 Our Toolbox episode this month is all about the genesis of connection. As a recap, we started with first impressions a couple months ago as our Toolbox episode. How to dress better, manage your body language, and really create that lasting first impression. We learned a lot about how indelible these first impressions are. Then last month, we dove into breaking the ice. You got that great first impression. How do we get the conversation started? Now we want to talk about how do we get the person interested enough to really create that connection? We've had some great guests on recently talking about the mindsets, the body language we need, but now we're going to dig a little deeper into the emotions that go along with this connection we're looking for. So it's important for us to understand that first impressions, conversation starters, those are all great. We're in this because we want to connect with other humans. This is why we're listening to this show. This is why we want to learn the art of charm. I also think that a lot of people have a lot of misconceptions on how to make that connection and what they can do to make that connection. So we'll put that all together for you guys today. I know a lot of us want that connection so badly. Sometimes we jump ahead and we try to force it on people who aren't ready for connection. I think that's one of the biggest mistakes. Either forcing it or just not hitting it enough, like not getting into missing the connections, missing the emotional bids as we'll discuss a little later. And on Tuesday in Bootcamp, one of my favorite moments is when we start talking about connection, I simply ask the room, what do you guys look for to connect with other people on? Inevitably, someone will blurt out similarities, commonalities, common interests. And it's a great moment because everyone's like in agreement, yes, that's it, nailed it, great job. In reality, that only gets you so far and it can actually be a hindrance to real connection because if we're only relying on commonalities and common interests, well, they can be difficult to spot from someone you're just meeting for the first time. To go along with that, one of the other ones I hear a lot is, well, we work together. Well, really, are you friends with everyone you work with? Aren't you more friends with certain people from work than others? Just because you work with them, make a cast a wide net for everyone to be close to you? It's just not the case. And we can admit that there's been coworkers of ours that we haven't been friends with. So just because you work with someone, that doesn't mean you're connected, right? A lot of times we have these force connections in our mind that we believe our connections. And a lot of times we see commonalities and common interests as that pathway to connection. But it actually is kind of fighting with one arm tied behind your back. It becomes very difficult if you're only relying on that. And obviously, this can feel very intuitive to us, right? It's like, oh, he loves this, I love this, he loves the sports team, so do I. So now we're friends, now we're connected. But it is very superficial and it doesn't actually form a connection that we're talking about here. Have you ever been in a situation where a friend of yours is trying to introduce you to somebody else who they think you'll get along swimmingly with? And then all of a sudden they're like, well, you know, this guy likes these things and you like Detroit teams as well. And you're like, yeah. Go Lions. All right. Did you see that game? Oh, we're connected. Yeah, instantly connected. I think the problem that a lot of this comes from is this concept of understanding where emotions fit into this. And I'm excited because we actually have a great study here from David Swear and his colleagues at the University of Waterloo in Canada. And this whole study originated around the idea of human connectedness and evoking these emotions that we're going to talk about in this episode. And what's fascinating about this is the study takes strangers. So it starts out with people who have no connection whatsoever. And through relying on some commonalities, you start to form the essence of a connection. And then once you have this essence of a connection where you feel that you're connected to someone, this really interesting thing happens where you share the same physiological and emotional state as someone who is a complete stranger to you. And they do this in a variety of settings, which is really interesting because you have the exercise setting, you have the memory test setting. But these effects are profound. Strangers, when they fall into the frame that we are somehow connected, will start to share these emotional and physiological states with one another. So if we think about that, there's a way in our mind here at AOC to short circuit a lot of this connection that we're talking about. And this cheat code is to just start sharing the emotional and physiological state with that person instead of relying on the commonalities or common interests, which could be a lot more difficult to achieve. And we're going to get into this and it takes time. But I want to set it up with a lyric from the Doors, which is people are strangers when you're a stranger, faces look ugly when you're alone. So it's like when you're seeing all these people for the very first time and understand there's going to be this gut reaction to not want to connect to these people because they seem odd or they seem scary. And, you know, inevitably, how many people have you met in your life that you have a great relationship with that when you first met them, you're like, I don't know about this guy or just maybe you saw something. But the actuality is just you weren't familiar. There was that that wall up. But so you just started hanging out somebody, sort of talking with somebody and all of a sudden, you know, their face lights up now they seem from foe to friend. And obviously, we're all about connection here at The Art of Charm. We want to evoke connection and help more people get connected. And we feel a strong connection with technology right now. We feel a strong draw to the online world. But we're struggling in person to connect with people, even though we may share some similarities, we may share some things in common, we still struggle. So the goal of this episode, along with that study that we were so fascinated by, is to give you more tools to connect with one another so that we're not relying on just the easiest way from point A to point B. And if that doesn't arise, then we're totally screwed. And sometimes that easy way of commonality, connection, Detroit connection doesn't exist. I've been in a room full of people from Cleveland, right? I still want to connect with them. So I don't want to rely just on the old tropes of favorite sports teams growing up the same way. There are a multitude of ways that we can connect with one another that we're going to delve into a little deeper into the story. But before we kick things off too much, I really want to talk about this idea that connection happens rapidly and I need to instantly connect with everyone in the room. Well, how many times do we get questions about? I feel like I didn't make this connection. I had this opportunity. I had this window and I blew it, you know, I had her laughing at all my jokes or, you know, I went in and I had the CEO eating out of the palm of my hands. And then I asked him for the deal or an opportunity to go have a cup of coffee and I got blown off. And so what did I do wrong? Yeah. And a lot of times, right? We're talking about this binary one or zero, like I'm either connected or I'm not. And we shared this story on a previous episode. Johnny and I weren't instantly connected. It took over a year working together to be put in a situation where we could foster that connection. So this is certainly not something that you need to beat yourself up over. If if you're running into every room demanding that you're connected with people when we start projecting that need for rapport, instant connection, that neediness actually pushes people away. You know, and I guess we'll go ahead and set this up. And I've said this on other podcasts, but it's how it's it's definitely connected what we're talking about right now, which is just because you may be doing all this work to get yourself in a place where you will be more open so that you are able to and want to connect with other people. Doesn't mean that everyone else has done that same work. And it does take work to put yourself in a place to want to put yourself out there and want to gain some connection. And what happens is because of that, some people will feel that you're forcing them to open up, which shuts them down. So this process that we're talking about takes time. And we have to be respectful of that time. And a lot of times people have been burned by previous connections and relationships, so they're bringing some baggage to the table. Right? Yeah. As we get more involved in personal development, growth, we often forget that just because we've worked through some of our baggage doesn't mean that the other person on the opposite end has worked through theirs and is ready for that connection. And you have a great analogy from class that I love around baseball, Johnny. Let's share it with the audience. Yeah, you know, everyone's always. I and I think this analogy can relate to any sports fans. I mean, any time for a guy who has this opportunity to do something, whether to make a connection or break the ice or create some attraction or or a good first impression, we tend to think about hitting a home run. That this we have. We have this one opportunity. We need to get a piece of the ball. We needed to knock it over the fence. And the reality of the situation is that it's a it's much more nuanced than that. And it's the idea of rather than focusing on the home run, we just want to focus on getting a piece of the ball so that we're playing the game and allow things to develop naturally. You know, I see a lot of this happen where people tend to think that they can cheat nature. You can't cheat nature. And in fact, that's a fool's errand. And that will that will bite you in the ass every time that you do do that. And so if we're able to focus on just getting a piece of the ball, we're able to get on first base rather than trying to get the home run. And if you would just allow the play of the game, the the runs will come in. You will be able to allow your personality show. You will be able to allow some connection and some interest to become fostered. And when we're focused on the home run, we tend to be in our heads and we tend to try to force things. And how many times as a young man, when you've played football or baseball or any of those sports of always being told by our coach to quit forcing the hit, right, let the ball come to you. Yeah, when we put ourselves in that position where we have to force it or we have to try extra hard, it gets felt by the other person. And take a step back, pause for a second. How many friends in your life right now? Were home runs the first time you met them for me? Not many. Most were base hits. Most were, you know, I kind of dug that guy a little bit. I don't know. I'm a little skeptical, but I'll give another try. We'll hang out or, you know, I'll try to see your second or third time. A lot of times because of the way mythology, books, stories, movies all operate, right? They celebrate and elevate the home run so it becomes natural. That's what we care about. That's what we focus on. But that's not actually the genesis of human relationships. And because of all the movies and books, you know, we tend to think it's not a real connection unless it does happen in that manner. And it's hard for anyone to see the work that's been built up through familiarity and duration and frequency that's right behind us. I think this comes back to I think the nice guys play that role like, well, someday she'll always she'll find out that I'm truly the one that's been there all along. And so to speak, in the realm of rapport, that happens a lot of just being there, being open, sharing these things and that duration and frequency allows people to get comfortable. Now, whether or not that can roll itself into a romantic relationship, that's a whole other. That's the hope strategy that some of us employ. And sometimes it works, but usually it doesn't work. And research is backing us up here. Yep. Professor out of the University of Kansas, Jeffrey Hall published a report where he found that it took 50 hours of interaction to move from an acquaintance to a casual friend and about 90 hours of interaction to move from a casual friend to a friend and then more than 200 hours to qualify as a best friend. It's a lot of time. That is a lot of time, which means, you know, rapport connection is not this lightning in a bottle moment that we hear about, we see and we familiarize ourselves with. It's more of a slow burn. It's more of get the stove on, get the water slowly up to a boil and let's see where this goes. That should take some of the pressure off of you as well, right? As Johnny's talking about, I'm getting a little anxious, just thinking about the next event I'm going to, right? Oh, I've got to hit a home run. I've got to be connectable. I've got to be let's connect McJohnson. And all of a sudden when that happens, right, I'm playing outside of my comfort zone. I'm not being myself. I'm doing things that are out of character. And when people pick up on that, they actually distrust you. They're not ready to connect with you. Yeah, and it's about looking at the bigger picture. You know, perhaps if you have a networking event, rather than thinking about that quick connection or how am I going to make this home run? Think about whoever is throwing that networking event on and look at all of their networking events over the next six months and think about how your presence there can build familiarity and comfort and that, oh, I've seen this guy, a couple other ones. He's an all right person. You know, I think a lot of us, you mentioned being hurt from the wrong reasons. How about the people who were able to put together a very good first impression, who's got, who are funny, who's got zingers for everything? And then, you know, the first time you meet him, like, this guy is great. This guy, he's got, he's so funny and he's witty and he's awesome and he's just put together. And then the next time you're out with him, it's like the shame, the same spill. Yeah, you see, I'm working on another person, right? And it's that single serving friend from Fight Club, right? They have that one pitch honed in, right? If you're a previous guest or in cloth, you got it honed. You practice it 10,000 times, but that's not true connection. Connection takes time. So one, that should alleviate some of the pressure, right? All right, now I know this takes time. And as the listeners here, you know, Johnny and I are all about the long game. We're all about being in this, seeing things through and not trying to rush things or rush results. So even though it seems possible to instantly connect to someone to just click, realize that as science shows, that's not reality. Most connection takes investment of time and energy in the other person to really foster it. And even though you may have had one or two opportunities to click, the bulk of your relationships up into this point, the bulk of your friendships have been that slow burn. And also like to say, when you're younger, it's easier to connect to more people and more easily. There's not a lot of experiences. Not many people have all this baggage or images party and hanging out. It's always easy to find someone who wants to get fucked up with you. But as you get older, as you get burned, as you have more experience, as you start building habits that are positive in your life, you have to be more discerning about who you're going to connect with, who you're bringing in. And it's just not possible to run into people and have that same instant connection. And what I love about the research from Dr. Hall is that, listen, there are rings of friendship and connection here, right? He's talking about acquaintance to casual friend to friend to best friend. So this also helps in those moments where you feel like someone's letting you down. You feel like someone didn't live up to your expectations. And I know this happens to me in LA. I know at times you can feel like you're more connected to someone, want something more out of them and then not get it. So what Dr. Hall is saying here is, listen, just move that person to the outer room. Right. We don't have to force them into best friend. If they're treating you as an acquaintance, then keep them in the acquaintance circle. There's nothing wrong with that. I think when we're forcing the issue, it makes everything we're about to talk about on connection a lot more difficult. Now, all that said, we have a very methodical approach to this. And Johnny, I know we put this in place moving out here to LA, not knowing very many people, giving yourself ample opportunity for these connections to form, understanding that it is a bit of a numbers game. It's not lightning in a bottle. It's not Johnny has to connect with everyone. It's Johnny has to give people more of an opportunity to connect with him. Well, you know, one of the things about moving to a new town, which a lot of you listening has has had have had the opportunity to do or perhaps will have this opportunity. And it's about reinventing yourself. And over through my life, I've had multiple opportunities to do that. I had that opportunity when I moved to North Carolina. I was a 21 year old man and that went horribly awry. I had no game plan. I just threw everything at the wall and saw what's what was going to stick. And, you know, I was 21, so it didn't really matter. At what was I 32 when I had moved to New York? I had a better idea of how I wanted to do that. But I was also moving from a very small college town, Chapel Hill, North Carolina to Metropolis, Cosmopol, New York, the Big Apple New York City, New York City. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I did some things right and some things I felt I could have done better. And, you know, as well as I do, we were all there. We made a lot of great friends and a lot of good connections, some that we still have from New York. But when I had the opportunity to do it again, coming out to LA, I looked at all the things that I didn't like about how I handled my move to New York. And one of those things was I felt that I tried a bit hard to force the issue that I need to make things happen. And I will say also at the time I was moving to New York to start this. And it was all about let's make as much noise as possible and go crazy. So there was some of that propelling me into that manner. When I'm moving to LA, we were a little bit more established. With the was the idea we were only coming out for the winter anyway. But you know how I like so took a little pressure off, right? So I'll be there six months. Here we are 11 years later. Exactly. But for myself, it was I'm going to allow my familiarity and people getting comfortable with me. And I'm going to allow that to work first rather than introduce myself, breaking the ice and then allowing people to get comfortable with me. And so I want I slowed that process down a little bit. Now, was I able to speed up things with an introduction? Yes. And I was also better at gauging where I was with certain people. And when you say you were better at gauging, where you were, you were better at reading their feelings towards you. Well, I just I knew that I pushed things in New York. So I wanted to slow that that process down and moving to LA. So it was, you know, I didn't really push hard and hanging out with people. And basically, I was go. It was that setting up the third place that we had talked about and that going there regularly, meeting staff slowly, staff starts introducing you to other people. And rather than myself doing all this work, it was allowing the room, the venue and the staff to do that for me. And that was the change in how I changed it up. So, granted, I mean, I was still putting myself out to certain people, but there was a was allowing the environment to and nature to do its course more so than I had in New York City. Yeah. And with that, I felt like, you know, our attempting to make friends in New York was very driven by FOMO going to events, chasing the fun. Well, there was that. And also we were creating this thing that hasn't been created yet. So there was a lot of emphasis. Right. Getting the word out there, right? We felt like we had to go to the events or we'd be missing an opportunity to grow the business. But you you talk about this concept of a third place. And I think a lot of listeners are probably not familiar of it. I know I wasn't familiar. Ray Oldenburg coined that phrase in his book, The Great Good Place, which is a fantastic book about how certain things of the social places that we we take for granted anymore. So in the coffee shops of the cafes and the corner dive bar, those were places where people would spend the time of not being at work and not being at home, but could hang out with the in the community, talked with each other and and, you know, just vent, just talk and connect and their social status was the same. Yes. Right. So this idea of home being first place, work being second place, that's where you're spending the bulk of your time. Third place is where we're finding community and we find that community on equal footing so we can put ourselves out there. We can be more vulnerable. We can start to form these connections. A third place for those of you who are moving to a new town or maybe have moved to a new town is very powerful. It does not have to be a bar. I know a lot of people think of third place like, AJ, I don't drink, Johnny, I don't go out to close. We're talking CrossFit Gym. We're talking your church. We're talking wherever you can spend your time on equal footing. With your peers and be that vulnerable side of yourself. That's your third place. And the main activity is going to be chatting, talking, socializing and where everyone has an opportunity to have a platform. And so but also with that platform, everyone has an opportunity to tell you you're full of shit, too, which makes it a great good place. So this idea of instead of chasing the events, moving out into LA, you started to play to let me find an environment where I could be comfortable being myself when you found that third place. What was the next step in your methodical way of trying to foster more connection with people? Well, it was it's first, the staff go on a couple of nights where it's much slower, meet everyone, say hello, introduce yourself. And but also not prying, just opening the door by introducing yourself, then allowing familiarity to follow that up. Oh, his name is John. Oh, he's been coming here the last couple of weeks. Seems like a nice guy, really nice tips. Well, and so from there, I was like, oh, well, yeah, I'd like to meet that guy. He seems pretty cool. I saw him here. Oh, yeah, you should meet him when he next time he comes in. So it's you're allowing that environment and surroundings to take do what's to do its job. And was there anything else in this approach moving out here to LA that you feel really amplified your ability to connect and build these friendships? I had the patience, you know? And I think one of the hardest things for me in growing up was to learn patience and how how important patience. Patience is. And obviously, when you're young, you want the world and you want it now. And I think we're moving into a technological world where everyone now gets everything when they want it. And I think we're losing patience. Well, yeah, there's no postmates for friends, right? You can get everything else delivered to your door. Friends are the challenge right now. And how are you supposed to develop patience when every when everything else can be handed to you on a pick up golf? There you go. Well, I've had a few lessons from you. With with that idea, though, right, going back to this at this main point, that understanding that connection takes time. And I've talked and coached numerous people through moving to a new town, both inside and outside of the boot camp and even watched my girlfriend as we move from long distance to her moving out to go through this process. And yes, it takes time. It does not move as fast as you would like. But as Johnny said, when you're allowing nature to work for you, so propinquity, becoming a familiar face, finding a third place where you can be seen and socialized is also important. And then the power of the invite, allowing other people to engage in your life by having a plan, right? So many of us, when we're looking for connection, we're looking to build friendships. We're just waiting on the other person to offer something up. Well, maybe he knows something fun to do. Maybe he knows where the next great show is. And the one thing that I always notice about you, Johnny, with your passion for music is you've always kept a pulse on what's going on musically and whatever city you're in, whether it's New York or LA. So when you have those opportunities to make a connection with someone, you're using that invite of, hey, come check the show out with me. Or, hey, come check out this new place that's opening. So you also made sure that you were prepared going into that situation. Yeah, and I always advise anyone, this goes back to the third place episode. We'll have to throw a link in the show notes for it. Which is getting in touch for what is going on in your town on a local level. And we've talked about how your new favorite DJ or new favorite comedian or new favorite band or new favorite poet is sitting there having a cup of coffee next to you and you don't even know it. And when you can get into things on that level and be able to let other people discover these things, bring other people to this, it just shows you having that pulse. And that commonality, that common interest can be the foot in the door in these situations, but it does not always guarantee that connection. So I wanna talk about what we view as the stronger frame to see connection with. The easier place for us to start instead of searching for those commonalities. And I firmly believe that we connect on emotions. Yes. Unfortunately for us, we tend to come to these situations logically, right? When we enter that conversation, we're searching for details, when, where, how, and we're only looking at that logical context with what the other person is saying. We're not paying as close attention to the emotions that are the second context to that interaction. But in that emotional state, in the emotional context, that's where all the opportunities for connection lie. Which, it's once again, it's making it harder for all of us to connect, especially when all the communication that we do through all the technology now is a who, what, when, where, that is it, and I'm guilty of it myself. I have friends who will reach out and call me to see what I'm doing. And then you text them. And I'm like, why are you calling me? Text me, where are you gonna be, what's going on, and I'll see you there. I don't need to have this conversation. I'm guilty of it, too. However, you know, I will meet you out for a beer. We will have a, we will chat, and we will, you know, build and be vulnerable and have some rapport and build this connection. But yeah, I find ways to dismiss those sorts of conversations myself. And we are not connecting on those commonalities. I laugh all the time because how often do we get the question, Johnny? All the time. Whenever we're presenting an opportunity for the business, we're in the room together, we're talking about the show we have going, people will always ask us, but wait a second, how are you guys connected? How are you guys friends, right? Because from the outside, we don't have commonalities. We don't have common interests, but here we are such strong friends. And the reason is, is the shared emotional experiences. It's playing on that emotional level. That is where the connection happens. Well, do you think if we go back up here to what Professor Jeffrey Holland said, we had put in our 200 hours together? Well, yeah, at this point, quite a few hours just putting the show together here, right? Understanding that when we start to pay attention and listen to people's emotions, we can find new pathways to connect. I have never performed on stage with a musical instrument, but I've gone on stage to give a talk. The fear on stage, that emotion rings true. Yes, it does. That fear emotion rings true when you're in a plane about to skydive for the first time, right? That walking into the unknown is a common thread that we can have on an emotional level. But if we're only focusing on the logical details, right? Then you're gonna look at me and Johnny and go, well, wait, AJ's not a rocker. How could they be friends? They have nothing in common. So we're a walking testament to this idea that we actually connect on emotions. And when we feel connected to people, odds are we are in that shared emotional state. We have found maybe a common interest and that common interest has evoked a positive emotion in us. And it's that recognition of the emotion that forms the connection. Now, when does this happen? As we heard from Jesse Itzler on our interview a couple months ago, shared experiences, going through something together with another person is a great way to connect. Certainly the overcoming of adversity. And I laugh, but our workouts are no easy picnic. They're brutal, and thanks to you, we've hired the scariest, most hardcore guy, Barry, that we could find. I wanted some cute little bubbly girl yelling at us, but you weren't dealing with that. No. And those workouts are brutal, but yet it's like half the times, like, are we gonna get through this? And from for years now, we've been accountability buddies for working out and making sure that we were in shape and being at our best health-wise. So now understanding that common interest is a way to start that social connectedness. It's a way to prime it, but it's not the only path to success with connection. We can connect much more easily on an emotional level with someone else when we're paying attention to their emotional state as they share stories with us. And going back to that initial experiment we started the show with, right? What they found is if you start to feel connected with someone, even if you're in the same room with them, this is a person you didn't know previously, you share a little bit of connection with that person, you're gonna start to feel the same emotions they're feeling. You're gonna start to feel the same physiology that they're feeling. So if they're stressed doing a memory test or they're physically stressed with an activity, you're gonna feel it through that social connectedness. And there's a lot of biological and evolutionary reasons for all that. I mean, that there's empathy, there's trying to understand what somebody's going through. There's a survival being able to help somebody out when they're in need. And, you know, one of the things people always ask me, what do I like better to live, New York or Los Angeles? You can walk into a restaurant in New York City and feel how tense and how just the anxiety and the, I don't know what it, correct, just how amped up everyone is. And it's forcing you in that manner. And so if you were laid back, it's like, why am I getting all buzzed out right now? Oh, because everyone in this room are losing their minds. Get me out of here. That's why I love L.A. It's much more relaxed, it's much more spread out. You don't get that. So all of our New York listeners, Johnny at the Art of Charm, I happen to love New York as well. I don't have a beef with either coast. We love this quote from Dr. Jack Schaefer, a recent guest on the show. The sense of closeness increases if the disclosures are emotional rather than factual. So as we start to share on this emotional level, connection is forming. So one, now we know, listening to other people's emotions to find those cues, a great way for us to start connecting. And two, if we just start sharing these emotional cues with other people, adding more color to the emotions in our stories, sharing more from the emotional level, not the logical level, we can foster more of this connection that we're looking for. Well, we talk about this in class about being able to show enthusiasm when speaking with somebody, showing that you're excited to be there. This is going to come off in them. Now they're feeling good that your presence is wanting to be there. You're not being there out of frustration. You're generally showing interest in this person and allows them then to show some interest in you. And of course, anytime that we're, we talk about in storytelling, when you are emoting, that story has to be told through emotions. And not only is it going to be through your body language, you have to physically feel the emotions that you're trying to convey for anyone in that room to fill it as well. Think of your favorite comedians. Think of some of the most emotive comedians. When they're ranting, they're in full rage mode and you're right there with them and cheering them on. And again, Dr. Schaefer nails it with our need to mirror, right? When we're starting to flip that like switch, we're mirroring each other's body language and as we move to connection, we're gonna start mirroring each other's emotions. So showcasing that enthusiasm, that excitement, those positive emotions are the easiest way to start fostering this connection. We often build connection through laughter and light-heartedness. Being silly, being playful allows us an opportunity to connect. Now, that's not to say that you can't connect on negative emotions, but I don't really think that's really where you wanna start relationships with those people, right? You don't wanna walk into the room and just throw down a bunch of negative emotions and say, okay, who can I connect with now, right? Who can I get riled up? But they do happen, right? I have football teammates that I'm close to because of shared negative experiences, losses in the playoffs, losing that homecoming game. So understanding emotion is where we're playing with here to connect. Let's take the easiest emotions to find and that's the light-hearted, the fun, the silly emotions, right? Those are the emotions that can allow people that little window into connection. Well, once again, we've found that through laughter, it's all the good chemicals are being pushed through. It's all the endorphins. It's once again, it becomes something that you start chasing and that's why we always talk about adding value and allowing people to feel good around you. And then once again, how many times have you said, it's not what you say that people are gonna remember. It's how you allow them to feel. Absolutely, and if you're feeling good, you're emoting positive emotions, they're gonna start feeling good, they're gonna start sharing those emotions and it's a great place for us to start connecting. Now, as we said at the top of the show, this research from David Sweere and his colleagues in Canada around people feeling connected will often share the same emotions and that emotions comes from the physical or the mental challenges. So in the experiment, they were stressing out your new friend, your friend that you were feeling some connection with and just being in the room with that person while they were stressed out, you started to feel that same stress. So let's think about that when we're approaching someone at a networking event. If we're stressed out, what is that person gonna start to feel? Absolutely. As we get more connected, they're gonna feel the stress even more. So we wanna make sure that we are leading with the light, fun, easy emotions and not the stress inducing emotions, the negative emotions that can work against us. So what I found really interesting about this study and the subsequent studies, when we start thinking about sharing emotions and then sharing physiology, right? That's a pretty powerful connection you can have with someone that you barely know, right? We are primed to connect. So those of us who are struggling, we're getting in our own way. As humans, human nature, these studies are showing it, that we are primed to connect even with strangers. You give us a few signals to our connection and we are ready to make it happen. Our brain, our body are wired to make it happen. So a lot of what we do at The Art of Charm is stripping away the stuff that gets in the way of science in nature doing its thing. We overanalyze, we over critique ourselves and we actually work against nature. And I know we've seen this in class, right? We start on Tuesday, everyone gets in front of the room, tells a little bit of backstory, just a little color as to how they ended up in Los Angeles. And then we end the week on Saturday with storytelling. And we set the parameters purposefully very vague. We don't start Saturday storytelling exercise saying, all right, I want you to go as deep and as dark and share your lost emotions with the group. We don't say any of that. But by Saturday, through this emotional experience that everyone's gone on in the boot camp, the stories that are shared in that room on Saturday are some of the most vulnerable, most touching, amazing, incredible stories that I've ever heard or witnessed. And I know John and I have remarked, these are stories that we never would have expected to hear from that person that we met on Tuesday. So we're seeing the science happen on a weekly basis. When we start to feel comfortable and start to share these emotions around each other, we're able to emote and go to a much more vulnerable place. Well, and not only are these stories amazing, the guys telling them will always tell us the same thing. I've never told that story to anyone ever. I know and has heard that story from, my best friends don't know that story. Well, because now you have nine new best friends. And here is the genesis of all of this connection. At the end of the week, they feel so connected to each other that we now can share these stories on a deep level. But these are literally strangers from five days before. These are not lifelong friends coming in and going on this experience together and then sharing these deeper stories. These are literally strangers showing up on Tuesday and by Saturday, five days, sharing some of their deepest, darkest secrets. And that's why I love that the science is backing up what we've been seeing on a weekly basis. Well, and to go along with that, if we were to put everyone together on their commonalities, putting a list together, you would see that some of the guys have some commonalities and there's a couple overarching themes, but nothing that you would say that these guys were best friends and what I also love. In fact, a lot of times the people who are the most connected share the fewest commonalities. They're the ones who are the most skeptical of each other on day one. And the reason being is the emotional connection happens when two or more people knowingly feel and perceive the same thing at the same time. So when we are out and we're trying to connect with people, it's not about searching for commonalities and it's not about puffing our chest up and celebrating all of our wins and how amazing we are. It is looking at the emotional state of the other person and connecting on that emotional state. And we can do that by evoking positive emotions in them through questions and asking them about things that were positive experiences in our life or we can do it by sharing our own positive experiences and stories that allow these emotional connections. Absolutely. So we have two ways to connect outside of the superficial commonality searching that most people rely on. What I love about all of this is the concept of emotional bids. And I learned about this concept, I wanna say it was like six or seven years ago now. There's a pretty famous researcher, Dr. John Gottman, and he's built his entire career around studying relationships that have longevity. We're talking marriages that have lasted 40, 50, 60 plus years. And his research looks specifically at what are those couples doing that preserve and lengthen and strengthen that relationship that some of us who are struggling in relationships can use to our advantage, can help us create and foster a deeper stronger bond. And he coined this term emotional bid. And I think it really speaks perfectly into what we've been saying here. When we are trying to connect with one another, we are constantly putting up these emotional bids as Dr. Gottman calls them. These are bids for attention, bids for interest, enthusiastic engagement, celebration, extend conversation, play, humor, affection, emotional support, and even some self-disclosure. These bids are attempts, these are almost like hooks that we're casting out there hoping someone else can see them, recognize these bids, and share in this emotion with us. I wanna mention, you mentioned a lot, and there are a lot, and they're all over the place. And you would be, at least I know our guys are surprised to see how many in a regular conversation pop up that go right over their heads. And if you're not looking for them, if you're looking for their commonalities to grab a hold on, you're missing all the best parts. You're missing where you can put a cheat code, which is by grabbing the right things and allowing nature to do its work. Right, so Dr. Gottman says the hook is the emotion. It's not the logical conclusion. The hook is the emotion. So the more we can share emotions, the more we can query other people about their emotions and look for these positive emotional bids, the easier it'll be for us to strengthen and lengthen our relationships, right? So Dr. Gottman's research says that relationships that have longevity, they have partners that are sharing in their emotional bids together, recognizing and celebrating the emotional bid of their other person in the relationship. So I like this silly example of, let's say I've been married for 55 years, right? And AJ, I am an avid bird watcher. Love watching, finding beautiful birds. And my wife, Susan, happens to be in the kitchen. We just had dinner, busy day at work. She's washing dishes. And I just happen to look out the window and I see a beautiful purple parakeet for the first time in my life, right? I've been bird watching for 40 plus years. Susan knows this. And I scream, hey, you have to come see this purple parakeet. It's so beautiful, right? In that moment, Dr. Gottman's research says there's this opportunity for Susan to either ignore or recognize the emotional bid by AJ. Now, if she says, honey, I have to do all these dishes. I gotta get to these chores. I gotta grade these assignments later. I don't have time to look at the bird and just ignores that emotional bid, right? How do you think I feel in that moment, right? I feel let down. I feel like I'm excited. Why is my partner not sharing in this with me? Now, if she chooses to put down the dishes and come run over and look at the bird with me, well, she's accepting and sharing in my emotional bid. And his research has shown that the recognition and the response to emotional bids is far higher in relationships that have longevity, that have stayed together 40, 50 plus years than those in divorce situation or younger relationships that have not lasted as long. So emotional bids strengthen and lengthen relationships. I completely agree with Dr. Gottman. I also believe that you wouldn't be having that relationship in the first place. You wouldn't be in that relationship in the first place without the recognition and response to those emotional bids. Well, it's being in tune to your partner, right? Because they're gonna share those in their own unique ways. Sometimes it's just implied, right? Or sometimes they'll flat out say how exciting this makes them feel. And it's being able to be tuned into how they disclose those things so you could pick them out. Because it's not always so obvious. But if you're looking for them, you can find them. And when we do video work, we purposely play it back with no sound and then with sound. Because emotional bids appear in your nonverbal communication, your facial expressions, that look of excitement and enthusiasm, your positioning, your posture, you're leaning into the other person, you're trying to get in their personal space to get more of their attention. Or it could appear verbally, right? In your vocal tonality and the terms that you're using to express this positive emotion. So looking for emotional bids in both of those places are the opportunities to connect and the opportunities to strengthen your relationship. So if you're listening to this right now and you're in a relationship, think about all of your partner's emotional bids. What are those things that your partner is excited and enthusiastic about? And then ask yourself, am I doing a good job listening, engaging and sharing in that enthusiasm with my partner? And I know for myself, I have also struggled with this. I'll be the first to admit that there are moments in my relationship with Amy where she gets excited about something and I'm stressed out and I discount it. It happens, but when it starts to string together and it becomes more frequent than the recognition and the elevation of those emotional bids, Dr. Gottman says that's when the relationships start to fall apart, that's when resentment builds. So with this idea that emotional bids can lengthen and strengthen relationships, we want you to start looking for emotional bids in other people and start giving more emotional bids, sharing more on the emotional level. And how do you do that? It takes practice by being in the moment. It takes practice with active listening, which is the whole other part to this. So it's one thing about being able to speak about these emotions and share them and show them through your physiology. It's a whole other thing to be able to be present and see these coming out of people. And if you're concentrating on the wrong things, if you're in your head trying to find your witty zinger or you're trying to think about the next question you're gonna ask, you're gonna miss all these connection points. Sorry, what was that, Johnny? I was on my iPad here. I was looking at my likes on Instagram. How often do we do that? All the time. In these moments where people are sharing their emotional bids, they're excited to tell us something, they're excited to share. We're in our Instagram, we're on our phone. We're checking our email. We're thinking about what we gotta do tomorrow. One of the things that's angering me as I'm continually trying to get better with social media is though I might not be on it, I'm still thinking about it, right? Like, I haven't looked at Facebook. That doesn't mean someone hasn't tagged me or that doesn't mean that someone hasn't wrote me that I should probably see. Like, there's even this time spent where I'm not looking at it, where I'm thinking about it and which only puts it to the place where I grab it and look at it unconsciously. Strive at me nuts. I got so mad with Instagram. I've been trying to be a little more active on Instagram. You're looking to find me or Johnny on Instagram at AJ Harbinger on Instagram, at AOC Johnny on Instagram. And I'm trying to be a little more active. I know a lot of the listeners are, wanna know what's going on behind the scenes and curious about who we are. So, you know, I'm starting to put some more posts up but doing a little bit more Instagram storing. And I fell into that, oh, red notification, click, right? And it's like, oh, okay, this photo's getting some engagement, it's getting some likes. And then what I realized that Instagram does is it starts to give you notifications, I'm using air quotes right now, for when a friend of yours happened to sign up for Instagram. Yeah, why do I need that? I just wanna know who liked my photo. But it's gaming that notification that plugs into this dopamine. So it's working to hook more of my attention. So I'm not present to give Amy the emotional bid recognition she's looking for. And it happens to all of us. So the first step to connection is recognizing these emotional bids and starting to share in others' emotional bids. You know, I wanted to share a story here. I was talking about this popped into my head. And this is how being able to tune into emotional bids can actually save your ass. And you remember this story, I'm gonna bring it up. So we were in Amsterdam. And I was hanging out, we were at, this was in 09, so we were at a hostel called the Flying Pig, pretty famous hostel. That hostel, by the way, I've stayed there a couple times. Yeah, it's a pretty famous hostel. The party for all the backpackers, that's where it's going on. There's a bar, there's a chill, there's a pillow room. Yeah, everyone's having a great time. Everyone's having a good time. And it just so happens that while we were there, there was this, there was some sort of poker tournament going on. And there was, so everyone was part of this thing. And I hadn't met this girl who was hanging out. And I didn't think anything of it, except just having a good conversation, whether it being a man doing my thing, just chatting her up. And of course, I'm launching into grabbing onto the emotional bids. In fact, it was funny because as I was talking to her and pulling these emotional bids out, there was another guy there who heard the conversation. He was like, that was the most bizarre conversation of two people who've just met each other. I've ever heard, he even mentions that because of how I was going about it. Because I mean, I know this idea. And so as she's talking about her life and where she's from and all that, I'm pulling out the emotional bids and I'm connecting with her. And I get pretty drunk, we're bullshitting and I notice that my wallet's missing. And I know exactly who has my wallet. There's no mistaken who has my wallet. And at one point I just look at her and go, look, I don't know what's going on here. You have my wallet, just, let's just, how about you just hand it back over and we'll pretend that none of this happened. And she's like, yeah, I don't have your wallet. And I'm like, there is nothing that I can do in this moment without me looking like a giant asshole. And so I was like, you know what? I've had enough, I'm going to bed and I hope this wallet is here when I wake up. So I'm drunk, I'm angry, and I- Walletless. Walletless. And we were believing in a couple of days. It was our last night, yeah, it was like. So, and it was, it's not only it's my, it's the wallet and passport, it's the whole shebang. And the next morning I walk, I wake up and hung over and I'm upset. And I walked to the desk and I go, by any chance, it's somebody hand in a wallet. And she goes, is your name Johnny? And I go, yeah, she goes, yeah, it's right here. She goes, oh, that girl, she got thrown out last night. And as we were thrown out, she wanted to, she pulled out your wallet, gave it to us and she goes, I couldn't do it, Tom, I'm sorry. And I will hold that to being able to build that connection, pulling those emotional bids and be able to make that connection because I don't think if I was able to do that, I would have gotten that wallet back. She wouldn't have thought twice. She wouldn't have cared less. But the connection that was fostered through the emotional bids, understanding her emotional response to the questions and to the conversation, not only starts that connection, it deepens that connection. And for everyone listening, we're talking about the start of connection. We're gonna have another Toolbox episode about deepening connection. Vulnerability. Vulnerability and how to actually share and build a much deeper rapport. Understanding that all this takes time. We're focusing in on the start of that connection, the genesis of that connection and giving you more tools at your disposal to foster connection because we all want to connect. We all want to connect with one another, but a lot of times we're going about it the wrong way. And when you turn towards those bids, when you accept someone's emotional bid, you're telling them, I hear you. I care for you. I care about our relationship. And it may sound a little corny at the start of the relationship, but that's what we're primed to recognize in one another, right? Friendship starts when you have trust. When you feel comfortable around the other person. And it's the recognition of these emotional bids that fosters that trust, fosters that comfort that allows us to start that connection. So with all of this, what are some easy ways that we can go about our business to start connecting more, Johnny? First, let's just start with ourselves. If you're going to try to connect with people, if you wanna build that connection, start with showing the emotions that you're conveying through your body. Feel the emotions that you're trying to convey. Start there. That will help you get in touch with those. And feel okay about that first bout of vulnerability. And start adding more color to the emotions in your stories. As we get to know people for the first time, we're sharing stories about ourselves. So when you think about the stories you're sharing right now, are you giving the emotional side of that story justice? Are you giving it enough color for the other person to physically, emotionally, physiologically feel that emotion that you're sharing? Or are you glossing over the emotion and focusing on, oh, Johnny said Amsterdam. I remember that flying pig hostel. Definitely, right? Or when we clue in on those details and gloss over the emotions, we're not offering up those emotions for the other person to connect on. So the emotional bids we can offer up more through our stories. And as you think about the stories you share currently with your friends, with your coworkers, with people you're meeting, are you doing the emotions justice? Second thing, as Johnny was saying with that active listening, paying attention to the emotions coming back. And as you hear those emotions, try to feel them yourself. Try to prime yourself for that connection. As that research shows, when we are feeling socially connected, we're feeling that emotion from the other person. The process of that emotional contagion, the process of spreading emotional states through one another, is even stronger in individuals who feel connected to each other. So we can prime the pump by starting to feel the emotions that the other person is sharing with us. And when we start to feel those emotions, that person's gonna feel more connected to you. I was, to add to that, you know, a lot of guys, I hear, I always hear the same thing. Whoa, I've never been skydiving so I can't connect with that. It's like, you know what it's like to feel in excitement, anticipation to be scared out of your gourd. Those you understand. If you're listening to this podcast, you felt the gamut of all emotions. You can connect with anybody you like. You just have to be able to pull out those emotions. What would you imagine that event to feel like? And then relate it to an opportunity or an event that you have been through that correlates with that emotion. And I have zero interest in skydiving. I didn't mean to do that. Zero interest in jumping out of a plane. And zero interest in imagining that feeling. But when you said jump out of a plane, right? The first thought that I had, the feeling was when my two feet are on the ground and this thing is over, the anticipation of that event concluding, right? That emotion is what I'm resonating with. I don't care about being in the air. I don't want to look out in fear. I want to celebrate that thing being over. Yeah, two feet on the ground. We're all safe. No broken legs, parachute worked, we're good. And especially for us men, the female listeners are kind of laughing to themselves thinking about their significant others who don't share emotions, who aren't recognizing their emotions. Women tend to be a little more primed on the emotional listening side of things in our experience. But as Johnny said, take a step back and just think about the emotions you're feeling, think about the emotions you're sharing in your stories and start thinking about and imagining the emotions that other people are feeling as they're telling you their story. That is the genesis of connection. So to recap, the biggest thing that we hear time and time again is I want to connect instantly. I want to build instant rapport with people and we get so caught up in the narrative coming out of Hollywood here, the narrative in books, that connection is instant, it's lightning. Science doesn't agree. It can take up to 200 hours of connecting to become a best friend with someone. It's a process, it takes time. Don't beat yourself up as you just move to a new town and you're trying to make connections. Give yourself enough time to foster those connections with other people. With anything else that takes time, enjoy the process, enjoy the journey. I mean, that's a lot of fun. When you understand how rapport works, when you understand how connection works, you can watch the process, you can see people getting more comfortable. You can understand how much more they're willing to share from the last time. It's a great feeling to know that it's happening. And building connection starts off lightly. And I want to give a little hat tip to John, our producer and David, our researcher's favorite Danish comedian, Victor Borja. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. That's great. Understanding that lighthearted playfulness, that initial fun emotion that we all are looking for is the easiest place for us to start that connection. And I hope you learned a lot about emotional bids. We're gonna link up some research to Dr. John Gottman in the footnotes, in the show notes for this episode. That emotional bid concept was life-changing for me, both in my relationships and understanding how to start relationships more effectively. And as you heard my story, I can get you out of a jam. And exactly that, when we connect on that level, you might get your wallet returned in Amsterdam. Emotional bids are those attempts by other people at creating connection as well. So recognizing them is that key to success. And when we share those emotions, we feel connected to one another. Offering emotional bids yourself for others to connect on is a great way when we're going out there, trying to meet and connect and make new friends for you to get the ball rolling.