 A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess. But Avalons cost you less. Oh, why not always travel on? Good evening. This is Del King, saying welcome to Avalon time. With Red Foley, Edna Stillwell, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and Red Skelton. The orchestra opens the program with, Tate, what should you do? Important advantages. Outstanding quality, amazing money-saving economy, points of superiority that make Avalon stand apart ahead of others. Now, first, the quality. Avalons are positively unsurpassed. They're made from the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos blended to perfection. In fact, you couldn't get finer quality tobacco in any other cigarette regardless of price, regardless of brand. Next, economy. Avalons cost 3 to 5 cents less per pack than other popular price brands, a saving that will net you many, many extra dollars. So the next time you need cigarettes, remember Avalons give you highest quality at a worthwhile saving. Give them a trial. You'd never guess they cost you less. So just before we went on the air, did I hear you tell the cats that I had a very thick head of hair? Yes, but I don't believe I mentioned your hair. You don't bother me, then. I feel great tonight. I just got back from the Lewis and Galento fight in New York City. Lewis against Galento was a case of youth versus aged in the wood. Oh, but both fighters had a marvelous physique. Lewis looked streamlined, and Galento was keg-lined. There were a lot of celebrities there. Jim Farley, Marilyn Guarni. Jim Farley thought that Joe and Tony were playing post office for his benefit. They both kissed the canvas. Grover Whalen, the big world's fair man, he was there in Cognito. He didn't want anybody to recognize him, so he didn't use his private box. He sat out in the main aisle on a big white ball. He rashed up to me, and he says, how they taking it out in Chicago? Remember we had a world's fair here, too? I didn't get it either. But the referee called both fighters to the center of the ring to give them their instructions. And when Galento found out that it was illegal to hit below the belt, he came out wearing a pair of turtleneck trunks with sleeves. You know, I used to be a fighter myself. They used to call me the wallpaper kid. I always got a pastin'. I got the lightweight belt, the heavy weight belt, the middle weight belt. In fact, I was belted right out of the business. What a fighter. I used to fight in a full dress suit, you know? That's in case anything happened to me, they could just fold my arms. I was known as a club fighter, and of course, they'd never let me take the club in the ring. I remember my biggest fight was in the Chicago stadium. I walked to the center of the ring, and I took off my robe. Women, that's out in it, I think. It was the night I fought Max. Wavy's baton with an American flag on the end of it. Tell yourself tonight with that red hair, white tie, blue coat, and red, white, and blue striped trousers. Do you like it? It's the one thing I knitted between rehearsals. It's together in honor of 4th of July. Oh, well, listen, if you're trying to be Uncle Sam, where are the whiskers? The whiskers are on Scotland's jokes. Tell me, I know, it's Rogers, the fiddle player. How are you tonight, Roger, my little chronic critic? Hello, Skeleton. Say, I could use you on the 4th of July. Use me? What for? I'm going to light some firecrackers, and I need a little pun. You know, I'll win this guy over, Del. I'm going to treat him nice. I'll kill him with kindness. And if I don't work, I'll just kill him. Hello, boys. Hello, Edna. Say, how do you like my red, white, and blue striped outfit, huh? Well, stop turning around. You look like a barber pole. Say, Ed, is the program going off for the summer so you can take a vacation? No, not a chance. What do you think the radio audience would say if Skeleton went off? They'd say, there goes the show-off. Come to think of it, I do need a vacation. A summer program? Hey, that's an idea. Wonder where we could dig up somebody to replace me. You might try the cemetery. Yeah. I think we've got enough dead beats on here now. Look, hmm. Vacation time, though. Little red schoolhouse. I remember when I left the sixth grade. Good old sixth grade. I'll never forget it. No more books for three months. Just swimming and playing. Then fresh as a daisy, back to the sixth grade. You know, it seemed like it was only yesterday that I was a barefooted boy. See, when did I get my first pair of shoes? Yesterday. You know, if I could get somebody to replace me, I would go on a vacation. Come in. Hey, who's this guy with a flyer suit and goggles? Hey, are you an aviator? Well, I ain't an aviator. Yes, Mr. Skeleton. And you know, it's just oodles and oodles of fun being a cloud hopper. No, not me, boy. It's too bumpy up there. Well, good heavens do what I do. What do you do? I use an air cushion for my undercarriage. Mr. Skeleton, you love it up in the clouds. Why, you just don't know what living is till you get a bird from an eagle. Say, your face looks a little fleshed, Hucky. What's the matter? Are you too warm? Oh, mercy me. No. You see, the suit I've got on is lined with fur, and it just tickles me pink. So I'm going back to the airport, Mr. Skeleton. You see, I'm all of the jitter-blies. Well, I've got to do some blind flying, and I never touch this stuff. Good old Herky. I bet he thinks an air pocket is something for a nudist. Hey, Red. Red, look who is here. Bill Thompson, the old timer from Fiverr McGee and Molly's program. Well, he looks like a kid. Say, what are you doing tonight? He's still romantic, eh, old timer? Say, just how old are you, old timer? Well, now let's see. Back in the days of 49. Now, wait a minute. Next thing you know, you'll be telling us you voted for Lincoln. Voted for him? I held him on my lap. That'd make you 120 years old. Now, you don't look that old to me. Can I help it if I live clean, Johnny? Hey, old timer, do you think you could put on a radio show so I could take a vacation this summer? Sure could, Johnny. Got some good Western stuff, and I could do a program called Death Valley Days. You can't do that. I say you can't do that. There's a program on the air now called Death Valley Days. Maybe you might put on one and call it Rudy Valley Nights. The old republicans entitled Life Begins At Night. Old timer, I'll bet he remembers when Finn was a huckleberry and not a Mickey. Vacation? Need one. Say, this radio works killing me. Oh, just a half hour a week with maybe another half hour with your writers on the script? Yeah, what do you mean a half hour on the script? Look, when we finished the script Monday, it was so late Tuesday morning, I didn't get the bed Wednesday afternoon till Thursday evening at 10 o'clock Friday night. Well, if that's the case, how about letting me take over the program for the summer? Now, I could, well, it's my voice instructor, Professor Tommy Mag. Yes, and I'm just the guy to take your point down the air. Well, I can teach everybody in the country to proper way to speak. You're going to sound funny when the president starts a fireside chat by saying, my poor look, Professor, you couldn't teach people to speak. There's not the, look, let's hear you say, she sells seashells down by the seashore. Oh, that's a 10. Go ahead, say. She sells, she sells, she sells, she sells. She pedals clams down by the waterfront. She pedals clams down by the waterfront. Now, listen, on the way, I'm going to show everybody how to get wet control. Here, let me show you. Pull in your stomach. Touching my back bone now. Oh, no, you better let your stomach out. Why? Your pants just went to half mass. Now, I want to show you, it's a contruction of syllables. Now, take a poem like, rubber dub dub, three men in a tub. That's what I'm talking about. Of course, I'm going to ask some questions when I'm in a tub. Who do you think would dare to butcher the bacon to candlestick, mate? Hey, screwball, you're gutting my hair. Shut up, twat. Why did you chop up your stuff? I think I better step outside a few minutes, then. Get a bit of fresh air. Say, red fully, how about singing a beautiful number, Chapel in the Moonlight? All right, red. It is at the pros, and read the chapel in the moon. Candidates around for the summer program. Oh, yes, indeed, there are. There's one gentleman here that we all know, red. None other than that. They won and only known from coast to coast. He has his picture at every post office in the country. Come inside this program entitled, Cozy Little Chats for Nosey Little Darling. Oh, you don't do the Rover, boys, at reform school. Say, just a minute here, have you got a script ready? Oh, a script, script, certainly, certainly. Let's see, where to put that script? Right here in my pocket. Just a minute, my boy, while I look. Radio script, radio script. Here's a letter from a Georgia boy doing five at Atlanta. Doing five at Atlanta, five. Oh, well, one of my drawings, a hangnail sketch of a hangman's nose. Lines are a bit shaky. I sketched them while riding a fast moving rail out of town. Yes, indeed, a little pamphlet on how to remove tar and feathers. Comes in very handy times. And a punch board. Punch board, you wouldn't care to throw a left hook at it, would you? No, no, come on, where's the radio? All right, take it easy, carrot top, I'll find a scissor can. Let's see, I got here pocket knife with attachments, including a hacksaw, gemmy, black jack and a glass cutter. Handy little tool. Wonder what this knife blade is for. Click on that, I have an interesting book on how to start a fire by Arson Well. It has a magnet, a pocket comb with buck teeth. A check for short bair. Well, well, imagine that, no radio script. Must have left it at the board meeting. Nice chaps on that parole board. Must go back and get it. Hope I remember the name I gave him. Funny how I go through life making an alias out of myself. Hey, I'm lucky that guy didn't talk me into spending my vacation at Leavenworth. A lady's in judgment for those who've tuned in late. This is not we the people. What's the difference, as long as you wild the people? Now they're starting to jump out and behind gag. Now don't tell me you've got a program to replace this one. Sightly. Sure. With hypnotism. Well, there's no tea leaves around here. This is the Avalon cigarette program. So I'm reading The Ashes. Now that hypnotism sounds like something interesting for the listeners. Say, put me in a trance so that I can have a preview of what I could expect on a vacation. Up in the Northwood some place. Okay. Just tell yourself where you want to go and so soon you're in the sentence, I'll have you in a trance some. Look, I wanna dream about a vacation up in the Northwood. Look me in the eye if you'll be so kindly. Which is the good one? The other one. Well, look, I like to get about a hundred miles away from radio, from friends, from the radio. Look me in the eye. My friends, and those scripts. Unleashed it, boy! Oh, boy, all alone up in the Northwoods at last. No radio cast to rip me, no Stooges to heckle me. Perfectly quiet. Boy, this is the life. See, what shall I fix to eat? Short ribs, Stooged tomatoes, skeleton, corn, a dice of ham, and heckleberry pie. Yeah. Who said that? I could have sworn I heard a voice. Oh, it's probably just some hangover from a blood test. Yes, by the time though, I was going to ask myself a very serious question. I bet you give a silly answer. Yeah. Say, that sounded like that. No, it couldn't be. Let's see, what was the question I was going to ask myself? Oh, yeah. What is a radio comedian anyhow? A screwball whose mind suddenly went blank. Yeah. That's Roger's voice, or I'm a monkey's uncle? Hello, Uncle Red. Yeah. Now I'm a monkey. That ain't possible. Don't tell me that I've forgotten those Borderville days. I'm a radio comedian. I'm having one of those radio nightmares. No, I'll pinch myself and wake up. Oh, watch who you're pinching. Oh, you're getting jittery. I'll take this gun, go out and hunt some deers. Say, is that a deer over there? Well, that ain't a bullmose. Bet those are just echoes. Sure, that's what they are. I'm standing on the edge of Echo Canyon. I think I'll try out a few echoes. Hello, hello. How are you? How are you? Borderville. Borderville. Guy, she even Borderville coming back. It can't be. My mind's wandering. I'm losing my mind. No. Coming. Not enough sleep, writing scripts. That's what's doing it. I can't take it. Voices, heckling, stooges. Every time I open my mouth. Telegram for Mr. Scalvin. Telegram for Mr. Scalvin. Hey, Scalvin, hey, Scalvin, hey, Scalvin. You never get it, they cost you less. Good heavens, the old town. Where did he go? Well, well, well. Here's a telegram. What? Here's a telegram for you. Well, gee, where am I? Oh, gee, I must have dozed off to sleep there. Boy, what a dream I just had. Well, here's a telegram for you from the radio critic. Radio critics? Let's see what it says. It says, don't take a vacation, Scalvin. We need you for the hot summer months because you're the only man in radio who always leaves his audience cold. Ladies and gentlemen, it's just like finding money when you switch to Avalon cigarettes. You see, Avalons cost three to five cents less than other popular price brands. And that repeated saving of three to five cents on every pack of cigarettes you smoke turns into many, many dollars in a very short time. And remember this. It's extra money you'd never have otherwise. But without knowing, you'd never guess they cost you less. Because you get this money-saving economy in Avalons as an extra. Their quality cannot be surpassed by any other cigarette, regardless of price, regardless of brand. Avalons are made from the very finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos that grow. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Avalons are cigarettes that are long on quality, short on cost. Try a fact tonight. Well, I guess that's about all for the... Hey, what's this, Del? It's just a blank piece of paper. Well, how about that? We haven't got any finish to the show. What, no finish to the show? Well, well, imagine that. No finish to the show. Thought I had one in my pocket. Yes! Well, maybe you could use this for a finish. Can of varnish. Wonderful finish. Yeah. That finish is all right. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. See you next week. Remember, friends, during the week when you ask for Avalons... Don't forget your change. You'd never guess. But Avalons cost only 10 cents, plus city or state tax. Next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. The characters of Horatio K. Boomer and the Old Timer were portrayed by Bill Thompson through the courtesy of the makers of Johnson's Wax. Del King speaking. Good night. And this program is from the second film. This is the National Broadcasting...