 So he was a military guy. I got it bad for those It's the message right here black boy. Tell me how you really feel Cuz I just want to build with you black girl. Tell me how you really feel I Want to keep it real with you. I want to live better eat better I want to love better sleep better. Yeah, I want nobody that's perfect cuz I'm not perfect I don't want anybody that has these ridiculous metrics and none of that. I just want somebody That we can like each other first and they can grow into love and they can be genuine love reciprocate of love and Loyalty and when I say loyalty, I don't mean Cheating cuz I think I have a relatively unique perspective on cheating talk about it. I think it's cheating when you emotionally When you give another woman Your emotions or you can't you have another woman catering to you and vice versa emotionally versus if it's just physical Like I would be less ups I can just go ahead and say I really don't care If I'm with somebody and they dip off every now and then if you know what I mean But it's like you be calling her when you upset That's where it's different in my eyes and I can actually say I got that perspective from my mother She kind of taught me that so and then I just like I was able to see it in my interactions in real life and and So that's not really what I mean when I say loyalty when I say loyalty, I basically mean like If I've been tripping for a while, can I still depend on you to be there? Like if I'm just going if I'm in one of my moods, are you gonna try to break up with me when you upset and It's just I think I have this I don't want to diagnose myself because I haven't spoken to anybody yet like a psychiatrist I haven't gotten into my therapy journey yet. I think I do have abandonment issues. I think I have this thing where I try to Just be extra when it comes to Certain things because I have this fear that eventually It's not gonna leave me like some you know I'm saying something something's gonna go wrong he's gonna get tired he gonna see all these baddies on Instagram and He's gonna be out and it's just that's that's that's why loyalty is so big for me Like are you gonna actually come back home? Like if I have your kid, are you gonna come back home? You know, that's a big thing for me Yeah You just gave me some much needed perspective That's the big thing for me and I just don't want it to wreak havoc in my feelings I don't want to shout at people please anymore because I'm scared that Somebody's gonna walk out the door And I don't really know how many other people Suffer from this if they didn't have a parent in their life So they didn't have a mom or you know because it can happen for guys too guys have issues who had horrible mothers or had absentee mothers And maybe that also speaks to because human beings I think we just naturally seek love and acceptance and I think we That's just in our biology and I just I gotta figure out like what's the game plan to to get in it organically And how to sustain it And how to properly show it and receive it And to just not always have the fear that something's gonna go wrong It's hard out here It's difficult. It's it's just it's so difficult and it just gets it gets worse or it gets worse and worse Because You can be attractive and you can be thick And you can get all the attention like we talked about of guys chasing you down and everything but Nine times that it's in, you know, it's about And so that's why I have the time I don't even have most of the time I don't even entertain my DMs because No, I'm not about to do that. So It's just hard, you know, I don't even know where to start I'm in a point now where I don't even want to Well, first I think I need to just take a break from dating, which is what I've been doing I don't even want to enter it another relationship because that last situation was just too much for me And that's the guy that just recently got married You called him a steam what Was what do you mean by that? There was a video I did With Tanisha talks it premiered last Tuesday and It was you know One of the things we brought up is like every girl has a guy in her phone that like if she called him was like You know what? I'm ready Steve. He would be he would run to where she was and like the guy who was So in love with her, but she just doesn't like them deep in the friends on type of thing. I don't think he was that man. Okay Yeah So he was a military guy. I got it bad for those I Be like he was He wasn't a Steve's like he He got bitches like he was a tall guy six to built muscular But you he won the Steve I actually had to put in some work for me to get his heart and I didn't get that ring but I Know I got the heart to Even to this day Mmm Okay, I don't want to I'm not gonna say no names and give I'm trying not to give away too many details, but He we started messing with each other Talking not necessarily dating like casual sex type situation situation ship Back before I had kind of come into Jiggly back before I had so he met me when I was still overweight It's still drinking at eight o'clock in the morning still, you know so I always wanted him and I always wanted to Have my feelings for him be reciprocated. I always wanted him to want me back And so even though it was just a situation ship, I was just going above beyond those Trying to try to get them right trying to do what she's supposed to do to ensure your man and It kind of worked and it didn't Well, obviously it didn't because he's married now but in the very beginning for a few months, it was just like a bunch of Just casual sex and we have fallouts then we get back on and fall out and get back on and then I Guess we had gotten in that and in between of us like falling out and stuff He would be dealing like other women and stuff like I say you got bitches Um After a while of us just going back and forth in that cycle I don't know what it was because I don't think I really Love change with time like I if we will fall out. I would see how my behavior caused that fallout or if my behavior caused that fallout and I would just kind of like tweak it to okay like You don't raise your voice and you don't like that, you know, like that type of stuff So With time months past of us just like going back and forth in that cycle He finally just came to me one day and we we started like actually dating like for the title on a dating like, you know and I met his mom and everything and I Think part of the reason it felt like most we started dating it felt like it started progressing really fast Which was what I wanted at least a lot, right? but he had me meet his mom and very soon after His lease was going up on his apartment. So we were he was looking for a new apartment and It ended up We ended up talking about like moving together which we did and I think it was then that I realized that I Did all this to get here to get this goal to get him to want me back. I wanted him And I don't know how to do this like I don't know how to how to do this. I don't know how to do this like that. It was Cool when it was casual sex because I come over when we miss each other when we needed each other We do what we do hang out do what we do and then we have our moments apart, but When you live with somebody That's when you start to see all the things you didn't notice like No, you snore is kind of loud But also I had other things like that I didn't work I didn't realize I needed to work on within myself at that time as well So I had a lot of insecurity Which didn't help with the fact that like I say he's an attractive guy And so I won't make him out to be perfect, but I can't even really say our relationship in it because of him Because I just I made life with me. So difficult And it oftentimes it really wasn't even things that he did it was stuff that I had to work on And I was just like extremely emotional and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and how to deal with them and deal with him at the same time and how to You know just kind of like move around and get out of my own way But one day we just had like a really big blow-up and it didn't help that I was drinking But we had a really big blow-up and It didn't get violent, but like I was like yelling. I was just irate. I was just like there and He just came out the room and he looked at me and he said this right here This is over. Hmm Like I don't know. It was it just That was a wake-up call for me because I had never had a guy come to me and And leave me and break up with me like it's done, you know, so And I'll say that when it originally ended I was trying to find ways that it could be his fault Like I would kept trying to because I was like, I'm a good good girl. Like it's I Didn't put my hands on him. I ain't cheat on him. Like, why would you leave me and I didn't like I didn't get that like I was talking about earlier with how you communicate with the man and the other Things that men need I didn't get that part. So I'm like You can't handle me yelling at him like Instead of understanding that that is the problem