 who you are. That's when you're happy. So what I noticed today, it's like, you know, asking to be, asking to be shown how to surrender. But all I could do was just walk around the park and like not think about anything, not think about what I had to do or what I should be doing, but just pray for a willingness to just like let go. Then I could have some sense of that. And then my mind says, but you can't just walk through the park all day. People to meet, duties, obligations, sleep to be had. See, it's the thing, the whole thing is constructed. I mean, when you're talking about the guilt, even the financial responsibilities and everything, it's as if as soon as I fall asleep and I believe I'm a person that there's a reciprocity comes in. You know, that's part of a marriage or part of a relationship in this world is you've got to keep your end of the bargain up. I mean, that's not a successful relationship. That is, is a sad relationship if one person doesn't seem to keep up their end of the bargain. So there's obviously reciprocity involved in this, of like even holding up an end of the bargain or staying on your end of the teacher totter and not just jumping off so the other person goes crashing down the other end. That whole construct has to be questioned. I mean, that's, is we've gone into things deeper and deeper with Rhonda. If I believe that, that my sustenance is tied in with money, which is one thing, which is a great replacement for I am sustained by the love of God to I am sustained by green paper strips and they feed me, they close me, they shelter me still all within the body framework. You see the sleeping mind says I'm a body and these are the things that sustain me. It it thinks as well. It's a nice thought. I am sustained by the love of God, but really these are concrete things and there are people that are sustaining me when I'm in a relationship that they're doing the job. It has to stay down the weekend because we're all going to. And where's this whole world going to go if, if everybody starts being peaceful and loving and being less ambitious and quitting striving and everything with the whole world. My mother said that this weekend. She goes, well, that's great what Dave and Beverly are doing, but if they, everybody keeps doing that, the world will end. I said, precisely, mom. She goes, well, we don't want the world to end. I said, well, you keep saying it's going down the tubes. What do we want it to continue for? Yeah, it's good to in a situation like that where I always come back to a quote from the Bible like, my kingdom is not of this world. What do you suppose Jesus was talking about walking around and keep repeating that my kingdom is not of this world? My father is not of this world. I mean that there's an idea that you can certainly come in with in this whole thing about the world ending is what if heaven is the reality and this world of pain, suffering, sickness, and death is the hallucination and the illusion. What about that, you know? But there are real people. You know, it's like, I have to start from my own mind. I have to start to say if there's something beyond this world, then I want to experience it. I'm not going to try to hold on to this thing over and over. I mean, if you just follow it down, it just starts to click in and make sense. That's making sense. But my mind is still saying, you're right, Christy, you cannot walk through the woods all day. If you walk through the woods all day and you get in line with the Holy Spirit, you'll keep walking and walking and walking and pretty soon your landlord's going to take your apartment and you'll be sleeping in the woods. And that's okay if you want to sleep in the woods and eat the berries off the trees. That's all right. Is that okay with you? That's where I'm at. That's not okay with me right now. I don't want to sleep in the woods. I can't even conceive of going down to the trailer and not being able to take a dump in the morning without my toilet. I mean, it's not appealing right now. So it's like I'm jumping on a rung of a ladder that I'm not ready for. So as we're talking and you're saying this, I see it, which is why I'm here. I do want that. But I'm certainly not ready for it. I'm not ready to walk in the woods and let everything fall away from me and using it as a metaphor. Certainly I had those questions. And one of the things that I get to just observe is, well, what happens is I get to remember the times when I have felt very trusting of the Holy Spirit. And it seems like everything flows. There is no sacrifice and things work out far better than I could imagine. So I don't know if this is backwards thinking, but I have to... This is probably backwards thinking. A thought that came to me was that the Holy Spirit is giving me these opportunities to really begin to discern and think about and make some choices that I can't always depend on feeling good to live a spiritual life, that I have to be able to look at some of this stuff in the teeth and start using what I'm learning and saying, okay, with the power of the Holy Spirit, I have the power to make a decision here. And I can say, I'm going to run with this thinking or I'm going to go with some different thoughts that I'm learning and try them on. And just say, you know, to the ego, go. And I sense that from our session over this past weekend, in the sessions that we keep going on, it's just a questioning. You've been involved with Lenedor and Rebirthing and you started to question that, you know, dues for that. You know, it's just like you start to take the things of your life that seem to be still concrete realities and you start to just look at them and ask the question, what is this for? I mean, that's all I've done my whole life is keep raising things up. I just don't, didn't feel comfortable being a robot and just like I was playing a part and just doing what I was supposed to do when, who says what I'm supposed to do, you know? Do professors say one thing? Parents say one thing? Friends give advice? Other friends give other advice? Oh, come on. You know, there's got to be some meaning here. I'm not just going to be this shadow that's just going to dance around. I'll dance for you. I'll dance for you a little. What do you want? I'll dance for you. You know, that's when I felt like a pinball. That's when I felt like I was just bouncing around with no direction. And to turn it around, for my whole life has been just questioning everything. And when I travel the country, these are the same things. I mean, I'll hear the circumstance kind of things where, oh my gosh, I would give anything to go with you. We just got a letter in the mail today where the woman was saying, I have a daughter next fall, not this coming fall, but the next fall she's going off to college. And I'm ready to move next fall. When she's gone to college, I'm going to cut loose. I'm telling you, I'm going to cut loose like I never had before. Just like I said when I get done with my cup. Exactly. And I hear it in so many different things. Like, oh, if I didn't have this job, or that one gentleman, Mike up in Jackson, who, after we had gone into these ideas real deeply at night, one night, you know, a few of us were sitting around afterwards and he went to Beverly. You? I like. I can handle her. I forget exactly how he went. And then he looked over at me and he went, you. He said, I feel like drop everything and just follow where you're going. Because it was like, it was just, all we did that night was just trace the ideas, real one after another. And they started to sound, they just sound so good. It's like, yes, of course this is the way it has to be. Jesus is thinking as much as the ego resisted. I mean, it's like, it's just as solid all the way through. There's a part in our mind that knows that, even though the ego is terrified of it. And it seems like, too, it seems like, well, there's that belief that life has to be suffering. It couldn't possibly be that good. It couldn't possibly be that things would click in and it would be taken care of, so to speak, in all these different ways. And that it would work so smoothly without all the effort and struggle. Because all of the past conditioning has said that the only way that it seems to work smooth sometimes is when you put an enormous amount of effort and struggle into it. No pain, no gain. Yeah, that's a good one and everything. But it's like, it's just the experience. And also for me, it's been the thing like with, you're saying with Steve and the kids and with certain friends and so on and so forth. What I couldn't see at the time was I couldn't see all of these people that would seem to come in my life that I would meet along the journey. I could only project a vacuum. I could only project, this is what I've got now. And Jesus, oh, the future is a long road and friends are hard to come by in this world. It takes a long time to build up relationships and this and that. And if I turn and follow you, I don't see anybody. I don't see those faces. In fact, your ideas, Jesus, are so radical that out of 100,000 people I run into 999,999. Don't believe them. I'm looking for support in what you're doing. From 99.5% of the people out there, you're not going to get what you're looking for. If you want that support, then, you know, I know for myself, it's because I really still feel like 99.5%, so I'm looking for their support. Yet I'm going a different direction and I'm not going to feel that support. So this is what I was wanting to convey earlier about the wisdom of being with people who know these ideas and talking about them. And when we're not, what I sense is that all there is to do is to live it and be it and feel the joining with the Spirit and extend love and peace in listening. I should also share just to give you a peek, this can be comforting. Before I came here, I'm sitting there and I'm sitting at this square card table that's got these stacks and stacks of papers and letters. And these are from, I would say, most people would consider them advanced teachers of God. And these are people who have left all the things in the world that the world would consider valuable. I mean, every one of them that I looked at, I mean, I must say, I don't know how many different people there were, maybe nine, ten different people. And most everyone, there was a letter, a little bitty one from Ken Wopnick there who still is married, still has a house, foundation, so on and so forth. But the vast majority of them are like have left family, home, jobs, go on with anything else you want to fill in. And you can tell from their letters they're still trying to come to that clarity that it's like, as I was telling Rhonda, this isn't the end of the journey, this is the beginning, because it comes back to our thoughts that as people have tried to do for centuries, leave this behind, leave this institution, leave this family, never be a householder again, never do this again. You know, big deal, so you end up walking out to a park and if you still have the thoughts that there's a reality to the world and there's still things attractive in the world, we haven't left a thing. And that's what these people are starting to come to see. I mean, they've gone to certain places to listen to awakened minds and gurus and this and this and this, thinking, and even saying, I have left the world and yet as they continue on in their writing after they say I have left the world, there's still some questions and still some confusion and we did a session the other day with Beverly and I and I was saying, have, can you say that you've left the world if you still have questions and confusions? The whole thing came up around that too, of the identity confusion to say I have left the world assumes I was in the world and who is the I that can be in the world? If I'm a mind, a mind doesn't leave the world, a mind is never a part of a world or in a world or of a world. A mind has a shift in the way it perceives it. Right, a mind can have a shift in how it perceives the world but actually the world is in the mind. The mind's not in the world.