 The Made Milwaukee Famous presents The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good evening, this is Ronald Coleman. And Benita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College. As the guests of our sponsors, the Brewers of Schlitzbeer. The Taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitzbeer first in sales in the USA. If you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. The first few weeks of every new college season more or less resemble a shakedown trip on a newly launched cruiser. Faculty and students must learn their battle stations. Also, it's a good thing to know how to approach the big guns. And for the big guns to clear their sights. The biggest gun at Ivy College, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president, is just finishing lunch at home with Victoria Hall, his wife, former ornament of the London State. Why are you not through? Are you hardly at a thing? Oh, I'd hardly say that my darling. I think I can sustain myself till dinner time. I've had tomato juice, an omelette, a salad, and two and a half cups of coffee. Well, I know, but no cheese on the omelette, no sugar in the coffee. It's just bulk, no energy. Look, I've got a nice chocolate cake. No, no, no, no, no, please. Now, not that I scorn your chocolate cake, but this morning's attempt, and I must admit failure, to touch my piggy-wiggies with my paddy-watties was a stern warning. And may I add, darling, that your omelette was a culinary triumph. Whenever I essayed an omelette, it came out of the pan like a thin lethargic child getting out of bed to go to school. How do you make them so light? Well, it's a secret recipe, except that it requires half a pint of helium. Well, um, how was your morning? Well, there's a rumor around the campus that a quiz kid is at last. Oh, really? Has he got a sponsor? I don't know, but a rash of odd, tricky, and embarrassing questions has broken out. Professor Underhill, for instance, was checking a query that Professor Sterling couldn't answer, which had been posed by somebody else, and so on down the line. For what? Why does the North Magnetic Pole move around? Maybe to keep warm way up north there like that. I didn't know it did. Why does it? It just does, that all, and that's a question to which there is no other answer at the moment. Of course, there are other questions which require sensible answers, such as, why don't fish drink water? Not even a sensible question, they do. I've watched them, they swim underwater and open and close their mouths all the time. They have to drink water whether they want to or not. That's not drinking, they keep that breathing. The fish opens his mouth to pass water through the gills to obtain oxygen. Very little, if any, passes into his stomach. Oh, well in other words, if you drink like a fish, you're not really drinking at all. I suppose the poor fish would ask a question like that in the first place. I don't know, but for some of the questions, they're real challenges. Simple ones that you'll hear all the time and take the answers for granted. Well, I'm pleased to learn that the spirit of interrogation is alive on the campus. Our mental classes can become so cluttered that we forget to ask ourselves why. Why the sky is blue, the grass is green. Why we're here and where we're going and what we are and who. And who is who? Who do you think? I don't know, but I wish we could answer all our questions by simply turning a door knob. Dr. Hall? Yes. I was told I could find you here at your home and since this is a pressing matter, my name is Yates, Addison Yates. Oh. I'd like to speak to you. Come in, Mr. Yates. Thank you. This must be kept confidential, of course. This is Mrs. Hall, Mr. Yates. Mrs. Hall, how do you do? Mr. Yates, why don't you sit down? Yes, thank you. I'm going to be frank with you, Dr. Hall, but it must not go any further. It's difficult to go further with something which hasn't yet started, Mr. Yates. Have you a son or a daughter here at Ivy's? No, a mother. And something must be done about her. Your mother? My mother. I've tried my very best to cope with her, but I seem to have failed. Dr. Hall, I want you to get rid of my mother. Really? Oh, there's a rather sinister ring, Mr. Yates. You wish me to use fair means or foul? Please, it's not an amusing situation to me at least. I'm trying to identify your mother. Her name is Felicia Yates. Felicia Yates. Victoria, do you... No, no, I'm sorry. Unless she's the new house mother over at Kydell. She is not a house mother, she is my mother. And a student. Oh, it's ridiculous. Why, mother's been living with Genevieve and myself for years. She loves our children. It's been an ideal family unit. Then suddenly she announces that she's leaving us to go to college at her age. Mr. Yates, I can't quite understand your perturbation. Advancing years do not necessarily indicate a receding mentality. But she's a grandmother, she's not a co-ed. If she's a female, going to a co-educational college, if she's a co-ed, then she's 106. Face it, Mr. Yates. I won't quibble about nomenclature. The fact remains that the whole thing is ridiculous. Why, think of the newspaper stories when it leaks out. Date bait at 78. Or five-better grammar. Pictures in the headlines. And the worst part of it is you probably love every bit of it. I'm beginning to admire this lady more by the minute. What do you want me to do? Send her home. You're the president. Well, even so, I haven't the power to reject or expel anyone without proper cause. If your mother is already enrolled as a student here, she must have had the necessary credentials in a past the entrance examination. I was hoping you'd cooperate with me in putting an end to this classical idea. Well, I'm tremendously disappointed. Good day, sir. Good day. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Yates. Never was I so pleased to see you disappoint anyone, darling. I'm struggling against giving in to her first impression, especially when it was so unmistakably unfavorable. Yeah. Give up. He was awful. So afraid people would laugh at him. Well, they probably will, starting with me. Yeah. Toddy, lift in to his mother and give her a rousing welcome to Ivy. Very good idea. Yeah. We'll salute the errant mother who abandoned son, grandchildren and security, and do everything to encourage her delinquency. We'll give added support to the old observation that just because there is a little snow on the roof, it doesn't mean the fire is out in the house. Hello, down, Mrs. Yates. Dr. Hall, there I did. Thank you, Mrs. Hall. He was very sweet of Dr. Hall to invite me here. I've always admired him, and you too, my dear. Me? Oh, I knew he was Victoria Cromwell. It seems only yesterday that I visited London and saw you in a musical called Much obliged, my lady. Much obliged, my lady. Well, it only lasted three weeks. It was a dreadful little play. The critic suggested we change the title from Much obliged, my lady, to don't mention it. Well, I thought you were lovely. Tell me, why did you leave the stage? Dr. Hall? Oh, that's a very good answer, my dear. Brief but adequate. Yeah, well, there wasn't any question. Until I asked. Well, I never could with this. Yes, I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. Why? Why? Waiting is very restful, Dr. Hall. People should learn how to wait. I know that punctuality is supposed to be a virtue. But why? Well, it's usually expeditious to be punctual when it means to be prompt. But if we are merely being punctilious to follow the fine points of etiquette and ceremony and for no other reason, then of course we can become a slave to time. Well, since you have such a sensible approach to the matter of time, Dr. Hall, why do you have classroom buzzers buzzing at such arbitrary intervals? Arbitrary intervals. Yes, let the individual instructors wing their buzzers when they reach a dull spot or finish what they have to say. As it is, they always buzz right in the most interesting places or else they fail to buzz while the professor fills out the hour with senseless chatter. Well, of course, a beautiful problem of asking all the instructors to be interesting for the same length of time. It's an interesting suggestion, Mrs. Yates, but you are picturing some ideal institution of learning in which the eager mind is untrammeled by the restrictions of the club in which a passage from Shakespeare or James takes precedence over the passage of time. It's an attractive conception, I must say. People talk about killing time. It's time that kills people. I don't want a clock winding me up. When you feel like striking twelve, you want to do it even if it's only six. Certainly. The world would be a lot more sun if both hands on the clock were the same length. That's another interesting thought. Mrs. Yates, you're a refreshing freshman. May we say welcome to either. Thank you, Dr. Hall. Why do you think I chose Ivy? To see Mrs. Hall, I've heard your husband on the radio. He didn't know it, but he made up my mind for me about comedia. He started me thinking again. And it's awfully hard to think for long if you're sitting in a rocking chair. So I said to myself, Felicia, if you don't want to go off your rocker, get off. So just what you mean. Whenever I sit in one, my head begins to nod and I feel I should bring out my tatting. Only I don't know how to tat. Oh, I love it. Why I get finished a whole set of doilies for my daughter-in-law in my philosophy class. That's the only thing I got out of that course so far. Dr. Hall, don't you think a professor of philosophy should know Plato's first name? Well, of course. Uh... Plato's first name. Yes. That's how I've never thought of it before. Oh, I suppose it's one of those familiar things you forget because you've known it so long. Oh, yeah. Well, if that's true, at least five professors in this college ought to take memory courses. Not one of them. Even Professor Castle, my faculty advisor, even blushed that he was very nice to me. So have you been, and thank you for inviting me to see you. Hmm, Plato's first name. Now, what was Plato's first name? Oh, I thought it was Joe. Oh, you must be thinking he was best-known fans later, Joe it. Well, he wasn't called Joe either, because his first name was Benjamin. Well, that makes sense. He was born circa 427 and died circa 347. Oh, Circa Placo. Well, it's a very pretty name. No, no, no, no, Vicki. Circa is a Latin... You're a darling. Come on, confess you've forgotten it. Oh, it's more serious than that. I don't think I ever knew it. Why, William Todd Hunter Hall told me that the first time you kissed me, we were standing in the shadow of Plato's bust in the British Museum. Oh, I know, my darling, that I remember. But not to know his first name. Plage President of bigger busts than Plato. Folks are enthusiastic about Schlitzbeer, and just about everyone who is has his own way of expressing that enthusiasm. I take Calhoun Gaddy, who is working on his master's degree here at Ivy. Well, I bumped into Calhoun on a campus the other day. Hi there, Mr. Carpenter. Hi, Calhoun. It's the funniest thing I was thinking about you last night. Me and some of the fellas was talking about beer. Well, that's a subject dear to my heart. Oh, and mine too. Well, we was trying to decide just when a beer tastes the best. One of the boys says during the beer frame when he's bowling, another boy likes his after round the golf bat. Well, they asked me and I just couldn't say. Schlitzbeer suits me fine just any time. But for the time I appreciated what's the most happened during the war. They moved my outfit back to the rear area and gave us a choice of a shower or a hot meal or a can of Schlitz. Oh, man. Before I'd done another thing, I sat down right under the tree and enjoyed myself the best tasting beer ever. Oh, but it was good. Oh, it sure was. And get this, this is in Germany, the home of good beer. But that can of Schlitz tasted like the best beer in the world. Oh, it was just like being home again. Okay, lots of people have found that Schlitzbeer tastes best wherever they are, whatever the time. So many people in fact that Schlitz is first in sales in the USA. That well-known taste has made Schlitz the most popular beer in history. Incidentally, Cal, you and the other vets might like to know that our fighting men in Korea are getting their share of Schlitzbeer too. That's the wrong... Now, I'll return to Ivy a few days later where Dr. Hall has already spent a good deal of his lunch hour holding a telephone in one hand and his head in the other while listening to the unfortunate voice of Mr. Wellman, chairman of Ivy's Board of Governors. Naturally, I'm disturbed. Anderson Yates was one of my hot passing men, and now this unfortunate, this mother of his. Are you listening, Dr. Hall? Yes, Mr. Wellman. After all, you must respect a man's feeling, his mother, and Dr. Hall, Mr. Yates, is only thinking of his mother. Of course, I am thinking of... Did you say Dr. Hall? There's nothing, Mr. Wellman. So in my modest way, I have tried to mediate. I have explained to Mr. Yates that, of course, there are exceptions. But Mr. Wellman, I don't believe... But Mr. Wellman, waste of time, Mr. Wellman. Then let's make it... Vicki, Mr. Wellman just set a new world's record for the 100-word death. It's the most revealing conversation from your end about 15 eloquent but Mr. Wellman. Alas, Mr. Wellman won't take but for an answer. Lafair Yates grows a pace in his mind. Oh, that's not a mind. That's an outboard motor with a white moustache. Well, he suggested that I... Don't move, Victoria. I'll get it this week. Ah, Professor Castle. It's good to see you. Come in. Thank you, I will. Oh, Mrs. Hall. Professor Castle, I hear that your child psychology causes a big hit this year. Standing room only, huh? Well, that's not surprising considering the increase of young married students on the campus. They want information and advice. Yeah, Freudian interpretations of why Willi is scribbles on the bedroom wallpaper. Ha, ha, ha! That's why I'm here, Dr. Hall. I am a faculty advisor and I need advice. As a psychologist, I'm supposed to be able to understand problems of adjustment. But my field is child psychology and my present problem is not a child. Could he be a grandmother? So you've met Mrs. Yates. And I understand you don't know Plato's first name, either. Ha, ha, ha! I also couldn't give her a completely satisfactory answer to why children have two sets of teeth. Oh! Of course, I can describe the process and detail, but I can't tell her why it happens. Well, the question why, which Mrs. Yates uses promiscuously, can only be answered really in terms of faith, opinion and belief. Has anyone any beliefs about Plato's first name? Well, that's a what question, not a why. Ah, why don't you know what? It is. Ha, ha, ha! You'd be surprised how many times I've looked in the encyclopedia since Mrs. Yates has been here. Yes. That's a secret. There's an awful lot in my Britannica that doesn't know. So for me, that sounds like treason. Professor Castle, if you don't mind the perpetual quiz, what's the problem? I have a strong feeling that Mrs. Yates is disappointed in us that we haven't given her as much as she expected. As she puts it, our child's psychology course is like learning to play the piano without a piano. Ha, ha, ha! There's more to the problem than Mrs. Yates. Have you ever met her son? No, I've met him. And I gather from your lips a eyebrow that I'd better quit, or find I'm ahead. You'd met him. You'd understand why his mother's taking child psychology. Ha, ha, ha! His son is almost as interesting as the mother, Professor. She's still growing up. He's adopted age 13, even though he's a father. A childish father. A lollipopper. A lollipopper. And so, Mrs. Yates, thanks to Mr. Wellman we have a chance to prove that different points of view can often be resolved when we review them. I know that you're interested in your mother's well-being and happiness, and Mr. Wellman has informed me that you are also interested in Ivy College now. Now, it seems to me that there is no reason to fire you. I'm so delighted you asked me to drop by this afternoon, Dr. Hall, because I wanted to ask you a question. I would have been bitterly disappointed otherwise, Mrs. Yates. What is it? Dr. Hall, why is red an exciting color? Why is red? Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear. That's a political question, Willan, and I refuse to answer on the grounds of incriminating myself. Nevertheless, nevertheless, it's important to ask such questions, for if categorical statements, aesthetic or otherwise, were left unchallenged, there would be no advance in knowledge and no increase of wisdom. My father used to say that a question mark was a buttonhook which is thrust through the eyelid of ignorance to grasp the button of truth. I don't think I ever could stop asking questions, Dr. Hall. I listen to my grandchildren's questions, but I can't answer them because they're my own, too. I doubt whether the entire faculty of IVA plus John Caron, F.P.A. and Arlene Francis could do that job. Now, but they're important questions. Each child is a Columbus discovering a new world and we must at least encourage the venture. If our little Columbus's can't get any answers, the world will seem pretty flat. But I really want to have some answers for them. I thought I'd find them in child psychology, but now I'm confused. I miss something. The children. We talk about them, study them, classify them, and they're not even around to defend themselves. I'm glad you've brought this up, Mrs. Yates, because it has a direct bearing on a decision I just made. I had a long talk with your son this afternoon. Anderson. So he did come here. And that's why you've asked me to come over. Yes, he feels. You don't have to tell me how he feels. If I did best to discourage me when I first decided to come to IVA, Anderson is my own son, but in his case, I, too, doesn't mean intelligence quotient. It means incessantly quibbling. Well, I... I think you underestimated me. You see, we did reach an agreement. One of my pet projects for IVA has been the establishment of an experimental school for children along the lines of the renowned Yale Clinic of Child Development. Your son has become interested in this, so interested that he is going to make our plan an accomplished fact. You're going to have a school here for children so that we'll all know what we're talking about. Why? That's wonderful. But Anderson, you mean my son Anderson is giving money to IVA for that? Oh. I understand. So that was the price he put on my head. Oh, it's worth it. You made a fair trade, Dr. Hall, and I admire you for it. But isn't it funny? The one thing that I missed here at college is what my son is giving you to get me out. Who said anything about getting you out? Well, you should have seen your son's face when Dr. Hall described the importance of his play. I pointed out that his idea stemmed from you and that both Professor Castle and I believe that you would be indispensable as chief consultant in such a school. But Dr. Hall, I'm an old lady and a grandmother. I don't know a... Oh, dear. What have I done? Your son was as proud as punch. You thought he'd thought of it? Yes, he would be. You're both being very kind about Anderson and I'm overwhelmed by what he's done. But we must face it. Anderson is a snob. I wouldn't put it that way. I think that he has been genuinely concerned about you. That he wanted to protect you from some imaginary derision. No, I think Anderson wanted to protect himself, Dr. Hall. He's pretty high-handed, you know. But he finally gave up. Perhaps we could derive a lesson. Maybe a great many people who appear high-handed are merely trying to surrender. Toddys? Yes, my love? How you doing with Joe Plato? Or is it Mike? I hope it's Mike. Like Plato, it's nice. It wasn't either Joe or Mike. I found it. Where? It wasn't in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Or if it was, I couldn't find it. It was in every man's Encyclopedia's third edition. And now if you'll excuse me, I have some correspondence. Oh, no, you don't, bud. What, what, what? Plato, you can't leave me hanging like this if it wasn't Joe or Mike. What was it? Aristotles. Now there's a let down. Aristotles, a common name like that. Well, now that that settles, I have a question. Yes? Yes. What I've been thinking of for a whole week. Why is a plurality different from a plurality? Um... plurality. Plurality. Pack my bag, darling. I'm spending the night at the Y. I'm a starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA. Why don't you two enjoy the most popular beer in history? Next time, every time, ask for Schlitz beer. Now here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everybody. Good night from all of us. And from our sponsor the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and its thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation. Good night. Good night. We'll be seeing you next week at this same time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Mr. Wellman has played by Herbert Butterfield. Also in our cast were Jane Morgan, Joseph Kearns and Norman Fields. Tonight's script is written by Barbara and Milton Merlin and Don Quinn. Music composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe and presented to the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. We invite you to enjoy on television the Schlitz Playhouse of Stars with Helen Hayes, John Payne, Margaret Sullivan and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and Broadway. See our newspaper for time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking. Oh, we love the fall of someone that's around us.