 In a late night tweet, Donald Trump said Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired from celebrity apprentice because he did a lousy job and deserved to be axed. Arnold responded by saying he'd like to smash Donald Trump's head down onto a table. I don't know about you but I hate orange on orange violence. It's 3 a.m. Tuesday, March 7th, 2017. We have a lot of show so let's get right to it. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanshow.com. On today's program, Judy Gold, podcasting legends Keith and the girl are celebrating their 12th anniversary today. Their podcast is 12 years old today. We celebrate with them and novelist, screenwriter, comedy writer, Jerry Stahl. This is the David Feldman Radio Network. Coming up on our show, we're going to talk about Attorney General Jeff Sessions and whether, okay, I'm sorry, I have to take this call. That's my mother. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? It's my mother. Hang on for one second. Hello? Hello? Hello? Ma? Hello? Hello? Hello? I'm doing my show. Hello? A show? Hello? I'm taping my podcast. Hello? Is everything okay? Where am I going to see the podcast? Okay, is everything okay, Ma? Well, is everything okay? All the ladies now know about the divorce. Oh, Jesus. I'm trying to talk. I don't know what am I supposed to say to them. What am I supposed to say? None of their kids have gotten divorces, not one. And I'm sitting there. I'm trying to talk, okay? I don't know how you could get a divorce. I just don't understand. Your sister didn't have to get a divorce. She's not married. No one in our family has gotten a divorce. And I'm at the end of my life. You're neither. And this is, would you go to him? Will you please listen to me? Would you please listen to me? I'm sorry. She has a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend? Who? Who has a boyfriend? You know who I'm talking about. Does she have a boyfriend? Who? Who are you talking to? Who is she? My daughter-in-law. Your ex-daughter-in-law? My daughter-in-law. Does she have a boyfriend? Does she have a boyfriend? Does she? I don't know. Well, that's what's going around. That's what's going around. She has a boyfriend. I don't want you to shut up. I have the cleaning lady here and I'm watching. So why don't you just uh, first of all, we have all this stuff going on in the United States of America and all anyone here can talk about is David's divorce. And I cannot take it anymore. I cannot take it anymore. I can't hear you well. I can't stand it. It is so goddamn embarrassing. It is embarrassing that everyone here, everyone, everyone in this community, all they can talk about is David's divorce. How he can't hold anything together. What the hell did you do to her? What did you do to her? I didn't do- people grow apart, ma. You know. Well, as everyone says, daddy- I don't mention daddy. I'm going to go outside. I'm sorry. And that's all they talk about. And I see them whispering. And I walk by, I say hello. You know, and I see it in their lips. Divorce, David. I can see when the D is on their lips. I cannot live like this. Do you have ruined my life? Ma, it's- But you have ruined my life. Okay. I, you know, with- What did you do to her? Ma, first of all, I'm in the middle of my show. What are you talking about? This is, you know, I'm the one who's going through a trauma here. Oh, you are? It's a divorce. It's a divorce. I mean, this is a tragedy. And I- I want to know what you did to make her leave. I want to know right now what you did to make her leave. I- It's- I- Is this to get back at me? Is that what you're doing? No, I- Is that what you're doing right now? We grew apart. This- that happens. Grow apart, smart, fought. You did not grow apart. No one grows apart. Okay. That is, that is a stupid excuse. How you can get married to someone and have children. And then all of a sudden, let it all go. I didn't- And coincidentally, at the same time, that I am starting to have medical issues. Isn't that- Isn't that unusual? Isn't that unusual the way the timing? I don't need this right now. First of all, I heard they're traveling. She's going to remarry. She's going to rema- Who the hell am I supposed to be able to die in peace knowing that no one is going to take care of you? The kids hate you. Your kids hate you. Everyone hates you. Who's traveling? What do you do? She has a boyfriend? I heard she has a boyfriend. They're traveling. What? They're traveling? She has a boyfriend and they're traveling. They're traveling around the world. She's going around the world. Okay, I- That's what I hear. That's what everyone's saying. Apparently, she has on some face rights, whatever it is, face time. And she puts up pictures. Pictures on the face, time of the face. Of what? She is traveling with her boyfriend. How many times do I have to- Okay, so- And I sit here. No one wants to play Margeant. No one- I can't sit. I am stuck. I am like in jail here. Because if I just went outside, that's all they want to talk about. Okay, I'm sorry. You have five children and they all hate you. Each one of them. Okay. Not one. Ma. There is no- Okay. Ma. There was not one. Now, out of five. Out of five. Okay. Who- What's the common denominator? What is the common denominator here? Okay, why? I just don't understand it. Have you spoken to Aunt Bernice? What? Have you spoken to Aunt Bernice? Aunt Bernice, have you spoken to- First of all, that's not- That was- That woman- She wasn't your sister? No, I haven't spoken to Aunt Bernice. I haven't spoken- I apologize. Okay. Well, I'm letting you know- Do you remember the housekeeper? Do you remember the housekeeper? I barely remember Aunt Bernice. The housekeeper- You barely remember? You don't remember the housekeeper? How she adored you? How she played with you? What are you talking? You don't remember the housekeeper. It was Stuyvesantown. It was basically- I don't remember Stuyvesantown. Are you kidding me? Have you been checked? Have you been checked? Checked for what? For your cognitive levels. You heard about David Cassidy. Have you not? No. David Cassidy has dementia. Really? David, stop trying to change the subject. The housekeeper she adored you. You don't remember her? I don't remember that. I- No, I don't. Charlene. Charlene, the housekeeper. Okay. You spent every day. You came home from school. You were with Charlene. Charlene, Charlene, Charlene. All you talked about was Charlene, Charlene, Charlene. And then you spent every- You don't remember the time. Do you have selective memory? Do you have selective memory? Okay, I'll call- Do you remember being married? Do you remember being married? Okay, I'll call- What do you want me- What happened? What- You want me to call Ampernese? I'll call Ampernese. What happened? What should I say? What happened? What happened? You tell me that. I- Charlene. So, what- Ampernese? What do I talk to Ampernese? What do I talk to Ampernese? But you said- Every time you say an interruption, you're always in a rush. Okay. Okay. What happened? What? I'm telling you. God damn it, David. God damn it. Will you shut the hell up? Okay. Sorry. Charlene is- She takes the train and she goes in the Bronx, as you know. She takes the train into- I don't know where the hell she was going. They were going to a show, some review, revival, you know, Motown, you know, those people. So- Is she okay? Well, you would listen to me. I'm telling you a story of really- Should they go and see? It's, you know, the, you know, the blacks. But the- You know, it's the- What kind of music? Well, you know, Rita, whatever. It's the review. Yeah. So they saved up and saved up. And for her birthday, and she's there with the, you know, her two kids and her two, three grandchildren. So afterwards- Something happened to the kids. Did something happen to the kids? I am not done with the story. Do you understand that? Okay. Okay. She, they go to, they decide they're going to go to Chinatown to one of the dim sum. And what they do is they bring the, what happens is they take the trays, you know, they walk around. I don't know if you've been to a dim sum. Would they come and they have all the different things and you say, oh, I want that, and I want that, and they, you know, and then they, and then you all, they put it on your table. It was a shootout in Chinatown two weeks. Was she in the crossfire with the Chinese gangs? When are you going to let me finish the story, David? And you want to know why a woman cannot stay with you? Is she- So, uh, David, I'm talking. I'm talking right now. I'm talking. Do you understand? One another person, why did you interrupt them? So, uh, they go to the dim sum. Everything's terrific. Everything's perfect. They bring out one of those Chinese cakes with the mazpan. I never liked mazpan. I never understood it. I don't know what's so terrific about it. It's one of these mazpan. Are her grandchildren okay? David, I am not finished talking. Do you understand that? Yes. You tell me you have a show. Does anyone talk on the show besides you? Okay. So, um, the getting out, the getting up from the, uh, the meal and they're walking up the stairs. It's one of those Chinese restaurants. You know, you got to walk down the stairs. They're walking up the stairs. Another, another, uh, you know, they're walking out. They're walking up the stairs. It's one flight of stairs, one flight. They all walk out. They're getting out to, uh, the street. Excuse me? No, no, no, go. I'm- No, I heard a noise. No, I just want to know, was anybody hurt? David, I am talking and I am not done talking. Ma, was anybody hurt? So they walk up the stairs. They get outside and, uh, uh, they, they, uh, she says, thank you. Well, this was terrific. What a wonderful birthday. Yeah. And one of the, um, one of the children says, and just to top it off, we're going to take an Uber. You know, they don't take Uber. They don't take cars. They take the subway. Charlene is so excited and is just about to say, oh, well, this is terrific. And her face contorts. And she drops it right there. Said, dropped it. Charlene said, so instead of an Uber, they took an ambulance and, um, Anthony, can you, is it, what's the last time you actually talked to Anthony? Hi. Have you called her? Well, first of all, she's not- What's the last time- She's not my aunt. She's your aunt. She is your aunt, David. She was your friend. David, she's your aunt. She was- David, when you- She is like a sister to me. She is like a sister to me. Okay, I- So, uh, and what's the last time you talked to Charlene? I know she had, she had mentioned a few months ago that she had written to you or written a letter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what happened? It probably went to your old address when you were living with your wife. Mm-hmm. When you were, when you were married. And so you didn't get the letter. Said, she's dead and Bernice is inconsolable and I can't walk out of this goddamn house without one of the ladies mentioning the divorce. I, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. David, why are you doing this to me? Okay, g-you give me Bernice's number and I, I will call her. No, you don't have the number. No. What happened to your Rolodex? I, it's in storage. I haven't used a Rolodex in 30 years. Oh, well, it's in storage. You always have some goddamn excuse, David. Some go, oh, I gotta go. I'm busy. I'm recording. I'm per- Is there anything good in your life? Is there anything? Can a mother? One day in her life expect a call from her son saying, this happened and it's fabulous. This happened and I'm so excited. No, it's always negative. You can't maintain a relationship. You, you are on some fake show that you, you know, I got a show to do. I haven't seen this. Where is the show, David? Where is the show that I have to- Ma, I'm sorry. I know that you, I have a list of people I'm supposed to call. List, David. You haven't spoken to Anthony's in 30 years, 30 years. And you're telling me you didn't have five minutes over the past 30 years to call her. Is that what you're telling me? That you, that you haven't had- I haven't seen Aunt Bernice in 50 years. 30 years. It's 30 years, David. You haven't talked to her in 30. I said 30 years, David. I know what it is. I haven't seen her since I was two years old. I haven't seen her. That's not true, David. I did not see her. Stop defying me. This is what I'm talking about. And this is why you're alone. It's, it's what a mother to put. I mean, what I sacrificed, what I sacrificed. All right, all right, all right. Please, please. What school did you go to? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what college did you go to, David? Did you go to an Ivy League school? All right, please, please. Okay. Did you go to an Ivy League school? Was everything all, was the patch set up correctly? You were supposed to be best. You were supposed to- Oh, he's brilliant. He's handsome. Look at you. Look at you. Okay. Divorced. Okay. Engulfed. Yes, five kids that don't- Don't even want to have anything to do. You haven't talked to Anthony since 30 years. Hi. Okay. If you can- Uh, it's, it's- Give me her number, please. Please give me Anthony's- Oh, and then now all of a sudden out of the blue. Oh, hello, Anthony. No, I don't want her dropping dead as well. Does that need her to drop dead? All right, mom, mom, mom, mom. I'm going through a hard time right now. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And- You, you, you. Mm-hmm. I don't know whose fault that is. Turn down the heat and, you know, I'll work with you on this, so if you can just be kind enough to give me Aunt Bernice's phone number, I will talk. If I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying. I'm just- Do you think I have- I don't understand you- You honestly think that, that I have spoken to Aunt Bernice in the last 25 years? I am so embarrassed. What? By the way, you behaved. How could I call her? What? How could I call her? How could I face her? How could I face Aunt Bernice? What? How could I face her? So you don't have- When you haven't had the common decency, five minutes to call her. You said I've been- Well, you haven't called- This is horrible. I have nothing. You haven't called Aunt Bernice- I have not spoken to David. David, how- Do I have to write it down? I have not spoken to Aunt Bernice in 25 years because I am embarrassed by the behavior of my only son who has continued to disappoint me and disappoint me over the past 30 years. All right. There it is. There it is. All right. I'm going to look up- It's Bernice- Okay, whatever you are, David. It's Bernice Blatt, right? Bernice Blatt. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bernice Blatt, Stuyvesant Town, right? Who the hell knows at this point? Who the hell knows? Okay, I will look up Bernice Blatt in- I'm sure you will. I'm sure you would be so busy with your- What's it called? Your show cast? What is it called? My podcast. So you- Yeah, I'm- Your podcast. But- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Podcast. This is my sanity. This is what it's called. What? What? Saturday. So you're on- You're on Hannity, and I haven't seen you on Hannity. No, my sanity- Very funny, sanity. This is what keeps me- keeps me going. Oh, yes, sanity. Yes, sanity. Okay. Yeah, all right. Okay, yeah. And where can I hear it? Where can I hear it? Because along with the divorce, the lady said, Oh, where's David's show? I mean, I put on the television, I have the radio of NPR on. Mm-hmm. Never heard your voice, not once. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So it's so difficult to get the show? What is it? In China? Where does the show air? It's a podcast. You listen to it on iTunes- Podcast. Stitcher. Podcast. I got you an iPhone. There's an app. I try to show you how to use the app so you could listen and you can't figure out- You know, you can't- I can't figure it out, so you're calling me dumb. No, no, I'm just saying that it's- So now one time, I can't figure it out. Okay, so- I can't be- If it's such a hit show, David, why is it so difficult to hear it? Why do you need the app and the iPhone and this and that? Why is it so difficult- I never said this was a hit show. I never said to you this was a- This is- I said this is- So you- You didn't say it was a hit show? No, I said this is- Every time I need- Every time I have to talk, Oh, I can't, I have to do the podcast. I got this one on the podcast and that one on the podcast. I- Okay. It's an opportunity for me to express myself and be with my friends. You need to express yourself and be with your friends. How old are you? 58. How old are you, David? 58, and you need to be with your friends and express yourself. Okay, all right. Express yourself. I think you've expressed yourself enough to have a woman walk out on you and five kids not speak to you. It's just- Oh, God damn it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting a divorce. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got a divorce. I'm sorry. Ma? What? How could you do this for me, David? You're on so hard. I tried so- David, I am not finished talking. Are you okay? I'm fine, David. I'm fine. How could you do this to- What? How could you do- How could you do this to me? That's a God damn divorce. How could you do this to me? I'm really sorry. I don't want to hear it anymore. That's a God. Do you ruin my life already? I didn't want to say it, but you God damn ruined my life. You're a failure. You're a failure, David. And I did everything. I did everything for you. I gotta go. I'm going to start. Oh, you gotta go. What are you doing now? We've just finished the B block. This is the B block of my podcast. B block? What the hell are you talking about, David? You don't even know what you're talking about. You don't even speak English. This is the B block. I was going to talk about the Russian ambassador and tell some jokes that I wrote, but you've taken up the B block and now I've got the C block. Oh, I took up some of your time. You took up- Oh, I apologize. No, I'm glad to hear from you and I feel- What is this? So, Walgie, what do you do? You talk? You just sit there and talk? Yeah. You're friends? Yeah. I have very funny friends. Successful professors and authors. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? Oh, who, David? Who, David? Lewis Black is on the show today. Oh. Lewis Black, he's a comedian. He's on The Daily Show. Lewis Black, he's a- Yeah, he's on The Show. So, Lewis Black, he has the finger. He did Broadway. Yeah. He did Broadway. He does the thing. He gets angry. He is- I have- Oh my- Are you kidding me? There, there you go. Lewis Black! Lewis Black. He does the apollé. He does the political humor. He's Jewish. You know what? It's terrific. He is- He and I've seen him because he's on real television and real radio and I've heard him and I've noticed that every time he does any sort of big performance or Broadway or whatever he does on the television his parents are there. Every single time he has his mother- Oh, what a wonderful part, Lewis Black. Oh, what a terrific- Mom, I- He's a friend of mine. Oh my god. He's a friend. He's a friend. Oh, is he terrific? And the thing about him is he is unafraid. He speaks the truth. He is so intelligent. I mean I have never heard anyone speak so- He's intellectual yet he's an artist. He really irks the power to be because of his power from his fame. He's so- And he's well known to all- It's all over. I mean the ladies here- Oh, he is so terrific. And his parents- He always has his parents with him. Oh my god. This is terrific. Oh, David. What a- He is fantastic. And he's well- Apparently he is really doing well. He's got a lot of money. Travels all over. Mom, I have his phone number and- Oh my god. Francis, they did- Now I'm on the phone with David. He's got Lewis Black on the show. Yes, that Lewis- Yes, that Lewis Black. Oh my god. Oh my god. I could finally breathe again. Oh, that is terrific. That is- Can you find out where he's performing? Is he coming down here? Where is he going to be- Oh, check it out. Because I'll get the ladies. I'll get the ladies to go. Oh! Oh! Oh my god, David. Yes! Mom, Lewis Black. I mean- Now that- That is the sub that you want to have. Yeah. Oh my god, David. I need you to do one thing for me. One thing. It's all I ask, because you know I don't ask for a lot, but I need you to send a car, give a lift, and I need you to send me a car. So I want to meet Lewis Black. I want you to bring me wherever the studio is. I want you to send me a car. I don't ask! I don't ask! So I'm asking for one thing. If you could do one thing for your mother. If you could get a car, I need- And if you could get one of the bigger cars, because I would like to brace a- Let- No! Ladies! Yes! Black on the show, and he's gonna send a car to leave in 15 minutes. 20 minutes. Can you be ready? All goes out. David, how do I know when the Uber's here? What do you think? 20, 30? 20, 30 minutes? What? What do you mean? Oh, she- Fran wants to bring the aid. I don't want to- Nobody can- Should the aid come? Nope. What are you talking about? She has- She needs an aid. She had the- She had the hip replacement. It got Scott tissue. She can't move. I can't- I can't carry her. I can't carry her. Lewis Black. I already promised them. David, I promised them. Please. Now, yes! I did it- Now, Lewis Black isn't on the show today. He taped Friday. He was on Friday's show. He's on the show today, but we're not- He- We already taped it. It's already been taped. He's not on the show. So, what am I supposed to tell- What am I supposed to tell the girls? Another disappointment? David. All right, I'll- I'll send an Uber. It won't be Lewis Black. It's going to be somebody else. So- Keith and the girl. Is me? Keith and the girl. Tell her you're talking about, David. What are you talking about? I already taped the episode with Lewis Black. If you and your friends want to sit around the phone and listen to it, you can and you can be proud of me because I know Lewis Black. And I texted him and I thanked him and he returned my text. He did my show on Friday and the next day I texted Lewis Black and I said thank you for doing my show and he texted. He said it had a great time. I'll get a screenshot of that and send it to you and you can frame that and show it to your friends. Isn't your sarcasm just so terrific? I'm not being sarcastic. I can frame it. I can frame it. I'll give you something to frame. I'll give you something to frame. You know what? You can frame your divorce papers. I'll send you- Your divorce papers, David. Okay, I'll send you an Uber. Now I'm embarrassed again. I don't want- Keith and the girl. Keith and the girl. They're going to be in studio. What are they? A rock band? They're amazing. Great. David, I have no interest in Keith. I don't have no interest in the girl. I don't- I don't have interest. I had one interest in one of the most legendary political satirists of our time, someone who is a member of the tribe, also wonderful to his parents, a role model, whatever mother wants their son to be like. That's who I wanted to meet. That's who Francis and Doris wanted to meet. But now once again, you've disappointed me. So why don't you call your ex-wife? Why don't you call your ex-wife and tell her what you did to me? So now you have another person not talking to you. Okay, David? Next time Lewis Black is in studio, I will- I'll send a car. When's that going to be, David? When's that going to be? He just did the quote-unquote show. Okay. And when's he going to be on again? I don't know. When is that going to be, David? You're a liar. You're a goddamn liar. You were always a liar. You were always spitting. I had to go to school. How many goddamn times would the teacher caught you with this and caught you with that and caught you in a lie and starting trouble? It's- You've been nothing but shit to deal with. Shit. I finally get into an Ivy League school. I can say to the- Oh, yes. You know, he's one of those kids. It's just socially awkward. But he's brilliant. But now here we go again, don't we, David? Another embarrassing- I think you're an embarrassment. You're an ab- You're a failure. What about daddy? What about daddy? What? The president! What, what, mommy? It's a- I'm sick of your interaction. We are okay. I'm sick of it. It's not enough. It's not enough, mom. Mommy? Are you okay? I'm talking, David! Are you okay, mommy? I'm talking! Mom, are you okay? I'm talking! Shut the hell up already! Yes, I'm- All of a sudden, you're going to kill it when you've done to me what you have done to me. You are the reason I'm depressed. You! You! All right. All right. Mommy? Are you okay? Mommy? I'm talking! I'm talking! I'm talking, David! Ma, ma! Do you want me to come up? You want me to come? Ma! Why don't you listen to me? I'm joking. I saw anybody can listen to me. Why so do? Why can't you listen? Do you want me to call? Do you want me to call anybody? This is the David Feldman Radio Network. That was the brilliant Judy Gold. Keith and the Girl are celebrating their 12th anniversary. Their podcast began 12 years ago. Hard to believe. That was before any of us knew what a podcast was. I'm proud to have them back on the show to celebrate. Jerry Stahl is a novelist and a comedy writer. His book Permanent Midnight was turned into a movie starring Ben Stiller. He just wrapped up a couple of seasons on Mark Marin's hysterical IFC series. He's also written a new movie called Bleeder, countless TV shows. More importantly, his novels include Perv, A Love Story, Plain Clothes Naked, I Fatty, about Fatty R Buckle, Pain Killers, Bad Sex on Speed, and Happy Mutant Baby Pills. A novel. And Jerry currently has a six-part series over at vice.com entitled A Tour from Hell, detailing his 14-day Holocaust bus tour. It's an amazing piece of writing. Jerry describes getting on a bus filled with tourists who decided their two-week vacation would be spent at Dachau, Buchenwald, and Auschwitz. Disturbing? Yes. Hysterical? More so. And we'll talk about his 14-day Holocaust bus tour. Donald Trump is now accusing Barack Obama of tapping his phones. Donald, it's perfectly legal. Now let me explain. Presidents are allowed to wiretap foreigners. Okay? And since Barack Obama is Kenyan, that would make you a foreigner. Capiche? By the way, in his tweet, Trump spelled tapped. Tap my phones. He spelled tapped with two P's. You're wondering why Donald Trump spelled tapped with two P's. It's because it was late at night and he was nostalgic for those Russian hookers. Speaking of tapping people without permission, Donald Trump, have you raped any beauty pageant contestants this week? The first 45 days of the Trump administration ended yesterday and they have turned into one embarrassment after another. And the approval ratings have hit record lows for any president. It's starting to look like Trump's only way to stay in office is by finding a nation of dark people and bombing it. This is not normal. How you feel in America? How is your mental health? Are you getting through the day? Because if you're not going insane right now, then you must be absolutely crazy. Because that guy sitting in Obama's chair is clinically insane. And I hold Ivanka responsible. I am holding you accountable for all this, Ivanka Trump. All of us eventually have to take our father's car keys away. Your dad is 70. He's demented from syphilis. He's got some untreated venereal disease. There is dementia there. Getting your dad elected president just so he would no longer have to drive. So somebody would drive for him. That is the height of cowardice. Grow a pair, Ivanka, and just take the car keys away from him. You didn't have to make him president. Yesterday, Ben Carson referred to African-American slaves as immigrants. After hearing that, Donald Trump said slaves were immigrants. On second thought, maybe I like the idea of immigrants. According to the Washington Post, the people who work for ICE, that's the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Department, they are actually not working for you and me. They are working for America's largest private prisons. Yes, they are taking all those undocumented workers they've been rounding up and putting them in private prisons where they are forced to either work for a dollar a day or for absolutely nothing. Either way, that constitutes slave labor, which is illegal in America. Yes, slave labor. ICE, you are taking work away from Americans by turning undocumented workers into slaves. It's in yesterday's Washington Post. I will link to it. According to yesterday's Washington Post, thousands upon thousands of immigrants are being detained in private prisons. They were sent there by ICE, the U.S. Immigration Customs Enforcement Agency. While they are in these private prisons, they are forced to work for a dollar a day, a dollar a day, or for nothing at all. There was a lawsuit. It was filed in 2014. Yes, while Obama was president, there is now a class action suit going on in which 60,000 undocumented immigrants who were detained by ICE claim that they were forced into slave labor. That is why Donald Trump has asked ICE to round up all these undocumented workers because the private prisons that work for the federal government, they, the largest private prison, gave $250,000 to Donald Trump. Two of Jeff Sessions, our current attorney general, two of Jeff Sessions' former aides are now lobbyists for private prisons. This is the GOP. They refuse to condemn Trump and are pretty much making a mockery of anybody who has ever tried to make a mockery. Watching the Sunday shows, watching Marco Rubio, Hem and Haw, Senator Cotton kind of defend Donald Trump, I now realize that you are either with the Republican Party or America. It is time to make a choice. You can no longer separate Donald Trump from the Republican Party. He is the face and ideology of the Republican Party. Police in Kent, a Seattle suburb, say they are looking into the possibility that a masked gunman telling a Sikh man to get out of the country and then shooting him might be a hate crime. Gee, you think? Are you sure that's a hate crime? And who's to blame? Republicans. Every time Muslims are killed in this country, those Indians in Kansas were shot to death, that is the fault of the Republican Party. Not Donald Trump's fault, the GOP's fault. This is the culmination of 50 years of Republican ideology, of Republican politics, where they set out to create America's toxic brew of xenophobia, ignorance and guns. That is what parts of America are turning into because of the Republican Party. They have fanned the flames of xenophobia, encouraged homeschooling and ignorance, and are tools of the National Rifle Association. These shootings, these hate crimes are the fruits of your labor, Republican Party, you should be very proud of yourself. Thank you for giving us uneducated, ignorant racists who have ready access to a gun. It's all on you, Republican Party, it's your fault. Trump's war against immigrants continues with Republicans unveiling a new plan for ICE agents to separate undocumented mothers from their children. ICE now is separating undocumented mothers from their children unless, of course, that child is a fetus, right? Tell me again how the GOP is, you know, against late-term abortions. The Party of Family Values, congratulations. You're doing a great job, GOP, separating mothers from their children. But abortion is wrong. ICE.gov. ICE, that's who's doing this. I'm doing my taxes, I'm getting my taxes ready for April 15th. If anybody from ICE is listening, how many children did you separate from their parents today? Because I'm about to write my check to the IRS. You know, I think about not paying my taxes this year, but I'm afraid they'd make me president, just like they do with Trump. This is money well spent, I can't tell you how eager I am to pay my taxes, especially knowing that it's going to ICE. This is money well spent giving it to ICE. You guys are getting paid to follow orders. This is our tax dollars at work, America. Right here, this is our tax dollars at work. The men and women who work for ICE, they are a national embarrassment. You are the lowest of the lowest. The difference between ICE employees and a prostitute is a prostitute doesn't get paid to hurt anyone unless they're being hired by Jeff Sessions. Thank you, ICE, thank you so much for separating that 13-year-old American citizen from her father who's been living here in America for 25 years and whose only crime was a DUI a few years ago which everybody who works for ICE has been convicted of. We all feel so much safer because the guys from ICE were willing to put it all on the line by taking a union job, yes, working for ICE. It's a union job, it's the only union that endorsed Trump. Yes, they put it all on the line by taking a union job and then cashing that union check. On behalf of all American taxpayers, ICE, thank you for getting paid to follow orders. As members of the only union to endorse Trump, rest assured he'll keep you busy filling those private prisons owned and operated by his wealthy donors who would gladly replace all of you with the very same undocumented workers you're getting paid union wages to terrorize. They would fire you and break your union in a heartbeat if they, like you, were capable of a heartbeat. Keep following orders, ICE. What are you going to tell your children? I mean, besides, see you next weekend after mommy agrees to lift the restraining order. The difference between ICE and ISIS? ISIS never terrorized a 13-year-old American citizen whose father came here from Guatemala for a better life, the same way all four of my grandparents came here to avoid getting raped and tortured by Ivana Trumps and Melania Trumps Eastern European shit-stained grandparents. If you work for ICE, you're not keeping us safe. You're not a soldier. You're a union mercenary doing something you know is wrong, but you need the money. Okay, that's fine. I'm getting my taxes ready. So as a taxpayer, I'm not covering the cost of treating your post-traumatic stress syndrome. That's reserved for the brave men and women who actually protect us. So if you work for ICE, listen to me. Don't confuse next year's PTSD with what you're actually going to be suffering from, which is guilt. You should feel guilty. You are separating families. Now, maybe you have the documents, but in my book, you're anything but American. Shame on you for following orders that you know are monstrous. You cashed the checks. You took the money. It's a union gig. You destroyed the lives. So you pay for the post-traumatic stress syndrome treatment next year. I'll use my tax dollars to pay to treat the PTSD you just created for that 13-year-old girl whose father now is in a private prison in a detention center owned and operated by wealthy Trump donors forcing him into slave labor. We all have choices in life. Nobody drafted you ICE Working for ICE was your decision. I hope you like the money because that's all you're going to have to show for your work in addition to PTSD. If you're listening, I strongly urge you to quit. Quit in protest. Grab Your Wallet is a wonderful organization that tells you which companies are doing business with Donald Trump and why you should boycott them. It says here that the founder of Home Depot donated $7 million to Donald Trump's presidential campaign. I wonder when the Paragons of Virtue from ICE are going to arrest the top executives at Home Depot who built an entire business on the backs of undocumented workers hanging out in Home Depot parking lots. The founder gave $7 million to Donald Trump and Home Depot has built its entire business by making sure undocumented workers are hanging out in their parking lot to help you paint and use all the products that Home Depot sells. I suggest all of you boycott Home Depot. You might as well. Who are you going to get to install their crap now that ICE is rounding up all the people who actually know how to build, fix, and install the junk that's sold at Home Depot? Boycott Home Depot. Vote with whatever money you have. Pay attention to Washington and your local government. But folks, Democrats, liberals, progressives, show up at the town halls. But the real battle you wage each and every day is with your credit card. Your credit card is the tip of your spear because they're not counting our votes. If you're a person of color, they're making it harder and harder for you to vote, but they're counting your money. So be very cognizant of how you spend it. Make informed decisions. And when you decide not to shop at Home Depot, let the company know. Tell them why you're not shopping at Home Depot. It's important to contact your senator, but also talk to his or her supervisor. Talk to your senator, your congressperson's supervisor. That is the corporate thug from Home Depot who lured undocumented workers into America and then sits quietly as these same undocumented workers are scapegoated. By the way, it's hard to prove a negative. Even if you have no money to spend at Home Depot, that doesn't mean you can't intimidate Home Depot into thinking you do have the money and have decided to spend it someplace else. The great thing about a boycott is you can pretend you have the money not to shop at Home Depot because of political reasons, because of moral reasons, instead of the real reason which is you spent your life savings on strippers. You're listening to the David Feldman Radio Program. You sad, pathetic hump. Coming up, Keith and the Girls celebrate their podcast's 12th anniversary. It's today. They're celebrating it with me, and I am truly honored and I urge all of you to subscribe to Keith and the Girls podcast if you haven't already. Kathleen Madigan is coming up next week. Lewis Black convinced her, talked her into doing the show, so I'm excited about that. Susie Essman, who plays Jeff Garland's wife on Curb Your Enthusiasm, her brand new season of Curb. Yay for that. She's going to be doing the show this month. We've been trying to get her, and that warms my heart. For those of you just discovering this podcast, we have a lot of new listeners this year, ever since Trump got elected. I want to thank you for subscribing. We launch at 3 a.m. every Tuesday and Friday morning, whether we're ready or not. So that's 3 a.m. Tuesday morning and Friday morning. We're available for download on iTunes and Stitcher. You can also listen on YouTube. I have a YouTube channel. Just go to YouTube, type in David Feldman Comedy, and you'll find it. It's just audio, no video. Eventually we'll have video, but right now it's audio, and we're getting a couple of listeners on YouTube. It's also a great way to spread the show. YouTube is a great way to help make the show go viral. It's a great way to listen to audio if you're at your computer. YouTube is a great way to listen to audio if you're at your computer. Create a new window in your browser. Go to YouTube, start listening, then go back to the other window and surf the internet or whatever. Ask your kid how you can do that. We're also an iTunes Stitcher. Or just go to davidfeldenshow.com and there are tons of ways to listen to this show. Just so you know, I'm a comedy writer and a frustrated journalist. So this show incorporates everything I'm interested in, which is comedy, government policy, documentaries, relationships, sex, cats, dogs, sex with cats and dogs or whatever. I promise not to waste your time. That is the ethos of this program. Time is of the essence. I will not be disrespectful of your time. I promise not to waste your time. These shows are long, but I'm back and forth between New York and Los Angeles. I travel around America. I meet a lot of interesting people. I have access to interesting people. I read a lot and I like to share whatever I know with you. I like to share people. I wouldn't be introducing you to these people if I didn't think they were important. I have impeccable taste when it comes to politics and people and books. I have horrible taste when it comes to making jokes. So you know, it's Newtonian for every action. There's an equal and opposite reaction. The more high brow, the conversation, the more likely you're going to hear some low brow scatological jokes coming out of my mouth. Hopefully they'll just be coming out of my mouth. Yeah, so that's what basically the show is. It's a low brow intellectual food fight. And it's why this is a podcast and not a prime time show on NBC. This show is committed to standing up for the people who can't stand up for themselves. And I will continue to search for the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or my listeners feel. I have no pretensions about what this show really is. If you need breaking news, I suggest you get it from Amy Goodman's Democracy Now or Rachel Maddow or Scott Pelley on CBS. CNN is fine. This show is about spending time on one issue. This is not a daily skim. We're not tiptoeing on paper thin ice. Because the gift of a podcast is we can spend time. A great podcast spends time but doesn't waste it. I don't expect you to listen to each episode in one sitting. Some of you have jobs where you can. But the show's recently been designed to be spread out over a couple of days or not. But that's how I listen. And yes, I listen to the show. If you're going to, so am I. I also listen to my audience. There's a contact button at DavidFeldenshow.com. Many articles that come my way and are mentioned on this show are through that contact button. And I welcome your criticism and suggestions on how to make the show better. I keep a small group of friends on Facebook which I use as a proving ground for ideas to be used later on the show. So please friend me on Facebook. I test jokes and ideas and I treasure the feedback from my Facebook friends. I get a lot of friend requests. For me, I get a lot of friend requests. But if they're not listeners and I usually can tell if they're not listeners I delete the requests. The show is growing but we're not topping the charts because of the subject matter. And the way we approach the subject matter. We usually give the shows an explicit warning label because sometimes the subject matter or the jokes are not children friendly. You may not want to be playing this while you're taking your kids to elementary school or somebody else's kid to elementary school. Then again, if you're taking somebody else's kid to elementary school and not your own kid to elementary school, chances are you're not worried about explicit language. Personally, I would let my five year olds listen to all these shows. Our guests from using foul language. Sometimes a few F-bombs slip through. I don't approve. I ask the guests not to curse when they do. Sometimes we bleep it, sometimes we don't. It depends on whether or not we're posting the radio version of the segment you're listening to. I host a radio show for KPFK 90.7 FM in Los Angeles. That is the flagship station these days for the Pacifica Network. That's where Amy Goodman is produced. Well, she's produced out of WBAI in New York, but she's the flagship show on the Pacifica Radio Network, and I suggest you get all your news, your daily news from Democracy Now by downloading it as a podcast. I also suggest you learn about Pacifica, which is a radio network that began in Berkeley about 50 years ago. Pacifica is dedicated to nonviolent, peaceful resolution through dialogue. I pay my bills as a comedian and a comedy writer. Good comedians and comedy writers are lunatics, and America needs lunatics because we are America's moral compass, especially right now, because sanity in an insane world is absolute madness. Let me say that again. In an insane world is madness. If you think you're sane, you're crazy. Most comedians and comedy writers live off the grid. We live our lives always on the outside looking in. Me especially, because I'm a peeping Tom. But most comedians, most comedy writers are on the outside looking in. That's our lane. That's where we're comfortable. Because if you're on the inside, then all of us have been or are inside for certain parts of the day or our lives. There is a period in all of our lives when we're on the inside. We all know how dangerous it is to be on the inside. That's why Steve Scrovan, a well-respected comedy writer from everybody who lives. Raymond, school of rock right now. He and I co-host the Ralph Nader Radio Hour, heard nationwide on Pacifica. If you want a life well-lived, I suggest you spend an hour each week with the Ralph Nader Radio Hour. Steve and I are lucky enough too, so I suggest that you Google Ralph Nader Radio Hour. You'll find out how to download the podcast or where the show airs on the Pacifica Radio Network. And of course, buy all of Ralph Nader's books and do exactly what he says and your life will be perfect. I wanted to introduce myself to you because since Trump was installed, we've gained a lot of new subscribers. I am working hard not to talk too much during interviews or roundtables, but I am like a yapping dog. I'm so excited about seeing my guests. I can't wait to sniff their crotch. I mean, yep. Okay, today's show is very special. It has four of my favorite people, Judy Gold, who you just heard playing my mother. I have listened to that 10 times. It's like a symphony. And 12 years ago on this date, March 7th, 2005, Keith and the girl began their podcast. And we have them on our show today. Nobody handed them anything. They started podcasting when nobody knew what a podcast was. And they have grown their podcast into a five-day-a-week thing with loyal listeners because they're great at what they do. They're smart, funny, and as you'll see, incredibly quick. I assume you know who Keith and the girl are, but if you don't, go subscribe to this podcast. This is a podcast that's spread through word-of-mouth. Nobody gave them anything. And those are the shows I have the most respect for. They rose to the top. Keith and the girl are like Brian Regan, the comedian Brian Regan, who really didn't get his following by doing television. He got his following just by being the greatest comic in the clubs, then in the theaters. Everybody just talked about him. Word of mouth. And for that, I will be eternally resentful to Brian Regan. I mean, he's had his specials. He's been on Letterman. He sells out shows because of word-of-mouth. That's the kind of comedy I respect the most. Yes. Also, Jerry Stahl is back. It's been a while. When I moved to New York a few years back during that transition period, Jerry hosted my show. Jerry is a novelist, known best for Permanent Midnight, which was turned into a movie starring Ben Stiller. Jerry is so much more than Permanent Midnight. He's just wrapped up a few seasons in the writing room over at Mark Marin's and he has a new movie called Bleeder. He's constantly writing, writing for movies and television, but most importantly, he's churning out novels and they're all incredible. As I mentioned earlier, he has a new series for Vice, and that's why I asked him to come on. For Vice, he took a 14-day bus tour of Auschwitz, Buchenwald, and Dachau with tourists and wrote about it. And so I'm going to put Jerry on last because of the subject matter. It's a topic where Jerry and I like to live, Nazi Germany, we don't like to live in Nazi Germany, but we are fascinated. But it's a little dark for some of my newer listeners, so I'm putting it at the end of today's show because while it's funny, it's incredibly dark, although Jerry and I don't think it's dark. Jerry and I share, among other things, a fascination with the Holocaust and Jerry's series for Vice is, because it's Jerry Stahl, incredible prose that is off the chart hysterical. By the way, that's the way I structure these shows nowadays. I want to start off light and then get either dark or more serious deeper we get into the show. That's usually how we're going to structure each episode from now on. Start with the dessert and then have your vegetables. There was a kid named Jud Abrams who would eat his devil dogs first and then tackle the tuna fish sandwich. It was so unorthodox, groundbreaking actually at the time, and needless to say, the subject of eating your dessert before the tuna fish sandwich became the subject of spirited and often cantankerous debate around the cafeteria table. My mother wouldn't pack devil dogs, no sweets, early on she knew the dangers of sugar. I got oranges and a good day, maybe a fig Newton. But my mother, for the most part withheld sweets from me which is why I've never paid a woman for sex unless her name was Candy. Okay, almost done here. We have some back episodes. I want you to go back and listen to Bob Saget was hysterical on last Tuesday's show. I insist you go back and listen to that episode. Andy Kindler was on our February 21st episode. If you did not hear the episode with Andy Kindler I command you to go back and download it. It has become a classic among my die-hard listeners. Trust me on that. Dana Gould and Rich Voss were on the February 17th podcast. If you're into comedy the pain of comedy there are some great stories you'll hear on the Dana Gould and Rich Voss episode. Also Eddie Pepitone for our February 10th episode with the roast master general Jeff Ross. Eddie Pepitone is my male muse and I think Judy Gold might be my female muse but Eddie calls into the February 10th show and it's that perfect combination of being hysterical and disturbing. He calls in as a Trump supporter. I urge you to listen to that episode. It's the February 10th episode. I'm going to start going through the back catalog of all our episodes and start suggesting what you should download just in case you're new to the show or you miss these episodes. We're coming up on eight years this summer. There's a lot to comb through unlike Donald Trump's hair but if anybody out there wants to curate what amounts to thousands of episodes go to DavidFeldmanShow.com and tell me what we have because I don't have time to look back and I can't afford to pay anyone to listen to thousands of episodes. Let's celebrate the 12th anniversary of Keith and the Girl with Keith and the Girl. Welcome everybody to the David Feldman Show. We're from Keith and the Girl and David Feldman is not here. David Feldman's producer Alex in fact lied and said to David come at 12.30. He said that we'll be here at 12.30 knowing that he told us to be here at one. It is now 1.15 so not only is David Feldman 15 minutes late to his own show he's actually he thinks 45 minutes late. But don't worry he's 5 minutes away. I asked him why are you always late? You asked him straight up? I asked him straight up it could have been on this show it could have been on our show and he said and then I you know you gotta ask David some 5 fucking times to find out if he's being goofy or not he used to be or is however you look at it an alcoholic and the only way he gets a thrill anymore is to I think this is bullshit I think he's like himself run late so he's always stressed out and getting that roller coaster of excitement. Listen I'm a late person I think you are a little bit also but let's not qualify people That happens in AA too I hit my bottom I mean you guys all have your bottoms it doesn't even matter but anyway I'm talking about me. Well when I'm late I don't count it as a thrill I'm not like yes I don't have to smoke any weed today I don't have to do shots of nothing but when I'm good I'm late what a rush I think with his bullshit story if he took a lie detector test he would pass but that is a stupid story because he's never on time so he's always thrilled that's the thing I wouldn't describe him as a thrill a minute and what would be nice he's more neuroses a minute when you're 45 minutes late 46, 47 I hope he comes in with a Starbucks Just come and stumbling all over yourself and I'm like hello guys you don't feel bad at 45 minutes you don't feel bad You know what at an hour late you better come with your buttons miss buttoned Oh I can't even New York City the subway I understand it's the weekend half the trains are not running the other half are God knows what but where does he live I could have walked to his house and back by now I did go to his house he's in bed but you ate his bagels so at least you had breakfast oh he is a character he said he goes hey Alex to have Keith and the girl read my how last night I went crazy Trump crazy his Facebook timeline is full of back to back stories all Trump related and the IC is driving him crazy and he said I had a breakdown last night as if that's the excuse for being late you're going to have a breakdown for four years minimum well I thought a breakdown last night was just two days and Thursdays like you know Jewish people they take out the Torah only twice a week I believe it's on Mondays and Thursdays and those are very very special days because that's the days when they can make the most money I'm not getting synagogue and church and all of that guess what it's a money making machine it's really good looking to it and I think it's a good idea to do I have Alex's iPad here looking through Facebook I also get Alex's messages and David Feldman just text you Alex fuck oh this is fun his ex wife is saying people don't know that their devices are connected I've had that where our studio's iPad is suddenly connected to your phone and a text comes in and here's the problem a text comes in on anyone's phone it can come up on your phone right now it's sitting on the table and I'll lean in and look at it I still didn't even get a chance to read it or look at where it's from but it looks like I looked at it for five seconds already and then I look up and go yeah I didn't read any of that and how stupid do you feel at that moment anyway that's the same thing when your text comes up on the iPad I'm like I think that's your wife but not that I'm looking but I think you should stop connecting your phone to the studio iPad who knows who's texting you what I'm going to find out all David's messages oh my god he literally just opened up the message app David says keep bullshitting them tell them oh there was never a show I see oh this is how David takes the day off right so keep in mind he believed he was supposed to be here at 12 30 p.m fuck bad karma bad karma I don't know I hope he's driving put the fucking phone down David then drive he keeps pulling over the text there's no way he could be if he's driving he's never going to find parking that's another hour of five minutes to get there six minutes says the GPS David sue the GPS take this GPS to court because it's been lying to you for days tell Keith I'm late because I got caught up writing a Facebook post about respect for others oh is that about you who knows I don't know does he listen live I don't know writing a post I wrote a post last night I'm 82 years old I couldn't fall asleep you know after you write a post oh my lord anyway here's let's see what else we got on here no don't do that just good person says hi she seems like a nice person here we go Facebook do you guys ever okay let me ask you this Keith when you're on the train and I did this on the way over here and I'm like oh I had to skip yoga this morning because sometimes I'm just like do I really want to do it it's only 10 minutes a day I'm like that often with yoga just so you know I'm doing it after this so I'm telling everybody and if not I'm off the goddamn liar but anyway I'm riding the train and I'm like what if I don't anything to not touch anything on the train right what if I don't touch the train and instead I work on my core and I pretend like I'm surfing so as the train wobbles back and forth I am engaging you're never high on the train you're going to see posters for please do not do yoga on the train now you know where it came from all right I always wanted to be the source of one of those right so David writes on Facebook if you're curious what kept him up all night by the way I could see what time he wrote it it's 12 hours ago you know I mean you can get an you can get a nap in David that's what yeah you're you're supposed to be somewhere at 12 30 and you might might have gone to sleep at 2 a.m. you're okay he was in bed already doing these stupid messages that's where you have your breakdowns right you can't get out or on the toilet if you work for ICE you're not keeping us safe you're not a soldier you're a mercenary doing something you know is wrong but you need the money that's fine but as a taxpayer I'm not covering the cost of treating your PTSD by the way this is more interesting if you know what ICE is I think I don't that's reserved for the brave men and women who actually protect us don't confuse next year's PTSD with what you're actually going to be suffering from which is guilt you should feel guilty I guess they're the American police section that's that's separating immigrant families I'm just guessing you separated families oh look at that I could have read one more sentence maybe you have the documents but in my book you're anything but American shame on you for following orders that you know are monstrous you cashed the checks you took the money you destroyed the lives so you pay for the PTSD treatments I'll use my tax dollars to pay to treat the PTSD you created for that 13 year old girl I want to look at that I mean I guessed at all that we all have choices in life nobody drafted you working for ICE was your decision I hope you like the money because that's all you have to show for your work I strongly urge you to quit in protest and ICE is writing back not to think on thank you done God that's hard to comment on so what we're talking about is the ICE challenge again right so the ice bucket chance he would he is separating the ice bucket challenge people are going into homes and demanding people take the challenge right or they get deported is what I understand yes yeah I mean a little ice people it's not that hard to I don't think the PTSD from an ice challenge is so hard I don't know what they but I don't want to be a dick how did I think reading his Facebook's would be interesting a Russian ambassador insists America's best place to take a leak is Georgetown's Bobby Van Steakhouse because the urinal mints are aged overnight so so that made the news so that's you have had yeah he did that I hope someone printed that it's very important all right well good for you good for you here's a picture of David Feldman and Mel Brooks okay it's interesting all right let's see if you texted anything to Alex behind the scenes what time Alex wrote yeah what time did you leave Keith wants to know I know when you left you didn't leave by 12 30 you know you can actually text him from there oh as Alex oh okay thank you sorry Alex it's me of course sweating Alex and I just want to say I'm starting to lose respect oh my god for you love me totally Alex send send okay then if he says he's not Alex that's just weirder you know your studio has been compromised hope you're happy I Alex this is how Keith would respond if he caught his wife cheating I Alex quit oh my god let yourself in keys are under the front thing they probably have a front thing right I don't know if you have a mat say if it's not under the mat then it's above the door post then go home and find it keys are under the the mat you know if they're not there they'll be there in five winky minutes right that's good if they're not there they should be there in five minutes according to GPS right all that's good but let's do Google when we're done with this show according to GPS oh my god GPS Alex is getting so near but it's funny because he owns the place and he's got the key to the door that enters this room but plugs are goofy is that too much that might you can mess with a man's a lot of things but you're saying everything that I always wanted to say you always want to say to him this that's perfect oh is there anything else that we should say totally not on your behalf completely totally not what you're thinking completely not right anything that you can think of that would make this so funny that it's impossible that you actually feel that way even if we think that it's possible that anyone could feel anyway they always had the talent anyway that you know where the bodies are he's trying to get silly that's code he said if anybody ever takes my device and they say they know where the bodies are that's me realize right right right yeah which pill do you think you should take the blue one right to the opposite oh wait is that what they want I'm don't drink from that glass I'm joking about the talent part but seriously this is too much too much sad face are you kind of guy that would rate a sad face probably sad face wow oh we should have used the coasters it's very important I'm not using coasters he's not here oh shit that's right put your food right on the table why don't I know how to rebel well you know what I mean is it women are too polite is that where we're going you have okay Keith and the girl dot com dot com all day every day say that they will only give you five more hours and then they have to leave can only stay for five more hours you're uploading this without him knowing right let's start a twitter feud what should Twitter oh my god no that's Alex's Twitter let's see right there yeah you're probably right but we'll check that's your Twitter yeah you know his password though right come on you know it ah alright he's pleading ignorance yeah I bet it's simple it's something oh yeah it's I quit dot com it's see you soon my password see you soon like he even lies to himself in his passwords his password is I'm five minutes away right around the corners his passwords like who you're writing that for David only you know it his password is GPS is my lord and it gave me just as much as your lord on Christmas that's what the GPS says I think that's how they all marriage and he got caught in bed and goes oh the GPS is saying she's not here that's what it's gonna say on his gravestone right the GPS says I'm done you that I know he's his gravestone says I'll be right there haha hahaha hashtag Felden gravestone that shouldn't bug him out right hey no joke Alex don't let him in does the store lock from the inside no it doesn't why wouldn't it lock from the inside whenever the whole world is exploding right the cops are at your door you keep podcasting right and that's my thoughts on I see why it's okay David hello what a pleasant surprise are you wearing a yellow badge on yourself they're after the Muslims this time Felden how you doing buddy how are you good to see you look he's taking the time to say hello we started hahaha good to see you yeah come on in so I'm 58 years old okay okay I have every I'm 58 I was close well I look 70 but I look 58 you couldn't hear us I couldn't hear so I have every I've been in therapy since I was 18 it's working I have every defense mechanism in the book to not feel guilty about it no no no so I don't mean to interrupt your conversation you know what when I'm on a show I don't mind the host talking okay well you're hosting the show you look lovely though so here's the thing no one's allowed to look good around someone who just got a tumor removed we'll get to that that's that segment I'm teasing it they glued me back together Felden what were you going to say about being late so I feel absolutely horrible you should be thrilled you love being late you don't get to drink anymore well I feel absolutely horrible and guilty so there are many ways for me to deal with this okay cutting I can either go on the offensive and make it their fault I don't know what to do yet let's workshop it let's workshop what I can do here because I really fucked up I fucked up so the offensive thing would make no sense of course so we can cross that off oh yeah we talked about that we weren't scheduled for one you were even lied to and still late so you're later than we're already upset we actually should be more upset we tried to trick you so we have young people listening so let's teach them how to not be late or how to how to make it somebody else's fault okay cool cool cool let's see alright listen let's say children that you're supposed to be somewhere and then you're not there till 45 minutes later what could we do where it's somehow not your fault now this makes it tough because in this scenario you do it constantly kid that I'm making it up and it's not a surprise to anybody and people actually go and get coffee and food last minute they won't be late I have an idea you should keep Starbucks gift cards on you at least 20-25 dollars hand it to everybody that you're late for I would I'd be like I hope Feldman's late that's you know and then what it's absolute per minute like a dollar per minute that's how late you know you're gonna be that's a good idea if it's a dollar per minute but the thing is I will take credit if you just handed me a 25 dollar Starbucks gift card I'd be like I'm so sorry I'm late I really disrespect your time and look at me I have a Starbucks in my hand that's not what you do with your time see that's have you ever said to your therapist I have a problem with being late yes but he was late that day there's only 5 minutes left that's a great New Yorker cartoon do you know anybody could draw that he's pointing at you like you just fucking that's right but he just came up with it yeah it's a make Keith hear me it's a guy thing it's how I said it what why what did I do she kind of is the one that said it it's okay as long as Keith gives me the credit this is why I'm your partner you're the only one who can hear me somebody else here and then I say it do a cartoon that's a funny idea we should do something together Keith you say it and I'll do it yes so my instinct is to attack you guys because I feel horrible for being disrespectful if it makes you feel better I feel attacked by your time you definitely got us jokes on us somehow I have to manipulate this into you guys feeling that somehow you've hurt me oh you need to learn how to suck dick I don't know what the time is it makes everybody feel good now you'll hear the beginning of this show when you weren't here and you'll get upset you'll be fine that was our fault did Alex tell you my excuse yeah he made up that you were on Facebook and I saw the Facebook post complaining about ICE apparently it kept you up all night even though that was 12 hours ago I just texted him and I said tell Keith and the girl that the reason I'm late is I got caught up writing a Facebook post about the importance of respect for others if it didn't get 100 likes or more I don't give a shit then we have to respect one another and that's why I got delayed because I'm sorry I missed the I missed the Facebook part I'll tell Keith I'm late because I got caught up writing a Facebook post about respect for others and then before that I have bad karma you're not driving when you're writing all this right I'm in the back of an Uber going you get an Uber SuperPool and then maybe it picks up it picks up 16 people on the way how far away do you live a mile, two, five downstairs that's five around the block he was in the middle of a bath it's a 45 minute bath and you know it have you lost girlfriends because of your time if you I've lost girlfriends because I come too early that's your time issue I get it by the way I remember he was going to be here at 12.30 I'm in my Uber start this show exactly at one if I'm late I'll walk in what else would you do make it all about respect I'm sitting and freaking in traffic three minutes and then we got stuck on the FDR then we got and then it just amplifies it snowballs into this anxiety where it's you ever do the math on how much money you lose because of your anxiety because I got stuck in traffic because what happens is you probably are planning to take the train like a good New Yorker and then it gets to a certain time and you're like then you go on the app and it tells you it's going to take the same amount of time to take the train in the Uber but you're like no that can't be and Uber has to be faster and you insist on the Uber and then you get stuck in traffic like how could that be true am I close well Uber should I take it Uber or we should talk about Lyft because nobody should use Uber anymore right I I got an addiction everybody from Lyft did nothing wrong but continue I became addicted to to Uber and I had a stop especially because the queue train now is near me but it just became this thing where it's like having a credit card where you think you have money but you don't and Uber became well I have time I have more time but I really don't you start getting ready and you go alright I got to get the subway in 10 minutes yeah but the force comes to where I can take an Uber I stare at the clock until it's too late and I'm like fuck it's too late that's like when you wake up and I don't know if you guys did this more as a kid or I still kind of do it although I wake up a lot better now you try to wake up and you're like if I don't wake up now then I'll skip the shower then I'll skip I'll skip breakfast, I'll skip whatever so you keep getting more time and then you're late anyway because what's the difference if you wake up 10 minutes before have you ever been a shut-in no but I was making up your depression and getting out of bed so it's close how long have you been a shut-in before have you ever just gone through a phase where you just go okay that's it I'm not leaving I've been in the doors for a while I wanted to but then I don't understand how to pay rent like that and by the way, speaking about Uber and that cost do you notice they do it at least once a year and they go here's how many trips you took and like what why would you remind me that if Starbucks reminded me how often I went there bye it's enough that they give me points and I'm like I shouldn't have another free drink yet that means I drank too many with all the miles you traveled you could have went around the sun five times I'm a shit head great I have a confession to make about Lyft and Uber this is it's one of those few things that I say to myself and I can't stop and I go I get into an Uber and I go I'm a big shot I always feel I'm important something about getting into an Uber into a beaten up Ford Fiesta where you're scared to tell the driver that that's not the music you want to listen to yes do you look at the person's name ahead of time and act like you always know him shalom thank you again you're welcome weirdo alright same time tomorrow I don't know if you type it in I guess Uber drivers are all Israeli they happen to be the Israeli drivers the minute I mention divorce I get it's like listening to Andrew Dice Clay I just sit back and hear about the wife back in in Galilee I wish I could divorce her they tend to be the Israeli drivers in New York City they see the name Feldman so then I get the Jewish Inquisition for five minutes and then Feldman are you Israeli and then what about your wife and then the rest of the trip is about his wife back in Galilee that he's still married to but wants to you can do it you live right next to her I have to live 12 hours if I get the flight right now and with this traffic I don't think so but no you can't handle it oh my goodness she's in my bed again giving me sex oh Feldman it's too much Jewish for you I don't understand okay pay me money I'll explain the state my wife is in the sea of her bed and she give me a break of her I invented that I sat next this was like must have been eight years ago I flew first class I was the Uber of Ubers and I sat next to Olivia Newton John nice she's telling this story in reverse right now for a 58 year old Jewish guy hello hi noon hopelessly devoted I mean she is when I was you don't need to finish any of this too much my bed hands all over glue so I'm and I got really speaking of just eight years ago you brought up a plane you brought up a plane so I get off the plane and I get into a cab and I call my mother tell her and I got an Israeli driver he's got the Israeli flag and I go mom you're not going to believe what I just sat next to Olivia Newton John I got bumped up to first I use some miles I was sitting next to Olivia Newton John I swear to God my mother says I know when you get bumped up they have celebrities there I got bumped up once and I sat next to Tova Borgnein Ernest Borgnein's wife I swear to God she said that and I'm on the phone and I go what are you talking Tova Borgnein I said let me tell you just like I was a kid dripping water so then I go I say to the cab driver I go I'll talk to you later bye I say the Israeli cab driver can you believe this I just flew first class sitting next to to you be the Israeli driver and let me see if you get it right I'm not going to but okay okay I I need to go to East 14th street I know this already send the phone I just got off the phone with my mother and I how she doing it's good you call your mother good good good do you mind cracking the window just a little the air miss is really making my eyes water you don't like it's okay so we don't crack but just crack the window for you so anyway I'm sorry no you're talking anyway I'm on the phone with my mother and I just flew first class I got oh goodness I expect good tip from you life is good you're calling your mother you're going first class wow okay humble break okay well you know I got bumped up I use miles it's not like you're gonna get that big yes oh but for miles how you get miles you spend the money I know I know it works America no I know you don't just wake up and there's miles please it's not like eh I have a theory that so that nobody can get a word in while they're talking they don't know the next way before we get back to this why should Keith that little which he just did was amazing yeah somewhere notice the Jewish people the way you were able to do that but Hamda you're doing fine as well anyway yes so I was with anyway so I flew first class you seem condescending neither here nor there wherever you are I flew first class and I'm I heard okay yes and I sat next to don't even tell me who do you think I can tell me no I will never guess your mother no I no I mean let me I'll give you a what is your name live live well how come it says Muhammad don't worry we're all the same don't be racist it's America it says Muhammad's fear what do you know about Muhammad and what do you know about live okay that's just when I got in the cab I see your license but you wear glasses who knows what it's doing to you this is Muhammad's fear and your name is live and there's an Israeli flag okay well you don't know but live is short for Muhammad it's a nickname sir can you can you guys move you're gonna be late oh yeah we should go somewhere you need to be okay we should pull out okay let's go to east 14th street I'm gonna give an address bro I apologize follow that cab it says here on the sheet from JFK that the cab ride should cost $55 yes of course but already on the meter it says 230 but that's without toes and the tip and your mouse is running and I correct the window you want a seatbelt too okay let's listen America go so you'll try to guess I sat next to let me give you a hint when I was coming of age sexually who do you think I came to let me guess you be my conscience okay I just want to say who it is hahaha why am I making a guess I just want to tell him who the fuck it is oh it's Mel Gibson is he trying to be funny I can't tell if the cab driver is trying to be funny no not Mel Gibson I gotta make a call Tom Cruise it's who I masturbated Tom Cruise is a good looking guy am I homophobic for not saying Tom Cruise is a good looking guy you know actually it's not Tom Cruise nothing wrong it just happens to be a woman really is there wrong that I said there's nothing wrong with because why would there be why would I even say that yeah I mean there's nothing right with being gay that's true I think no it's you know be yourself and whatever that is and okay I want to guess guess which woman I masturbated to when I was younger I gotta be honest I'm not hard anymore does it have the word John in it yes as a matter of fact they're very good think about it a little bit they're really gonna think it's a fucking guy it wasn't a guy it's a last name not the first name not that a man feels the first name and by the way I think sexuality is fluid and it could very well be but it just happens to be a woman with the last name John I don't know I think about fluid means but that's what people are saying I can't imagine help me have you ever heard of Olivia Newton John heard of her of course yes he's gonna think I'm talking about fucking John Travolta she did a movie with John Travolta called Saturday Night Fever yes Saturday Night Fever yes I know the John and we were flying and I got bumped up the first I sat next were your arms tired? American joke no I don't know if that's a good joke or a bad joke like it's good because it's so bad like you fly okay yes you get it okay why are we pulling this is not into Manhattan the Bronx you have to go through the Bronx two minutes you've got to learn how this fucking city works yes and there's a toll here so there couldn't be honestly I don't know let me ask you this you call something exciting just happen to you and you call your mother you're very alone yes I don't it was the first phone call it's a little pathetic no a little bit okay you know what I think we should do I think I should just stare out the window if you don't mind I will put up the partition please call me Mohammed do you mind if I'm just going to look at my text I think I'm the only New Yorker that likes talking to the cab driver keep pretending to get texts all right I'm going to look at my text let's see if I don't have any text I know it and he knows it okay I'm going to and seeing you guys good work all around so the guy says to me thank you keep doing that threat the rest of the show whatever this is how we do our own show he does his voice and then your inner voice am I really thinking that the audience doesn't know the end of this fucking story the cab driver is excited about the dude no he isn't he starts arguing with me that I picked up I picked up Sofia Loren 20 years ago the date doesn't go by that I don't think about this I go what are you talking about Sofia Loren he goes Olivia Newton John what she made a couple of hit songs but Sofia Loren she talked to me and she was beautiful the smell was in the car for two days I kept the windows shut I never opened the windows she's a glamour but Olivia Newton John and an Israeli and a Jew arguing who was prettier Sofia Loren or Olivia Newton John I felt good I felt good it feels good to argue by the way this is what Henda alluded to you do on your jacket have a yellow cloth pinned it's a Jewish statement right saying Trump's president we said never again let's see if it's never again is that what it is or no a year ago and I can't remember her name but a young comic was handing out felt lapel just now you realize she was marking you no I was her number 6,625th friend she wrote it on my arm it was just something it was very sweet it was a heart and I was going through a difficult time and it just kind of my knees buckled it wasn't a sexual thing thank you for clarifying wow that would make sense but it was just very sweet to wear a heart oh my god I made you coffee you don't deserve it by the way I'm so glad to see you guys I really am it's been too long right literally 45 minutes too long yeah so you host the show you go back okay here we're talking about ICE we don't know what it is and we're taking your calls what do you think about ICE I lost it last night I don't have enough room in my freezer I don't know I don't know what's happening I'm guessing from a poster tour of yours that there's some kind of American police force and they're separating immigrant families do I have this right? did they have this job before Trump was it always a job? were you always this livid about that job I was upset that Obama was doing it but do you mind if I have something to say as host? no I don't the thing is it's not just they've only from what I understand 635 people they've rounded up and separated which means a couple thousand lives at least were affected and it could be fewer than the ones that Obama rounded up because Obama set the record for most roundups was he rounding? I thought he was turning people away who don't have visas no they were this is just turning people away from very specific countries I thought it was because his numbers are higher very specifically because he turns people away at the border doesn't round them up the numbers are different and they round up Obama's numbers to make him look like he rounded people up really? yeah that's things that I heard where they're using his numbers that yes he had a high deportation but he wasn't deporting in the same way or the same quote kinds of people in other words like the same paperwork or he wasn't looking for the same thing he was and I don't know enough to like I think there's a 10 day limit what he was doing was getting people who had been here for 10 or 14 days and sending them back but under Trump he's getting people who've been here for 26 years which is there's a big difference I think if he did keep them for 10 12 days they might have been in that limbo deportation area which I'm not certain why that exists I guess to check your paperwork and what not but that seems to be a very weird situation to put people trying to get in this country you either have the paperwork or you don't but I don't know I would check on those numbers before you get oddly livid at 1am but I don't know and I don't know what to say about this because this is people's jobs but that is what happened in Germany it became people's jobs to execute people but I feel like when we look at each other like we're the problem like somebody else who has a job is the problem it started becoming a bigger problem because that's what they want us to do instead we look up and go why are you ordering this you know like it's sort of like blaming the soldiers where they're constantly looking up like what we're supposed to do so what kind of system do we have and who's putting that system together and who are we blaming again like I don't know who to blame I'm not feeling good about I see people you know can you feel good and how can you how can you not say well does it feel good to deport someone maybe to some it really does maybe some people took the job because they enjoy that but I feel like that's hard to say unless they're expressing themselves that way you know man it's a topsy turvy world out there and I think now more than ever you gotta look at the different options yes how many people do you know who enjoy their job David you work for yourself you obviously don't enjoy it I would enjoy deporting people obviously I would especially Americans there are some Americans who I'd like to not the ones they're deporting but I'd like to kick open some doors and tell them tell people so how easy is it to get that job once you love it then what do you know what I mean like it's not easy to get a job I don't know if we should be blaming the people who are doing their job but then where is that point to execute that person and are they not doing it when we go oh by the way we're fighting with this country go for it I can blame somebody for taking a job for example a meter maid we definitely need them but when I see somebody take that job I'm like why you you know what I mean why did you have to take it though like somebody has to take it and again we do need them we have fucking chaos but why do you take it well if you could start naming other skills you're willing to pay that person for or you can get them a job for I mean maybe they want it to be a comic but there's the job that they can get but in a banana republic which we are the store yes I didn't know maybe it was a phrase and the store took it from that I didn't know we're a banana republic because there's a tremendous gap between what it says is on these pants what they actually are when I try them on so it's a banana republic the chasm between the wealthy and the poor in this country is far worse than anything we had in the 70s in terms of banana republics in latin america it's true I mean there's just we have a lot I would say 99% of this country is six paychecks away from whatever and so we're all living in fear there are no good jobs so we begin to and this always happens in an authoritarian regime there are no jobs available so you work for the government and the government gives you jobs to hurt fellow citizens that's how an authoritarian regime become a precious commodity and you end up doing hurtful things to your fellow man now at the 72 years old David I'm gonna be 72 but I'm good three months so let's have you for years you're gonna hear on tv life is the worst that it's ever been you'll be scared no matter what side you're on or you'll be scared by one side have you seen anything as scary as Trump ever in your life well that's the point I'm making about the 625 undocumented people have been rounded up it's not the number it's the terror there's terror associated with this you have a lot of Hispanic people afraid to come out of their house now that it's been a very public display of cruelty do you think that you'd have the and I question this about myself do you think that you would have the the balls to quit your job you know the it is a form of terror is the point I'm making terrorism is not the number of people you kill but the amount of fear you create and that's what Trump and Bannon are doing to the Hispanic population they're creating fear they're doing the show of force isn't it funny that we know that it's Bannon but that's not the vice president right yeah yeah we say Trump and Bannon so that so when you say has it been worse yeah it's been a lot worse it's been I've lived through some really horrible horrible I did you see my third set on Alan fix we started yeah but I didn't know if you were just saying that to wrap people up you know well I mean it was it was you can repeat it for people that don't know I know yeah now by the way Alan thick was a genius I like that I love Alan thick I saw wife swap he's a douche but he's he knew okay go ahead and so it made him look so bad and made him look like the womanizing I guess he was right he was a womanizer I guess but yeah he I did love his talk show and of course you know I didn't mind the sitcom but yet later then don't don't do these reality shows don't do them don't them and I'm not one of these people either that think they can make you look however like they really had to do some fucking editing I guess you know when I say genius we worked with him just briefly on something and he he knew how to take his character that what he represented to America and then spin it into something else you know and it became a he was willing to be a parody of what he had become which is kind of that was I wish him well are you anxious about what's going on I mean there is and on your show and can I be invited to do the show if I come on time and don't if I come an hour early we're going to we're going to tell you it's a week early and then you'll be on time and we'll all be set I yeah we if we get political if that's what you're asking we can't help it we're meaning we're not a political show per se yeah my name is in per se it's David when it's a I do that once a year that joke once a year I figured I do it for you I do the per se joke and by the way you can have it that's my gift this is like the ring I die if I don't give it to somebody else I'm going to give you as as a gift I'm going to give him to I'm going to give you my per se joke good job so when somebody says per se comic now finally wait I'm going to I'm going to do this I'm going to give you go ahead I'm sorry I'm going to do this per se Joe and David's going to happen to be around as it happens to kill and he's going to forget that he gave it to me so I don't know how I feel I think instead of a how could it not kill honestly don't call me second say then I take it further now did I steal that or did it originate from what you have given me I think the greatest punishment for me is being on time right but to dock me would be to take one of my bits for me to give you whose punishment is that to clarify I just want to know who's late because I thought I was on time but why haven't we seen them because I was 30 minutes late don't let us interrupt please wow does your audience know who you're talking to like no one can hear him do you know that are they here in the background why doesn't he have a mic in there you don't like it because nobody wants to hear you suck your bag that's just in your he goes directly in your ear with that you can have a good joke he did just him go it's like saying break a leg to Felden per se really let me guess you're going to give it away oh you just gave it away fantastic David fucking Felden man you weren't even on that one he's just hanging out with me to meet Bob Saget that's the whole thing he's just and Jeff Ross he just humors me yeah he just humors me because he hopes to meet somebody but I think the punishment for me should I think the sacrifice would be giving you a joke that kills in my act but I would we would be the ones that have to pick it of course because I remember for example I was stole a or I did something wrong in um when I was a kid and I had to give and I had a big tape collection I had to give one of my tapes you have to give me your favorite so it gave some copy of a copy bullshit you know but I mean they wouldn't know they can't study it and go alright it's obviously guns and roses if they knew you they would know they would, jokes on them you know what as a punishment instead can I just get you to show up on that no it's it is it is pretty bad in all honesty and I was going through all the arrows in my quiver of self-defense like what that's crazy though what were you doing I thought you were joking that's crazy no I'm going I've been around for a long time when you mess up people mess up all the time and we have little tricks that we play on ourselves not on there are things in my mind like I wrote karma that's how I justified my being late bad karma which is bullshit what does that even mean karma came back and gave you bad karma and made you late right which oh I read it and it's soon because we're human god damn beings that you were saying I am creating bad karma in the future that's what I thought that's what a great person would think that's just so good wait a second you're late because someone did something bad to you that's so sick that we're nice people and you're insane I'm so mentally ill and so narcissistic that's so bad and by my acknowledging this right now it doesn't make it any better it's a device it's what I'm doing right now is just trying to come across as a good person by acknowledging I'm a malignant narcissist but I'm really a horrible person tell your therapist he's fired tell your therapist to listen to your show start from there he's blaming me but wait a second you're right this is really interesting I kept you guys waiting it made me feel bad because I was in trouble with you guys and I merely said this is bad karma coming back on me for what tell us for what what did you do instead of is the bad karma from when you were late the time before yeah but it's interesting what a malignant narcissist I am that I would be trying this is how it affects me as opposed to you guys it's so funny how this is blowing your mind yeah but you called me on it which is great did you come up with that like did you know it wasn't that hard no we've been thinking about it for a while this is all we think about this is what Keith and the girl is about really? yeah yeah we just dissect why people are late we demand that people are late for our show thank god you're late this is all our material have you ever been late for your show because you do it live yeah so I can't be late I don't know as the host David I can't be late to my own show you know but I've been late to things this is what occurred to me the show started without me right but nobody knows that because you cut it out no no and I thought they're gonna be mad at me but then I thought wait a second they're probably having a great time without me we never get together Keith it was nice to and it's nice to go on somebody else's show and just not know it until last minute and take over and I'm supposed to talk about ICE that I never heard of plus I mean another brunch with your wife on a Saturday haven't you had plenty she just came back and she's leaving tomorrow but whatever really now she's actually out of town now but you didn't really ruin a brunch are you still married yeah because I show up to things oh man she wanted she won everything right when you showed up late the court for the fifth time that was the end of that now I got to the bottom of it you've never seen those kids wow sorry this is why he shows up late he thinks it's hilarious you know what's funny if Keith tells me late jokes if Hamda tells me late no never mind if Keith tells me late jokes I feel horrible Alex that was a good show right on a big piece of shit yes boss you're the biggest piece of shit there's no bigger piece of shit I'm a triple flusher right that's why the seats are warmed in here in the toilet take a while so with that said you're the boss you know what as a joke I do this on my show but I stop it real quick I would be like and today's guest from his comedy and he's a legend David Feldman David go but then I quickly stop it David will really stare at you until he's like I don't know where my show's gonna go now David Feldman show we've hosted it's our bad we should come prepared we're coming with notes next time every time I love it when you guys host this show we can tell oh here's a good defense mechanism yes this will be great this is gonna be the number one we should end on this it's so good just so you know if you're in the room it's the end yes you're that late every time we're gonna wrap it up that's why you should have called your show we're gonna wrap it up alright first of all that is synonymous with the David Feldman show continue I have to make it up to you somehow so I'm gonna I'm telling you story books I don't understand but here's my defense mechanism subconsciously I know that you've taken over this show the word subconsciously and subconsciously I was late knowing that it would be better that's good right do you think they buy it that's such full of shit subconsciously did I just say subconsciously I did them a favor am I pretending again to be self-deprecating one really welcome to me cab we're back in the cab let's get Charles I promised you we promised you you'd be out by now for this you look at me that's great obviously she's the scheduler yes you have four more minutes I have four more minutes then I have to close down my show well what should we have four minutes what do we talk about you being a piece of shit not being a piece of shit how's your dating life my dating life is it four minutes women are they're complicated definitely start with women are women are very intimate women are always on time women are adamant about being on time women are very interesting what's the biggest problem that they're interesting they have thoughts I don't I think on dates do you go you go you take this one I think that you take this one this is what I do for a living so it really is your turn friends there's friends and then there's something more and there's something more are you giving us the birds and the bees it's right and when there's feelings match and you'll know when it happens so there's no point for this talk that's called consent you're gonna need that and that's all you need really body parts and that's up in the air now find the blanket and the rest comes into play are we close there's friends then there's more than friends then there's but friends that's another edition of the David Feldt show oh can you did you ever tell your kids a birds and the bees story I desperately wanted to you think it's too late now I will tell you Larry Brown do you know the comedian Larry Brown when you're doing you're desperate you don't do it I desperately wanted to if only I had a moment but you know it always seemed like the perfect moment is gonna come that next moment you know looking back there's never a good moment there's always a better moment there's always another sunrise I tell myself I'm gonna do it next year I wanted to tell my son the deal was the wife was gonna talk to the kids the daughters I was gonna talk to the sons so I couldn't wait to do the birds and the bees but neither could they and you know it was like I don't know 18 I figured I should that's good time things are gonna start happening no early on I said do you have any questions it's the way you host the show and he said no and that was it and I thought it'd be more beautiful he said I'm good he said I'm good but I should go over it dad I'm good I got it all when I was your age good counter it's creepy I don't want to hear it from you but my father not interested did your father say that yeah he did how old do you remember this I was 13 and he said 5 words he explained the birds and the bees because she's your sister because she's your sister cause is it 2 words no because she's your sister son so that explained the birds and the bees get back to you yeah my dad did explain the birds and the bees to me I was appalled he was wrong by the way whatever it is that he told you he took me for long walks I swear to God for long walks in the woods oh that's where the porn was I swear to God yeah he blindfolded me to see how my sense of smell would operate I was like the kids next door told me where babies came from and I got really angry and I said my parents didn't do that I was 10 and I said take that back my father would never do that to my mother take it back and I came running home and he said mom you slot and I said Josh and Adam said daddy pee's inside of you and your mom was like I wish he would he wouldn't even I asked him several times and I went well your father will be home in three hours and I go for now we're having schnitzel for dinner I'm 10 he either pees inside of you or not give me an answer because this is something your father and I started freaking out does he pee in you or not your dad said he'll be here in five minutes and he came home and I do remember he walked in the door and I waited and I said Josh and Adam said you pee in mommy and he walks to the my father never drank and he opened up a bottle of scotch and he goes we're going to talk about this later and it never was the perfect time and I went you peeing mommy and then they start laughing at me then he caught his dad peeing in the toilet and he goes that's better oh mommy he's got my new mommy he's got my new mommy whoosh very confusing time is that what they mean by women get wet Keith and the girl how do people contact you take a look at Keith and the girl it's on iTunes download it subscribe for free say hi if you like what you see if you don't you know don't say nothing too much and how many times a week do you do your show we have a regular episodes come out five days a week every weekday and then we also have our own shows that we host that together and I have what's my name that comes out my name is Keith where I get the guest drunk and your questions Adam we also have a show where we we interview our new associate producer every week about what she fucked up on and what she fucked and who she fucked it's very and what she ate that week it's a lovely show but you can go to keithandthegirl.com we're available for free everywhere podcasts are on all the stitchers and the iTunes and what have yous but don't be late do it now we're about to celebrate 12 years very excited well I'm going to apologize it was disrespectful and everyone who thinks that you should apologize should subscribe to our show keithandthegirl.com and I haven't seen you guys and I I was looking forward to this and this is going to be good Alex but I do I think I mean this this isn't bullshit I think it was self-destructive I was looking forward to this you were that excited mm-hmm I think I was being self-destructive alright let's try again next week we'll be your therapists you know what or I should just come to your studio to do my show so you guys don't have to travel this way if we hosted ourselves it's like normal is that a bad idea you're invited but I'm saying like do the show yeah do my show from your studios oh I see so you don't have to travel yeah sure yeah yeah bye Alex that's the show briz thank you guys wrap it up well of course you know check out David at David places and you'll see everything but I would like to tell you about the Giles files yeah you know Nancy Giles sure and Emmy winning contributor to CBS News Sunday morning when the girl keeps files on people she digs and breaks down trending topics from pop culture to politics at a microphone in the ukulele for a fast and furious look at what's up through interviews commentaries did she do song parodies song parodies oh my god I love her and more also don't forget to defend your movie each week comedians Sean Donnelly Conan Comedy Central invites one of his friends on to defend a movie that they love problem is they're the only one that loves it yeah we love it just us though you will hate it keep them the girl dot com and before you wrap it up yes the final final thoughts I always end the show with something I always end my show with something motivational so give the audience something motivational but that I really don't mean right but it just presents me in a gentle light talk about time and space as me being David Feldman I'd like to let you know that I've learned a lot again today and I will take action accordingly to be a better person I mean that and I wonder if they believe me I hope they believe me and I need to apologize to the woman I was with last I would like to apologize to the woman I was with last night I wasn't with anybody because I didn't show up but I just text her now I'll be there in two minutes and the guy who made my sandwich at the grocery store because I owe him an apology I stopped at the grocery store for sandwich because I was late anyway so what's the difference what do I do be bummed out and hungry from the showbrize studios from the showbrize studios here in 720 East Fifth Avenue come on by say hi the doors open it's a David Feldman show that's showbrize in July of 2015 Jerry Stahl went on a holocaust centric package tour through East Germany and Poland for Weiss he joins us from Los Angeles how are you David the death camp tour can be read by going to weiss.com it's the tour from hell let me start off by defending myself and then I will shut up and that's gonna be the new name of this show and then I'll shut up so I'm reading title so I'm beating myself up today because I was 30 minutes late for Keith and the girl and we start with you now and I'm reading a tour from hell your death camp recollections and through my head I'm going what is wrong with you David why haven't you spoken to Jerry Stahl I'm beating myself up and in my defense I'm thinking oh right I made him the host of my show I'm reading you and I'm thinking oh that's right I when I left for New York at LA I gave the show to Jerry Stahl that's right I forgot I'm not a complete idiot this is why I gave Jerry Stahl my show and we were supposed to do I think you were gonna do a show with me or not with me but we were gonna produce some kind of book show right I was hoping to do that you know in the way of these things 1% of everything ever discussed in the world happens and such as life right yes the reason I bring that up is I'm torturing myself and I'm a little neurotic today and there's this voice in my head going what is wrong with you Feldman how could you have let Jerry Stahl slip through the cracks oh you're so kind man I've slipped through plenty of cracks well you are you normally neurotic or is this just today I'm a little anxious today and a little paranoid and feeling like I'm letting people down but it's probably because I'm a product of the times not the New York Times the age of Trump you went on a 14 day bus tour of the Holocaust I did how did you find out about this that is a very good question I wanted to visit the camps I was very depressed I come from a I don't want to brag but I come from a suicidal family and I said I'm not going to do that because you know the blood spray is everywhere and you're dead so that's not fair and so I said well I'm going to go visit some death camps because that will put things in perspective death camp for Jerry is the name of your band that was my original band yeah I guess so I did that and I thought well what would really make it hellish would be if I was on a bus tour with like a bunch of very normal regular folk pretty much just saved up and this was kind of their dream trip because I don't I don't love buses I don't love being around other people I just like being bussed to school as a child so I thought let's just really make it just spectacularly uncomfortable and it worked it all worked and you have a six part series for vice magazine vice.com where people can read this and it's part of a larger project that you're working on is it an I'm going to make this part of a memoir what I did not include in the vice article which is pretty much as you can see just the events and the bus ride and the camps there was also stuff going on in my life but I kept it to the sort of the political historical for vice which I think works here I do know that you were writing on Trump and the Trump Marin I always confuse the two a lot of people do not do that but it's interesting that you do well what happened was I thought I was visiting the past and then Trump happened and I realized so you're visiting the future and that was a strange flip that I didn't see coming Trump was not happening when I went to Eastern Europe but by the time I got there suddenly it was all Trump all the time and the obvious parallels are even more obvious when you're actually over there going to museums and in the land of the land of slaughter there was an argument when you bring up Hitler in July of 2016 is when you made when did you make it? right happily it wasn't really an argument it was more of an observation I wasn't trying to say anything so yeah that law I don't know if I'm prosecutable under that one but I understand when you compare them to a Nazi you become a lame you've got somebody somatic that makes them resemble a Nazi they could just be a disgruntled Scientologist you never know right? hey I'm thinking you have so many doors available to you because you've written for CSI and ALF and HBO and Ben Stiller they're going way back now you're hurting me when I wrote for ALF I was really not writing out like a lab rat people associate me with ALF but it will appear on my tombstone he only wrote one and a half ALFs I think that will be my but because it showed up in the movie and such people think I created ALFs would that I had I would own you an ALF that I created ALF why don't we pitch Godwin's law as a series to Dick Wolf wouldn't this be a good good Godwin by the way I think he is some philosopher internet guy and I think like 25 years ago at the start of the internet already people were accusing each other of being Hitler do you believe that law is true? do you lose the argument when you compare somebody to Hitler? everybody should be compared to Hitler yeah it's amazing the more people aren't compared to Hitler actually if you really get to know people I mean once you dig down deep enough it's an Hitler I was saying this in 2012 when I was comparing Obama to Hitler you're really out of it interesting I said that maybe if we compared Hitler to Hitler we wouldn't have had the Holocaust I think it's important to study Nazi Germany and be on the lookout and there is an authoritarian playbook and the more you bring up Hitler I think you do a disservice not to remember I understand the interesting parallel really and this isn't an argument and I'm not using invoking Nazis but Hitler's biggest fear was being laughed at more than being assassinated people would mock him and clearly Obama didn't have probably seem to have a sense of humor to some extent Trump does seem to have some issues don't you think with any kind of criticism or mockery well how important by the way I love President Obama and as a joke on the show I used to call him mine Führer and the danger let me just preface this is that I do think that is comedy gold right there I can see Obama and Michelle talking me into doing horrible things that cult of personality is so strong for me that that's why Trump is really dangerous the mocking of Hitler I didn't know that that he really didn't like he was definitely afraid of it well it's really interesting and I'll send you some pictures later because this came up fast and they didn't appear in the article but there was a lot of magazines made fun of Hitler that he was the object of great murder and like Trump nobody took him seriously and nobody was that scared of him initially and then he sort of fooled them all when he started you know started with the killing and the murdering and that's kind of how that happened and while Trump isn't murdering yet he's that organized but he's definitely reacting to being made fun of in the same way if I can make the same point three times in one minute no you reminded me of Jerry Lewis when you said the killing and the murdering and doing the bad so we can do the good I was born for that reference I'm glad you picked up on that it's hard to talk about Hitler without the little Jerry Lewis creeping in we have to do the bad so we can do the good is what Jerry would often say we have to Jerry Lewis say that we have to do the bad so we can do the good with the killing and the murder did he change his underwear six times a day yes he that is and a socks I believe and it sucks what is who doesn't really I mean yeah so the Nazis so the Nazis so the Nazis for our listeners you're Jewish I am Jewish yes you have a fascination with Hitler and the Nazis yeah a lot of Jews seem to have that a lot of Jews seem to have that you read about it how often a year oh I feel like I'm taking a a test in the back of L I don't know that I read about it often I like to dip in at least once a day to something and I did write another book a book called Pain Killers I think when I first met you Larry Charles and I were trying to turn into a sort of a TV show being one of the buddies strangely enough no traction is that true yeah it's a book Pain Killers it's about a detective who has to go to San Quentin and find out if this guy claimed to be Joseph Mengele is Joseph Mengele the premise is that Joseph Mengele is alive he's like 97 and living in Recita this is a novel you wrote oh yeah no it's not fact that I know of although it could be and then you know hijinks and sue but it was it was a way for me to write because basically my theory is that the Nazis won you know they may have lost the war but if you you went around America you can see all the things sort of Nazi s that happened from Werner von Braun who started out doing you know running slave camps made to be too and ended up being JFK's best friend and a national hero and he got the moon many such things Hugo Bach was Hitler's favorite suitmaker and now he's makes every bar mitzvah boy he's a bar mitzvah suit so plenty of ironies cheap and otherwise you went to the camps I went to three of them and what were the three camps Dachau, Buchenwald and Auschwitz let's start with Dachau where is Dachau it's over there it's over there it's over there in Eastern Europe where the camps are and I will tell you that in no way is this making light or trivializing them but to me at Dachau and Buchenwald and Auschwitz I was fascinated by the snack bars the fact that people A would shout down on like the fucking chicken with the janitorium and B at Auschwitz if you do the research and this is horrifying to me that people actually they they built the snack bar on the site of the location where people originally would get their head shaved and get their tattoo and it's just you know what can I say you really don't have to make a comment that's just that to me that was that and the amount of people taking selfies pizzas any mesquite oven okay so yeah I mean I know so don't go with the oven thing yeah I know I know I know so you can I didn't I didn't even think of that that's why you're in the profession and I'm on the market you're so stop I won't go to ground zero I don't need I understand I don't need closure you know there's no I don't need to see I did go to Dealey Plaza and that was surreal I have no desire to go to Dachau, Buchenwald or Auschwitz and although I'm obsessed with this stuff and I maybe one day will go the people who are on that bus tour from what I can tell from your reading aren't necessarily Jewish correct no and how much of it is about paying homage to the the people who were exterminated and how much of it is just gory fascination I think in the case of the individuals I was with I was prepared to make carnival with them but in fact they were very respectful I don't know that they had met a lot of Jews in their life but they had a lot of respect for the Jewish people we had a dinner at a kill bossy kill bossy lounge in Warsaw before we set off on the tour and everybody went around the room and talked about what they wanted to go on this tour mostly it was I respected Jews I'm curious about them I'm interested in history so there wasn't the sort of gruesome fetishizing that one might expect that I'm sure you know comes into play for some people but if you're interested in the Jews why not go to Israel that's a great point and I've never been to Israel really? you're right I guess so I guess maybe because I might bump into Netanyahu and it would get ugly you've never been to Israel you chose the concentration camps instead of the promise camps you're just going to rub my nose and make all kinds of judgments about that aren't you? no I think it's a I don't know that I chose one over the other I just decided this was a part of the history that I wanted to see I tried to get to Israel when I was a younger man and I think it was at the five day war a war broke out this would be in 1973 Yom Kippur war Yom Kippur war forgive me I get my war and we weren't allowed to go they stopped us like stuck in roads to ball place we could go farther into the cities where did you get stuck? in the island of Rhodes between Greece and Turkey I tried to get there as a young man but I didn't make it I always accuse my mother of being what I call a foul weathered Jew interesting what does that mean? well that means that loves the holocaust she loves anti-Semitism she'll read the daily forward and obsess on Ivanka and Jared Kushner who are a disgrace to the religion she wants them excommunicated I had to go do research for her because it turns out Jews do excommunicate really? yeah Spinoza I think Spinoza was y'all they can say you're fired basically what you're saying Spinoza was excommunicated by whom? by don't have it in front of me but he was ex Baruch Spinoza was a Dutch philosopher and what did he do? he gave us the enlightenment and at the time if they showed him yeah and the Jews I guess of Holland or somewhere excommunicated him from the religion and then they apologize 200 years later and I think that Ivanka and Jared Kushner should be excommunicated from the religion you're not a fan of Jared Kushner? no but the point I'm making is that's what my mother fixates on she's never been to Israel and I always say what is the point of being Jewish if you're not going to enjoy the holidays there's a lot of good the holidays maybe she's more into celebrating keeping the sense of being wary and not ending up a victim again maybe she wants to keep that side of things a lot you know she's rather she doesn't want to take the bitter with the sweet she just wants the bitter and I think the choice to go to the camps as opposed to the kibbutzes is interesting I've never been there would that be a joyous experience I mean experiencing apartheid as it seems to be described by those I know who've been there the kibbutzes? a lot the kibbutzes, the kibbutzes are wonderful I've heard but I don't know if I'm ready to work okay I totally agree and I stand accused and I cede your point okay so you're at Dachau is it fun? are you having fun? no of course it's not fun but it's fascinating and it's chilling and it's for me, for example Auschwitz at Dachau there's this beautiful little town that you pass through to get to the camp and that is what I didn't get from books or movies or such things because then you realize these people lived there and I remember reading this thing they didn't know what was going on but they did notice there was these strange kind of foul smelling flakes that would land on their laundry and they hung it out to dry which of course we know what that is but they didn't know that there was a you know giant mass execution going on like a mile from their kitchen I find that fascinating and it's a charming little town and that's just mind-blowing to me other people who are far more eloquent I can sort of only express my disease wonder people worked at Auschwitz and then would yes they did and then they'd leave, you know, 5 o'clock the whistle would blow and also another thing I didn't know I think it was from the tour guide and by the way the tour guides are fascinating too because they're volunteers the tradition of slave labor consents yeah well what's interesting is she said a lot of people would say like how do you justify how do these people become Nazis they're regular people and she said well there's one story in this town this was near Dachau of a guy they asked in this farmer and he said well it's very easy they gave me 12 slaves and some money and nobody before Hitler was doing that he was just a struggling farmer so not justifying it just saying that's a point of view I had not heard until I went there and I think some things you just can't understand until you go does that make sense I have yeah it's fraught with a lot of questions that I of course I'm fraught myself I'm fraught myself people people live near Auschwitz they use slave labor and they slept at night apparently so it's like the south before the war yes there's another great book that came out I don't have the author's name in front of me it's called Blitz and it discusses not just the drugs that Hitler was on but the drugs that Germany was on it's a new book it's really interesting Dr. Morell was Hitler's Dr. Morell was Hitler's personal doctor which I find fascinating because along with the usual you know like morphine and amphetamines and such he included just a soup son of Bulgarian peasant stool because he felt that that would give Hitler vitality because they were such strong like bull kind of peasants in the mind of Morell Dr. Morell putting that out there well I remember you had told me this and I've actually we've talked about fecal transplants on this show oh we did see you know I have no memory you'd think you'd remember because how often does that really come up but I guess I was discussing that in some other context with you I guess we just get together and it always goes to fecal transplants I remember you told me that Bulgarian stool yes okay I'm repeating my stories but people need to know people need to know this Jerry or they forget maybe they some do some do yeah that before we forget that the internal workings of a Bulgarian man or a woman we don't know but I'm assuming it was male stool I don't know how do you tell what is it about the Bulgarian stool that made him well I'm only citing the thoroughly discredited Dr. Morell but he thought because they were such vital strong unconquerable kind of men that perhaps some of this strength in the mind of Morell I suppose to be transferred through their the product of their thinkers for lack of a better term I'm trying to be you know faithful and Dr. Morell according to this book I haven't read it but I've been reading reviews of it the Vermacht was on amphetamines there's not a great name that's what it was called perv pervacin yes I guess you would call it perv for sure yeah I do some perv yeah I guess the Paris got occupied sooner than the British and de Gaulle could imagine because they figured at some point the Vermacht had a sleep but they never slept they never slept they never slept it's fascinating right they're all tweakers and so this country America is on what Zoloft all of Germany was on speed right well now America is on Adderall so it all worked out how bad is it gonna get here in the United States are you scared? of course I'm scared I think people keep saying oh it's gonna be the end of the world like the apocalypse has already happened it's just happening in very slow motion like it's not like the end is near the end happened it's just taking a while to play out and that is terrifying it's terrifying for me for a lot of reasons I mean I'm an older guy so I'm gonna be well out of it but you know I have two children I have a 27 year old and I have a 4 year old don't ask and you know I worry that my little one's gonna be like crawling for cancer scraps about 10 years no water and nothing left you know I'm not going for a cheap laugh here I'm just saying you know it's a concern of mine okay let's get back to Dachau, Buchenwald and Auschwitz of the three of the three I'm all ears I think Buchenwald has a room that's just all ears right I believe so yeah they uh well actually I think Auschwitz has a room that's just hair they have like a seven ton hairball they have a giant hairball because they saved hair and used it for the wires in for ball making so it's putting that out there for fuses nothing goes to waste is what I'm saying yeah use every part of the Dachau use every part of the Dachau I got it use every part of the Dachau the Dachau I'm gonna give you credit for that that's great nothing like a concentration camp pun to elevate the proceeding how much laughing did you do while you were there I didn't do a lot of laughing but when I came back I got invited to some key west film festival and I saw this amazing film which you made a part of kicking myself for not remembering the title it was about it was about humor in the holocaust they had all these stand up comics over the years doing their bits with the holocaust and uh some of it viewed by a survivor who was watching these clips on a computer you would like rate their jokes and I don't consider this really making fun or making light of but just to be sure when I wrote the film killers I talked to a survivor about this very subject the grandmother of a friend of mine and she said like I do her accent but they see like you know if you don't laugh they win and I think that's kind of true that would be my justification because you know if you don't mock them you tend to deify them or act like it could never happen and neither of which I think is very productive yeah you were in key west is that because of Hemingway and Gellhorn no it's because I was in somebody's movie my guy named Steven Elliott made a movie strange enough called after Adderall but I was in in a bit player and he got me flown down there nothing to do with Hemingway and Gellhorn just years ago anyway while there I saw this movie documentary which I haven't seen playing anywhere but it was about nothing but comedians dealing with the holocaust and it was pretty insightful pretty enlightening the Bleeder is a movie I have I wrote with the director Jeff Fertsike who did that documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston one at Sundance years ago it's about Chuck Wettner who was known as the Bayone Bleeder he's the guy whose life Rocky essentially stole Stallone stole to make Rocky it's about the real guy who was a hard luck guy who was the only guy who ever knocked down Muhammad Ali he did because he was a dirty fighter by standing on his feet and punching it so he fell down so an amazingly great character who's still around that's what that is and did he fight Ali before or after Ali had a stop for refusing to serve in Vietnam I was after that, I was after he was champion much later than that so he was Ali and not casually go back to the holocaust Muhammad Ali we just threw that in there we were just reading a bio while we were... no, I wanted to make a point okay, what's the point? the point is Muhammad Ali the point I... the reason I brought up the movie is that Muhammad Ali had a job and his job was to be the greatest to be the greatest boxer who ever lived and to make lots of money then he got drafted yes, and he said no I'm not going to go to Vietnam yep he gave it all up yes he did he gave it all up here in America people with far less to lose are not willing to give it all up and the conversation I was having with my mother and my sister this morning was about the ladies and gentlemen who work for ICE how complicated it is to work for ICE because you have a job pays benefits it's a union gig and your job is to kick open the doors of brown people and separate 13 year old girls who are American citizens because they were born here from their fathers who weren't born here and not only that their new edict is they will separate parents mothers and children when they put them in detention centers they won't even let them stay together they're going to separate them now as Trump says that way they won't even be tempted to come over here because they'll know that's going to happen is that what he said? yes, do it that's your thinking that's the definition of terror that's a terrorist activity there are a lot of them yes, if you're if you're a child and you're separated from your mother after being torn out of your house I can't think of much that is more terrifying the act of terror is not to do this to a lot of people but to do it to a few and publicize it to send a message that's what terrorism is right? I don't disagree it's terrifying to do it to a couple and publicize it it's terrifying to do it to a lot and keep it a secret whatever angle they hit it at it's terror as I remember the definition of terrorism it is political violence political violence to make a point and it doesn't have to be 3,000 Americans getting killed at the world trade center which that was terrorism killing and frightening a small group of people to frighten the group they represent sure ICE what they're doing and this was the conversation I had with my mother and my sister today how do you deal with people who work for ICE because you just got back from Dachau and Buchenwald in Auschwitz and you have this amazing series that's in Vice Edelweiss is that's if you're listening Edelweiss you wouldn't have found the music funds okay you describe this German who said I got slaves they gave me slaves I got money and people say with ICE they're just doing their jobs well I can't speak for ICE you've done ICE I've never done ICE I hear they do that in Hawaii the kids in Hawaii do that I've never smoked speed but thank you for bringing it up why'd I get I suppose the way the Germans the Nazis justified killing all these races they considered lesser but to them it was like it was literally extermination they didn't consider them human they consider them vermin and bugs so it wasn't even a question of how could I do this to a fellow human it was these people aren't human so it's the big deal I don't know if ICE has that mindset or if as you say they're doing it for the benefits you know neither option is particularly flattering my question goes back to Muhammad Ali yes if Muhammad Ali could quit boxing and give it all up because of the Vietnam war why can't these 400 pound Neanderthals working at ICE give up their their job and go find some other work they haven't been drafted into that nobody's holding a gun to your head and making you round up undocumented workers this is a choice a job I know there aren't that many good jobs around but at what point do you blame the people on the ground doing the evil thing or the people high up who are ordering them to do the evil thing I literally know no one in ICE I don't know how their minds work or how they justify it but what's pretty clear is that even after that travel ban and the rest of it was pulled back the people from ICE and TSA were just they had a lot of extra ardor that were continuing I mean you talk about Muhammad Ali his son would just stop yeah so I think the answer to your question to get back to that is Muhammad Ali was a pretty exceptional guy and probably the same reason that only he became fucking champion in the way he did is the reason that other people cave and don't achieve that kind of greatness and in fact achieve kind of a spectacular smallness after world war two the Americans and the British decided there would be no such thing as collective guilt I think the Jews cornered the market on that feeling guilty for well it's a lifestyle what is the idea of collective guilt the idea is that the Germans as a collective as a group of people should not be held accountable for the actions it goes beyond that I went to the museum in Nuremberg and what's really fascinating is everybody takes judgment in Nuremberg and they glorify this wonderful national court the fact is after that court went away and disbanded basically a German said like fuck that there are a grand total of I think it's something like 12 or 42 SS men were ever invited of anything of them like maybe one served seven years and a couple did little four-year jolts and that was that the Germans were just not into prosecuting their own on any level and there's great footage of these death camp survivors showing up in court in the same form they were in the camps to protest the fact that nobody was going to enforce any of these laws and nobody was going to pay a price for being guards or SS men out in the world they got to keep the uniforms I think they do and they march about once a year on SS night SS no I'm saying the survivors got to keep their that's a very question I don't know if they got them from a costume store if they saved them I do know just the fun extra fact that when people came to Ellis Island the SS would buy their clothes so that they could use them for Americans trying to go join the resistance and help the natives back in Eastern Europe they would wear actual clothes people who came here fun fact nothing to do with anything Louis B. Mayard wasn't willing to open up the MGM closets or I don't know if they had the scruffiness the wreck with the scruffiness wear and tear and stank wearing them across I mean my father came over in a boat by himself he was 10 and it was such a jarring experience that all he would say is never eat stewed tomatoes again that was like the extent of it that's all I know about the immigrant experience but he was an immigrant that's an easy laugh well that's so what's so great about that is he doesn't tell you why and he just leaves it to your imagination well dad, he was a man of few words I mean that pretty much just says it all really he came over and steered and he wouldn't eat stewed tomatoes that's all they ate sorry the Germans only prosecuted you say around 30 of their own but they have acknowledged their past I mean they make it mandatory that German kids study the holocaust hopefully not have to do another one but it's not a how-to course my son is in Germany right now learning German so what happened voluntarily yeah no he went he graduated and he and his girlfriend decided to move to Germany apparently it's like Prague after the Berlin Wall came down and he's living in Berlin they're in Berlin they're learning he's now fluent in German and if you become fluent in German they will open the doors to you and I didn't know that I sent him an article they rent Jews they rented you did you know about rented you in Germany I'm not making this up they opened a rented you they have a rented you in Germany where do you rent you or dare I ask the Jew will come over and be a Jew for about two hours so that Germans can learn what a Jew is identify one and not be afraid of them I'm not making that up do they also visit them in their natural states like can you go to a Jews home and just watch them stress well they have canned hunting of Jews canned hunting near the Ardenne forest but that's a whole other yeah no really yeah if you google rented you in Germany I'm not making that up well Google rented you sure yeah and you can I'm always looking what is tough I'm always looking for would they rent out of Jews like you need to be a young sturdy Jew to get there is there a senior Jew playing with this that's your next article for vice senior Jews becoming a Jew for rent in Germany sure yeah you have to audition I would say if they do we're screwed yeah I don't think well as my grandfather used to say if you ever forget you're a Jew a Gentile will remind you that was him survivor of the pogroms in Poland okay Dachau, Buchenwald or Auschwitz which of the three really I have to rate the death camp it's a Sophie's choice we can only have one we're gonna destroy Dachau Buchenwald or Auschwitz are you willing to save there are museums this place so it's just like you know, radio museums I think for the sheer all around experience Auschwitz is interesting just because you've got the surrounding town but if you're looking for the Snapbar, Buchenwald really you know they have a real Milanese that I heard of I didn't need I didn't have an appetite but from what I hear they really and Dachau, I mean Dachau's Dachau you have to see Dachau it's hard to pick it's like picking your favorite child you just can't without without hurting the other kids the food go back to the food there really is a Snapbar yes there are Snapbars and not the Snapbars but great gift shops or Snow Globe I don't know it would probably be some form of flakes flakes but I don't know if they actually managed to scrape up some human skin from back in the day I don't know but I didn't see Snow Globes I would have snapped them up though you know you hate to weigh down your luggage but yeah the guy in Auschwitz told me it was for I will say it was for a non-profit I don't know he had a very thick accent and I couldn't tell he might have been saying non-profit are there t-shirts oh yeah there's t-shirts posters I have a couple of never again refrigerator magnets that's I'm looking at one now seriously why would I make this up man this is all yeah I have one it says Auschwitz it's got it's a picture of you know Albrecht Albrecht Mock Frey I forget my butchering the German language work is freedom yeah it says Auschwitz German concentration camp there's a nice picture of the gate and a couple of the torture buildings let's keep it on the fridge now Arbett Mock Frey work is freedom that got stolen do you know about this yeah they brought it back right yeah do you know oddly enough on I think it's a back hour book they have another slogan which I can't do in German but it translates to roughly every man gets what he deserves which is even more chilling wow but that's another bit of German that I can't recall because I don't speak German I only know what phrase in German do you know that one that means on your knees you're in Germany and you still need to march that out think of me the story of Snow White at Auschwitz do you know that the story I do not know the story of Snow White at Auschwitz I should be interviewing you well we're gonna take a break let's take a break and when we come back we're gonna talk about Snow White at Auschwitz we'll be back after this you don't want to know we're back I can't believe we're back you know what it is Jerry when you talk about the Holocaust time just flies Snow White at Auschwitz Art Babbit was one of the original wise men of the Disney Studios he unionized the studios and got fired I know his daughter Karen Babbit Art Babbit's second wife survived because she painted for Mengele at Auschwitz she would paint all the races that he was going to exterminate they needed a permanent record sure yeah and she painted every race and creed for Mengele as a permanent record to keep the kids happy at Auschwitz she painted Disney characters on the walls no kid the beautiful story yes and then Art Babbit her father when she came to America she became an illustrator and Art Babbit fell in love with her her artwork belongs to Auschwitz and I had Karen on the show maybe five years ago before her mother passed away they were trying to retrieve the artwork that she had done for Mengele and I didn't see it when I was there they must keep it hidden somewhere I missed the Disney wing from what I understand Disney himself would have sent oh yeah he was a bit of an anti-Semite from what I've read one of the Sherman sons on from Disney and they claim why don't we explain to the audience who the Sherman's are the Sherman brothers wrote SupercalifragilisticXPL they wrote all the music and there's a documentary about the Sherman brothers they claim that he wasn't at all an anti-Semite but that's not the point I'm making so five years ago I had Karen Babbit on who's a comedian and her father was Art Babbit before her mother died she wanted the museum at Auschwitz to return her artwork that she did for Mengele for reasons that I don't quite understand but they were for moral reasons it was bought they wouldn't give it up for moral reasons Karen's mother who's passed on wanted those paintings back don't blame her yes and so the museum said we are not going to return them they belong to Auschwitz this is what Karen said on my show and this is why I believe in God or a universe Karen said on the show that Auschwitz said if we return your paintings then everybody everybody is going to come after us and want things back from Auschwitz including the welding company that made Arbitmacht Frey the work is freedom the big yeah the big steel sign that said Arbitmacht Frey on the gates of Auschwitz a year later somebody stole the Arbitmacht Frey steelwork yeah so it all worked out it all works out how do you know there is no justice is that if you drive through Austria you know Mengele came from a big farming they made industrial farm equipment like John Deere and you can see these tractors all over Austria with Mengele on the side which is a bit disconcerting I think they changed we talked about this on the show the sun inherited the Mengele culture they were he didn't like his dad's politics I'm sorry? he didn't like his dad's politics but he did give him money they were visiting him in Central America that he was profiting from Mengele agricultural equipment I think they may have changed the name so yeah I hope so but you know can't be Mengele's son I mean that's gotta be rough cause it's a big shoes to stole thank god he wasn't a twin exactly yeah alright let's get serious that may be the funniest thing you've ever said let's get serious I don't know if your audience got the twin reference just willing he was obsessed with twins that's why enough of this lighthearted talk enough holocaust banter David T you were telling me you were telling me you were telling me that you were working on a Hollywood project while you so what happened? well I among other things which is not in the article but will be in the book as lives occasionally do mine was imploding a bit I had sold my previous book called OG Dad called OG Dad which happens when you don't die young which was about being a father late in life it was like 110 and I had a child a second daughter and long story short ABC god bless them the network just snapped it right off the market perhaps without reading the book and they were like it was a very dark fucked up book and at one point I started getting these emails I was literally crematory at Auschwitz getting texts like can you make Jerry less creepy and so that was a point I had in my head for all executives from ABC and so that was happening as I was already feeling great about myself for being on a tour bus 10 hours a day with Midwestern living holocaust so it was literally a package tour in every sense of the word you've written permanent midnight you've written perva love story plain clothes naked eye fatty about fatty art buckle painkillers bad sex on speed happy mutant baby pills short stories love yes you've written dr caligari and bad boys too the bleeder nightdreams cafe flesh you are a right tour what is your discipline with writing what do you I'm very disciplined I have the ability to make my life so miserable that the only relief is writing and that takes a lot of discipline and what is you can tell me you can start a reality where the only thing that will relieve the torment of your little existence is writing the only thing harder than the only thing harder than writing is not writing so that's that's my discipline I operate on sheer terror David I hope that helps some of the kids who want to be writers how does your day start I just leave out a bed do a little jig delight to be alive for another day and then I pee about 13 or 14 times because you know I'm an older gentleman and then by then it's noon and then I get cracking you know then I start work and then I get up I pee again and then you know it depends I do not have an office I'm not an office guy but you know I was recently working in a writer's room and I love that I was on this showtime project which may or may not proceed and I spent my whole life avoiding going to an office I don't know about you but once I actually started working with a bunch of writers in a room I kind of loved it just sitting around shooting a shit with a bunch of funny guys and it's like wow 20 years with my head up my ass trying to write massively non-selling novels why? you know so now I'm in the entertainment section of my existence yeah but your writing is incredible by yourself well thank you so much man very big in frame how do you measure a day in terms of writing what is a successful day well I got you know I'm always working on throws there's a great writer named Harry Cruz a southern guy who recently died and basically if you can get 300 words a day you're good to fuck off the rest of the day in terms of the novel but so I always like to get at least 300 words down the road with whatever throws I'm working on and then I'm usually working on some Hollywood stuff to pay for the privilege of writing books it's very expensive have it much pricier than heroin and so that you know I jumped into the show business stuff so does that make any sense? so at the end of the day I just hate yourself a little less leaving than coming in that's a good day where's your best hour I have a theory that writers have one great hour per day that's my theory well I'm your writer I write jokes you're such a modest guy and you're a personality you're a radio person I interview Ralph Nader every week give me a break my best hour is generally the one where I think I'm going to go to sleep and then I decide to get a bunch of ideas and then I stay up till 4 in the morning those are generally good hours they ruin you for the next day but they're good hours in terms of creativity I can't write and do business like if I have to take a phone call or have a meeting I'm done I have to go into a very weird or not so weird kind of place I hate the word zone but I definitely get very far up my own ass before I can start to write you know for me like I used to write with Harold and it would make me forget there was no net because writing is like you're on a trapeze and Harold would make you forget there's no net and now for me to get to that place I just sort of have to work up some kind of righteous anger to the point where I don't give a shit if it's good or bad it's kind of wail because I think the reason most people know white is they're afraid of looking stupid you have to get beyond that does that do at all? yeah and how do you know if it's good or bad? that happens for me late at night that happens for me late at night how do you know if it's good or bad? you don't who tells you? nobody can tell you if they tell you it's good you don't believe them if they tell you it's bad you say I know you kind of know you know if you the great Bruce J. Friedman is a wonderful New York writer I did interviews once in a while for this magazine and I met him transatlantic he told me if you write a sentence that makes you squirm keep going so that's sort of my dictate I've been like squirming out for 30 fucking years what does that mean? it means if you write a sentence that makes you uncomfortable and you think maybe I shouldn't say that or maybe that reveals too much about me you've hit something good and keep going if you scare yourself it's a screaming J. Hawkins very if you scare yourself you're doing a good job and a perfect day for Jerry Stahl a well balanced a well balanced day for Jerry Stahl I don't know that I'm having a well balanced guy I'll either fuck off all day or I'll work like 27 hours a day I'm not a very like I love these guys when they do the dick nicks and they get their legal pad and put the tie on I sort of have to stagger into work and stagger out again some days I don't and some days that's all I do I'm not the picture of discipline so there's no there's no agenda you don't start the day with an agenda well if I have a deadline if I have an overt deadline somebody's breathing down my throat then I just jump in it I think the greatest hours for me are the ones before you talk and sort of before you sleep in the middle of the day not so great but the tail end in the very very beginning particularly before you speak I think you're very very good because after that there's a whole like phone calls checking to see what nightmarish bullshit happen in the world you know it's just you in your brain and it hasn't been polluted by worrying about life yet wow does that work for you? yeah you've been known to have a bit of an addictive personality is that fair? allegedly do you the internet turned on or turned off do you have the phone on or off how do you fight the temptation to check social media the internet messages and all that stuff email? well it's easy for me because I have a twitter following of like negative 11 I know I'm not like a big internet presence of tried to have websites I always hire ex musicians and like within a year they're taken over by Canadian porn sites so the only thing tempting for me is to see how horrible the world is you know that in the age of Trump I don't know anybody who doesn't struggle with that so you just I just try to hack out my quota before I can indulge you know it's just a form of like torturous masturbation like check on Trump you know your blood what's happening with Trump that's where we're all at alright you gotta come back I gotta hack happy to man we should do that project you were camping me with way back when you big keys or we can write Godwin's law for Dick Wolf Jerry Stahl is an incredible author and comedy writer go to vice.com read the death camp tour his tour from hell a 14 day trip through Dachau, Buchenwald and Auschwitz thank you Jerry thank you David always a pleasure thank you so much for listening if you enjoyed today's show if you learned anything if you laughed please spread this content please put us on stumble upon put us on dig reddit, facebook, twitter be an ambassador let me know that you're spreading the word and I'll thank you personally that's all I'm asking you to do just get the word out about this terrific show and get the word out about my terrific guests go by Jerry Stahl's books and listen to Keith and the girl and listen to Judy Gold's podcast just kill me is what it's called and go see Judy Gold perform and spread the word that's what I'm asking copy and paste the link to the show and just tell people about this and if you tell people tell me that you told people and I'll thank you I made some Danny Thomas jokes on a radio show the other day and for that reason I'm urging all of you to give to St. Jude's it's the promise I made to myself that if I ever made a Danny Thomas joke I would tell people to give to St. Jude's so please give to St. Jude's it's been vetted by the smartest people in America every penny you give goes to the people who need it and they turn nobody away give money to St. Jude's if you enjoy today's show please give money to St. Jude's from the show Briss Studios downtown Manhattan that'll do it for us