 Luckily for humanity, only 3% of narcissists are malignant narcissists. Malignant narcissism is a combination of narcissism, which is unpleasant in itself, psychopathy, and to top it off, sadism. In short, these are delightful people. Don't make families with them. Stay away. Steer the course. No contact. Anyhow, if you are unfortunate enough to be captured in their gravitational field, hurling helplessly towards the black hole at the center, you should know the following. Sadistic narcissists, also known as malignant narcissists, use hate bombing, not love bombing, but hate bombing. I refer you to my video about hate bombing that I've released recently. So they use hate bombing, scorn, contempt, humiliation, shaming, put-downs, criticism, destructive criticism, and so on. This is hate bombing at the very initial stage of their relationship. And they use abuse, classical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sometimes rarely, extremely rarely, physical abuse within the relationship itself. Put together, this is narcissistic abuse. So sadistic narcissists use hate bombing and abuse to test the loyalty, the allegiance of the partner, the intimate partner or the friend, whoever happens to venture into their remit and ambit, including their own children. They test people. They test people all the time by pushing the envelope, by egregiously mistreating and maltreating people. Okay, this is well known, and I've mentioned it quite a few times in my videos, but today we're going to discuss the malignant narcissists' sexuality. The sadistic narcissist is exhibitionistic and auto-erotic. Exhibitionism is a condition in which sexual arousal occurs after exposure of the naked body to observers or to spectators or to others. This is exhibitionism. The opposite of exhibitionism is voyeurism. To some extent, sadistic narcissists are voyeuristic as well, but they're mostly exhibitionistic. They are aroused by their own naked bodies as seen through the gaze of other people. And this is also at the core of auto-erotism. Auto-erotism is an attraction to one's own body. The body itself becomes only the exclusive sex object. So the sadistic narcissist is delectably both exhibitionistic and auto-erotic. His body is his exclusive sex and love object. This is known as narcissistic libido. He is aroused by other people, but he is not aroused by their minds or their bodies. He is aroused by their gaze and by their submissiveness. We'll come to it a bit later. He is impervious, the sadistic narcissist. He is impervious to flirting or to seduction or to any social queue and doesn't play by the sexual rules. So this is in a nutshell the sadistic narcissist. Now let us delve deeper into this improbable creature. The sadistic narcissist or malignant narcissist apprehends his body through other people's gaze. This is exhibitionism, as I've explained. He gets aroused and he consumates the sex with masturbation. So as far as the sadistic narcissist is concerned, sex equals masturbation. Masturbation with other people's bodies and masturbation in front of other people, in the presence of other people. But it's all self-centered. It's all self-directed. It's the sadistic narcissist body that is the locus of pleasure, of climax, of orgasm. Not the other person present. Regardless of what the other person in the room does, it doesn't matter. The sadistic narcissist is inwardly focused. Usually the masturbation involves self-inflicted, masochistic, or paraphiliac acts and more rarely, cross-dressing. This is one of the forms of othering himself. By cross-dressing, for example, the sadistic malignant narcissist can pretend that he is two people, himself and the opposite sex. Now, apropos opposite sex, everything I say in this video applies to women as well. About half of all women, half of all narcissists are women. Okay, so what do we have here? We have one sadistic narcissist, one or more people in the room. The sadistic narcissist gets aroused by the fact that he is naked and being observed by other people. That's the exhibitionistic part. It is through the gaze that he finds his own body attractive. And so he makes love to his own body. He masturbates. He masturbates in an elaborate manner, with a variety of masochistic and paraphiliac acts, caressing, keying and so on and so forth. There's self-initiation with sex toys and with objects. This is very common. Caressing, hugging or kissing your autogenic parts of the body, his own body. So this, the sex of the sadistic malignant narcissist is an act of intercourse with himself. He has sex with himself. When he hugs, he hugs himself. He caresses himself. He kisses himself. He penetrates himself. He pretends to be someone else for himself. He masturbates. It's all self-centered and self-focused. The partner just happens to be there and to service the sadistic malignant narcissist in ways which we will describe in a minute. To yield arousal, other people's gaze must confirm to the sadistic narcissist his omnipotence and his irresistibility. Sex appeal taken to the extreme. So it's not enough to have a gaze, but the gaze has to be tightly and concretely defined. It's a gaze of adulation. It's a gaze of fascination. It's a gaze of inexorable attraction. It's a gaze of, Oh my God, I'm going to lose control. You are so irresistible. It's a gaze that conveys to the sadistic malignant narcissist information that buttresses and supports his grandiose, inflated self-perception and self-image, renders him godlike and infuses him with energy, fuels him with energy, narcissistic supply. So it goes like this in the mind of a sadistic narcissist. Here is a monologue that is very typical when a sadistic narcissist is in the presence of a willing, consenting partner, a loving partner, a caring partner, a partner for a night who only wants sex. Never mind in the presence of someone else who is about to have sex with a sadistic narcissist. This is the monologue. People find me irresistible. Since I'm irresistible to others, I find myself attractive as well. So many people who find me attractive, so many people who find me irresistible, they can't all be wrong. So that means that I am attractive. That means I am irresistible and I'm attractive and irresistible not only to them, but to myself as well. So I can have sadomasochistic sex with a perfect object, with myself, with irresistible me. I can have sex now with an object who would utterly comply with my wishes, because it's me. But how can the sadistic narcissist be sure that people do indeed find him irresistible? How can he ascertain that they are not manipulating or telling him what he wants to hear? Sadistic malignant narcissist? A paranoid. They often entertain paranoid ideation. Is she a gold digger? Is she out to manipulate me? Is she just lonely? Is she stupid and misjudges me? Is her taste bad and so on and so forth? Maybe she's just sex-starved, hungry for sex. She would have sex with anyone. How does the sadistic narcissist make sure that he is truly the one and only, uniquely irresistible, unbelievably attractive? Tess. He tests his intimate partners. Intimate partner for a night or intimate partner in a relationship, doesn't matter. He tests them. He subjects his partners to narcissistic abuse and he presents sexual demands for specific practices to the partner. He abuses her. He insults her, humiliates her, and so on shames her, debases her, degrades her. All this on the one hand. And on the other hand, he presents to her his preferences in sex. Preferences and practices which are disgusting, shameful, debasing, degrading, humiliating, and socially unacceptable. King, threesome, group sex, sadomasochism, and even parapherias. Now, the sadistic narcissist himself does not perceive these demands and practices, preferences and predilections, proclivities and wishes, sexual in nature. He doesn't perceive them as disgusting or shameful or debasing or degrading or humiliating, but he knows that his partner would. That's the point. It's not that he truly believes that what he's doing is disgusting, but he knows that his partner would find it disgusting. It's not that he considers his actions and preferences and orientation shameful or debasing or degrading or humiliating, but he knows that his partner would feel humiliated, degraded, and debased, having gone through the motions of catering to his sexual needs and fantasies. So this is the point. The point is what the partner, how the partner considers these demands and practices, not how the sadistic narcissist regards them. Okay. Having been subjected to these tests, narcissistic abuse and kinky sex in the best case, sometimes parapheria sex, having been subjected to these tests, the partner can depart, can abandon the sadistic sexual analysis, can go away, dump him, or she can stick around. If the partner sticks around despite the abuse and if the partner also considers the sexual wishes and predilections of the sadistic narcissist alluring if she gives enthusiastic consent, if his fantasies are her fantasies as well, if she's always been looking for someone like that, if she's also into essentially the same practices, even though she finds them disgusting and shameful and debasing and degrading and humiliating, she is into this because she is masochistic or because she is submissive. Because she finds them disgusting, shameful, debasing, degrading, and humiliating, they arouse her. She is aroused by her own self-trushing, by her own disgust and revulsion, by her own shame. They arouse her, being degraded, humiliated, and debased sexually is the ultimate fantasy of such a partner. So if the partner calles, conforms to the sadistic narcissist fantasies, embraces them, adopts them, resonates with them, has had them for decades, is into this kind of behavior and practices, then it's a perfect match. She sticks around, she pass the first loyalty test debt of narcissistic abuse, and she is granted enthusiastic consent to the fantasies, demands and wishes and plans of the sadistic malignant narcissists. She finds all these alluring. The sadistic narcissists though interprets this kind of behavior, sticking around enthusiastic consent, active collaboration, initiation of additional fantasies. He interprets all these as proof of irresistibility. Such behaviors mean that the partner finds him irresistible or improving. The fact that the partner gives enthusiastic consent, the fact that the partner even initiates the sex acts and the sex practices. These consented enthusiasts serve to emphasize the sadistic narcissists self-imputed, self-perceived irresistibility and sex appeal. That is why sadistic malignant narcissists are not into sexual coercion, sexual assault, rape and all these kinds of things. Unlike the classic non-narcissistic sadists, the sadistic narcissists assiduously shuns, avoids, all forms of coercion because coercion detracts from his self-perception as irresistible. If you are truly, if one is truly irresistible, one doesn't have to rape. If one truly has a sex appeal, one doesn't need to coerce. If one is truly unbelievably, extraordinarily attractive, one doesn't need to use force. So, sadistic malignant narcissists contrary to the stereotype are actually consensus seekers. They are hell-bent on consent, especially enthusiastic consent. They're looking for a match. They're looking for a partner whose sex life, sexuality, psychosexuality and fantasies match 100% the sadistic narcissists because they need the partner's active involvement, enthusiasm, initiative. They need these as proofs, evidence of the sadistic narcissists' irresistibility, sex appeal, attractiveness. What's the point in coercing a partner into doing something? On the very contrary, that's proof of lack of attractiveness. That's proof of a deficient sex appeal. If you have to force someone to do something, it means you're not attractive. Definitely, it means you're not irresistible. So, it won't do. One last point. The sadistic narcissists' sexuality, active sexuality, is crucially dependent on his ability to maintain the cognitive distortion known as grandiosity. When the grandiosity of the sadistic narcissists is challenged or undermined in any way, narcissistic injury and narcissistic modification, no amount of enthusiastic consent, no number of willing, flirting, seductive partners, no amount of exposure to potential sex mates, playmates, nothing can convince the sadistic narcissists of his irresistibility when his grandiosity has been challenged, undermined, or compromised. An intact sense of grandiosity goes hand in hand with a self-conviction of irresistibility. When one is damaged, the other becomes dysfunctional. When the grandiosity is challenged, when there's narcissistic injury and narcissistic modification, the sadistic narcissist cannot perceive himself as irresistible and therefore cannot have sex with himself. His sexuality is turned off. Similarly, when the sadistic malignant narcissist is multiply rejected, either by multiple partners or by the same partner, there is a damage to grandiosity and to the sense of irresistibility and he cannot have sex. He decafects himself. He self-rejects. He withdraws his emotional energy from himself. He no longer considers himself a sex object, let alone a love object, and he loses his sex drive altogether becoming celibate for inordinately long periods of time, sometimes decades for decades. So, grandiosity and irresistibility lead to sexuality in the sadistic narcissist world. So, a sadistic narcissist who is extremely successful, powerful, rich, famous, is likely to find himself irresistible, is likely to be besotted with himself, attracted to himself, is likely to wish to have sex with himself via the agency and the gaze of an appropriate consenting enthusiastic intimate partner. But a sadistic narcissist who is collapsed, who has failed to obtain narcissistic supply, who has been mocked and ridiculed in shame, who has been challenged, who has been humiliated, whose grandiosity has been undermined, this kind of sadistic narcissist will find himself irresistible and will not look for partners. He will also reject potential partners. Never mind how enthusiastic they are because his sexuality will have been turned off by the narcissistic injury or the narcissistic modification. And as long as the grandiosity is not restored palpably and considerably, his sexuality is turned off. And if there is a state of collapse which lasts 15 years, then he is going to absent himself. He's going to avoid sex. He's going to become clinically or technically asexual for this prolonged protracted period of time. 10 years, 5 years, 15 years, 20 years. Two years, two months, never mind until the grandiosity is restored. That's a precondition. You are beginning to see that the sadistic narcissist's psychosexuality is indeed auto-erotic. This grandiosity doesn't have to do, has to do mostly with the narcissist himself. It's a self-regulatory, cognitive distortion. And so the narcissist needs to feel good with himself, needs to feel good-like in order to be attracted to himself, in order to have sex at all. And the intimate partner is just there to convey to the narcissist, to communicate to the narcissist, oh my God, you're drop dead gorgeous or you're an amazing genius or you're irresistible or you're super attractive. Your sex appeal is extraordinary. She needs to continue to communicate these messages to the narcissist in order to render himself irresistible in his own eyes to himself so that he can then initiate sex with himself as an irresistible sex object and then fall in love with himself, clinically speaking. It's very infantile. It's very mature. It's very primitive. This is what babies do actually. There's a phase, primary narcissism, where this, exactly this is happening. Where the baby is attracted to its own body, makes love to its own body, regards its own body as irresistible, various parts at a time. Freud described it in his psychosexual stages of early childhood development. This is called the latency period. So the sadistic narcissistic sexuality is essentially latent. It comes out only in the presence of other people, but it is still self-directed. Because this sadistic malignant narcissist doesn't have any object relations to speak of, is unable to relate to other people because he cannot perceive them as external objects. He has no empathy and so on and so forth. He's unable to interact with other people in any meaningful way. And sex is by far the most meaningful way. So of course, he is incapable of having sex. Whatever he does that resembles sex, even in the presence of willing, consenting, loving, enthusiastic partners, the sex he has with these people is not sex at all. It's masturbation. Not even masturbation with their bodies, the way a somatic narcissist does it, but masturbation with their gaze, the need to be seen is sexualized in the sadistic narcissistic pathology. The sadistic narcissist is attracted to himself, sexually and psychologically. We call this process auto-erotism. It is common to all narcissists. But in the case of the sadistic narcissist, he needs proof. In order to be attracted to himself, he needs to see himself through other people's gaze. He needs other people to tell him that he is irresistible, sexually and mentally, that he is unique, that he is amazing, that he is fascinating. He needs other people in other words to provide him with constant stream of narcissistic supply. But whereas the typical narcissist uses narcissistic supply to regulate his sense of self-worth, the sadistic narcissist uses narcissistic supply to regulate his auto-erotism. In other words, his sexual or psychosexual attraction to himself. When the sadistic narcissist has received feedback or input from his intimate partner, from his friends, that he is indeed omnipotent and indeed irresistible. His level of psychosexual arousal increases. He says to himself, they think I'm attractive. They find me irresistible. They believe I'm godlike. So probably I am. And if I'm that attractive and that irresistible, then it makes sense for me to find myself the only viable, feasible and worthwhile sex object or love object. It makes sense to make love to myself because I'm so vastly superior to everyone else. I'm being told that I'm irresistible. I'm being told that I'm omnipotent. I'd rather believe it. And as such, I'd rather make myself my own intimate partner, my own mate, my own lover. And so this is the sequence. And this is the content of the shared fantasy of the sadistic narcissist. The content is auto-erotic. The sadistic narcissist associates pain, hurt, abuse, humiliation, degradation, shame and guilt. Associates all these negative effects, negative behaviors, negative outcomes. Associates all of them with the sex drive. They, all these things arouse him. And when he inflicts pain and abuse on a consenting, willing, collaborating partner, this creates in him arousal. Initially the arousal is psychological. I'm so amazing. But then it translates as everything else does in the sadistic narcissist's mind. It translates to think or sexual arousal, sexual self-attraction. This is the shared fantasy. The shared fantasy, the sadistic narcissist's shared fantasy is comprised of the sadistic narcissist alone, whereas the intimate partner or the friend within the shared fantasy, their role is to trigger the sadistic narcissist's auto-erotism. And in this sense the shared fantasy of the sadistic narcissist is you indeed unique among the shared fantasies of all other types of narcissists. And today I'm going to explain to you intricate dynamics that lead to this outcome of caricatured, exaggerated, ostentatious, conspicuous, self-arousal, self-attraction, auto-erotism, self-sexuality which manifests in masturbation, even in sex. So how does it go there? How does it reach this level? This is the topic of today's video. Everything I say I'm using the male gender pronoun but today about half of all narcissists are women. So everything, the gender pronouns are interchangeable. Could easily replace he with she, him with her, etc. The last one in this sequence is the sadistic narcissist. Luckily for all of us, only a tiny minority, a fraction of a fraction of narcissists are clinically sadistic. They are known as malignant narcissists. They are an exaggeration or an extrapolation of the dark, tetrad personality, the psychopaths, the sadists, their narcissists and obviously the manipulative, the Machiavellian. The shared fantasy of such narcissists, the sadistic narcissists, is very special, is very unique. To understand why, we need to go back a bit. All narcissists, regardless of hue and colour, all narcissists are auto-erotic. They are sexually aroused by their own bodies. They contemplate themselves as sex objects. So they are attracted to themselves. They are aroused, they masturbate a lot and they usually climax or orgasm in masturbation or some kind of sexual interaction with oneself, not with others. So they are auto-erotic. But in the case of the sadistic narcissists, there is an added layer or added complication. The sadistic narcissist is aroused by his own body, but he is doubly excited, triply aroused when he also finds a partner an obsequious, obedient, submissive, compliant, malleable partner or a victim. And then he degrades the partner, he debases her, humiliates her or coerces her. This is known as sadistic supply. He derives or extracts from her a sadistic supply. And it is this sadistic supply coupled with the sadistic narcissists auto-erotism that create the arousal, sexual arousal, but also psychosexual arousal. There is a psychological component to this. A general state of excitation, narcissistic elation, feeling of omnipotence, grandiosity, divide, etc. etc. Narcissists, sadistic narcissists feel godlike in such circumstances where it has his body and someone else's body to play with. And the other person is an extension, a tool, an instrument, a device to be turned on and off, manipulated to perform functions, dreams, expectations and fantasies of the sadistic narcissist. But I keep mentioning sex and it's not limited to sex. The sadistic narcissist's sadism manifests actually mostly not in sex but in other settings. For example, the sadistic narcissist likes to humiliate people, especially publicly. He likes to shame people. He likes to guilt-trip people. He likes to verbally abuse people, debase them, berate them, chastise them, criticize them, destructively, not constructively. So the sadism does have a bodily dimension, a corporeal dimension, but also has a psychological verbal dimension. They're usually coupled. Both situations the one that involves bodies and the one that involves the psyche, the psychology. Both of them create a rousal in the sadistic narcissist and it easily translates into sex acts or sexual action. So the sadistic narcissist may start by verbally abusing his partner or his victim and then go from there or degenerate from there or devolve from there or evolve from there, depending on the circumstances, to a full-fledged series of sex acts. Another thing which must be made clear, in the overwhelming vast majority of cases the actions of the sadistic narcissist are consensual. There is consent. The sadistic narcissist much prefers to have a willing partner to collaborate with, to collude with in the generation of this shared fantasy of omnipotence. So sadistic narcissist would not derive sadistic supply from rape, for example, or sexual assault. There's no glory in it. There's no proof of irresistibility. There's no evidence of omnipotence in raping someone. It's brute, primitive force and the narcissist conceives of himself as above that, superior to other people. The sadistic narcissist likes to believe that it is his amazing personality or intellect or traits or accomplishments or behaviors that convert potential partners into actual partners. And it is this process of conversion that endows the sadistic narcissist with a sense of elation of having succeeded of having garnered supply. The essence of the supply is in the conversion of someone into a partner in the shared fantasy of the sadistic narcissist. So the overwhelming majority of cases there is consent very often enthusiastic consent by the partner having been converted by the sadistic narcissist into a figment of the shared fantasy into a willing adherent and follower and fan of and collaborator and colluder in the shared fantasy. This is a joint enterprise but within this joint enterprise the narcissist has an element of fantasy which the victim or the partner is deprived of. The narcissist convinces himself that he is irresistible that he is omnipotent. The very practices within the shared fantasy sadistic narcissist sexual practices and non-sexual practices the very practices constitute incontrovertible proof of the sadist godlike self-imputed grandiose power omnipotence irresistibility to others as well as to himself. It's as if the narcissist is saying if I brought her my partner to accept my sexual predilections and proclivities to collude and collaborate in the sexual practices in my sexual practices to stay with me to not abandon me despite my extreme verbal abuse humiliation degradation debasement this shows that I'm irresistible this is proof that I'm godlike and omnipotent so the sadist is most sexually attracted to himself when he gains unmitigated power over other people such abusive power asymmetry is the sadist shared fantasy and wet dream of himself to paraphrase Henry Kissinger power asymmetry is an aphrodisiac the partner's inability and unwillingness to resist is arousing the partner's consent is exciting so the consensual element in the shared fantasy is what substantiate and underlies and buttresses the sadistic narcissist's grandiosity and allows him to maintain the fantasy the very consent by his partner to sexual practices such as kink or sadomaso degradation her very willingness to accept and absorb and overlook overcome abuse in a variety of forms not only sexual, humiliation shaming isolation and in very extreme cases coercive control these are all perceived by the sadistic narcissist as evidence of his omnipotence comparative omnipotence evidence of his irresistibility I'm addictive he says to himself no, I'm like a drug of choice she is addicted to me and she is here to stay because I am unique and so the partner's consent her continued presence her collaboration in the practices of the shared fantasy her upholding of the values, wishes dreams, priorities, preferences of the sadistic narcissist her malleability and playability her submissiveness especially her submissiveness these these give rise to the narcissistic supply these elements are the narcissistic supply that gives rise to the fantasy within which the sadistic narcissist maintains his grandiose self-perception as omnipotent and irresistible omnipotent and irresistible so the sadist says possessing the unmitigated power to abuse degrade demean, debase, control and humiliate another person having this power to abuse in every which way to maltreat and mistreat egregiously time and again it is this power to do this to a willing consenting partner however reluctant is intoxicating this is intoxicating because this kind of power which is unusual is unique renders me unusual and unique it renders me more attractive more attractive and irresistible to myself so this gives rise to auto-erotism in the sadistic narcissist the sadistic narcissist says my partner's collaboration and compliance with my wishes sexual and other her acceptance of my abuse and mistreatment they prove that I am omnipotent they prove that I am irresistible and so because I am omnipotent and irresistible I am also or mainly irresistible to myself I attract myself it is as if the sadistic acts within the relationship with the sadistic narcissist with excess libido more life force maybe he takes the life force from the partner or from the victim but there is more life force there is more energy there and this energy which is very erotic energy is self directed auto-erotism so a typical sadistic narcissist would spend most of the sex masturbating most of the sex would spend most of the time together masturbating actually would be sexually attracted to his or her own body would be concerned with constant proof of irresistibility and omnipotence it is a love affair with himself the partner is just triggered the partner is there to prove to the narcissist his irresistibility and omnipotence and sadism is just a way to use power so extremely so radically and so egregiously that there is no escaping the conclusion that the person who is wielding the power the sadistic narcissist is god like because only god has such power over people the narcissist aspires the sadistic narcissist aspires to divinity in his relationship with his intimate partner or friends he wants to become their god he wants them to worship him he wants them to consider him as perfect and so the sadistic narcissist proves to himself and to others he is the fact that he is a deity by behaving as a wrathful deity he behaves as god would rendering everyone around him as sinners he becomes very punitive and he ties it in with morality very often he justifies it somehow he says this is tough love I'm doing it for your own good etc etc he disguises and camouflages his sadism and so then the sadistic narcissist shared fantasy consists of an intimate relationship with himself as the exclusive love object and sex object and his relationship with himself is mediated via his intimate partner or his friends or whatever he abuses them sexually and otherwise they consent to it they collaborate with it sometimes they look forward to it and this proves to him that he is perfection reified that he is godlike that he is so unique that he is irresistible and so omnipotent that he is right to use other people as instruments of self gratification auto-erotism in this case is tinged with a perception of other people as sex toys basically and so this is the shared fantasy of the sadistic narcissist now if you wish I can discuss the malignant narcissist they have a totally different shared fantasy