 The Jack Benny Program, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, smoking enjoyment depends on taste, and taste alone. Yes, in a cigarette, it's the taste that makes the difference. And you can taste the difference in the Lucky Strike. So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. Yes, luckies taste better, and here's why. First, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine mild tobacco that tastes better. There's no substitute for fine tobacco, and don't let anybody tell you different. Second, luckies are made to taste better. In fact, they're the best made of all five principal brands. Yes, that's a fact established by tests, measuring those important factors of workmanship that affect the taste of cigarettes. Tests made in the research laboratory of the American Tobacco Company, and verified by leading independent laboratory consultants. So remember, your smoking enjoyment depends on taste, and taste alone. And you'll find luckies taste better. Always so mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. Make your next carton, Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Dane, here's truly Don Hoey. And now, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, at the moment, Rochester's cleaning house. Hmm, what a day. So far, I did the washing and ironing, scrubbed the floors, and cleaned the woodwork. Doggone, I sure hate February. Mr. Benny makes me work three hours a day longer, because it's the shortest month. Well, I better get on with it. Answer the door, answer the door. Quiet, Paulie, I'll get it. Oh, good morning, Mr. Mailman. Good morning, Rochester. There was too much mail to put in the box, so I thought I'd bring it in. Here are the letters. Thank you. And here are Mr. Benny's magazines. Lonely Hearts. Woman's Home Companion. Body Beautiful. And here's the Wall Street Journal. That's for me. Oh, yes, it is for you, Rochester. Do you own stock? Uh-huh, I have two shares of Mr. Benny. He's incorporated himself. Oh. I bought it at 39, and it's been there for 10 years. I see. Well, I must be getting along. Is that all the mail you have for Mr. Benny? No, I'm still carrying that letter with postage due on it. But I guess there's no use going through that again. No, I guess not. How long ago was that letter mailed? I don't know. It was handed down to me by my father. Bye. Good bye. Well, I'll put this mail over by then. Who was at the door, Rochester? Oh, good morning, boss. It was the Mailman. Oh. Nothing for you, Polly. Hello, Polly. Hello, daddy. Hey, Mr. Benny, I didn't get a chance to show you what I taught Polly a few days ago. Something you taught Polly? Watch this, Mr. Benny. Now, Polly, why was last Friday, February 22nd, a holiday? Because it was Washington's... Come on, Polly. It was Washington's what? Come on. Come on, Polly. It was Washington's what? It's what? No. No, no, no, Polly. It was Washington's. It was Washington's. I'll give you a hint. Da-da-da-da-da-dum. Da-da-da-da-da-dum. Brass Motorola TV. Never mind, Rochester. She lays an egg every day. What else do we want? What's in the mail, Rochester? Here's a letter from Max Factor. From Max Factor? What does it say? Dear Mr. Benny, this is the third letter we've sent you reminding you that your January payment is past due. Either pay immediately or we'll snatch it off your head. Let him snatch it. We'll have warm weather pretty soon. Let's see. What's this? Oh, this is from the California Bank. It's another letter about that loan. What are you going to do, boss? I'm going to turn them down. Let's see. This is funny. Here's one from the barber shop on the corner. Dear Mr. Benny, we are writing to all of our customers who got shaved last Saturday. Are you missing an ear? Yes. If not called for in 30 days, we will put it with our collection. Is there anything else, Rochester? Just a circular. You won't be interested in it. Let me see it. Now is the time to buy a new car. We're making very liberal allowances on trade-ins. You know, Rochester, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea if I traded in my Maxwell and maybe get a new... I'll answer, Rochester. You can take the mail up from my room. Oh, hello, Jack. Mary, come on in. Well, what job have you got picked out for me? Cleaning out your garage or mowing the lawn? You can't move the lawn. I know that. The very first line. She just got here. Mary, I don't know what you're talking about. You're only supposed to be on my show. I know, but I won't get paid for February unless I do some extra work. Well, I stopped that last year when you fell off the roof into the tar bucket, you know? Hey, Mary, I just got this circular from an automobile company and I've been thinking maybe I ought to trade in my car and buy another one. Well, it's about time. What are you going to get? An Essex or a Stutz? Oh, don't be funny. I'm going to get a real... Come in. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Come on in, kid. Thanks. How do you feel, Mr. Benny? Fine. How's everything going? All right. You know, I wasn't going to come over today, but there's something I think you ought to know. What's that? I'm suing you for $50,000. What? Dennis, what's this all about? Why are you suing Mr. Benny? Well, because last week on his radio show where millions of people could hear, he called me stupid. Well, Dennis, why are you suing me now? For years I've been calling you stupid. Well, I want to be addressed with dignity. My name is Dennis S. Day. Well, what does the S stand for? I told you I'd lose my case. I thought so. Well, anyway, after I collect the $50,000 from you on suing someone else who called me stupid. Who's that? My lawyer. Well, Dennis, I don't want to hear any more of this silly talk about suing people. Instead of that, let me hear the song you're going to sing on Sunday's program. Okay. What's the name of it? Sweet Sue. Now, cut that out! Just sing your song. This song, very, very much. Now, why don't you just run along? Oh, I can't leave now. I've got to go into your house and spray for termites. What? Mrs. February and I'd like my full salary. All right, Dennis, but this time crawl out when you're through. Don't wait for Groundhog Day. Say, Mary. That's my uncle's name. What's your uncle's name? Groundhog Day. Look, Dennis, just get under the house. Yes, sir. Hello? Hiya, Jackson. I'm calling from the country club and I thought maybe you'd come out and play some golf. Well, I don't think I can today, Phil. You see, I'm going out and buy a new car. Operator. Operator, you gave me the wrong number. She did not. It's me. It's me. I am going to buy a car. Oh, what kind of car are you going to get, Jackson? Well, I don't know. I was thinking of getting a Cadillac. Operator, operator. Why can't I get the right number? You've got the right number. Well, I told you it's me. He asked me if I wanted to play golf. I told you I couldn't. Why don't you call Remly? I called Remly. He's here right now. Oh, Frankie's with you, eh? Yeah, he's sitting over at the table drinking a glass of milk. Operator. Operator, operator. Well, what's this about Frankie drinking milk? Doctor's orders. He's drinking too much bourbon. Oh. And that caused a shortage of calcium in his system. Uh-huh. So the doctor made him drink milk. Oh, so you get more calcium? Yeah. That'll make his teeth stronger. Why does he want to strengthen his teeth? So he can pull the corks out of bourbon bottles. Why? He can't gum them things, you know. I know, I know. Phil, goodbye. Hey, wait, hey, say Jackson. What? I know it's February, but do you mind if I paint your house in April? Yes, that'll be all right. And then I'll move the lawn. No, I won't. So long. That was, that was Phil. He wanted me to play golf. I know, I know. Say Jack, if you're really serious about trading in your car, you better do it now. Now? Yeah. Well, Mary, maybe I ought to first... Dan is quiet! Mary, do you really think I should trade my car in? Yes, and I know you. If you put it off, you'll never do it. Well... Well, Jack, if you do it now, I'll go with you. Come on, let's go. Well, all right. Maybe I can get a good trade in. Rochester, get my car out, will you please? Yes, sir. Rochester, the traffic's pretty heavy. Take it easy. Jack, what kind of a car do you think you'll get? Well, I'm not sure. All of the new models look so nice, and they have so many novel features. You know, Mary, maybe I ought to get a nash. I like the way the seats make up into beds. What are you laughing at? You'll have the only car in the country that takes in boarders. I wasn't thinking of that, Mary. I just thought that... Hey, boss, how long have we been driving? About 14 minutes. Then I better find a service station fast. A service station? What's wrong, Rochester? Nothing yet, but every time this car drives, 15 minutes, the radiator heats up and... All for heaven's sake. Rochester, did all that water come from the radiator? It ain't from the little white cloud that cries. Rochester, what does the water gauge say? Half faith in all kinds of weather. Now stop that and pull over. Well, I guess we'll just have to sit here a few minutes now until it cools off. Say, Emily, Emily, isn't that Jack Benny over there? Where? Over there in that Stanley steamer. Now, for that isn't the Stanley steamer, it's the Maxwell at Bloor's top. Then it is my green man. Steady, girl. Steady. You really have a crush on him, haven't you? Yes. Did you see him on his last television show? Uh-huh. When he choked Barbara Stanwick, how I wish it had been me. You know, Martha, he does his next television show two weeks from today. In two weeks? Oh, I'm sorry you told me. I'll be a nervous wreck waiting. I know, I know. And Emily, I've got a confession to make. This month I sent Mr. Benny a Valentine poem. Did he get it? He must have. I put it in my laundry bundle. In your laundry bundle? I'll bet he didn't even answer it. He did, too. He wrote, Your lovely poem made me shake and shiver. And starting March 1st, we pick up and deliver. That was very sweet. Well, come on, Martha, or we'll be late for the wrestling matches. Oh, yes. Rochester, the car should be cool enough now. Let's go. This street we're coming to is Figaroa, that automobile row. Yeah, turn right here, Rochester. Yes, sir. Gosh, look at all the automobile dealers on this street. The smiling Irishman, the lucky Dutchman, madman Muntz, psychiatric Sam, wild man Pritchard. Ah, here's the place we want. Just plain bill. Stop in front of this place, Rochester. Come on, Mary, I'm going to look at the new cars first. Okay. Jack, they certainly have some beautiful cars on display here. Yeah. How do you do? May I help you? Yes, I'm thinking of buying a new car. Well, you've come to the right place. Were you thinking of any particular type? Well, this car here looks awfully nice. Yes, Jack, it's really a sporty-looking number. Get inside and see how roomy it is. Okay. It sure is comfortable. Say, what are these buttons here? Oh, those are for the windows. I'll show you how they work. Gee. Didn't you know the new cars had automatic window lifts? He didn't even know they had windows. Mary, please, what other new features do they have? I'm glad you asked that. Now, this is the only car on the market that comes equipped with a Dynaflex Super Flowing Uniget Turbo Vascular, which is synchronized with a multi-coil hydrotension dual-vacuum dynamometer. God, what does that do for the car? It empties the ashtray. Well, that's quite a feature. You think I ought to get this car, Mary? Oh, certainly. I wouldn't think of having a car that's not equipped with a Dynaflex Super Flowing Uniget Turbo Vascular, which is synchronized with a multi-coil hydrotension dual-vacuum dynamometer. That, she got right, but she moved along. You know, the more... the more I see of this car, the more I like it. But tell me, Mr... Mr, call me Plain Bill. Well, look, Plain Bill, what are all these other buttons for? Well, they're for the heater, the lights, and the top. Uh-huh. But what's this red button for? That red button is for emergencies. Emergencies? Yes. Like, if you stall the car on the railroad tracks and a train is coming at 100 miles an hour, you press the red button. And that gets the car off the tracks? No, it puts a tag on your big toe. You know, you know, Jack, this is one of the prettiest convertibles I've ever seen. Why don't you take it? I think I will, Mary. Tell me, Plain Bill, what's the price of this car? $4,200. Say, Mr, do the windshield wipers on this car squirt water when you press the button? Yes. Well, squirt some on him, he fainted. I didn't faint, Mary. Just that $4,200 is a lot of money. Oh, but don't forget, we do make liberal allowances on trade-in. Well, my car's right outside. Suppose you come along with us and appraise it? Oh, I'll be happy to. If you pardon me for just a moment, I'll go and get my appraisal book. Certainly. You know, Mary, maybe you're right about my getting another car. After all, I've had my Maxwell, you know. And Jack, Jack, isn't that Don Wilson over there looking at a new car? Yeah. Gee, Mary, Don didn't tell me he was thinking of buying a car. I was with him yesterday. Well, Mr, how do you like it? Oh, say, that's the prettiest convertible I ever saw. How much is it? $4,800. $4,800? That includes the initials on the door. Well, that's fine. Can you get the man who puts the initials on? Oh, I'll do it myself right now. What initials would you like? LS MFT. You have three middle names? No, no. LS MFT means lucky strike means fine tobacco. Oh, I see. And put a dash between LS and MFT. A dash? Like this? That's it. Now, could you make the dash so it looks like a lucky strike cigarette? Sure. How's that? Fine. Only, could you make that lucky strike round and firm and fully packed? Sure. Watch this. Uh-uh, careful. No loose ends. Well, I'll be careful. Hey, ah, it's all finished. Good. Now, how much is that? I told you, the car is $4,800. I don't want the car. I just want the door. The door? Very well. Just charge it to my account. Yes. Yes, Mary, you should see Don's garage. No cars. Just doors. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Shall we go? Yes, plain bill. Well, which one of these cars is yours? This is it, right here. Oh, you're joking. Well, I'll admit it doesn't look like much right now, but a little paint and polish and she'll be as good as new. What did you get, boss? A convertible or a sedan? Well, nothing yet. This gentleman is going to praise ours. Now, plain bill, my car has a lot of advantages that the new cars haven't got. Yeah, if you like tea, it boils water every 15 minutes. Oh, stop. This man is a good judge of cars. Now, plain bill, get in. I'll show you how it runs. Come on, Mary. Start the car, Rochester. Yes, sir. Gee, the motor seems to be laboring a little harder than usual. Jack, it's February. Oh, yes, yes. Try it again, Rochester. Just a second. If I'm going to praise this car, I'd better drive. No, I'll drive. You shovel the coals. Never mind. You better let him drive plain. He's more... He's more used to it. Well, it is a regular, but okay. See, I told you it rides very smoothly, doesn't it? Oh, it's not bad. Now, plain bill, how much of a trade-in do you think you can give me on my car? Well, let me see. There's a little rubber left on the tires. The body needs a paint job. The upholstery isn't too bad. The motor runs. Look, would the deal include the car's radio? Yes, yes. Now, how much will you allow me on the car, including the radio? $3. I wouldn't think of trade-in. $3. I wouldn't think of trading in this car for $3. It's perfect mechanically. They don't make cars like this today. Everything's built to last per year and give you the most excellent service. Oh, plain bill. Yes? A lemon or cream. Lemon in mind, Mary. Now, Bill, all kidding aside, how much will you allow me on my car? I told you $3, and that's all I'm going to give you for this piece of junk. Junk. That settles it. Rochester, stop the car. Plain bill, I'll thank you to get out. It will be a pleasure. Good bye. Rochester, take me home. You know, boys, if you're not going to get a new car, why don't you have this one fixed up? Put some of those modern things on it. Like what? Like the Dynaflex Superflowing Uniget Turbo Vascular, which is synchronized with the motor coil. I draw attention to a vacuum dynamometer. No, Bill, I just have to go out and buy a Nash tray. Step on it, Rochester. I want to get home. Friends, whenever you want the smooth, mellow, completely enjoyable taste of truly fine tobacco, reach for a lucky. For the difference between just smoking and really enjoying your smoke is the taste of a cigarette. And luckies taste better for two important reasons. First, LSMFT, lucky strike means fine tobacco, fine mild tobacco that tastes better. There's no substitute for fine tobacco and don't let anybody tell you different. Second, luckies are made to taste better. In fact, they're the best made of all five principle brands. Yes, you'll be happy when you go lucky because luckies taste better, so mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. So next time you buy cigarettes, try a carton of luckies. You'll find luckies taste better. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. Jack, are you going to stop off at any other car dealers? No, no, I've made up my mind. I'm going home. This one will have to do until we... Jack, Jack, what happened? Your hair is gone. It's my fault, Miss Livingston. I never should have driven by Max Factor's. All right, let him keep it, let him keep it. Jack, many programs brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your hit parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station. Jack, many programs have been selected and one of the programs to be heard by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. Stay tuned for the Amos Fandico which follows immediately. This is the CBS Radio Network.