 You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live. My dad tried to kill my mum with a knife and it resulted in five of his kids being put into the care system and I was put into the care system when I was eight months. I overheard two of my carers say when I was six that mixed race and black children are less likely to be adopted and more likely to spend the rest of the childhood in care and the next day when I was in the bath I tried to describe myself white you know because I wanted to give myself a better chance so I could be loved. I don't really want to get into the details of it all but he raped me basically and you know yeah it wasn't great so you know that was a difficult time. When I was in the prison I was the only one openly gay only one only one everybody else hides and in the beginning they gave me a rough time all the everybody the audience and everybody if it wasn't for me training in the gym I would either be dead in a mental hospital or I would have fucking killed everyone. At that time I was twelve and by that time I've had twelve years of abuse of one kind or another and it was just abuse after abuse after abuse if it wasn't being raped or being punched or kicked it was bad names. Boomer on and today's guest we've got Peter Woods. Peter how are you? Hello there I'm okay thank you very much. Good to see you. I'm glad to be here. You've done a video on TikTok a lot of people tagged us in talking about the struggles of life talking about your struggles of being a kid raped at twelve being through the system and in out prisons and now you're here today to tell your story. Yeah it's a great opportunity. I'm very very grateful. Good to have you on but before we get into everything Peter I always go back to the start of my guests. Where did you grow up? How it all began? Well as far as I know because it all happened very young and extremely young. I believe by the reports I've been reading the last year because I've started writing a book about what happened and my dad tried to kill my mum with a knife and it resulted in five of his kids being put into the care system and I was put into the care system when I was eight months and because I was the youngest I was too young to go into a children's home so they put me into a nursery until I was two. I'm not sure where the nursery was but all I know is once I was two I joined my brothers up in North London a children's home called 82 Muswell Hill and it was a detached house and it was a children's home and it was about ten kids and a fourth staff there. So I grew up there basically in North London in Muswell Hill. How was it not skilling enough and then just out care homes from a very young age? Well yes from eight months and I went and I left when I was 18 but during them years I mean you know it was in the 1960s so there was no care really. I mean it's called a children's home and a care home there was no care. There was no love, there was no kind words. The only thing we got for care was food and clothes and for someone like me it's very hard because I'm very emotional and very sensitive I'm actually born a highly sensitive person which is maybe only 15% of the population which means we feel things on a different dimension than most people. I mean it's very profound and very strong and when we feel it's we feel deeply. You know so for someone like me not to have any love as a child it's hard, it's hard. No foster parents? Well what actually happened in the 60s not many adopted black kids and I overheard two of my carers say when I was six that mixed race and black children are less likely to be adopted and more likely to spend the rest of the childhood in care and the next day when I was in the bath I tried to describe myself white because I wanted to give myself a better chance so I could be loved you know because I would do anything to be loved and because I was black you know that seemed to be a problem so you know I'm only six I'm trying to think oh if I can be white I can find parents you know so I scrapped and scrapped and scrapped and I didn't get any white I started to bleed and you know I spent to the rest of the my child in care. How many other kids were in these care homes? Well the first the best home was the first home in Muswell Hill because it was small and it was the closest I felt to a family you know the staff were friendly you know not over caring but friendly and the kids were like brothers you know so it was small and intimate but once well what happened how I left that children's home was a new member of staff come and it changed the atmosphere of the home before it was nice and friendly and when she came and her husband it turned aggressive and there were rules and regulations and bedtimes and you know I didn't feel like a home anymore and the husband was quite abusive he used to conquer on the head he liked to watch the news and when the news was on he said everybody be quiet or aggressive so he bring aggression into our home and it was never like that and we were all scared of him because he was quite abrupt and quite big as well so whenever the news was on he said I can't because I like to talk and joke so a few times when I started joking he said come here and I walked up to him and he just conquers on the head so it just changed the whole atmosphere and it didn't feel like a home how did the other kids treat you no the other kids were ok we all got on really and most of the staff got on but once the staff everything about being in a children's home is especially for someone like me it takes me a long time to trust anybody because most people have come and gone but so when you trust a member of staff they become like your mum and then a year they go and then you're deflated again and you feel very sad and very hurt then someone else comes and you feel happy and you trust them then they go so my whole life was one of I was left or I was upset because they left me so most of my life it's been people coming in and out and that's been hard was there much beatings? not in that home that home was the better home as I said it only changed when that man come Mr and Mrs Hines then when they come there wasn't any beatings but it just changed I had an argument with Mrs Hines we was at the table and I don't know what happened but she said something and I forgot how to fuck off and we had a fight and she was a big fat lady and she sat on me and put me on the floor I was 11 at the time and anyway I went to school when I come back I walked in the way I've always come through the back door upstairs in the house I got jumped by three men I was 11 I was scared I didn't know what was happening and they pulled me and dragged me I was screaming and shouting I didn't know what was happening I was upset they dragged me and pulled me I said what the fuck was going on and I was terrified because I'm being jumped by three grown men I don't know what's going on I'm 11 I've come home this is my home they dragged me in the car I couldn't say goodbye to my brothers I couldn't take my property I was terrified I was a kid napping by the state they grabbed me put me in the car and took me to another home up the road and there they placed me in a new home a new environment a scary environment I was the youngest one in there I was traumatized you know so there I was fighting now in this new home and terrified and from that moment my life was hell and from that moment it's been terrible I mean literally terrible well from that moment my sweetness the sweet person seemed to have died and then the reality of life you know you're around kids who are older more aggressive and you know you're just lost there's no there was no love anyway there was no concern you just a number in a bigger home because this was a bigger home half way up Muswell Hill Road it was called Grove Lodge at the time a big white house and it was a bigger home there's about 30 kids there and they were all older and I was the youngest one there you know so they picked on me as well and I was scared and I was nervous and I was traumatized and I was just I was like a dog in the corner away I slept that night in a cardboard box underneath a bridge scared all on my own and then I come out of the box and I saw a police car and then I flagged him down and told him you know what happened and he heard a person he's run away from the children's home and he's me and then they took me to a different place like an Ipru school they took me there to be well to find out where I could be placed next but that was even worse you know so from that moment when I left the safety of 82 Muswell Hill my life was from one institution to another, to another, to another I didn't settle and everything got worse and worse and worse you know we always wanted your mother or father to come and take you home well you know my mum and dad they used to come maybe once a year and I used to look forward to it and it was like I couldn't wait I really wanted to see them because I talked to them all the time and I missed them and the others they weren't too concerned the brothers of mine, they weren't too concerned but it was me, I was really missing mum and a few times dad said he would come on a certain day and we waited and he didn't come and for me it was devastating, for me it was really hurtful he doesn't care, he doesn't love me because he let me down about 10 times when he said he was going to come and for that to happen time and time again for a child who really wants to see his dad is not nice do you still struggle with that to this day? I forgive him that's very brave to think you do well what happened there with him after not seeing him for 40 years or so my brothers went one by one to see him and so George went first the older one and then maybe 3 years later Stephen went and then Martin went to time after him and it would be 10 years until I would go but then I said to George I'm going to write dad a letter give it to dad if he reads it and he agrees with what's in there I will come but if he doesn't I will not come and what I wrote dad looked at it and said yes I agree so when George told me he agreed I went to see dad in 2015 I hadn't seen him for 40 years and but this time he's an old man I think he had diabetes frail and that time I was bigger I was really big like that so I thought to myself I don't want him to be afraid of me I don't want to go there with aggression and be submissive so we knocked on the door on Christmas day and it was always my dream to spend Christmas with my dad it was my dream and I prayed and I wished and I hoped that one day Lord God please grant me Christmas day with my dad I don't think it's ever going to happen because I'm filled with her I'm very upset he's let me down he's really hurt me many many times and he's put me through 18 years of hell I mean literally hell no child should go for that sad or that low or that sad but you know what it's time to forgive because he's an old man now and I don't and I do not want to be standing at his grave and wish I would have made peace before he died I'm not going to put myself through that so I'm going to go humble myself so he opened the door I looked at him I smiled at him and he smiled at me I put my hand down he led me into the sitting room we sat down I hadn't seen him for 40 odd years we sat down I was looking at this my older brother was looking because he knows my temperament as well so George is looking he's fascinated to see how he's going to pan out he's either going to go good or go bad but for me I said no I'm going to be submissive I'm not going to get excited I'm not going to go there with melis even though I should or I could but I'm not going to do it he held my hand we sat down he looked at me I looked at him I said how are you I'm okay son and then he said something and I said no and when he hears something he looked at me a bit puzzled he said I love you he looked again and then he said what I wanted to hear I'm sorry and that one word let everything go everything go 18 years of hell despair, loneliness, sadness anger, confusion 18 years of rage then words, magical words from my dad I'm sorry and I looked to him and said thank you and we had Christmas so we're sitting around the table on Christmas day my dad at the head of the table with diabetes my older brother George beside me with prostate cancer my sister opposite me with a tube up her nose because she got lung disease and me sitting here with a brain tumor but it was fine we all just had a great day and that's a magical day so I made up you know was that one of the best moments in your life where you felt it was the first time you probably had a family? no I didn't feel like it was a family I mean that moment is not going to make up for a family but what it was it was peace it was a wish to come true and it was the full circle it's come full circle now I've made it up I can carry on and to be honest with you I think dad was waiting for me he saw the others but when he saw me he's eyes lit up because I was the one he told me stories about me when I was younger he didn't know and the way he said it was like I've missed you more than the other three that's what I got so I think when he saw me he would die like a release see you've suffered some horrific things in the care home one of the things was when you were 12 years old yes when I was 12 years old in another home in Potter's Bar beautiful home, stately home big massive lovely home no four place it's called and that was one of the better homes that was a lovely home and the grounds were big the staff were nice it was all good and fun and then it was my birthday I was 12 and one of the carers invited me to his room he said Peter I've got a present for you I went all excited because I love presents I don't get much kindness so someone's going to give me a present so I went into his room and then he shut the door I said where's the present he said sit down he said it a bit aggressively then he pushed me down and I'm only 12 so I was a little bit scared I was a lot scared but then he you know I don't really want to get into the details but he raped me basically it wasn't great so that was a difficult time but the worst thing is then I had to see him every day he only did it once but another member of staff and this is so weird so how I got to be in Norfolk place in the beginning was from Grove Lodge because I set fire I forgot to tell you I set fire to a room in Grove Lodge and I slept in the box so when they please come they didn't want me back to Grove Lodge so they sent me to this school to get assessed to go to Potter's Bar but when I was in so the moment I got to Potter's Bar the moment I got to Potter's Bar the abuse started because Chris, some guy called Chris White he was the owner of the children's home the moment the other social workers left he started abusing me he said Peter would you like to have a bath I said no I don't want to have a bath I said what do I need to have a bath for he said yes I want to have a bath with you and I didn't think I heard right have a bath with me I said that in my mind and anyway I did go and have a bath because I fucked myself if I didn't have a bath he might send me back to that horrible home I've just come from so I said okay I'm going to have a bath so I got in the bath myself and then he went and jumped in the bath with me and you know just started having you know he's fun and I was kind of well I was terrified and I froze and I didn't know what to do because I just got there and I thought this home was going to be nice I thought they were going to treat me nice and I thought they were going to be kind first of all Peter you're brave for telling your story which will help so many others like for coming here today and obviously opening up like it takes a lot of strength but how do you then move on from that Peter at such a young age like do you become more angry towards the world or do you become more freer and fragile like you just become so scared to it? At that time I was 12 and by that time I've had 12 years of abuse of one kind or another and it was just abuse after abuse after abuse if it wasn't being raped or being punched or kicked it was bad names so it cut to the stage where I just had to take everything because I knew it was going to come and I did tell my social workers as well what was going on but in the 60s nobody's going to believe somebody in care you know my word is shit it doesn't mean anything nobody cares and I did tell them I was being abused he used to make me sit on his lap and his dick was hard to hard and he put his hand down my pants in front of the other kids and I tried to get away and I tell my social workers and they tell me I'm talking rubbish and shit and nobody was there for us kids because we were all rubbish and we deserved to be there as far as everybody else thought but it wasn't true because I didn't deserve to be there I didn't try to kill my mum my fucking dad tried to kill my mum why do I deserve to be there so basically no the abuse just carried on and carried on and I just got used to it when did you eventually get out of the care home when I was 18 on my 18th birthday I was free and what happened then you think that was bad it was just hell after that because I left care I couldn't read or write I had no skills I didn't have to cook wash my clothes I didn't know and I was very timid very shy you know don't forget I mean what kind of self-esteem do you think I had I mean less than none there was no self-esteem there I mean nobody ever said kind words nobody praised me nobody lifted me nobody hugged me so my self-esteem I was told I was rubbish I was told I was shit I was told I'm dirt 12 years old you're gonna believe it so when I left care there was no support there was nothing they put me in a a council flat up in Muswell Hill and it was funny because when I walked into this flat in the kitchen there was the bath was in the kitchen I thought what kind of fucking shit is this you know so obviously gave me the shitest flat they could because I'm nobody you know oh he can go there because he's from the care system it's that kind of treatment you get you know so they put me in there and basically it's the first time I'm a male now so I'm very lonely because I'm a male there's nobody supporting me I can't support myself I can't cook I can't cook fuck all nobody's taught me to cook I can't read I can't get any job I must be mental because of what I've gone through so after a few weeks Muswell Hill Sainsbury's I walked in there with a shotgun and held the place up and it all went crazy and I got caught basically got caught and that's my first that's my 18 was the first time I've no not the first time I've been I've got arrested somebody else but that was the major thing the first major thing 18 rested the major shot gun it wasn't even so long it was fucking longer than me yeah you know what I mean you know so then I got arrested and went to I'm not sure where I went to one prison but I ended up going to the O'Bailey so a fucking 18 I mean the worst court known to man the O'Bailey I'm in there and they're telling me I'm going to get loads and loads of years I mean maybe I am maybe I'm not but my key card I had a very good character witness and he was an older gentleman who used to run one of the homes he looks like a scientist you know so he has respect so when he walked in the court the judge saw him he's like you know him you know and he got up and said yes you know I'm whoever I am and I've known Peter he's used to be in my home and he once he punched me in the face and I thought to myself what the fuck is he saying he's supposed to be my character witness but then he explained it all he said no Peter nobody's ever Peter's very emotional and nobody's ever told him how to handle his emotions and he did punch me in the face but it was more from this he's a this boy here has a no comfort no love no guidance nothing so how do you he's like a wild child you know and his emotions he's a very emotional boy and he punched me in the face not because he wanted to but because he couldn't help himself and he kind of gave it the judge like that and the judge looked and he was very impressed so instead of me getting like 10 years the judge said okay three years and everybody couldn't believe it because they thought I was going to get loads of years for that so he actually saved me from getting a lot more bird see that then Peter when you came out 18 you're kind of I think you've got freed them but then you're more lost I was lost because you're so used to the system like was going to prison then axler relief even though it makes sound crazy that you are getting more structural no no no I'm not that kind of and believe believe it or not alright the 18 years in there I was never institutionalised I don't believe institutionalised people become that people become that maybe because they want to I was never institutionalised I didn't like the system I wasn't happy to go back to the system it didn't do anything for me except it abused me and made me sad so no I wasn't glad to be in prison in fact I fucking hated it because you'll sell with some other fucking monkeys trying to think he's you know the first geez I was in with you know because see most people make a mistake with me especially when I was young because I speak like this and I'm gently spoken they make the biggest mistake and they all make it they think oh he must be a cunt he speaks so softly you know what they don't realise is I'm a very vicious bit of work when I have to be I don't like to show it because you know it is well it can be what it's terrible once you see it you see it so I know so I don't want anybody to see it but because I'm spoken on itself I was in a cell with him and you know he said some he was kind of running the cell I put something there he said hey mate put it over there so I didn't want to trouble with my soul mate I'm trying to get on with him so I put it over there and then I went to lay down he said hey listen don't lay on there I'm gonna get there and you're gonna get out there and I looked at him and then I said to myself I had to see myself calm yourself calm yourself you know I said listen mate I was in there first I'm going there and then you're going out there and then he got up and tried to give it and then I had to give him one punch in his face and then he realised what time it was I said there you go you know then in the morning it was funny because in the morning when the screw opened the door I saw a black eye the screw looked at him looked at me and said to him hey son what happened but the screw was looking at me at the same time I was looking the screw right in the eye and then I was looking at him and he went I fell over sir I went yes there you go you know when you were doing that as well did you feel as if you had some sort of power especially not having any at 12 years old where you had no control but then when you started getting a bit older a bit more violent did you feel as if no dick had hurt you anymore no no no I never was on a power trip because that's not what I'm about that's people who may be a weak who think they have to prove something I know who I am I've known from day one who I am that's why the system couldn't break me that's why they couldn't really fucking break me they made me sad and they made me cry and made me angry they couldn't break me nobody can break me because I know who I am so it's not about power because I know my power I know when I turn it on I can turn it on but I don't want anybody to see the power I'm happy for nobody to see the power I'm say how you doing my friend what's going on are you okay everything alright and I'm talking to everybody and I get in with everybody I was one of the most liked people because I'm very talkative and I'm very friendly and I'm very open and people come to me and they I've got good character I can joke and be funny if someone takes this for granted or thinks oh you know what he can't be serious then I say I say come on then I'll show you some serious shit and then when I show them they realise they made a big mistake so no because I knew how powerful I was I was very confident with every aspect even screws I had some run-ins with the screws I had run-ins with the police I had run-ins with everybody if it's 10 to 1 I say if I'm mad enough and crazy enough and they all knew it and many times that I'm outnumbered I said come on let's go you know because when it's time to go it's time to go but we rather not go because you must be what now about 18-19 stone well my friend made me the other day I'm 18 stone yeah but it's rubbish at the moment it's not like it is in the picture at the moment it's crap I'm in the gym now well I have a brain tumour but I'm in the gym I'm in the gym every day at 7 o'clock for two hours in the day and sometimes I go in the afternoon so I'm just getting because the thing was when I went to prison in 2015 the day before I was going on holiday to Mykonos my body was ripped I was cut I was on a bit of juice there's no excuse when you're on juice I was mean looking good ripped cut the body was looking fit I mean believe me these guns 21 ripped people were gone crazy you know so anyway so I was looking great but then the day before I was going on holiday something terrible I can't get into this thing because my friend will be listening to this and it's very bad what happened he's a sweetheart and he doesn't deserve anything so I can't talk about what happened it would be in the book but something terrible I mean terrible so terrible happened and it would be in the book and when people read it I'm not going to believe it it wasn't he's fault it was my fault but it was because of what I've been through something snapped and something happened so I went to prison but when I walked into prison even the prison opposite my god why do you need to look like that I said listen don't worry about how I need to look I'm not in here for you to tell me how I need to look because he thought he was big to screw he said why do you need to look like that I said what's got to do with you I'm not in here for you to abuse me I'm not telling the business I don't suffer any shit but because I'm in prison I know I can't go crazy but verbally I can speak my mind because if I can't speak my mind I won't be the person I am today and I don't care who you are when I was in prison I was the only one openly gay only one only one everybody else hides and in the beginning they gave me a rough time all the everybody the RDS and everybody but guess what when I left everybody said even the screws said Peter you are the most respected person in here and the most liked person in here because I told them how it is see after your three years Peter what did you do well when I got out I've only just been out three years now no when the shotgun and scenes was many years ago oh well when I got out from then yeah your first three years at 18 it's a long time ago and so much trauma has happened well I can't tell you exactly because it's a long time ago and so much has happened but obviously I just got back into the system and then I found the gym the gym I boxed for a while had three fights in the ring lost one disqualified one and drawed one yeah so then I realised I'm not going to be a great boxer I thought I was going to be world champion the moment you get punched in the face you realise you're not going to be world champion especially when you smoke that blood and you know boof and you see the stars you know what I don't need to get punched in the face to earn a living so then I got into bouncing and doing security and everybody hired me and I did a bit of work with Lenny McLean I don't even know Lenny McLean did Mickey 3L and Mickey 3L so I did scorpion security and I did some work for them and then we just went around working on the door and in them days you didn't need a badge you didn't need so you had everybody on there and we all laughed and having great fun and of all the bouncers I was the best light because what used to happen was if there was trouble they used to say Peter go over and talk to them because they know I go and talk to them so I walk over to them and say hello my friends hello my friends so there's no need for anybody to get upset hello my friends how are you for my sake for my sake can you just quiet down a bit most of the time they say yes but sometimes they say well you the fuck are you excuse me I say my friends the A team will come and bust them up and they realise who the fuck we are but when I was doing security my goal was never to hurt people never to intimidate people and to welcome people but the moment they wanted to dance and wanted to misbehave they gave them a good bit of what they want what was learning me clean like is he as tough as people say yeah well I mean you know I'm not scared of many people but when you see him because he looks the part as well 6 foot 2 broad, thick caveman style chocolate diet, fingers thick like that knuckles fucking like that fists fucking like that tall and he said how are you doing son oh I'm okay I'm okay so I walked over to him he said yeah you got a great physique I said Frank can you give me some gear you know we did a few jobs for him but it's funny because when we were walking down the road he said alright boys all behind me so we all have to walk behind him he's in front of him he's walking like this I found him okay but I didn't want to be around him too much because he's very dangerous I hate to speak badly of the dead because he's dead sorry about that you know who knows but you know when he goes you could have a joke with him and then all of a sudden he wouldn't like the joke and I remember a doorman calling him Pops Pops how are you doing Pops American guy big American guy how are you doing Pops tapping like this and I could see McLean didn't like that just for his face and I think it played on him Pops old man past it that's what he thought two hours later he called him in the room he called him up he called him facking Pops he called him facking Pops so I didn't want too much to do with him he was more Mickey Fio's friend and Mickey Fio's a friend of mine and Mickey said yeah come Peter we've got a bit of work on the door me you Lenny so yeah I worked with him about three or four times how many definite doors did you work Peter oh well I started when I was 21 in Turnpac Lane what was that like I was new to it and in them days I was okay I had a lot of respect because people knew me they knew me in that area it's my area so if I'm working in the door they know to behave themselves you know and a lot of my friends come here I used to be an Arsenal you know I was one of the Arsenal I was one of the Hurricanes I'm not proud of it but I was one of the top boys there so I'm known by all the Arsenal Tottenham and West Ham and all camps he saved my life one time because we Arsenal went into their end and I don't know if you even know Denton who died Arsenal the bear anyway we all went in there and he was one of the top guys we all went in their end there's only about a hundred of us we went up the stairs I'm standing behind him you fucking cunt we're in their end and all these dockers come and they're steaming to us we're at number 50 to 1 everybody's on the floor everybody's smashed I'm the last one standing but they're coming towards me I'm backing off because I'm backing off against the door there I'm in for it suddenly I hear leave me alone he's Gerald he's my friend and this was Cass he's the leader he said Peter fuck off go on Frank Bruno on as well and Cass has saved Frank because Frank Bruno was getting picked on at a train station he was only a young kid had little skates on at the time and Cass told him to fuck off leave me alone to pull blades out on him Cass is a nice nice man dangerous bastard I met him I think I met him in Bostel DC Bostel DC because when I was 16 I went to send DC fuck you know man I mean they really abuse you it's like being in the army MBB's and jumping around do really bad things to kids in there they could torture you and the government yeah yeah go on so I think I met him in there yeah he's just released another book Cass oh okay oh good so you ended up a hell of a fucking hell Peter man your story goes deep this is not even anything anything no but people don't realise with me when they see me they don't know what the shit they don't know what the shit this is why these interviews are so good though because there's so many people saying people get an understanding of you Peter why you done what you done why you get involved with me to understand the pain and misery and trauma why triggers people to do bad lesson then they will have choices Peter but some people can't control their emotions when they've been tortured and terrorised for such a young life well you see what people have to realise about trauma that when it happens to a child a young child it can only go one place and that's in your DNA and in there it will stay when it happens to an older person you can show yourself from it you have friends to protect you you can rationalise it you can understand it happened to me from 8 months where is that going to go no I can't rationalise it all I can do is feel it it's going to go into my DNA and because I'm highly sensitive it goes into every molecule and atom so from my toes to my head I'm full of trauma I'm full of adversity this is the reason why I'm always crying I can cry at the slightest thing because it wants to come out if it wasn't for the gym if it wasn't for me training in the gym I would either be dead in a mental hospital or I would have killed everyone it's dangerous place to be it's dangerous but I know that I'm not a dangerous person but everybody can be dangerous everybody if the right buttons are pushed 100% all these people are talking bollocks so how did you end up in the football casual scene this is another story well in them days the archway lot we used to call ourselves the archway suicide squad and young guys and we all got together but the real reason all your arsenal lot watching this you're going to find out the real reason why I was one of you because a lot of my arsenal friends were good looking and I was gay I was shocked and I see that one over there blonde blue eye wow and over there look at him and they wore tight jeans and they look hot and nice so I went round there and they all liked me they loved my character they didn't know I was gay so I went over there and don't forget I had no family so for me it was more of a family thing but at the same time I had them all up beautiful boys beautiful boys so eventually they all found out I was gay and most of them were okay I said well you know the one who said fuck this they didn't come up to my face and say fuck this I beg him I wish he would come I wanted to come who was that Peter coming out like the ease and stuff that must have been a difficult thing because even people struggle with it no 2282 difficult listen the whole existence being difficult so that was another layer on top of the difficult difficult difficult so for me I said bring it on it was coming from every angle I've been there from 8 months so that was another difficult situation do you think you're just so used to that anyway what difficult anybody can do anything to me and if it's really bad I will be sad and I might cry but this is the thing because I'm writing my book I'm reading a lot of reports from yesterday so I read a school report the other day and this is what it said and I was 6 at the time it said Peter does not conform discipline but the moment you show him any kindness you have him eating that with your hand and this is how it is today if you're horrible to me you say bad words to me I'm used to it the moment you show me kindness I'll start crying I will cry thank you so much and this is why I've been crying all week because my my video has gone viral I mean me, it hasn't been possible that I go viral but I'm getting so much love I get so much love from everybody I'm not used to love and kindness before I come here I didn't know about this but what do you call it wish list I don't know anything about that so seeing that being on this week it's only Sunday I posted it so it's only Sunday people knowing who I am even though I've been around for a long time it's only now they know who I am so I'm not good on computers so my friend is helping me with all this and that so he said people are asking what I can get you they can get you on this wish list what do you mean wish list you can wish for things oh my god this is great so I did 14 things I want to wish for nothing too expensive I still haven't got the watch yet maybe someone an iPhone so before I come here I miss the bus the phone ran oh I'm outside your house who are they called the big company who do all the stuff Amazon driver he said I've got a fan load of parcels for you for me where's it come from I said be there in 10 minutes I'm in there the driver said to me because he looked at me and then he got it he got it in two minutes I posted a video innocently on there not thinking anybody would watch it because I posted it for the politicians because I want to tell these politicians and not behave themselves it's really terrible what they're doing for the rich not for the poor and I'm born here I didn't get any help at all I didn't get any voices so I posted it and didn't think anything of it so when I turned on the computer and I'm getting all this love and people going crazy I start crying I think I said oh my god people have really been kind to me it's nice so anyway when I left here when I go back tonight I've got 95 packages to open in fact I'm going to film it later on and put it on my tiktok and thank everybody because it's wonderful they're struggling themselves see the thing is we're all battling no matter what anybody looks at their appearance even speaking to you on the phone very friendly, very nice you would never know the depth of your story of being abused, being a football hooligan being a tough man, being in prison holding shotguns, crying every fucking day everyday I cry this is one of my biggest wish for maybe next year to not cry for a whole year if I could not cry or maybe I can cry this is my dream I want to cry happy tears my biggest dream is to have my book published I have three ghost writers nobody can write it because it's so extreme I don't have any money at the moment but it's my biggest wish to have these books done because not only are they healing me very very putic and I'm learning about myself more I never knew I was a highly sensitive person not sensitive I never knew I was a highly sensitive person it's a trait, only 15% population now until when? when did you find out? when I was in prison did you do courses and stuff? no these fucking for my language these fucking these fucking pieces of trash not all of them because some prison officers are okay I ended up in only prison only so I'm in only prison now I made a decision before I went to prison I had to make a decision I said to myself I'm going to humble and crumble I'm not used to humble and crumble which means basically I'm going to humble myself and crumble if someone's in my face not too badly in other words where my temperament would normally be fucking less rock and roll when people were abusive or say hop a finger I pretend I didn't hear so that's what I mean by humble and crumble but for the officers though if they're going to be disrespectful I will be disrespectful for verbally so there's one officer he's a fucking piece of crap he's a small guy syndrome and he said you need to do a course he said you need to do a course I said listen I said listen I don't need to do any course he said you need to do a course if you want to go to decaf you know decaf I said guess what I said I'm not going decaf you know I wasn't prepared I was not prepared to do this course to go to decaf where most of these hard core prisoners they sell their mum to fucking go decaf the way they were whining and moaning these were supposed to be gangsters I needed to go decaf and I looked at them with so much disdain I thought you're supposed to be the tougher arm you're begging him for decaf I'm not begging any officer so this officer put me on the course and he wrote to the prison for me to do this course so the prison wrote to me and said okay Mr. Joe are we going to be shipped to this prison to do the course oh when I got that note I was fuming really mad motherfucker so I wrote to the prison I said guess what you can bring a horse to water but if the horse I want to drink he's not drinking and I'm not going to engage with your course because I know I don't need it I said I'm a big wrong man and you people are not qualified to tell me what course I need to do so if I do go to your prison be noticed I will not be doing it and I don't care what the consequences is I said you can put me in that block don't feed me don't give me fuck all starve me but I'm not returning now you can take everything away from me you can put me in prison you can even try to bend me up if you wish but I still will not be doing the course do you get it and then they wrote to me and said alright Mr. Joe you don't need to do the course so even in prison I'm going to have my dignity like prime example I was in court you know the sweatboxes I hate sweatboxes I have cosmetophobia so the moment I get locked in the box I start sweating and panicking and shaking and it's a really terrible scene if you actually saw me in there you'd feel sorry for me it's not nice and this happened to me 20 times and I was traumatised so when I was in the court and I come back we're in the cell of about six of us and the officers come in and say ok everybody up go into the sweatbox and all the others got up like pussies and they said alright get up Peter I said no I said first of all I said clearly so they understand I would say listen because I want to get the attention I said listen I'm scared I have cosmetophobia I said I'm nervous I said I don't like it it traumatises me I said I can't go in there I said what do you mean you can't go in there I said I told you I don't understand English so he went out and slammed the door and ten minutes later ten of them walked in looked like they were trying to intimidate me I mean I was scared but I don't know how to show it you know so I'm looking at them I said yeah you need to get in the van I said no I said listen I am a human being I said I'm traumatised I said I'm scared I said I don't like it he's not good for me I said what I would like you to do I said what I would like you to do is to get the sweatbox that is bigger with aircon and lucky I think I pealed to one of them here and okay and they went and got the bigger one so this is humanity and do you know who gave me the strength do you know who gave me the strength to do that it's Josephine who's that black lady 1955 who refused to go to the back of the bus mother parks or something Rosa Parks Rosa Parks Rosa Parks in 1955 in Mississippi she must have been scared these big white men intimidated for the quarter I thought if she can front it up I can do it all these years later so she gave me the power to say so she refused in 1955 to go to the back of the bus in 2015 I refused to get on the bus and she gave me the gusto to do that how long were you a footballer looking for one, two, three about three years oh quick shot then did you ever come across Big Baz Bannington one eyed Baz checkbox I just passed away God rest his soul yeah no who did you support I didn't mean them I had Baz on and I've had Bill Gardner on he was West Ham top boy yeah but what was your toughest scrap well believe it or not now I was a footballer again but I really didn't do anything I can't remember really doing anything I was more for some reason everybody thought I am but everybody thought I was really tough but I can't remember fight because they were all fighting I was more I didn't really fight and I don't know how I got away with it but I didn't want to fight because that's not me if someone is in my face I'll fight so no I personally didn't fight isn't that weird and I was a footballer again and I didn't fight what happened after that then after that I started getting into security just doing the doors though doing the doors what was the toughest door you worked on not in this country where did you work I worked in Oslo in Rockers in Hell's Angels I went into one by full of Hell's Angels I'm the only black I'm walking in they were looking at me like this who are you I said I'm the fucking doorman you mean you're dumb I'm the fucking doorman I mean I was scared I'm always scared but I'll never show it I'll never show it because I know the moment you show any scaredness you're fucked so I said I'm the fucking doorman I'm shit myself I'm the fucking doorman it's an act you gotta act I'm the fucking doorman fuck you know he's black he's on his own he must be mad you know so you play the role you know what I mean so I'm going to fuck you there there and then once I leave I go fuck you know so yeah in Oslo it was tough yeah no I didn't and I can I'm very proud of myself because in maybe the 25 years 30 years I was doing door work I never really hurt anybody you know I had to hit a few people of course but I never hurt anybody where some of the doormen really relished it and loved it and rubbed the bullies but I prefer to talk to them I prefer to talk to everybody what chuggers then your violence Peter so right now through instances like for instance when I moved into a flat up in Hackney in about 1999 moved into this flat I was on the second from top floor put all my stuff renting it from a friend put all my stuff up sat back looked at all my stuff suddenly everything falls on the floor everything falls on the floor and the flat starts to shake oh my god we're having an earthquake I've been in Hackney shit two seconds later I look up the ceiling's vibrating hold on playing the bass so loud the whole block is shaking I say to myself wow this is unbelievable so I'm in my flat now looking at everything shaking on the floor now this is what I say to myself I say well you've only just moved in here can you put up with that or not and then I said no so if I can't put up with it what have I got to do I go upstairs and confront him right so I said alright here we go I don't know who's up there but he must have been mad cunt playing the music like that and not giving a fuck so I go upstairs and bang on the fucking door at the top floor bang on the fucking door bang bang and this black guy opens and slam the door we're warping man and I'm looking at him I don't want to say anything further I'm going to look at the cunt and he's looking at me I say listen you fucking cunt see me and now he's seeing me because I make sure he sees everything proper you know see me I've just moved in fucking downstairs and I can't put up with this shit so what's it going to be is it going to be quiet from now on or are we going to go right this minute and I already knew what I was going to do because we was on the fourth floor I was going to pick him up and chuck him over no hesitation the moment he would have made a step you would have gone over there I was going to do my plan that was going to happen so I'm waiting for him I'm looking at him and I can see the fear in his eyes creeping at me okay okay I said we'll make fucking sure and I didn't hear from him again so normally when people misbehave or when people have been rude some guy was playing Paul in Archway one of the bars and the ports to keep hitting my ass wherever I moved around it hit me three times on the ass and then I turn and say hey my friend see my friend always friend I don't want to my friend please have a bit of manners you know he's like what you mean what you mean man and he rolled up like this and I just so that's when when people in my face when there's no talking I mean if you're going to go it's on you know like now they push each other like girls we don't do any pushing the moment there's disrespect on a bad level or a bad look I'm from the old school don't forget so we're not going to do the talking we're going to do the business respect for everybody because everybody knew that they said you know what Pete is actually a good love but you know don't get too excited with him you know because you know he's not going to be great what about relationship do you have a hard relationship I crave love I'm craving for love for care leavers for people who haven't been in care love is the number one for normal people obviously they want love but it's heightened for people who have never had love I prayed I didn't fall in love when I was young the body, you see the body the body was a god but it wasn't only ripped it wasn't only ripped that shape when I started training you can see the thing there but no bodybuilders what the biggest mistake I think a lot of them make they put too much muscle that the frame can't carry now if you want to be a monster you can be a monster but monsters don't look great you can't walk without a shape they look terrible I think personally I didn't want to be a monster my goal in the beginning was to have one of the most beautiful physique in the world and that's what I trained for so I trained for symmetry proportion, aesthetics I trained for beauty and in my day when I got it all right and every draw is dropped straight or gay or whatever women and man because I was beautiful looking there I carried it with grace I didn't break a bone I was nice so for me I wanted to have a great physique because I knew if I had a good physique I'd be attractive to people and that's why I trained hard that's one of the reasons so for me I trained for my mental state and I trained to be attractive all my life people said I'm not attractive when I was young I didn't get any attention telling me bad things about myself so my steam was bad so I had to build up my steam and the only way I knew was first looking like a god and looking like that people said you know is that also a protection as well to be big instead of obviously the attractions an appeal as well so if you're being abused as a kid to then be big and strong you could have some power that nobody could hurt you that wasn't foremost no never because the thing is muscles or not I'm good to go you know what I mean I'm good to go so it doesn't matter for me but a lot of guys now when they train, when they can't reduce they lose a bit of gear, they get so timid I've lost 2 inches of my arm I've lost a centimetre of my arm, I'll fucking get over it what weight were you? I'm the biggest or bulky or in shape bulky about 22 stone that's a big door looked like a fucking sumo wrestler but there you can see everything's tight and it's ripped I'm about 16 stone but the thing with me is my guns I stood one day I stood in Wembley against the best body building in the world at the time Flex Wheeler the best body building in the world, I wanted to see him so I walked up to him and I saw him there and I looked at him and I wanted to see if I could find a fort so I walked around him, looked at him and up and down he looked at me and I couldn't find a fort I mean he looked great so me and Flex are talking now and the audience are coming up and talking to me and they all come up they're not talking to Flex, they're talking to me so Flex says to me who are you, thinking I'm somebody I said I'm nobody, I said I've come to see you so he said do you mind standing over there I said excuse me, I said why he said could you make me look bad and this was the best body building in the world at the time so it proved that I did look great so relationships, Pierre, what's your longest relationship? do you struggle with love? what do you mean by struggle? just accepting it or trying to be in love see, I'm completely different, you'd think having no love, you'd think I'm not I can't give love no, I give love better than anybody what's your longest relationship? maybe four or five years that's quite long it's quite long how are you in a relationship do you struggle with abandonment issues or do you get jealous, possessive no, I don't have any of that but I do have one thing this is part of the thing I can't talk about this got me in trouble when people leave me then something happens mentally to me I don't know what it is, I like to find out something happens to me mentally I think, try to work it out myself I think it's because when one person has an emotional connection with somebody I have feelings for deep feelings, when they abandon me it's very hurtful I will cry I feel very upset, I feel very abandonment but I think I feel the abandonment of all the other people at the same time so the magnitude is terrible because I'm feeling that he's abandonment and then I'm feeling the abandonment of my parents the children the staff it's triple triple, triple, triple, triple, triple and I have some kind of mental breakdown you know? how many different prisons you've been in, Pierre? prisons, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven it's a long time you've been in a situation like this no, but no no, it's a chance it was worse fuck the prisons was the prisons easier for you? it was all hard what was the worst prison you've been in? just like were they just all the same to you? no, no, tell you what fucking disgusting you've got a human being in there and then they had the audacity to complain when we act like animals retreat like animals they put you in there but I actually wrote a poem about the prison I call it disgusting soup when I read it to people who laugh and it's disgusting sometimes you're going to have a shower for a week the food is disgusting you're under so much stress you're in a small confinement you have this shit in there and then the government have the audacity to say you act like animals you're hitting officers of course you're going to be hitting officers when you're confined and you're waiting for your case and you've got stress and of course you are this last one 8 years yeah, yeah but then I did a pee bargain and I dropped it down to something else so what happened there can you talk about that? no, no, that's a personal between me and my friend I can't do that with a woman so how hard is that for you Peter? from a man who's like you say when you speak to him you'd think very loving caring when I speak to him on the phone but you've been through so much as a kid you're not a man to be fucked with either because if you lose it you lose it does that scare you sometimes that you've got that viciousness in you? well, yes but actually to be honest with you the thing I'm most proud of and it may sound a bit weird but after all I've been through the thing I'm most proud of is I didn't kill anybody with my bare hands because it would have been up close and personal it must come a few times so when people do you that harm especially when you're young and when people misbehave so I'm proud that I didn't do that for me I'm proud of that and I'm proud that I'm still very loving I'm still very caring and I'm a sweet person everybody calls me sweet muscle so I still have that sweetness if I didn't tell you these stories you would have thought oh look at him no no because I tell you what nobody sees the side but I can also feel the energy and the power and I can also see I've interviewed 300 people so I've always got a good understanding of people I didn't realise the extent of the hooligans and the dollars and stuff like that but you're a very gentle man I can feel that everything's energies I believe I've interviewed a guy from the IRA a loving stone who doesn't think nothing of it but with me now most people don't know and I like it that way most people don't know I was in Spain one time and I was with a gorgeous guy and the moment we got there everybody was on his case because he was really beautiful I didn't mind I wasn't jealous because I knew he wanted me so a lot of them we were dancing and a lot of these guys were around him but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to cause a scene with him because he liked it a bit but the next night I had a big fight in the club because this big Spanish guy come up to me he's a little bit drunk and he need me in the ribs there and it hurt so I looked to him tall guy and I did it back to him he didn't like that obviously so he came towards me I mean Amnesia they wanted the best club to be there great club, good night, rocking really enjoying myself this guy comes up to me and wants to beat me up so he's walking towards me and I'm walking back but I've got my hands up because I want him to see that I'm no threat so as he's walking towards me I'm walking back now it's like two gladiators the circle is getting bigger and everybody can see what's happening because I'm massive there he's tall everybody's looking this goes on for about 30 seconds now it's a big fucking and everybody's watching peripheral they're all looking now I must have looked like a coward because I don't want any trouble I'm on holiday I'm with my sweetheart I've got nothing to prove I know what I can do so he's walking towards me I'm walking back I put my hand up and I'm saying to him he can't hear me because of music but I'm saying calm down calm down he's not calming down he really wants to give it to me so I'm walking back the moment my back hits the wall I've got to go forward I can't do anything else and that's when I've got to switch so the moment I felt it then I switched in front of people but when I switched I don't know exactly what I'm doing because the ferocity and everything else so later on the people saw that one guy hit a bar and he said Peter he went fuck I had three friends over from New York he said you pick the guy up and chuck him at the free and they're all fucking on the floor so I didn't know but the guy got a good bastion anyway and then I saw him two weeks later on the beach from a distance he was kind of making himself notice with me so I saw him and all I went I went I see you and then he disappeared how about is that when you have one of those moments Peter after the storm comes down is it upset you or do you I'm upset because I've got the aggression in me now so when that happened when I dispatched him quick I'd give him one punch and his face wasn't great don't think his mum would have recognised him so now all the bouncers have heard they've all come running over now all the bouncers and all big lumps spotlights on me now it's like proper gladiating stuff and I'm like this they're looking at me telling them I'm like this and suddenly I come out of it I said what's going on I'm not scared I said what's going on they said would you come with us please I said yeah no problem they said the guy was Spanish if his English is ok but he's Spanish you're barred and fuck off go and I left and that's fine have you all been diagnosed with anything no I haven't but I'm not being funny but I have to be in that case in some way where does all that trauma go if it's been a life full of trauma I have to be sometimes I wonder what I've got I mean you wouldn't think can I not have anything what happened to Red Bruncher oh well I was in Norway my ex mother was dying yeah well we finished but I said too many years ago I said sweetheart when your mother was dying wherever I am in the world if you call me I will come straight in you sure I say of course so he called me 10 years later I said sweetheart I'm coming don't worry the next day I got on the plane I went there just in time in the hospital with him she died in front of us and I just cuddled him I said come on come on he's a sweet boy he's a beautiful boy he's a beautiful mind you he's beautiful but he's bipolar there's another story so anyway terrible terrible behaviour but anyway so I was there with him so while I was there with him I went to the hospital for something else they said oh would you like to have a free check up I said yeah of course went there 2 weeks later they said everything's fine but we think you've got a brain tumour oh my god now I'm scared he's a brain tumour I'm thinking what is it is it the good or the bad one we're both bad but one's terminal and one's not so they said we don't know but come back in 2 or 3 weeks we'll let you know now I leave the hospital scared now but I can't tell him because his mother's just died I couldn't be dying 3-4 weeks time if I got it I'm very scared I've got a comfort in I can't tell him he's not behaving great because he's stressed by a polar so I'm very much under stress I'm right about myself I can't talk to anybody I'm in a foreign country and I'm really nervous but then I go back 3 weeks later they said no it's the other one so I've been on medication for the last 10 years and everything's okay now well I'm still here how was it being openly gay as well did a lot of people try and test you more Peter or was everybody acceptance of it no because they can't test me because they know who I am how can they test me because they know they know he's gay but he's a vicious gay one that one did you find a lot of so-called gangsters and stuff who weren't out who were who were did you ever get people like so-called gangsters hit on you and pretend they were married not really no no not really gangsters no but I did work for the gay mafia who was that well they called themselves the gay mafia but they were kind of mafia well mafia-ish have you heard of a club called trade trade how old are you come Scottish as well in the 90s in London very big club trade big everybody come from all over Europe to go there massive mad club characters in their madness going there and somebody I used to know who's gay he used to sell all the drugs in there and he was allowed to do it because he was getting paid off openly and so in heaven he was selling all the drugs and in all the gay so there was a mafia he got all these gay friends to do it so we called him the gay mafia and he liked that and he made millions and millions and millions but then it went on for too long and he eventually got arrested but he wasn't a mafia to me but to his own mind he even got a big painting done in his river his cigar and all that kind of I thought he's lost it he had cancer lost it but the funny thing was because he had all the gear all the drugs he used to fuck all the straight boys because the straight boys would do anything for drugs yeah give him the drugs and he'd give you ass he used to fuck them all day long yeah I used to be jealous so what happens then when you're all across you have emotions through life Peter you've got yourself in great shape you've worked to doors you've been in fucking football hooligan you've been in out relationships you've got a brain tumor you get done for attempt murder there when did you get out? three years ago so how's life been? well the first year was tough because they put me for about six months they put me in a bailout store yeah it's worse than fucking prison fuck it I was shocked I mean there's more cameras in the fucking bailouts than prison more rules curfew you've got to do all these chores you've got to do these courses you've got to do this you know what I'm going to go back to fucking prison fuck I had to bite my tongue I had to bite my tongue and they talked to you like shit because they know you say something bad they can recall you so they talked to you like shit and then they do something that was called a welfare a welfare check right fucking judge you nuts when you're in your room it's curfew knock on your room at fucking 9 o'clock in the morning oh it's a welfare check now they just notice cunts to see if you're in there right then they do it at 12 o'clock then they do it so about five times a day they're knocking on your door being nosy and then they can come and search I mean it's really I say anybody who's going to go to a bailout hospital think twice because it really is tough and at the moment I've got a probation officer yeah and most of them again are cunts how many times you've got to see a P.O. a week well I've got a good one at the moment I mean really good it's a fact we're like friends I mean really is great it's a good laugh and in fact he said to me the other day he said Peter I want to be your friend when this is over but I have to ask permission I said permission from who from he works to be a friend because I'm an ex-con I said okay but he really wants to be my friend I said that's great because he's a good guy as well but I see this one once a month and he's good he's good that's not a sort of bad thing he started off once a week and some of them and some of them made my blood boil I mean really I said come out there and have to sit down and breathe heavy because you know they always want to talk about their offence and I said hold on a minute I've done the bird for that I've done corset for that and all you're doing is traumatising me I don't want to talk about their offence I want to move on and talk about other stuff all you're doing is bring me back and I said to them I said listen I said listen I've been in the system since I was 8 months yeah as long as you've been alive right so you don't tell me anything about what the system is going to do for me and how they're going to help me and what they're going to give me because they're going to give me shit except trauma and scars so let's get it straight and I don't want to be here but I have to be here because it's part of the licence so I would answer your questions and do that but we're not friends I don't like you in fact but I'm here to be straight and then I just go and say as little as possible and then just piss off do you think you'll stay out of prison Peter? yeah yeah oh no this was a mistake this wasn't this was something mental what happened it wasn't intentional that's why the person was involved you know understands this so no no I don't want to be in prison I'm not a gangster I'm not trying to be tough I'm not trying to hurt anybody I'm not trying to do anything except leave my life the prison thing was a very very bad thing that happened but it was mental and everybody involved understands that how old are you now? I'm now I believe it or not 62 you look great man I tell everybody I'm only 50 that's to get the younger boys is that do you scare yourself something Peter? in what way? just that when you can be triggered no because for most of it I'm in control I said the only time I'm a little bit scared of myself is when loss comes someone is leaving me and being horrible to me at the same time have you ever been suicide though? no that's weird that's fucking weird because if anybody should have I should have I mean I did cut myself once with a Stanley blade because that's because I just wanted to take some pain away somewhere else but then instead and it worked but then I thought fuck it out and we'd do that again have you ever had therapy or anything? no I'm trying to it's one of my biggest wishes to have therapy because I'd say I must be nuts I can't be right what a fucking nut Peter my ex-boyfriend who was bipolar I said to him listen you're fucking nutty I said you're this crazy he said you're nut here than me so we're coming from a summit that's got bipolar that's for anybody watching to reach out I can tell you're a gentle man I can tell you're a sweet guy but I also can tell it people don't see it but I'm talking to you if I didn't talk to you about this you wouldn't know you wouldn't know you're like everybody does do you think that's a tactic you have though? no it's not even a tactic just me, listen I have no tactics when I'm speaking to you now and when I'm on that podcast there when I posted that thing that's gone viral no tactics the thing with me is I always speak from the heart and when I talk I speak from the heart and that's the only way I can do it and that's why any situation I'm in any situation I'm in I will hold myself properly if I'm outnumbered 10 to 1 I'm still going to go down like a man if in prison when the officers want me to do something the consequences is not good you do I do and I accept the consequences so now my integrity comes first I'm not a bully I don't want to intimidate anybody I don't want to hurt anybody in fact I want to be friends I always made friends so I could feel loved that's because I didn't get any love anywhere else and I was very popular in school and I'm still very popular as a person everybody seems to warm by my personality because nobody knows that side of me and you because you want to hear the story if you met me you wouldn't know these stories when are you at your happiest well happy is a word I'm not sure if I know the feeling I've had happy moments some great happy moments when I go to Thailand wow happy time Ibiza I lived in Ibiza happy time Norway happy time when I'm in love happy times I've had happy moments happy times my life hasn't been happy someone sent me a message the other day and they said to me even your grief is love I'm all about love it's the truth it's known so happy is something I'm not sure if I'm going to get ever be happy but I'm happy to live I know my life hasn't been great but it's not been so bad that I don't want to live does that make sense? so happy I'm not sure if I'm going to be statically happy because you know how can I be because my childhood was taken away from me there was no childhood so how can I be happy because that's supposed to be the best time of your life why did you go to Norway? because he's Norwegian oh you went for a man? no yeah of course I go anyway for love I can go to Mars if you're a Martian and you're good looking I'm leaving in Mars with you me and you in a tent because I want to be loved I want someone to love me I've been single now for seven years and it's hard for me it's really terrible and I wish I could find somebody but it's hard do you have much family around you know? no I don't have family do I I have three brothers but they're not great well they're terrible they're not great they're terrible we don't get on but I think the reason because I worked out the other day when we were in care they had to turn their emotions to survive with me I'm highly sensitive that's not an option I can't do it I can't turn off my emotions it's not possible I can't do it because I'm emotional so they forgot to turn their emotions back on and so when I see them they're like cold fish and sometimes I cry in front of them they look at me like fix up man fix yourself up you know and that hurts me because they should know how did you feel when your dad passed? well I tried to avoid it in fact because he wanted me to come I think he wanted me to come these last few days I said no my older brother said no I said listen I've gone already made up with that Christmas if you think I'm going to traumatise myself more and watch him die when I don't need to why would I do that? we parted I don't owe anything to him I don't know if I call to him so if he's going to die now he can die knowing that he's met me and I'm at peace with him but I'm not going to watch him die then walk away and be traumatised and have a scar in my body I'm not going to do that to myself so now because I'm sensitive I have to guard myself from situations like that if I'm watching a horror film now I don't even watch a horror film because I don't want that horror in my head I'm walking the street and I hear loud noises people talking loud I don't want any noise or if someone is giving me attitude which doesn't happen but if someone is giving me attitude I would just look and never look at that person again because I want to avoid any confrontation I deserve my remaining years of happiness I don't want conversation with anybody so this is what I'm trying to avoid do you sleep all day at night? and this is really weird because I shouldn't and even my exes say how is it you sleep so well with all your fucking trauma and everything you've gone through and I wondered as well so when I went to Norway to find out about my tumour they did another sleep test they wired me up with all this shit so I'm on the bed there sleeping and then I woke up and they said to me yeah but it's very weird with you I said what do you mean? they said that deep sleep is what you need to get into with you you go straight into it and I think him up there he knew he had to put that in there because otherwise I wouldn't be sleeping that's when I wouldn't be sleeping that helps with the pain I can go to sleep just like that and I sleep good but I spoke to someone a couple of weeks ago who was a bodybuilder Matt sleeps not the greatest but he says my testosterone is dropping I don't it's just that trait if there is such a thing because when it comes to God do you believe in God? I believe in the higher power it's only recently I've stopped praying when you've been praying for 60 odd years and all you get is tears what's the point? hold on I'm praying he knows I'm a good guy he knows my heart so how is it possible that these prayers have not been answered but then this happens this week and everybody is interested in me and my story and maybe this is what it's all about now I'm just saying maybe he's put me through all that to finally have something to tell people you know there's a video I made we're trying to put it on the net but it was made about two years ago and I want to do a TED talk so it's a video of me speaking for 15 minutes and hopefully we can try to put it up there if you see that video everybody who sees that video is speechless this is what I'm trying to do because I want to do a TED talk my goal is to get these books published I'm doing two books at the moment one is my autobiography and the other one is a book of letters and they both complement each other because they're both the same story but one told in letters and the other thing I want to do is a TED talk I want to go on the stage and the reason why I want to tell my story is because I've had eight friends and there's a lot of people young people committing suicide I want to let them know that we are more than our adversity I want to let them know that we can overcome it we can become something more than our pain and our tears I want them to know that suicide is never the answer because whatever you're going through we're not lost you know if I can stand up and tell my pain and my heart hurt, my sadness hold on I had no family I had no love when I left care my nose had been broken twice my jaw broken, my ribs broken I was raped, I was beaten, I had no love and look I'm here today telling you I survived this you're going through something but look what I survived so if I can do it you can hang on I don't want another young person to die like that and also childhood trauma I don't want another child to feel like I felt I don't want no child in the world in the world should feel like I felt I felt abandoned I felt worthless I felt lonely, I felt despair my whole life was no joy in my childhood I can't remember one memory that lifts me in the sky not one you wanted to read something Peter yeah well this is something because I was in the care of Haringey council and I wrote this letter and I handed it in last week and this is what I wrote excuse me I'm going to do it slowly yeah take your time reparations to Haringey council I'm writing to you asking for reparations for the many wrongs done to me while I was in your care in the 1960s to 1978 because a large number of my care was acted wolfily and with great malice towards me I am seeking compensation to offset the multitude of injustices done to me I'm also seeking an apology I feel it's important to take this step so I can gain closure and move on with my life I acknowledge 82 was one of the better homes and for 11 years it felt like a home and I felt safe but this all changed suddenly and violently which has left me traumatised to this day resulting in post-traumatic stress disorder for violently removing me from the only home ever known of 11 years I am seeking £100,000 for being traumatised for life resulting in post-traumatic stress I am seeking a further £100,000 for putting me through 25 different institutions like human cargo and in a harms way there really isn't enough money in the world that can cover what I was subjected to over nearly two decades in your care for the violence I witnessed and the violence perpetrated against me you are charged £200,000 for hearing other children scream at night £25,000 for their appalling and shameful brutality and for humiliating, terrorising, beating and scaring me shitless you will never be forgiven for the many punches and kicks that broke my nose twice and the various other wicked blows that fractured my ribs and jaw I have to tell you it was only then that I wondered how much more a young boy so could endure but being raped on my 12th birthday was the final straw and when I lost all belief and started hating myself all the money in the world can never compensate for a child living in fear for making me cry for 365 days of the year for each of my 18 years in care for a lacerated heart and wiping the smile of my face for the deep scars I carry for life and the deliberate abuse I am lost for words to describe the hell a young boy had to face the lack of care was beyond a disgrace there really is no excuse when you add it all up the true cost of my life in care was way too much for a sweet soul to bear that's released a lot of shit you know how does it make you feel ridden of that make me feel angry make me feel sad make me feel like if they were in front of me I would just line them all up now and sit them down and just give them a piece of my mind I wouldn't do anything bad to them physically but I would sit them all down for at least an hour and just tell them how they made me feel I was innocent I was young, I was a child you are my carers and that is your duty as a human being to plant seeds in me of happiness and growth and prosperity but all you did is degradation put me down treat me terrible and spit on my soul and my heart for 365 days of each year for 18 years there was no love no care, no kindness, no consideration no thoughtfulness they made me sad and today is the ripples of them of that I have to carry and live and that's why I very rarely smile I cry all the time and they shouldn't do that they shouldn't do that and that's what I would say to them how does it feel coming here and telling your story today well, to be honest with you if it was years ago I would have been nervous I would have been a little bit apprehensive but there's that thing called post-traumatic growth not post-traumatic stress post-traumatic growth which means from heartache and struggle you grow, you learn this is nothing compared to what I've been through who am I to come here and be scared who am I to be scared of talking about what happened to me I can go anywhere in the world and not be scared because I've been scared most of my life I'm traumatised from worse than this what is this? if I go on stage and do a public speaking and I fall I'm not scared because I've been worse than this so post-traumatic growth I've grown and this is nothing it's something beautiful but it doesn't scare me for over 60 years you say you've failed and all you've felt is pain and you stop praying you stop believing you gave up hope you've stopped with your faith but this week something's changed how does that make you feel can you enjoy that do you think people are up to something no, I see what it is I see it's love yesterday I'm sitting at home yeah window open 10 o'clock I hear Peter, Peter, Peter outside my house I go and look out there's two angels two ladies Peter we have some food for you come down they got a bag of food for me they gave me a little money they said we saw your TikTok we worked out where you live I said how's that because where I live in the window the buses go up and down I've got an Eiffel tower colourful with all different colours everybody looks up and says wow it's on the video three people have come to my house where I live, it's happened three days in a row Peter, Peter, Peter, people bring food and money outside my house so when I posted it it wasn't to be famous it wasn't to get a reaction so when I woke up three days later because I didn't go on it and I see the reaction I was blown away my friend said Peter over a million and a half people have seen that really? so when I leave here and go home I've got 98 parcels that open and I don't know what's in there and as I say now you've got a lot of people backing now you've got a lot of people looking to your story for inspiration does it scare you that people are then looking for answers for you? I can give nobody answers I can just tell my story and if people want to take something from there which they are doing I can give no answers to nobody I'm not a philosopher I'm not no scientist I'm not no scholar I'm a scholar of hard knocks I'm a scholar of adversity very few people will go for that kind of adversity they're so young that traumatise how did he get through that how did you get through that I can give them advice but if they want to look up to me or get something from me fine whether it's satan and the struggle just know Peter what advice would you have for them if you're struggling now you've got to find a way to deal with that struggle if it's going for a walk if it's going for a swim if it's doing some painting if it's doing meditating if it's doing crying and the only way you're going to get over that pain I'm afraid is to feel every bit of it sad is to cry is to be lonely is to be in despair because one day you'll come through it and the sun will shine so I'm afraid you know it's part of life the pain you can't have a rainbow we've had a little bit of rain and where can people get a hold of you Peter in just in case they want to get in touch ask your questions I know you've got your tech talk well well right now this is what people are saying now I would like to do what do you call it you can do open finger I may do some open on the tech talk you can speak to people I don't know what it's called yeah you can do lives I'm trying this is why I'm trying the head right I want to do because I want to give what's your name on tech talk my tech talk is Peter Woods Peter Woods one or something yeah well you can tell people yeah I'll leave it in the description yeah I would like to support in every way possible and if there's any children from the care home or have come out of the care home who are lost please contact me and I can only give you advice or give you some encouragement you know but you've seen where I come from of course it's going to be hard but I understand your journey so you talk to someone who can emphasize and who's walked in your shoes so and knowing that anybody else who's going for anything you can talk to me because I mean if I'm an expert in anything it's trauma and it's adversity and look what I've overcome and so there are ways that I've overcome it and learned and I can help the best I can it's all I can do but I would like to support as people follow me and people just just supported me in any way they can because my biggest dream is to get my books done and I'm going to do a GoFundMe page or something like that because these books need to be done not only for my purpose but they're telling a story that is very rarely told a story of children in care in their 60s and 70s and I want to tell that because I want the world to know some of it is still going on now and it really shouldn't How did you overcome it, Peter? By going through it Forgiveness Have you forgiven? Or is that too tough? I always believe you've got to forgive to heal but I've never been through that extent so I can't really give that But who am I forgiving? Your abusers the people who's left you I don't think about them but how did you overcome it? For anybody that's watched What? I'm thinking about them by concentrating on myself if I'm going to think about the man who abused me the only thing I'm going to think about is killing him and do I really want to think about all that killing somebody? No So what I'm going to think about is how can I heal or how can I distract myself so I go to the gym and I do that and now I start writing and I do that or I go for a nice long walk so I surround myself with friends or a dog or a cat which I don't have I wish I did or a bird or whatever or I go on holiday my thing is going on holiday but when I go on holiday I don't go for a week I like to go for a year Yeah You know Would you like to finish up on anything? No I have enjoyed it I hope I didn't I come over okay I don't know That's all do well Peter so it's all just down to you how you write that we have after it and doors well open but it's just down to you what ones you want to walk through Well I mean all I say is I'm looking for an opportunity to do something with what I've been through if it's helping the children or if it's the book or the podcast or I'd like to do public speaking so if anybody wants to hire me or whatever that would be wonderful for me because it would give me a it would give me a purpose and it would give me joy to go on the stage I'm not sure if I'd be good at it but I would just like to have a proper job have a proper job Yeah I never had a proper job Go for it Peter a lesson for coming on the day It's been a pleasure telling your story I've thoroughly enjoyed that I wish y'all the best for the future Go and get your dreams and keep speaking the truth My brother Thank you sir