 Volume 1 Chapter 8 of The Last Man In the meantime, what did Perdita? During the first months of his protectorate, Raymond and she had been inseparable. Each project was discussed with her. Each plan approved by her. I never beheld anyone so perfectly happy as my sweet sister. Her expressive eyes were two stars whose beams were love. Hope and light-heartedness sat on her cloudless brow. She fed even to tears of joy on the praise and glory of her Lord. Her whole existence was one sacrifice to him, and if, in the humility of her heart, she felt self-complacency, it arose from the reflection that she had won the distinguished hero of the age and had for years preserved him, even after time had taken from love its usual nourishment. Her own feeding was as entire as at its birth. Five years had failed to destroy the dazzling unreality of passion. Most men ruthlessly destroyed the sacred vow with which the female heart is wont to adorn the idol of its affections. Not so Raymond, he was an enchanter, whose reign was forever undiminished. A king, whose power never was suspended, follow him through the details of common life, still the same charm of grace and majesty adorned him. Nor could he be dispoiled of the innate verification with which nature had invested him. But he too grew in beauty and excellence under his eye. I no longer recognised my reserved, abstracted sister in the fascinating and open-hearted wife of Raymond. The genius that enlightened her countenance was now united to an expression of benevolence which gave divine perfection to her beauty. Happiness is, in its highest degree, the sister of goodness. Suffering and amiability makes this together and writers have loved to depict their conjunction. There is a human and touching harmony in the picture. But perfect happiness is an attribute of angels and those who possess it appear angelic. Fear has been said to be the parent of religion. Even of that religion is it the generator which leads its votaries to sacrifice human victims at its altars. But the religion which springs from happiness is a lovelier growth. The religion which makes the heart breathe forth fervent thanksgiving and causes us to pour out the overflowns of the soul before the author of our being. That which is the parent of the imagination and the nurse of poetry. That which bestows benevolent intelligence on the visible mechanism of the world and makes earth a temple with heaven for its cope. Such happiness, goodness and religion inhabited the mind of Perdita. During the five years we had spent together a knot of happy human beings at Windsor Castle. A blissful lot had been the frequent theme of my sister's conversation. From early habit and natural affection she selected me in preference to Adrian or Idris to be the partner in her overflowns of delight. Perhaps, though apparently much unlike some secret point of resemblance, the offspring of Consanguinity induced his preference. Often at sunset I have walked with her in the sober and shadowed forest paths and listened with joyful sympathy. Security gave dignity to her passion. The certainty of a full return left her with no wish unfulfilled. The birth of her daughter, embryo copy of her aim and filled up the measure of her content and produced a sacred and indissoluble tie between them. Sometimes she felt proud that he had preferred her to the hopes of a crown. Sometimes she remembered that she had suffered keen anguish when he hesitated in his choice. But this memory of past discontent only served to enhance her present joy. What had been hardly won was now entirely possessed doubly dear. She would look at him at a distance with the same rapture a far more exuberant rapture that one might feel who after the pearls of a tempest should find himself in the desired port. She would hasten towards him to feel more certain in his arms the reality of her bliss. This warmth of affection added to the depth of her understanding and the brilliancy of her imagination made her beyond words dear to Raymond. If a feeling of dissatisfaction ever crossed her it arose from the idea that he was not perfectly happy. Desire of renown and presumptuous ambition had characterised his youth. The one he had acquired in Greece the other he had sacrificed to love. His intellect found sufficient field for exercise in his domestic circle whose members all adorned by refinement and literature were many of them like himself distinguished by genius. Yet active life was the genuine soil for his virtues and he sometimes suffered tedium from the monotonous succession of events in our retirement. Pride made him recoil from complaint and gratitude and affection to Padita generally acted as an opiate to all desire save that of meriting her love. We all observed the visitation of these feelings and none regarded them so much as Padita. A life consecrated to him was a slight sacrifice to reward his choice but was not that sufficient. Did he need any gratification that she was unable to bestow? This was the only cloud in the azure of her happiness. His passage to power had been full of pain to both. He however attained his wish. He filled the situation for which nature seemed to have moulded him. His activity was fed in wholesome measure without either exhaustion or satiety. His taste and genius found worthy expression in each of the modes human beings are invented to engage and manifest the spirit of beauty. The goodness of his heart made him never weary of conducing to the well-being of his fellow creatures. His magnificent spirit and aspirations for the respect and love of mankind now received fruition. True, his exultation was temporary. Perhaps it were better that it should be so. Habit would not dull his sense of the enjoyment of power nor struggles disappointment and defeat await the end of that which would expire at its maturity. He determined to extract and condense all of glory, power and achievement which might have resulted from a long reign into the three years of his protectorate. Raymond was eminently social. All that he now enjoyed would have been devoid of pleasure to him had it been unparticipated. But in Perdita he possessed all that his heart could desire. Her love gave birth to sympathy. Her intelligence made her understand him at a word. Her powers of intellect enabled her to assist and guide him. He felt her worth. During the early years of their union the inequality of her temper and yet unsubdued self-will which tarnished her character had been a slight drawback to the fullness of his sentiment. Now that unchained serenity and gentle compliance were added to her other qualifications his respect equaled his love. He was added to the strictness of their union. They did not now guess at and totter on the pathway running the mode to please hoping yet fearing the continuance of bliss. Five years gave a sober certainty to their emotions though it did not rub them of their ethereal nature. It had given them a child but it had not detracted from the personal attractions of my sister. Timidity which in her had almost amounted to awkwardness was exchanged through a graceful decision of manner. Frankness instead of reserve characterised her physiognomy and her voice was attuned to the thrilling softness. She was now three and twenty in the pride of womanhood fulfilling the precious duties of wife and mother possessed of all her heart had ever coveted. Raymond was ten years older to his previous beauty noble mean and commanding aspect he now added gentlest benevolence winning tenderness graceful and unwirret attention to the wishes of another. The first secret that had existed between them was the visits of Raymond to Evadmy. He had been struck by the fortitude and beauty of the ill-fated Greek and when her constant tenderness toward him unfolded itself he asked with astonishment by what act of his he had merited this passionate and unrequited love. He was for a while the sole object of his reveries and Perdita became aware that his thoughts and time were bestowed on a subject unparticipated by her. My sister was by nature destitute of the common feelings of anxious, petulant jealousy. The treasure which she possessed in the affections of Raymond was more necessary to her being than the lifeblood that animated her veins more truly than a thello she might say to be once in doubt is once to be resolved. On the present occasion she did not suspect any alienation of affection but she conjectured that some circumstance connected with its high place had occasioned this mystery. She was startled and pained. She began to count the long days and months and years which must elapse before he would be restored to a private station and unreservedly to her. She was not content that even for a time he should practice concealment with her. She often repined but her trust in the synchronous of his affection was undisturbed and when they were together and checked by fear she opened her heart to the fullest delight. Time went on. Raymond stopping midway on his wild career pulled suddenly to think of consequences. Two results presented themselves in the view he took of the future. That his intercourse with Evadney should continue a secret or that finally it should be discovered by Padita. The destitute condition and highly wrought feelings of his friend prevented him from averting to the possibility of exiling himself from her. In the first event he had bidden an eternal farewell to open-hearted converse and entire sympathy with the companion of his life. The veil must be thicker than that invented by Turkish jealousy. The wall higher the now unscalable tower of Vathek which should conceal from her the workings of his heart and hide from her view the secret of his actions. This idea was intolerably painful to him. Frankness and social feelings were the essence of Raymond's nature. Without them his qualities became commonplace. Without these to spread glory over his intercourse with Padita his wanted exchange of a throne for her love was as weak and empty as a rainbow hues which vanished when the sun is down. But there was no remedy. Genius, devotion and courage the adornments of his mind and the energies of his soul all exerted to their utmost stretch could not roll back one hair's breadth the wheel of time's chariot. That which has been was written with the admin-time pen of reality on the everlasting volume of the past nor could agony and tears suffice to wash out one iota from the act fulfilled. But this was the best side of the question. What if circumstance should lead Padita to suspect and suspect him to be resolved? The fires of his fame became relaxed and cold juice stood on his forehead at this idea. Many men may scoff at this dread but he read the future and the peace of Padita was too dear to him. A speechless agony too certain and too fearful not to unman him. His course was speedily decided upon. If the worst befell if she learnt the truth he would neither stand her reproaches or the anguish of her altered looks. He would forsake her England his friends the sins of his youth the hopes of coming time he would seek another country and in other sins begin life again. Having resolved on this he became calmer he endeavoured to guide with prudence the steeds of destiny to the devious road which he had chosen and bent all his efforts the better to conceal what he could not alter. The perfect confidence that subsisted between Padita and him rendered every communication common between them. They opened each other's letters even as until now the inmost folds of the heart of each was disclosed to the other. A letter came unawares Padita read it. Had it contained confirmation she must have been annihilated as it was trembling cold and pale she sought Raymond he was alone examining some petitions lately presented she entered silently sat on a sofa opposite to him and gazed on him with a look of such despair that wild shrieks and diamonds would have been tame exhibitions of misery compared to the living incarnation of the thing itself exhibited by her. At first he did not take his eyes from the papers when he raised them he was struck by the wretchedness manifest on her altered cheek for a moment he forgot his own acts and fears and asked with consternation dearest girl what is the matter what has happened nothing she replied at first and yet not so she continued hurrying on in her speech you have secrets Raymond where have you been lately whom have you seen what do you conceal from me why am I banished from your confidence yet this is not it I do not intend to inch up you with questions one will suffice am I completely a wretch with trembling hands she gave him the paper and sat white and motionless looking at him while he read it he recognised the handwriting of Eve Adney and the colour mounted in his cheeks with lightning speed he can see the contents of the letter always now cast on one die falsehood and artifice with the light of her eyes falsehood and artifice were trifles in comparison with the impending ruin he would either entirely dispel Perdita's suspicions or quit her forever my dear girl he said I have been to blame but you must pardon me I was in the wrong to commence a system of concealment but I did it for the sake of sparing you pain and each day has rendered it more difficult for me to alter my plan besides I was instigated by delicacy towards the unhappy writer of these few lines Perdita gasped well she cried we'll go on that is all this paper tells all I am placed in the most difficult circumstances I have done my best though perhaps I have done wrong my love for you is in violet Perdita shook her head doubtingly it cannot be she cried I know that it is not you'll deceive me but I will not be deceived I have lost you myself my life do you not believe me said Raymond Hortley to believe you she exclaimed I would give up all and expire with joy so that in death I could feel that you were true but that cannot be Perdita continued Raymond on which you stand you may believe that I did not enter on my present line of conduct without reluctance and pain I knew that it was possible that your suspicions might be excited but I trusted that my simple word would cause them to disappear I built my hope on your confidence do you think that I will be questioned and my replies disdainfully set aside do you think that I will be suspected perhaps watched questioned and disbelieved I am not yet fallen so low my honour is not yet so tarnished you have loved me I adored you but all human sentiments come to an end let our affection expire but let it not be exchanged for distrust and recrimination here to fall we have been friends lovers let us not become enemies mutual spies I cannot live the object of suspicion you cannot believe me let us part exactly so cried Perdita I knew that it would come to this are we not already parted does not a stream boundless as ocean deep his vacuum yawn between us Raymond Rose his voice was broken his features convulsed his manner calm as the earthquake cradling atmosphere he replied I am rejoiced that you take my decision philosophically doubtless you will play the part of the injured wife to admiration sometimes you may be stung with the feeling that you have wronged me but the condolence of your relatives the pity of the world the complacency which the consciousness of your only macular innocence will bestow will be excellent balm me you will never see more Raymond moved towards the door he forgot that each word he spoke was false he personated his assumption of innocence even to self deception have not acted as wept as they portrayed imagined passion a more intense feeling of the reality of fiction possessed Raymond he spoke with pride he felt injured Perdita looked up she saw his angry glance his hand was in the lock of the door she started up she threw herself on his neck he took her hand and leading her to the sofa sat down near her her head fell on his shoulder she trembled alternate changes of fire and ice ran through her limbs observing her emotion he spoke with softened accents the blow is given I will not part from you in anger I owe you too much I owe you six years of unallied happiness but they are past I will not live in the mark of suspicion the object of jealousy I love you too well in an eternal separation only can either of us hope for dignity and propriety of action we shall not then be degraded from our true characters faith and devotion have hitherto been the essence of our intercourse there is lost that has not clung to the seedless husk of life the uncurned shell have your child your brother and you, cried Padita the writer of that letter uncontrollable indignation flashed from the eyes of Raymond he knew that this accusation at least was false entertained this belief, he cried hug it to your heart make it a pillow to your head an opiate for your eyes I am content but by the God that made me more false than the word you have spoken Padita was struck by the impassioned seriousness of his assertions she replied with earnestness I do not refuse to believe you, Raymond on the contrary I promise to put implicit faith in your simple word and you assure me that your love and faith towards me have never been violated and suspicion and doubt and jealousy will at once be dispersed continue as we have ever done one heart, one hope one life I have already assured you of my fidelity said Raymond with disdainful coldness triple assertions will avail nothing where one is despised I will say no more for I can add nothing to what I have already said to watch you before contemptuously set aside this contention is unworthy of both of us and I confess that I am weary of my own to charges at once unfounded and unkind Padita tried to read his countenance which he angrily averted there was so much of truth and nature in his resentment that her doubts were dispelled her countenance which for years had not expressed a feeling unallied to affection became again radiant and satisfied she found it however no easy task to soften and reconcile Raymond at first he refused to stay to hear her but she would not be put off secure of his unaltered love she was willing to undertake any labor use any entreaty to dispel his anger she obtained a hearing he sat in haughty silence but he listened she first assured him of her boundless confidence of this he must be conscious since but for that she would not seek to detain him she enumerated their years of happiness she brought before him past scenes of intimacy and happiness she pictured their future life she mentioned their child tears unbidden now filled her eyes she tried to disperse them but they refused to be checked her utterance was choked she had not wept before Raymond could not resist these signs of distress he felt perhaps somewhat ashamed of the part he acted of the injured man he who was in truth the injurer and then he devoutly loved Perdita the bend of her head her glossy ringlets the turn of her form were to him subjects of deep tenderness and admiration as she spoke her melodious tones entered his soul he soon softened toward her comforting and caressing her endeavouring to cheat himself into the belief that he had never wronged her Raymond staggered forth from this scene as a man might do who had been just put to the torture and looked forward to when it would be again inflicted he had sinned against his own honour by affirming, swearing to a direct falsehood true, this he had palmed on a woman and it might therefore be deemed less base by others not by him for whom had he deceived his own trusting devoted affectionate Perdita whose generous belief called him doubly when he remembered the parade of innocence with which it had been exacted the mind of Raymond was not so roughcast nor had been so rudely handled in the circumstance of life as to make him proof to these considerations on the contrary he was all nerve his spirit was as a pure fire which fades and shrinks from heavy contagion of foul atmosphere but now the contagion had become incorporated with his essence and the change was the more painful truth and falsehood love and hate lost their eternal boundaries heaven had rushed into mingle with hell while his sensitive mind turned to a field for such battle was stung to madness he heartily despised himself he was angry with Perdita and the idea of Evadny was attended by all that was hideous and cruel his passions, always his masters acquired fresh strength from the long sweep in which love had cradled them the clinging weight of destiny bent him down he was goaded, tortured fiercely impatient of that worst of miseries the sense of remorse this troubled state yielded by degrees to sullen animosity and depression of spirits his dependence, even his equals if in his present post he had any were started to find anger division and bitterness in one before distinguished persuivity and benevolence of men he transacted public business with distaste and hastened from it to the solitude which was at once his bane and relief he mounted a fiery horse that which had borne him forward to victory in Greece he fatigued himself with deadening exercise, losing the pangs of a troubled mind in animal sensation he slowly recovered himself yet at last as one might from the effects of poison he lifted his head from above the vapours of fever and passion into the still atmosphere of calm reflection he meditated on what was best to be done he was first struck by the space of time that had elapsed since madness rather than any reasonable impulse had regulated his actions a month had gone by and during that time he had not seen Evadny her power which was linked to a few of the enduring emotions of his heart had greatly decayed he was no longer her slave no longer her lover he would never see her more and by the completeness of his return deserved the confidence of Padita yet as he thus determined fancy conjured up the miserable abode of the Greek girl an abode which from noble and lofty principle she had refused to exchange for one of greater luxury he thought of the splendour of her situation and appearance when he first knew her he thought of her life at Constantinople attended by every circumstance of oriental magnificence of her present penury her daily task of industry her long state her faded famine struck cheek compassion swelled his breast he would see her once again he would devise some plan for restoring her to society an enjoyment of her rank their separation would then follow as a matter of course again he thought how during this long month he had avoided Padita flying from her as from the stings of his own conscience but he was awake now all this should be remedied and a future devotion he raised the memory of this only blot on the serenity of their life he became cheerful as he thought of this and soberly and resolutely marked out the line of conduct he remembered that he had promised Padita to be present this very evening the 19th of October anniversary of his election as protector at a festival given in his honour good augury should this festival be of the happiness of future years first he would look in on invadmy he would not stay but he owed her some account some compensation for his long years and then to Padita to the forgotten world to the duties of society the splendour of rank the enjoyment of power after the scene sketched in the preceding pages Padita had contemplated an entire change in the manners and conduct of Raymond she expected freedom of communication and a return to those habits of affectionate intercourse which would form the delight of her life she did not join her in any of her avocations he transacted the business of the day apart from her he went out, she knew not with her the pain inflicted by this disappointment was tormenting and keen she looked on it as a deceitful dream and tried to throw off the consciousness of it but like the shirt of Nessus it clung to her very flesh a net with sharp agony a vital principle she possessed that though such an assertion may appear a paradox which belongs to few a capacity of happiness her delicate organisation and creative imagination rendered her peculiarly susceptible of pleasurable emotion the overflowing warmth of her heart by making love a plant of deep root and stately growth had attuned her whole soul to the reception of happiness when she found in Raymond all that could adorn love and satisfy her imagination but if the sentiment on which the fabric of her existence was founded became commonplace through participation the endless succession of attentions and graceful actions snapped by transfer his universe of love rested from her happiness must depart and then be exchanged for its opposite the same peculiarities a character rendered her sorrows agonies her fancy magnified them her sensibility made her forever open to their renewed impression love in venom the heart piercing sting there was neither submission patience nor self abandonment in her grief she fought with it struggled beneath it and rendered every pang more sharp by resistance again and again the idea recurred that he loved another she did him justice she believed that he felt a tender affection for her but give a paltry prize to him who in some life-pending lottery has calculated on the possession of tens of thousands and it would disappoint him more than a blank the affection and amity of a Raymond might be inestimable but beyond that affection the wisdom deeper than friendship was the indivisible treasure of love take the sum in its completeness and no arithmetic can calculate its price take from it the smallest portion give it but the name of parts separate it into degrees and sections and like the magician's coin the valueless gold of the mine is turned to a vile substance there is a meaning in the eye of love a cadence in its voice an irradiation in its smile the talisman of whose enchantments one can only possess its spirit is elemental its essence single its divinity a unit the very heart and soul of Raymond and Perdita had mingled even as two mountain-brooks that join in their descent and murmuring and sparkling flow shining pebbles beside starry flowers but let one desert its primal course or be dammed up by choking obstruction and the other shrinks in its altered banks Perdita was sensible of the failing of the tide that fed her life unable to support the slow withering of her hopes she suddenly formed a plan reserving to terminate at once the period of misery and to bring to unhappy conclusion the late disastrous events the anniversary was at hand of the exultation of Raymond to the office of protector and it was customary to celebrate this day by a splendid festival a variety of feelings urged Perdita to shed double magnificence over this scene it as she arrayed herself for the evening gala she wandered herself at the pains she took to render sumptuous the celebration of an event which appeared to her the beginning of her sufferings woe before the day she thought woe tears and mourning betide the hour that gave Raymond another hope than love another wish than my devotion and thrice joy for the moment when he shall be restored to me God knows I put my trust in his vows and believe his asserted faith but for that I would not seek what I am now resolved to attain shall two years more be thus passed each day adding to her alienation each act being another stone piled on the barrier which separates us no my Raymond my only beloved sole possession of Perdita this night this splendid assembly these sumptuous apartments and this adornment of your tearful girl are all united to celebrate your abdication once for me you relinquished the prospect of a crown that was in days of early love when I could only hold out the hope not the assurance of happiness now you have the experience of all that I can give the heart's devotion taintless love and unhesitating subjection to you you must choose between these and your protectorate this, proud noble is your last night Perdita has bestowed on it all of magnificent and dazzling that your heart best loves but from these gorgeous rooms from this princely attendance from power and elevation you must return with tomorrow's sun to a rural abode for I would not buy any mortality of joy by the endurance of one more week than the last brooding over this plan resolved when the hour should come to propose and insist upon its accomplishment secure of his consent the heart of Perdita was lightened or rather, exalted her cheek was flushed by the expectation of struggle her eyes sparkled with the hope of triumph having cast her fate upon a die and feeling secure of winning whom I have named as bearing the stamp of queen of nations on her noble braille now rose superior to humanity and seemed in calm power to rest with her finger the wheel of destiny she had never before looked so supremely lovely we, the Arcadian shepherds of the tale, had intended to be present at this festivity but Perdita wrote to entreat us not to come and absent ourselves from Windsor for she, though she did not reveal her scheme to us resolved the next morning to return with Raymond to our dear circle there to renew a course of life in which she had found entire felicity late in the evening she entered the apartments appropriated to the festival Raymond had quitted the palace the night before he had promised to grace the assembly returned still she felt sure that he would come at last and the wider the breach might appear at this crisis the more secure she was of closing it forever it was as I said the 19th of October the autumn was far advanced and dreary the wind held the half bare trees were despoiled of the remainder of their summer ornament the state of the air which induced the decay of and was hostile to cheerfulness or hope Raymond had been exalted by the determination he had made but with the declining day his spirits declined first he was to visit Ivedny and then to hasten to the palace of the protectorate as he walked through the wetted streets in the neighbourhood of the luckless Greeks abode his heart smote him for the whole course of his conduct to alter first his having entered into any engagement that should permit her to remain in such a state of degradation and then after a short wild dream having left her to drear solitude anxious conjecture and bitter still disappointed expectation what had she done the while how supported his absence and neglect light grew dim in his close streets and when the well known door was opened the staircase was shrouded in perfect night he groped his way up he entered the garret he found Ivedny stretched speechless almost lifeless on her wetted bed he called for the people of the house but could learn nothing from them except that they knew nothing her story was plain to him plain and distinct as the remorse and horror that darted their fangs into him when she found herself by him she lost the heart to pursue her usual avocations pride forbade every application to him famine was welcomed as the kind porter to the gates of death within whose opening folds she should now without sin quickly repose no critter came near her as her strength failed if she died where could there be found on record a murderer whose cruel act might compare with his? what feigned more wanton in his mischief what damned soul more worthy of petition but he was not reserved for this agony of self reproach he sent for medical assistance the hours passed spun by suspense into ages the darkness of the long autumnal night yielded today before her life was secure he had her then removed to a more commodious dwelling and hovered about her again and again to assure himself that she was safe in the midst of his greatest suspense and fear as to the event he remembered the festival given in his honor by Padita in his honor then when misery and death were fixing indelible disgrace to his name honor to him whose crimes deserved a scaffold this was the worst mockery still Padita would expect him he wrote a few incoherent words on a scrap of paper testifying that he was well and bathed the woman of the house take it to the palace and deliver it into the hands of the wife of the Lord Protector the woman who did not know him contemptuously asked how he thought she should gain admittance particularly on a festival night to that lady's presence Raymond gave her his ring with no respect of the menials thus while Padita was entertaining her guests and anxiously awaiting the arrival of her lord his ring was bought to her and she was told that a poor woman had a note to deliver to her from its wearer the vanity of the old gossip was raised by her commission which after all she did not understand since she had no suspicion even now that his visitor was Lord Raymond Padita dreaded a fall from his horse or some similar accident so the woman's answers woke other fears from a feeling of cunning, blindly exercised, ephicious if not malignant messenger did not speak of Adna's illness but she garulously gave an account of Raymond's frequent visits adding to her narration such circumstances as while they convinced Padita of its truth exaggerated the unkindness of the perfidy of Raymond worst of all his absence now from the festival his message wholly unaccounted for except by the disgraceful hints of the woman appeared the deadliest insult again she looked at the ring it was a small ruby almost heart shaped which she had herself given him she looked at the handwriting which she could not mistake and repeated to herself the words do not I charge you I entreat you permit your guests to wonder at my absence the while the old crone going on with her talk filled her ear with a strange melody of truth and falsehood at length Padita dismissed her the poor girl returned to the assembly where her presence had not been missed she glided into a recess somewhat obscured and leaning against an ornamental column there placed tried to recover herself her faculties were paused she gazed on some flowers that stood near in a carved vase that morning she had arranged them they were rare and lovely plants even now all aghast as she was she observed their brilliant colours and starry shapes divine infoliation of the spirit of beauty she exclaimed ye droop not, neither do ye mourn the despair that clasps my heart has not spread contagion over you why am I not a partner of your insensibility a sharer in your calm she paused to my task she continued mentally my guests must not perceive the reality either as it regards him or me I obey they shall not though I die the moment they are gone they shall behold the antipodes it is real for I will appear to live while I am dead it required all her self command to suppress the gash of tears self pity caused at this idea after many struggles she succeeded and turned to join the company all her efforts were now directed to the dissembling of her internal conflict she had to play the part of a courteous hostess to attend to all to shine the focus of enjoyment and grace she had to do this while in deep woe she sighed for loneliness and would gladly have exchanged her crowded rooms for dark forest depths or a drear night in shadowed heath but she became gay she could not keep in the medium nor be as was usual with her placidly content everyone remarked her exhilarations of spirit as all actions appear graceful in the eye of rank her guests surrounded her applaudingly although there was a sharpness in her laugh and an abruptness in her sallies which might have betrayed her secret to an attentive observer she went on feeling that if she had paused for a moment the checked waters of misery would have delused her soul that her wrecked hopes would raise their wailing voices and that those who now echoed her mirth and provoked her repartees would have shrunk in fear from her convulsive despair her only consolation during the violence which she did herself was to watch the motions of an illuminated clock and internally count the moments which must elapse before she could be alone at length the rooms began to thin mocking her own desires she rallied her guests on their early departure one by one they left her at length she pressed the hand of her last visitor how cold and damp your hand is said her friend you are over-fatigued pray hasten to rest Perdita smiled faintly her guests left her the courage rolling down the street assured the final departure then as if pursued by an enemy as if wings had been at her feet she flew to her own apartment she dismissed her attendance she locked the doors she threw herself wildly on the floor she bit her lips even to blood to suppress her shrieks and lay long a prey to the vulture of despair striving not to think while multitudinous ideas made a home of her heart and ideas hurried as furies cruel as vipers and poured in with such swift succession that they seemed to jostle and wound each other so they worked her up to madness at length she rose more composed, not less miserable she stood before a large mirror she gazed on her reflected image her light and graceful dress the jewels that studded her hair and encircled her beautyous arms and neck her small feet shod in satin her profuse and glossy tresses all were to her clouded braille and woe-begone countenance like a gorgeous frame to a dark tempest-portraying picture Vars am I, she thought Vars bring full of despair's direst essence Farewell, Perdita Farewell, poor girl never again will you see yourself thus luxury and wealth are no longer yours in the excess of your poverty you may envy the homeless beggar most truly am I without a home I live on a barren desert which wide and interminable brings forth neither fruit or flower in the midst is a solitary rock to which their old Perdita are chained and thou seest the dreary level stretched far away she threw open her window which looked on the palace garden light and darkness were struggling together and the orient was streaked by rosette and golden rays one star only trembled in the depth of the kindling atmosphere the morning air blowing freshly over the dewy plants rushed into the heated room all things go on, thought Perdita all things proceed decay and perish when noontide is past and the weary day has driven her team to their western stalls the fires of heaven rise from the east moving in their accustomed path they ascend and descend the sky hill when their course is fulfilled the dial begins to cast westward an uncertain shadow the eyelids of day are opened and birds and flowers the startled vegetation and fresh breeze awaken the sun at length appears and in majestic procession climbs the capital of heaven all proceeds changes and dies except the sense of misery in my bursting heart aye, all proceeds and changes what wonder then that love has journeyed on to its setting and that the lord of my life has changed we call the supernal lights fixed yet they wonder about yonder plain and if I look again where I looked an hour ago the face of the eternal heavens is altered the silly moon and inconstant planets vary nightly their erratic dance the sun itself sovereign of the sky ever and anon deserts his throne and leaves his dominions to night and winter nature grows old and shakes in her decaying limbs creation has become bankrupt what wonder then that eclipse and death have led to destruction the light of their life opedita end of volume 1 chapter 8 volume 1 chapter 9 of The Last Man this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Philippa Willits The Last Man by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley volume 1 chapter 9 thus sad and disarranged were the thoughts of my poor sister when she became assured of the infidelity of Raymond all her virtues and all her defects tended to make the blow incurable her affection for me her brother for Adrian and Idris was subject as it were to the reigning passion of her heart even her maternal tenderness borrowed half its force from the delight she had in tracing Raymond's features and expression in the infant's countenance she had been reserved and even stern in childhood but love had softened the asperities of her character and her union with Raymond had caused her talents and affections to unfold themselves the one betrayed and the other lost she in some degree returned to her ancient disposition the concentrated pride of her nature forgotten during her blissful dream awoke and with its adders sting pierced her heart her humility of spirit augmented the power of the venom she had been exalted in her own estimation while distinguished by his love of what worth was she now that he thrust her from this preferment she had been proud of having won and preserved him but another had won him from her and her exultation was as cold as a water quenched ember we in our retirement remained long in ignorance of her misfortune soon after the festival she had sent for her child her forgottenness Adrian observed a change during a visit that he afterward paid them but he could not tell its extent or divine the cause they still appeared in public together and lived under the same roof Raymond was as usual courteous though there was on occasions an unbidden haughtiness or painful abruptness in his manners which startled his gentle friend his brow was not clouded but disdain sat on his lips and his voice was harsh Perditor was all kindness and attention to her lord but she was silent and beyond words sad she had grown thin and pale and her eyes often filled with tears sometimes she looked at Raymond as if to say that it should be so at others her countenance expressed I will still do all I can to make you happy but Adrian read with uncertain aim the character of her face and might mistake Clara was always with her and she seemed most at ease when in an obscure corner she could sit holding her child's hand silent and lonely still Adrian was unable to guess the truth he entreated them to visit us at Windsor and they promised to come during the following month it was May before they arrived the season had decked the forest trees with leaves and its path with a thousand flowers we had notice of their intention the day before and early in the morning Perditor arrived with her daughter Raymond would follow soon she said he had been detained by business according to Adrian's account I had expected to find her sad but on the contrary she seemed in the highest spirits true she had grown thin her eyes were somewhat hollow and her cheeks sunk though tinged by a bright glow she was delighted to see us caressed our children praised their growth and development Clara also was pleased to meet again her young friend Alfred all kinds of childish games were entered into in which Perditor joined she communicated her gaiety to us and as we amused ourselves on the castle terrace to happier, less careworn party could not have been assembled this is better mama said Clara than being in that dismal London where you often cry and never laugh as you do now silence little foolish thing replied her mother and remember anyone that mentions London is sent to Coventry for an hour soon after Raymond arrived he did not join as usual in the playful spirit of the rest entering into conversation with Adrian and myself by degrees we succeeded from our companions and Idris and Perditor only remained with the children Raymond talked of his new buildings of his plan for an establishment for the better education of the poor as usual Adrian and he entered into argument and the time slipped away unperceived we assembled again towards evening and Perditor insisted on our having recourse to music she wanted, she said to give us a specimen of her new accomplishment for since she had been in London she had applied herself to music and sang without much power but with a great deal of sweetness we were not permitted by her to select any but light hearted melodies and all the operas of Mozart were called into service that we might choose the most exhilarating of his heirs among the other transcendent attributes of Mozart's music it possesses more than any other that of appearing to come from the heart you enter into the passions expressed by him and are transported with grief, joy anger or confusion as he, our soul's master chooses to inspire for some time the spirit of hilarity was kept up but at length Perditor receded from the piano for Raymond had joined in the trio Stichore in Don Giovanni whose arch and treaty was softened by him into tenderness and thrilled her heart with memories of the changed past it was the same voice the same tone the self same sounds and words which often before she had received as the homage of love to her no longer was it that and this concord of sound with its dissonance of expression penetrated her with regret and despair soon after Idris, who was at the harp turned to that passionate and sorrowful air in Figaro Porghi Amor Qualcheris Foro in which the deserted Countess laments the change of the faithless Alma Viva the sound of tender sorrow is breathed forth in this strain and the sweet voice of Idris sustained by the mournful chords of her instrument added to the expression of the words during the pathetic appeal with which it concludes a stifled sob attracted our attention to Perdita the cessation of the music recalled her to herself she hastened out of the hall I followed her at first she seemed to wish to shun me and then yielding to my earnest questioning she threw herself on my neck and wept aloud once more she cried once more on your friendly breast my beloved brother poor forth her sorrows I had imposed a law of silence on myself and for months I have kept it I do wrong in weeping now and greater wrong in giving words to my grief I will not speak be it enough for you to know that I am miserable be it enough for you to know that the painted veil of life is rent that I sit forever shrouded in darkness and gloom that grief is my sister my reputation, my mate I endeavoured to console her I did not question her but I caressed her assured her of my deepest affection and my intense interest in the changes of her fortune dear words she cried expressions of love come upon my ear like the remembered sounds of forgotten music that had been dear to me they are vain I know how very vain in their attempt to soothe or comfort me dearest Lionel you cannot guess what I have suffered during these long months I have read of mourners in ancient days who clothed themselves in sackcloth scattered dust upon their heads ate their bread mingled with ashes and took up their abode on the bleak mountain tops reproaching heaven and earth aloud with their misfortunes why this is the very luxury of sorrow thus one might go from day to day contriving new extravagances reveling in the paraphernalia of woe wedded to all the appurtenances of despair alas I must forever conceal the wretchedness that consumes me I must weave a veil of dazzling falsehood to hide my grief from vulgar eyes smooth my brow and paint my lips in deceitful smiles even in solitude I dare not think how lost I am to insane and rave the tears and agitation of my poor sister had rendered her unfit to return to the circle we had left so I persuaded her to let me drive her through the park and during the ride I induced her to confide the tale of her unhappiness to me fancying that talking of it would lighten the burden and certain that if there were a remedy it should be found unsecured to her several weeks had elapsed the festival of the anniversary and she had been unable to calm her mind or to subdue her thoughts to any regular train sometimes she reproached herself for taking too bitterly to heart that which many would esteem an imaginary evil but this was no subject for reason and ignorant as she was of the motives and true conduct of Raymond things assumed for her even a worse appearance than the reality warranted he was seldom at the palace never but when he was assured that his public duties would prevent his remaining alone with Perditor they seldom addressed each other shunning explanation each fearing any communication the other might make suddenly however the manners of Raymond changed he appeared to design to find opportunities of bringing about a return to kindness and intimacy with my sister the tide of love towards her appeared to flow again he could never forget how once he had been devoted to her making her the shrine and storehouse wherein to place every thought and every sentiment shame seemed to hold him back yet he evidently wished to establish a renewal of confidence and affection from the moment Perditor had sufficiently recovered herself to form any plan of action she had laid one down which she now prepared to follow she received these tokens of returning love with gentleness she did not shun his company but she endeavoured to place a barrier in the way of familiar intercourse or painful discussion which mingled pride and shame prevented Raymond from surmounting he began at last to shoo signs of angry impatience and Perditor became aware that the system she had adopted could not continue she must explain herself to him she did not summon courage to speak she wrote thus read this letter with patience I entreat you it will contain no reproaches reproaches indeed an idle word for what should I reproach you allow me in some degree to explain my feeling without that we shall both grope in the dark mistaking one another erring from the path which may conduct these to a more eligible mode of life than that led by either during the last few weeks I loved you I love you neither anger nor pride dictates these lines but a feeling beyond deeper and more unalterable than either my affections are wounded it is impossible to heal them cease then the vain endeavour if indeed that were your endeavours tend forgiveness I can idle words are these I forgive the pain I endure but the trodden path cannot be retraced common affection might have been satisfied with common usages I believed that you read my heart I knew its devotion it's an alienable fidelity towards you I never loved any but you you came the embodied image of my fondest dreams the praise of men power and high aspirations attended your career love for you invested the world for me an enchanted light it was no longer the earth I trod the earth common mother yielding only trite and stale repetition of objects and circumstances old and worn out I lived in a temple glorified by intensest sense of devotion and rapture I walked a consecrated being contemplating only your power your excellence for oh you stood beside me like my youth transformed for me the real to a dream clothing the palpable unfamiliar with golden exhalations of the dawn the bloom has vanished from my life there is no morning to this all-investing night no rising to the set son of love in those days the rest of the world was nothing to me all of the men I never considered nor felt what they were nor did I look on you as one of them separated from them exalted in my heart sole possessor of my affections single object of my hopes the best half of myself ah Raymond were we not happy did the sun shine on any who could enjoy its light pure and more intense bliss it was not it is not a common infidelity at which I repine it is the disunion of an whole which may not have parts it is the carelessness with which you have shaken off the mantle of election with which to me you are invested and have become one among the many dream not to alter this is not love a divinity because it is immortal did not I appear sanctified even to myself because this love had for its temple my heart I have gazed on you as you slept melted even to tears as the idea filled my mind that all I possessed lay cradled in those idolized but mortal lineaments before me yet even then I have checked thick coming fears with one thought I would not fear death emotions that linked us must be immortal and now I do not fear death I should be well pleased to close my eyes never more to open them again and yet I fear it even as I fear all things for in any state of being linked by the chain of memory with this happiness would not return even in paradise I must feel that your love was less enduring than the mortal beatings of my fragile heart every pulse of which nails audibly the funeral note of love deep buried without resurrection no no me miserable for love extinct there is no resurrection yet I love you yet and forever would I contribute all I possessed to your welfare on account of a tattling world for the sake of my of our child by you Raymond share your fortunes partake your counsel shall it be thus we are no longer lovers nor can I call myself a friend to any since lost as I am I have no thought to spare from my own wretched and grossing self but it will please me to see you each day to listen to the public voice praising you to keep up your maternal love for our girl to know that I am near you though you are no longer mine if you wish to break the chains that bind us say the word and it shall be done I will take all the blame on myself of harshness or unkindness in the world's eye yet as I have said I should be best pleased at least for the present to live under the same roof with you when the fever of my young life is spent when placid age shall tame the vulture that devours me friendship may come love and hope being dead may this be true can my soul inextricably linked to this perishable frame become lethargic and cold even as this sensitive mechanism shall use its youthful elasticity then with lacklustre eyes grey hairs and wrinkled brow though now the words sound hollow and meaningless then, tottering on the grave's extreme edge I may be your affectionate and true friend perditor Raymond's answer was brief what indeed could he reply to her complaints to her griefs which she jealously pale drowned keeping out all thought of remedy not withstanding your bitter letter he wrote for bitter I must call it you are the chief person in my estimation and it is your happiness that I would principally consult do that which seems best to you and if you can receive gratification from one mode of life in preference to another do not let me be any obstacle I foresee that the plan which you mark out in your letter will not end your long but you are mistress of yourself and it is my sincere wish to contribute as far as you will permit me to your happiness as prophesied well said perditor alas that it should be so our present mode of life cannot continue long yet I will not be the first to propose alteration he beholds in me one whom he has injured even unto death and I derive no hope from his kindness no change can possibly be brought about even by his best intentions as well might Cleopatra have worn as an ornament the vinegar which contained her dissolved pearl as I be content with the love that Raymond can now offer me I own that I did not see her misfortune with the same eyes as perditor at all events me thought that the wound could be healed and if they remain together it would be so I endeavored therefore to soothe and soften her mind and it was not until after many endeavors that I gave up the task as impracticable perditor listened to me impatiently and answered with some asperity do you think that any of your arguments are new to me or that my own burning wishes and intense anguish have not suggested them all a thousand times with far more eagerness and subtlety than you can put into them Lionel you cannot understand what woman's love is in days of happiness I have often repeated to myself with a grateful heart an exulting spirit that Raymond sacrificed for me I was a poor, uneducated unbefriended mounting girl raised from nothingness by him all that I possessed of the luxuries of life came from him he gave me an illustrious name and noble station the world's respect reflected from his own glory all this joined to his own undying love inspired me with sensations towards him akin to those with which we regard the power of life I gave him love only I devoted myself to him imperfect creature that I was I took myself to task that I might become worthy of him I watched over my hasty temper subdued my burning impatience of character schooled myself and grossing thoughts educated myself to the best perfection I might attain that the fruit of my exertions might be his happiness and merit to myself for this he deserved it all all labour, all devotion all sacrifice I would have toiled a scaleless alp to pluck a flower that would please him I was ready to quit you all my beloved and gifted companions and to live only with him for him I could not do otherwise even if I had wished for if we are said to have two souls to which the other was a perpetual slave one only returned it he owe me even fidelity I earned that, I deserved it because I was mounted in bread unallied to the noble and wealthy shall he think to repay me by an empty name and station let him take them back without his love they are nothing to me their only merit in my eyes was that they were his thus passionately Perditor ran on when I adverted to the question of their entire separation she replied, be it so one day the period will arrive I know it and feel it but in this I am a coward this imperfect companionship and our masquerade of union are strangely dear to me it is painful I allow destructive impracticable it keeps off a perpetual fever in my veins I am a medicable wound it is instinct with poison yet I must cling to it perhaps it will kill me soon and thus perform a thankful office in the meantime Raymond had remained with Adrian and Idris he was naturally frank the continued absence of Perditor and myself became remarkable and Raymond soon found relief from the constraint of months by an unreserved confidence with his two friends he related to them the situation in which he had found Evadny at first from delicacy to Adrian he concealed her name but it was divulged in the course of his narrative and her former lover heard with the most acute agitation the history of her sufferings Idris had shared Perditor's ill opinion of the Greek but Raymond's account softened and interested her Evadny's constancy fortitude and her ill-fated and ill-regulated love were matter of admiration and pity especially when from the detail of the events of the 19th of October it was apparent that she preferred suffering and death to any in her eyes degrading application for the pity and assistance of her lover her subsequent conduct did not diminish this interest at first relieved from famine and the grave watched over by Raymond her tenderest assiduity with that feeling of repose peculiar to convalescence Evadny gave herself up to rapturous gratitude and love but reflection returned with health she questioned him with regard to the motives which had occasioned his critical absence she framed her inquiries with Greek subtlety she formed her conclusions with the decision and firmness peculiar to her disposition that the breach which she had occasioned between Raymond and Perditor was already irreparable but she knew that under the present system it will be widened each day and that its result must be to destroy her lover's happiness and to implant the fangs of remorse in his heart from the moment that she perceived the right line of conduct she resolved to adopt it and to part from Raymond forever conflicting passions long cherished love and self-inflicted disappointment made her regard death alone as sufficient refuge for her woe but the same feelings and opinions which had before restrained her acted with redoubled force for she knew that the reflection that he had occasioned her death would pursue Raymond through life poisoning every enjoyment clouding every prospect besides though the violence of her anguish made life hateful it had not yet produced that monotonous lethargic sense of changeless misery which for the most part produces suicide her energy of character induced her still to combat with the ills of life even those attendant on hopeless love presented themselves rather in the shape of an adversary to be overcome than of a victor to whom she must submit besides her memories of past tenderness to cherish smiles words and even tears to con over which though remembered in desertion and sorrow were to be preferred to the forgetfulness of the grave it was impossible to guess at the whole of her plan her letter to Raymond gave no clue for discovery it assured him that she was in no danger of wanting the means of life she promised in it to preserve herself and some future day perhaps to present herself to him in a station not unworthy of her she then bathed him with the eloquence of despair and of unalterable love a last farewell all these circumstances were now related to Adrienne and Idris Raymond then lamented the cureless evil of his situation with Perdita he declared notwithstanding her harshness he even called it coldness that he loved her he had been ready once with the humility of a penitent and the duty of a vassal to surrender himself to her giving up his very soul to her tutelage to become her pupil her slave, her bondsman she had rejected these advances and the time for such exuberant submission which must be founded on love and nourished by it was now past still all his wishes and endeavours were directed towards her peace and his chief discomfort arose from the perception that he exerted himself in vain if she were to continue inflexible in the line of conduct she now pursued they must part the combinations and occurrences of this senseless mode of intercourse were maddening to him yet he would not propose the separation he was haunted by the fear of causing the death of one or other of the beings implicated in these events and he could not persuade himself to undertake to direct the course of events lest, ignorant of the land he traversed he should lead those attached to the car into irremediable ruin after a discussion on this subject which lasted for several hours he took leave of his friends and returned to town unwilling to meet Perditor before us conscious as we all must be of the thoughts uppermost in the minds of both Perditor prepared to follow him with her child Idris endeavoured to persuade her to remain my poor sister looked at the counselor with a fright she knew that Raymond had conversed with her had he instigated this request was this to be the prelude to their eternal separation I have said that the defects of her character awoke an acquired figure from her unnatural position she regarded with suspicion the invitation of Idris she embraced me as if she were about to be deprived of my affection also calling me more than her brother her only friend, her last hope she pathetically conjured me not to cease to love her and with increased anxiety she departed for London the scene and cause of all her misery the scenes that followed convinced her that she had not yet fathomed the obscure gulf into which she had plunged her unhappiness assumed every day a new shape every day some unexpected event seemed to close while in fact it led onward the train of calamities which now befell her the selected passion of the soul of Raymond was ambition readiness of talent a capacity of entering into and leading the dispositions of men earnest desire of distinction were the awakeners and nurses of his ambition but other ingredients mingled with these and prevented him from becoming the calculating determined character which alone forms a successful hero he was obstinate but not firm benevolent in his first movements harsh and reckless when provoked above all he was remorseless and unyielding in the pursuit of any object of desire however lawless love of pleasure and the softer sensibilities of our nature made a prominent part of his character conquering the conqueror holding him in at the moment of acquisition sweeping away ambition's web making him forget the toil of weeks for the sake of one moment's indulgence of the new and actual object of his wishes obeying these impulses he had become the husband of Perditor egged on by them he found himself the lover of Evadny he had now lost both he had neither the ennobling self-gratulation which constancy inspires to console him nor the voluptuous sense of abandonment to a forbidden but intoxicating passion his heart was exhausted by the recent events his enjoyment of life was destroyed by the resentment of Perditor and the flight of Evadny and the inflexibility of the former set the last seal upon the annihilation of his hopes as long as their disunion remained a secret he cherished an expectation of reawakening past tenderness in her bosom now that we were all made acquainted with these occurrences and that Perditor by declaring her resolves to others in a manner pledged herself to their accomplishment he gave up the idea of reunion as futile and sought only since he was unable to influence her to change to reconcile himself to the present state of things he made a vow against love and its train of struggles disappointment and remorse and sought in mere sensual enjoyment a remedy for the injurious inroads of passion debasement of character is the certain follower of such pursuits yet this consequence would not have been immediately remarkable if Raymond had continued to apply himself to the execution of his plans for the public benefit and the fulfilling his duties as protector but extreme in all things given up to immediate impressions he entered with ardour into this new pursuit of pleasure and followed up the incongruous intimacy's occasion by it without reflection or foresight the council chamber was deserted the crowds which attended on him as agents to his various projects were neglected and even libertinism became the order of the day Perditor beheld with a fright the increasing disorder for a moment she thought that she could stem the torrent and that Raymond could be induced to hear reason from her vain hope the moment of her influence was passed he listened with haughtiness replied disdainfully and if in truth she succeeded in awakening his conscience the sole effect was that he sought an opiate for the pang in oblivious riots with the energy natural to her Perditor then endeavoured to supply his place there still apparent union permitted her to do much but no woman could in the end present a remedy to the increasing negligence of the protector who as if seized with a paroxysm of insanity trampled on all ceremony all order all duty and gave himself up to license reports of these strange proceedings reached us and we were undecided what method to adopt to restore our friend to himself and his country when Perditor suddenly appeared among us she detailed the progress of the mournful change and entreated Adrian and myself to go up to London and endeavour to remedy the increasing evil tell him she cried tell Lord Raymond that my presence shall no longer annoy him that he need not plunge into this destructive dissipation for the sake of disgusting me and causing me to fly this purpose is now accomplished he will never see me more but let me it is my last entreaty let me in the praises of his countrymen and the prosperity of England find the choice of my youth justified during a ride up to town Adrian and I discussed and argued upon Raymond's conduct and his falling off from the hopes of permanent excellence on his part which he had before given us cause to entertain my friend and I had both been educated in one school or rather I was his pupil in the opinion that steady adherence to principle was the only road to honour a ceaseless observance of the laws of general utility the only conscientious aim of human ambition but though we both entertain these ideas we differed in their application resentment added also a sting to my censure reprobated Raymond's conduct in severe terms Adrian was more benign, more considerate he admitted that the principles that I laid down were the best but he denied that they were the only ones quoting the text there are many mansions in my father's house he insisted that the modes of becoming good or great varied as much as the dispositions of men of whom it might be said as of the leaves of the forest there were no two alike we arrived in London at about eleven at night we conjectured, notwithstanding what we had heard that we should find Raymond in St Stephen's thither we spared the chamber was full but there was no protector and there was an austere discontent manifest on the countenances of the leaders and a whispering and busy tattle among the underlings not less ominous we hastened to the palace of the protectorate we found Raymond in his dining room with six others the bottle was being pushed around merrily and had made considerable inroads on the understanding of one or two he who sat near Raymond was telling a story which convulsed the rest with laughter Raymond sat among them though while he entered into the spirit of the hour his natural dignity never foresuck him he was gay, playful, fascinating but never did he overstep the modesty of nature or the respect due to himself in his wildest sallies yet I own that considering the task which Raymond had taken on himself as protector of England and the cares to which it became him to attend I was exceedingly provoked to observe the worthless fellows on whom his time was wasted and the jovial if not drunken spirit which seemed on the point of robbing him of his better self I stood watching the scene while Adrian flitted like a shadow in among them and by a word and look of sobriety endeavoured to restore order in the assembly Raymond expressed himself delighted to see him declaring that he should make one in the festivity of the night this action of Adrian provoked me I was indignant that he should sit at the same table with the companions of Raymond men of abandoned characters or rather without any the refuse of hybrid luxury the disgrace of their country let me entreat Adrian I cried not to comply rather join with me in endeavouring to withdraw Lord Raymond from this scene and restore him to other society my good fellow said Raymond this is neither the time nor place for the delivery of a moral lecture take my word for it that my amusements and society are not so bad as you imagine we are neither hypocrites or fools for the rest dost thou think because thou art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale I turned angrily away verny said Adrian you are very cynical sit down or if you will not perhaps as you are not a frequent visitor Lord Raymond will humour you and accompany us as we had previously agreed upon to parliament Raymond looked keenly at him he could read benignity only in his gentle linear months he tend to me observing with scorn my moody and stern demeanour come said Adrian I have promised for you enable me to keep my engagement come with us Raymond made an uneasy movement and laconically replied I won't the party in the meantime had broken up they looked at the pictures strolled into the other apartments talked of billiards gone vanished Raymond strode angrily up and down the room I stood ready to receive and reply to his reproaches Adrian leaned against the wall this is infinitely ridiculous he cried if you were schoolboys you could not conduct yourselves more unreasonably you do not understand said Raymond this is only part of a system a scheme of tyranny to which I will never submit because I am protector of England am I to be the only slave in its empire my privacy invaded my actions censured my friends insulted but I will get rid of the whole together be you witnesses and he took the star insignia of office from his breast and threw it on the table I renounce my office I abdicate my power assume it who will let him assume it exclaimed Adrian who can pronounce himself to be your superior there does not exist the man in England with adequate presumption know yourself Raymond and your indignation will cease your complacency return a few months ago whenever we prayed for the prosperity of our country of our own we at the same time prayed for the life and welfare of the protector as indissolubly linked to it your hours were devoted to our benefits to obtain our commendation you decorated our towns with edifices you bestowed on us useful establishments you gifted the soil with abundant fertility the powerful and unjust cowered at the steps of your judgment seat and the poor and oppressed arose like mourn awakened flowers under the sunshine of your protection can you wonder that we are all aghast and mourn when this appears changed but come this splenetic fit is already past resume your functions your partisans will hail you your enemies will be silenced our love, honour and duty will again be manifested towards you master yourself Raymond and the world is subject to you all this would be very good sense if addressed to another replied Raymond moodily con the lesson yourself and you, the first peer of the land may become its sovereign you, the good, the wise, the just may rule all hearts but I perceive too soon for my own happiness too late for England's good that I undertook a task to which I am unequal I cannot rule myself my passions are my masters my smallest impulse my tyrant do you think that I renounce the protectorate and I have renounced it in a fit of spleen by the God that lives and never to take up that bobble again never again to berthen myself with the weight of care and misery of which that is the visible sign once I desired to be a king it was in the heyday of youth in the pride of boyish folly I knew myself when I renounced it I renounced it to gain no matter what for that also I have lost for many months I have submitted to this mock majesty this solemn jest I am its duke no longer I will be free I have lost that which adorned and dignified my life that which linked me to other men again I am a solitary man and I will become again as in my early years a wanderer, a soldier of fortune my friends, for verny I feel that you are my friend do not endeavour to shake my resolve predator wedded to an imagination tell us of what is behind the veil whose character is in truth faulty and vile predator has renounced me with her it was pretty enough to play a sovereign's part and, as in the recesses of your beloved forest we acted masks and imagined ourselves arcadian shepherds to please the fancy of the moment so I was content more for predator's sake than my own to take on me the character of the earth to lead her behind the scenes of grandeur to vary her life with a short act of magnificence and power this was to be the colour love and confidence the substance of our existence but we must live and not act our lives pursuing the shadow I lost the reality and now I renounce both adrian, I am about to return to Greece to become again a soldier perhaps a conqueror will you accompany me you will behold new scenes see a new people witness the mighty struggle there going forward between civilisation and barbarism behold and perhaps direct the efforts of a young and vigorous population for liberty and order come with me I have expected you I waited for this moment all is prepared will you accompany me tomorrow if you will reflect I cried wherefore asked Raymond my dear fellow I have done nothing else than reflect on this step the live long summer and be assured that adrian has condensed an age of reflection into this little moment do not talk of reflection from this moment I abdure it this is my only happy moment during a long interval of time I must go Lionel the gods will it and I must do not endeavour to deprive me of my companion the outcast's friend one word more concerning unkind unjust predator for a time I thought that by watching a complying moment fostering the still warm ashes I might relium in her the flame of love it is more cold within her than a fire left by gypsies in wintertime the spent embers crowned by a pyramid of snow then, in endeavouring to do violence to my own disposition I made all worse than before still I think that time and even absence may restore her to me remember that I love her still that my dearest hope is that she will again be mine I know, though she does not how false the veil is which she has spread over the reality do not endeavour to rend this deceptive covering but by degrees withdraw it present her with a mirror in which she may know herself and, when she is an adept in that necessary but difficult science she will wonder at her present mistake and hasten to restore to me what is by right mine her forgiveness her kind thoughts her love End of Volume 1 Chapter 9 Recording by Philippa Willits