 J-C-L-L-O! The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with just like taking candy from a baby. Summer may come, ladies and gentlemen, and summer may go, taking with it so many of the ripe summer fruits we all enjoy. And it's a mighty comforting thought to know that you can recapture all the grand goodness of this luscious fruit anytime you want, simply by making a glistening mold of delicious jello. One taste of this swell dessert and suddenly you're right back in the middle of June, thrilling again to the fresh tantalizing flavor of fruits and berries still warm with the summer sun. For jello brings you a delightful memory of the juicy ripe fruit itself, an enticing flavor that has made jello America's favorite gelatin dessert. So try a rich jello treat real soon, using perhaps strawberry or raspberry jello. Each of these tasty jello desserts has a new, improved flavor obtained by using a natural flavor base artificially enhanced. And that's the secret of their distinctive flavor. Get strawberry and raspberry jello tomorrow and at the same time ask for those new jello puddings too. Jello puddings are made by the makers of jello so you know they're good. Taking candy from a baby played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we bring you our modest, unassuming master of ceremonies a man who is never too busy to say hello. Hello. Jack Benny. Jello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don, that was a very sweet introduction. Never too busy to say hello. But I really don't deserve it. Oh yes, you do Jack. Do I? Why, certainly. Whether it's the humble news boy on the corner or a taxi driver or a merchant with a shoe shine box, Jack Benny always stops and a smile steals across his face as he says, Hiya pal. How are things going? Oh pardon me Don, I was carried away. But let me ask you something Don, why shouldn't I go out of my way to be courteous and friendly? We're all human beings. We're all people. Say after all, what am I? You know what I said at rehearsal. Well, I'm not talking to you. Anyway Don, I'm just the down to earth type that gets along with everybody. You know the little old lady that sells flowers right outside the studio? You mean the one on the corner here? Yeah. See, I've stopped and talked to her now every Sunday for three years. Hello little lady I say. And she says I told you a thousand times I'm not going out with you. Phil, if you can't be sentimental, stay out of this. You know Don, whenever I pass this little flower lady, a tear comes to my eyes. And I can't help but think that she's somebody's mother. Yes, and perhaps that somebody could well afford to take care of her. You're probably right Don. See, I wonder whose mother she is anyway. She's mine. Now cut that out! You're lying, Phil, because I happen to know that your mother is cigarette girl at the Wilshire ball. Cigars, cigarettes, and homemade jelly. So pipe down. Well, you wouldn't get away with this mushy stuff if Mary was here. Oh, yes I would. By the way, Jack, how is Mary? Is she feeling better? Well, she had a pretty bad cold, Don, but she's much improved. She'll be with us next Sunday. Oh, that's good. Yeah, glad the kid's feeling better. Thanks. Of course, it'll be kind of tough doing comedy tonight without her. Don't worry, Jackson. I'm here. Ain't I? I can get them belly laps. Well, just be grateful, Phil, that you get good lines. It ain't the material, Jackson. It's my personality. It's how I stock it over. Oh, brother. Phil, Phil, you really think you're the funniest guy in the whole world, don't you? What a spot. If I say yes, I'm a ham. If I say no, I'm a liar. You're both if I ever saw one. Say, Dennis. Yes, please. How would you like a great big part tonight with funny gags at everything? Oh, boy, that'll be swell. All right, you can read Mary's lines. Tonight you're going to be the girl on the program. Nothing to do and I'm no sissy. Dennis, the program is written and you've got to take Mary's place. You're the only one in the show with a high voice. Oh, me? Dennis, now remember, you're Mary, so go outside and come back when you're supposed to. Okay, but I'll be chewing tobacco. You better not. That kid's getting too smart. Well, look, Jackson, why don't you let me play Mary's part? I've got beautiful hair and rosy cheeks. Oh, fine. He's got a few broken veins there and he calls it rosy cheeks. We'll manage without you, fellas. Well, let's get on with the show. Say, Don, Mary seems to be a little bit late today. I wonder where she is. Mary? I saw her out in the hall just a few minutes ago. You know, Don, she's so excited. She's been shopping all week and she's... Oh, here she comes now. Hello, Mary. I said, hello, Mary. Hello. Do you look cute in that fall outfit? That's a new dress, isn't it? Yeah, I got it, Magnus. Isn't it a dream? Oh, it's beautiful. But it's cut a little low there in front, isn't it? On me it don't make any difference. Dennis, Dennis, read the lines that are in the script. Well, you're not going to make a monkey out of me. I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you, Dennis. It's just an emergency. You don't want to read Mary's lines? All right. Well, I don't. All right. Just put this in a spot, that's all. It's a fine program without a girl on it. See, there must be some way to work this out. I wonder who we can get. I'll help you, kid. Well... I am the blue... Well, that's a very sweet offer, Blue Fairy, but I'm afraid you won't do. You're too fat for Ms. Livingston. Oh, well, if Don Wilson ever gets sick, let me know. We will. We will. And now I will fly away back to my home in the clouds. Goodbye. Goodbye. Give me a push, will you? Okay. Gee, look at her go. Out the window, over Vine Street, over Beverly Boulevard, over the La Brea Pit. Play, Phil, and get us out of this fantastic mood. Because that's for me, played by Phil Harris and his Waldorf Astoria ensemble. A Waldorf Astoria meaning they couldn't get in there if they were delivering the meat. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Hey, wait a minute, Jackson. After that violent solo you played with us a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't say anything derogatory about my band. Derogatory? Well, I'll be... What's the matter? Ain't it right? Sure, it's right. But, Phil, where'd you ever learn the word derogatory? Oh, I forgot to tell you. You know, I don't start working at the phone till 9 o'clock, so I've been going to night school. Oh, well, did you hear that, Don? Phil goes to night school. Well, congratulations, Phil. How are you getting along? Very good. Very good. So you guys don't have to get derogatory. All right, we heard that already. What else did you learn? Oh, plenty of stuff. Come on, ask me something. Ask me anything. Oh, quiet. Come on, ask me who invented the cotton gin. All right, Phil, who invented the cotton gin? Eli Whitney. Well! And with the steamboat, it was faulting. Why, Phil, you're terrific. Hey, Don, here's another one. What does 1492 mean to you? I don't know, Phil. What does it mean to you? Columbus! Gee whiz. You know, all the world is round. All that kind of stuff. Well, I've heard everything. Congratulations, Phil. And now, ladies and gentlemen... The Mississippi is the longest river in the USA. Phil, will you stop showing off? I knew about the Mississippi when I was in the fifth grade. Well, I'm only in the third, so I got you, B. All right, you got me, B. Hey, Don, ask me something. Don, ask me something about the Revolutionary War, like, well, when was it, or something? Phil, please. All right, Phil, when was the Revolutionary War? 1776. Well, I'll be darned. Not bad, eh? That's very good, Phil. Now, who won the Revolutionary War? That's coming up Wednesday. See, I'll bet you can hardly wait. Now, look, Phil, we're all very happy to know that you're trying to improve what mentality you have. But there are more important things to talk about, aren't there, Don? Yes, there are, Jack. Ladies and gentlemen, night school is one of the greatest institutions that flourish in this country today. Why? It gives thousands of people the opportunity to improve themselves in the field of education. What's that for? So, if you're one of the many who attend night school, instead of bringing an apple to the teacher, why not bring her a package of tempting and appetizing jello? Well, it's about time. It is not only economical and easy to make, but comes in six delicious flavors. So look for the big red letters on the box. They spell jello. And I'm just the guy that can spell it. J-E-L-L-O. Phil, you're positively brilliant. If you weren't such a bum, you could become president. B-U-M-Bum. Phil! And now, ladies and gentlemen, going from night school to our feature attraction of the evening, this being the height of the football season, tonight we are going to offer our annual gridiron classic entitled, Hold That Line, or One Moment, Please. Now, once again, I will play the part of Coach Flashbenny of Flatfoot College. Now, Phil, you, Don and Dennis will be the players, and your orchestra boys can be the cheering section. Well, why don't you use some of my boys on the team? They're all athletes. Phil, shooting pool and pulling corks are not considered American sports. They'll stay in the cheering section. Well, you hear their cheers. Phil, if I hear one bird that isn't a swallow returning to Capistrano, watch out. Now, let's see. We're still short of actors, so I sent for Rochester. Where is he? There he is, Jack, talking to Dennis Day. Oh, that's right. Hey, Rochester. Yes, please. Now, Rochester, we're short of actors tonight, so I want you to play a part in our football game. Okay, give me the ball. Now, wait a minute. You're not going to play on the team. You're going to be the water boy. That's a little bit derogatory, ain't it? Don't argue. Here's your bucket. You've got a very important part. Important? Yes. Boy, it's the only man that ever got famous with a bucket was old man Moe. Never mind. And he had to kick it. Now, Rochester, look at it this way. Who's one of the most valuable members of a football squad? Now, water boy. Uh-huh. Whenever a player is injured, who rushes out with a cold drink for them? The water boy. Uh-huh. And whenever a sensational play is made and the crowd stands up and cheers, who are they cheering? Okay, give me the bucket. And now that we're all set, ladies and gentlemen, this play will go on immediately after a song by Dennis Day. What's it going to be, Dennis? Well, Mr. Benny, this being Navy Day, I'm going to sing a special arrangement of a brand new number called, Keep My Uncle. Well, go ahead. Hey, Jackson, I just thought of something. We still haven't got enough actors for a football team. Gee, that's right. Well, we'll just have to get along, Phil. What else can we do? Bubble kid. Now look, Blue Fairy, I'm afraid you can't help us. All right, then I'll fly away. Goodbye. Goodbye. Ah, there she goes. Out the window. Back to the fleecy clouds. Back to the sky of Gotham or Blue. Back to the Plaza Hotel. Sing, Dennis. Who's that grand old guy? Who is that hat so high? You all know him so hello him when you catch his eye. Who's my uncle? I'm his nephew. I'm as proud as I can be. And my sisters and my brothers and my cousins by the dozen share that pride with me. For my uncle, Envy's no one and there's no one he provokes and my sisters and my brothers and my cousins by the dozen we're his kind of foes. That's right old chap never picks a scrap but he's won all he's had and for far more I feel sorry for any big bully that gets him at he's my uncle. I'm his nephew. I'm as proud as I can be and my sisters and my brothers and my cousins by the dozen we're proud of Uncle Sam. He never tries scaring little guys or drags of whom he'll trim. He's peaceful yet people can't forget no one was ever too tough for him. He's my uncle. I'm his nephew. And it's mighty far ahead and my sisters and my brothers and my cousins by the dozen we're proud of Uncle Sam. That was he's my uncle written by Lou Pollock and sung by Dennis A. And Dennis, that was a swell number. I like the thought of it. Me too. There's nothing like a patriotic song. Yes sir. Hey Jackson, you know who made the first American flag? Betsy, Ross. I know Phil. With a steamboat, it was Fulton. All right, you told us that. Sit down, genius. Okay. Betsy Ross made the first American flag. It certainly is a secret. And now ladies and gentlemen for our rough and tumble football play entitled Kick in the Bridgework or I'll Never Smile Again. The scene is flatfoot college located in the thriving little town of Purile, Indiana which is just three miles north of Beino. The first half has just ended in the annual game with Meatball Ted. As the curtain rises, Coach Flashbenny is giving his team a pep talk in the locker room. Curtain. Music. Now listen men, we're in a tough spot. The last half is about to start and we're behind 98 to 7. But we still got a chance to beat him. The game isn't over yet. Let's hear some of that flatfoot spirit. That's the stuff. I want you to go in there this last half and fight. You understand fight? What are we, men or mice? Give me a tail and call me Mickey. I'll give you a Mickey. Now listen men, in the first half Meatball had things their own way. But in this next half, flatfoot's going to walk all over Meatball. Sounds messy, doesn't it? And you, Harris, you're supposed to be a football player and all Americans. Why, during the first quarter, you played like a dope. D-O-P, dope. You spelled out dope. And you, Wilson, you're as bad as the rest of these lugs. Why, what are you talking about? Coach had recovered five times on fumbles. Yeah, but every time you fell on the ball, we had to get a new one. Now take it easy. Okay. Pass the fudge, Phil. Lay off the candy, Wilson. Your stomach is over the goal line when you still have five yards to go. Now put down that fudge. A little fudge won't hurt. Oh, so you're butting in, you imbecile. Away you play football. Now coach. You run around like a chicken with your head cut off. Now coach. Every time you got the ball, you ran the wrong way. Well, turn my head around and let's get going. Get out of here. Now listen, man, in this next half, I want you all to... Hey, water boy, what are you putting in that bucket? A little lemon juice, that's all. Lemon juice, eh? Lemon juice in the water. Yeah, that goes with the sugar. Oh, lemon juice and sugar. I suppose that's lemonade. Lemonade, that's it. I see. You didn't put anything else in the bucket, did you? No, sir. Well, let me have a glass of that lemonade. Don't take more than one. I thought so. Lemon juice, sugar, cracked eye, Rochester, are you mixing Tom Collins' in that bucket? You need pancake better? Well, throw it away. Pour it out the window. Okay, that grass is sure gonna grow out there. Never mind about the grass. Now, men, it's almost time for the second half and we're gonna win. Didn't count on us, coach. I'm not counting on any one of you. I got a new player coming into the game and he'll show you what football really is. I've heard a lot about this boy and he tell me he's a sensation. A new player, huh? Yeah. Come on in, Butch. Oh, stranger. The sensation, eh? That's me, Butch Slipperman, the beast of boil hype. Good. Now, we're depending on you, Slep. Do you think you can win for us? What is the score now? 98 to 7. Who's got the 7? We have. What do you say, Slep? You're lucky I think you can keep that. Now, wait a minute. We're depending on you to come through so don't be so pessimistic. Be cheerful. Be happy. 98 to 7 and he wants smiling Frankie Gordon. Never mind. Just get in there and fight. That's all. What position do you play? I'm a tailor. All right. You can be left-tailored. Now, come on, men. I'm going to play in the game myself this last half and Flatfoot is going to win or my name ain't. Folks, the second half of this thrilling gridiron duel is about to begin. The score is Flatfoot 7 Meatball 132. 132. Why'd a rat they've been playing during intermission? Come on, man. We'll show them. Meatball is already on the field and here comes Slash Benny and his Flatfoot team. Hi, everybody. And he gets from the Flatfoot cheering section. He's never too busy to say hello. Say hello to say hello. He's never too busy to say hello. Go, go, go, rock. The crowd is gathered here today. There's the whistle. They're lining up and Meatball is about to kick off the Flatfoot. There's the kick. It's a beauty. The ball is coming down on the 15-yard line. Sleperman. Sleperman, are you hurt? Slep. Slep. Say something. With the steamboat, it was floating. He's delirious. Oh, Sleperman was knocked out on the first play and they're carrying him off the field, but that boy... Damnation why he was knocked out in the first play. He's alive, ain't he? Never mind. We've only got 90 yards to go. I'll carry the ball around left end. Why don't you run around my end, Slash? I did that in the last game and wound up in Laguna. Now come on. Signal. 72. 23. Hey! Boom! Well, men, I'm afraid it's hopeless. 98 yards to go and we can't gain an end. What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Well, here she is again. Carry the ball, kid. You listen, Blue Fairy. Football is a man's game and those guys will kick you all over the field. Well, at my age, I can't be choosing. All right, then. You take Dennis Day's place. Come on, fellas. Line up. Blackfoot is lining up, folks, but there's been a substitution. Dennis Day has been replaced by the Goodyear Blimp. All right, Blue Fairy. I'll take the ball and lateral it. The rest is up to you. Don't worry. I'll beat him, Daddy. Eight to the bar. Good. Signal. 33. 45. Hey! October, ladies and gentlemen, is the month of apples. Wine, saps, Pittsburgh, Baldwin, Macintosh, and all the rest of those ready-cheek favorites. And just to celebrate the occasion, here we come with a grand jello and apple dessert. It's really something special, a swell autumn day treat, and you can have it already and on the table in no time at all. Simply make up a package of lemon jello according to the directions on the box. Chill until slightly thickened and fold in one medium red apple cubed. Then mold and serve as a bright tangy dessert or salad. The tempting flavor of the delicious combination is something you just have to taste yourself to appreciate. So tomorrow for dinner, enjoy this mellow October dessert, crisp juicy apples embedded in a glistening mold of rich golden lemon jello. Well, I'm glad you're feeling better, Mary. Say, did you hear the program? Uh-huh. Well, how'd you like our football sketch? Yes. Mm-hmm. I see. Oh, well, you've got a cold. Good night, Dahl. So long, folks. J.T. Tau-Tau! For thrifty housewives, log cabin syrup for less money. All three sizes now selling at lowest prices in history. Ask your grocer about his new low prices. Remember, same matchless log cabin flavor, so delicious with piping hot pancakes or waffles. Only the price has changed. Tomorrow, buy log cabin syrup at the new low price, the lowest ever. This is the National Broadcasting Company.