you, without a word, without an opinion, without a question, perhaps I will say yes. I will do everything that you wish. But I forewarn you I must be free to do as I please, without giving you the slightest details what I do. I have long wished for a young lover, who should be young and not self-willed, loving without distrust, loved without claiming the right to it. I have never found one. Men, instead of being satisfied and obtaining for a long time what they scarcely hope to obtain once, exact from their mistresses a full account of the present, the past, and even the future. As they get accustomed to her, they want to ruler, and the more one gives them the more exacting they become. If I decide now on taking a new lover, he must have three very rare qualities. He must be confiding, submissive, and discreet. Well, I will be all that you wish. We shall see. When shall we see? Later on. Why? Because, said Marguerite, releasing herself from my arms, and taking from a great bunch of red camellias, a single camellia, she placed it in my buttonhole. Because one cannot always carry out agreements the day they are signed. And when shall I see you again? I said, clasping her in my arms. When this camellia changes color. When will it change color? Tomorrow night, between 11 and 12, are you satisfied? Need you ask me? Not a word of this either to your friend or to prudence, or to anybody, whatever. I promise. Now kiss me, and we will go back to the dining room. She held up her lips to me. Smoothed her hair again, and we went out of the room. She singing. And I, almost beside myself. In the next room, she stopped for a moment and said to me in a low voice, It must seem strange to you that I am ready to take you at a moment's notice. Shall I tell you why? It is, she continued, taking my hand and placing it against her heart, so that I could feel how rapidly and violently it palpated. It is because I shall not live as long as others, and I have promised myself to live more quickly. Don't speak to me like that, I entreat you. Oh, make yourself easy. She continued, laughing. However short a time I have to live, I shall live longer than you will love me. And she went singing into the dining room. Where is Nanine? She said, seeing guest all in prudence alone. She is asleep in your room, waiting to you are ready to go to bed, replied prudence. Poor thing, I am killing her. And now gentlemen, it is time to go. Ten minutes after, Gaston and I left the house. Marguerite shook hands with me and said goodbye. Prudence remained behind. Well, said Gaston, when we were in the street. What do you think of Marguerite? She is an angel, and I am madly in love with her. So I guessed. Did you tell her so? Yes. And did she promise to believe you? No. She is not like prudence. Did she promise to? Better still, my dear fellow. You wouldn't think it, but she is still not half bad. Poor old Duvernoy. End of chapter 10. CHAPTER XI. At this point, Armand stopped. Would you close the window for me? He said. I am beginning to feel cold. Meanwhile, I will get into bed. I closed the window. Armand, who was still very weak, took off his dressing gown and lay down in bed, resting his head for a few moments on the pillow, like a man who is tired by much talking or disturbed by painful memories. Perhaps you have been talking too much, I said to him. Would you rather for me to go and leave you to sleep? You can tell me the rest of the story another day. Are you tired of listening to it? Quite the contrary. Then I will go on. If you left me alone, I should not sleep. When I returned home, he continued, without needing to pause and recollect himself, so fresh were all the details in his mind. I did not go to bed. But began to reflect over the day's adventure. The meeting, the introduction, the promise of Marguerite, had followed one another so rapidly and so unexpectedly that there were moments when it seemed to me I had been dreaming. Nevertheless, it was not the first time that a girl like Marguerite had promised herself to a man on the morrow of the day of which he had asked for the promise. Though indeed I made this reflection, the first impression produced on me by my future mistress was so strong that it still persisted. I refused obstinately to see in her a woman like other women, and with the vanity so common to all men, I was ready to believe that she could not but share the attraction which drew me to her. Yet I had before me plenty of instances to the contrary, and I had often heard that the affection of Marguerite was a thing to be had more or less dear, according to the season. But, on the other hand, how was I to reconcile this reputation with her constant refusal of the young Count whom we had found at her house? You may say that he was unattractive to her, and that as she was blendedly kept by the Duke she would be more likely to choose a man who was attractive to her if she were to take another lover. If so, why did she not choose Gaston who was rich, witty, and charming, and why did she care for me, whom she had thought so ridiculous the first time she had seen me? It is true that there are events of a moment which tell more than the courtship of a year. Of those who were at the supper I was the only one who had been concerned at her leaving the table. I had followed her. I had been so affected as to be unable to hide it from her. I had wept as I kissed her hand. This circumstance, added to my daily visits during the two months of her illness, might have shown her that I was somewhat different from the other men she knew, and perhaps she had said to herself that for a love which could thus manifest itself she might well do what she had done so often that it had no more consequence for her. All these suppositions, as you may see, were improbable enough, but whatever might have been the reason for her consent, one thing was certain she had consented. Now I was in love of Marguerite. I had nothing more to ask of her. Nevertheless, though she was only a kept woman, I had so anticipated for myself, perhaps to poeticize it a little, a hopeless love, that the nearer the moment approached, when I should have nothing more to hope, the more I doubted. I did not close my eyes all night. I scarcely knew myself. I was half demented. Now I seemed to myself not handsome or rich or elegant enough to possess such a woman. Now I was filled with vanity at the thought of it. Then I began to fear lest Marguerite had no more than a few days caprice for me. And I said to myself that since we should soon have to part, it would be better not to keep her appointment, but to write and tell her my fears and leave her. From that I went on to unlimited hope, unbounded confidence. I dreamed incredible dreams of the future. I said to myself that she should owe to me her moral and physical recovery, that I should spend my whole life with her, and that her love should make me happier than all the maidenly loves in the world. But I cannot repeat to you the thousand thoughts that rose from my heart to my head, and that only faded away with the sleep that came to me at daybreak. When I awoke, it was two o'clock, the weather was superb. I don't think life ever seemed to me so beautiful and so full of possibilities. The memories of the night before came to me without shadow or hindrance, escorted gaily by the hopes of the night to come. From time to time my heart leapt with love and joy in my breast. A sweet fever thrilled me. I thought no more of the reasons which had filmed my mind before I slept. I saw only the result. I thought only of the hour when I was to see Marguerite again. It was impossible to stay indoors. My room seemed too small to contain my happiness. I needed the whole of nature to unbuzzle myself. I went out. Passing by the Rue de Ante, I saw Marguerite's coop waiting for her at the door. I went toward the Champs Elysees. I loved all the people whom I met. Love gives one a kind of goodness. After I had been walking for an hour, from the Marley Horses to the Rhône Point, I saw Marguerite's carriage in the distance. I divined rather than recognized it. As it was turning the corner of the Champs Elysees, it stopped, and a tall young man left a group of people with whom he was talking and came up to her. They talked for a few moments. The young man returned to his friends. The horses set out again, and as I came near the group, I recognized the one who had spoken to Marguerite as the Comp des Digis, whose portrait I had seen and whom Prudence had indicated to me as the man to whom Marguerite owed her position. It was to him that she had closed her doors the night before. I imagined that she had stopped her carriage in order to explain to him why she had done so, and I hoped that at the same time she had found some new pretax for not receiving him on the following night. How I spent the rest of the day I do not know. I walked, smoked, talked, but what I said, whom I met, I had utterly forgotten by ten o'clock in the evening. All I remember is that when I returned home I spent three hours over my toilet, and I looked at my watch and my clock a hundred times, which unfortunately both pointed to the same hour. When it struck half past ten, I said to myself that it was time to go. I lived at that time in the Rue de Provence. I followed the Rue du Mont Blanc, cross the boulevard, went up to the Rue de la Grande, the Rue de Porte Mahon, and the Rue de Antoine. I looked up at Marguerite's windows. There was a light. I rang. I asked the porter if mademoiselle Gattier was at home. He replied that she never came in before eleven, or a quarter past eleven. I looked at my watch. I intended to come quite slowly, and I had come in five minutes from the Rue de Provence to the Rue de Antoine. I walked to and fro in the street. There are no shops, and at that hour it is quite deserted. In half an hour's time Marguerite arrived. She looked around her as she got down from her coupe, as if she were looking for someone. The carriage drove off. The stables were not at the house. Just as Marguerite was going to ring, I went up to her and said, Good evening. Ah, it is you, she said, in a tone that by no means reassured me as to her pleasure in seeing me. Did you not promise me that I might come and see you today? Quite right. I had forgotten. This word upset all the reflections I had had during the day. Nevertheless, I was beginning to get used to her ways, and I did not leave her, as I should certainly have done once. We entered. Nanane had already opened the door. Has Brudant come? said Marguerite. No, madame. Say that she is to be admitted as soon as she comes, but first put out the lamp in the drawing-room, and, if anyone comes, say that I have not come back, and shall not be coming back. She was like a woman who was preoccupied with something, and perhaps annoyed by an unwelcome guest. I did not know what to do or say. Marguerite went toward her bedroom. I remained where I was. Come, she said. She took off her hat and her velvet cloak and threw them on the bed, then let herself drop into a great armchair beside the fire, which she kept till the very beginning of summer, and said to me as she fingered her watch chain. Well, what news have you got for me? None, except that I ought not to have come to-night. Why? Because you seem vexed, and no doubt I am boring you. You are not boring me. Only I am not well. I have been suffering all day. I could not sleep, and I have a frightful headache. Shall I go away and let you go to bed? Oh, you can stay. If I want to go to bed, I don't mind your being here. At that moment there was a ring. Who is coming now? she said, with an impatient movement. A few minutes after, there was another ring. Isn't there anyone to go to the door? I shall have to go. She got up and said to me, wait here. She went through the rooms, and I heard her open the outer door. I listened. The person whom she had admitted did not come farther than the dining-room. At the first word, I recognized the voice of the young Comte de In. How are you this evening? he said. Not well, replied Marguerite, dryly. Am I disturbing you? Perhaps. How you receive me? What have I done, my dear Marguerite? My dear friend, you have done nothing. I am ill. I must go to bed, so you will be good enough to go. It is sickening not to be able to return at night, without your making your parents five minutes afterward. What is it you want, for me to be your mistress? Well, I have already told you a hundred times. No. You simply worry me, and you might as well go somewhere else. I repeat to you today, for the last time, I don't want to have anything to do with you. That's settled. Goodbye. Here's Nanane coming. She can light you to the door. Good night. Without adding another word, or listening to what the young man stammered out, Marguerite returned to the room and slammed the door. Nanane entered a moment after. Now, understand, said Marguerite, you are always to say to that idiot that I am not in, or that I will not see him. I am tired out with seeing people who always want the same thing, who pay me for it, and then think they are quit of me. If those who are going to go in for our hateful business only knew what it really was, they would sooner be chamber-maids. But no. Vanity, the desire of having dresses, and carriages, and diamonds, carries us away. One believes what one hears. For here, as elsewhere, there is such a thing as belief, and one uses up one's heart, one's body, one's beauty, little by little. One is feared like a beast of prey, scorned like a pariah, surrounded by people who always take more than they give. And one fine day, one dies like a dog in a ditch, after having ruined others and ruined oneself. Come, come, madame, be calm, said Nanane. Your nerves are a bit upset tonight. This dress worries me, continued Marguerite, unhooking her bodice. Give me a dressing gown. Well, and prudence, she has not come yet, but I will send her to you, madame, the moment she comes. There is one now, Marguerite went on, as she took off her dress and put on a white dressing gown. There is one who knows very well how to find me when she is in want of me, and yet she can't do me a service decently. She knows I am waiting for an answer. She knows how anxious I am, and I am sure she is going about on her own account without giving a thought to me. Perhaps she had to wait. Let us have some punch. It will do you no good, madame, said Nanane. So much the better. Bring some fruit, too, and a pate or a wing of chicken, something or other. At once, I am hungry. Need I tell you the impression, which this scene made upon me, or can you not imagine it? You are going to have supper with me, she said to me. Meanwhile, take a book. I am going into my dressing room for a moment. She lit the candles of a candelabra, opened a door at the foot of the bed, and disappeared. I began to think over this poor girl's life, and my love for her was mangled with great pity. I walked to and fro in the room, thinking over things, when prudence entered. Ah, you here, she said. Where is Madherit? In her dressing room. I will wait. By the way, do you know she thinks she is charming? No. She hasn't told you. Not at all. How about here? I have come to pay her a visit. At midnight? Why not? For sure. She has received me as a matter of fact, very badly. She will receive you better, by and by. Do you think so? I have some good news for her. No harm in that, so she has spoken to you about me. Last night, or rather tonight, when you and your friend went. By the way, what is your friend called? Gaston R? His name is, isn't it? Yes, said I, not without smiling, as I thought of what Gaston had confided to me, and saw that prudence scarcely even knew his name. He is quite nice, that fellow. What does he do? He has twenty-five thousand front a year. Ah, indeed! Well, to return to you, Madherit asked me all about you. Who you were, what you did, what mistresses you had had. In short, everything that one could ask about a man of your age. I told her all I knew, and added that you are a charming young man. That's all. Thanks. Now tell me what it was she wanted to say to you last night. Nothing at all. It was only to get rid of the count. But I have really something to see her about today, and I am bringing her an answer now. At this moment Marguerite reappeared from her dressing room, wearing a coquetish little nightcap with bunches of yellow ribbons, technically known as cabbages. She looked ravishing. She had sat in slippers on her bare feet, and was in the act of polishing her nails. Well, she said, seething prudence, have you seen the Duke? Yes, indeed. And what did he say to you? He gave me how much? Six thousand. Have you got it? Yes. Did he seem put out? No. Poor man. This poor man was said in a tone impossible to render. Marguerite took the six notes of a thousand fronds. It was quite time, she said. My dear prudence, are you in want of any money? You know, my child, it is the fifteenth and a couple of days, so if you could lend me three or four hundred francs, you would do me a real service. Send over to-morrow. It is too late to get changed now. Don't forget. No fear. Will you have supper with us? No, Charles is waiting for me. You are still devoted to him? Crazy, my dear, I will see you to-morrow. Goodbye, Armand. Madame Doulernoy went out. Marguerite opened the drawer of a side table and threw the bank notes into it. Will you permit me to get into bed? She said with a smile, as she moved toward the bed. Not only permit, but I beg of you. She turned back the covering and got into bed. Now, said she, come and sit down by me, and let's have a talk. Prudence was right. The answer that she had brought to Marguerite had put her into a good humor. Will you forgive me for my bad temper tonight? She said, taking my hand. I am ready to forgive you as often as you like. And you love me? Madly. In spite of my bad disposition, in spite of it all, you swear it. Yes, I said in a whisper. Nanine entered, carrying plates, a cold chicken, a bottle of claret, and some strawberries. I haven't had any punch made, said Nanine. Claret is better for you. Isn't it, sir? Certainly, I replied, still under the excitement of Marguerite's last words. My eyes fixed ardently upon her. Good, said she, put it all on the little table, and draw it up to the bed. We will help ourselves. This is the third night you have sat up, and you must be in want of sleep. Go to bed. I don't want anything more. Shall I lock the door? I should think so. And, above all, tell them not to admit anybody before midday. End of Chapter 11. Chapter 12 of Kamil. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ms. Topholis. Kamil by Alexander Juma Feis. Translated by Edmund Goss. Chapter 12. At five o'clock in the morning, as the light began to appear through the curtains, Marguerite said to me, Forgive me if I send you away, but I must. The duke comes every morning. They will tell him when he comes that I am asleep, and perhaps he will wait until I awake. I took Marguerite's head in my hands. Her loosened hair streamed about her. I gave her a last kiss, saying, When shall I see you again? Listen, she said. Take the little guilt key on the mental piece. Open that door. Bring me back the key and go. In the course of the day, you shall have a letter and my orders, for you know you are to be blindly. Yes, but if I should already ask for something? What? Let me have that key. What you ask is a thing I have never done for anyone. Well, do it for me, for I swear to you that I don't love you as the others have loved you. Well, keep it, but it only depends on me to make it useless to you after all. How? There are bolts on the door. Rich! I will have them taken off. You love them a little? I don't know how it is, but it seems to me as if I do, now go. I can't keep my eyes open. I held her in my arms for a few seconds and then went. The streets were empty. The great city was still asleep. A sweet freshness circulated in the streets that a few hours later would be filled with noise of men. It seemed to me as if this sleeping city belongs to me. I searched my memory for the names of those whose happiness I had once envied, and I could not recall one without finding myself the happier. To be loved by a pure young girl, to be the first to reveal to her the strange mystery of love is indeed a great happiness. But it is the simplest thing in the world to take captive a heart to which has had no experience of attack is to enter an unfortunate and unguerousened city. Education, family feeling, a sense of duty, the family are strong sentinels, but there are no sentinels so vigilant as not to be deceived by a girl of sixteen to whom nature, but the voice of the man she loves, gives the first castle of love all the more ardent because they seem so pure. The more a girl believes in goodness, the more easily will she give way, if not to her lover at least to love. For being without mistrust she is without force, and to win her love is a triumph that can be gained by any young man of five and twenty. See how young girls are watched and guarded. The walls of convents are not high enough, mothers have no locks strong enough, religion has no duties constant enough to shut these charming birds in their cages, cages not even strong with flowers. Then how surely must they desire the world which is hidden from them, how surely must they find it tempting, how surely must they listen to the first voice which comes to tell its secrets through their bars, and bless the hand which is the first to raise a corner of the mystery veil. But to be really loved by a courtesan, that is a victory of infinitely greater difficulty. With them, the body has worn out the soul, the senses have burned up the heart, dissipation has blunted the feelings. They have long known the words that they say to them, the means we use. They have sold the love that they inspire, they love by profession and not by instinct. They are guarded better by their calculations than a virgin by her mother and her convents. And they have invented the word caprice for that unbartered love which they allow themselves from time to time, for a rest, for an excuse, for a consolation like usurers who cheat a thousand and think they have bought their own redemption by once lending a sovereign to a poor devil who is dying of hunger without asking for interest or a receipt. Then when God allows love to a courtesan, that love which at first seems like a pardon becomes for her almost without penitence. When a creature who has all her past to reproach herself with is taken all at once by a profound sincere irresistible love of which she had never felt herself capable. When she has confessed her love, how absolutely the man whom she loves dominates her, how strong he feels with his cruel right to say, you do no more for love than you have done for money. They know not what proof to give. A child, says the fable, having often amused himself by crying, help, a wolf, in order to disturb the laborers in the field, was one day devoured by a wolf, because those whom he had so often deceived no longer believed in his cries for help. This is the same with these unhappy women when they love seriously. They have lied so often that no one will believe them, and in the midst of the remorse they are devoured by their love. Hence those great devotions, those austere retreats from the world of which some of them have given an example. But when the man who inspires this redeeming love is great enough in soul to receive it without remembering the past, when he gives himself up to it, when in short he loves as he is loved, this man drains at one drought all earthly emotions, and after such a love his heart will be closed to every other. I did not make these reflections in the morning when I returned home. They could but have been the presentiment of what was to happen to me, and despite my love for Margarit, I did not foresee such consequences. I make these reflections today, now that all is irrevocably ended, they arise naturally out of what has taken place. But to return to the first day of my liaison, when I reached home I was in a state of mad guillotine, as I thought of how the barriers which my imagination had placed between Margarit and myself had disappeared, of how she was now mine, of the place I now had in her thoughts, of the key to her room which I had in my pocket, and of my right to use this key, I was satisfied with life, proud of myself, and I loved God because he had let such things be. One day a young man is passing in the street, he brushes against the woman, looks at her, turns, goes on his way. He does not know the woman and she has pleasures, griefs, loves in which he has no part. He does not exist for her, and perhaps if he spoke to her, she would only laugh at him, as Margarit had only laughed at me. Weeks, months, years pass, and all at once, when they have each followed their fate along a different path, the logic of chance brings them face to face. The woman becomes the man's mistress and loves him. How? Why? Their two existences are henceforth one. They have scarcely begun to know one another when it seems as if they had known one another always, and all that had gone before is wiped out from the memory of the two lovers. It is curious one must admit. As for me, I no longer remember how I had lived before that night. My whole being was exalted into joy at the memory of the words we had exchanged during that first night. Either Margarit was very clever in deception, or she had conceived for me one of those sudden passions which are revealed in the first kiss, and which die often enough as suddenly as they were born. The more I reflected, the more I said to myself that Margarit had no reason for feigning on love which she did not feel, and I said to myself also that woman has two ways of loving, one of which may arise from the other. They love with the heart or with the senses. Often a woman takes lover and obedience to the mere will of the senses, and learns without expecting it the mystery of immaterial love, and lives henceforth only through her heart. Often a girl who has sought marriage, only a union of two pure affections perceives a sudden revelation of physical love, that energetic conclusion of the purest impressions of the soul. In the midst of these thoughts I fell asleep. I was awakened by a letter from Margarit containing these words. Here are my orders, tonight at the vaudeville. Come during the third entrant. I put the letter into her drawer, so that I might always have it at hand in case I doubted its reality as I did from time to time. She did not tell me to come to see her during the day, and I dared not go. But I had so great a desire to see her before the evening that I went to Champs Elysees where I again saw her pass and repass as I had on the previous day. At seven o'clock I was at the vaudeville. Never had I gone to a future so early. The boxes filled one after another. Only one remained empty, the stage box. At the beginning of the third act, I heard the door of the box on which my eyes had been almost constantly fixed, open, and Margarit appeared. She came to the front at once, looked around the stalls, saw me, and thanked me with a look. That night she was marvelously beautiful. Was I the cause of this croqueture? Did she love me enough to believe that the more beautiful she looked, the happier I should be? I did not know, but if that had been her intention, she certainly succeeded. For when she appeared all heads turned, and the actor who was then on stage looked to see who had produced such an effect on the audience by her mere presence there. And I had the key of this woman's room, and three or four hours she would again be mine. People blame those who let themselves be ruined by actresses and kept women. What astonishes me is that twenty times greater follies are not committed for them. One must have lived that life as I have, to know how much the little vanities which they afford their lovers every day help to fasten deeper into the heart, since we have no other words for it, the love which he has for them. Prudence next took her place in the box, and the man whom I recognized as a conch de gi seated himself at the back. As I saw him, a cold shiver went through my heart. Doubtless margarite perceived the impression made on me by the presence of this man, for she smiled to me again, and turning her back to the count appeared to be very attentive to the play. At the third intract she turned and said two words. The count left the box, and margarite beckoned me to come to her. Good evening, she said, as I entered, holding out her hand. Good evening, I replied to both margarite and prudence. Sit down. But I am taking someone's place. Isn't the count de gi coming back? Yes, I sent him to fetch some sweets, so that we could talk by ourselves for a moment. Madame Duvernoy is in the secret. Yes, my children, as she, have no fear, I shall say nothing. What is the matter with you tonight? said margarite, rising and coming to the back of the box and kissing me on the forehead. I am not well. You should go to bed, she replied, with that ironic air which went so well with her delicate and witty face. Where? At home? You know that I shouldn't be able to sleep there. Well then, it won't do for you to come and be petrified here because you have seen a man in my box. It is not for that reason. Yes, it is. I know and you are wrong, so let us say no more about it. You will go back with prudence after the future, and you will stay there till I call. Do you understand? Yes. How could I disobey? You still love me? Can you ask? You have thought of me all day long. Do you know that I am really afraid that I shall get very fond of you? Ask prudence. Ah, says she, it is amazing. Now you must go back to your seat. The count will be coming back, and there is nothing to be gained by his finding you here because you don't like seeing him. No. Only if you had told me that you wanted to come to the Butterville tonight, I would have got this box for you as well as he. Unfortunately, he got it for me without my asking him, and he asked me to go with him. You know well enough that I couldn't refuse. All that I could do was to write and tell you where I was going so that you could see me, and because I wanted to see you myself. But since this is the way you thank me, I shall profit by the lesson. I was wrong. Forgive me. Well and good, and I'll go back nicely to your place and, above all, no more jealousy. She kissed me again, and I left the box. In the passage I met the count coming back. I returned to my seat. After all, the presence of M. Dujie and Marguerite's box was the most natural thing in the world. He had been her lover. He sent her a box. He accompanied her to the theater. It was all quite natural, and if I was to have a mistress like Marguerite, I should have to get used to her ways. Nonetheless, I was very unhappy all the rest of the evening, and went away very sadly after having seen Prudence, the count, and Marguerite get into the carriage which was waiting for them at the door. However, a quarter of an hour later, I was at Prudence's. She had only just gotten in. End of Chapter 12, Recording by M. Dujie Chapter 13 of Camille This is a Libri-Foxy recording, or Libri-Foxy recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libri-Fox.org Recording by Julie from Oleg M. Camille By Alexandre Dumas-Fies Translated by Edmund Goss Chapter 13 You have come almost as quickly as we, said Prudence. Yes, I answered mechanically. Where's Marguerite? At home. Alone? It's M. Dujie. I walked to and through in the room. Well, what is the matter? Do you think it amuses me to wait here till M. Dujie leaves Marguerite's? How unreasonable you are! Don't you see that Marguerite can't turn the count out of doors? M. Dujie has been with her for a long time. He has always given her a lot of money. He still does. Marguerite spends more than a hundred thousand francs a year. She has heaps of debts. The Duke gives her all that she asks for, but she does not always venture to ask him for all that she is in want of. It would never do for her to quarrel with a count who is worse to her at least ten thousand francs a year. Marguerite is a very fond of you, my dear fellow, but your liaison with her, in her interests, as in yours, ought not to be serious. You, with your seven or eight thousand francs a year, what could you do toward supplying all the luxuries which a girl like that is in need of? It would not be enough to keep a carriage. Take Marguerite for what she is, for a good, bright, pretty girl. Be her lover for a month, two months. Give her flowers, sweets, boxed at a theatre. But don't get any other ideas into your head, and don't make absurd scenes of jealousy. You know whom you have to deal with. Marguerite isn't a saint. She likes you. You are very fond of her. Let the rest alone. You amaze me when I see you so touchy. You have the most charming mistress in Paris. She receives you in the greatest style. She's covered with diamonds. She needn't cost you a penny unless you like. And you are not satisfied, my dear fellow, you ask too much. You're right, but I can't help it. The idea that that man is a lover hurts me horribly. In the first place, replied Prudence, is he still her lover? He is a man who is useful to her, nothing more. She has closed her doors to him for two days. He came this morning. She could not but accept the box and let him accompany her. He saw her home. He has gone in for a moment. He is not staying, because you are waiting here. All that, it seems to me, is quite natural. Besides, you don't mind the duke. Yes, but he is an old man, and I am sure that Mangerie does not his mistress. Then it is all very well to accept one the Asian, but not too. Such easiness in the matter is very low in calculation, and puts the man who consents to it even out of love, very much in the category of those who, in a lower stage of society, make a trade of their connivance, and a profit of their trade. Ah, my dear fellow, how old-fashioned you are! How many of the richest and most fashionable men of the best families I have seen quite ready to do, what I advise you to do, and without an effort, without shame, without remorse! Why, one sees it every day! How do you suppose it kept women in Paris could live in the style they do, they had not three or four lovers at once? No single fortune, however large, could suffice for the expenses of a woman like Magritte. A fortune of 500,000 francs a year is, in France, an enormous fortune. Well, my dear, 500,000 francs a year would still be too little, and for this reason, a man with such an income has a large house, horses, servants, carriages, he shoots, has friends, often he is married, he has children, he races, gambles, travels, and what not. All these habits are so much a part of his position, that he cannot forgive them without appearing to have lost all his money, and without causing scandal. Taking it all round, with 500,000 francs a year, he cannot give a woman more than 40 or 50,000 francs a year, and that is already a good deal. Well, are the lovers' makeup for the rest of her expenses? Miss Magritte, it is still more convenient. She has chance by a miracle and an old man worth ten millions, whose wife and daughter are dead, who has only some nephews, themselves rich, and who gives her all she wants without asking anything in return. But she cannot ask him for more than 70,000 francs a year, and I am sure that if she did ask for more, despite his health and the affection he has for her, he would not give it to her. All the young men of 20 or 30,000 francs a year, at Paris, that is to say, men who have only just enough to live on in the society in which they mix, know perfectly well, when they are the lovers of a woman like Magritte, that she could not so much as pay for the room she lives in, and the servants who wait upon her with what they give her. They do not say to her that they know it, they pretend not to see anything, and when they have had enough of it, they go their way. If they have the vanity to wish to pay for everything, they get ruined, like the fools they are, and go and get killed in Africa, after leaving a hundred thousand francs of debt in Paris. Do you think a woman is grateful to them for it? Far from it. She declares that she has sacrificed a position for them, and that while she was with them, she was losing money. These details seem to you shocking? Well, they are true. You are a very nice fellow, I like you very much. I have lived with these women for twenty years, I know what they are worse, and I don't want to see you take the caprice that a pretty girl has for you too seriously. Then, besides that, continued prudence, admit that Marguerite loves you enough to give up the count of the duke, in case one of them were to discover your liaison, and to tell her to choose between him and you. The sacrifice that she would make for you would be enormous, you cannot deny it. What equal sacrifice could you make for her on your part? And when you had got tired of her, what could you do to make up for what you had taken from her? Nothing. You would have cut her off from the world in which her fortune and her future were to be found. She would have given you her best years, and she would be forgotten. Either you would be an ordinary man, and casting her past in her teeth. You would leave her, telling her that you were only doing, like her other lovers, and you would abandon her to certain misery. Or you would be an honest man, and feeling bound to keep her by you. You would bring inevitable trouble upon yourself. For a liaison which is excusable in a young man is no longer excusable in a man of middle age. It becomes an obstacle to everything. It allows nigh's of family nor ambition, man's second and last loves. Believe me, then, my friend, take things for what they are worth, and do not give a kept woman the right to call herself your creditor, no matter in what. It was well argued, with the logic of which I should have thought prudence incapable. I had nothing to reply, except that she was right. I took her hand, and thanked her for her counsels. Come, come, said she. Put these foolish theories to flight and laugh over them. Life is pleasant, my dear fellow. It all depends on the colour of the glass, through which one sees it. Ask your friend Gaston. There's a man who seems to me to understand love as I understand it. All that you need sink off, unless you are quite a fool, is at close by. There is a beautiful girl who is waiting impatiently for the man who is with her to go, thinking of you. Keeping the whole night for you, and who loves you, I'm certain. Now, come to the window with me, and let us watch for the count to go. You won't be long in leaving the coast clear. Prudence opened the window, and reeling side by side over the balcony. She watched the few passes. I reflected. All that she had said buzzed in my head, and I could not help feeling that she was right. There's a genuine laugh which I had for my greed. Had some difficulty in accommodating itself to such a belief. I sighed from time to time, at which prudence turned, and shrugged her shoulders like a physician who has given up his patient. How one realises the shortness of life, I said to myself, by the rapidity of sensations. I have only known Marguerite for two days. She has only been my mistress since yesterday, and she has already so completely absorbed my thoughts, my heart, and my life. That a visit of the Comte de Gilles is a misfortune for me. At last the count came out, got into his carriage, and disappeared. Prudence closed the window. At the same instant, Marguerite called to us. Come at once, she said. They are laying the table, and will have supper. When I entered, Marguerite ran to me through her arms around my neck, and kissed me with all her might. Are we still soul-key? she said to me. No, it's all over, replied Prudence. I have given him a talking-to, and he has promised to be reasonable. Well and good. In spite of myself, I glanced at the bed. It was not unmade. As for Marguerite, she was already in a white dressing-gown. We sat down to table. Charme, sweetness, spontaneity, Marguerite had them all, and I was forced from time to time to admit that I had no right to ask of her anything else, that many people would be very happy to be in my place, and that, like Virgil's shepherd, I had only to enjoy the pleasures that a god, or rather a goddess, said before me. I tried to put in practice the theories of Prudence, and to be as gay as my two companions, but what was natural in them was on my part an effort. I'm the nervous laughter, whose source they did not detect, was nearer to tears than to mirth. At last the supper was over, and I was alone with Marguerite. She sat down as usual on the hearth-rock, before the fire, and gazed sadly into the flames. What was she thinking of? I know not. As for me, I looked at her with a mingling of love and terror, as I thought of all that I was ready to suffer for her sake. Do you know what I am thinking of? No. Of a plan that has come into my head. And what is this plan? I can't tell you yet, but I can tell you what the result would be. The result would be that in a month I should be free. I should have no more debts, and we could go and spend the summer in the country. And you can't tell me by what means. No. Only love me, as I love you, and all will succeed. And have you made this plan all by yourself? Yes. And you will carry it out all by yourself. I alone shall have the trouble of it, said Marguerite, with a smile which I shall never forget. But we shall both partake its benefits. I could not help flushing at the word benefits. I sought of Manon's gauze, quandering with Desjureux, the money of Monsieur-de-Bis. I replied in a hard voice, writing from my seat. You must permit me, my dear Marguerite, to share only the benefits of those enterprises, which I have conceived and carried out myself. What does that mean? It means that I have a strong suspicion that Monsieur-de-Gis to be your associate in this British plan, of which I can accept neither the cost nor the benefits. What a child you are! I thought you loved me. I was mistaken, all right? She rose, opened the piano, and began to play the invitation à la vols, as far as the famous passage and the major, which always stopped her. Was it through force of habit, or was it to remind me of the day when we first met? All I know is that the melody brought back that recollection, and coming up to her, I took her head between my hands and kissed her. You forgive me, I said. You see I do, she answered, but observed that we are only at our second day, and already I have had to forgive you something. Is it how you keep your promise of blind obedience? What can I do, Marguerite? I love you too much, and I am jealous of the least of your thoughts. What you proposed to me just now made me frantic with delight, but a mystery in its carrying end out. I heard to be dreadfully. Come, let us reason it out, she said, taking both my hands, and looking at me with a charming smile, which it was impossible to resist. You love me, do you not? And you would gladly spend two or three months alone with me in the country? I too should be glad of this solitude, I do, I'm not only glad of it, but my house requires it. I cannot leave Paris for such a length of time, without putting my affairs in order, and the affairs of a woman like me are always in great confusion. Well, I have found a way to reconcile everything, my money affairs, and my love for you. Yes, for you, don't laugh. I am silly enough to love you, and here you are, taking lordly airs and talking big words. Child, thrice child! Only remember that I love you, and don't let anything disturb you. Now, is it agreed? I agreed all you wish, as you know. Then, in less than a month's time, we shall be in some village, walking by the river side and drinking milk. Does it seem strange that Marguerite Gautier should speak to you like that? The fact is, my friend, that when this Paris life, which it seems to make me so happy, doesn't burn me, it varies me, and then I have sudden aspirations toward a calmer existence, which might recall my childhood. One has always had a childhood, whatever one becomes. Don't be alarmed. I am not going to tell you that I am the daughter of Colonel on half pay, and that I was brought up at Saint-Denis. I am a poor country girl, and six years ago I could not write my own name. You're relieved, aren't you? Why is it you are the first who may have ever asked to share the joy of this desire of mine? I suppose, because I feel that you love me for myself, and not for yourself, while all the others have only loved me for themselves. I have often been in the country, but never as I should like to go there. I can't on you for this easy happiness. Do not be in kind. Let me have it. Say this to yourself. She will never live to be old, and I should someday be sorry for not having done for her the first thing she asked of me such an easy thing to do. What could I reply to such words, especially with the memory of a first night of love, and in the expectation of a second? An hour later I held my greater my arms, and if she had asked me to commit a crime, I would have obeyed her. At six in the morning I left her, and before leaving her, I said, till to-night. She kissed me more warmly than ever, but said nothing. During the day I received a note containing these words. Dear child, I am not very well, and the doctor has ordered quiet. I shall go to bed early to-night, and shall not see you. But to make up, I shall expect you to-morrow at twelve. I love you. My first thought was, she is deceiving me. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead, for I already loved this woman too much not to be overwhelmed by the suspicion. And yet I was bound to expect such a thing almost any day with my creed, and it had happened to me often enough with my Arthur mistresses, without my taking much notice of it. What was the meaning of the halt which this woman had taken upon my life? Then it occurred to me, since I had the key, to go and see her as usual. In this way I should soon know the truth, and if I found a man there, I would strike him in the face. Meanwhile I went to the Champs-Élysées. I waited there four hours. She did not appear. At night I went into all the theatres where she was accustomed to go. She was an unathem. At eleven o'clock I went to the Rue d'Antin. There was no light in my grits windows, all the same I rang. The porter asked me where I was going. To mademoiselle Gautiers, I said. She has not come in. I will go up and wait for her. There is no one there. Evidently I could get in, since I had the key. But fearing foolish scandal, I went away. Early I did not return home. I could not leave the street, and I never took my eyes of my grits house. It seemed to me that there was still something to be found out, or at least that my suspicions were about to be confirmed. About midnight, a carriage that I knew well stopped before number nine. The gomme du Gé got down and entered the house after sending away the carriage. For a moment I hoped that the same answer would be given to him as to me, that I should see him come out. But at four o'clock in the morning, I was still awaiting him. I have suffered deeply during these last three weeks. But that is nothing, I think, in comparison with what I suffered that night. When I reached home, I began to cry like a child. There is no man to whom a woman has not been unfaithful, once at least, and who will not know what I suffered. I said to myself, under the weight of these feverish resolutions, which one always feels as if one had the force to carry out, that I must break with my amour at once, and I waited impatiently for daylight in order to set out for Swiss to rejoin my father and my sister, of whose love at least I was certain, and certain that that love would never be betrayed. However, I did not wish to go away without letting Marguerite know why I went. Only a man who really cares no more for his mistress leaves her without writing to her. I made and remade twenty letters in my head. I had had to do with a woman like all other women of the kind. I had been poeticising too much. She had treated me like a schoolboy. She had used in deceiving me a trick which was insultingly simple. My self-esteem got the upper hand. I must leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she had made me suffer. And this is what I wrote to her in my most elegant handwriting, and with tears of rage and sorrow in my eyes. My dear Marguerite, I hope that your indisposition yesterday was not serious. I came at eleven at night to ask after you, and was told that you had not come in. Monsieur Dujit was more fortunate, for he presented himself shortly after it, and at four in the morning he had not left. Forgive me for the few tedious hours that I have given you, and be assured that I shall never forget the happy moments which I owe to you. I should have called to-day to ask after you, but I intend going back to my fathers. Goodbye, my dear Marguerite. I am not rich enough to love you as I would, nor poor enough to love you as you would. Let us then forget. You a name which must be indifferent enough to you, I, a happiness which has become impossible. I send back your key which I have never used, and which might be useful to you, if you are often ill as you were yesterday. As you will see, I was unable to enter my letter without a touch of impertinent irony, which proved how much in love I still was. I read and reread this letter ten times over, then the thought of the pain it would give Marguerite calm to me little. I tried to persuade myself of the feelings which it professed, and when my servant came to my room at eight o'clock, I gave it to him and told him to take it at once. Shall I wait for an answer? asked Joseph. My servant, like all servants, was called Joseph. If they asked whether there is a reply, you will say that you don't know and wait. I buoyed myself up with the hope that you would reply. Poor feeble Caritas, that we are. All the time that my servant was away, I was in a state of extreme agitation. At one moment I would recall how Marguerite had given herself to me and asked myself by what right I wrote her an impertinent letter when she could reply that it was not Monsieur Degis who supplanted me, but I who had supplanted Monsieur Degis, a mode of reasoning which permits many women to have many lovers. At another moment I would recall her promises and endeavor to convince myself that my letter was only too gentle and that there was not expressions forcible enough to punish a woman who loved at a love like mine. Then I said to myself that I should have done better not to have written to her, but to have gone to see her, and that then I should have had the pleasure of seeing the tears that she would shed. Finally I asked myself what she would reply to me. Already prepared to believe whatever excuse she made. Joseph returned. Well, I said to him. Sir, said she, madame was not up and still asleep, but as soon as she rings, the letter will be taken to her, and if there is any reply it will be sent. She was asleep. Twenty times I was on the point of sending to get the letter back, but every time I said to myself, perhaps you will have got it already, and it would look as if I repented of sending it. As the hour at which it seemed likely that he would reply came nearer, I regretted more and more that I had written. The clock struck ten, eleven, twelve. At twelve I was on the point of keeping the appointment as if nothing had happened. In the end I could see no way out of the circle of fire which closed upon me. Then I began to believe, and the superstition which people have when they are waiting, that if I went out for a little while, I should find an answer when I got back. I went out and did a pretext of going to lunch. Instead of lunching at the Café Foy, at the corner of the Boulevard, as I usually did, I prefer to go to the Palais Royale and so part through the Rue d'Antin. Every time that I saw a woman at the distance, I fancied it was an anine bringing me an answer. I passed through the Rue d'Antin without even coming across a commissionnaire. I went to Véris in the Palais Royale. The waiter gave me something to eat, or rather served up to me whatever he liked, for I ate nothing. In spite of myself, my eyes were constantly fixed on the clock. I returned home, certain that I should find a letter from Margrethe. The porter had received nothing, but I still hoped that my servant. He had seen no answer since I went out. If Margrethe had been going to answer me, she would have answered long before. Then I began to regret the terms of my letter. I should have said absolutely nothing, and that would undoubtedly have aroused her suspicions, for finding that I did not keep my appointment, she would have inquired the reason of my absence, and only then I should have given it to her. Thus she would have had to exculpate herself, and what I wanted was for her to exculpate herself. I already realized that I should have believed whatever reason she had given me, and anything was better than not to see her again. At last I began to believe that she would come to see me herself, but hour followed hour, and she did not come. Decidedly Margrethe was not like other women, for there are few who would have received such a letter that I had just written without answering it at all. At five I hastened to Duchamp's illusie. If I meet her, I thought, I will put on an indifferent air, and she will be convinced that I no longer think about her. As I turned the corner of the Rue Royale, I saw her part as in a carriage. The meeting was so sudden that I turned pale. I do not know if she saw my emotion, as for me I was so agitated that I saw nothing but a carriage. I did not go any farther in the direction of Duchamp's illusie. I looked at the advertisement of the theatres, for I had still a chance of seeing her. There was a first night at the Palais Royale. Margrethe was sure to be there. I was at the theatre by seven. The boxes filled one after another, that Margrethe was not there. I left the Palais Royale, and went to all the theatres where she was most often to be seen, to the Vaudville, the Variété, the Au Péracomique. She was nowhere. Either my letter had troubled her too much for her to care to go to the theatre, or she feared to come across me and so wished to avoid an explanation. So my vanity was whispering to me on the boulevard, when I met Gaston, who asked me where I had been. At the Palais Royale, and I at Au Pérac, said he, I expected to see you there. Why? Because Margrethe was there. Ah, she was there. Yes. Alone? No, with another woman. That's all. The Comte du Gé came to her box for an instant, but she went off with a duke. I expected to see you every moment, for there was a stall at my side which remained empty the whole evening, and I was sure you had taken it. But why should I go where Margrethe goes? Because you are her lover surely. Who told you that? Prudence, whom I met yesterday. I give you my congratulations, my dear fellow. She is a charming mistress, and it isn't everybody who has the chance. Stick to her. She will do you a credit. These simple reflections of Gaston showed me how absurd I had been my susceptibilities. If I had only met him the night before, and he had spoken to me like sad, I should certainly not have written the foolish letter which I had written. I was on the point of calling on Prudence, and of sending her to tell Margrethe, that I wanted to speak to her. But I feared that she would revenge herself on me by saying that she could not see me, and I returned home, after passing through the rue d'Antin. Again I asked my porter if there was letter for me. Nothing. She is waiting to see if I shall take some fresh step, and if I reject my letter of to-day, I set to myself as I went to bed. But seeing that I do not write, she will write to me to-morrow. That night, more than ever, I reproached myself for what I had done. I was alone, unable to sleep, devoured by restlessness and jealousy. When my simply letting things take the natural cause, I should have been with Margrethe, hearing the delicious words which I had heard only twice, and which made my ears burn in my solitude. The most frightful part of the situation was that my judgment was against me. As a matter of fact, everything rent approved that Margrethe loved me. First, proposal to spend the summer with me into country. Then, the certainty that there was no reason why she should be my mistress, since my income was insufficient for her need, and even for her caprices. They could not, then, have been on her part, anything but a hope of finding in me a sincere affection able to give her rest from the mercenary loves in whose midst she lived. And on the very second day I had destroyed this hope, and paid by impertinent irony for the love which I had accepted during two nights. But I had done must, therefore, not merely ridiculous. It was indelicate. I had not even paid the woman that I might have some right to find forward with her. Withdrawing after two days, was I not like a parasite of love, afraid of having to pay the bill of the banquet. What! I had only known Margrethe for thirty-six hours. I had been her lover for only twenty-four. And instead of being too happy that she should grant me all that she did, I wanted to have her all to myself, and to make her sever at one stroke all her past relations, which were the revenue of her future. What had I to approach in her? Nothing. She had written to say she wasn't well, when she might have said to me, quite crudely, with the hideous frankness of certain women, that she had to see a lover. And instead of believing her letter, instead of going to any street in Paris except the rue d'Antin, instead of spending the evening with my friends and presenting myself next day at the appointed hour, I was acting theosello, spying upon her, and sinking to punish her by seeing her no more. But on the contrary, she ought to be enchanted at this separation. She ought to find me supremely foolish, and her silence was not even that of rancour. It was contempt. I might have made Margrethe present, which would leave no doubt as to my generosity, and permit me to feel properly quits of her, as of a kept woman. But I should have felt that I was offending by his least appearance of trafficking, if not the love which he had for me, at all events, the love which I had for her. And since this love was so pure, that it could have made no division, it could not pay by a present, however generous, the happiness that it had received, however short that happiness had been. That is what I said to myself all night long, and what I was every moment prepared to go and say to Margrethe. When the day dawned, I was still sleepless. I was in a fever. I could think of nothing but Margrethe. As you can imagine, it was time to take a decided step, and finish either with a woman, or with one scruples, if that is, she would still be willing to see me. But you know well, one is always slow in taking a decided step, so unable to remain within doors and not daring to call on Margrethe. I made one attempt in her direction. An attempt I could always look upon as a mere chance if it succeeded. It was nine o'clock, and I went at once to call upon Prudence, who asked to what she owed this early visit. I dared not tell her frankly what brought me. I replied that I had gone out early in order to reserve her place in the diligence for sea, where my father lived. You are fortunate, she said, and being able to get away from Paris and this fine mother. I looked at Prudence, asking myself whether she was laughing at me, but her face was quite serious. Shall you go and say goodbye to Margrethe? She continued as seriously as before. No, you are quite right, you think so? Naturally, since you have broken with her, why should you see her again? You know it is broken off. She showed me your letter. What did you say about it? She said, my dear Prudence, your protégé is not polite, one thinks such letters one does not write them. In what tone did she say that? Laughingly, and she added, he has had supper with me twice and hasn't even called. That, then, was the effect produced by my letter and my jealousy. I was cruelly humiliated in the vanity of my affection. What did she do last night? She went to the au bureau. I know. And after it? She had supper at home. Alone? It's a comp-de-gé, I believe. So my breaking with her had not changed one of her habits. It is for such a reason as this that certain people say to you, don't have anything more to do with the woman, she cares nothing about you. Well, I am very glad to find that Margrethe does not put herself out for me. I said with a forced smile. She has very good reason not to. You have done what you were bound to do. You have been more reasonable than she. For she was really in love with you. She did nothing but talk of you. I don't know what she would not have been capable of doing. Why hasn't she answered me if she was in love with me? Because she realises she was mistaken in letting herself love you. Women sometimes allow you to be unfaithful to their love. They never allow you to wound their self-esteem. And one always wounds the self-esteem of a woman when two days after one has become her lover. One leaves her, no matter for what reason. I know, Margrethe. She will die sooner than reply. What can I do then? Nothing. She will forget you. You will forget her. And neither will have any reproach to make against the other. But if I ride and ask her forgiveness, don't do that, for she would forgive you. I could have flung my arms round Prudence, Nick. A quarter of an hour later, I was once more in my own quarters, and I wrote to Margrethe. Someone who repents of a letter that you wrote yesterday, and who will leave Paris tomorrow if you do not forgive him, which is to know at what hour he might lay his repentance at your feet. When can you find you alone, for you know confessors must be made without witnesses. I folded this kind of madrigal and prose and sent it by Joseph, who handed it to Margrethe herself. She replied that she would send the answer later. I only went out to have a hasty dinner, and at eleven in the evening no reply had come. I made of my mind to endure it no longer, and to set out next day. In consequence of this resolution, and convinced, that I should not sleep if I went to bed, I began to pick up my things.