 Kraft presents The Great Gilder Sleeve. Hee hee hee. Cheese Company will also bring you Bing Crosby every Thursday night. Present each week at this time Harold Perry as The Great Gilder Sleeve, written by John Whedon and Sam Moore. Sleeve in just a moment. But first, when somebody mentions a food that you haven't tried, do you ask, uh, what does it taste like, or is it nutritious? Well, more and more people are asking both these questions about parquet margarine every day. They've heard that parquet is an outstanding red ration stamp value at only five red ration points a pound, but everybody these days seems to want to know about flavor and about nutrition. Well, flavor is hard to describe, but I can tell you that parquet margarine, like all of Kraft's fine foods, has a quality flavor that's fresh and sweet and deliciously good. Yes, I think your very first taste will convince you that parquet is a truly satisfying spread for bread and an appetizing seasoning for hot vegetables. You'll find that parquet adds real flavor for home baking, too. And it's just about perfect for pan frying. As for nutrition, your government officially encourages the daily use of vitamin fortified margarine, and parquet margarine contains 9,000 units of vitamin A in every pound. What's more, parquet is one of the best energy foods you can serve. So for a real red ration stamp value in flavor and nutrition, serve your family parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine made by Kraft. Now let's join our friend, the Great Gilder Sleeve, who's daily becoming more aware of the fact that in only a couple of weeks, he'll be a married man. And so faced with the imminent prospect of a wedding, a honeymoon, and a life of bliss, we find him hastily putting his affairs in order. To start with, he's called a meeting of his entire staff in the office of the water department. No, Bessie, I want all the chairs to face my chair. I'm going to be the chairman. Everybody faces me. You can sit here at your desk and take notes. Yes, Mr. Commissioner. Well, here comes Uncle Charlie. How's everything out at the reservoir, Charlie? All right, Commissioner. What's all this fiddle paddle I get from that dappy girl about a meeting? Oh, hello there, sugar. I didn't see you. My name is Miss Bard, and I'm not dappy. Okay, have it your way. But let's get at this meeting, Commissioner. I got work to do, and my dad busted pump engine. Yeah, all right, Charlie. Just as soon as we're all here, we'll start. Well, who are we waiting for? Don't tell me I've got a sitting fan myself till Whiney Flynn gets here. Charlie, Whiney Flynn is a member of our staff. He's our official troubleshooter. Troubleshooter makes more trouble than he shoots. He can't get over the idea the way to fix a pipe is to crawl inside of it. Yeah, but he can't. You're a dad hooting. He can't. He can't crawl in a 12-inch pipe anymore than I can. Anymore than you can even. Now, Charlie, trouble with him is he don't know it. Why, two years ago, before you was commissioner, I had to get up in the middle of the dad busted night on a kind of whine. He got stuck halfway into a drain pipe. How'd you get him out? I had to cut him out with a blowtorch. He's been mad at me ever since. Why was he mad? Well, I burned a little teeny hole in his pants. Well, maybe we shouldn't wait for Whiney. He went on a call to the mayor's house. All right, then let's get down to cases. I can't futile away the whole day. It's all right, all right. The meeting will come to order. Now, I shall first state the purpose of this meeting. The purpose is to plan for my honeymoon. That's all, brother. See you later. Charlie, don't misunderstand me. I simply want things to run smoothly while I'm away. That's all. In other words, you and Bessie and Whiney will have to divide up my duties between you. You know what they are, don't you? Well, let's see. The rain falls out of the heavens and runs into the reservoir. Then I see that it's purified and pumped into the mains. Then Whiney sees that it gets to the houses and the girl here sees that the folks pay for it. Mr. Gildersleeve, I ask you, what in tunk it is a water commissioner? Charlie, are you suggesting that I'm a parasite? Parasite, my eye. You're a... Never mind. Let's not get personal here, Charlie. All right, let's wind up this spell and be so I can get back to work. If I don't get some oil in that Jalopy by 11.30, she's likely to blow a gasket. Well, all right, Charlie. Now, just one thing first. I'm going to be married on June 27th, but I'll be back at my desk the 12th of July. Well, then what's all the shooting for? We've got lots of time. Yes, but I want to be sure you'll all function perfectly while I'm away. So I'd like to have a trial period first, starting today. And what do you mean, Mr. Gildersleeve? For one week, we'll all pretend I'm not here, including me. You mean you won't even come to the office? Huh? Oh, yeah. Might make it more realistic. Do you understand the plan now, Charlie? Oh, sure. Okay. And the meeting is adjourned and I'm gone for the week. All right, so long, commissioner. Wait a minute, Charlie. What? I'm in a hurry, Dad. Pust it. Never mind. I just want to warn you to get out your Sunday suit and take it out of the mothballs because on June 27th, I want you to come to my wedding. Wedding? Oh, me, commissioner? Yes, you, you old buzzard. I'll speak to Mrs. Ransom about it today. Well, I'll be... Thanks. Mrs. Ransom, huh? She's the... Whatchamacallit? Yes, she's my fiancée, yes. Dad, busted widows, knock over more good men. Bessie, I told you I'm not to be disturbed. But, Mr. Gildersleeve... You're on your own now, Bessie. Whatever comes up, just handle it in your own way. Don't come to me about it. We're pretending I'm not here. Is that understood? Yes, sir. Very well. I'm sorry, Mrs. Ransom, but Mr. Gildersleeve is pretending. It's Leela, it's Leela, darling. Come on in. Bessie, show her in. Thank you. Oh, Strockmorton, I do hope you'll forgive me if I seem to monopolize you little these days. Forgive you? I love it. All right, Bessie, you may close the door. That's the use of being in love if you... No, Bessie, go out and close the door. That Bessie, I'm gonna have to let her go. I suppose you're frightfully busy, Strockmorton, but I just had to come down and see you. I'm glad you did, Leela, because I got something for you. For me? Well, for the both of us, for after we're married. Oh, darling, how exciting! Must I close my eyes? No, it's nothing like that. As a matter of fact, this is sort of intended to open your eyes. It's a budget. A budget? A budget for our household. It accounts for every penny. Here, see? Oh, Strockmorton, you're such a practical man. Well, you have to be practical some of the time, Leela. I'll sit down here and let me show you how I've worked this thing out. Oh, Strockmorton, you're a darling, and I know it's a darling budget, but I'm just not in the mood right now for budgets and all, do you mind? We gotta talk about it sometime. Well, some other time, because right now I've got something much more important to discuss with you. Oh, what's that? Well, we've simply got to decide who you're going to have for your best mine. Well, that's all decided. I'm going to get Fever McGee. Well, that's one of the things I wanted to talk with you about, Strockmorton. I know that you and Mr. McGee were very close. Close? We were right at each other's throats for years. But I wonder how it's going to sound in the society column. What? Well, Mrs. Rionson was attended by her sister, Mrs. Winfield Barrington Scott. Mr. Gildersleeve's best mine was a Mr. Fever McGee. Well, what do you want him to do? Change his name? Well, I just thought it would sound so much more dignified if your best mine would judge Howard's Hooker. Hooker? Oh, that would be great. Mrs. Rionson was attended by her sister, Mrs. Scott. Mr. Gildersleeve was attended by an old goat. Friends you've got. What do you mean, the only friend I've got? I've got plenty of friends, plenty. Well, you say. I don't have to McGee, have McGee if I don't want to. But if you've already asked him. I haven't asked him. I've got a good mind not to. McGee is just the kind of a guy who would come to your wedding and then make cracks. I can get married without McGee. But who else could you get? Plenty of people. But who? Well, there's Hooker. Why not? Of course I don't know if you could get him. Could I get Hooker? Oh, darling, you have the best ideas. But Hooker was your idea. Oh, I just suggested it. It was rarely your idea. Oh, well, we can't fool around here forever. Things to be done here, decisions to be made, a wedding to be performed. Oh, Schrockmotton, there's one thing I'll say for you. You certainly have a mind of your own. Yes, my dear. Sooner or later you'll learn that that's the only way to get things done. Make a decision, any decision, but stick to it. Yes, dear. And speaking of that young lady, I want you to sit down here now and go over this budget. Oh, but I can't, Schrockmotton, not right now. Right now, right this minute. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go over it with you tonight. Young woman, who is the master in this house? Why? It's all I wanted to know. I'll see you tonight. Lady, I'm tonight, Aunt. Buzz Bonanno versus Nosy Wendell. You think you'd like to go? No, Leroy, and for the millionth time you can't go either. Why, Aunt? We've been over this thing before, young man, in the first place. I got the money. Oh, in the second place you're too young and it keeps you up too late. Well, I can sleep late tomorrow. Leroy, the discussion is over. Okay. However, there's another matter I'd like to talk to you about before lunch. I trust it'll be a very pleasant talk. Do we have to go in your study? No, we can sit here. Well, it might be pleasant at that. Yes. Sit down, my boy, sit down. Okay. Now, what's eating you? I'm in a good temper, Leroy. Don't fool with it. Oh. You realize that on June 27th, Mrs. Ransom and I will be married. See, that's right. It won't be long now. I sincerely hope you approve of the step I'm taking. Well... We needn't go into it now. What I want to tell you is that after we're married, we're going to Lake Hackmatack for a couple of weeks. Lake Hackmatack? Oh boy, won't we have fun? Leroy. What? I don't like to disappoint you, but you're not going on my honeymoon. I'm not going to discuss this any further. The purpose of the honeymoon is to enable Mrs. Ransom and myself to get better acquainted. Your presence will not help. Okay. But you'll have to get acquainted with me sometime. No, my boy. While I'm away with Mrs. Ransom, you'll have a much greater responsibility. Yeah? What? You'll be the man of the house, Leroy. You'll have to protect Marjorie and Birdie. Can I have your pistol? No. Then how am I going to protect them? You won't let me have a gun. You won't let me go to the fight. Leroy, it won't be necessary to protect the household physically. I simply want to rely on you, my boy, to be able to feel that everything is being done just as it would be if I were here. Oh. I'm trying to arrange all my affairs this way at the office as well as the home. Can I count on you as head of the house? I guess so, honk. Starting when? Starting right now. You're to handle everything and make your own decisions just as if I weren't here. You understand? Yes, sir. I just made my first one. What is it? Birdie will have supper early tonight, please. I've decided to go to the fight. Leroy. Leroy will be with us again in just a few seconds. Meanwhile, I was talking to our neighborhood grocer the other day as men sometimes do. I found out some mighty interesting things. I'd thought that a lot of customers might be blaming grocers for the nuisance of point rationing, for example. My grocer says that isn't so. According to him, most of you homemakers seem to know that point rationing is a bigger headache for him than for you. And he says it's amazing how cooperative you are. Planning family menus in advance and trying to get most chopping done early in the week and early in the day. But he did say, I hope people won't blame me when favorite foods like parquet margarine aren't in stock. Craft and other food companies are doing everything they can to keep me supplied, but what with wartime shortages and parquets growing popularity, I'm sometimes temporarily short. Well, I'm passing that along to you just as I got it from my grocer. And that's about all I have to tell you except to add, thanks for cooperating with your grocer. That's one very real way you're helping to win this war. Let's rejoin the great Gildersleeve. He spent a profitable but unpleasant afternoon paying bills and cleaning out clothes closets. But now, after a good big supper, he's returned to the task of preparing for his honeymoon. More specifically, he's checking over his camping equipment when van arrives to take Marjorie to the movies. Gildersleeve, I see you're going fishing. That's right, my boy. Oiling up the old reel. Listen to this. Sweet, isn't it? Sure is. Look at this rod. Split bamboo, garnet guide rings, just feel the play in it. Boy, that's sweet. And I think that a kid with a string and a bent pin can catch just as many fish. Who told you that, Leroy? You did. Well, don't you believe it? Ben, have you ever seen my shotgun? No, I don't believe ever have. Can I look too long? Well, if you'll be careful. Just get this padlock here. There. Isn't that a beauty? Boy, that really is. It's double-barreled. Yeah, I see it is. Look at that chasing on the barrel, Ben. It'll make guns like this anymore. No, not anymore. Oh, here's Marjorie. Well, I've already been doing with that shotgun. Huh? I'm getting ready for my honeymoon. Is that what all this stuff is for, Mr. Gildersleeve? Yeah, that's it, my boy. I'm going to have the finest honeymoon a man ever had. Wait till I tell you. Look, every morning, up at six o'clock for a plunge in the lake, get out and pile into a smoking breakfast. Who cooked breakfast? Mrs. Ransom. I mean, Lila. Then after breakfast, fishing. A darn lake is absolutely alive with fish, Ben. Just whistle, and they jump right up in the boat. Yeah, I bet. As a matter of fact, it's great for trolling. We'll do a lot of trolling. What is trolling, anyhow? Well, it's one of the finest forms of fishing there is, Leroy. I take my rod and I sit in one end of the boat with my line in the water, and the fellow at the other end rows the boat. Then I... Wait a minute. Who's that fellow at the other end of the boat? Well, he... Where did he come from? I guess we won't do any trolling. But the still fishing is just as good. And then we can hunt all afternoon. Rabbits and partridges. Oh, what a supper they'll make. Then after supper, we'll pitch horseshoes. What? Yes, sir. Got a whole set up. Yeah, I'm going to pack them in my bag right now. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it, Ben? Yeah. Sounds like there'll be plenty going on. Ben, come on, let's go to the movies. Excuse me, Mr. Gerson, could I... Phone the floor. Uncle Noy's getting ready for a track meet. Huh? Come on, Ben. Good night. Good night. And imagine what's the matter with Marjorie? Oh, well, women, women. What's that about women, Mr. Gilsie? Too deep for me is all, Bertie. Oh, yes, we're deep all right. Could I go to movies with a friend tonight, Mr. Gilsie? Certainly, Bertie, certainly. Thank you, sir. Good night, sir. Bertie. Yes, sir? Never mind. What's that you want me to do? Well, no. But I was just showing Miss Marjorie all this stuff here. And I'm taking on my honeymoon. And she acted like there was... Well, as if there might be something wrong with it. Do you know what... I don't know anything, Mr. Gilsie. But I could make a suggestion. What, Bertie? You ought to leave that shotgun behind and take along your mandolin. Yeah. Bye, George. You may be right, Bertie. Where else should I be angry with you? Well, you see, I opened an account today at Hogan Brothers, and I charged it. Charged it? Well, it's all right. They won't bill us for it till next month, and by that time, we'll be married. But, Leela, well, you see, in this budget I've drawn up, you have a special allowance for clothes. However? Yes. Now, perhaps you'd better let me explain to you about it right now. Yes, you do that, Throckmort. And you'll explain it to me. Well, I'll get the budget out of my briefcase. Come over here and explain it to me, Throckmort. And you can spread it out here on the piano. Well, you see, it's like this, Leela. Sit down here on the bench beside me so I can see. All right. Now, here's the first heading, Savings and Reserves. Under that, we have life insurance, automobile insurance, fire insurance, federal income tax, state income tax. Leela, how can you keep your mind in what I'm saying and play the piano? Go on, darling. My mind's on what you're saying. Well, mine isn't. Look, if you'll just sit still and listen to me till I finish this, Leela, I'll give you a prize. I'll take you downtown afterwards and buy you an ice cream soda. What? That's my signal. Oh, that must be Judge Hooker. Oh, I might have known it. I see you're not alone. Leela, what is he doing here? Well, and I asked the judge to help me with it. What do you want to know? I can explain it just as well as he can. That I doubt. Well, I paid a quarter of my tax on March 15th, didn't I? Yeah, that's right. And it says in the paper that three quarters of the tax is going to be forgiven. Yeah, that's right. Well, now the judge tries to tell me I have to pay another installment by the 15th. I'm sorry to say, Leela, that for once the old goat is right. Are you going to side with him, too? I'm not siding with anybody. I'm just telling you the facts. Oh, well, I think the whole thing is silly. Why should I pay any more? If you just listen to me, I'll tell you. Everybody has to pay an installment on his tax by the 15th, whether his tax was $5 or $5 million. Everybody. Is that clear? Well, you don't make it a bit clear by shouting at me. You're right, Leela. Guilty allow a lawyer to explain it. The legal mind handles these things better, I think. The legal mind. Reason is often more effective than racket. Now, Leela, this installment on your tax which falls due on the 15th is to be applied not against last year's tax, but against this year's. Is that clear? No, I think it's silly. Well, you just can't brush it off by saying it's silly. Let's be reasonable about this now. The tax you pay tomorrow is on your income this year. In other words, it's a step toward pay as you go. Pay as you go, pay as you went. The whole thing is just too complicated just for anybody to understand. That's because you won't try to understand. Besides, I'll think it's silly. Leela, I'm your attorney, am I not? Of course, Horace. And you trust me, don't you? Yes, Horace, I trust you, of course. I've been telling you for two weeks that you have to pay this tax installment, haven't I? Yes, but I don't understand what... You don't have to understand. But if you want to keep out of trouble, just take my word for it and pay the tax. Pay it, pay it, pay it. The legal mind. I'll just leave you two boys to work this out between you. Now, Throckmorton, you explain to Horace about budgets, and Horace, you explain to Throckmorton about taxes while I go upstairs and pat him on the nose. What do you do with a woman like that, Horace? Very simple, Gildy. Either you pay her tax tomorrow or you marry her in jail. Handsome. Wow. I guess it won't be long now before I'll be calling you Mrs. Gildersmeade. Just two weeks. Think of that. You want to sit at the table, Leela, would you rather have your soda at the fountain? Oh, at the fountain is more fun, I think. All right, climb up. You really don't deserve one, you know. Oh, now, Throckmorton. You don't. You didn't keep your promise. What promise? You know what promise? I sit up for three nights making up a budget and you won't even look at it. Oh, Throckmorton, please. Not in front of Mr. Peavey. Peavey, take my advice. Never have anything to do with women. Well, that advice comes a little late, Mr. Gildersmeade. About 23 years, in fact. Chocolate soda, did you say? Leela? Yes, chocolate for me. Chocolate for both of us. Chocolate, it is. Well, Peavey, you're a sensible man. Tell me, do you and Mrs. Peavey keep a budget? Oh, now, Throckmorton, don't spoil our sodas. But budgets are important, Leela. Aren't they, Peavey? Yes. Mrs. Peavey and I have kept a budget for years. You see? And you're stuck to it, too, haven't you, Peavey? Well, yeah, I wouldn't say that. But we tried. Oh, but what good is a budget? It only makes you sigh. Oh, you tell her, Peavey, I've tried everything. Well, you take Mrs. Peavey and myself. Without a budget, we could go broke and never know it. But this way, we know it. Well, that seems to me a very good reason not to keep one. Well, a budget has other uses. Now, for example, I can take out my budget for 1923. That was the year we drove to Old Point Comfort. You save them that far back? I've kept a record of every cent I've ever spent. And I can look up there under August 18, 1923 and see that on the morning we started out, I bought four quarts of oil at 38 cents a quart. A little farther on, I spent a dollar and a half to get a blowout repaired. And then so much for lunch. And in the afternoon, 10 gallons of gasoline and another quart of oil, it brings back memories. Well, that's been going on for 23 years and Mrs. Peavey has never complained? Well, no, I wouldn't say... Yes, I will, too. As long as we've been married, I've never known Mrs. Peavey to do any real complaining. You see, Leela, people can be happy on a budget. Tell me, Mr. Peavey, what's it like to be married 23 years? Well, it's pretty nice. By that time, you and your wife have gone a lot of places together and you've learned to like the same things and you have a lot of little private jokes and it's kind of restful and nice. Of course, I've been fortunate. Mrs. Peavey is one in a million. I don't believe she's ever had a thought for herself or for anyone but me. That's the way it should be, Peavey. That's the way it should be. Throckmorton, I'd like to go now if you don't mind. But Leela, you haven't touched your soda. I know. I really don't care for it. Do you mind? Of course not, darling. If you don't feel like it. I'll just finish mine. Well, we'll go. Well, thanks, Peavey. Thank you. Good night. Good night, folks, and good luck. Good night, Mr. Peavey. It was a lovely soda. That's all right, Mrs. Ransom. Good night. Oh, brother, what a night. Isn't it beautiful, Leela? Look at those stars. By George, you could almost touch them. The night was made for love. The night was made for... Leela, what's the matter? Oh, Throckmorton, I'm so ashamed. Shamed? Shamed of what? I haven't been very nice to you. I really haven't. I've been selfish. Oh, no, you haven't? I have when you've worked so hard to please me, too. Oh, Leela, you mustn't be sad. Not on a beautiful romantic evening like this. Look at all the pretty stars. You see, they're winking at you. Go on, little stars, wink at Leela. Oh, Throckmorton, you're sweet. And from now on, I'm going to try to be a different girl. I truly am. From now on, I'm going to be nice to you and do everything you say. From now on? From now on. Beginning right now? Beginning right now. Yeah. Come here, young lady. No, Throckmorton, before we do another thing, you and I are going to go home and go over that budget. What? Come on. Leela, Leela, wait a minute. Can't you take a joke? Hang the budget. Leela! Judge. Going somewhere? Just down to the corner to mail a letter. Leela's income tax. I'll walk down with you. Thanks. Uh, by the way, Horace. Yes, Gildy? Are you doing anything in the 27th? Not that I know of. Why are you? Getting married. Oh, 27, huh? Yeah. It's not far off, is it? 14 days. 14 days. Horace. Yes, Gildy? You wouldn't want to be my best man, would you? Gildy, I wouldn't miss it for the world. What do you mean? If you ask me, this is one case where the best man does win. Yeah. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Why this seven-minute macaroni and cheese soon? At your food store, be on the alert for point-saving, craft-