 It's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and Maddie Malek's Arkansas So hold on to your chairs folks for here. They are After the movies to see our latest picture. Yes, the news hangs high Yeah, and I try to make a guy give me a seat and he called usher. What happened? Well, I told you I said no look at I owned the theater and he took me out of the seat punch me in the nose He took me out in the alley boy was our lucky lucky. Yeah, if he did that to the owner of the theater What would he have done to me? Why don't why don't you settle down and get yourself a job Lou? Huh? Why'd you settle down and get a job? You know some of the stuff was on the stuff I threw away Yeah, but I got fired I installed an electric dishwasher in a garbage disposal in ladies house But something must have got mixed up why it's disposed of all her dishes and she's got the cleanest garbage in town You know speaking of garbage Lou you told me you had a date tonight. Oh, yes Speaking of garbage Reminds you that I had a day that's no not exactly that but speaking of garbage. No, no, no, no I didn't mean that way. This was a swill date. Yeah, all right. All right Yes, I did have it I had a very nice day I had a you had a date with my new girl and she works in the library and she told me to meet her right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica Why do you find the encyclopedia Britannica? Well, gee, do you think I want to learn something? What were you doing in the library in the first place like encyclopedias? Yes. Yes. Yes Well, I was a lot better boy. My mama bought me encyclopedia. He did well, I just won I used to ride the school on my cyclopedia. Oh That's fellow will you stop that walking up and down? What's the matter with you? What are you worried about Saturday Saturday night? They arrested my uncle Jim Kelly He broke into a grocery store and he stole three hundred and ninety dollars. Why did he do it? The poor guy was hungry. Well, if he was hungry, why didn't he steal all why do you steal a lot of money Lou? Why didn't he steal some groceries or something? He's a proud man at it. He likes to pay for everything he gets Besides he needs the money to buy a new car. Oh, wait a minute. He'd be better off without a car Castella, it's very dangerous driving in California. You're telling me in Los Angeles You have to drive for five people the one in front of you the one in back here and the ones on each side of you Wait a minute, that's only four cars. Where's the fifth? She'll pull out in front of you any minute Well, I gotta leave now. I got a new job with my brother Pat in the trucking business Has he got his own truck? Yeah, you can see it Abbott. It's one inch wide in the block long a truck an inch wide in the block long Mm-hmm. What does he deliver in it? Forget it? In your brother Pat making any money in the trucking business Lou. Oh, yeah He did so good last week that he bought his wife one of those new electric blanket Taves her a lot of time on the house. I'll wait him an often an electric blanket help her with the work around the house Well, she takes the eggs and the bacon to bed with it and when she gets up in the morning breakfast is ready That electric blanket is making a very popular tool. What do you mean last night? She turned it on too high and now yes, she's the coast of the town Oh Mr. Costello, Mr. Costello, I gotta talk to you. I've got a great idea. Wait a minute, mister What's the idea of breaking in here like this? Oh, I've got an idea that will make you to the most popular comedy team in radio What is it? I'll stamp your name underneath the bridge how in the country wait a minute wait a minute How will that make us popular? Well, at least you'll have all the farmers pulling for you Well, look Costello, it's our singing star Susan Miller I'm certainly glad you showed up tonight because I'm gonna sing a duel with you Hello, you mean a duet a duel is where somebody gets hurt You never sang with me. Did you? You become a singer costello Well, I don't like a bag, but would you believe that I thought being cross you how to sing no, I wouldn't you're right But once in a while I'd catch a sucker That's telling you don't know the first thing about music. Well, I'll have you know what I studied music Nah, I would go sing a school I used to study until I was blue in the face and then the teacher presented me with a medal for being the best singer in the class No, we're having the blue space You know there goes a nice kid Abbott the only thing is she's money mad money mad. Yeah, she's mad because I ain't got no money So what remember Costello money isn't everything you know you can't take it with you. It's nice to have it here So you can say goodbye to it? You know my family's always had money in fact my uncle Rudolph was one of the first gold miners in California One day when he was in mind digging for gold He was killed by a falling spade a falling spade killed my uncle Tom Was he a gold miner? No, he was killed by the Asia spades that fell out of his sleeve in a poker game Costello you'll never have to worry about money as long as I got it. We're pals share and share alike Well, I feel the same way about you ever that swell you mean you'd share everything you have with me If you had two cars you'd give me one sure if you had two houses you'd give one of them to me I certainly would and if you had two department stores, you'd give me one. Yes, sir. We're pals Share and share alike swell if you had two dollars, would you give me one? No, why because I've got two dollars Well, that's the way you feel a I thought I was your pal. Are you trying to tell me that money means more to you than I do? I didn't say that at it. Well, does it? Yes That settles it Castell. I'm going on my vacation to New Jersey and I'm not taking you with me Who wants to go to New Jersey now? When we were there last summer the mosquitoes were so big they were carrying baseball bats. I Woke up in the middle of the night and two of them were sitting on my stomach holding a conversation The mosquitoes can't talk don't tell me these two were certainly two in the fact I Well Castell on second thought I don't think I'll go to New Jersey either I need a complete rest where nobody would bother me where the name but Abbot means nothing. Oh, you're staying in town, eh? Never mind that where are you going? Well, I think I go to Honolulu last time I was there I met a beautiful made-up girl She was gorgeous and what a figure all day She'd walk around carrying a big basket on her head then at night. She'd sneak off and she'd meet me Brother she taught me plenty. She did yes You should see me carry a basket on my head You idiot girls are making a nervous wreck out of you You've got something there. I know it. I know it though I've been buttoning my suspenders to my socks and it saves me a lot of money Oh pose my socks up so far. I don't have to wear pants Never mind that have you been getting plenty of rest No, and I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep last night I didn't fall asleep for eleven o'clock. What time did you go to bed? Five minutes to eleven That's all you need a vacation you've got to stop running around girls. It's affecting your brain I think you're right. I know it last night. I had a date to pick up a girl at Hollywood and Vine I drove down to Hollywood and Vine then I went to dinner and all during dinner I felt as if I forgot something then to a movie and all through the movie I felt as though I'd forgotten something then I go up to Griffith Park And I started to neck and I still felt as if I forgot something then I went home and I remembered what I forgot What was it? I forgot to pick up the girl Here's the singing star of the Abbott and Costello show Susan Miller with Maddie Malmick's orchestra singing on the semi-size of the street Get your doorstep just direct your life in the soul Mr. Massman, no hey Maddie, will you want to get me to run the door so I'll get me some aspirin? Well anybody here run for some aspirin? No, thanks kid No, no body will go after the aspirin now Okay, hand me the phone I'll get that aspirin I'll put in a long distance call to Washington Who are you calling in Washington? Henry Wallace that guy will run for anything What gave you the headache? Well, I put my uncle Mike on his job and it's hard steady work What is it? What does he do? Well, he fills cracks in the walls of veterans houses Well, I thought your uncle Mike was a dairy farmer He was but his cow got hit on the head and lost her memory the cow lost her memory Yes, and now she gives milk of amnesia Your uncle Mike must feel pretty bad about it. Yes. He gave me nervous breakdown. Is he very nervous? Well, he's not so nervous, but he's slightly nuts. He thinks it He thinks he's a Maraschino cherry and it's very expensive. Why the only place you can sleep is in the bathtub full of whipped cream That's telling your whole family is always getting into trouble. I guess you're right. I know it That's not my brother Pat one to a burlars show and got a handful of popcorn in his eye Oh, wait a minute. How could he get a handful of popcorn as I had a burlars theater? His eye was open so wide He thought it was his mouth Never mind about your brother I'm worried about you tonight when you go home make a make a lot of hot tea with lemon Then soak your feet in the tub. I did it last night. I didn't like it. Why the lemon kept tickling my feet They're going to take a vacation you've got to get away from girls. Come on. We'll go to the travel bureau There it is stones travel bureau, let's go in Come right in gentlemen. I'll be with you just as soon as I finish this phone call. Yeah, oh Your wife don't like the trip you were ranged. Well, call me again when she makes up her mind. Goodbye Who was that? Mr. Mrs. Stern they're going on their honeymoon and they can't make up their mind He wants to take a trip around the world and she wants to go someplace else All right, what can I do for you gentlemen? We're evident so we're thinking of leaving the country Mm-hmm. Well, I saw your last picture the news hangs high and if I were you I wouldn't even stop to think Pretty fresh guy, aren't you just who are you? I own this travel bureau. My name is stone. The first name is Roland Rollin stone, that's right rolling stone from the looks of your head. You haven't gathered any more They know attention to a mr. Stone That's it has been very nervous lately and he wants to go on a vacation Well, how about our island tour that takes you to Panama after that comes Cuba after that comes Bermuda after that comes Haiti What comes after Haiti Haiti one Haiti two Haiti three? You like that tour it'll cost you $700 I know but wait a minute Castello hasn't got $700. Oh then Castello Maybe you'd be interested in this tour Of course, you'd have to take along a bag of onions a box of salt a frying pan a mix master and a double boiler What kind of tour is that a cook's tour? That's a lot. Why don't you go to Yellowstone Park and see old faithful, huh? Yes. I used to go out on dates with old faithful She was quite a girl Castello Old faithful is a big jagged mess of old fossil. It's foul steam every hour. That's her Yes Never mind your girl Castello if you don't mind traveling with a group Here's a trip that takes in most of Europe. It takes in Bulgaria takes in Czechoslovakia. It takes in Yugoslavia What group do I have to travel with the Russian army? I have an idea why don't you take a trip to Italy? Ah Italy, of course in Italy You know they have a town where the streets are filled with water nothing but water They call it Venice when it rains. There's a town like that right here in California. We call it verbank Mr. Stone, I think Castello should go to some helpful climate. How about Sweden? Ah, yes, of course Sweden Sweden the match country, you know something Sweden makes more matches than anyone else in the world more than Lana Turner Oh Castello, maybe you'd like to see one of the seven wonders of the world How'd you like that the leaning tower of pizza, you know, it leans way over to one side There's nothing like it in the world Have you seen some of the houses that building for the veterans here? Mr. Stone, what are the prices of these two or all the different prices now, for instance a tour to England Costs $500 tour to France cost $700 and a trip to Russia a trip to Russia Castello will cost exactly 75 cents. Oh wait a minute only 75 cents to go to Russia. How can you afford to make such an offer? Who's gonna go? All right now, how much money have you got to spend on your vacation? I got between 98 and 100 dollars Well, which is it 98 or 100? It's between 98 and 100. I got two bucks Well, Mr. Stone do you have any kind of a tour for $2? Oh, yes We have a wonderful $2 vacation for sports like Castello Right now, okay, where is this $2 for taking for a brisk walk through the La Brea tar pit? Mr. Stone haven't you some place where we could go where it's nice and quiet yes Why don't we just stay here? It's been mighty quiet since the beginning of the program Hey by George, I've got it just a place for peace and quiet. It's a desert island 2,000 miles off shore Well, what will it cost us to get there to get there nothing? I'll take you there myself in my own boat I can't go on a boat. I get seasick. Hmm the seasickness affect you very much. Mr. Stone the last time I was on a ship I look so green that when I walked into a billiard room this steward racked up my eyeballs and shut them into the side pocket Come on Castello. We're going on that boat Well gentlemen, there's the island. What do you think of it? What a horrible looking place. I don't like it What are you complaining about Castello? It didn't cost us anything to get here I want to go back to go back. It'll cost you three hundred dollars Hey, you got no three hundred dollars all the shore that's going to shore That means you fact. Oh, get off the boat. Goodbye Well, I'll get you done Castello. We're all alone on this deserted island. We may die here. I don't want to die I'm too young. I'm only 25 Abbott you're only 25 years old. Yes, and I got nothing to worry about why you're only 25 you're here alone I haven't been born yet How can you joke about this? Here we are 2,000 miles from shore no food no water We're in more trouble than anybody else in the world. Have you read the Kinsey report on Maddie Malnick? Castello this heat is killing me. Oh pal. I think I'm going to die on this island Castello my buddy Yes, sir When you get back Find the woman I love Go to her and tell her I love her dearly take that message to the woman I love Okay, Abbott To the woman you love yes to the woman I love, but what shall I tell your wife? We've got to find a way to get off this island One of them is coming to us Welcome to oil and that's for you. Hey Abbott get me out of here. Well, yes Quiet castella cannibals are headhunters. They shrink people's heads. This guy is the biggest shrinker. I ever saw Don't be afraid we peaceful cannibals don't don't you even fight with the other tribes? We never fight. We haven't had a war 200 years. Well, how do you explain that? We're not civilized Where you boys from? California never heard of it, you know California oranges never heard of it California, California, you know Lana Turner. Oh, yeah Bob popping Chief maybe you know my uncle Tom He was shipwrecked on one of these islands with a beautiful redhead for three whole years He was on the island along with this gorgeous redhead and then a terrible thing happened. What he was rescued That fellow I'm afraid will never be rescued. Oh pal. This is it. This is the end. Don't say that Abbott I don't want to die. Mm-hmm. Don't worry cut off We'll soon be in heaven at the pearly gates and when Gabriel sees you he'll blow his horn When he sees you will blow his top They love love love castella a plane quick Sneak signal quick signal hurry up take off your shirt waving hurry up. Okay, hurry up. Take it off I'm waving my shirt. Okay, look the plane is coming over. They saw my shirt They dropped a package of supplies and there's a note tied to it. Oh, they saw my shirt. They saw my shirt quick read the note Okay, what does it say? Okay? Okay? It is Watch that dirty shirt We'll have a curtain call by Abbott and Costello after a final reminder on this subject That's Stella. Why don't you try to take off a little weight this summer? Oh, I'm doing that now Susan little and I are taking we do some treatments. I've lost a hundred pounds up to now. What about Susan? She's disappeared all together