 What's the secret to long marriage? I think one of them... Communication. I mean, people always say communication. That is from the people, yes. And I agree communication is a great tool to stay married for long. But for me, one of the greatest is not to separate your income and not to separate your expenses. I think being open about your income, your source of income, your money is one of the greatest ways to stay together. Spend it together, budget it together, bring it in together, or if one person is bringing an income, be open about it, okay? What's the secret? All right, so financial openness also known as financial transparency refers to the practice of openly sharing and discussing financial information, including income expenses, debt assets, and financial goals within a relationship or marriage. It involves being honest and forthcoming about your financial situations with your partner and engaging in open conversations about money matters. Now, while financial transparency can be an important aspect of maintaining a healthy and successful marriage, it's just one of many factors that contribute to a strong partnership. So tonight we're asking, is financial transparency a great strategy for a long-lasting marriage? Do you agree with Van Vika's summation? Please, men, let us hear what you have to say. Because I know that women did not transparent at all. Let me just, don't worry, I will help you tell us the truth. We may not have transparent, but men, let me hear what you have to say. But I'm just joking, everybody. I mean, you can join the conversation, send us an SMS or WhatsApp to 081-803-4663. You can also tweet at us at Weissure, I've come on with the hashtag Weissure. All right, so who do I start with? Let me start with Madam Oniekouzi, our teacher. Why me also? Ah, because you have to be better than in this marriage matter. So, like, literally right, do you agree with Van Vika's summation about transparency when it comes to finances? And if you do, why, if you don't, why? Well, it's as simple as ABC. It depends, actually, to be candid. I don't know. It depends. It depends on the people who are involved. Because we've seen situations whereby a man and a woman decide to have a joint account and the man cuts the money away or the woman does the same. So it depends on the two people who are involved in that relationship. I would say, yes, to a large extent, Van Vika is correct, that one should be open in that relationship about their finances. But, again, there is always a clause. It's not a straight, it's not straight. There is always a gray area when you're talking about things like this, because nothing is totally cast in stone. If you meet someone who is nice, who is honest, and who rarely cares for you and is willing to be open about his or her finances, that is good. But, again, you know, we women, we have this clause that we say, my money is my money, his money is our money. So, again, we have that problem that we feel that, okay, the man is supposed to be the one in charge of the home and we do not have to be upfront about our funds. So it still depends. I have another story about an individual who had a joint account with her husband and what the man did was that he cut it away all the money and traveled abroad. This is somebody who was being open in a relationship. And there is another story of an individual who is quite open about his finances. The woman has access to his account. She can withdraw more money from his account as much as she wants. Probably it depends if it's a blank check, I wouldn't know. But she has access to his account without any hitches. She hasn't gone away with his money. So it depends on the individuals who are involved in this relationship. Are they committed? Are they loving? Okay, so let us take a personal, you see, are you transparent with your funds? Look, we're not speaking individually. Let's be honest with ourselves. You will not put me on the spot. I have to put you on the spot because we're having a very practical conversation. Marry is not something that is like over the top of our heads, right? Are you open to your spouse about finances, like your income that you make and all of that? Osai Wame, I'm an open book. Yes. But again, I still believe in his money is our money. They are two different things. Okay. I believe in them. Whatever, call for me. And they will tell my name inside the matter. I'm not there. But let me come. It's true. His money is our money. I still believe in that because he's the man. It's as simple as that. Absolutely. Okay, let me come to you, Diola. What do you think? Do you think this strategy will truly give a long lasting relationship or marriage? Okay, so for me, I think that before you get to that point, you need to first of all say that people rarely have serious conversations and money is something people don't really talk about. Yes, we spend money, but do we really talk about money? So if we don't talk about money, everybody has their own different belief system around money. If I come from a background where my dad handles everything. I mean, we want to eat. We want to go to school. He pays all the bills. My mom, I mean, you understand, I become an adult thinking that that is the right thing to do, except I don't learn those belief systems. So sometimes when you hear people say, oh, I can't be transparent about my funds, it's not necessarily because they do not want to be transparent. It is because they have not been taught that transparency is key to. And then again, I mean, when people are talking about partnership or marriage and all that, they need to sit down and actually talk about money. What are your money goals? What is your money belief system? I come from a place where I think it is not frivolous to go abroad once a year. Holiday is important to me. It's the most. But imagine having a partner who does not believe in holidays. Now you are forced to start lying about how you got money to buy your ticket because he doesn't believe in it. What would you do? Does it make him a bad person? He doesn't. It's for just to opposite. Exactly. So you need to. So you must first of all align. You must align. You know, your vision must align. Even if you don't seem to be open, be honest about it, what your deal breakers are in terms of finances. Do you understand? And then when you address that, you now come to a point where you say, OK, I can compromise on this. I can't compromise. And then you move forward. But people just think, I mean, marriage, love is enough. Love, it doesn't. Money is. I mean, studies have shown that money is a real thing that causes marriage break up. It's a real issue. Money. Money is like, how would I say? So when you ask people what happened? They ask him. Jonathan, they can't really, because it is almost embarrassing to say that you are at loggerheads with your spouse because of money. Mary, Mary of life. I'm also learning because I can't say that I've been transparent. I've not been put in the situation. I don't even think I've had a relationship that calls for such and haven't always been with older people. And even in my, I think it took us in my parents' relationship. My dad's like 10 years older than my mom. So I've always had the dad as the head, the father figure, he provides for everything. And it was towards the hard times. I saw my mom come out and pull some things. And that's where she can say, oh, there's this land I bought. It's my sister that bought this land for me. And that's the only thing I have. But going forward, I will want to be transparent because I think it's important to have shared goals. And it's important to grow together as well. And I would like to be able to accommodate each other's excesses. So I can't say that I would also be 100% transparent because I think I'm an individual and I would like to, in our own Nigerian world, hold your own. So, yes, I believe I will still have some very much-hating funds. If someone dashes me money, I cannot go and declare that. Hello, my uncle. My dad gave me this in support of something, something, you know. So I'm a partial transparency, you know, but trust and communication is very important. So I'm on the fence. I have, like, so many incidences to share. I can't imagine. Transparency and money. You know, many years ago, I was on a breakfast show and, you know, we were a team of women. I've never been someone that is closed when it comes to information and dissemination. I am always very eager to share information and just, you know, put things out there, talk about things, even my successes and my stories and all of that. And so even with relationships, it was easy if you were around me, you could know everything that was happening inside of me. But I remember a state governor had come on our show then and, you know, of course he did, oh, we came on a Friday. So he says, oh, ladies, I've done thank God this Friday for you all and all of that. And, you know, I said, oh, thank you so much, you know, that they had given it to our boss. And that money, after doing thank God this Friday, somebody down, so we had worked him to his car, the entourage, they were already leaving, then somebody down runs back and taps me on the back and says, the governor says, I should give this to you. In my naivety and my stupidity, I'll call it now, in hindsight, and with this mindset of trying to be very open and all of that, I just took all the money and said, oh, they gave us extra money. Then later again, I now thought to myself, and I said, wait a minute, this money, they did not say give to a, because I began because he had said it in the open that they had given all of us. So I said, wait a minute, let it not be that this money was made for me and I'm trying to like, that was the beginning of my problem. So you see transparency, I believe, and it now became a thing of, oh, if the show was going to break or the show was going to be whatever, over, it was because, you know, maybe I was now being, they almost like painted me like I was being greedy and all of that. So at some point I said, you know what? And for me to, for you to come and call me a name that I know, people would take the money and share it amongst themselves, I'm not interested. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I do that, it means that, you know, they called me to not talk to me about that. If I do that, it means that, you know, I was not, I was not about team and all of that. Not as short story is that that was the beginning of a lot of challenges that I began to, you know, experience because, you know, of transparency. So I realized something in hindsight. When you want to be transparent, the most important factor for transparency is the other party. And it's, but even to marriage itself or relationship. This is friendship now I talked about or maybe groups. If the person is not mature enough to handle your success, because we all cannot be successful at the same level. Do you understand? Very, very true. The person cannot handle the fact that they gave maybe $10,000. That was the impression. What people do you think you are? Do you think they're special than anybody else? In Yoruban land, when they say they give us something, it means all of us. They said I've interpreted a lot of things for me. Like literally I was dumbfounded because that was like, I've never seen that kind of a thing before. It was a rude shock to me. But I kept quiet and I looked at it. I said, you know what? I think it was not them that was the problem. It was me. So before you say you want to hurry up, I want to go and pay my husband. If I make $10,000,000, uncle, auntie, be sure that your husband can handle $10,000,000. Because that's when they all are going to tell you that, ah, there's one bill that they want to pay. There's one this, there's another. But you see like you rightly said from when you started the conversation. If you set goals and both of you can align that this is where our financial goals will be. When we are submitting issues of like maybe monthly pool, there's a pool there. You know, we are depositing from our income. We know that, okay, this is towards our travel. This is towards our distance. It's easier that way. But you are dealing with somebody that's immature. That at every little time, the person goes into that account to pool that money, you can't run a joint account with that person. You can't do anything with that person. You have to be very honest with yourself. You know, there are some times that you want to be seen to be good. Don't be part of those people dealing with your partner with individuality. But if you don't see your wife like to shop like me, don't give me a joint account. Do you understand? If she loves to shop, it is possible that if you are not as small. I remember that when I was, yes. And yeah, when my sister, you tell me, no, that's the word. And yeah, when I was younger, you know, when my children were younger, like if you upset me like this is retail therapy. I'll just carry money. I'll just go shopping. When I finish shopping, I'll feel good with myself. But you know, when, of course, maturity then sets in. And you know, what I'm saying to you that you can't just open your mouth and be given advice from Vika to everybody. It's not everybody that needs to be transparent. Do you understand? It's not one size fit or some people cannot handle, you know. So that's why you see some mothers in those days, they will be building houses, they will not tell the husband. They will be doing so many things, they will not tell the husband because they know that if they tell the husband. The lifestyle of the husband and the state of the husband would even allow him to do certain things. Absolutely, absolutely. So for me, after that experience with him, my lifetime, I then learnt, who are? Shut your mouth. Because it's not everybody that has the capacity to handle your progress or your growth. Do you understand? I am someone that no matter how blessed you are around me, I can never look at you and feel like, why not me? No. Because I understand that principle that when it's my time, it cannot be stopped. But some other people don't. So I'm saying this to addressing transparency even amongst relationship, friendship relationship beyond even the marriage. Because you need to be very careful that that person can handle it. So I'm not going to take a break, right? I really love to hear from our men and our women. Stay with us for a while. Alright, thanks for staying with us. Now if you're just in your ladies' night out and we're discussing the topic, financial transparency, is this a great strategy to a long lasting alcoholic relationship and marriage? Now please, let's hear what you have to say. Remember, you can join the conversation, send us an SMS or WhatsApp to 0818234616. It is not ex-us, it's not Tweety. Ex-us, because I don't know what you're going to call him again. Ex-us and thread-us at Peugeot Africa. Alright, so our phone line is now open. The number I'm telling you, the number to call is 07025007749. Remember the rules, turn down the volume of whatever or just turn it off the volume of whatever it is that you're watching us from so we don't get a feedback. The number again is 07025007749. The question is are you transparent? Don't give us too much long story. Are you transparent and has it worked for you? Are you transparent with your partner and has it worked for you? My mom and my dad, they have a very beautiful relationship. When it comes to money and transparency, they are like yin and yang. My mom is almost like the money we touch life. Again, when you have to raise 10 children, I've been at nine with these. I can't remember how many. How many are we? I think we're nine. I need to count because we are nine. When you are faced with raising nine children, a lot of things, we had some financial struggles earlier on. It was a combination of serious work, pulling funds from here and there to be able to make sure that my mother hates to owe school fees. As my parents, both of them, they cannot owe school fees. They would rather starve the money. But I saw them work as a tax team. So when you have that kind of love relationship that everybody understands that, come, this is the goal. You can't be transparent with that person. But when you have a person that, I'm thinking of school fees, you're thinking of one bar, you want to go and drink or one girl, you want to go and carry with my husband. That's even when there's lack. What if in the case where there's excess? Because I was speaking with a client today and when I saw the topic and it came up and I put questions to him. So what he told me was, I mean, in the beginning, they were pretty much very transparent. But they both grew to a stage where there's more than enough sort of. So you are not necessarily monitoring to see if you take this one out. The lady, the wife is doing pretty well for herself. They have a business together, like a group business. She has her own section of the business that I can see that is growing as well as long as his own thing is growing. So I think they're in synergy, in the sense that they're both doing well. They've had two kids, he has set up trust funds for the two kids already. They're putting money there. So that is the responsibility. That little gritty of, what do you want to do? Sometimes he would tell me the other, I ask my wife, I say, where is she? Where is she going? She would just smile and look at him. She's probably not using her money for anything. And he's able to foot it. But truth be told, I'm sure if something comes up, she's ready to bring it out. A lot of women used to hide money in those days where it was because, again, polygamy. Especially when men had multiple wives. They needed to protect their children. Do you understand? Every woman would just wake up and say, she wants to hide money. It depends on what they knew it. Even my mom would say, she would tell me in her first marriage, she would say, I didn't have to do anything because he provided for the kids. She didn't have that mentality. So for her now that she's older, she's been to a second marriage. She's seen financial times. She's like, all these women, they were doing it then. But she was naive to say because she didn't need to do that. She didn't need to do it. Let me hear your thoughts. Growing up, my parents, they're also very financially transparent with each other. But there was a kick. My dad, you see, is quite generous with money. If you can have a need and you come to my dad, he would sort you out. That's my dad, you know. But how do you now, as a woman, you understand, you know that this is who your husband is. I mean, it's not like he's just training to some woman. That's not about you. So in that situation, you are forced as a woman to start learning how to hide money. So my mom would, let's not call it hide. It's not hide. Well, I mean, in the context of transparency, I'm just saying, again, you need to understand the person you're dealing with. So when we say transparencies, sometimes the flip side of it, it's not necessarily because of something bad. It's just so that you are even helping the person, protect their interests. So my dad grew to know that and he would say, so when people ask him for money, he would say, go and meet my manager. My manager would tell me if I have money or not. So when he has money, the first thing he does, he just sends it to my mom. He transfers it to my mom. And he would just say, give me an X amount of money. Let me just hold that, you understand. And that was, because literally, I can tell you there was a term we were almost at a school because of my father's generosity. Yes! My father was placed with so many people. I think people were more generous in those terms. Oh yes! Because it was a duty, you would take on your sisters, your brothers, my mom also spent in both of her money. In both of her money, taking care of her siblings. My father, his siblings' children and his siblings' children, you understand what I'm saying? So in those days, it's now that we are a lot more nuclear in our approach to family. So a lot of parents then, a lot of mothers then had to. They didn't have a choice. Because it's either we do this now to protect the interests of my own children or at the end of the day, it was a good thing. I wouldn't say that helping other people is a bad thing. But at the same time, at some point you overdo it. Because you're not even thinking about your children. I mean, even within my own immediate family, it was a thing of family, family, family. I said, uncle, you are children too. You understand? Well, let me come to you easy. Value is a crucial role. It plays a crucial role in all of this. And it's the value of both partners. The individuals that are involved in the marriage and they have the same value and they have the same goal, they are able to actually work in sync. Okay? When they do not have the same goals, or they do not believe in the same things, that is when things like what Diola talked about and Mary talked about happens, where a woman now puts some money aside. Again, there is one other problem that also happens, where women work, kind of learn from past experiences in terms of maybe somebody they knew depended on the husband for everything and they had the same account and somewhere along the line, he decided to build everything to someone else. Again, that is a case of betrayal of trust when the person now passes on and who now takes over the funds or the property, it is the family of the man. So, women of today have learned from these experiences and they would say, okay, I would want to be like ABC one, two, three kind of person. I would rather want to be dependent or sorry independent. I would rather have my money. Yes, you would know what I have, but we would run a joint account, we would not be that transparent to the extent that everything I have or own would be with him or is in his control. So, again it is so, it is quite important that the individuals that are participating in that marriage that are involved in that relationship have the same goals and they have the same values. Thank you. So, what should be a good alternative? What should be a good alternative to have a conversation? Yeah, have a conversation. A good alternative. I mean there is nothing to trivial. If we sit down to talk, we can say, okay you know what, this is how much I earn if you have that kind of a partner, you know. Okay, so we are looking at being together, we are raising a family together, okay. I am willing to put 50% of my income in XYZ together with yours. My other 50 is mine. I want to be able to have the funds to enjoy the things that I want to enjoy because at the end of the day I am also an individual. Now the problem is when you get to when you put your funds there about in a pool like that, people tend to feel like I am being pressured to spend my money in a certain way. Now that's a real pressure. You know. But you want to So every time you try to withdraw, there is a question that what it is for you have to explain what are you using it for. No. I am my own person. I have my interests, my passions. I don't want to come to you for permission or to have to explain myself. It's the same way. Okay, I'll give an example. I dated a guy once and he's an avid football person. So he has to travel to go watch a live match, you know, like that. And we're doing a project together and he said to me from day one I can't compromise on this. I can't. Even if I broke I can't. This is the one thing that makes me happy. So imagine that you end up being with that kind of a person and then he still goes on doing that and then you get angry over that. It doesn't make sense. It tell you. Exactly. And that's the problem. Now people just feel you, you, you not great. Yeah. You know, you evolved and then I don't know you anymore and all that. But there are realities. Let's talk about, okay, which school do we want our children to go to? Which hospital do we want to use? Which HMO? It's impossible. Do we want to be dining out? Do we want to be doing la vid la loca? Do we want to be Lagos big boy? Diolah. Diolah. You know that story of the story when you talk go market, not be the story when they talk combat from market. That's what you're spending now. When you go in and you say, I'm going to do all of these other things that we have backed out. At some point you just phase out just like what Mary says about the client she had, who was talking to her about how they were at first and somehow on the market they pizzled out, they started having their own money and controlling their own funds. So I think for me, I would be of the perspective that foundation foundation is crucial. How crucial is it to your family even picking on someone what are your values? Are they the same? Are you going the same way? Are you looking at the same things? Let's take a call. Sorry, let's take a call. I believe Loma from Abia States. Loma, are you transparent? Yeah. Hi, good evening. Good evening. Thank you. Your position. I will tell you people transparency cannot give love that marriage. On that you build that marriage on finances. Let me just tell us we will not start the test of time. Marriage is what you can do. You can get the whole money on it. Either it's bad for the woman. You give the bad money or you give the woman money. Maybe you should give everything you have. But if there is no real love at the end of the day it will be an effort in good reading. So, money is good but the real love does not count if there is money. So, whoever that build his or her marriage or money or the world will be transparent because I want you to know my inner heart when there is no love, it cannot end. Because that transparency you are showing that you don't win it for that person to know your inner heart that the real love is not there. It cannot make a marriage to love. So, I am happy that let there be financial transparency and let there be real love. The marriage will last. Thank you very much. Thank you. I have a comment. Good evening ladies. I am transparent to my spouse. However, with discipline I introduce a blueprint of family income and expenditure. The financial balance after expenditures will reflect without distractions regards a day. Thank you. Let's bring this home. I have too many tastes to say but you see this kind of thing is trapped. There is no solution. There is no one size. But you see in a situation where a woman is the one almost the breadwinner of the family society demands that she is transparent with her income. Just for the singular fact to give some level of to give some level of what's the word to rub off on the man's ego to say so you see women and I have seen this happen a lot after earning an income, she then carries the money and she goes to the husband and says this is my earning and to me she believes that that one let me not go as catawogo but if you do that there is a deeper problem than just that money. You need to first of all work on the confidence the esteem of your partner because the way I have come to understand this life, see what she said you were in a place where you saw the man taking care of everybody all of a sudden something happens you see the woman picks up that energy at some point I believe that there is an appointed energy that is needed to drive anything so if for instance the energy of the man has depreciated and it's now the weather taking on that energy to be able to as a man you must be confident enough to say you know what I am giving you 100% support but I think again if I can culture it's part of what is what is also breaking down this thing to now become a subject of conversation. But let me take Isi's comment and I'll come back to you Jelani Isi you have a comment allow Isi quickly just get to your comment my comment is from Dr. Oseme Oseme pardon me Dr. Oseme said in a couple chemistry value perception and emotion self interest are the antidote for long lasting a marriage override financial transparency so I think he has a total different perspective from what we are saying this one is good evening my dear beautiful sisters of what are you saying financial transparency is it a great strategy for a long lasting marriage my dear beautiful sister Jelani made mention of a challenge in financial transparency which is both parties that loggerheads with each other it happens in relationships my sister Isi said that transparency is important and it is based on trust a wife who is used to spending so much cannot have a joint account there should be discipline when having a joint account to reduce unnecessary spending there should be reasonable spending that is very necessary financial transparency should be done by choice it will not be compulsory my dear beautiful sister Isi I must commend you I love the way you speak you speak like an American or British sister welcome back I missed you my name is Daniel thank you Daniel I am going back I am just telling you I have enjoyed my weeks but thank you so much I think we can wrap up the conversation here if I had one thing to say I don't know what would that be if I had one thing to say have conversations communicate honest communication if I had one thing to say I would say foundation stick to what your goals are from day one be able to express it and have the same values so let me ask you one question if you married to a gambler where do you say anything we see you will use your destiny to gamble in the first place that is why I stated something foundation I will not be married to a gambler in the first place because I will look at it first and go with it okay so the reason I posed that question is going back to the point I had made you have to be sure of the party you are in relationship with people change people change so I cannot be a gambler overnight become a gambler and become a chronic gambler from influences you receive more money and your life shall change but you are not able to maintain your life if you don't have it in you in the first place you would not become it what if you had it in you and you were just stopping I was stopping if you have values but those values are not in sync with your financial values you have to unlearn those values first it's not all values that you pick up as a young person that are good for you as an adult we have said what we have to say we have said what we have to say before we go we are now on Spotify podcast so follow us and share please people will be sharing the link don't be watching this show alone because of us go and download Spotify download all the social media apps and share the links to people that you think this information will be helpful to them and remember to also drop your comments and invite families and friends to watch and engage with our social media posts now if you missed our very important quote for today here it is again the handling of finances is one of the major emotional battlegrounds of any marriage lack of finances is seldom the issue the root problem seems to be an unrealistic and immature view of money I think this guy really summed it nicely we will see you guys tomorrow at 8pm great conversation to you ciao