 The Aberdeen Costello Program. Time you got here, Costello. This is going to be a big night on our program. I've invited Rudy Valli to be our guest. Rudy Valli? Yep. But his program follows our program. Give me a time that he's going to be on our program, and then she's for a half hour on his own program. What's wrong with that? I think you'll be on the air for a whole hour. What's wrong with that? His nose is going to be awfully tired. Ah, nah, nah, nah, nah, Costello. But Rudy Valli does not sing through his nose. That's false. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't know he had a false nose. He hasn't got a false nose. It's the rumor that's false. The rumor is false? Certainly. Why is he taking that kind of rumor? No, no, he doesn't take, he doesn't take in rumors. Some people say that Rudy Valli sings through his nose, and I found out it was a false rumor. Oh, you mean Rudy's a ventriloquist? No, no, he's not a ventriloquist. Then why has he got a rumor singing through his nose? Costello, there's no rumor singing through his nose. When I say rumor, I don't mean a rumor like a border. The kind of rumor I mean is spreading false tales. The rumor is spreading a false tale? That's right. That I gotta see. See what? I'd like to see Valli singing through his false nose while his rumors sit there wagging his false tail. Look, Costello, for the last time I'm trying to tell you there's a false tail on Valli's nose. Oh, now he's got a tail on his nose. Costello, please. Who's he rumored with? Mickey Mouse? Will you stop talking like an idiot? Look, Adam, tell me what they... Rudy Valli's got a nose, hasn't he? Yes. And he sings through his nose, don't he? No, that's a rumor. Is that a rumor machine? No. And what is he doing in his nose? The rumor is not in his nose. The rumor is on his nose. Well, some people won't go to find a place to live. Quiet, quiet. Hey, quiet, Costello. Now, that may be Rudy Valli now. Come in. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. I am Professor Mellon here. Mellon, Eddie. And you look at two. Yeah, the pepper-styled Costello seeps right. Ah, Costello, behave yourself. What can we do for you, Professor? I, sir, am Mr. Rudy Valli's country advisor. Yes, sir, it is my duty to investigate the mentality of those whom Mr. Valli comes into contact. You see, Mr. Valli only associates with eyebrows. Eyebrows? Yes. I can see that. Your brow runs all the way back to the back of your neck. That is that beautiful head of skin. All right, all right. Please. Who's fighting this boy? Costello, please. I could say who shined him. Never mind that. Please. The lovely pilot... All right, all right, the man. That's not his fault. Just what do you have in mind? Yes. Not only bald, but bald. All right, bald, all right. He's a bald, bald... Yes, yes. He's a professor. He's a professor, yes. By the way, what do you have in mind, Professor? I have come here especially to improve Mr. Lucas' double-diction so that he will be fit to converse with Mr. Valli. Now, you, sir, I know. You're Mr. Butt-Abbitt, right? Well, if you know him, then you should know me. Oh, of course I know you. I never forget a... What is that thing? Oh, a face, of course. You see, my dear boy, you are proof positive of the Darwinian theory of evolution. And I'll prove it to you. First, an evolution came, what? The primevalu, then the omiva, then the ape, chimpanzee, orangutan, gorilla, then the fifth-cantropus erector, the neanderthal man, the java man, the philomagin man, the missing link, then you and then the human race. Abbott, I am about to plug a melon. Professor, I'm afraid that Castella resents your remarks. He's right. Abbott is absolutely right. I resemble those remarks. I resemble, my, my. What English, what English? And you expect to entertain Mr. Valley, a man of insinuous culture, the antithesis of everything you misrepresent. I resemble, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. The moment I use policy-level conversation, Mr. Castello, you commit a full pop. Why do you attempt intelligent rate-party in the extemporaneous manner when your intelligence quotient is minus mill? Sir, why don't you admit to the, why don't you admit to the status of a non-compassmentist, non-entity? That's a lie! I never seen with a bathroom door unless it's locked or unlocked or something. Mr. Castello, that is a deliberate misconception and I accentuate the positive. Why, any word of more than one syllable ruins your equilibrium. Castello, you don't even know what a syllable is, do you? Yes, sir. Do you know what a syllable is? Yes. Well, tell us, what's a syllable? I'll give you a chance to tell a syllable. What's a syllable? A syllable. A syllable. Speak quite up until it isn't yet. A syllable. Everybody knows what it is. Now you better know whether you know what it is or not. I know what it is. That's fine, go ahead and speak up. A syllable. Take your time, alright. A syllable. Don't worry yourself now. A syllable. A syllable. I said that one word at a time. I'm talking too much, ain't I? Now go ahead. Tell the boys what's a syllable. You don't mind if I get a word in here, do you? Now go ahead. I'm trying to gather you, ain't I? Alright, now what is a syllable? A syllable is a sound, right? See what I mean? Yes. A sound formed by letters of the alphabet placed in juxtaposition one to the other. Now, how many letters in the alphabet do you know? It's about the... No, there's not about. There's a definite number. How many letters in the alphabet? Thirty-five maybe. No, no, no, no, no. There are not 34. Now, for example, let's go right here. Now, the letters of the alphabet placed in juxtaposition form what? They form syllables, right? Now, how many syllables in the one syllable word? One. A two syllable word. Two. A four syllable word. Three. No, no. A four is a middle syllable. What's the middle syllable in the four syllable word? A middle syllable. The middle syllable. What is it? A middle syllable. There is no middle syllable. I'll put one there. That's the trouble with you, Mr. Castello. You see? The trouble is your enunciation, your grammatical construction. When you put the past part of the syllable in a subjunctive mood, you inadvertently split your infinitive. Now, when you split the infinitive, what happens to your predicate? You pull the predicate down so the infinitive will show. I'll tell you, my dear boy, in two words, exactly what's wrong with Luke Castello. Your reasoning capacity is infinitesimally inadequate. You're becoming more and more ridiculously in-stip at every moment in your inherent miscalculations. Together with that, you have a very irascible way of displaying before culture, ladies and gentlemen. You're in better propensity and you're as ridiculous as you think. If you cause chagrin and consolation, I may say, amongst your most ubiquitous friends, if you should happen to be possessive of a friend, which I doubt. Now, do you know what you are? Yes. What? I'm a period to a lousy conversation. Ready, ready for the wonderful arrangement of the very thought of you. Eh? Yes, I'm but Abbot, and this is my partner, Luke Castello. Oh, what's the idea of putting us behind a screen? It's made of antiseptic gauze. Mrs. Valle doesn't want to be contaminated by you two bombs. Does that guy Valle think he is? He must think he's Artemis. Artemis? What is Artemis? It's an actor spelled backwards. Castello, you're jealous of Rudy because he's a great lady's man. And by the way, I got to talk to him about that, too, Abbot. What do you mean? He's just stealing my women. Stealing your women? Yes. I don't mind him grabbing off those 18-year-old girls. When he starts fooling around with the dames over 65, he's cutting in on my territory. Nonsense, Castello. And yours, too. Rudy Valle can't help it. If women like him, he has such beautiful wavy hair. Why shouldn't he have wavy hair? He sleeps all night with his head in the Venetian blinds. You want to answer the call or not? Yes. Go ahead. All right, stand back. I think it must be Valle. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Valle's personal business manager. I am Eustace P. Dink. Dink? Dink. Did you say dink? Yes. Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink. No, hey, quiet. Quiet, quiet, Castello. Please, uh, Castello, ask Mr. Dink if he'd like a drink. Okay, I'll fix Mr. Dink a dink. I mean, a dink to drink. I mean, I'll get a drink for drink to drink. I'll bring him a sandwich. Please, gentlemen, I just came over here to leave this pale of melted butter. Mr. Valle wants you to pour the butter on the script. Pour melted butter on the script? What's the idea? Mr. Valle likes plenty of butter on his corn. Woo! Hold me back, yeah, but before I give Mr. Dink a clunk on the conch with a crunch. All right. Forget about that, Gostella, and pour the drinks. Okay, but I'll take your salt glass. No, you don't. That drink stinks. What? I said that drink stinks. Must be the cheap gin you've been using. Never mind that. Go ahead. I'll forget about the drinks and let's get down to business. I brought over Mr. Valley's head righter to put some jokes in the script. Will you step in here, CB? Hi, I am Mr. Bendy. It's a gig, man. I am Bendy. Woo-hoo-hoo! Right. It's Kistel. Yes, ma'am. Now, wait a minute, Kistel. What's the matter? You don't write jokes for Valley. Oh, yes, I do, yes, I do. I just wrote a joke this morning. Listen to this one. It's going to affect you. What's got four wheels and flies? All right, I'll ask you. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage wagon. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm killing myself. Maybe we need a trouble. Now, wait a minute, Kistel. Kistel may have some better jokes. But I know a better joke than he does. Listen, Kistel. What happened to the rat that crawled into the barrel of molasses? What happened to the rats who crawled into our barrel of molasses? That's me. Stuck the other rat, too. Love, Kistel, did you bring some jokes over for our script? Oh, yes, indeed. Now, here is one joke what Mr. Valley insists that you put in. What is the difference between an animal with long horn, a ten-carat diamond ring, and a jackass? No, now, Kistel, please, everybody knows that joke. Well, I don't know what you're talking about. What I mean, an animal with long horn is a reindeer. You guys... And a ten-carat diamond is two deer. That's right, Abbots. What about the jackass? That's you, Dio. That's just a rumor. I'm wearing a false tail. Come in. Step aside. Step aside, everybody. Mr. Valley is about to enter the studio. Everybody, prepare yourself. You, too, fat boy. What do you want me to do? Please, remove your hat and shoes, kneel down, and face the east. We've got tap doors here. And he wants you out there coming in here singing. My toes are your time. All right, all right, take it easy. My time and your time. Wait, just take it easy, Lo. My time and your time. Lo! This is better. This is better. No, now don't instill our gas. Will you two archers please take your faces in the aisles where you belong? Abbots. Thank you, fellas. Everybody wants to save you. I'm the epic right now. I'll knock the rumor right out of his nose. Castella, that's no way to talk to Rudy Valley. He came over here to help us with our program. Yes. I was led to believe I was welcome. So I cramped right over here. Why did you even pick up your room and transplant it again? I like the sound of the words XGI. We can't think about it too much at present, but it sounds good. But being an XGI will mean other things too. For example, it'll cost a bit of money. The Retail Men's Wear Association says the average XGI will have to spend some $300 just to get by during his first civilian year. There'll be furniture for your home. You'll probably want and need a new car. You may want to travel. Well, these and a dozen other items will be cropping up to hit you below the money belt. That's why it's wise to save now. Hang on to every dollar you can spare. Invest your extra cash in GI bonds or a soldier's deposit. The easy way to save is the regular monthly savings plan. See your first sergeant or company clerk and work out a savings plan to meet your rate of pay. Castella, I asked Rudy to come over here and he's an old friend of mine. Indeed I am. Well, I remember when Bud and I were barefoot boys and tan. We used to go camping together in the forest. Many is the time that we roasted ham over an open fire. I can smell the ham roasting now. Yes, you'd better step back from those hot foot lights. I love Rudy. Just how did you plan to build up our Thursday night audience? Well, between us we've got to win over every member of every family. I know that all the men will listen to you, Bud, and naturally all the women and children will listen to me. If there are any cats or dogs listening, this is Luke Castello. I don't feel that way, Castello. I've written a little play for you to do tonight in which you play the starring role. The play is called Jack and the Beanstalk. I'll be back in a few minutes with the play. Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, Rudy, isn't that the play where the goose lays the golden egg? That's right. Get your baskets ready, folks. We'll be laying them in the aisles tonight. Lovely Connie Haines sings, accentuate the positives. Gather around me, gather around, and that's what I guess with Mr. In-Between. You've got to spread to the maximum, bring an ammonium libel to walk upon the sea. They said with their eyes it could build a ladder in between. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a stirring drama entitled Jack and the Beanstalk, starring Luke Castello in the title role, assisted by Rudy Valley and Bud Adams. As Castello is the head man, he naturally gets the fat part. And let us listen to this fat head. All right, Castello. Take your place at the microphone while Rudy sets the scene. I'm very sorry if you're about to ask me to set the scene. I didn't come over here for that purpose. Castello is the star of the play, but of course, if you insist. Who's insisting? Thank you. Remember, Castello, I'm only here to help you. Now let's get on with the story. Ladies and gentlemen, once upon a time, there lived a poor old lady and her son, Jack. That's me, folks. I'm the star. That's right. Jack and his mother had no food to eat in the house, so Jack's mother said to him, Jack, my son, we have nothing to eat, and we have no money. It's just a minute. Just a minute, Rudy. Are you going to play? Are you playing a part of my mother? Of course, Castello. Anything to help you out. Oh, for a minute, I thought you were sputting into my play. Of course. Okay. Now the mother goes on to say, Jack, my son, take out a car into the city instead if we need the money. So little Jack goes touching down the road with a cow. Clump, clump, clump. Moo, moo, moo. Now, wait a minute. Are you doing a sound effects too? Certainly. I'm here to help you. I'm putting you across. You're putting me across the barrel. When do I talk? Be patient, Castello. You'll be on in a minute. Get me on while I'm still young. All right. Now as Jack touches down the road with a cow, he meets a funny old man who stops him and says, Good morning, Jack. How do you feel this fine morning? I feel... You're looking good, too. What have you got there in the end of that rope? It's a cow, eh? Pretty good toilet and cow. Reminds me of a cow I used to have. He gave buttermilk. Clump, clump. What else can a poor cow give but her milk? What kind of a cow is it, son? Don't tell me it's a dirty cow. I can tell by her license plate. I'm killing the people. And you're murdering me, too! Ah, but would you get the guy out of here? Castello, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking. This guy is more repulsive than my Uncle Artie Stebbett. Castello, Rudy is only here to help you. Now let's get back to the story. Okay. Now, my mother told me to take this cow... Please, Castello, the old man isn't through speaking. I'm sorry. I talk too much. I'm as bad as that secretary you sent over. Oh, that's all right. Now, son, let's get down to business. What we aim to do with that cow? Castello. Do what? Castello. That's it, Castello. Get your lines out. I want you to be heard. Castello! Castello! You said that line once. Castello, you said that line once. I know I did. I like the line. I may not get another one. I want a set! Ah, please, you're stopping the play. Eh, go on, Rudy. All right, son. You said you all wanted to say that cow. I have magic beans for the cow. Five beans. My mother will kill me if I only bring home five beans. Just a moment. Who's playing the part of your mother? You are. Well, if I'm your mother, am I going to kill you? No. I'm going to help you. I'm your friend. I'd like to have you for a dead cousin. Well, anyway, Jack takes the five magic beans and trudges back to his house. Clump, clump, clump. The cow goes away with the old man. Moo, moo, moo. The cow's got more lines than me. Castello, please. You be quiet. When Jack's mother discovers that he has sold the cow for five beans, she throws the beans out the window, not realizing their magic power, and then sends Jack to bed without his supper. So did you say, oh, climbs into bed? Wait a minute. Before I climb into bed, I've got to take off my shoes. One, two, three. Castello. Castello, do you wear three shoes? Yes. It's my last line. I grew another foot. However, all these people out here, they come to see me. Then the wife starts to do some acting. Right now, Castello, you wake up in the morning and look out the window. That's a nice piece of business. The magic beans your mother threw out the window have grown into a huge beanstalk that reaches up into the sky. Now, Castello, this is your big moment. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Castello will now climb the beanstalk. Oh, boy, at last I'm going to act. Here I go. Well, Castello, you don't have to read so loud. Yes, I do. I want the audience to know I'm here. Watch me climb. Castello, Castello, don't overplay it. Don't pant so loud. Look, Valley, you've stolen everything else. I ain't going to lose my pants. All right, all right. That's enough climbing, Castello. I'll give you the rest of the story very quickly. At the top of the beanstalk, you meet a big giant. I'll bet that's you. How did you get? I'm quick at those things. I'll be five full-form. Chase after you. You eat the ground, cut down the beanstalk, and I crash to the ground and they there dying. That's the best thing to happen all night. Now, all of the rest of the lines are mine. But I don't die instantly. You wouldn't. You're a stubborn type. Now, Castello, would you deprive Rudy of a few dying words? Oh, no, no, I couldn't do that. Go ahead, Rudy, give us your last words. Very well. A little sad music, please, Freddie. My time is your time. Wait a minute, will you? Will you wait a minute? I already stopped. Wait a minute. Well, what's the matter, Castello? You were right, Abbott. It sounds like the room with the false tail is holding Valley's nose. That's right. Tonight, Connie Haines sings a beautiful ballad book I'm making Believe. This is the Arm Closes Radio Service.