 Now, Anacin, the tablets thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and Vicodol mints that quickly rid stomach of gastric distress, present Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks transcribed. But first, may I make a suggestion that you will probably thank me for someday? It's simply this. The next time you suffer from headache, neuritis, or neuralgia pain, try Anacin. The reason we suggest this is because we feel sure you will be surprised at how incredibly fast Anacin gives you relief. Thousands of people who have tried Anacin say its action is truly astonishing. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. Thus, in taking Anacin, you are following sound principles. The next time you suffer pain from headache, neuritis, or neuralgia, don't wait for relief. Try Anacin on this guarantee. If the first few Anacin tablets do not give you all the relief you want, as fast as you want it, return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. You can get Anacin at any drug counter in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets and economical family-sized bottles of 50 and 100. I'll spell the name for you, A-N-A-C-I-N. Well, since school has been in session for two weeks now, our Ms. Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, has practically forgotten about her summer vacation. I say practically because one reminder still reposes in her backyard. A small trailer, which Ms. Brooks and her landlady, Mrs. Davis, called home for a good part of the summer. Mrs. Davis called it home. I called it the aluminum mousetrap. Anyway, now that the school season was on, Mrs. Davis was trying to sell it. She had put an ad in the paper early in the week and by Friday morning at breakfast, I was naturally curious about the results. Any luck with mousy, Mrs. Davis? Not much so far, Connie. I've only had two prospects all week long, a man and a woman. The woman came on Tuesday and only took one quick glance inside the trailer. What did she say? Nothing. She just gave a little scream and left. What an accurate description. What about the man? Oh, he thought it was very nice. Then why didn't he take it? He said he already had one doghouse. What did you say in your ad, Mrs. Davis? Well, you can see for yourself, Connie. It's still in today's paper on the next to the last page. Really? Well, let's have a look. It's under trailers for sale. Oh, thanks. I was looking under doghouses. Oh, here we are trailers. Hmm. No, your ad isn't in today. Well, of course it is. It must be. There's only one ad for a trailer for sale on this page. And that says, magnificent, super-deluxe, spacious trailer, ideal for family of four. Buy this trailer and live on the road in complete comfort. That's it, Connie. That's the ad. Do you think I exaggerated? Everywhere except in the last sentence. If a family of four bought Moussey, the only place they could live in complete comfort is on the road. Mrs. Davis, I'm surprised that you attend by seven-foot trailer is hardly spacious. Your ad simply isn't fair, accurate or honest. Well, I guess I just got carried away. But if anyone phones me today, I'll tell them the complete truth. Absolutely everything. Well, uh, you better not make it everything. There's no use mentioning the fact that if anyone opens the closet door, the ironing board comes down and knocks them cold. No, we'd never sell it if I mentioned that. How about the scalp wounds you got from the ceiling every time you straightened up? Well, don't say anything about that either. Maybe we'll get a customer who's under four-foot-three. Well, I certainly hope we can sell it, Connie. I could use my share of the four hundred dollars for repairs on this house. Why, is something wrong? The pipes in the kitchen are in awful shape. The last few days I've been in the kitchen, and it's leaked into the dining room. The plumber is supposed to start working on it today, but I think we'll have to eat out in the trailer tonight. Oh, that should be cozy. Well, I'd better get ready to go, Mrs. Davis. Walter Denton isn't calling for me this morning, and you know those buses. Yes, of course, dear. And, Connie, I hope you won't mind having dinner in the trailer too much. Not at all. I'll go to the dining room. I'll go to the dining room, and I'll go to the dining room. I don't mind having dinner in the trailer too much. Not at all. I'll go to shop class first thing this morning and rehearse. Rehearse? Yes, I'll hit myself on the head with a hammer a few times. Ah, the old wrist action's still there, Harriet. It certainly feels great to have a fishing rod in my hand once more. Oh, I'm sure it does, Daddy, but I'd say a principal's office is hardly the place for a fishing rod if anyone were to ask me. No one's going to. But what's it doing in here, Daddy? It's waiting to go on a little fishing trip with me. This may be my last opportunity this year, Harriet, and I've heard of a wonderful lake about a hundred miles from here, real rugged territory. There are practically no cabins on it and no place open to tourists. Then where are you going to sleep? Well, I've got my own ideas about that. Has Miss Brooks come in yet? I don't think so. I haven't seen her this morning. You know, Daddy, I've never seen you treat her as nicely as you have so far this term. She's never had a trailer before this term. Yeah. Well, why shouldn't I treat a deserving teacher nicely? I get it. The only reason you're so nice. Harriet, you'll be late for class now run along. Yeah, but, Daddy, oh, there's Miss Brooks coming up the walk now. Where? Oh, yes, yes, there's my pigeon. And Miss Brooks. Now, if you'll excuse me, Harriet, I'd like to have a few words with her before classes begin. Can't I even wait to say good morning to her? You cannot. By the time you two get through saying good morning, it's time for lunch. Through my inner office, please, Harriet. But, Daddy... Exit smiling, girls. Oh, all right. Ah, yes, the old wrist action's still there. If I walk slowly to the door, I should arrive there just in time to say good morning, Miss Brooks. Oh, good morning, Mr. Conklin. Petching much? That's rich. If you'll step into my office, there's something I'd like to discuss with you. Yes, sir. Now, please sit down. No, no, no, no, no. Not over there. Over here in the comfortable chair. Huh? Oh, I forgot. This is a brand new type term. Miss Brooks, I'll come directly to the point. The reason I have this fishing rod in my hand is because I intend to go fishing this weekend. Sounds logical. However, the lake in which I want to fish is quite a distance from here, a magnificent place, miles away from civilization. It's called U-U-Mimi-Tokaluti-Guchi-Mumu Lake. U-U-Mimi... I doubt if I can make it. It's quite simple. U-U-Mimi-Tokaluti-Guchi-Mumu. It's an Indian name. What does it mean? Blue. I'd hate to hear their name for purple. They say that the fishing at U-U-Mimi-Tokaluti-Guchi-Mumu is the finest in the country. Very few people have found out about it so far. Very few people could ask directions. However, there are absolutely no tourist accommodations in the neighborhood, and that is where I thought you could help, Miss Brooks. Me? Yes, knowing you as I do, I felt confident that you would be more than happy to lend me your trailer for the weekend. Oh, but it's Mrs. Davis's trailer, too, Mr. Conklin. And although I know she would cooperate, we just couldn't let you have it this weekend. I don't like to disappoint you, sir, so I won't. How would you like to have the trailer at your disposal every weekend from now on? Every weekend? Miss Brooks, are you serious? I have never been more so. All you have to do is buy it. Buy it? Buy the trailer? Did I say a naughty word? It's only $400. Miss Brooks, I have the slightest need for a trailer, except on rare occasions. This weekend is one of them. I should like to borrow the vehicle. Well, sir, in that case, I can't possibly let you... Don't give me your decision at once, Miss Brooks. Think it over for a while. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Conklin. Bearing in mind, of course, how pleasant your life here at Madison has been so far this term. And that, as my subordinate, it is within my power to continue to help make it the pleasant thing it's been or on the other hand. What time would you like to pick it up? I'll be over about seven o'clock. I believe you have a class to make, Miss Brooks, so I won't keep you another minute. Yes, sir. Goodbye, Mr. Conklin. See you at seven, Miss Brooks. See you at seven, Miss Brooks. What a dictator. But if he spends a weekend in our trailer, I'll be even with him. Oh, Miss Brooks. Oh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. Good morning, Mr. Boynton. Oh, here, let me carry your books for you, Miss Brooks. Oh, I thank you. Well, I think friends should do things for one another, Miss Brooks. Don't you feel that way? Absolutely. Here, let me carry your books for you. That isn't quite what I had in mind, but there is a favor I have to ask of you. And because of the urgency of my problem, I'm going to need an answer immediately. Immediately? I hope you don't mind my pressing you. Bribery will get you nowhere. What's the favor? My apartment house was sold last week, and the new owner needs my apartment for his family. So far, I haven't been able to find a place I can afford, and I have to move by tonight. Oh, that's terrible. I'd be satisfied with any sort of a small place to stay in for the weekend, until I can find another apartment. I was wondering if you have any suggestions? You bet I have. I know a place you can live in rent-free. You do? Sure. Why don't you buy our trailer? Buy it! I'd better watch my language. It's only $400, Mr. Boynham. $400? How could I possibly get $400 in one lump? Roll it together. But it's... maybe it wouldn't have to be in one lump. Mrs. Davis and I would consider time payments. No, no thanks. I'm not on the market for a trailer, Mrs. Brooks, but if you could only let me stay in it for the weekend, I'd be indebted to you for life. Well, I'd like to help you, but... You can't let me down, Mrs. Brooks. You've just got to let me sleep in your backyard tonight. Well, maybe I can work it out, Mr. Boynham, but there's one thing I think you should know. Who? What's that? You might go to sleep in my backyard, but there's a very good chance that you'll wake up in U-U-Me-Me-Tokaloo-Dee-Goo-Chee-Moo-Moo Lake. Friends, if you suffer from acid indigestion, I hope you didn't miss reading this wonderful news. A headline that says, medically proven, quickly rid stomach of gastric distress. That headline is talking about new bisodol mints. Doctors recommend bisodol mints because the bisodol medication acts at once to make painful acid harmless and give you fast five-way relief. One, speeds relief from gas. Two, sweetens your breath. Three, gives complete longer lasting relief than baking soda. Four, relief stomach upset from too much eating, drinking, smoking. Five, lets you sleep when acid indigestion strikes at night. So don't suffer acid indigestion, heartburn or gastric distress from excess acidity. Remember, new mints medically proven, quickly rid stomach of gastric distress. And remember the name, bisodol mints, B-I-S-O-D-O-L. Get bisodol mints for fast relief. Well, having promised our trailer to both Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynham for the weekend, I think of some way of breaking my promise to Mr. Conklin. I was too busy to think about it all morning, but at lunchtime while I was sitting alone in the cafeteria pondering the problem, my reverie was interrupted by the dulcet tones of Walter Denton. Salutations, most revered educator. Well, first I want to apologize because I couldn't drive you to school this morning. Oh, that's all right. No, I really felt terrible about it, Miss Brooks, because it's always such a great pleasure to serve you, and it's such a truly great pleasure. Well, thank you, Walter. Isn't there something I can do for you now? Anything at all? You just name it and I'll do it. Anything. Anything you want. Anything. Down, boy. Down. Just what favor are you after, Walter? Favor? From you? Miss Brooks, I'm chagrined. How can you possibly look for hidden motives in one who is not only your greatest admirer and supporter, but one who... No, you can't borrow my trailer for the weekend. Well, fine friend you are. I wanted to use it as a dark room. But how'd you know that's what I was going to ask you? Because two of my other greatest admirers and supporters, namely Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton, have already borrowed it for this weekend. Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton, are they going someplace together? It's beginning to look that way. Hello, Walter. Hello, Harriet. I'm glad I found you, Miss Brooks. There's something I've been wanting to ask you. The answer is no, but you can buy it if you want to. What are you talking about, Miss Brooks? I was just going to ask you to call Mrs. Davis. She just phoned and said it's urgent that she speak with you. Well, where was I when the call came in? On your way up here, I guess. Why don't you do it right now? You can use the pay phone on the wall. Got a dime? Here, I got a dime here. Take this dime, please. Go ahead. Oh, I forgot. I can't have the trailer. I have a dime. I owe the bus driver, but I have a dime. If you'll excuse me, I'll use it right away. I wonder what could be so urgent. Well, I'll know in a minute. You and the night and the music fill me with flaming desire. How nice of you to say so. Is that you, Henry? No, Mrs. Davis. It's Connie. Connie Brooks. But who's Henry? The butcher. He said he'd call for my order this morning. Well, if that's the way he feels about you, why have our chops been so tough lately? Never mind, Mrs. Davis. What is it you wanted to talk to me about? Talk to you about? Yes, when you called me. Now, isn't that funny? I could have sworn that you called me. Well, whoever called who lets me our conversation brief. Our party line gets pretty busy this time of day, but I don't want to keep the phone occupied too long. Well, you're certainly considerate, Mrs. Davis. Oh, isn't that, Connie? It's just that I find their conversation so much more interesting than mine. Well, I'll try to be as entertaining as possible. Look, Mrs. Davis, you gave Harriet Conklin the message to have me call you at once. Now concentrate. What was it about? Your health? The house? The plumber? The trailer? That's it, Connie. The trailer. You haven't sold it, have you? Not yet, dear, but practically. The man who phoned seemed very interested. He didn't balk at the price, but he wanted to see it before he bought it. I knew there was a joker in the deal. When's he coming over? At about seven tonight. At seven? Yes, I asked him to join us for dinner in the trailer. Of course, I told him it was quite spacious, so I thought it would give him a greater illusion of roominess if only one of us had dinner with him. Or can you think of a better idea? Not unless he goes in by himself and we toss his food to him through the window. Mrs. Davis, I'd better get busy. Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton were scheduled to be over here at seven too. Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton, you mean they thought they might buy our trailer? Watch that word, Mrs. Davis. There are ladies present. I'll see you later, but right now I'd better say goodbye. All right, dear. Go ahead. Goodbye, Henry. Now, that ought to confuse the party line. What did Mrs. Davis want, Miss Brooks? She's got a customer for our trailer, Walter. The only trouble is he's due to arrive the same time as Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton, and you know the size of that trailer. Oh, I certainly do. But I have biology class with Mr. Boynton this afternoon, so if you want, I'll tell him not to show up this evening. Oh, I'd appreciate that, Walter. And when I see Daddy, I'll tell him not to come either, Miss Brooks. That'll take a big load off my mind. No disrespect intended. Now, there's just one more thing I should do to ensure the sale of our trailer. What's that, Miss Brooks? Get the customer not to show up. Armist Brooks will return in a moment. Are you satisfied with your savings? Few people are, and more people than realize it can do something about it. Waiting for a bonanza seldom pays off. Best thing to do is save it yourself. Best way to save it is through automatic deductions from current earnings. Don't say you can't spare it. Spare some amount. Start saving now. Whatever you are able to put aside will be there in a money crisis. Whatever you don't save won't. It's as simple as that. And just as simple as that is the payroll savings plan, or the bond a month plan at your bank. Small deductions made from current earnings, made automatically before you can get and spend the money, are a perfect answer to those who have found it hard to save any other way. Ask your pay master, or if there's no payroll savings plan where you work, ask at any bank. Start saving now. United States savings bonds. The bonds that pay a guaranteed 3% interest when held to maturity. The bonds that always pay off come what may. Well, since Mrs. Davis had invited a prospective buyer to have dinner with us in the aluminum cigar box that passes as a trailer, Mr. Boynton and Mr. Conklin had to make other plans for the weekend. Later that evening, as Mrs. Davis was cooking dinner in our trailer, I sat perfectly still so as not to crowd her. Mrs. Davis, you've been over that stove long enough. Now it's my turn to stand up. No, you stay on the dinette seat a little while longer, Connie. There's just not enough room for the two of us to move around. But I insist, Mrs. Davis, it's my turn to stand up. Well, that's the way you feel about it. Come ahead. Thanks. Itch! Like I say, it's my turn to sit down. Oh, dear, did you hurt your head badly? No, worse than usual. Between the ceiling and this closet with the sneaky ironing board, I'm getting used to it. Oh, I fixed that closet, Connie. Try it now. All right. I must have fixed something else. You'll find some gauze in the medicine cabinet I just put up. Where? Oh, here. It's a very handy place for it. I'll get it. I'm standing right by the door, as who isn't. Mr. Boynton, what are you doing here? Didn't Walter Denton ask you not to show up this evening? No, I never got back to school this afternoon. I had so much packing to do, Mr. Conklin gave me the time off. I guess he took my classes himself. Well, now that you're here, you might as well come in while I tell you why you have to leave right away. Thanks. Oh, hello, Mrs. Davis. Hello, Mr. Boynton. It's a shame you have to be running along so soon. You see, Mr. Boynton, we've got a prospective buyer for the trailer, and he's due here in about five minutes. I rushed right back to help Mrs. Davis get the trailer in shape. Oh, I see. The ad said this was quite a spacious trailer, so we wanted to show it to him under the best possible circumstances, which is empty or as empty as possible. It is quite tiny, isn't it? We're in pretty close quarters right now. Yes, it has got its advantages. Well, I'd better be going. I'm afraid I'm making you and Mrs. Davis uncomfortable. Oh, you can stay a little while longer, Mr. Boynton. We're not a bit uncomfortable, are we, Mrs. Davis? Mrs. Davis, where are you? Under the dinette table, dear. I'm afraid it might be a little crowded with the three of us standing. Oh, don't be silly, Mrs. Davis. Please get up. There, it isn't too crowded at all. Well, we're almost cheek-to-cheek, Miss Brooks. I know. One more person in here, and we'd be over the top. You're not really uncomfortable, are you, Mr. Boynton? Uncomfortable? Well, I must confess, I'm a bit warm. Why, Mr. Boynton? Maybe he's sitting on the stove. Don't be a killjoy. I'd better be going, Miss Brooks. Your customer should be here any minute. Or even sooner. Mr. Conklin, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm going fishing. That's what I'm doing here. Oh, hello, Margaret. And Boynton, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? He was just leaving. That's what he's doing here. But Mr. Conklin didn't hurry it, give you my message, asking you to cancel your visit? No message of any kind. Right after school, I locked myself in my workroom and spent the afternoon tying flies. Well, if you can't beat them, tie them. Well, you see, Osgoon, we're expecting a prospective buyer. I don't care who you're expecting. I've made arrangements to go fishing and I'm staying in this trailer for the weekend. Now, where can I put this fishing gear? Oh, there's a closet at your elbow, sir. Oh, no, Mr. Conklin, you'd better not try this. I said I was staying, Miss Brooks. I'll just open this closet. Oh! Well, it looks like he's staying, all right. I only wish that... I'll get it. Why, Harriet? Hi, Miss Brooks. Might as well come aboard, Harriet. All right, everybody, inhale. Miss Brooks, I just came over to tell you that I miss Daddy today at school, so I couldn't give him your message. By the time I got home, he wasn't there either. Now I don't know where he is. You're standing on him. Oh, please take your foot away. Why, Daddy, what are you doing down there? I was viciously attacked from behind. By a sneaky ironing board. But I'm glad you're with us again, sir. Here, let me help you out. Well, are we all nicely wedged in again? Miss Brooks, I insist that you get everyone out of here so I can be on my way. We'll discuss it in a moment, sir. Just as soon as I see who this is. Hello, Miss Brooks. I came over to tell you I missed Mr. Boynton today. I just couldn't seem to find him anywhere. Step back, Walter. Your breath is taking the starch out of his collar. Come on in. I'm trying to. Here, let me help you, Walter. Come on, everybody. Give a little. What was that? My suspenders just went away. Mr. Conklin, I said give a little, not all. Well, don't worry, sir. With this crowd, your trousers will never make it to the floor. Are you in yet, Walter? I'm getting there. Yeah, I'm in. I'm out. Harriet, pull Mr. Boynton back in. What a girl. Now, is everyone all right? I think we'd better call the roll just to make sure. Mr. Conklin, where are you? Wedged in tight between my daughter and Mrs. Davis. Walter, I'm wedged in next to Harriet too, Miss Brooks. Oh, shut up! Mrs. Davis? I'm stuck next to Mr. Boynton. Stuck, she says. How about you, Mr. Boynton? How did you get your neck caught under my arm? Oh, well. This must be our customer. Now let's not get panicky. Good evening. Good evening, sir. Are you the man Mrs. Davis spoke to on the phone? Yes, I am. Well, won't you come in? You're kidding, of course. I guess it does appear a bit crowded to you. A wee bit, yes. It's sort of like opening a can of sardines and finding five or six live ones inside. Yes. Well, I suppose you'd like to speak to Mrs. Davis. I would indeed. I'm Mrs. Davis. Where? Right here on Mr. Boynton's arm. Bend over Mr. Boynton and let me have a look at him. Certainly, Mrs. Davis. Oh, there you are, Mrs. Davis. No, you're looking at Walter Denton. Mrs. Davis is under his other arm. Oh, of course. Let me show you some of the trailer's features, sir. For instance, right over there are the stove and ice box. Where? Harriet Conklin is in front of them. Then her father, Mr. Conklin, is in front of the bed. And Mr. Boynton is in front of the bathroom. Neat, isn't it? Oh, yes indeed. Everybody in here looks very livable. But I don't know why you're telling me all this. Why we're telling you? Well, you're interested, aren't you? I'm fascinated. Things like this don't happen to a plumber every day. Plumber? Yes, ma'am. I came here to report on the kitchen pipes. Did you take a look at them? Every one of them. All over the yard. All over the yard? What is all this anyway? Well, he's a red one, isn't he? Well, you see, Mrs. Davis, the pressure in one of the pipes behind your stove became too great and blew the wall right off your service port. Why, that's terrible. Oh, it certainly is. And it's been happening to me with alarming frequency lately. Almost every time I work around a stove, a wall blows out. Well, there's nothing more I can do tonight. Oh, yes, there is. How would you like to make ten dollars right now? Ten dollars? How? Do a little work on the stove in this trailer. Armistress, starring E. Vargan Transcribe, is produced and directed by Lori Burns. Written by Arthur Allsberg and Al Lewis with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Joel Samuels. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Mrs. Brooks.