 So again, making a promise he can't keep. So one of the reasons men pull back or go silent is because they, okay, let's talk about why men go silent rather than speak up. So since my audience is predominantly those in the early stages of dating and relationships, and what I mean is they're in the dating process or the early stages of a relationship. I'm here to acknowledge that the dating process today is rather dysfunctional. It's incredibly dysfunctional. And because I don't believe humans were designed to experience mating with these devices, I really don't believe we were designed this way. I mean, think about this for thousands, hundreds of thousands of years, mating was based on proximity. Meaning we met people that were right in our purview, right in our visual acuity, or at least we're in our tribe, our village, our town, or even the workplace. So now what's happened is we are meeting total strangers and we know so little about them that it makes it very difficult for people to feel a level of trust with each other. And now with the, going back to the dating apps or just the, you know, I was trying to send a text message earlier today and I had some complex thoughts in my head. And I'm like, how do I send this complex thought with my thumbs? And so I actually use voice recording, but think about this from a communication standpoint. Given that 80, 90% of communication is non-verbal, we humans weren't designed to communicate with our thumbs in a way that, but think about this even before smartphones 10 years ago, at least we typed. And I used to be able to type, you know, quite a bit 50 or plus, well, probably I could only type 30 or 40 words a minute. Some people could type 100 plus words a minute and they could communicate their thoughts and feelings in a much more rapid pace. And while I see millennials go at it with their thumbs like this, we weren't designed to communicate this way. And coming back to what I shared earlier about meeting total strangers, we don't feel a level of trust. So, you know, when you think about speaking up, you know, it requires a level of trust with another person. And yet these days, most people are rushing into a relationship so fast that they haven't even built the roots to trust to actually feel safe enough to communicate. And then add these devices and to add to this equation, the expectation of instantaneous communication, instantaneous communication. I know when I got married, which was, I mean, by the way, I'm divorced, but when I got married, which I believe was 30 years ago this year, you know, I mean, I might talk to my wife in the morning and when I came home, there was barely any communication in between the day and now in relationships, there's this expectation of incessant communication. And I know for men, that can be a rather challenging. Now, many of you might have heard someone like John Gray said, the reason why men go silent is when their testosterone levels are down, whether it's after sex, after a workout, after a stressful day that they don't wanna talk, okay? Now, that's certainly partly what happens. I mean, that's kind of what happens. I'm actually gonna go deeper than the surface. So that's the top, you know, when you see an iceberg, there's the tip, right? That's the tip, the testosterone piece. What we're gonna talk about is below the surface why a man might go silent rather than speak up. And I think when you understand this, when you understand something, you can predict behavior and when you can predict behavior, you can make better choices. And let me just say this, because I am so against the feminine energy rhetoric that you just lean back when the guy goes silent and just go live your life. Do you know how hard it is to actually stop caring for someone and go live your life? Do you know, when you've invested your heart to another human being to just be told cavalierly, well, just go live your life and he may or may not come back and that's okay? To me, that's bullshit. If someone goes silent on you, then my first reaction is create, didn't get on the fucking horn and go, what the hell is going on in your life? Now, I'm not in a combative way. I'm suggesting, I'm saying it to you in this rhetoric but I'm not suggesting you go combative. I'm saying, ask what's going on. You can simply say, hey, I've noticed you've gone silent. Are you okay? Can you let me know you're okay? At least make some effort rather than what you've been told is go live your life and he's gonna watch you so excited on your life because he's following you on Instagram that he's gonna naturally gravitate towards you. From my perspective, that's bullshit. This is one of the reasons why I beg on feminine energy coaching because it's designed to put you in princess mode. It's designed to put you in a passive or subordinate role and I'm trying to encourage a more empowered role in your life. So let's explore some of the reasons why a man might go silent rather than speak up. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and I'm gonna take out my notes. Boom, boom, boom. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And I can see people are already agreeing with me. So one of the things I've noticed in the dating realm today is the, and in fact, I did a poll on this, but I believe a lot of people are dating are connecting with people because they're feeling a level of loneliness and a level of depression, a level of loneliness and depression. And certainly this was certainly heightened during the beginning phases of COVID or at least that first year of COVID here in the United States being shut down and they were shut down all over the world. But there was a level of loneliness and depression. So this caused a lot of people to bombard these devices, to bombard, bumble, and tinder, and hinge, and all the different websites so they can feel a connection with another human being. And I believe it was for, it was actually a form of self-medication, self-medication. In fact, I can say that for myself even after my divorce, which was 15 years ago, I started online dating as a way to self-medicate because I was feeling so miserable because the tapestry of my life just fell apart and I needed some sense of connection with another human being. And I noticed this is true of men and women as well that the vast majority, by the way, I heard recently and don't quote me on this, but in 1950, roughly 22% of the population was single here in the United States. And as of three years ago, that number was closer to 55% of the population single. Now, I'm assuming when they say single, that could be people in relationships, but they're not married, but think about that. There is a huge percentage of people are single and these dating apps, do you know these dating apps are designed to keep you on the apps? I watched a documentary about this, not the Tinder swindler, another documentary about how the algorithm looks at who you swipe to send you people like what you like. So, but some of these people aren't even on the dating site. So can you see how traumatized human beings can be men and women alike? And so they're feeling a level of loneliness and depression and then even the dating process can heighten this even more so to make us feel not good enough, not lovable and not likable. So, sure we can blame it on someone's testosterone levels go down, but let's look at the more important layers below what's really causing someone to go silent and not speak up. So loneliness and depression is number one. Number two, a significant percentage of the population is only dating from a place of spending time with someone and not growing with someone. Let me repeat that spending time with someone and not growing with someone. And that's a big thing that we have to distinguish this because this is really important. A significant number of people men and women alike are seeking a little bit of companionship, a little bit of connection and a little bit of sex. And if they get a little bit of companionship, a little bit of connection, a little bit of sex during the week, not a lot of regular could be once a week, maybe once other week. They feel a level of content. They're good at spending time with someone. Then there's other people like myself who genuinely want to grow with someone. They genuinely want to feel that level of chemistry, to feel that level of communication like you're talking to your best friend, to feel that level of compatibility where your lives blend together, to feel that level of character, meaning your values are similar to one another. To feel that level of building the roots to trust. And I talk about this in my private coaching, building the roots to trust. By the way, there's a link below to get a schedule, a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Because I think it's really important to understand the roots to trust. And I'm not talking about just that trust of, do I trust monogamy and exclusivity and non-infidelity. I'm talking about the trust of, can I trust that this person cares about my feelings as much as they care about their own feelings. And by the way, this is vice versa as well. So we see this significant percentage of the population that's mostly looking to spend time with someone and not actually growing with someone, not actually building a relationship with someone. Ladies, this is why if you're in that category like me, where you want to build a life with someone, then let me just say this before the penis goes inside the vagina, read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. By the way, there's a link below to Jonathan recommends books. I highly recommend this book before you begin investing in the wrong person because a significant percentage of, and by the way, this is true of women. I know so many women that all they're capable of is spending time with someone and not actually growing with someone. And why is this critically important? Because when you only want to spend time with someone and not grow with them, then you're not building the roots of trust to feel emotionally safe to actually speak up. So what happens is people go silent, men in particular go silent. And number three, one of the primary reasons why men go silent has nothing to do with testosterone is they don't want to make promises they can't keep. They don't want to make promises that can't keep. What I mean to say is men will not, listen, we'll come on strong to get laid. By the way, myself included. I'm a red-blooded male. When I'm feeling excitement for someone, I do tend to come on strong. It's limerence, it's lust. It's not love bombing. I mean, I'm not going overboard because I do know when to apologize. But what I mean to say, let me reframe that. I do know when there's a boundary from a woman and it's important to listen to that boundary. A love bomber doesn't do that. But we men, and myself included, are driven by the sexual peace. So what the promise we can't keep is creating an environment of emotional intimacy or safety because we're not ready for it. In fact, a significant number of men who are not ready to go deeper in relationship because they're probably because they have unhealed wounds, childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas that makes it difficult for them to lean into a relationship. So they don't wanna make any promises they can't keep. Now, I don't mean the promise of monogamy and exclusivity. I'm talking about emotional intimacy, emotional intimacy. And because once a woman is feeling a level of feelings for another person, we feel the sense of your attachment. So what I'm really saying, the promise we can't keep is we don't wanna overly show our feelings if we don't actually feel them. And I know this goes against all the rhetoric you hear and are partially because guys come on strong. So it makes it sound like they have feelings. They say things like, oh my God, you're so amazing. You're not like anyone I've ever met. How many times have you heard that from a guy? Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe three times. I've probably said it a few times in my life. You're, oh my God, you're unlike anyone I met. And then I wasn't interested in them because it was because the chemical cocktail of dopamine and testosterone was dripping through my body that made me think I had feelings for a person because I hadn't developed that level of trust. So again, making a promise you can't keep. So one of the reasons men pull back or go silent is because they don't wanna make a promise of feelings that they can't live up to. Number four, men, you know, a significant percentage of the population has weak emotional skills and weak relationship skills. If you're not familiar with my chart, emotional maturity relationship skills chart, by the way, this is not a fact, it's an opinion, but I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. And while I say over here, 20% is healthy, I'm being rather generous with that 20% because everybody else, most everybody's in the dysfunctional category. And when you're dysfunctional in your relationship skills, that means you're dysfunctional in your communication skills because most humans don't know how to truly articulate their feelings in a way to be seen, heard, and understood. This is why I continually recommend the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Why do I talk about these books over and over and over again? Because if you want to get better at this, you have to learn because most of us have been adopted with the idea that chemistry equals relationship success. And what's interesting, I'm reading a new book by Neil Clark Warren. He's the guy who started, the book is called Two Dates or Less. And I'm just starting to read this so I can't endorse it yet, but why I'm reading this book is he's the guy who started eHarmony and he believes that when you take compatibility and match it with chemistry, watch out. In fact, he claims to have a 97% success rate for his marriages. And by the way, some people think he's a nut job. Some people think the website is crap. I'm not here to endorse that, but what I am endorsing is the understanding that chemistry doesn't equal success. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, just like I was sharing before, below the surface, above the surface is chemistry. That's the first thing we see and that's where we feel a level of traction. But true compatibility is shared values, blendable lifestyles and that emotional maturity. And as you start checking the boxes, the waterline of attraction begins to go further and further and you feel more and more attracted to a person that you share the same values, your lifestyles are blendable and you're feeling a level of emotional maturity because weak emotional and relationship skills is why most people go silent or they do the opposite which women tend to do when you have weak emotional skills or relationship skills, you vomit your feelings in an incoherent way. I was just listening to a woman in the jacuzzi telling me what she was gonna tell this guy she was dating and the guy and I looked at each other and she, we're just looking at each other going, do you realize you said nothing? All you did was, what, what, what, what, what? From Charlie Brown. She literally was making no coherent sense. That's what a lot of women do. And by the way, men are just as bad at this as well. So what's it gonna take for a man to be able to speak up rather than, you know, then go silent? Folks, it requires building trust in the relationship and the way trust is built is through emotional safety and emotional intimacy. And if you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking getting this book so you can learn emotional intimacy because ultimately, look it, I wanna say this, you have to learn to ask better questions in the beginning and these days, you are better also, not just asking questions before you go on a date, but make sure you check out this person's Google imprint, make sure you look into their life because listen, not to suggest, not to scare you because listen, online dating is the predominant way people are meeting and that's not going to change. Most people aren't meet people in their tribe, village, town or workplace. It's just not happening nearly as much. So this is the venue. And as I said in the beginning of this broadcast, we're meeting total strangers. So what is that gonna require? Asking better questions, checking them out on whether it's Google, do a Google search for someone, don't be naive to this and slow the process down, slow the process down. And if you're with a guy who's slow, then speed the process up, but remember this, men are the gas typically when it comes to sex and you are the brakes and do not have sex with someone until they know you're, do you know how many people have sex, they don't know each other's birth dates, they don't know each other's best friends, they don't know each other's favorite color, they don't know where the person went to high school and yet the penis will fucking go inside the vagina with little or no effort. And so if you wonder why it's a cluster fuck out there, this is a compilation of what's going on. And the only way to shift this story is to begin. First off, study all the books I recommend. Go back and watch some of my other videos. I recommend so many different books so you can become a relationship expert because these days it requires, by the way, and I know you're probably all saying, but ladies, men should be doing this too. I get it, but if they're not doing it, then you're gonna have to lead by example. I have clients telling me over and over again, Jonathan, I listened to your advice before the penis gets to go inside the vagina. I'm making the guy read this book together with me. This is a great way to develop intimacy with someone. And once you start a relationship with someone, I highly recommend reading this book. Where is this book? I highly recommend reading this book. I hear you, a surprisingly simple skill behind extraordinary relationships. This is a brand new book I'm reading. You can read it together. Folks, there's two other books you should be checking out as well. It's don't be naive to this. How to build trust in relationship and couples communication. These are easy books to read and you can do it together. But Jonathan, that is scaring me away. Folks, you wanna overwhelm the wrong guy because the right guy, if you're not familiar with my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Again, there's a link below, selflovethebook.com, little plug. Chapter one, speak your truth, deal with kindness. Chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And I'm so excited because a client just texted me on Valentine's Day to tell me she met her guy and she could tell the difference. And so we were having a conversation and she goes, Jonathan, you won't believe it. We're reading the book, eight dates together. We're watching the movie you recommend. I recommend this, I recommend in my private coaching. I recommend a lot of videos for couples to watch together. And the purpose is, this is what builds intimacy, nut. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Did you have a really good day? Have a blessed day. You know, most people are, by the way, this is why I get so bored with the current dating process because just like you are frustrated with men who are lacking inquisitiveness, I feel the same way. So many of you are unconscious. So I'm shoving this down your throat, these books, because I make you a promise. When you can have faith in yourself and trust in yourself, you actually become a magnetic attractor to what you want. So I invite you all to begin to pray. Now, I don't mean pray to a religious God. I'm talking to God, universe or spirit. I call it Gus. I want you to pray to Gus. I want you to find that space within you that emits, I'm seeking that person that I have chemistry with. I'm seeking that person that we have mutual great communication with one another. I'm seeking that person where we can blend lives together. I'm seeking that person where we can, where we have a level of shared values. And lastly, I'm seeking that person where we can build the level of trust through emotional maturity together. And when I say that person, I say it as a we, we, we, we, we because a we is what's gonna take you to that next level. And that's my invitation for you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please give me an amen. All right. I think you get the gist. Why do guys go silent? It's not just because they're testosterone level drop. Although, hey, when I ejaculate, I do tend to not want to talk. I'm a guy, but at the same time, it's not about testosterone. It's a level of emotional maturity and ultimately emotional safety in a relationship. And it's incumbent upon you all to start doing the social activities, hobbies and mutual interests so you can build the roots to trust that will take it from a person going silent versus a person who's gonna lean into a relationship and you're gonna grow together versus spending time together. Really quickly. If you'd like to schedule a discovery call with me, check out the link below. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out my website. Check out my Instagram. Check out my podcast, the What Would Love Do podcast. Join my mailing list. Share this video with friends. Hit that like button. Please hit that like button right now to let me know so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend. Pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we all use a lot more love in our lives.