 Okay, Mr. Asmodeus, what makes you think you would be a good fit for our villain position? I have seen cities fall, empires burn, kings and lords have groveled at my feet begging for mercy, and I have adorned the walls of my keep with their corpses, all who face me shall perish. Mutilated corpses? I like it. So you have your own army already? Yes, legions of undead stand at my beck and call, commanded by my conquered servants who flock to my side in order to avoid meeting the fate of those foolish enough to challenge me. Hmm, we'll need HR to take a look at that before you can bring it to the workplace. How do you assure their loyalty? Loyalty? Yes, how do you make sure that the not-undead guys actually want to follow you and aren't secretly working with your enemies? Secretly? What? Are you insane? They fear my wrath far too much to ever consider betraying me. Okay, I'll let management know. Are all of your minions magically connected to you so that if you're killed, they'll all die as well? Of course! How else would I do it? You would be surprised some Dark Lords act like they want to win or something. And what's your motivation for all your evil acts? Motivation? Yes, why do you want to amass power? Because I love power! Yes, but what are you planning to do with power once you have it? Magic is power! Armies are power! Fear is power! Power is power! Right, we'll call you for a follow-up if we decide you're what we're looking for. Next! This seat is uncomfortable. This shouldn't take too long, mister. Your name is Asmodeus II? King Asmodeus, Marinus, Decimus, Quintus I? King of all the sun shines upon? Lord of the men and the beasts? High commander of the army and despot of the heavens? Yeah, alright. On your resume, you wrote that you weren't the heir to the throne. How did you achieve your current status? I spent years clawing my way to power in the old king's court, biding my time until I could strike. Then one day I broke into the throne room with a bunch of soldiers and killed everyone. It was my most brilliant plan ever. How did you ensure that his family won't come back to overthrow you? I sent a loyal subject to kill the king's children when they fled. I trust him. It's impossible that he would have taken pity on them and lied to me when he reported their deaths. And how are you planning on handling succession? I'll give the throne to my evil son. How do you know he's properly evil? We get candidates like you in here now and again. Sometimes their sons secretly resent them and fall in love with the girl who is the true heir to the throne before aiding her and the rebellion. My son would never resent me. I made sure to kill all his friends who were disloyal to me. They didn't have a chance to infect him with their thoughts of sedition. Killed friends. And how do you deal with rebellion? Killed the rebels. And a bunch of innocents just to send a message. And you aren't afraid that'll cause resentment? Any who resent me will be executed. Execution is the solution to all political obstacles, you know? Alright, sounds good. We'll call you for the next interview as soon as we can. Next, nice to meet you. Is every villain candidate named Asmodeus? It's pronounced as Medeus. I don't give a shit. Why do you think you'd make a good villain? I like killing people. Why? It brings me pleasure to watch the fear in their eyes before I make their hearts stop beating. Yes, but why? What made you this way? Do you have a tragic backstory? I never really thought about it before. I suppose I act this way because my father was very reserved and never openly expressed affection for me. Or maybe it's the magical necklace that I wear and causes voices to scream inside my head. Ooh, you have opportunity for a redemption arc? Good to know, good to know. Do you have any experience hunting down chosen ones? Yep, I was sent to kill one by the Dark Lord Asmodeus. You weren't giving the orders? You went personally? Yep, but I failed in the end. Hmm. Okay, you might be better suited for a position as an evil lieutenants than a primary antagonist. Have you put any thought into that? Look dude, I just want to kill people. Can I do that at this job? We usually prefer our villains make their minions do all the work until the final confrontation with the chosen one. Maybe I can be the one to change that. Maybe. Thank you for your time. Have a lovely day. Next. Hey look, your name is Asmodeus. Do you all need the Dark Circles? What Dark Circles? Never mind. Your resume says you're a god. What kind of god are you? A god of evil of course. That doesn't make sense. How do you define evil? Evil is evil. Killing, raping, pillaging, going on 4chan, you know that sort of thing? I would agree that those actions are immoral, but the idea of what constitutes evil actions is a question that's baffled philosophers for thousands of years. You don't think that killing people is evil? I think that killing people without just cause is immoral, but violence itself is morally neutral. It can be used for good purposes such as defending yourself for others, and it can be used for bad purposes such as pillaging a village and taking their resources. But even that raises more questions. Like would it be acceptable to take a village as resources if it's the only way to prevent your own community from starving? Or is it acceptable to kill someone as revenge for previous unjustified acts? You don't think that there are evil people out there? I think that the word evil is silly and rarely reflects reality. Even the worst serial killers and dictators in history thought they were acting in a moral manner, which seems to suggest that the very idea of morality is completely subjective, derived from one's own personal experiences and cultural context. Uh... If you take a utilitarian view on things, then you'd want to maximize happiness for the largest number of people. So evil would be maximizing misery for the largest number of people. Are you an anti-utilitarian? I... I'm not sure anymore. I take it you're not the sort of villain to discuss philosophy with the heroes. Well, I am, but I usually just talk about how meaningless life is with the understanding of a 14-year-old that read Friedrich Nietzsche's Wikipedia page summary. Well, in that case, I don't think you're what we're looking for. Try out for an anime. They love that shit. So, Asmodeus. Hey, you're a woman. Yes, and that's why I think I'd be the perfect villain for your story. After all, how often does epic fantasy have a female antagonist? Not very often. You can probably thank the fifth sorceress for that. Sometimes one will be a lieutenant to the bad guy, though. Exactly. I'll be so evil and over-the-top that your audience will love to hate me, and I'll stand out in a crowded market. Our setting is pretty misogynistic, though. Women are generally seen as plot devices rather than characters in their own right. How will you justify your rise to power? Oh, there's no need for that. The audience won't question it. Yeah, okay. So, uh, what's your motivation? I want to have sex with the chosen one. That's your whole motivation? Yep. Do you think that would be a convincing reason to burn down his village and try to take over the world? Yep. And you think that killing his family will make him want to have sex with you? Yep. Why do you want to have sex with him so badly? His social awkwardness when it comes to women is endearing. It works great as wish fulfillment for the author and readers alike. Social awkwardness and sexual inexperience makes you horny? Yes. Haven't you been paying attention? You're hired. So it gets more popular, you know. That really helps me a lot too. And, uh, yeah, that's all. See you next time. Bye.