 Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives her clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, docsknipes.com, has even more resources, videos, and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to docsknipes.com to learn more. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes, practical tools to improve your mood and quality of life. We're continuing. This is segment five of five segments talking about strengths, needs, attitudes, preferences, and temperament. We're finalizing the last dimension of temperament in this presentation. The last dimension of temperament, and I don't want you to assign too much meaning to what each element of the temperament is named, because I don't know why they named them these things. They seem a little off, but whatever. It helps you, and if you go on to kiersey.com, you can take the kiersey temperament sorter, and they will use these same labels to help you figure out where you are in terms of temperament. This actually originated back with Jungian archetypes way back in the early 1900s. So this isn't new stuff. We've just figured out how much or how important it is to understanding not only ourselves, how we approach life and recovery, but also how we interact in relationships, including those at work. So this last dimension is called judging versus perceiving. And I really don't like those terms, but they are what they are. We'll start with judging. Judgers tend to be more structured. I am probably pegged out as far as you can be on structure. And I like that better than judge, because I don't judge other people who are spontaneous, but I like my structure. I like to know I get up, I'm at the gym every morning at the same time, give or take 10 minutes, you know, I know what's going to happen. I have my day planned out. Judgers, for example, if you call them up on a Friday and you say, hey, it's been a long week, let's go out. If they didn't already have that on their schedule, they're probably not going to go with you. They are not people who do spontaneity well at all. We are people who tend to really like structure. We love our date books. We love our calendars. We know what's happening when and if somebody changes plans at the last minute, we can adapt, but it is extremely stressful. We don't do well in jobs like law enforcement, where you don't know what to expect on a minute by minute basis. We like to be able to feel a little bit more in control of things. So let's talk about judging a little bit. We plan ahead. Judgers tend to have planned ahead, not just for today, but probably for the whole week. When my husband and I first met, he is much more of a perceiver than I am, and he would be more flexible. He would call up and be like, hey, do you want to go out tonight? I'm like, no. I needed, before I had kids, I needed about two days notice, so I could work that into my plans, and right after we got married, I was working on my dissertation, and I had time blocked out from an 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. when I would work on my dissertation. I remember one day he came in there, where I was working, and he started talking to me, and I evidently gave him sort of a quizzical, irritated look, and he's like, what's wrong? And I was like, this is my dissertation time. This is not talking time. He's like, I've got to make an appointment, and I said, yeah. And I wasn't being sarcastic. It just, it made sense to me that I had that time blocked out, so unless it was an emergency, it could wait. Not necessarily the best for getting along in a relationship. You need to be a little bit more flexible. And like I said, once I had kids, if you've got kids yourself, you know you can't plan everything down to the minute with children, because stuff happens. So you've got to have a plan B and a plan C. Perceivers don't tend to have to have plans A, B, and C. They just deal with whatever comes up. Judgers, we tend to have a plan A, which is where we prefer to be. And then we have a plan B and plan C in case plan A gets messed up. But that, if we still have structure, we still kind of have our fingers on the pulse of everything. We tend to be self-disciplined and purposeful. But what we do, we do moving towards good orderly direction. We do with the purpose. We're not just running off willy-nilly for the sake of it. People talk about going on vacation, so they can see the sites. I'm like, well, isn't that what Google Earth was for? And you can do it in a lot less time. They look at me weird, but it's OK. I said I was pegged down. I know I tend to be a little bit more extreme. Judgers tend to get things done early, plan ahead, and work steadily. We want to make sure that everything's done so we meet our deadlines. We are extremely deadline-oriented. And we can get frustrated with people who prefer spontaneity in the workplace, in recovery, in relationships, because they won't give you a time. It's like if you call them and say, let's go out to dinner. And they say, OK, I'll pick you up this afternoon after work. That's not what a judge wants to hear. I will pick you up between 5.30 and 5.45. OK, I got that. But this afternoon after work, what time do you get off? Does that mean 3? Does that mean 7.30? We need, we prefer, things that are much more concrete. We are excellent planners, although we may not appreciate or make use of things which aren't planned or expected. So for example, if we're planning a vacation, and we figure out we're going to spend the weekend looking around, we're going to make a decision by Sunday evening, Monday we'll call the travel agent. Then on Monday, we call the travel agent. And the travel agent's like, OK, I can sign you up for that. But I found out that they're running a special to do an Eastern Caribbean cruise, yada, yada, yada. For judges, that can throw you for a complete loop, because that's not what you had planned. You don't necessarily make use of this new information and go, well, you know, we could do a trip to Alaska next year. Eastern Caribbean is free, is going to be a lot cheaper this year because of the special that's running. So we tend to be predictable. And there's something that is endearing about predictable. It can also be extremely boring to someone who's perceiving. So we need to recognize that. Judges do really well in recovery, because we can follow, we can write out relapse prevention plans. We can follow relapse prevention plans. We can make sure we schedule in our mindfulness exercises and whatever else we're supposed to do. So we get that done. But again, if somebody calls us up to go do something fun that would obviously help us feel happy and benefit recovery, we may not be able to take advantage of that because it would be too stressful to alter our schedule. So we need to be aware of those things and try to be open to possibilities working within comfortable parameters. Like if you have to have 36 hours notice now, you know, try to be open to something where if somebody calls you up today, you might be willing to do something with them tomorrow. Small steps, you know, it's not going to happen overnight. But be open to it and at least consider it. Perceivers adapt as they go. These are the people that fly by the sea through their pants. They'll wake up on Saturday morning and go, you know what? Let's drive to the beach. I lived in Florida for 20 years, so people did that a lot. And it would just boggle my mind. I'm like, well, you didn't plan on that. You've got to get everything packed and you've got to get the car gassed up. My little judging mind and my checklists, oh, I love checklists, my goodness, and lists in general, would just start flipping out. Perceivers are just like, yeah, you know, if we figure out we forgot something, we'll just stop at Walmart on the way and pick it up. They can adapt. They can figure out workarounds where a judge might get or someone who's more structured might get stymied. So again, it's good to have these two people working together in the workplace. You can see how the structured person keeps everything moving along at a steady pace. But then when something happens that throws the line out of whack, the perceiver can say, okay, here's a workaround. And then you can work together and get things back on track. So they work really well together if they know how to communicate and respect the strengths that the other person brings. Perceivers are flexible and tolerant and thrive on spontaneity. They are going to get bored in relationships if every minute is planned out. In my relationships, you know, the people that I tend to go out and do things with know that they need to call me and try to make plans like a day ahead of time. I'm not as rigid as I used to be. Every once in a while, I'll go out on the spur of the moment. But most of the time, I still is just really stressful to do. But I can schedule in spontaneity. And I know that sounds weird. I can schedule in a day like on Saturday or Sunday where I know that it's going to be whatever my family wants to do. So they can decide on Saturday morning if they want to go hiking or they want to go to the pool or they want to do whatever. It's not planned. I don't know exactly what we're going to do, but I do know that I am completely out of control of what happens from 8 a.m. Saturday morning until 6 p.m. Saturday evening. I can plan for that. I can put that in my date book, family time. And then we work from there. Perceivers tend to get things done at the last minute depending on a spur of energy. Now as a former supervisor, when I worked with people who were perceivers, it would drive me a little bit baddy because we would have an audit coming up or chart notes do or something else. And they would be putting it off. I'll get it done later this week. And with no definite dates of when it would be done and they would be staying late the night before the auditors got there to get their charts up to speed or to do something at the last minute getting ready for a meeting. Whereas I would have preferred to have them have it done two or three days ahead of time so they could spot check it and make sure it was perfect. But understanding that they would get it done most of the time is important. And perceivers can benefit from judges because judges can kind of nudge you along to make sure you get it done more often than not. Perceivers always want more information going back to that vacation. They would say, you know, let me look at what kind of vacation options are out there this weekend. And then on Monday we can talk about it and they may continue to look at vacation options for two more weeks and never actually make plans. And then all of a sudden you're three weeks out from vacation and you still don't have tickets to do anything and that gets expensive. So perceivers may need a little bit of a structure kicking the butt from judges to set a deadline. So, okay, at the end of the week we need to figure out what we're going to do. As judges, structured people, we wanna give them enough time to try to get as much information. And we need to be open to the fact that if new information just drops in their lap like the travel agent saying that they're running special on this particular cruise, we need to be willing to take a breath and say, okay, let's add that into the pile. We're still gonna make a decision today, but we can add that new bit of information in. Perceivers always think there's plenty of time. So they may get caught learning about how to do something and never actually get started. You know, there's plenty of time to get that done. And then all of a sudden you're at the last minute. So they don't do really well on time management, but they are good at great actually at handling unplanned events and dealing with things that come up. They may not make the most effective choice, but they can roll with it. They're not going to miss a step if something happens and their plans get messed up. So as judges, we can benefit from the input or consult of perceivers as perceivers can benefit from the structure imparted by judges. When it comes to relationships and working together, understanding your different temperaments and trying to understand what makes each one less stressed. Perceivers get bored if they have too much structure. Judges get stressed out if they don't have enough structure. So how can you make it work for both of you? So how do you figure out if somebody's a judge or a perceiver? If the person loves schedules, checklists and protocols and manuals, they're probably a judge. If they prefer spontaneity and more the broad strokes, probably a perceiver. Do they get things done early? Or are they, which is a judge, or are they waiting till the last minute, which is a perceiver? Now, if you've got kids, think about how this fits with your kids with doing their chores, with doing their schoolwork. Do they get things done early or do they wait till the very last minute? Does the person fail to make use of all the possibilities and struggle with unplanned events? So if plans change at the last minute, do they kind of get caught off guard? Or do they just say, yeah, whatever. A judge will struggle with changes at the last minute. A perceiver will just kind of roll with it and go, okay, whatever. Understanding that's how you are. It's not better or worse, just how you are. Together, judges need to allow for some spontaneity. Schedule in spontaneous times where the spontaneous person can kind of be in control. Have coping skills to deal with plan changes because life happens. One of my friends is going through a lot of different stressors right now and she came home yesterday and found out that her son had appendicitis and they're in the hospital now waiting for him to have surgery. Now, that's a huge plan change. She had to go to work and she had laundry to do and she had all this other stuff, but then obviously her kid comes first. So it's really stressful, not only worrying about him, but figuring out how she's gonna get everything else done. Judgers need to appreciate perceiver's desire to explore but also set guidelines, which we can respect spontaneity and we can say, you know what, if you need some time to just go cut loose, more power to you. Have a guys weekend, have a girls weekend. We can also appreciate the fact that they need to have some time, even if it's with us, that they can be more spontaneous and everything's not planned down to the nth degree. That's going to be up to the two of you to negotiate. Perceiver's need to plan spontaneity if they're in a relationship with a judge. So they know that, okay, I've gotta go by the schedules during the week, but on Saturdays and Sundays or maybe just Saturdays, I get to set the tone and set the pace and make the plans. Perceiver's generally in recovery, in relationships, in work, need to have a general schedule because you're probably going to be working with or around people who are more structured. When I start to do relapse prevention plans, judges love to have things, they write out which meetings they're going to go to, which times and how they're going to do it and if they can't get to that meeting, what their backup plan is, I mean, they've got it down. Perceiver's would go batty if they had their life scheduled that much. With a perceiver, you say something like you need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and encourage them to figure out a little bit ahead of time what that's going to look like. For regular tasks like doing laundry and shopping and all that stuff, a weekly to-do list may be as much structure as they can really embrace and be happy with and not feel oppressed. And that's okay. We have one on our refrigerator that I have lists of things that need to be done this week so the kids can go and when they finish their chores they can find something that needs to be knocked off. And perceivers also need to be willing at some point to stop researching and taking in new information and make a decision or get started on the project because there's so much information especially with the internet that you can get stuck in this never-ending learning phase where you never actually move forward and try to implement the project. In recovery, judges need a backup plan for when their recovery activities fall through. So if you can't get to your meeting because your kid is sick or you can't get to your group or your therapy appointment for some reason what's your backup plan? Do you have books that you can read? Do you have online meetings that you can go to? What can you do so you don't feel like you're just spinning around in circles? Judges can benefit from being willing to explore possibilities and reopen their recovery plan at some point to include new things. So if your recovery plan for example was written and it was 100% 12 step and then you start learning about dialectical behavior therapy and mindfulness you might choose to reopen your recovery plan and start integrating some of that or at least be willing to consider it. Judges are excellent at helping perceivers create relapse prevention plans because perceivers tend to miss the details. They say I'm gonna do 90 meetings in 90 days and then they start getting caught up with work and school and family stuff and everything else and they start missing meetings because they're not paying attention to the details and the structure. So perceivers need a plan and again like I said a weekly list can work so you wanna do seven meetings in seven days. They can benefit from a judge's insistence on getting started. So somebody's keeping tabs and going come on you need to move on to the next step you need to start writing your autobiography even if you don't finish it bring me the first page. Perceivers are excellent at helping judges handle unplanned events. So if all of a sudden something goes topsy turvy a perceiver can say all right well let's make lemonade the world just handed you lemons let's make lemonade the judge is probably gonna be standing there wide eyed going I don't know what to do. The perceiver he's got he's creative or she's creative and she's moving on to all right let's look at what we got now and figure out which direction to go. Changing behavior involves learning what is causing your distress and tools to manage it. Extroverts need to be in environments where there are people and they can draw energy. Introverts need to have quiet time each day. People who are judges tend to need more structure and thrive on structure and don't do well in situations where they've gotta fly by the seat of their pants. Perceivers on the other hand thrive on spontaneity. So those are the two big dimensions that you wanna think about in terms of what causes you distress and what may be causing hurdles in relationships. Effective change involves maximizing your strengths considering your needs and motivations what is it that you need? We want a lot of things but in order to be happy in order to reach your goal of happiness whatever you think you can achieve in the next six months what do you need to have happen right now and what motivates you to do that? Is it compassion and care and friendships or is it success or what are your motivations? Address your attitudes that may be keeping you stuck keeping you depressed, keeping you anxious like always feeling like the sky is getting ready to fall, the other shoe is getting ready to drop or seeing the negative and everything. Think about Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Work in harmony with your own preferences and the preferences of those around you. There's a big and in there it's not or the preferences of those around you. Know your preferences and be willing to compromise and meet people in the middle and communicate to them in a way that's meaningful to them and hopefully they will learn how to communicate to you similarly. It's important to pay attention to the potential pitfalls of your change plan based on your strengths needs, attitudes, preferences and temperament. For example, if you're recovering from depression and you're a person who tends to need a fair amount of sleep each day that may be something that you've got to schedule in and you need to make sure that other people know that that's a need it's not just that you want to get three or four hours of quality sleep each night. It's that you need it in order to achieve your goals. So knowing what you need, your best friend may have other needs but what do you need in order to achieve what's most important to you and maintain and nurture the relationships and the people that are most important to you. If you like our podcast, you can subscribe on your favorite podcast app. You can join our Facebook group at docsknipes.com slash Facebook or join our community and access additional resources at docsknipes.com. Thanks for tuning into happiness and brain surgery with Doc Snipes. Our mission is to make practical tools for living the happiest life affordable and accessible to everyone. 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