 Hello my beautiful internet friends and welcome back. Yes, Nicholas will be joining us today. Don't look into his eyes Don't do it. Don't do it. So as you guys know, I've spent the last 11 months of my life recovering from surgeries I forget if I've even mentioned this on this channel or not before it's not something I talk a whole lot about So a few people have requested this and I wanted to talk to you guys today a little bit about recovering from surgeries While also previously in my life having had an eating disorder and how those things relate I know that some of you guys out there can relate I also know that there has been a lot of conversation in the YouTube community recently about eating disorders And I wanted to share kind of where I'm at and how having an eating disorder really affected my recovery when I was You know younger going through surgeries and how it actually still does to this day I'm obviously in a much better place than I was so dealing with an eating disorder Basically consumed my life from the time that I was 15 to like 19 But it's never completely gone away like the thoughts the actions have the behaviors have But the thoughts still remain and they still remain to this day and recovering from surgery is a time when your Routine gets really thrown off and I find that in those times those thoughts try to like claw and creep their way back in Because it's also a time when at least for me. I feel really out of control I feel like you know There's not a lot in my life that I'm in control of and so those ugly thoughts start crawling their way back in Sometimes so let's dive in as a little bit of background when I was 15 I had to have my ankle fuse. This was I think the third surgery fourth surgery Maybe that I'd had in my life and having an ankle fusion was a really big deal. I was told that I'd never be able to run again I was really active at that point in my life like being physical really mattered to me and this was a big deal It was also a really rough recovery I was on crutches for like a long time and it was really painful and right around that time right before that Surgery I developed an eating disorder really quickly and really intensely I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life I felt like like literally everything was spinning around me and I was just lost And I think I anchored myself by feeling like there was one thing that I could take care of that No one could take from me that no one could control and that was what I ate and how I ate and I developed anorexia And it consumed my life I mean like everything that I remember from that time in my life revolves around food and I was having Surgeries I was having major surgeries and I was restricting my calorie intake insanely and I consider it a huge gift that I Recovered from those surgeries like at all because you need to eat to recover like surgery takes a toll on your body And I was really not in a good place mentally and it showed people were very very concerned about me And I remember all the conversations I had with people trying to convince them that I was okay And my memories of like friendships and going to parties were all about how can I not eat and not make people concerned? Because I didn't want to worry people but also I wasn't gonna do what they asked me to do eventually long story short It kind of developed into a binging and purging eating disorder that lasted a lot longer than anorexia itself And I recovered from those things by the time I was about 19, but I kind of replaced it with insane Exercise I would exercise like all the time I eat though So like I felt like I was better in essence I don't think it was really until my mid-20s that I kind of pretty much recovered from all of the unhealthy mindsets I had around food and exercise, but I don't know if this is actually true or not But I kind of feel like those are things that never go away entirely Every now and then the thoughts of like you should just really restrict what you're eating Cre back it and I'll have like guilt if I eat too much all of that stuff still exists I just don't act on it. I just know where to put it in my head Right, but having surgery and major surgery is a time where your routine is totally off Things can feel like they're spinning out of control around you. And so I feel like those times I'm vulnerable to disordered thinking again So I'm making this video because a few of you guys asked me to talk about this But also a couple nights ago. I couldn't sleep I have come off one of my really heavy medications post surgery and that was actually allowing me to sleep And now I'm sort of back in this state where my sleep schedule is totally thrown off I'm having a very difficult time sleeping because of pain and anxiety and just all the normal stuff and it was about 3 a.m. And I had a small piece of dark chocolate I have this like container of food that sits by me in an ottoman Someone sent me dark chocolate, which I absolutely love and I immediately felt guilty for that because I was like You're not you're not burning those calories right now. You're just gonna go to sleep Like why would you eat that like what are you doing? That's so you shouldn't have done that you should have like denied yourself that and that would have been the actual win You'd be like better if you ate less, you know That was a bad thing to do joe and I caught myself thinking all of that and was like, holy crap I ate a tiny little piece of dark chocolate and I'm treating myself in my head like I'm a criminal Like I've like done something horrible Committed some heinous crime against myself and it's that disordered thinking that creeps back in In that moment and this is the first thing that I think I would say to anyone Who has previously dealt with an eating disorder and is going through surgery because you do feel kind of stuck in out of control I think you're vulnerable At least I feel vulnerable to mental health Swipping during those times in that moment and I don't know if this would work for anyone else What I try to do is like reframe that situation as a win as like a giant f you to eating disorders And that like disordered thinking in my life And so I started like mentally congratulating myself for having a little piece of dark chocolate at 3 a.m Because that's not something I would normally do thinking how great it was that I Could do that that I was able to make that decision for myself And that I wasn't doing anything harmful to my body and that I wasn't giving into those harmful thoughts And so I I tried to like reframe it as a win for myself that I actually chose to do that And that was really helpful for me And that's what I kind of try to continue to do because when you're recovering from surgery You need to eat you you have to you have to eat and I have found at least for my body I have to eat right after surgery I think anesthesia messes with my appetite and I can't eat anything but like crackers But once that wears off I try to like consume anything someone offers me that sounds weird But like if someone's gonna bring me food or wants to treat me to something or whatever I'm like, yes, absolutely. Like for instance, I had milkshakes two nights in a row What living wild and crazy over here? But there's like a tiny piece of me that feels really guilty because I'm like, oh, I'm not working out to like work that off But finally at this point in my life, there's a bigger part of me that's like, yes, that's awesome Those are calories that I need to recover even though I mean, maybe it would have been better if I just had a massive salad, but Yeah, I had I had some more real milkshakes instead. Okay guys And it was fine throughout any kind of surgery recovery It's been really important for me to focus on what I can control and I've talked about this before But after my amputation, I made like a list of things I can still do lying down and it was a list of like 25 things I tried looking at a number of times to remind myself that I do have control in my life Even though it doesn't feel like it if I didn't focus on those things I felt even more like I was spinning out of control and giving back into disorder eating feels like an anchor Even though it's not even though it's something that's incredibly destructive that will eat your life It will consume everything Your mind your relationships your activities like It's a horrible horrendous thing But it feels like safety and other times when focusing on what I can control isn't enough sometimes I'll just distract myself if I'm like mentally I feel that guilt and that like lashing myself for eating something comes into play or starts creeping up on me I will try to just distract myself from that by watching a tv show I really like or you know drawing something or Editing a video or talking about something else or calling something like I tried to just distract my mind from it Because those are ugly powerful thoughts and I don't want them in my life anymore So distraction is one way that I've tried to get rid of them also educating myself about you know What a body needs after surgery that it's that it's okay to eat even if you aren't doing much In fact that you should eat even if you aren't doing much because your body is healing and understanding Some of like the science and some of the facts behind it has been helpful in keeping a Healthy mindset when it comes to food and exercise I'm not exercising a lot right now standing up and putting on a face of makeup for a video Honestly feels like a crossfit workout because I am sweating by the end of it and feel like I'm gonna fall over Because that's where my body is right now, but I'm still eating even though I'm not exercising And there's no reason that I should hate myself for that So the last one I would say that is really helpful for me when it comes to eating disorders anytime Whether or not I'm recovering from surgeries talking to other people I've had many many conversations with friends and therapists over the years about all of this and when it comes creeping back in I might mention it to someone. I might you know bring it up in a conversation I might ask them for help and ask them to kind of help me stay accountable to actually eating things I absolutely know that I could be eating better right now. Like that's 100 accurate So many years of my life have been focused around food And exercise isn't in an unhealthy way that I'm tired of it I try to simply do the basics to take care of myself and not make it more complicated than that Because otherwise I make it a lot more complicated than that and the harmful thoughts start creeping back in So how about you? Have you ever struggled with an eating disorder? It's something that you have found a way to recover from it is a horrible horrible foe to fight And it takes a lot to get through what has recovering from surgery been like for you guys when it comes to food and exercise Do you struggle with that? Like I do do you try to just forget about it? Like I do let me know what you think down below a huge Thank you to my patrons as always for supporting me and my channel and believing in what I do I truly appreciate you and thank you so much watching this video for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me You could be anywhere in the world doing anything You could be you know hanging out with a short list Nicholas Cage for all I know But you chose to spend it here with me watching this video. Sorry. Appreciate that. Thanks for watching guys I love you. I'm thinking of you and I'll see you in the next video. Bye guys