 CHAPTER 24 FUNERALS At no time does solemnity so possess our souls, as when we stand deserted at the brink of darkness into which our loved one has gone, and the last place in the world where we would look for comfort at such a time is in the seeming artificiality of etiquette, yet it is in the moment of deepest sorrow that etiquette performs its most vital and real service. All set rules for social observance have for their object the smoothing of personal contacts, and in nothing is smoothness so necessary as in observing the solemn rites accorded our dead. It is the time-worn servitor, etiquette, who draws the shades, who muffles the bell, who keeps the house quiet, who hushes voices and footsteps and sudden noises, who stands between well-meaning and important outsiders, and the retirement of the bereaved, who decrees that the last rites shall be performed smoothly and with beauty and gravity, so that the poignancy of grief may, insofar as possible, be assuaged. First Details As soon as death occurs, someone, the trained nurse usually, draws the blinds in the sick room and tells a servant to draw all the blinds of the house. If they are not already present, the first act of someone at the bedside is to telephone or telegraph the immediate members of the family, the clergymen, and the sexton of the church to which the family belong, and possibly one or two closest friends whose competence and sympathy can be counted on, as there are many things which must be done for the stricken family as well as for the deceased. The sexton of nearly every Protestant church is also undertaker. If he is not, then an outside funeral director is sent for. If the illness has been a long one, it may be that the family has become attached to the trained nurse, and no one is better fitted than she to turn her ministrations from the one whom she can no longer help, to those who have now very real need of just such care as she can give. If the death was sudden, or the nurse unsympathetic or for other reasons unavailable, then a relative or near friend of practical sympathy is the ideal attendant in charge. Consideration for the family No one should ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is a great solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from anyone or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be of use nor be received. At such a time, to some people, companionship is a comfort. Others shrink from dearest friends. One who is by choice or accident selected to come in contact with those in new affliction should, like a trained nurse, banish all consciousness of self, otherwise he or she will be of no service, and service is the only gift of value that can be offered. First aid to the bereaved First of all the ones in sorrow should be urged, if possible, to sit in a sunny room and where there is an open fire. If they feel unequal to going to the table, a very little food should be taken to them on a tray. A cup of tea or coffee or bouillon. A little thin toast. A poached egg. Milk, if they like it hot, or milk toast. Cold milk is bad for one who is already over-chilled. The cook may suggest something that usually appeals to their taste, but very little should be offered at a time. For although the stomach may be empty, the palate rejects the thought of food, and digestion is never in best order. It sounds paradoxical to say that those in sorrow should be protected from all contacts, and yet that they must be constantly asked about arrangements, and given little time to remain utterly undisturbed. They must think of people they want sent for, they must decide the details of the funeral, when they would like it held, and whether in church or at the house, whether they want special music or flowers ordered, and where the internment is to be. On duty at door A friend or servant is always stationed in the hall to open the door, receive notes and cards, and to take messages. In a big house the butler in his day-clothes should answer the bell, with the parlor maid to assist him, until a footman can procure a black livery and take his or her place. A parlor maid or waitress at the door should wear either a black or gray dress, with her plainest white apron, collar, and cuffs. Member of family in charge A close friend or male member of the family should be, if not at the door, as near the front hall as possible, to see the countless people with whom details have to be arranged, to admit to a member of the family anyone they may want to see, and to give news to or take messages from others. As people come to the house to inquire and offer their services, he gives them commissions the occasion requires. The first friend who hurries to the house, in answer to the telephone message which announced the death, is asked to break the news to an invalid connection of the family, or he may be sent to the florist to order the bell hung, or to the station to meet a child arriving from school. Notice to papers The sexton, or other funeral director, sends the notices to the daily papers announcing the death, and the time and place of the funeral. The form is generally selected by a member of the family from among those appearing in that day's newspapers. These notices are paid for by the sexton and put on his bill. With the exception of the telephone messages or telegrams to relatives and very intimate friends, no other notices are sent out. Only those persons who are expected to go to the house at once have messages sent to them. All others are supposed to read the notice in the papers. When the notice reads Funeral Private, and neither place nor time is given, very intimate friends are supposed to ask for these details at the house. Others understand they are not expected. Hanging the Bell As a rule the funeral director hangs crepe streamers on the bell, white ones for a child, black and white for a young person, or black for an older person. This signifies to the passer-by that it is a house of mourning, so that the bell will not be rung unnecessarily nor long. If they prefer, the family sometimes orders a florist to hang a bunch of violets or other purple flowers on black ribbon streamers for a grown person, or white violets, white carnations, any white flower without leaves, on the black ribbon for a young woman or man, or white flowers on white gauze or ribbon for a child. Checking Expenses in Advance It is curious that long association with the sadness of death seems to have deprived an occasional funeral director of all sense of moderation. Whether the temptation of good business gradually undermines his character, knowing as he does that bereaved families ask no questions, or whether his profession is merely devoid of taste, he will, if not checked, bring the most ornate and expensive casket in his establishment. He will perform every right that his professional ingenuity for expenditure can devise. He will employ every attendant he has, he will order vehicles numerous enough for the cortege of a president. He will even, if thrown in contact with a bewildered chief mourner, secure a pledge for the erection of an elaborate mausoleum. Someone, therefore, who has the family's interest at heart and knows their taste and purse, should go personally to the establishment of the undertaker, and not only select the coffin, but go carefully into the specifications of all other details, so that everything necessary may be arranged for and unnecessary items omitted. This does not imply that a family that prefers a very elaborate funeral should not be allowed to have one, but the great majority of people have moderate rather than unlimited means, and it is not unheard of that a small estate is seriously depleted by vulgarly lavish and entirely inappropriate funeral expenses. One would be a poor sort who, for the sake of friends, would not willingly endure a little troublesome inquiry, rather than witness a display of splurge and bad taste, and realize at the same time that the friends who might have been protected will be deluged with bills which it cannot but embarrass them to pay. Honorary Paul Bearers The member of the family who is in charge will ask either when they come to the house, or by telephone or telegraph if they are at a distance, six or eight men who are close friends of the deceased to be the Paul Bearers. When a man has been prominent in public life, he may have twelve or more from among his political or business associates, as well as his lifelong social friends. Near relatives are never chosen, as their place is with the women of the family. For a young woman, her own friends, or those of her family are chosen. It is a service that may not, under any circumstances, except serious ill health, be refused. The one in charge will tell the Paul Bearers where they are to meet. It used to be customary for them to go to the house on the morning of the funeral and drive to the church behind the hearse. But as everything tending to a conspicuous procession is being gradually done away with, it is often preferred to have them wait in the vestibule of the church. Honorary Paul Bearers serve only at church funerals. They do not carry the coffin, for the reason that, being unaccustomed to bearing such a burden, one of them might possibly stumble, or at least give an impression of uncertainty or awkwardness that might detract from the solemnity of the occasion. The sextant's assistants are trained for this service, so as to prevent, insofar as is humanly possible, a blundering occurrence. Morning for Funeral Among those who come to the house there is sure to be a woman friend of the family whose taste and method of expenditure is similar to theirs. She looks through the clothes they have to see if there is not a black dress or suit that can be used, and makes a list of only the necessary articles which will have to be procured. All dressmaking establishments give precedence to morning orders, and will fill a commission within twenty-four hours. These first things are made invariably without bothering the wearer with fitting. Alterations, if required, are made later. Or, the morning departments of the big stores and specialty shops are always willing to send a selection on approval, so that a choice can be made by the family in the privacy of their own homes. Nearly always, acquaintances who are themselves in mourning offer to lend crepe veils, toques, and wraps, so that the garments which must be bought at first may be as few as possible. Most women have a plain black suit or dress, the trimming of which can quickly be replaced with crepe by a maid or a friend. Most men are of standard size and can go to a clothier and buy a ready-made black suit, otherwise they must borrow or wear what they have, as no tailor can make a suit in twenty-four hours. Sitting Up No Longer Customary Unless the deceased was a prelate, or a personage whose lying in state is a public ceremony, or unless it is the special wish of the relatives, the solemn vigil through long nights by the side of the coffin is no longer essential as a mark of veneration or love for the departed. Nor is the soulless body dressed in elaborate trappings of farewell grandeur. Everything today is done to avoid unnecessary evidence of the change that has taken place. In case of a very small funeral, the person who has passed away is sometimes left lying in bed, in nightclothes, or on a sofa in a wrapper, with flowers, but no set pieces about the room, so that an invalid or other sensitive bereft one may say farewell, without ever seeing the all-too-definite finality of a coffin. In any event, the last attentions are paid in accordance with the wish of those most nearly concerned. Extra Work for Servants Kindness of heart is latent in all of us, and servants, even if they have not been long with a family, rise to the emergency of such a time as that of a funeral, which always puts additional work upon them, and often leaves them to manage under their own initiative. The house is always full of people, family, and intimate friends occupy all available accommodation, but it is a rare household which does not give sympathy as generously below stairs as above, and he or she would be thought very heartless by their companions who did not willingly and helpfully assume a just share of the temporary tax on energy, time, and consideration. Church Funeral The church funeral is the more trying, in that the family have to leave the seclusion of their house and face a congregation. On the other hand, many who find solemnity only in a church service with the added beauty of choir and organ, prefer to take their heart-rending farewell in the house of God. Arranging and Recording Flowers An hour before the time for the service, if the family is Protestant, one or two woman friends go to the church to arrange the flowers which are placed about the chancel. Unless they have had unusual practice in such arrangement, they should, if possible, have the assistance of a florist, as effective grouping and fastening of heavy wreaths and sprays is apt to overtax the ingenuity of novices, no matter how perfect their usual taste may be. Whoever takes charge of the flowers must be sure to collect carefully all the notes and cards. They should always take extra pencils, in case the points break, and write on the outside of each envelope a description of the flowers that the card was sent with. Spray of Easter lilies and palm branches tied with white ribbon. Wreath of laurel leaves and gardenias. Long sheaf of pink roses and white lilacs. These descriptions will afterward help identify and recall the flowers when notes of thanks are sent. As the appointed time for the funeral draws near, the organ plays softly. The congregation gradually fills the church. The first pews on either side of the center aisle are left empty. The processional. At the appointed time the funeral procession forms in the vestibule. If there is to be a choral service, the minister and the choir enter the church from the rear, and precede the funeral cortege. Directly after the choir and clergy come the pallbearers, two by two, then the coffin, covered with flowers, and then the family. The chief mourner comes first, leaning upon the arm of her closest male relative. Usually each man is escort for a woman, but two women or two men may walk together according to the division of the family. If the deceased is one of four sons where there is no daughter, the mother and father walk immediately behind the body of their child, followed by the two elder sons, and behind them the younger, with the nearest woman relative. If there is a grandmother, she walks with the eldest son and the younger two follow together. If it is a family of daughters who are following their father, the eldest daughter may walk with her mother, or the mother may walk with her brother, or a son-in-law. Although the arrangement of the procession is thus fixed, those in affliction should be placed next to the one whose nearness may be of most comfort to them. A younger child who is calm and soothing would better be next to his mother than an older who is of more nervous temperament. At the funeral of a woman, her husband sometimes walks alone, but usually with his mother or his daughter. The very few intimate friends walk at the rear of the family, followed by the servants of the household. At the chancel, the choir take their accustomed places, the minister stands at the foot of the chancel steps, the honorary pall-bearers take their places in the front pews on the left, and the coffin is set upon a stand previously placed there for the purpose. The bearers of the coffin walk quietly around to inconspicuous stations on a side aisle. The family occupy the front pews in the right, and the rest of the procession fill vacant places on either side. The service is then read. The recessional Upon the conclusion of the service, the procession moves out in the same order as it came in, accepting that the choir remain in their places and the honorary pall-bearers go first. Outside the church, the coffin is put into the hearse. The family getting into carriages or motors, waiting immediately behind, and the flowers are put into a covered vehicle. It is very vulgar to fill open land-dows with displayed floral offerings and parade through the streets. Few go to the burial. If the burial is in the churchyard or otherwise within walking distance, the congregation naturally follows the family to the graveside. Otherwise, the general congregation no longer expects nor wishes to go to the internment, which, accepting it a funeral of public importance, is witnessed only by the immediate family and the most intimate friends who are asked if they care to go. The long line of carriages that used to stand at the church, ready to be filled with a long file of mere acquaintances, is a barbarous thing of the past. House Funeral Many people prefer a house funeral. It is simpler, more private, and obviates the necessity for those in sorrow to face people. The nearest relatives may stay apart in an adjoining room, or even upon the upper floor, where they can hear the service, but remain in unseen seclusion. Ladies keep their wraps on. Gentlemen wear their overcoats, or carry them on their arms, and hold their hats in their hands. Music To many people, there is a lack of solemnity in a service outside of a church, and lacking the accompaniment of the organ. It is almost impossible to introduce orchestral music that does not sound either dangerously suggestive of the gaiety of entertainment, or else thin and flat. A quartet or choral singing is beautiful and appropriate, if available. Otherwise, there is usually no music at a house funeral. House Arrangement Some authorities say that only the flowers sent by very close friends should be shown at a house funeral, and that it is ostentatious to make a display. But when people, or societies, have been kind enough to send flowers, it would certainly be wanting in appreciation, to say the least, to relegate their offerings to the backyard, or wherever it is that the cavaliers would have them hid. In a small house, where flowers would be overpowering, it is customary to insert in the death notice, it is requested that no flowers be sent, or kindly omit flowers. Arrangement for the service is usually made in the drawing room, and the coffin is placed in front of the mantel, or between the windows, but always at a distance from the door, usually on stands brought by the funeral director, who also brings enough camp chairs to fill the room without crowding. A friend, or a member of the family, collects the cards and arranges the flowers behind and at the side, and against the stands of the coffin. If there is to be a blanket, or a pall of smilaks or other leaves with or without flowers fastened to a frame, or sewed on thin material and made into a covering, it is always ordered by the family. Otherwise, the wreaths to be placed on the coffin are chosen from among those sent by the family. The service. As friends arrive, they are shown to the room where the ceremony is to be held, but they take their own places. A room must be apportioned to the minister in which to put on his vestments. At the hour set for the funeral, the immediate family, if they feel like being present, take their places in the front row of chairs. The women wear small hats or toques, and long crepe veils over their faces so that their countenances may be hidden. The minister takes his stand at the head of the coffin and reads the service. At its conclusion the coffin is carried out to the hearse, which, followed by a small number of carriages, proceeds to the cemetery. It is very rare nowadays for any but a small group of relatives and intimate men friends to go to the cemetery, and it is not thought unloving or slighting of the dead, for no women at all to be at the graveside. If any women are to be present, and the internment is to be in the ground, someone should order the grave lined with boughs and green branches, to lessen the impression of bare earth. Distant Country Funeral In the country where relatives and friends arrive by train, carriages or motors must be provided to convey them to the house or church or cemetery. If the clergyman has no conveyance of his own, he must always be sent for, and if the funeral is in a house, a room must be set apart for him in which to change his clothes. It is unusual for a family to provide a special car. Sometimes the hour of the funeral is announced in the papers as taking place on the arrival of a certain train, but everyone who attends is expected to pay his own railway fare and make, if necessary, his own arrangements for lunch. Only when the country place where the funeral is held is at a distance from town and a long drive from the railway station, a light repast of bouillon, rolls and tea and sandwiches may be spread on the dining room table. Otherwise, refreshments are never offered, except to those of the family, of course, who are staying in the house. House Restored to Order While the funeral cortege is still at the cemetery, someone who is in charge at home must see that the mourning emblem is taken off the bell, that the windows are opened, the house aired from the excessive odor of flowers and the blinds pulled up. Any furniture that has been displaced should be put back where it belongs, and unless the day is too hot, a fire should be lighted in the library or principal bedroom to make a little more cheerful the sad homecoming of the family. It is also well to prepare a little hot tea or broth and it should be brought them upon their return without their being asked if they would care for it. Those who are in great distress want no food, but if it is handed to them they will mechanically take it and something warm to start digestion and stimulate impaired circulation is what they most need. Morning A generation or two ago the regulations for mourning were definitely prescribed, definite periods according to the precise degree of relationship of the mourner. One's real feelings, whether of grief or comparative indifference, had nothing to do with the outward manifestation one was obliged in decency to show. The tendency today is towards sincerity. People do not put on black for aunts, uncles and cousins, unless there is a deep tie of affection as well as of blood. Many persons today do not believe in going into mourning at all. There are some who believe, as do the races of the East, that great love should be expressed in rejoicing in the rebirth of a beloved spirit instead of selfishly mourning their own earthly loss. But many who object to manifestations of grief find themselves impelled to wear mourning when their sorrow comes and the number of those who do not put on black is still comparatively small. Protection of mourning If you see acquaintances of yours in deepest mourning it does not occur to you to go up to them in babble, trivial topics or ask them to a dance or dinner if you pass close to them irresistible sympathy compels you merely to stop and press their hand and move on. A widow or mother in the newness of her long veil has her hard path made as little difficult as possible by everyone with whom she comes in contact no matter on what errand she may be bent. A clerk in a store will try to wait on her as quickly and as attentively as possible. Attendances avoid stopping her with long conversation that could not but torture and distress her. She meets small kindnesses at every turn which save unnecessary jars to super-sensitive nerves. Once in a great while a tactless person may have no better sense than to ask her abruptly for whom she is in mourning. Such people would not hesitate to walk over the graves in a cemetery. Unfortunately, such encounters are few. Since many people, however, dislike long-morning veils and all-crape generally it is absolutely correct to omit both if preferred and to wear an untrimmed coat and hat of plainest black with or without a veil. A word of economy In the first days of stress people sometimes give away every colored article they possess and not until later are they aware of the effort necessary to say nothing of the expense of getting an entire new wardrobe. Therefore, it is well to remember. Dresses and suits can be dyed without ripping. Any number of fabrics, all-woolens, soft silks, canton-crepe, georgette, and chiffon, die perfectly. Buttonholes have sometimes to be reworked. Snaps or hooks and eyes change to black. A bit of trimming taken off or colored with dull braid, silk, or crepe. And the clothes look every bit as well as though newly ordered. Straw hats can be painted with an easily applied stain sold in every drug and department store for the purpose. If you cannot trim hats yourself, a milliner can easily imitate or, if necessary, simplify the general outline of the trimming as it was. And a seamstress can easily cover dyed trimmings on dresses with crepe or dull silk. Also, tan shoes, nearly all footwear made of leather, can be dyed black and made to look like new by any first-class shoemaker. Morning materials Lusterless silks such as creptichin, georgette, chiffon, grosgrain, poudachois, dull-finished charmous and taffeta, and all plain woollen materials are suitable for deepest morning. Uncut velvet is as deep morning as crepe, but cut velvet is not morning at all, nor is satin or lace. The only lace permissible is a plain or hemstitched net known as footing. Fancy weaves in stockings are not morning, nor is bright jet or silver. A very perplexing decree is that clothes entirely of white are deepest morning, but the addition of a black belt or hat or gloves produces second morning. Patent leather and satin shoes are not morning. People in second morning wear all combinations of black and white as well as clothes of grey and mauve. Many of the laws for materials seem arbitrary, and people interpret them with greater freedom than they used to, but never under any circumstances can one who is not entirely in colours wear satin embroidered in silver or trimmed with jet and lace. With the exception of wearing a small string of pearls jewellery with deepest morning is never in good taste. When a veil is not worn nor should a woman ever wear a crepe veil to the theatre or restaurant or any public place of amusement. On the other hand people left long to themselves and their own thoughts grow easily morbid and the opera or concert or an interesting play may exert a beneficial relaxation. Gay restaurants with thumping, strident, musical accompaniment or entertainment of the cabaret variety need scarcely be commented upon. But to go to a matinee with a close friend or relative is becoming more and more usual and the picture theatres where one may sit in the obscurity and be diverted by the story on the silver screen which requiring no mental effort often diverts a sad mind for an hour or so is an undeniable blessing. An observer would have to be much at a loss for material who could find anything to criticise in seeing a family together under such circumstances. One generally leaves off a long veil however for such an occasion and drives bare headed a short black face veil over one's hat on entering and leaving a building in the daytime. Morning for Country Wear Except for church crepe veils and clothes heavily trimmed with crepe are not appropriate in the country ever. Morning clothes for the summer consist of plain black surge or tweed, silk or cotton material all black with white organ-dee collar and cuffs and a veilless hat with a brim or one may dress entirely in dull materials of white. A Widow's Morning A widow used never to wear any but woollen materials made as plain as possible with deep hemmed turn-back cuffs and collar of white organ-dee on the street she wore a small crepe bonnet with a little cap border of white crepe or organ-dee and a long veil of crepe or nuns veiling to the bottom edge of her skirt over her face as well as down her back. At the end of three months the front veil was put back from over her face but the long veil was worn two years at least and frequently for life. These details are identical with those prescribed today excepting that she may wear lusterless silks as well as bowl the duration of mourning may be shorter and she need never wear her veil over her face except at the funeral unless she chooses. A widow of mature years who follows old-fashioned conventions wears deep mourning with crepe veil for two years black the third year and second mourning the fourth but shorter periods of mourning and more the custom and many consider three or even two years conventional. The very young widow the young widow should wear deep crepe for a year and then lighter mourning for six months and second mourning for six months longer there is nothing more utterly captivating than a sweet young face under a widow's veil and it is not to be wondered with all that is appealing to sympathy in a man results in the healing of her heart she should however never remain in mourning for her first husband after she has decided she can be consoled by a second there is no reason why a woman or a man should not find such consolation but she should keep the intruding attraction away from her thoughts until the year of respect is up after which she is free to put on colours and make happier plans mourning worn by a mother a mother who has lost a grown child wears the same mourning as that prescribed for a widow accepting the white caprush some mothers wear mourning for their children always others do not believe in being long in black for a spirit that was young for babies or very young children wear colourless clothes of white or grey or mauve a daughter or sister a daughter or sister wears a long veil over her face at the funeral the length of the veil may be to her waist or to the hem of her skirt and it is worn for from three months to a year according to her age and feelings a older woman wears deep black for her parents, sisters and brothers for a year and then lightens her mourning during the second year a young girl if she is out in society or in college may wear a long veil for her parents or her betrothed if she wants to or she wears a thin net veil edged with crepe and the corners falling a short way of her clothes of from 14 to 18 wear black for three months and then six months of black and white they never wear veils of any sort nor are their clothes trimmed in crepe children from 8 to 14 wear black and white and grey for six months for a parent, brother, sister or grandparent young children are rarely put into mourning though their clothes are often selected to avoid vivid color they usually wear white with no black except a hair ribbon for the girls and a necktie for the boys very little children in black are too pitiful extreme fashion inappropriate fancy clothes in mourning are always offenses against good taste because as the word implies a person is in mourning to have the impression of fashion dominant is contrary to the purpose of somber dress it is a costume for the spirit a covering for the visible body of one whose soul seeks the background nothing can be in worse taste than crepe which is gathered and rushed and puffed and pleated and made into waterfalls and imitation ostrich feathers as garneting for a hat the more absolutely plain the more appropriate and dignified is the mourning dress a long veil is a shade pulled down a protection it should never be a flaunting arrangement to arrest the amazed attention of the passerby the necessity for dignity cannot be overemphasized bad taste in mourning mourning observances are all matters of fixed form and any deviation from precise convention is interpreted by the world at large as signifying want of proper feeling how often has one heard said of a young woman who was perhaps merely ignorant of the effect of her inappropriate clothes or unconventional behavior look at her and her dear father scarcely cold in his grave or little she seems to have cared for her mother and such a lovely one she had too such remarks are as thoughtless as are the actions of the daughter but they point to an undeniable condition better var not wear mourning at all saying you do not believe in it then allow your unseemly conduct to indicate indifference to the memory of a really beloved parent better that a young widow should go out in scarlet and yellow on the day after her husband's funeral then wear weeds which attract attention on account of their flaunting bad taste and flippancy one may not one must not one cannot wear the very last cry of exaggerated fashion in crepe nor may one be boisterous or flippant or sloppy in manner without giving the impression to all beholders that one's spirit is posturing, tripping or dancing on the grave of sacred memory this may seem exaggerated but if you examine the expressions you will find that they are essentially true draw the picture for yourself a slim figure, if you like held in the posture of the caterpillar slout a long length of stocking so thin as to give the effect of shaded skin above high healed slippers with sparkling buckles of bright jet a short skirt, a scrappy, thin, low neck short sleeved blouse through which white under clothing shows various edgings of lace and ribbons and on top of this a painted face under a long crepe veil yet the wearer of this costume may in nothing but appearance resemble the unmentionable class of women she suggests as a matter of fact she is very likely a perfectly decent young person and really sad at heart and her clothes and makeup not different from countless others who passed unnoticed because their colored clothing suggests no mockery of solemnity morning wear for men the necessity of business and affairs which has made withdrawal into seclusion impossible has also made it customary for the majority of men to go into mourning by the simple expedient of putting a black band on their hat or on the left sleeve of their usual clothes and wearing only white instead of colored linen a man never under any circumstances wears crepe the band on his hat is a very fine cloth and varies in width according to the degree of mourning from about two and a half inches to within half an inch on the top of a high hat on other hats the width is fixed at about two and a half or three inches the sleeve band from three and a half to four and a half inches in width is of dull broadcloth on overcoats or winter clothing and of surge on summer clothes the sleeve band of mourning is sensible for many reasons the first being that of economy women's clothes do not come successfully from the encounter with divots nor lend themselves to alterations and an entirely new wardrobe is an unwarranted burden to most except for the one black suit bought for the funeral and kept for Sunday church or other special occasion only wealthy men or widowers go to the very considerable expense of getting a new wardrobe and widowers especially if they are elderly always go into black which includes very dark grey mixtures with a deep black band on the hat and of course black ties and socks and shoes and gloves conventions of mourning for men although the etiquette is less exacting the standards of social observance are much the same for a man as for a woman a widower should not be seen at any general entertainment such as a dance or in a box at the opera for a year a son for six months a brother for three at least the length of time a father stays in mourning for a child is more a matter of his own inclination mourning livery coachmen and chauffeurs wear black liveries in town in the country they wear grey or even their ordinary whip cord with a black band on the left sleeve the house footman is always put into a black livery with dull buttons and a black and white striped waistcoat maids are not put into mourning with the exception of a ladies maid or nurse who through many years of service has become one of the family and who personally desires to wear mourning as though for a relative of her own acknowledgement of sympathy in the case of a very prominent person where messages of condolence many of them impersonal mount into the thousands the sending of engraved cards to strangers is proper such as Mr. W. de Bonds wishes gratefully to acknowledge your kind expression of sympathy or senator and Mrs. Michigan wish to express their appreciation of Miss Millicent Gilding's sympathy in their recent bereavement under no circumstances should such cards be sent to intimate friends or to those who have sent flowers or written personal letters when someone with real sympathy in his heart has taken the trouble to select and send flowers or has gone to the house and offered what service he might or has in a spirit of genuine regard written a personal letter the receipt of words composed by a stationer and dispatched by a professional secretary is exactly as though his outstretched hand had been pushed aside a family in mourning is in retirement from all social activities nor of their having no time also no one expects a long letter nor does anyone look for an early reply a personal word on a visiting card is all anyone asks for the envelope may be addressed by someone else it takes but a moment to write thank you or thank you for all your sympathy or thank you for your kind offers and sympathy or on a sheet of letter paper thank you dear Mrs. Smith for your beautiful flowers and your kind sympathy or your flowers were so beautiful thank you for them and for your loving message or thank you for your sweet letter I know you meant it and I appreciate it many many such notes can be written in a day if the list is over long received the flowers and messages is in reality so prostrated that she or he is unable to perform the task of writing then some other member of her immediate family can write for her mother or father is too ill to write and asks me to thank you for your beautiful flowers and kind message most people find a sad comfort as well as pain in the reading and replying to letters and cards but it is not too long it is up to increase rather than assuage their grief therefore no one expects more than a word but that word should be seemingly personal obligations of presence at funerals upon reading the death notice of a mere acquaintance you may leave your card at the house if you feel so inclined or you may merely send your card upon the death of an intimate acquaintance or friend you should go at once to the house write with sympathy on your card and leave it at the door or you should write a letter to the family in either case you send flowers addressed to the nearest relative on the card accompanying the flowers you write with sympathy with deepest sympathy or with heartfelt sympathy when there is a notice in the papers requesting no flowers be sent you send them only if you are a very intimate friend or if you prefer send a few flowers with a note immediately after the funeral to the member of the family who is particularly your friend if the notice says funeral private you do not go unless you have received a message that you know you are expected without being asked where a general notice is published in the paper it is proper and fitting that you should show sympathy by going to the funeral even though you had little more than a visiting acquaintance with the family you should not leave cards nor go to a funeral of a person with whom you have not in any way been associated or to whose house you have never been asked but it is heartless and delinquent if you do not go to the funeral of one with whom you were associated in business or other interests or to whose house you were often invited or where you are a friend of the immediate members of the family you should wear black clothes if you have them or if not the darkest the least conspicuous you possess enter the church as quietly as possible and as there are no ushers at a funeral seat yourself where you approximately belong only a very intimate friend should take a position far up in the centre isle if you are merely an acquaintance you should sit inconspicuously in the rear somewhere unless the funeral is very small and the church big in which case you may sit on the end seat of the centre isle toward the back End of Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Part 1 of Etiquette This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org This reading by Kara Schellenberg Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 25 The Country House and Its Hospitality Part 1 The difference between the Great House with twenty to fifty guest rooms all numbered like the rooms in a hotel and the House of Ordinary Good Size with from four to six guest rooms or the Farm House or Small Cottage which has but one best spare chamber with perhaps a man's room on the ground floor is much the same as the difference between the elaborate wedding and the simplest one merely of degree and not of kind To be sure in the Great House weekend guests often include those who are little more than acquaintances of the host and hostess whereas the visitor occupying the only spare room is practically always an intimate friend accepting therefore that people who have few visitors never ask anyone on their general list and that those who fill an enormous house necessarily do the etiquette, manners, guest room appointments and the people who occupy them are precisely the same Popular opinion to the contrary a man's social position is by no means proportionate to the size of his house and even though he lives in a bungalow he may have every bit as high a position in the world of fashion as his rich neighbor in his palace often much better we all of us know a Mr. Newgold who would give many of the treasures in his marble palace for a single invitation to Mrs. Oldname's comparatively little house and half of all he possesses for the latter's knowledge appearance, manner, instincts and position none of which he himself is likely ever to acquire though his children may but in our description of great or medium houses we are considering those only whose owners belong equally to best society and where though luxuries vary from the greatest to the least house appointments are in essentials alike this is a rather noteworthy fact all people of good position talk alike behave alike and live alike ill mannered servants incorrect liveries or service sloppily dished food carelessness in any of the details that to well-bred people constitute the decencies of living are no more tolerated in the smallest cottage than in the palace but since the biggest houses are those which naturally attract most attention suppose we begin our detailed description with them house party of many guests perhaps there are ten or perhaps there are forty guests but if there were only two or three and the house a little instead of a big one the details would be precisely the same a weekend means from Friday afternoon or from Saturday lunch to Monday morning the usual time chosen for a house party is over a holiday particularly where the holiday falls on a Friday or Monday so that the men can take a Saturday off and stay from Friday to Tuesday or Thursday to Monday on whichever day the party begins everyone arrives in the neighborhood of five o'clock or a day later at lunchtime many come in their own cars the others are met at the station sometimes by the host or a son or if it is to be a young party by a daughter the hostess herself rarely if ever goes to the station not because of indifference or discartacy but because other guests coming by motor it is very rude for a hostess to be out when her guests arrive even someone who comes so often as to be entirely at home is apt to feel dispirited upon being shown into an empty house sometimes a guest's arrival unwelcomed cannot be avoided if for instance a man invited for tennis week or a football or baseball game arrives before the game is over but too late to join the others at the sport when younger people come to visit the daughters it is not necessary that their mothers stay at home since the daughters take their mothers place nor is it necessary that she receive the men friends of her son unless the latter for some unavoidable reason is absent no hostess must ever fail to send a car to the station or boat landing for everyone who is expected if she has not conveyance as enough of her own she must order public ones and have the fares charged to herself greeting of the host the host always goes out into the front hall and shakes hands with everyone who arrives he asks the guests if they want to be shown to their rooms and if not sees that the gentlemen who come without ballots give their keys to the butler or footman and that the ladies without maids of their own give theirs to the maid who is on duty for the purpose should any of them feel dusty or otherwise untidy they naturally ask if they may be shown to their rooms so that they can make themselves presentable they should not however linger longer than necessary as their hostess may become uneasy at their delay ladies do not in fashionable houses make their first appearance without a hat gentlemen needless to say leave theirs in the hall when they come in travel in the present day however whether in parlor car or closed limousines or even in open cars on macadam roads obviates the necessity for an immediate removing of travel stains so that instead of seeking their rooms the newcomers usually go directly into the library or out on the veranda or wherever the hostess is to be found behind the inevitable tea tray greeting of the hostess as soon as her guests appear in the doorway the hostess at once rises goes forward smiling shakes hands and tells them how glad she is that they have safely come or how glad she is to see them and leads the way to the tea table this is one of the occasions when everyone is always introduced good manners also demand that the places nearest the hostess be vacated by those occupying them and that the newly arrived receive attention from the hostess who sees that they are supplied with tea sandwiches, cakes and whatever the tea table affords after tea people either sit around and talk or more likely nowadays they play bridge about an hour before dinner the hostess asks how long everyone needs to dress and tells them the time if any need a shorter time then she must allow for herself she makes sure that they know the location of their rooms and goes to dress a room for every guest it is almost unnecessary to say that a no well appointed house is a guest except under three circumstances put in a room with anyone else the three exceptions are one a man and wife if the hostess is sure beyond a doubt that they occupy similar quarters when at home two two young girls who are friends and have volunteered because the house is crowded to room together in a room with two beds three on an occasion such as a wedding a ball or an intercollegiate athletic event young people don't mind for one night that is spent for the greater part up how many are doubled and house room is limited merely to cot space sofas and even the billiard table but she would be a very clumsy hostess who, for a weekend filled her house like a sardine box to the discomfort and resentment of everyone in the well appointed house every guest room has a bath adjoining for itself alone or shared with a connecting room and used only by a man and wife two women or two men a bathroom should never if avoidable be shared by a woman and a man a suitable accommodation for a man and wife is a double room with bath and a single room next the guest room the perfect guest room is not necessarily a vast chamber decorated in a compact period its perfection is the result of nothing more difficult to attain than pains taking attention to detail and its possession is within the reach of every woman who has the means to invite people to her house in the first place the ideal guest room is never found except in the house of the ideal hostess and it is by no means idle talk to suggest that every hostess be obliged to spend 24 hours every now and then in a room that is set apart for visitors if she does not do this actually she should do so in imagination she should occasionally go into the guest bathroom and draw the water in every fixture to see there is no stoppage and that the hot water faucets are not seemingly jokes of the plumber if a man is to occupy the bathroom she must see that the hook for a razor-strop is not missing and that there is a mirror by which he can see to shave both at night and by daylight even though she can see to powder her nose it would be safer to make her husband bathe and shave both a morning and an evening in each bathroom and then listen carefully to what he says about it even though she has a perfect house made it is not unwise occasionally to make sure herself that every detail has been attended to that in every bathroom there are plenty of bath towels face towels a freshly laundered wash rag bath mat a new cake of unscented bath soap in the bathtub soap rack and a new cake of scented soap on the wash stand it is not expected but it is often very nice to find violet water bath salts listerine, talcum powder almond or other hand or sunburn lotion cover the dressing table in the bedroom with brushes and an array of toilet articles is more of a nuisance than a comfort a good clothes brush and whisk broom are usually very acceptable as strangely enough guests almost invariably forget them a comforting adjunct to a bathroom that is given to a woman is a hot water bottle with a woolen cover hanging on the back of the door while the water does not run sufficiently hot a guest seldom hesitates to ring for that whereas no one ever likes to ask for a hot water bag no matter how much she might long for it a small bottle of pyro is also convenient for one who brings a curling lamp in the bedroom the hostess should make sure by sleeping in it at least once that the bed is comfortable that the sheets are long enough to tuck in there are enough pillows for one who sleeps with head high there must also be plenty of covers besides the blankets there should be a wool filled or an iderdown quilt in coloring to go with the room there should be a night light at the head of the bed not just a decorative glow worm effect but a light that is really good to lie in bed and read by and always there should be books chosen more to divert than to engross a collection appropriate for a guest room might best comprise two or three books of the moment a light novel a book of essays another of short stories and a few of the latest magazines spare room books ought to be especially chosen for the expected guest even though one cannot choose accurately for the taste of another one can at least guess whether the visitor is likely to prefer transcendental philosophy or detective stories either accordingly there should be a candle and a box of matches even though there is electric light it has been known to go out and some people like to burn a candle all night there must also be matches and ash receivers on the desk and a scrap basket beside it in hot weather every guest should have a palm leaf fan and in August even though there are screens a fly killer there should be a lot of light and often bathing suits otherwise dressing gowns are not part of any guest room equipment a comfortable sofa is very important if the room is big enough with a sofa pillow or two and with a lightweight quilt or afghan across the end of it the hostess should do her own hair in each room to see if the dressing table is placed where there is a good light over it both by electric and by daylight where massive furniture and low windows make the daylight dressing table difficult is the european custom of putting an ordinary small table directly in the window and standing a good sized mirror on it nothing makes a more perfect arrangement for a woman and the pin cushion it is more than necessary to see that the pins are usable and not rust to the head there should be black ones and white ones long and short ones in several sizes three or four threaded needles of white thread black, grey and tan silk are an addition that has proved many times welcome she must also examine the writing desk to be sure that the ink is not a cracked patch of black dust at the bottom of the well and the pens solid rust and the writing paper textures and sizes at odds with the envelopes there should be a fresh blotter and a few stamps also thoughtful hostesses put a card in some convenient place giving the post office schedule and saying where the mail bag can be found and a calendar and a clock that goes is there anything more typical of the average spare room than the clock that is at a stand still there must be plenty of clothes hangers in the closets for the women a few hat stands water hangers and the coat hangers that have a bar across the shoulder piece it is unnecessary to add that every bureau drawer should be looked into to see that nothing belonging to the family is filling the space which should belong to the guest and that the white paper lining the bottom is new curtains and sofa pillows must of course be freshly laundered the furniture floor walls and ceiling unmarred houses they should be on cords and hung at the side of the bed light switches should be placed at the side of the door going into the room and bathroom it is scarcely practical to change the wiring in old houses but it can at least be seen that the bells work people who like strong perfumes often mistakenly think they are giving pleasure in filling all the bedroom drawers with pads heavily scented instead of feeling pleasure but all people hey fever patients accepted love flowers and vases of them beautify rooms as nothing else can even a shabby little room if dustlessly clean and filled with flowers loses all effect of shabbiness and is inviting instead in a hunting country there should be a boot jack and boot hooks in the closet guest rooms should have shutters and dark shades in the kitchen the rooms should also if possible be away from the kitchen end of the house and the nursery a shortcoming in many houses is the lack of a newspaper and the thoughtful hostess who has the morning paper sent up with each breakfast tray or has one put at each place on the breakfast table deserves a halo at night a glass and a thermos picture a tray of food is also put on the bed table fruit or milk and sandwiches or whatever is marked on the guest card the guest card a clever device was invented by mrs. gilding who's palatially appointed house is run with the most painstaking attention to everyone's comfort on the dressing table in each spare room at golden hall is a card pad used a specimen is given below needless to say the cards are used only in huge houses that because of their size are necessarily run more like a clubhouse than as a home in every house the questions below are asked by the hostess though the guests may not readily perceive the fact at bedtime she always asks would you like to come down to breakfast she is then asked what she would like to eat she is also asked whether she cares for milk or fruit or other light refreshment at bedtime and if there is a special book she would like to take up to her room the guest card mentioned above is as follows please fill this out before going down to dinner what time do you want to be awakened or will you ring or down underscore your order coffee tea chocolate milk oatmeal hominy shredded wheat eggs how cooked rolls muffins toast orange pear grapes melon at bedtime will you take jade sandwiches meat lettuce jam cake crackers oranges, apples, pears, grapes besides this list there is a catalog of the library with a card clipped to the cover saying following books for room number X then four or six blank lines and a place for the guests signature at the dinner hour it is possible and the procedure is exactly that of all dinners if it is a big party the gentleman offer their arms to the ladies the host or hostess has designated at the end of the evening it is the custom that the hostess suggest going upstairs rather than the guests who ordinarily depart after dinner but etiquette is not very strictly followed in this and a reasonable time after dinner if anyone is especially tired I wonder if you would mind very much if I went to bed the hostess always answers why no certainly not I hope you will find everything in your room if not will you ring it is not customary for the hostess to go upstairs with a guest so long as others remain in her drawing room if there is only one lady or a young girl the hostess accompanies her to her room and asks if everything has been thought of for her comfort while guests are asked and received many older ladies adhere to former practice and always write personal notes of invitation all others write or telegraph to people at a distance and send telephone messages to those nearby when a house is to be filled with friends of daughters or sons of the house the young people in the habit of coming to the house or not do not need any invitation further than one given them verbally by a daughter or even a son but a married couple or a young girl invited for the first time should have the verbal invitation of daughter or son seconded by a note or at least a telephone message sent by the mother herself everyone is always asked for a specific time even a near relative comes selected this is because other plans have to be made by the owners of the house such as inviting another group of guests or preparing to go away themselves who are asked on house parties accepting when strangers bring influential letters of introduction or when a relative or very intimate friend recently married is invited with her new husband or his bride only very large is not an intimate friend at least 70% of American house parties are young people either single or not long married and in any event all those asked to any one party unless the hostess is a failure or a genius belong to the same social group perhaps a more broad minded attitude prevails among young people in other parts of the country but willfully narrow minded this young New York is very chary of accepting an invitation until she finds out who among her particular friends are also invited if Mrs. Stranger asks her for a weekend no matter how much she may like Mrs. Stranger personally she at once telephones two or three of her own group if some of them are going she accepts with pleasure but if not the chances are she regrets if on the other hand she is asked by the gildings she accepts at once not merely because Golden Hall is the ultimate in luxury but because Mrs. Gilding has a gift for entertaining including her selection of people amounting to genius on the other hand Miss Young New York would accept with equal alacrity the invitation of the Jack Little Houses where there is no luxury at all here in fact a guest is quite as likely as not to be pressed into service as auxiliary nurse, gardener or chauffeur but the personality of the host and hostess is such that there is scarcely a day in the week when the motors of the most popular of the younger set are not parked at the little house door people we love to stay with we enjoy staying with certain people usually for one of two reasons there are wonderful luxurious houses filled with amusing people and visiting them is a period crammed with continuous and delightful experience even though such a visit has little that suggests any personal intercourse or friendship with one's hostess the other reason we love to visit a certain house is on the contrary entirely personal to the host or hostess we love the house because we love its owner nowhere do we feel so much at home and though it may have none of the imposing magnificence of the great house it is often far more charming five flunkies cannot do more towards a guest's comfort than to take his hat and stick and to show him the way to the drawing room a very smart young New Yorker who is also something of a wag says that when going to a very magnificent house he always tries to wear sufficient articles so that he shall have one to bestow upon each footman someone saw him upon entering a palace that is a counterpart of the worldlies quite solemnly hand his hat to the first footman his stick to the second his coat to the third his muffler to the fourth his gloves to the fifth and his name to the sixth as he entered the drawing room needless to say he did this as a matter of course six men's servants or more do add to the impressiveness of a house that is a palace and are a fitting part of the picture and yet a neat maid servant at the door can divest a guest of his hat and coat and lead the way to the sitting room with equal facility having several times mentioned Golden Hall the palatial country house of the gildings suppose we join the guests and lavish hospitality is Golden Hall is not an imaginary place except in name it exists within a hundred miles of New York the house is a palace the grounds are a park there is not only a long wing of magnificent guest rooms in the house occupied by young girls or important older people but there is also a guest annex a separate building of this luxurious country club the second floor has nothing but bedrooms with bath for each the third floor has bachelor rooms and rooms for visiting mallets visiting maids are put in a separate third floor wing on the ground floor there is a small breakfast room a large living room filled with books, magazines a billiard and pool table beyond the living room and beyond that a huge white marble glass walled the swimming pool is fifty feet by one hundred on three sides is just a narrow shelf like walkway but the fourth is wide and is furnished as a room with lounging chairs upholstered in white oil cloth opening out of this are perfectly equipped Turkish and Russian baths and masseuse procurable in the same building are two squash courts a racket court a tennis court and a bowling alley but the feature of the guest building is a glass roofed and enclosed riding ring not big enough for games of polo but big enough for practice in winter built along one entire side of it the stables are full of polo ponies and hunters the boat house has every sort of boat sail boats nap the launches a motor boat and even a shell every amusement is open heartedly offered in fact especially devised for the guests at the main house there is a ballroom with a stage at one end an orchestra plays every night new moving pictures are shown and vaudeville talent is imported from New York this is the extreme of luxury and entertaining as Mrs. Toplofty said at the end of a bewilderingly lavish party how are any of us ever going to amuse anyone after this I feel like doing my guest rooms up in moth balls no one however has discovered that invitations to Mrs. Toplofty's are any less welcome besides excitement loving youth and exercise devotees were never favoured guests at the Hudson Manor anyway the small house of perfection it matters not in the slightest whether the guest rooms carpet is aubis on or rag whether the furniture is antique or modern so long as it is pleasing of its kind on the other hand because a house is little is no reason that it cannot be as perfect in every detail perhaps more so as the palace of the multiest millionaire the attributes of the perfect house cannot be better represented than by Brooke Meadows Farm the all the year home of the old names nor can anything better illustrate its perfection than an incident that actually took place there a great friend of the old names but not a man who went at all into society or considered whether people had position or not was invited with his new wife a woman from another state and of much wealth and discernment to stay over a weekend at Brooke Meadows never having met the old names she asked something about their house and life in order to decide what type of clothes to pack oh it's just a little farmhouse old name wears a dinner coat his wife wears I don't know what but I have never seen her dressed up a bit evidently playing people thought his wife and allowed I wonder what evening dress I have that is high enough I can put in the black lace day dress perhaps I had better put in my serice satin the serice asked her husband is that the red you had on the other night it is much too handsome much old name never wears a dress that you could notice she always looks like a lady but she isn't a dressy sort of person at all so the bride packed her plainest that is her cheapest clothes but at the last she put in the serice when she and her husband arrived at the railroad station that at least was primitive enough and Mr. old name in much worn tweeds might have come from a castle or a cabin country clothes are no evidence but her practised eye noticed the perfect cut of the chauffeur's coat and that the car though of an inexpensive make was one of the prettiest on the market and beautifully appointed at least they have good taste in motors and accessories thought she and was glad she had brought her best evening dress they drove up to a low white shingled house at the end of an old fashioned brick walk bordered with flowers the visitor noticed that the flowers were all of one colour all in perfect bloom she knew no inexperienced gardener had produced that apparently simple approach to a door that has been chosen as a frontispiece in more than one book on colonial architecture the door was opened by a maid in a silver grey taffeted dress with organ-de-collar cuffs and apron, white stockings and silver buckles on black slippers and the guest saw a quaint hall and vista of rooms that at first sight might easily be thought simple by an inexpert appraiser but Mrs. Oldname who came forward to greet her guests was the antithesis of everything the bride's husband had led her to believe to describe Mrs. Oldname as simple is about as apt as to call a pearl simple because it doesn't dazzle nor was there an article in the apparently simple living room that would be refused where it offered to a museum the tea table was Chinese Chippendale and set with old spode on a lacquered tray over a mosaic embroidered linen tea cloth the soda biscuits and cakes were light as froth the tea and a special blend imported by a prominent connoisseur and given every Christmas to his friends there were three other guests besides the bride and groom a united state senator and a diplomat and his wife who were on their way from a post in Europe to one in South America instead of bridge there was conversation on international topics until it was time to dress for dinner when the bride went to her room which adjoined that of her husband she found her bath drawn her clothes laid out and the dressing table lights lighted that night the bride wore her serice dress to one of the smartest dinners she ever went down to and when they went upstairs and she at last saw her husband alone she took him to task why in the name of goodness didn't you tell me the truth about these people oh said he abashed I told you it was a little house it was you who insisted on bringing that red dress I told you it was too handsome handsome she cried in tears I don't own anything half good enough to compare with the least article in this house that simple little woman as you call her would I think almost make a queen seem provincial and as for her clothes they are priceless just as everything is in this little gem of a house why the window curtains are as fine as the best clothes in my true so the two houses contrasted above are two extremes but each a luxury the old names expenditure though in no way comparable with the world these are the gildings is far beyond any purse that can be called moderate the really moderate purse inevitably precludes a woman from playing an important role as hostess for not even the greatest magnetism and charm the lack of essential comfort the only exceptions are a bungalow at the seashore or a camp in the woods where a confirmed luxury lover is desperately uncomfortable for the first 24 hours but invariably gets used to the lack of comfort almost as soon as he gets dependent upon it and plunging into a lake for a bath or washing in a little tin basin sleeping on pine boughs without any sheets at all eating tinned foods and flapjacks on tin plates with tin utensils he seems to lack nothing when the air is like champagne and the company first choice End of Chapter 25 Part 1 Read by Kara Schallenberg www.kray.org on April 16th 2007 in Oceanside, California