 The Fire and Rubber Company, world's largest manufacturer of low pressure tires, presents another houndrel of music and entertainment, Jack Benny. The orchestra opens at 24 hours in Georgia. And now for the last time on this General Tire series, I present to you that star of stage, screen, radio, hotel lobby, and the street corners, Mr. Jack Benny. The fine introduction, Don, street corners. All I can say, ladies and gentlemen, is that the football season is now on, and I wish that I were a tackle, and Don Wilson was coming my way with the ball. Oh, you're kidding, Jack. No, I'm not. Well, you know that my own racket is football, and every year when the football season starts, my blood begins to tingle. Yeah, Don, where'd you play football? With the U of C. You don't say. Sure, well, I remember my third year in college, I made 23 touchdowns. Hmm, 23. Yes, and in my last year, I made 34 touchdowns, but not today, Jack. No, Don, today you just make touches. In fact, on this program, they call you Touch Don. All right, Jack. All right, go. All right, stick to the routine. Did you ever play football? Well, I carried a few pig skins in my day. I know you worked in a slaughterhouse, but did you ever play football? Sure, I played football. Listen, I used to work right alongside a red grain. Oh, the same team? No, the same ice wagon. But no kidding, Don, I played a lot of football in my college days. Well, I didn't know that you were a university man. What college did you attend, Jack? The U of I.C. I.C.? Yes, international correspondence. And you played football on a correspondence school team. Sure, Don, I used to send in some great forward passes by mail. Well, I remember one day we needed a Touch Down to win, and I sent it in by air mail. Did that win the game? No, I only put a 3 cent stamp on it, and it came back. Oh, that's good. Frank Parker's my name, remember? Oh, yes, surely. And speaking of football, you know I played on the U of L? Oh, good old Leavenworth, huh? What year, Parker? What year? 24, 25, 26, 27. All right, all right. What brought you to that college? Penmanship. Oh, forgery, that's a great study. Tell us something about your football. Well, one day I grabbed the ball and ran 600 yards for a touchdown. He must have been a big field. Oh, yes, I ran right through the woods, and the whole team came after me. But they couldn't get the ball away. Why not? It was chained to my ankle. Oh, Frank, you should have gone to Princeton. That never would have happened, you know. Hey, Jack, I haven't said anything yet. But we're speaking of football after all that's out of your line. It is. You don't think I went to Vassar to learn crocheting, do you? All right, Mary, tell us about your football experiences. Well, one day we were playing Bryn Mawr. You mean that girl's college near Philadelphia? Yes, and what a game. More than 70,000 people didn't show up. Oh, what a game. What was the score, Mary? It was the last quarter. Vassar had 14, and Bryn had more. Oh, and that's only the first show. The more I get it, I get it, yes. Then Miss Sarah Maloney, their half-bassist, threw the ball to their quarter-bassist, but I intercepted the ball. What does intercepted mean? What's the difference as long as you're healthy? Oh. So I started to run for good old Vassar and went for a touchdown. 20 yards, 30 yards, 40 yards, 50 yards. Yes. And what yards all with garden? Mary, Mary, wait a minute. This is a half-hour program. That's what I'm worried about. Oh. Anyway, I kept running. Nobody could stop me, and I finally crossed the ball. And you scored a touchdown? No, I looked around, and to my surprise, I didn't have the ball. Not to my surprise, though. Mary, how could you forget the ball? Well, I did the running. I can't think of everything. Listen, I'll bet if you played polo, you'd forget the horse. Yes, if it was water polo. Oh, I was just going to say play down, but I thought maybe you'd have something to say about football, eh? Well, I never played exactly, but I was coach. General Tyre. Coach on General Tyre? Me, I was chassis on the same team. Well, and here we are together. What are we waiting for? Rickety Rack. Rickety Rack. Hunter Kazook. Kazook. Kazack. General Tyre. La, la, la. Zero boxes. It's boom box. Play down, and I don't mean football. Well, I was down, Bessler, and his Connecticut quarterback playing Valencia. And now tonight, folks. Oh, yes. We are going. Yes, Mary. Do you mind if I get off early tonight? Why? Where are you going? You remember Burt Wheeler, the movie star who came up here two weeks ago? Yes. Well, I have a date with him tonight. We're going to a dance. Are you sure you have a date with Wheeler? Certainly. I made it myself. Well, what's your hurry? I mean, where's Wheeler? Sitting right out there waiting for me. Where? In the third row. The fellow yawning. Oh, he must be thinking of some other program, I guess. Hello, Burt. Hi, Jack. Come on up here a minute. Oh, no. Not tonight. Oh, come on, fellas. Drag him up. Will you? No, I don't want to. What's the matter with you, Burt? Let's don't be bashful. Not tonight, Jack. You see, I'm waiting for Mary. What are you afraid of? I mean, Faith, I'm not going to hurt you. Yeah, you're not going to do me any good either. Oh. Now, look, Jack, this is my first night off, and I prefer to be incognito. What's incognito, Jack? Well, Mary, incognito is when a fellow doesn't want to be known and hires four publicity men to advertise it. You know. Yeah, there you go. I'm getting in again. I'll see you later, Mary. Now, come here, Burt. Look, I'm only kidding. Look, Mary, incognito is, well, when I travel to Europe, I travel incognito. Incognito must mean spirit. That's good. See, you're right at home, Burt. See, you got your laugh. Come on. Just say a word to the folks, Jill. I can't, Jack. You see, my business is pictures, and my contract with RKO doesn't permit me to broadcast. But how will they know it? Look, I'll call you John Smith. Now, look, Jack, here's my contract. Section four, clause three, it says, party of the first part while making pictures must not broadcast. Be seen in a limousine with garbo. Or be called John Smith. Oh, well, you know, Burt, that's funny. I have some peculiar causes in my radio contract. Now, look here, section five, it says, Jack Denny, while broadcasting, must not drink, smoke, or eat garlic. Isn't that funny? Yeah. Well, if my nose isn't kitten, you broke that last clause. That's wrong. It's a fine fact, isn't it? Well, I'll see you later, Jack. Oh, look, come here, Burt. Don't run away. Listen, Burt. I meant to ask you something the other night. You know, you make all your pictures with Woolsey, don't you? Will we learn Woolsey? Yeah. Are you two fellas married? No. No, we're just partners. I mean, nobody understands me. But I mean, in all the pictures you two fellas make, it's all comedy. I don't ever see you play any love scenes. Well, how would I look hugging Woolsey? I suppose Laurel and Hardy have the same trouble. Well, yeah, yeah. Well, so long, Jack. See you later. Thanks, Burt, for coming up. Mary, you know what kills me, these big movie stars like Wheeler? I mean, what's Burt Wheeler got that I haven't got? Well, he's got a nice set of teeth. All right, I can get a set just like it for my dentist. I know, Jack, but he has sex appeal, too. Get that from your dentist, Jack. Play, Don. He put that line in himself. And now, Frank Parker, our juvenile tenor will sing The Moon Was Yellow. Say, Jack, what is it that you've got that I haven't got? I don't know what. The five dollars you borrowed. Get that from your dentist. I'll sing, Frank. I'll sing The Moon Was Yellow. Oh, Don, take the microphone with you. I'm going to be busy for a little while. Well, Don, you know, this is our last program in this series, and I'm giving a little blowout tonight. Oh, wait a minute. No blowouts on the general tire program. All right, then, banquet. What's the difference? Who's coming over, Jack? Everybody, Don. In fact, the who's who. To help me marry, you help, too. And, Parker, you be the waiter. I wonder if that chef got here yet. I am here, Mr. Bunny. Well, I'm glad you got here. Now, listen, chef, we're having a big party up here tonight. I sent out 20 patients, so I expect about 185 deaths. We didn't miss you all. Mm-hmm. If he's a Frenchman, then my name is equipoise. Now, look, I want a nice dinner. Let's have hors d'oeuvres, consomme de la julienne, filet à casserole, pomme d'itura gratin, nuts à la brasilhienne, and a demi-goudtassi. What does that mean, in English? Oh, a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee. Oui, monsieur. Now, just a minute. I expect some classy people here. Where did you work as a chef before? Slappy Joe's and the greasy vest. Hmm, I was worried. Well, I was worried. Well, get busy. Bester, you'll have your arches to stand by for a little dance music, won't you? Oui, oui, monsieur. Monsieur? And Parker, maybe you'll entertain us with a song or two. Oui, oui, monsieur. That would be an insult, folks, that he's speaking French. Looks like our guests are arriving. Here come six crazy limousines. Mary, you go to the door and greet them. I'll get things ready. Why doesn't Parker go to the door? He's got to watch the silverware. Oh, Bester, you empty your bottle in the punch bowl. See, I'll pay it back tomorrow. I haven't got a corkscrew. Use the general tire. That has the corkscrew grip. Ah, they're here. Open the door, Mary, will you? Don, liven up the place a little bit. You know, a little excitement. Good evening, folks. Step right in. Good evening. How do you do? Where's your invitation, please? Right here. Uh, check your clothes and hats. I've got to make a living, too. No rackets, Mary. No rackets, you know. Come right in, folks. Invitation, please. Here you are. Who are they, Mary? I don't know. What does it say on the invitation? Uh, Simpson's pawn shop. Over code $8. Oh, the Simpsons. The Simpsons, of course. I used to play hockey with them. Hockey watchies? Make yourselves at home, folks. Answer the bell, Mary. They're coming in fast. Right this way. Is this the general tire banquet? Yes. Invitation, please. Here you are. Who are they, Mary? Mr. and Mrs. J. Non-Skiddington Moore with a silent safety tread. Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Tread, of course. Come right in. When do we eat? That's what I'm worried about. Ah, here comes someone else, then. Well, well, how do those friends, huh? What's going on here? Uh, what can I do for you, sir? I found an invitation for a banquet. Is this the right place? Uh, this is the Jack Benny General Tire Banquet. Sir, it looks like a very fancy evening. I think I'll stay. Come right in, come right in. Uh, hello, Jack. You remember me? Well, your face is familiar. Slapperman is the name. Oh, Slapperman, sure. I met you on a train coming down from Falkipsey. Likewise. Well, well, well, tell me, uh, tell me, Mr. Slapperman, uh, how's your wife? Don't spoil my evening, please. Hi, Dave. Well, uh, how did you get away? Oh, that was easy. I told my wife I was going to play poker with the boys. Oh, poker, eh? Yeah. Listen, Mr. Benny, will you do me a favor? What? Lend me $10 so I can tell my wife that I won. Borrowed ten from her tell of the card remark, didn't she? Mary, Mary, see who that is, wouldn't it? Come right in. Who is it, Mary? Uh, Mr. John Smith. Oh, Bert Wheeler. Well, come right in, Bert. I can't, Jack. You see my contract... Never mind what that contract. Will you come here, Bert, Bert? I want you to meet Mr. Slapperman. Mr. Slapperman, Mr. Wheeler. What he got the dying got. Hey, wait a minute. That's Bert Wheeler. That's Bert Wheeler, the movie star. Oh, well, I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Wheeler. Have you got a cigar? Say, you're thinking of Woolsey. Woolsey, Smallsey, I'll take a cigarette. Likewise. Oh, you too, eh? Hey, well, let's get started. It's getting late. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you all to sit down and enjoy yourselves. We're going to eat soon. Mary, put the knives and porcs on the table. I did. Hmm, gone already. Well, folks, you'll have to eat with your fingers. I don't want to hurt you. Garceau, garceau. Hey, Parker, the boss wants you. Yeah, bring in the soup. I got it right here, boss. The soup on my dress. Don't worry, madam. We have plenty of soup. He'll get you another bowl. Oh, but how about my dress? Look at that sting. You had that when you came in. Hey, hey, just a minute, waiter. There's a hair in my soup. A what? You again, hair, hair. What's on my, what's on my head? Nothing. It's in your soup. You're right. Get the crack on the plate. Oh. That's great, sir. Say, Don. Don, how about having the boys play a hot number while we're eating, you know? Okay, Jack. All right, folks. On with the soup. On with the stress. Mr. Gregg, would you mind passing that tall shaker? Tall shaker? That's my engagement ring. Pardon me. Play, Don. Play. I'm livin' up the party. That was love. Curarache, is that thing? See, I nearly choked over that. Played by Don Bestner and his orchestra. Hey, waiter, please. They take away these two plates. How about the steak? We have no steak. This is embarrassing. What's in the kitchen? Just an axe. Well, then bring us some chops. Well, folks, the longer the meat isn't ready. We'll have our after-dinner speeches before dinner. We should have gone to child. And I think first, we ought to have a toast by Don Wilson. Come on, Don. Come on, Don. Come on, Don. Thank you, Jack. Thank you, Jack. Here's to the good old automobile buyer. Here's to the man that uses the general tire. Here's to the silent safety tread. He's been waving like that for 26 weeks, but he's right. Now, our first speaker this evening will be that eminent, eminent, eminent orchestra leader of the general tire program in 26 weeks, I said prior. I'm right in the general tire program, Mr. Don Bester. Don, have you a word for us? No, but the squirrels have. That was awfully good. And now we will hear from that charming little personality, the surely temple of the air, but a bit older, Ms. Mary Livingston. Mary. Hi, Mary. Uh, guest of honor, ladies and gentlemen, Waders, Kivacers, and Jack Bennett. I didn't expect to be called upon tonight, so I came prepared. I have been associated for the past 26 weeks with Jack Benny on the general tire program. I have stuck with him through thick and thin. He got thick and I got thin. It has been a very pleasant 26 weeks, and Jack, all I can say is, Labor Day, all Labor Day, you come to... Mary fell off the chair, folks, but the play must go on. I didn't think they'd strike a lady. Now how about a word from both we... Ladies and gentlemen, my contract does permit... All the contract. To say that I have known Jack Benny for a good many years, and circumstances haven't changed them. Thank you very much. 15 years ago, Jack and I played one night stands together, all around this country, and the papers come out and said we were both a couple of bums. Here it is 15 years later, and Jack hasn't changed a bit. Thank you, Bert. That eulogy brought tears to my eyes. And after this program, I'll bring a few to yours. It's a thanks, Jack. Yeah. And now just a word from Frank Parker. What have you got to say, Frank? Yippee! That's enough. And now we will hear from that great citizen and honored leader of his community, Mr. J. D. Witt Slapperman. Well, my fellow people, Dear Savannah, ladies and gentlemen, and so further, honored, accustomed as I am to public eating, I would like to make a special speech in honor of the picked up chairman, Mr. Jack Benny. Here, here, here. 40 years ago, I came here from the Kentucky mountains. I was a hillbilly. But they called me Sam. Am I bothering you? Yes, but go ahead. And this occasion reminds me of Abraham Lincoln's famous Hilsburg address. That's Gettysburg. Gettysburg. Thank you, thank you. Hilsburg. Thank you, thank you. And her six bills will set up all the world of stage, but thank heaven, thank heaven, Jack Benny's on the radio. And for them all, what does he got that I ain't got? I've got this. The same thing happened to me. Yeah. Oh, Jack, Jack, here's the telegram. Thanks, Don. Oh, it's from the telegram, Bill O'Neill, president of the General Tire and Rubber Company. Well, Jack Benny, care of NBC Studios New York. Gee, you read it, Wilson, will you? You know, it's embarrassing. All right, Jack. It says Jack Benny, care of NBC Studios New York. Except for your interference on these programs, Don Wilson could have told our audience much more about our new corkscrew tire. I see. You insist that the show's the thing. And on that score, I want to compliment you and the cast on 26 weeks of fine entertainment. Until we resume these programs next March, you will be broadcasting for General Foods. The only connection between General Foods and General Tires is that we eat their products and they wear ours. You have to live to be able to eat. So the more people we put on General Tires, the more customers we keep for General Foods. Signed W. O'Neill, president General Tire and Rubber Company. Well, all I can say is on behalf of the entire cast, I want to thank you, Mr. O'Neill, the General Tire and Rubber Company, the National Broadcasting Company, our listening audience for a most pleasant season on the air. And I'm glad to know that we will be with you again. Thank you very, very much. Play down. Well, folks, good night. And we'll be with you again on Sunday night, October 14th. I hope you'll all be listening in. Thank you. This is the National Broadcasting Company. W-E-A-F, New York.