 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment here at the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the time of the year when people begin thinking about taking a vacation. And that happens to be what our show tonight is about. The other day, Phil Harris decided that a few days off was just the thing he needed. So he started planning a vacation. He, Alice, and Elliot, well, we'll hear more about that later. Ever lie awake at night, tossing and turning? Can't get to sleep. The sounds of the night keep you awake. A cat talking to the moon. That awful, awful party next door. Well, now you can stop that tossing and turning, relax, and go to sleep with soft, soothing music, brought to you with RCA Victor's wonderful new clock radio. Yes, and it turns itself off. And in the morning, the RCA Victor clock radio gently wakes you up, all automatically. There's also a built-in outlet that automatically starts and stops your electric coffee maker and other small appliances. Plus, a handy phono jack to plug in your record changer. This powerful clock radio with its famous telechron clock and its superb golden throat tone costs as little as $39.95. It's just one more reason why RCA Victor is the world leader in radio. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Well, as most everyone knows, Phil Harris is quite a sportsman. And like many Hollywood stars, he belongs to the well-known Lakeside Golf Club. That's where he's been today. But right now, after 36 strenuous holes, he's heading for his home in Encino. Hey, you know something, Curly? That game of golf did us both a world of good. Yeah, I feel like a million dollars. You know something, Elliot? I'm going to be playing a lot of golf, and I'm going to do it right away. Not only that, I'm going to do a lot of fishing, sailing, swimming. I'm going to go in for the whole works. Hey, hold on a minute. I better pull in here and get some gas. Uh, fill it up, will you, Mac? Hey, Curly, did Alice say she'd give you the money for a vacation? Alice, give me the money. Elliot, when are you going to get it through your head that Alice Faye and Phil Harris are two separate and distinct personalities? Don't forget that Phil Harris is an independent operator and a going, successful concern. I'll be $4.50. Here you are. Thank you very much, Mr. Faye. Faye, if you like that, I'll get even with him. I'll drive through there 12 times tomorrow just to make that little bell ring. And if that don't make him sore, I'll sneak you into his washroom and glue his paper towels. Yeah, I'll fix them. But getting back to this vacation thing, how are you going to talk Alice into letting you take one? Elliot, that's easy. I got the whole back seat of the car full of travel folders. Can't you understand when she sees some of them beautiful colored pictures? She's bound to get a yen for a vacation herself. I don't know why you want to get away from California, Curly. I think it's the greatest place in the world. It's not only the weather, either. California is the most progressive state in the Union. Just last week, they tore down a brand new Bank of America to make way for a drive-in unemployment office. Yeah, I love California as much as you do, Elliot. But I'll have to admit, there's no state that does things with quite the flourish that California does. Now, where else could you have your car repossessed by art, art, art, art? Now, Curly, that's another thing that very few people realize about California. Did you know that for every man in the state, there's a woman? Yeah. Isn't that board of equalization wonderful? Hey, Elliot. We're getting close to the house now, Curly. I need that board of equalization wonderful. Hey, Elliot. We're getting close to the house now. Get up all those travel folders out of the car, will you? I want you to take them in so we can show them down. Yeah, okay. Boy, there sure are a lot of them. Yeah. Hang on, Elliot. We're coming in the driveway. Hey, you're going pretty fast, Curly, and the garage doors are closed. Don't worry about the garage doors. They open automatically. They don't make an electric eye quick enough for Harris. Come on, Elliot. Now, you're sure you didn't leave any of them vacation folders behind? No, no. I got them all. Curly, go in and sell her. Over a year, you get this vacation bug. You want to go to some distance? Wait a minute, honey. Wait a minute. Now, look at these pictures, Alice. Look, sure that one there, Elliot. Yeah. Here, look at this one, Alice. It says, Enjoy your vacation in a phantasmagorical fairyland. A veritable paradise where the leprechauns and the wood nymphs frolick in leafy woodland blend. Where's that? Not very far. They had it repainted. Hey, look, Alice, here's one. It says, Come to the Alps. Yeah, that's it. Hey, honey, look at those mountains. Hey, that's what I'd like to do. Some mountain climbing. Oh, brother, look who's going to do some mountain climbing. Well, you need a Swiss guide to get up on a high bar stool. Well, once I get up there, you notice I stay. I saw the entire Kit Gavilan fight through the hole in an alley. I don't mind going to the mountains for a few days. I'll go get your suitcases, Curly. Oh, hello, Julius. Hey, Julius, just leave the groceries and be there. We're busy, busy now. Here's your suitcases, Curly. What? Yeah, it's mine. It's airplane luggage. Don't drop it. Where the Navy set me. Is it all right to tell himself? Sure, I'm not ashamed of my Navy record. Well, when he started out, he was just a half striper. What a war. A full striper. I painted them all the way around the garbage can. I'm proud of my Navy record. When the action started, they transferred me to a submarine. I remember my first day on that submarine. We dived 27 times. Curly, 27 times? Yes, Admiral Halsey's kid had lost his ball. It was a croquet ball, and we found out later it floated. Julius stopped stepping on them travel folders. Are you going someplace? Yes, I am. Yeah, Curly can't make up his mind. You got any suggestions? What do you mean? Well, where do you think Mr. Harris should go? Look, kid, a lead like that, what's the matter with you? Look, Julius, why don't you just go back to the grocery and count the mice? Out of my taste, it's unpredictable. I'll just go where my fancy leads me. I may skip over to the Riviera and tarry on the sunlit shores. Or I may perchance ramble over to Monte Carlo and waddle at the gambling game. Before you cross over the bridge into goonie land, I'm going to tell you where I'm going. I'm going fishing. Alice, isn't there some way that we can live without groceries? Now, that right there is one of the reasons why I keep telling you I need a vacation, and I'm going to find just the right place in one of these travel folders. Some place where we'll all be happy. Here we are, kids, out on the open road. Boy, I can't wait to get up to that mountain resort. I hope it's as good as it sounds in that fold. Me too. This is the road that's supposed to go to Herbert's Happy Hussey, and it's pretty beat up. The fold is said paved all the way. Well, we followed the map, like it said. We turned from Wildflower Lane onto Paradise Way. Then we followed that until we got to Blue Sky Boulevard. And this road run now is called Heavenly Highway. Well, that's the one we're supposed to be on, Heavenly Highway. What was that? I think we just hit a fat angel. When you get out, Elliot, and look around, don't just sit there. Hey, wait a minute. We're in a mud hole. Hey, we sure are. Phil in the water must be at least four feet deep. Paved all the way. Now, how are we going to get out of here? That's what I'd like to know. We're out here in the middle of nowhere. I bet there ain't nobody for miles around here that could help a guy. Well, well, well, my good friends, what have we here? Nobody seems to have dealt you a body blow. Roadside order. Yes, you can say that again. Boy, am I glad you came along. Yes, unfortunately, I believe in the cold of the open road. Always help another driver in distress. I'll just throw a tow rope over the front of your front axle there and pull you right out. Well, gee, it's mighty nice of you, mister. No trouble at all. No trouble at all. Always glad to help. Here we go. Ah, that'll be $50. It only took you two minutes to pull me out of there. I know, but it took me five hours to dig the hole. Fine. OK, buddy, here's your money. Thank you very much. By the way, where are your folks going? Oh, we're heading for a place called Herbert's Happy Hacienda. How far is it? Oh, it used to be about three miles up the road, but it ain't been there for years. It ain't been there for years. That's right. Herbert's Happy Hacienda. Ha-ha, remember it well. Herbert's Happy Hacienda. They turned it into a snake farm. Who did? The snakes. Let's go anyway, Curly. You might bump into some of your old friends. Never mind. Look, mister, this changes our plans. We didn't know this country was so bare and desolate. Is there any place around here where people could get a nice long rest? Not above ground. I see, yes. Well, look, I'm not going to let this spoil our trip. At least we got a nice day for it. Let's take a look at that sky, would you? That's the blue sky I ever saw. It's not just an ordinary blue. That blue sky is the bluest kind of blue you'll find anywhere. How do you like that one lousy cloud in the sky and we're under it? Well, come on, we'd better get out of here before we drown. Where are we going? Home. Where else? Home. Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'm sure glad we're back home. Yeah. Good to get those wet clothes off. Ain't it, Curly? Will you please tell me why vacations are always a disappointment? But it never works out the way you think it's going to. Oh, it's those booklets that describe those places. They always exaggerate, Soviet. Yeah, yeah. Remember that place we went a couple of years ago? I can still see the picture on the folder. Ah, yes. Shangri-La in the pines. Yeah. 35 rooms, 35 baths and 10 dirty people. And they had two kinds of rooms. $5 a day and $47.50. $47.50? Yeah, they were the rooms with the wall-to-wall floors. You know, honey, that hotel was the most inconvenient place we ever stayed in. Yeah, I'll never forget the day I missed the bus to the bathroom. Hey, Alice, I haven't thought out yet from that cold rain. You got any hot coffee in the kitchen? No, but I'll make some. I'll make some sandwiches, too. Yeah. Gee, that fireplace feels good. My shoes are almost dry. I'm kind of glad Herbert's happy Hacienda did fold up. It was open, it probably would have been like a place the band played the summer of 1948. That seashore resort. Which seashore resort? This didn't get a chance to powder them up, that's all. What seashore resort? You better go ahead, I don't think I'm going to make it. What house with the water in front of it? Are you going to ask me which seashore resort? You remember the place in the middle of Death Valley? Yeah, yeah. Oh, sure. That was the biggest beach I ever saw. That wasn't the worst swindle, Elliott. That joint advertised the television set in every room, you remember? Some television set. It was just a 21-inch hole cut in the wall between your room and the room next door. That was pretty good, didn't it? Yeah, and all the time I thought the programs on Channel 8 were improving. You know something, Elliott? The big bring down on that trip to the mountains today for me was that I didn't get to do any hunting. Man, I want the... hey, hand me my gun, will you, Elliott? Yeah, here you are, Curly. Look at that beautiful rifle, all oiled up, loaded, everything ready, and I didn't get a chance to shoot it. Not even once. Well, Elliott, I'm gonna shoot it right now. In here? No, no, no. I keep a tin can up on the fence out there in the yard. Look, it's a Chef Spinelli large can. Oh, yeah. Now, watch. The picture of Chef Spinelli on the can, see it? Now, that's what I'm aiming for. That's awful close, Curly. That was good, Curly. The bullet hit his hat. Yeah. That did it. I got him right between the eyes. What's the matter, son? Man, come for another payment or a new washing machine? Oh, oh, hello, Dad. Now, I was just trying out a little target practice with my rifle. See, I use it when I go deer hunting up the mountains. Oh, yeah, by the way, Dad, you ever go up in the mountains? No, Mr. Lewis, it's a little too cold up there for me. Even on these cool nights down here, I have to use my electric blanket. Phil and Alice just gave me. Oh, yeah, that's right, the electric blanket. How's it working out, Dad? It's fine, son. When I'm ready to go to bed, I take some eggs and bacon with me and then the morning we're all ready for breakfast, if you say so. Must be a little sloppy when you're on the beef stew. How is the trip to the mountain, son? Oh, Dad, turn out to be a big flop. Yeah, I coulda told you would, son. What do you mean, Dad? Well, son, I don't trust mountains. I think it goes back to the time your mother walked out on that act we were doing in the circus. Well, she walked out on the act, Dad? Yeah, the best act we ever had. I was the best wire walker Barnum and Bailey ever had. Did the whole thing without a parasol, 150 feet in the air. You walked the wire without any parasol? Oh, that's nothing. Saturday nights, I used to do it without the wire. Yeah, but look, Dad, what's that got to do with you're not liking the mountains? Well, your mother quit the act because she always had the idea she'd like to settle down on a farm. I tried to tell her that show people don't have any business trying to be farmers, but she wasn't listening. You mean that she left the circus and bought a farm? That's what she did, some fast-talking real estate man sold her a farm on the side of a mountain. That farm was built on land that was almost perpendicular. Well, how can anybody farm on land that was that steep? It wasn't easy. Every time a chicken laid an egg, the poor thing had to hold it there with their foot till somebody came and got it. And I kept telling your mother show people have no business buying a farm. Well, you mean that my mom wouldn't come back with a circus? Not for quite a while. Your mother was stubborn, son. In fact, she almost lost her life trying to farm on the side of that mountain. Oh, no. Yeah? Mother didn't realize how steep that land was until one day she was milking the cow and she slept. She'd have fallen 2,000 feet if she hadn't been holding on to something. But your mother's a vain woman, son. Yeah, I know, Dad. And she loves you, son. I remember one time your mother and I took you on a picnic. You were just a tiny little toddler. I'll never forget that day. Oh, yeah, what happened, Dad? Well, the caretaker of the park, he showed us some bushes with bright red leaves and he told your mother not to let you touch them because they were poisonous. He said if you got it at such a young age, it might be fatal. Your mother let you pick all of the red leaves you wanted. Your mother loves you, son. Oh, I know she does, Dad. Well, what happened? Did Curly get poison oak? Worst case I ever saw, the car had been facing in the right direction and I'd have gone for help. Well, didn't anybody do anything? Yes, son, I used the antidote system. I made you eat some of those poison oak leaves. Didn't work like I thought it would. Made you break out on the inside of your stomach, too. Dad, I broke out on the inside of my stomach. Mm-hmm, you were a mess. I couldn't stand the sight of you sitting there itching on the inside without being able to scratch it. So I fed you two pounds of sandpaper and a box of carpet dye. I love you too, son. Oh, well, well, thanks, Dad. It's all right, anytime. Wait a minute. What's your hurry, Dad? Well, your mother and I got to talking and we decided we need a little rest. So we're going away for a little while. Oh, good. That's a good idea, Dad. Oh, yeah, the weather's great and now's the time to take off if you're going to. Well, that's the way we figured it. Where'd you decide to go, Dad? Well, we couldn't make up our mind at first, but we finally decided on a beautiful little place called Herbert's Happy Hacienda. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Blow the trumpets. Sound the horns. Ring the bells. By this time, ladies, you've probably caught on. Something important is happening to the kitchens of America. And that something is from RCA, a wonderful new range that gives you more oven space in less floor space. It's the beautiful new RCA estate space king range. Only 30 inches wide, but packed with so many extra features never before built into a range so compact. The super-sized oven's a good example. It's 24 inches across, easily cooks a banquet for 30 hearty eaters. Double thick insulator walls keep the heat where it belongs inside the oven so your kitchen stays cooler. And your new RCA estate range offers all these facilities for easier cooking. An efficient broiler that won't smoke. Four cooking areas on top. Automatic clock with built-in minute minder. Time-deployance outlets. Disposable, those handy grease catchers you just throw away. And many more conveniences you'll simply have to see to believe. Visit your neighborhood dealers tomorrow. Ask to see the new RCA estate space king ranges. Gas or electric. Priced as low as $144.95. You know, Phil, if we really do get a chance to take a vacation this year, you know where I'd like to go? Where? Well, I'd like to go to that little hotel we stayed at when we first got married. Wouldn't that be fun? We could even get the same honeymoon suite we had. I don't think so. Didn't I tell you Alice, they closed that place. It's out of business. It's all boarded up. Really? Yeah. I often wonder if your mother is still in that closet. Good night, folks. Good night. Excluded in this program, fanscribe with Bill Thompson and Dick LeGrand. A part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. RCA Victor presents a new high-fidelity recording of highlights from one of the world's best-loved operas, Harman. In this new 45 EP album, Raymond Page conducts the Radio City Music Hall Symphony Orchestra in selections from both Carmen and Faust. Listen to this exciting new 45 extended play high-fidelity record at your RCA Victor record dealers now. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. Here can you top this following John Cameron Swayze on the NBC Radio Network.