 You are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business for the next hour and 30 minutes This program will present in person such bright stars as Fred Allen Mindy Carson, John David, Douglas Fairbanks, Phil Silver, The Sons of the Pioneers, Margaret Truman, Meredith Wilson And my name darlings is Tallulah Bankhead The National Broadcasting Coverage presents the Big Show This is CERN AMERICA! The CURTINS OF AMERICA! We're going to be a pilot full of STARS! The Big Show, 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All-Star Festival And here is your hostess, The Glamorous, Unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead Well darlings, we've been doing The Big Show now for a month of Sundays But today, with Miss Margaret Truman on the program, there's a special feeling of excitement backstage And I suppose you're all wondering how we were able to get such a prominent personage as Miss Truman to be guest on our program Well really, all it took was a telephone call I called a certain party and that party called another party Who in turn called another party And naturally, these were all democratic parties Of course, some of the other performers who have never met Miss Truman are a little nervous about it Well not me, I'm not nervous Joan Davis You say you're not nervous, Joan, about meeting Margaret Truman Well why be I should? Was there to be nervous? About? In fact, I'm needing forward to looking her Oh you're in great shape, darling In fact, you're fabulous Fabulous? Well you're not built so hot yourself Look, Miss Bankhead, if you're really nervous about meeting Miss Truman, you can just stick close to me I'll cover up any mistakes that you might make You'll cover up any mistakes I make Oh sure, I'd just be glad to I know how it is when you're not a celebrity and you meet a celebrity like Miss Truman Well I'm sure you're bound to get nervous But out in Hollywood, I see celebrities all the time Yeah, well I live right across the street from where Guy Kibbie used to live No Yeah One of us ought to stop gargling madrano A lot of celebrities, big names like that all around me Darling, you know the name I have made in the theater Yeah, and they better not let me hear him saying it My dear Joan Oh you don't have to thank me I don't know why I beat my head against the wall talking to you Well maybe you're trying to get his shape you like Look Joan We happen to have Margaret Truman on our show tonight And I'd hope to start the show off on a high plane Now darling, please Would you say as little as possible to Miss Truman Because frankly, I look upon your stupidity with the utmost disapproval Well I look upon your disapproval with the utmost of stupidity How else darling Joan, we should all try to act our best and look our best today Well I look my best, don't you like my gown? Oh yes dear, I always have Well I like the gown you're wearing to Lula Thank you Joan You're pretty dressed up for a radio announcer Now look here you'll, oh I'll build your bottom You're my guest You're sorry I'm your guest? Yes, oh no I mean I'm just sorry I lost my temper I'm glad you like my gown Joan But really it's nothing Almost If it was any lower on top and any higher on the bottom it'd be a belt And I specifically asked him to send me Joan Davis, not Betty With that dress you're wearing we've practically got all about Eve I will have you know my pet that this gown cost me $750 not including the tax Oh they should have included a few tax At least some pins with it Now look at my dress it only cost $600 Yes it's lovely darling, where's the government bond darling? Government bond? Well surely for $600 they gave you a $500 bond with that dress Tell me dear, where is the tea that came with that bag you're wearing? Bag, this is the finest satin Well if you ask me it's too shiny My new satin gown is shiny where? Where it's sat in If you don't mind darling let's drop that topic Yeah well it's your topic you can drop it where you want it Oh now Joan darling please let's not stand here bickering No I didn't bick Now Miss Truman will be here soon are you sure you know how to act? Oh sure I read about it in an etiquette book If I'm a man I bow and if I'm a woman I courtesy Are you having difficulty making up your mind darling? No it's not so hard I only get my choice of two I don't think though that I better bow in this dress So I'll just courtesy I'd show you what I mean but I only got one good courtesy left in me And I'm sort of saving that for Miss Truman I can get down once but I may never get up again I may have to do the rest of the whole show from a kneeling position Oh Joan darling you don't have to courtesy Margaret Truman is just like any other normal American girl Whose father is president Yep I just can't get over it She must be brilliant Think of it she's only in her 20s and already She's the daughter of the president Oh that reminds me I must make sure Meredith Wilson has the music ready for her Oh Meredith darling Yes Miss Bankhead Meredith Darling is your orchestra all ready For the president's daughter when she gets here Miss Petrillo is coming here today Happen to be talking about Margaret Truman And if possible I'd like to have your orchestra On their very best behavior All they will be I had a little trouble with the cellist But he finally took off his landing button I'll have him play something I want to make sure they at least in tune Have you got anything handed there Meredith Sure I got a tune here called This Is It Ladies and gentlemen here's a bright novelty tune Meredith Wilson and the big show orchestra and chorus In Meredith's latest song This Is It When I was very young I once got struck by lightning And once I fell downstairs with a barrel of beer I once shot a firecracker off in a grand piano Was just so much lemon meringue This Is It This Is Knock Down, Drag Out, Two Guns, Solid Gold Love This Is It This Is One Mixed Land Bank Strait I'm off the docks shutting My folks gave me advice This Is It Stars Above Knock Down, Drag Out, Two Guns, Solid Gold Love This Is It Stars Above This Is Knock Down, Drag Out, Two Guns, Solid Gold Love I should tell you what a hit you've written It was wonderful darling And now ladies and gentlemen You're in for a treat Because our next guest is Mr. Douglas Fairbanks Jr In these days of iron curtains Brutal tyrannies Mysterious disappearances and sudden deaths It is difficult for fiction to rival the terror And violence commonplace in the world today It is a tribute to fine artistry in production Writing and performance But the smash new film does succeed In bringing to life on the screen A hair-raising adventure that matches today's realities We are privileged to bring you on the big show A portion of that picture So here is its star, Mr. Douglas Fairbanks Jr In Columbia Pictures' fine new release State Secret My name is Marlowe, Dr. John Marlowe I have a reservation on a plane to Bosnia Oh, thank you Dr. Marlowe, could I have a word with you? You know perfectly well that as a doctor I can't give interviews to the press We understand you're flying over to Bosnia this morning To receive the Kepler Medal And to demonstrate your new technique and operation Yes, that's right What about the political angle? After all, you're an American Your country's relations with the General Eason Moniva's government are Well, not exactly friendly I am an American doctor living in London I shall continue to be an American all the way But first I am a doctor and totally uninterested in politics It seems to me that the Bosnian Congress of Science Has made a gesture which places medicine above politics I am just returning that gesture, that's all Good morning, gentlemen Attention, please Flight 505 for Bosnia Landing at gate 12 All aboard, please Welcome to Bosnia, Dr. Marlowe I am Dr. Rivo, president of the Medical Institute Oh, how do you do? And may I present Colonel Galcon Personal representative of our Prime Minister General Eason Moniva I bring you personal greetings From General Eason Moniva He bids you welcome and offers his sincere apologies That affairs of state make it impossible For him to welcome you himself Thank you Colonel Galcon, gentlemen Please convey my sincerest thanks to the Generalissimo, my deepest appreciation For the honor which Bosnia has seen fit to payment You know, gentlemen, somehow I've got the impression that Generalissimo Was here to greet me His pictures are everywhere It's the first thing I saw when I got off the plane Indeed, yes, Dr. Marlowe The people insist on it Generalissimo and Evo is very close to their hearts Shall we go to the car? I've arranged that there be no customs formalities Our itinerary is quite heavy But naturally, we want to get to the Medal presentation ceremony as quickly as possible And now, Dr. Marlowe It is my very great privilege as representative Of our Prime Minister, Generalissimo Moniva, to present to you The first American ever to receive it The Kepler Gold Medal In recognition of your outstanding contribution To South Thank you, sir In developing a new surgical technique For treatment of a disease until now Invariably fatal We are also most grateful for your willingness To share your knowledge by demonstrating Your technique to our leading specialist Thank you, Colonel Galcom Also, we felt you'd like to demonstrate Your operative technique to our surgeons As soon as possible Of course, gentlemen, the sooner the better Good, I've arranged for the demonstration To be at my clinic Where we have an excellent new operating theater Oh, that'll be fine I've had the patient move there If you're willing, I'll order the car And escort at once By all means I hope you won't think we are rushing things But since you insist on leaving tomorrow afternoon I'm afraid I have no choice, Colonel Galcom I have appointments But you will go back to London With a horribly antiseptic impression of us No Can't I persuade you to join my party Later on a tour of our more decadent night clubs Well, I'd like to, but I'll need sleep tonight It's shameful we are exploiting you But as we are unlikely to meet again I'll say goodbye Goodbye, Colonel Galcom, and thank you The car is waiting, Dr. Marlon I'm ready, Dr. Riva Oh, I... I can't very well walk out of here Wearing this medal, can I? I'd look a little ostentatious Besides, it's quite heavy Solid gold, as is the box Is that so? But permit me I'll place it in its case And guard it carefully Until we return from the clinic Oh, good Now, about this patient Can you tell me something of the history? I have everything here You can go over the records in the car Oh, very thorough Tell me, who is the patient? A middle-aged man The name? Does it matter? This way, Dr. Marlon Have you finished examining the patient, Dr. Marlon? Why, yes, I think so Everything seems to be all right Nothing abnormal Yes, sir, I think you're going to come out fine There, there, don't look so frightened We're going to make a new man of you What's he saying? Well, he said... Thank you, thank you Well, you can prepare him now We'll operate as soon as I finish scrubbing up Very good, Dr. The surgeons have already assembled In the operating theater Oh, we mustn't keep them waiting, eh? All right, I won't be more than a few minutes I usually prefer a paramedian incision In these cases, gentlemen Though I've done a few with a cotcher's incision Sponge, please I said sponge Thank you If the others in the operating theater To see this, you doctors here in the operating room Better stand back from the table Please Very well, we'll continue It is essential that the trauma of the blood vessels Be reduced to a minimum By exercising great care in their handling In view of the danger of post-operative thrombosis I've asked you gentlemen not to crowd me Will you kindly stealth back? Scalpel I said scalpel What's the matter with you people? What's wrong here? The patient pulse Raisin slightly Good, quite good, doctor There's too much tension here Too much fumbling Obvious too that half of you Standing in this operating room And not doctors at all Take off that patient's mask Dr. Marlow, I beg of you Take off that anesthetic mask I want to see the patient's face But please, doctor Take your hand off my arm, Dr. Rebo Remove that mask This is not the man I examined before This man was... This man is the man on the posters This man is Generalissimo Niva The dictator of Bosnia Continue the operation, Dr. Marlow Of course What kind of a doctor do you think I am? Scalpel Look lively now Clamps I congratulate you, Dr. Marlow That was a magnificent job I hope you're satisfied, Colonel Galcom If I hadn't betrayed myself By yielding to an impulse And crowding you in the operating room You would not have noticed me Not recognized me Not become suspicious Not discovered who your patient really was But it is too late for that Is it not? Much too late I expected to be treated According to elementary civilized standards of behavior Obviously, I was mistaken I can only beg your pardon I am not interested This has been a gross abuse of confidence I accept full responsibility I should like a car to take me back immediately Will the patient recover? You had better ask General Niva His guest is as good as mine How long will it be before he is out of danger? What's that got to do with it? You're going to explain this to Washington and London Would you say ten days should tell whether or not The operation was successful? About that Just a moment, Dr. Marlow I don't think you can leave just yet Oh, yes, I'm leaving, Colonel Galcom But you haven't heard the last of this, I can promise you I said I don't think you can leave, Dr. Marlow If you try to... That's better, doctor Just bow to the inevitable Well, Colonel, I... Here, I'm to be permitted to leave at last You heard correctly, doctor The ten days are up The General seemingly has made a complete recovery So here is your plane reservation Time of departure? Half an hour My own guards will see to it that you are taken safely to the field Thank you Well, not at all, doctor You have, of course, our humblest apologies For the unfortunate slugging, the detention, the assorted Shall I say, abuses? You might very well say, Colonel What one might speculate upon What would have happened if the General had died? Your little dictatorship would have fallen apart Oh, no The people would never be permitted to know that he was dead What? Oh, please don't be naive Every contingency has been taken care of The people would not know And one of the Generalissimo's doubles would have ruled on, Merrily Incredible But I would... Exactly Could we have let you return to England? What do you mean? An unfortunate accident, shall we say On the way to the airport or in the plane itself You're not serious You wouldn't have me murdered Of course I would What is one life against the security of a whole state? Oh, by the way, here is your medal, you forgot it Thanks Thanks for showing me the reverse side But we are only amusing ourselves within an exercise in theory A source of chess problem, eh? But why are you letting me go now? You know very well that I'll make a full report We shall simply deny Come Very well, Andre, wait in the car The doctor will be down presently The doctor will go now Wait The plane will keep One for the old doctor Why not, Colonel? Your ethics are unspeakable But your seller is excellent To your very good health May you live long to exercise your brilliant talent For the benefit of humanity I dream to... Dr. Evo, is there something I can do for you? Generalissimo, Niva, he's dead So, the chess problem is no longer theoretical, Dr. Mahalo It is our move, I believe No, it's my move, Colonel I give you back your medal Shoot, shoot! The airport, Andre, and fast I wouldn't want to miss that plane I'm sorry, sir, the car won't start Douglas Fairbanks, your usual polished performance But you're not going to leave me on edge like this Now, what happened to the American doctor To perform the operation in Bosnia? Did he get away? That, Tallulah, is a state secret No, darling, you can tell me I'll keep my big mouth shut But it's a surprise ending And I don't want to give it away Why don't you go to your neighborhood movie And see it for yourself? I can't wait that long Look, if it costs me 75 cents To see the movie, I'll give you 75 cents Tell me how to end it You smoke when you go to the movies, Tallulah? Of course, darling, why? Well, that'll be $1.10 for the loge All right, I'll give you $1.10 It'll be a long wait for the loge seats All right, I'll sit in the orchestra Did the doctor get out of Bosnia? Come on, darling, I'm burning up with curiosity No smoking in the orchestra Look, Junior You make a very good usher But if you don't mind, I'd like to usher you in six stalwart men Who come from three southern countries Really, what three countries? Texas Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen them In all the Roy Rogers pictures They all sit around the campfire roasting And here they are, pretty well barbecued by now The sons of the pioneers Water Listen to him, then he's a devil now Listen to him, then he's a devil now He's a burning sand with water I'd like to meet every one of you What are your names, darlings? Tax is four And you? Tax, peramen You? Tax, vissure And go on Tax, Curtis And yours? Tax, bar And finally? Tax, dos Where do you boys hail from? Oklahoma Something tells me I might as well take this time To bring my chimes This is NBC, the national broadcasting company The Big Show This is the national broadcasting company Sunday Extravaganza With the most scintillating personalities In show business This portion of the program is the Sunday feature Of NBC's all-star festival of comedy Music, drama, and mystery Brought to you by the makers of Anison For fast relief from pain of headache Uranus and neuralgia By your local Ford dealer Who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford The car that's built for the years ahead By RCA Victor World leader in radio First in recorded music First in television And by Chesterfield The cigarette that gives you mildness Plus no unpleasant aftertaste The link stars in this program are Fred Allen, Mindy Carson, Joan Davis Douglas Fairbanks Jr. Phil Silvers The Sons of the Pioneers Margaret Truman, Meredith Wilson And the Big Show Orchestra and chorus And every week Your hostess, the glamorous Unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead Well, darlings I know you're all waiting for the appearance Of Miss Margaret Truman And I'm about to present her Do I look all right? I hope she notices this gown I got this specially for this occasion But all of a sudden it feels as if It's dropping off me Of course I had a design that way Well, I'm going to bring Miss Truman on now With a fanfare of trumpets We have a red carpet we're going to roll out And we have a very effective ceremony With scattered rose petals Hello, Miss Bankhead Why, Margaret Truman Miss Truman, you should have waited For a fanfare in rose petals And we were even going to roll out A red carpet for you to stand on As part of the ceremony Oh, you know I don't like to stand on ceremony Oh, darling The first line and already a joke I am the emcee, remember, Miss Truman But you do look divine, darling What a beautiful gown Really, you didn't have to go to all that trouble To have a gown make just for this occasion I didn't Well, what a coincidence So did I And I adore your gown Thank you, Miss Bankhead And And what? And who's gown do you adore, Miss Truman? I don't know You don't know, why not? I lost my place So early in the show, darling But what I've been trying to find out Is how do you like my gown Don't you think it does something for me? I do It's in such good taste Not too daring And still just a slight suggestion I design it myself, you know I design the clothes for all my plays And they always cause so much comment Just as this little gown has caused Don't you think it's sweet, Miss Truman? I do, don't you? Yes Oh, it's okay So kind of you to say so many nice things About my dress If I do say so myself And I think I did Thank you, Miss Truman You're welcome, Miss Bankhead Now, how are things, Miss Truman? How's everyone at home? I'm fine And how are the Blair's? The Blair's? Well, yes, darling Didn't I read somewhere that you were staying with the Blair's While they're repapering your house or something? Yes, we lost our place temporarily Again, darling, we're on page 29 Oh, your place? Oh, I see, darling, I didn't understand Oh, I'm sorry Well, is there anyone at home Listening to our program? I guess so Oh, sweet Well, would you like to say hello To anyone special? May I? Oh, please do, darling What a scoop Go right ahead, Miss Truman All right Hello, Margaret Margaret? Who's Margaret? That's me I'd like to hear somebody on this program Say by my first name Oh, that's so sweet, darling And you don't have to call me Miss Bankhead, darling Call me by my given name Will you, darling? Yes, darling I was getting all the loves And now, Margaret I want you to meet some of the other members of our cast That's Phil Will you come in a minute, Phil Silvers? My goodness, that's the biggest round of applause I ever got No wonder they call it the big show Of course, the applause card they hold up here It's much bigger than on any other show Now, Phil, there's somebody here I want you to meet Miss Truman, may I present Mr. Phil Silvers? How do you do? How do you do? I was on a show once where they held up the applause card Upside down I got the biggest round of Esselpaw you ever heard Phil, this is Margaret Truman Glad to see you, hi You get the gag, Esselpaw Applaud, spell backwards, bunny All right, ESU, it's a pretty good show Miss Truman, dear Miss Truman is the daughter of the president Yeah, we just met, nice kid, hi Daughter of the president of NBC? Look, honey, I got a wonderful idea for a radio show I come on and I say, hello again, this is Phil Silvers Phil, Miss Truman is from Washington Yeah, hey, I'm a big hit in Washington, especially in Seattle Do you ever play any of the night clubs in Seattle? No, I never have What's the bit? What's the routine? What are you going to do on this show? Phil, Miss Truman was kind enough to accept our invitation to sing on this program Oh, vocalist Miss Truman, oh, I should have known Say, you're not Harry James' vocalist, are you? No, I never had the pleasure Besides, I sing classical and semi-classical, you know, long hair Well, how do you do with that kind of stuff? Billy, well, thank you Not too good, huh? Listen, I happen to know all about singing You gotta sell this stuff Let me hear you make with the pipes How about trees? Now? Yeah, just a few bars, you know how it goes I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree Whatever that means Okay, take it, I think that I shall never see I think that I shall never see No, you're not selling it, kid So, you gotta sock it over, you gotta get it across I'll show you I think that I shall never see Never see You're fighting me Try it again, listen I think that I shall never see Maybe your way is better Phil Yeah? I think that I shall never see the day you're on this program again Well Unless you stop bothering Miss Truman Now, Margaret, darling, we have a happy little commercial Now, you know what a commercial is In radio, that's like the Marshall Plan Would you mind reading it, Ed Hurley, darling? Every day you hear more and more About an incredibly fast way to relieve the pains Of headache, neuritis, and uralgia It's anacin A-N-A-C-I-N Now the reason anacin is so wonderfully fast acting And effective is this Anacin is like a doctor's prescription That is, anacin contains not just one But a combination of medically proven, active ingredients In easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received envelopes containing Anacin tablets from their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief Anacin brings from pains of headache, neuritis, and uralgia So the next time a headache strikes Take anacin A-N-A-C-I-N Anacin In handy boxes of 12 and 30 Economical family-sized bottles of 50 and 100 Asked for anacin at any drug counter I think that I shall never see Oh, dear, dear, I love you in the springtime I want you to meet somebody else Miss Truman, this is Miss Joan Davis How do you do? Well, how do you do, Your Honor? Joan Get up off the floor Get up and say hello to Margaret Truman Can't you send her down here? Ladies and gentlemen, while Miss Davis is wallowing on the floor Meredith Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus Will bring us an unusual arrangement of a tune imported from France And being played for the first time in this country It is entitled Le Violin S'Amuse Which means the violins amuse themselves Or have fun, whatever Oh, Margaret, you must admit we have a splendid orchestra And chorus on this program You certainly have Well, before you sing your song, darling I'd like you to meet Meredith Wilson But right now I want you to meet Fred Another brilliant star of the Big Show, Fred Allen Miss Truman May I present Mr. Allen? How do you do, Mr. Allen? Well, how do you do? It's certainly a pleasure, but please don't call me Mr. Allen Call me by my given name All right, darling This girl has the makings of a Milton Bull Fred, I've been an admirer of your radio program for a long time Well, thank you, but where were you when my option came up Back there in 1948 In 1948, we were busy with an option problem ourselves Yes, but that option was renewed for another four years You were lucky you didn't have a quiz show running against you Anyway, Miss Truman, I'm surprised you don't have a radio program of your own Oh, I can't do anything well enough to have my own program Oh, in radio that's no handicap I feel like I'd be very happy to help you You see, I feel I owe you a great debt You owe me a great debt, Fred How's that? Well, I made an awful lot of money betting on the last collection I bet on Dewey Just a minute, you want money betting on Dewey I bet him to place I've missed you on radio, Mr. Allen I think you should have a program of your own Well, now look, Margaret If you want to talk to somebody about having a little law passed Oh, I don't have any influence at all The Senate, maybe No, Fred The House No Supreme Court I'm sorry Maybe a little night court somewhere outside of Nutley, New Jersey Of course, you've got strings over there to put Oh, Fred, you can get a radio program without any pull Oh, that was my trouble I had a radio program without any pull But getting back to you, Margaret You'd really be wonderful in radio But what would I do? All I can do is sing I can't tell any jokes to make the people laugh Don't worry about the people laughing Look, if the joke doesn't go over You just wear a hat that lights up Neon millinery, you know, with a little battery inside Oh, I couldn't use a battery, Fred Oh, that's right You have no connections, I forgot This might be an idea, Margaret Now, how about doing a big variety show About an hour and a half program And get the biggest names in show business While you could be the mistress of ceremonies Just a moment, that's my program I don't mind standing here without any lines But I simply refuse to stand here without a program Oh, don't worry, Tallulah I wouldn't dream of doing a program like that And why not, darling? Well, I don't think I'm old enough What? I'm not experienced enough Well, look, with no experience then, Margaret You ought to be in television Tell me, this is a haven For people who have no sets, you know We all get together But tell me, do you watch much television at home, do you? Oh, we don't have television in Washington Why not? D.C. I know there are people out there I can hear them breathing Now, oh, say Don't tell me that you won't be good on radio, Margaret Truman You just give me a minute to think I'll come up with an idea for a program for you Just a minute Maybe you can get an idea from a couple of my good friends Here they are, Bing Crosby and Bob Hope Say, Bob, incidentally, now that you're with Chesterfield Suggestion, please Why don't you try and conduct yourself With a little savor of fare A little finna sais quoi You're the vie Look, V.N. Rose Don't try to dazzle me with that stale French of yours I could dazzle you with English, Bob Dazzle me enough out of you Cheers to friends Skinflint and I, we do agree 100% on this Chesterfields are milder And they leave no unpleasant aftertaste So always buy our cigarette Chesterfield The best cigarette for you to smoke Chesterfield, Chesterfield Always wins first place That milder mild tobacco Never leaves an aftertaste So open a pack, give them a smell Then you'll smoke them Don't forget to give Crosby for Christmas I mean the Chesterfield Christmas carton With Bing as Papa Santa Claus Oh, ladies and gentlemen Say, pardon me, just a second to Lou Say, I think I have it, Margaret A great idea for a program Now the first thing you need, of course Is a singer I beg your pardon Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way I mean a popular singer I beg your pardon No, no, I mean an unpopular singer No, no, what I really mean is a singer Like Mindy Carson Mindy, will you step over here please Mindy, darling, I want you to meet someone Miss Truman, this is... Just a minute to Lou, let me introduce her You know, with two singers on the program You're bound to have trouble, let me handle this Mindy, I want you to meet Margaret Truman Miss Seattle of 1949 How do you do Mindy, it's a pleasure Now don't fight girls Oh, hello, Miss Truman, I'm pleased to meet you Now Mindy, is that a nice thing to say Mindy, I have all your records And I just love them Relax, Miss Truman, so what if she is a singer And I've gone to every one of your concerts Miss Truman, I just love your voice She's just kidding, Miss Truman, she doesn't mean it Miss Truman, I've been looking forward To meeting you for a long time Oh, girls, you both said the same thing together Make a wish You must lock your little fingers and make a wish Come on, girls, that's it There they go, they got a hammer lock on her Why, Phil, they're making a wish Why don't you go away There, I've made mine, me too No, no, no, you mustn't tell what the wish is It won't come true Mindy, I'd love to hear you sing a song Would you do that for me? Oh, see, my wish came true I just made a wish that you'd ask me that Certainly, I'd love to sing for you My song is The Touch of Your Lips That's the song I just wished you'd sing Well, if nobody's upon to pay any attention to me I'll be going Good I wasn't even wishing if my wish came true Well Same thing, darling Ladies and gentlemen, America's newest car The fine new Ford for 1951 Is now on display at your neighborhood Ford dealers, and when you see it You'll find that inside and out In every detail Of design and construction The 1951 Ford reflects True, fine car quality And in addition It offers 43 Look-ahead features Designed to keep the 51 Ford young in appearance And young in performance For example, there's Ford's smart Luxury lounge interiors With their exclusive color Harmonized Fordcraft fabrics There's the new automatic ride control That automatically adjusts spring reaction To the type of road To give you a level ride An easy ride And there's the automatic mileage maker That lets you get the last mile Out of every gallon of gasoline For utmost economy Visit your Ford dealer soon And see the 1951 Ford Yourself You'll agree You can pay more But you can't buy Better Have you thought of an idea for a program For Miss Truman yet? Yes, Tulu, I have a great idea And I could try it out on this program But I'll need an awful lot of actors Oh, that's easy, darling. I'm sure everyone on the show Will be glad to help. Oh, here's Doug Fairbanks. Doug, will you help us out? I'll be glad to. Oh, Doug, darling, I want you to meet someone. Miss Truman, may I present Mr. Doug as Fairbanks Junior? How do you do? How do you do, Miss Truman? It's a great pleasure. I've been following your career with great interest. Tell me, how does it feel to be the daughter Of a great man? How does it feel to be the son of a great man? Very well put, darling. Now we'll get the rest of the cost. Joan, Joan Davis, don't you think it's time You got up off that floor, darling? Well, I'll get up if somebody will give me a hand. All right, folks. How about a big hand For this little girl on the floor? Oh, please. We're trying to work out an idea For a program for Miss Margaret Truman. Oh, oh, you got a plot going. I didn't know that. Cute. Very cute. I like a plot. It's good. What's the plot? Well, Fairbanks has an idea For a program to star Margaret Truman, And we need everybody's help. Mendy, you'll help out, won't you? Oh, sure. What do I have to do? Well, Fairbanks is going to tell us all about that In just a minute, but first, of course, I'll start the program off by ringing my chimes Like this. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company. This is The Big Show. And Fran Allen is about to unveil an idea for a program starring Margaret Truman. Well, Ed, programs aren't wearing veils this year. This is rather a bare-faced idea. But I think Miss Truman should be presented on a discussion program where she meets many dignitaries and discusses world problems. How does that strike you, Margaret? Well, I don't know. Oh, darling, it'll be just the thing for you. A hostess on a discussion program and I'll be right here at your side to show you what to do. Well, Fred, how do we begin? Well, it would help a lot to loo if we could begin with a sponsor. Oh, yes, Margaret, you must have a sponsor. They give you free samples, you know. Try to get an automobile sponsor. I once had an automobile sponsor. I got more transmission bells. And they look well on you, too. I have just that. I have just that. And they look well on you, too. I have just such a sponsor in mind, girls. I have just such a sponsor in mind, girls. The banking institutions of America. The banking institutions of America. Now, the program, as I see it, will start off with a theme song. Meredith, how about some banking music? Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is the Margaret Truman program brought to you by the Banking Institutions of America. Friends, visit your friendly neighborhood bank. Friends, visit your friendly neighborhood bank. Browse around. Get acquainted with money. Get acquainted with money. When you're in Washington, D.C., visit our factory where money is made. When you're in Washington, D.C., visit our factory where money is made. Ask for a sample. Taste it. Bite into a crisp new dollar bill. Notice that fresh mint flavor. It's rich. It's green. It's tender. It's eagle tender. And now we present the star of our show, Ms. Margaret Truman. Hello again. This is Margaret Truman. Thank you, Ms. Truman. And now, back to our sponsor. Men, banks offer opportunities for rapid advancement. Mr. Phil S. of No Trump, Idaho has this to say. I started working at a bank six months ago. I didn't know a thing about banking. Now, I'm first vice president. And when my father absconds, I'll be president of the bank. Banking institutions of America have a fault to suit your every need. Mr. Douglas F. of Silly Putty North Dakota, right? I've been married 10 years, and for 10 years, my wife and I each saved money in a vault. And every year on our wedding anniversary, we buy each other a gift out of the money we've saved. We call them our anniversary vaults. American banks are friendly banks. Come in, even if it's only to buy a postage stamp. Ms. Joan D. of New York City says, Girls, I buy all my stamps at the bank. They have the stamp with the friendly mucilage that's kind to your tongue. Stamps come in six delicious flavors, strawberry, cherry, raspberry, orange, lemon, and air, nailed. Attention housewives, don't experiment making your own money. Use genuine United States money. It will save you time, possibly 20 years to life. A Ms. T. Ms. T. Bankhead, part-time debutant of Montgomery, Alabama. Ms. Bankhead has this to say. I have been using money for now for 20 years. The United States money is the rightest and greenest and richest in the world. I always look for the picture of George Washington on the label, except when I buy the large economy size with a picture of Abraham Lincoln. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is the star of our program, Ms. Margaret Truman. Hello again. This is Margaret Truman. Thank you, Ms. Truman, and now back to the commercial. And for this show, I gave up the Army-Navy game. Wait a minute, Fred, you can't treat Margaret like that. Well, but the commercial's a little lower. Besides, I don't think the banks are a good sponsor. If it's going to be a discussion program, she should have an educational sponsor. Well, all right, I tell you what, we'll get the board of education to sponsor it. Would that be all right with you, Margaret? Well, anything is all right, as long as I get to say something besides hello again. Oh, and living already, hey? Well, now, she's right, Fred, and I think the start-up program off, she should sing a song. How about it, Margaret? I'll be glad to. We'll do it now, darling. What are you going to sing, darling? I'd like to sing Dr. Frank Black's Arrangement of David Popper's Gavotte. Whenever you're ready, Mr. Wilson. From RCA Victor. This year on the night before Christmas, most American children and most American grown-ups, too, will nestle snug in their beds while visions of television sets dance in their heads. Who could help dreaming of such a sugar plum, one that sweetens your life in your choice of delicious flavors no fewer than 365 days every year. If you're the man behind Santa Claus at your house, don't decide you can't afford a television set this Christmas until you see the 18 beautiful new RCA Victor television models at your RCA Victor dealers. Divide their price tags by 365 and discover how amazingly little your daily entertainment costs per day. You'll find that most RCA Victor sets even fabulous 16-inch consoles cost less than $1 a day for one year. Of course, all the years afterwards are pure gravy. Study those RCA Victor values tomorrow, and I think it's safe to say to you and all your family this very Christmas Happy Looking everyone. Margaret Darling, that song you sang a moment ago was as delightful and gracious as you are. Hey Ms. Truman, I didn't know you sang like that. Say you got a nice set of pipes. Look, I'm playing at the clope of cabana now and I can put in a good word for you. Phil, no. What's the matter with the clope all of a sudden? It's a good job. Ms. Truman, I can get you the same deal I got. I get 50% of all the glazed from the place. Glazed fruit? Yeah, I got a smart manager. He wanted to give me 50% of all the money from the liquor sales. Now with my manager, boy, glazed fruits. Pardon me, Mr. Silver, will you yield? Go away, Paige. You're ruining my filibuster. But the gentleman from the Copa Cabana, you must yield. I am ready to start with Ms. Truman's discussion program sponsored by the Board of Education. Oh, please do, Fred. I don't know if I'll be able to handle a discussion program. Oh, it's easy, darling. I'll show you. You just watch me and do whatever I do. You can do that, can't you, dear? Well, if it was good enough for Betty Davis, it's good enough for me. Isn't she sweet? Go on, Fred, on with the program. Well, after Margaret finishes her song, we have a commercial, something like this. This program is brought to you each week by the Board of Education and by the thousands of wonderful school teachers barely living in your community. Friends, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Come to school. Get a little knowledge. Live dangerously. The schools of America are training grounds for the future. If you want to train for a military career, go to West Point. If you want to train for a naval career, go to Annapolis. If you want to train for a scientific career, go to Carnegie Tech. If you want to train for Chicago, go to Grand Central Station. Now, back to our discussion program and Miss Margaret Truman. Good evening, everyone. No, no, no, darling, this is an afternoon show. Good afternoon, everyone. No, no, no, darling, not everyone. It's good afternoon, darlings. I'll show you. This is murder, isn't it? Now, listen to this. Here's where you do it, darling. Welcome to our discussion program. Who was to discuss that problem on this open forum? You see, darling, it's very easy. Thank you, Tallulah. Good afternoon, darlings. No, no, darling, you don't have to do that. I've already done it. I should have made a deal for the glazed fruit. Now you should talk to the first dignitary whose problem you're going to discuss. Our first dignitary... That's not quite right, darling. I'll show you. I'm from Missouri, but you don't have to show me that much. Isn't she sweet? You see, darling, you must tell the people that this is an open forum discussion and anyone can say whatever he wants. Yes, anyone but me. Oh, darling, that's a very funny joke. Well, I think... pardon me, but I really think Ms. Truman is right. You ought to start the program off with a good joke. No, Joan, this is a program in which we discuss problems. Well, I got a problem with this joke. You see, darling, I've been telling this joke for a long time and everybody's been taking it from me and telling it in different ways and I want to know how I can stop them. Well, that's a legitimate problem. Tell your joke, Joan. Well, it's the story of a man who went into a grocery store and said, how much are your tomatoes? And he said 30 cents a pound. And the man said, the grocer across the street only charges 20 cents a pound. And the grocer said, well, why don't you go across the street and buy them for 20 cents? And the man said, they're all out of tomatoes across the street. And the grocer said, if I was out of tomatoes, I'd only charge 20 cents also. Wait, have I got a problem, huh? Well, thanks. You've been a swell bunch of seeds. If that's your problem, darling, you have no problem. Anybody who takes that joke deserves it. Well, hi-ho. It's time for another commercial. Friends, send your children to the schools of America. Remember, if you don't know how to enter into the schools of America, remember, there is an American flag over every schoolhouse. No other country can make that statement. And remember, in American schools, the janitors, the groundkeepers, and the plumbers all agree that they are the highest paid in the world. No school teacher can make that statement. Parents, parents, does your child say I ain't got? Well, get her some. Oh, thank you, darling, and now... Excuse me, Tallulah. I think he said Miss Truman. Oh, yes, so he did, didn't he? Well, all you have to say, darling, is that our next guest is Mr. Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Ambassador from Vosnia, who has come to America with a special problem concerning his country. Hello, Mr. Fairbanks. You are the Ambassador from Vosnia? Well, not exactly. You see, when Vosnia is divided into two parts, upper Vosnia and lower Vosnia. I am from lower Vosnia. And where exactly is lower Vosnia? Just underneath upper Vosnia. That's a neat arrangement. And what is your mission here, Ambassador? Well, you see, we are an impoverished country. We need money, but we have a problem. We are too small for the Marshall Plan and too large for the Morris Plan. Well, how do you expect to get money here? I had hoped to get on one of your quiz programs. Oh, I see. And what do you need the money for? Well, we need money to modernize our army so that we can live in peace. How large an army do you have? Well, let me see. There is Gustav, Johann, Meier. No, no, no, Meier, he is our navy. Oh, don't you have any source of income in Vosnia? Well, we do a fairly large import-export business. Last year, my country imported from the United States alone four ash trays, two three-way lamps, or was it three two-way lamps? And four electric blankets. But we had to return the electric blankets. No, why was that? Wrong current. Oh, I see. No, DC. Now, wait a minute. That was my joke. I'm sorry, that joke was one of our imports. And what do you export, sir? Only one thing. Plybos. Plybos? And even with Plybos, we are having trouble. You see, in lower Vosnia we charge 30 cents a pound for Plybos. In upper Vosnia charges only 20 cents a pound. Well, how can Upper Vosnia afford to undersell you? Because they are out of Plybos. Yes, and if you were out of them you would charge 20 cents too. That is correct. Tell me, Ambassador, just exactly what are Plybos. Cucumbers. Well, good. For a minute I thought it was going to tell my tomato joke. That was a very, very interesting problem, Mr. Fairbanks. Now, Margaret you should thank Mr. Fairbanks. You mean you're actually going to let me say something? It's your program. Just say thanks. All right. Mr. Fairbanks, I want to thank you for coming on our program. And your problem has touched me deeply. And I want to assure you that we will give it the utmost consideration and please take with you our hopes for a successful solution to your country's problem. Thank you for coming over. Thanks very much. Thanks a million. What a ham. Next guest on our open discussion program How about you, Phil Silver? Well, as long as everybody else is beefing I got something I'd like to say, but I don't suppose anybody would be interested. I suppose not, darling. Who's next? Wait, wait, wait. That's my trouble. Everybody takes me literally. Like a few years ago when I decided to go into pictures I told my agent to get me a contract with Fox. So he got me a contract with Fox. 20th Century Fox? No, IJ Fox. I should have known when the guy came over to me Persian hair. And a cold nose. Funny, funny. Well, you may or you may not have seen me in pictures which is of no consequence because I always play the same part. My name is always Blinky and I'm always a friend of the hero. I love the hero in the picture. His problems become my problems. I'm usually in musical pictures. Technical musical pictures. Everybody's happy in the picture. That is everybody but me. Because always in the beginning of the picture, the heroine usually played by Betty Grable has a fight with the hero usually played by John Payne and he walks out on her leaving me alone with Grable. Which is not exactly a bad situation along with Grable. You see I come from a neighborhood in Brooklyn I know what to do in a situation like this. But do I get a chance to show Grable I'm able? Do I get a chance to show Betty I'm ready? No. I got to go looking for him. And where do the heroes go when they're carrying the torch in these pictures? Always the same place. The barbaric coast. Once I'd like to see a guy go to Lindy's I got to have a sandwich while I'm looking for him. Well that's the use of talking about it. Let me show you a scene from this type picture usually called Hello Something Hello. Well when I finally find the hero he's at the bar and I walk up to him and I say John I've been looking all over for you. You remember me Blinky? John I got the stuff in a car that's my opening line in every picture. I got the stuff in a car. What stuff I've never been able to find out. But if he wants it I got it. John I say John come back to that girl Betty. She loves you. She misses you. Why she hasn't slept the wink since you left. How could she you took the mattress John? Why do you hit me John? One lousy jokie hit Blinky? Go on back to that girl. Yes I love her too but after all finders keepers losers reapers this later becomes the hit song of the picture which they don't let me sing. No no John no don't say goodbye just go it'll be easier this way. I'll take care of the check. Well I take care of so many of the heroes checks by the picture. He saved enough money to marry Betty and they go away on their honeymoon and now from the first time in the picture he doesn't need me. Then there's another type picture it's called the college musical. For this they usually use people under contract. It's cheaper that way easier on the budget and that's why you see Walter Pigeon as a freshman Marjorie Mayn as a co-ed and I'm still Blinky. Friendly heroes. Let me show you a scene from Hello College Days Hello Given the axe given the axe rickety rickety rickety rickety racks. Yay team I'm too old for this. Hello boys and girls where's my old friend John who is the star closer back of the gene. What? He's been thrown off the gene for giving away the signals to the rival coach. Oh mercy Where is he? Blacked himself in his room. Well I better go and get John! John, open the door, John. It's me, Blinky. John! We only got three minutes for the... I got the stuff in a car! Come on, John. Betty knows you're not guilty. She told everybody she saw you in the chemistry class when you were mixing the Bunsen burner with the X-24 formula, which came out blue. And then Zelda was there. Zelda came with Rodney, the dean's son, and they saw you and they came out and Zelda said, Did you see John? And Betty says, Yes, I saw him, Zelda. And Zelda says, But I saw him. You like this plot? John, open the door. John, remember the old college bird. Give him the X, give him the X. Rigiddy, rigiddy, rigiddy, rex. Yay, thief! You've got to be a football hero. To get your language up to you, little girl. Come on, John. I got the stuff in the car, John. Open the door. John, why don't he answer me? Oh, I forgot. In this picture, the hero is Dan Daly. Don't wonder he'd answer me. Dan, Dan, you've got to be a football hero. Rigiddy, rigiddy, rigiddy, rigiddy, rex. 18. And then there's another tight picture, an epic. For this picture they send 500 technicians to dark as Africa. They hire big writers, big actors, everything's on a high plane, lots of changes. But I'm still blinky. Let me show you a scene from Hello, King Solomon's Mines, Hello. Lost. Lost in the jungle. The intense heat. Marooned. Marona, marooned. Come along here. On the double here, you native boys. Quickly. Come here, boy. Have you seen a tall man? I've been looking around for 19 months. My goodness, there he is. My friend John. John, at last I found you. You remember me? Kind of blinky. Come on, John. They know you didn't do the crime because Zelda told the police. Zelda was the producer's wife. She likes a name mentioned in everything. Come on, John. Don't be a fool. I came here to rescue you. No, go back, John. Go. Listen, I got this stuff in a safari, John. Come on, John. Go back to Betty, who loves you. No. Don't say goodbye, John. It'll be easier this way. Just go. Go, John. What have I got to look forward to? What's to become of me? I'm always a friend of the heroes. Always the hero's friend. The pictures are, as usual, designed to please the masses. The girls keep playing hard to get. The boys keep making passes. And I have to stand there watching them while they steam up my glasses. Where will this frustration end? I'm always the hero. I got this stuff in a car. I'll see you in a little bit. Put the word in. Go ahead, Bob, darling. This is Bob Hope. Can we steal a second? Say, Bob, did you notice there's a new Chesterfield poster of you around town? Yeah, I saw one in a drugstore the other day. I'm dressed up as Santa Claus. And you're holding a carton of Chesterfields with a picture of being, you know who, dressed up as Santa Claus. And you're saying, for Christmas gifts, here's the answer. Yep, Crosby for Christmas. Bob, seriously, why did they make Crosby pop a Santa Claus in the Christmas carton instead of you? Well, high by tradition, Santa Claus is an old man. Always carrying a sack full. Well, in all fairness to Bing, Bob, I must say it's a very attractive gift. And it's packed with 200 of those always milder Chesterfields, which make as fine a gift as anyone could give or anyone could get. And folks, if you want to prove that just for yourself, make that Chesterfield mildness test. Open them, smell them, compare them, and smoke them. Chesterfield, Chesterfield always wins first place. That milder mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste. So open a pack, give them a smell. Then you'll smoke them. See you Tuesday night, folks, for Chesterfield. Well, now that Bob Hope has solved our Christmas problem, who's left? Oh, Mindy Carson, we haven't heard from you. What is your problem, darling? Oh, I have no problem. You what? Yes, I'm quite happy. My husband's getting me a mink coat for Christmas, my RCA Victor records are selling well, and last week I lost two pounds. So you see, I have no problem. I'm very happy, quite contented. How dare you be happy? Oh, Miss Bankhead, I have a problem. I'd like to enter into this discussion program. Yes, madam. Well, I wrote a special arrangement for a boing quartet. Uh-huh. A what? A boing quartet. And I thought that maybe you and Miss Truman, and Joan and Mindy would do it for me. Can you boing, Joan? Well, if I bend over once more, I think I will boing. Well, now we need a male soloist. How about you, Fred? Well, I'm the right agenda, Meredith. Splendid. You see, I've always wanted to have a glee club just like Fred wearing. You know, with a boing quartet. Could we try it with down by the old mill stream? All right, Meredith Wilson, the orchestra and chorus, the boing quartet, and our guest vocalist, Mr. Fred Allen. Darlings, I hope you get a big boing out of this. Meredith, darling, that was wonderful, wonderful fun for all of us. Didn't you enjoy it, Margaret? Oh, yes, let's do it again. Well, it's very kind of you to offer, but we don't need a piano player. Yes, Hoagy Carmichael might hear. Hoagy. Oh, to play the piano for us. Well, Margaret, we're nearing the close of our show. Is there someone special you'd like to say goodnight to? Of course, I'm trying to be delicate about it. I could give you a slight hint. Would you like to say goodnight to Washington? Oh, sure. Good night, George. Well, this is about it, folks, and try to be with us again next week. Won't you, darlings? Our guest will be Jimi Durante, Clifton Webb, Imogene Coker, Mendy Carson, Eddie Arnold, and others. Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you. Whether near or far away. Mendy. May your troubles all be small ones, and your fortunes ten times ten. Fred. May the good Lord bless and keep you, till we meet. Brims with sweet. Till we meet. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until we meet again. A victory world leader in radio and by Chesterfield. The big show is produced and directed by D. Engelbach. This is Ed Hurley. We have fun with Phil Harris and Alice Bay next on NBC.