 Turn back the clock to yesterday. Jack Benny asked his cast to drop in for an early rehearsal. And at the moment, we find Rochester in the library preparing for their arrival. Oh, man Benny, oh, man Benny, he won't waste nothing. And don't stand nothing. He just keeps rolling. He keeps on rolling along. Right, sir. Can it be the trees or fields? Rochester, Rochester, I've been calling you. Sorry, boss, I was scared away with my boys. Oh, fine. Well, I'm becoming quite a popular singer. You know, they called me, called me the Brunner. And they called Andy Russell the Spooner. I know, I know. What do they call you? The Razor Ledge. Sound more like the yearling. Rochester, sir, my cast should be here soon for rehearsal. My cast comes later, by the way. Have you got everything ready? Yes, sir. I've got the chairs, the scripts, and the pencils. Good. And I filled the Coca-Cola machine and turned off the water. The last rehearsal, Miss Livingston fainted. Nobody had a nickel. We had an awful time bringing her a tool. Anyway, this is the holiday season and I'd like to serve them the egg nog I told you to make this morning. You did make it, didn't you? Yes, sir. Is it good? Want to smell my breath? No. No, no, I'm on the wagon. But you know, Rochester, that's a strange drink. I wonder why anyone would ever think of mixing eggs and bourbon. Really psychological, boss. Psychological? Yeah, you'll see the age make you think you're getting something very helpful. And the bourbon makes that fact unimportant. Well, that's logical. By the way, Rochester, how much egg nog did you make? About 250 gallons. For goodness sake, I don't want to drink it. I mean, I don't want to bathe in it. I defy your next line to get a ride. We're just two. Yes, sir. Come away. I'll get it, Rochester. You can go as far as you like with me and my merry love, mobile. I think I'll get a green one. It blends into the sagebrush on Mulholland Drive. Hello, Jack. Oh, Mary, come on in. You're the first one here. Jack, how come you called rehearsal so early? Well, Mary, I will tell you the truth. I have a date tonight with Gladys Abisco. Gladys Abisco? Oh, Jack, surely you can do better than that. Look, Mary, Gladys is very nice. She may not be the most beautiful girl in the world, but she got a nice figure. I know, but does she have to walk that way? Mary, that's not her fault. She's nearsighted, and she anticipates the curb in the middle of the block. Anyway, we're going to have a nice time. I'm taking her to a night club. Slappy Maxie? Slappy Maxie's with Gladys, not after what happened last time. Well, Jack, it wasn't the manager's fault that people came up here and said, may I have your autograph, Maxie? Imagine mistaking Gladys for Slappy Maxie. She's only got one cauliflower here. Now, the way, Mary, would you like a glass of eggnog? Oh, sure, Jack. I'd love to have a. Wait a minute. Who made the eggnog? Rochester. Uh-uh. Why, what's the matter? Well, last Christmas, I tasted some of Rochester's eggnog. And the next thing I knew, I was at the Rose Bowl game. Oh, you saw the game? Saw it. Nothing. I was playing less cattle for Alabama. Stop kidding. Now, come on, have one. I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Dennis. What time is rehearsal? At 1 o'clock. Well, what time is it now? A quarter to 1. Oh, then I guess I won't have enough time to shave. Dennis, why should it take you 15 minutes to shave? I haven't got the fuzz yet. Three months to get a five o'clock shadow. Hurry over here. Good-bye. All that fuzz over, little fuzz. Is that Dennis on the telephone? Yeah, it was me. Yeah, he's a. Dennis. Now, how'd you get here so quickly? I was on the extension in the kitchen. Oh. I would have been here sooner, but I couldn't get a cab. Stop that. Now, Dennis, will you stop being so silly and have a glass of eggnog? Oh, boy, eggnog, that's for me. Wait a minute. Who made that eggnog? Rochester. Uh-uh. Why not? Last Christmas, I tasted some of Rochester's eggnog, and the next thing I knew, Mary was playing in the Rose Bowl. Yeah, I know, I know. Say, Dennis, I meant to ask you, how do you like your broadcast on a new time? Oh, swell. We did our first one last Wednesday, and we have a new slogan for the program. Slogan? Yeah. Listen to Dennis Day on Wednesday. Say, that's cute. Listen to Dennis Day on Wednesday. Wouldn't it be awful if my name was Hawson Pfeffer? Listen to Hawson Pfeffer on Walking Pfeffer Day. Sooner next week at the same Hawson Pfeffer, I know. I forgot to tell you, I got a note for Mama yesterday. Mama, you did? Well, what did the Judy Canova of Plainfield have to say? She was very excited about my sister, Babe, taking my place in the program. Really? But you know, Jack, you made a mistake when you announced it was Babe's first appearance. Mary, you mean your sister's been on the radio before? Uh-huh. Mama said Babe's been on the bride and groom program four times. Four times? And she wants to go on again, but they won't let her. Why? Because every time they pause 10 seconds for station identification, the groom gets away. Holy smoke, what does Babe do? What can she do? She leans into the microphone, calls Dr. IQ, and says, I'll take that gentleman you have in the balcony. Mary, if I didn't know your sister, Babe, I think you were making the whole thing up, too. Come in. Mary, Dennis. Hi, again. Come on in, darling. We're about ready to rehearse. Jack, before we do anything, I want to show you something. What? Look. You're wearing the shoelaces I gave you for Christmas. Don, you can take the card off. Everybody knows who gave them to you. Well, I'm not taking it off. I want to make sure people know what a cheap gift Jack gave me. What? 13 years I've been with you, Jack, 13 years. And you show your appreciation with a lousy pair of shoelaces. Well, it's certainly gratitude, boy. What are you complaining about, Don? That certainly wasn't such a hot gift you sent me. What did he send you, Jack? A gold watch. A wrist watch, yes. Well, what's wrong with a gold watch? What's wrong with it? You walk down the street wearing an expensive thing like that. Somebody hits you over the head, takes it away from you. And you're money, too. Anyway, Don, let's shake hands and forget the whole thing. OK, Jack, I'm sorry. I lost my temper. Oh, that's all right, Don. By the way, would you like a glass of eggnog? Eggnog? Say, that's one of my favorite. Wait a minute, who made it? Rochester. Uh-uh. What's the matter with Rochester's eggnog? Last Christmas, I tasted some, and the next thing I knew, Dennis was playing Mary in the Rose Bowl. He comes in with the same thing. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, everybody. Happy New Year. Hey, what's the idea of calling the rehearsal so early? Well, I'm going to a nightclub, Phil. I got a date. With a girl? What do you think, a horse? Well, it could be. Could be. They're running at San Anita again, and oats are cheaper than orchids. You ought to be with Joan Crawford and John Garfield. You're so humorous. Phil, why don't you jump in the lake and see if that point on your head will right under a wall? Let's get on with the rehearsal. OK. Oh, by the way, Phil, would you like a glass of eggnog? Eggnog? Now you're talking, brother. Eggnog, where's the? Hey, wait a minute. Who made that eggnog? Rochester. Oh, lead me to her. Oh, Rochester, will you pour a glass of eggnog for Mr. Harris? Yes, sir. Thank you, Rochester. This looks wonderful. Shangri-La with a head on it. How'd you make this eggnog? I used one egg to five quarts of bourbon. Are you sure that egg was fresh? Take it. Jackson, what are you doing here at the Rose Bowl? Rochester, pour me a ticket. Well, buddy young, what are you doing? You're joking. Now let's get on with the rehearsal. Dennis will have your song first. OK. Let's rehearse the script and make it quick so I can leave early. Say, would any of you kids like to join us? I'm taking Gladys to a nightclub. Well, thanks, Jack, but I can't make it. Me either. I'd like to go, Jack. OK. How about you, Dennis? Sure, fine. I'll take Mary. Well, that'll be swell. Hey, Mary, will you give me a kiss when I take you home? Well, I don't know, Dennis. I'll think about it. Well, think fast, Mr. Ray. I'm pulling my dough from nothing. I heard that line in the movies, but I never had a chance to use it before. I'm glad you got off your chest. Now, kids. Hey, Jackson, what are you going out tonight for? Why don't you wait until New Year's Eve? No, Rochester and I always celebrate New Year's Eve at home. At home? Yeah, 5 minutes to 12. He blows a horn for me. What do you laugh at, Mary? You just can't get away from it, can you, Jack? Away from what? The horn blows at midnight. Now, will you, kids? We've got to. Oh, my goodness, look what time it is. I'll tell you what. We can go over the script tomorrow morning. I've got to leave now and pick up Gladys. Come on, Mary. Come on, Dennis, let's go. Never get a table, Miss Knight. Why, that's too crowded. Yeah, look at all those people in that little room. Boy, are they jammed together. That's the coat room. Those are coats. Oh, I wondered why they didn't have their pants on. Well, I'll get a table. Come on, Gladys. Right behind you, Sadie. Good. Now, let's see. Where's the head waiter? Oh, mister. Mister, yeah. Are you the head waiter? Well, what do you think I am in this tuxedo? A shield for porous lawn? I'd like to get a table for four. Well, thank heavens you didn't ask for five. Why? I wouldn't sit with you for a million dollars. Stop and get us a table. All right. Walk this way. It's an old gag, but I'll try. Hey, this is a pretty good table at that, isn't it, Gladys? The chair is Sadie. Boy, what a crowd. Mary, where are you, Sadie? Right behind you, Sadie. Oh, well, pull your chair over. Walk it. Come on, let's order. Pardon me, folks. Pardon me, but have you seen my wife? No. No, we haven't seen her. Oh, well, thank you, and a happy day. Now, let's see. What do I do? I don't know what I want to do. Dear ladies and gentlemen, this is Herbie Bygren. Your master is going to have some dancing. But while the orchestra is setting up, I've got a little joke for you. Hey, this guy looks pretty sharp, doesn't he, Gladys? I've only got a nice to you, Sadie. I know. Oh, brother. What may happen on the way to the club tonight? The pan-hammer stopped me on the street and said, hey, mister, would you give me $50 for a cup of coffee? So I said to him, $50 for a cup of coffee. And he said, yeah, I want to drink it at the Rose Bowl game. What a lousy joke, man. I wonder if Fred Allen knows this guy is stealing his stuff. That was awful, wasn't it, Gladys? Ain't it the truth? Yeah. And now, ladies and gentlemen, everybody. What do you say we dance, kid? Come on, Dennis, get out. Gee, I'd love to do that with the girls, too. I mean, you dance with Mary. Gladys and I'll sit this one out. Come on, Dennis. You're a swell dancer, Mary. Well, thanks, Dennis, but don't hold me so tight. OK. Hey, Libby, have you ever thought about getting married? What? I've got my own show now, you know. Oh, Dennis, stop being silly. If you turn me down, I'll kill myself. You're crazy, but you're kind of cute. Gladys, should we get up on the floor and show him something? A little later, Seedy. Let's sit here, just the two of us. OK. Thanks, Seedy. Do you mind if I hold your hand? No. I'd love you to, Gladys. Thanks. Seedy, your hand is as smooth as silk. You've got my tie. You know, Gladys, when you're holding your hand, I feel like a heel. Oh, sugar boy, don't talk like that. I can't help it. I never should have let you take that job. The pipe wrench has skinned your neck, old man. I know, but thanks to me, West Los Angeles has sue us now. I'm thankful of you to send me the pipe room for Christmas. That's all right. Anyway, we won't be long now. Three more miles, the pipe will be out of the beach, and you can quit. Pardon me, folks, pardon me, but have you seen my wife? No, no, we haven't. Oh, well, thank you, and a happy dinner. Come on, Gladys. Let's dance. Right behind you, Seedy. Hey, this is swell music, isn't it, Gladys? You said it. Yeah. I love dancing with you. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Ouch, my foot. Oh, I'm sorry, tootsie roll. I hope I didn't dirty your shoes. Now I left them under the table. I thought you looked shorter. Night is young, the skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, be rich, delightful, let the rain just let you fly. Corn tet, oh, it's like, it's like, it's like for me. It's the line! That's my quartet, the sportsman. So this is where they're working. Well, folks, are you ready to order your dinner? Yeah, I'm hungry. What do you have, Gladys? Wreck-a-peer on a wrap save the grease. Gladys, this isn't to drive in. Waiters. She wants scrambled eggs on toast. What do you have, Mary? I don't think they've got them here, It's like a chisweed sandwich. Hey, yes, ma'am. Shall I fill the holes with mustard, or do you like to play peek-a-boo? Bring the mustard on the side. We'll add lip. Now, let's see. I think I'll have crab meat, Louie. You ordered, Dennis. Ah, it's spaghetti, Louie. Spaghetti, Louie? I thought that was the waiter's name. Of course not. It is true. Louie? Spaghetti. Hurry up, food waiter. Pardon me, Charles, pardon me, but I haven't seen my wife. No, no, we haven't seen your wife. Well, if you ever do, you'll know why I started drinking. What? I didn't think he was going to come down that time. What a guy. I'd like to say that we're honored tonight by having with us a very famous celebrity. Oh, I wish they'd leave me alone. This gentleman whom you all love is a very popular star of stage screen and radio. Gladys, let me have your call. Here you are. Oh, I take great pleasure in presenting to you that top-tier idol of millions, Rodney Dangerfield. What? He has to be sitting at the next table. You've all seen Mr. Dangerfield in those outstanding Western pictures, and with a little encouragement, maybe we can get him to say a few words. Thank you, folks. Thank you kindly. It sure is a thrill and a pleasure to meet so many of my fans. What a hand. And I'd like to say to my next picture, hop along Shapiro, just blooms at midnight. So that's for me. And now, friend, I'd like to introduce my co-star who's right here at the table with me. Take a bow, there's a pain. How do you like that? He even brought his horse. Gladys, give me your handkerchief. Anyway, you folks didn't come to hear me talk all night. So I just wanted to... Pardon me, Mr. Dangerfield. Pardon me, Mr. Dangerfield. Would you please put your autograph on this menu? Well, I certainly miss. Thank you. Those folks, I just want to wish you a very happy and prosperous New Year. Imagine introducing a ham like Rodney Dangerfield. Come on, kids, let's get out of here. But, Jack, we ordered food. I don't care what we ordered. Let him give it to the horse. I'm going home. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another celebrity with us tonight. None other than Jack Benny. Where? Are you going to say now, Jack? Certainly. What are you mad about? Sit down, Gladys. Ladies and gentlemen, master of ceremonies, my worthy colleague, Mr. Dangerfield, and don't you turn your head. Ladies and gentlemen, for a moment I want you to forget that I'm Jack Benny, that scintillating star of stage, screen and radio. I want to talk to you as one of your friends. I want to take this opportunity to wish all of you and yours and everybody all over the world good health and happiness throughout the year. And now I'd like to tell you just a few things about my next picture. My next guest next week will be Miss Lauren Bacall. Happy New Year, everybody.