 created by Cy Howard, with Mary Schiff as Kay, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma. Kay Foster, and I live with Irma Peterson, who can best be described as an abandoned automobile. Why do I say it's abandoned? Well, the body's there, and it's beautiful, and it gets around alright, but the things that happen to it make you wonder if there's anyone behind the wheel. Would you like an example? Okay. The other night I was reading an article about the canneries in Seattle, and I said to Irma, did you know that one fish makes 12 cans of salmon? He does! Imagine what he could make if he worked overtime! In the subway, amidst the rush and bustle of the fast-moving crowds, through the roar and din of the machine age. Yes, and Irma's the victim of the machine age, because there she stands at the foot of the stairs, putting a penny in the gum machine, the peanut machine, the candy machine. She's gone over to the weighing machine. Well, this I don't get. Most people stand on the scale, but she's sitting on it. Honey, what's the idea? Well, I'm trying to reduce, so I want to see what my hips weigh. Irma Peterson, stand up. People are watching you. Oh, here comes the train. Wait till I get the little car! Alright, you can read it on the train. You made it. Well, Irma, what did your car say, huh? Well, my weight is the same, and they guessed right at my fortune, too. They did? Yes, it says, you are gifted with great intelligence. Too bad you weren't home when it came. Let me see the card, honey. Hmm. Oh, I see. This card's for Capricorn people. You were born in June. You're a Gemini. I couldn't be gay. My parents came from Sweden. Oh, no, dear. Gemini is a sign of the zodiac. It means the twins. Twins? Well, what do you know? Hey, I'd better write to my mother. Why? One of us is missing. I know, dear. Oh, look, we'll take this up some other time. This is where I get off. If you want to learn about the zodiac, stop at the newsstand and buy a horoscope magazine. Oh, I sure will, Kate. I think no matter how smart a person is, I can always learn a little more. Peterson, what in the world is the idea of ending all my letters with the respectfully yours, Mr. Clyde the Bull? What the heck are you born under? Never mind what sign I was born under. If you don't stop this nonsense, you will die under the sign of Milton J. Clyde, Attorney-at-Law. Look, Peterson, throw that trashy book out the window. It's not trashy. This book is all about astrology, and it's given me a new outlook on life. What do you mean? Well, according to my chart, I'm a very responsible person, and I should be entrusted with important things. Ms. Peterson, I wouldn't trust you to jump out of the window. You'd probably land on somebody and kill them. You're the only girl I know who licks a stamp on the wrong side because you don't like the taste of glue. If you, because it says here, Yemeni people should never argue with our interiors. So here it is. That's okay. First people never raise their voice. You do what the book says. What? Give you responsibility while I'll be out of my mind. Now look, Ms. Peterson, I've got to get ready for that trip to Washington. Let me see the affidavits, briefcase. Where's the police that was under my desk? Well, I sent it to the hotel you're stopping at in Washington. But I hadn't packed my clothes in it yet. Oh, you idiot, I'm going to have to get another bag. Where are the train tickets? I put them in the police for safekeeping. All right, Ms. Peterson, you want responsibility? Oh, yes, Mr. Kite. Well, I'm giving it to you. I'm leaving here. And if you read in the paper that I've thrown myself off the Washington Monument, it's your responsibility. Goodbye, Yemeni. Any back from work so early? Irma, say something. I'm sorry, Kay. Yemeni people aren't very talkative. I started you on that horoscope kick. Irma, watch out for those papers on the table. Jesus, place looks like an office. What are you doing? Oh, I'm doing a little extra work for Richard. Your boss is always giving you extra things to do. That's not fair. Not fair? No, my horoscope says I can be trusted that I'm dependable, and yet nobody depends on me. And if you were a true friend, you would depend on me. Honey, I tried to depend on you. Last night I wanted to make some chicken fricassees, so I sent you to the butcher to buy a half-dozen drumsticks. What happened? Okay, I looked in the window and honestly didn't have any six-legged chickens. And what about this morning? Well, you told me to let the tub run, but I didn't say forever. That's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Kay and Irma, my two little chocolate bars, one plain and the other nuts. Oh, Professor. I didn't joke to cheer me up. Oh, what am I going to do, girls? I'm out of my mind. Well, what's wrong? Mrs. O'Reilly is studying opera. Oh, no. How does she sound? The only way I can describe it is to tell you that if she sang during the war, more people would have volunteered for overseas durings. You circle. It's not even what you hear in a well-run barn. What are you mumbling about? Look, Mrs. O'Reilly, if you have to sing, can't you at least sing softly like maybe lock yourself up in a closet? I don't see why to be able to sing is a great gift. And if something one shouldn't keep to themselves, it's like a ray of sunshine. It should be spread around. Well, you don't have to do it with your voice. You've already done it with your figure. Now, wait a minute, you obnitiated mongoes. Oh, great. I'll have you over. All right, you can yell at me. Now, wait, the two of you, you're contradicting the stars. The stars? What are you talking about, Irma? Well, you're a Sagittarius, the archer, and Mrs. O'Reilly is Capricorn the goat. That I know. Well, Capricorn's Sagittarius people are attracted to each other and make the most successful marriages. They do? Let me see the book, Irma. Here. Sagittarius and Capricorn people make a perfect match. Let me tell you something. There's more heat in a dead glow worm. See, tonight should be very favorable for Sagittarius and Capricorn people because there's going to be a full moon. Well, Professor, aren't you going to take advantage of it? I certainly am. With the moon coming through the hole in my ceiling, I'll be able to read tonight. It's so hard to get. I'll go down to the room and wait for him. Well, how do you know he'll be there? When I cook lunch for him today, he'll be down to ask for some bike covetage. He's still got her head in the stars. In fact, she's been reading that hard-stoke book all day. Okay, this is interesting. What? My father was a bull and my mother was a crab. It is. Look, honey, I don't mind you being interested in astrology, but don't go to extremes. Okay, I believe everything this book says, especially the part that says I can handle responsibility. Come in. Hi, Adalphe. Hello, Kay. Hi. Hello, fish. Fish? Yes, Joe. Your Pisces, the fish. Now, beautiful. You don't have to call me a fish just because I once borrowed a fin from you. Joe, that is not a Zodiac. You're Joe. Or I must spend a dollar for a book on astrology and there's just no living with her. Astrology? That's pretty interesting. Zalphe, see what the book says about me. I'll tell you whether it's on the level. Oh, now let me see. Well, here it is. Pisces men are honest, hard-working and ambitious. But well spent. If you can sell it for a dime, grab it. No, no, Kay. Now, I still believe the part about myself. All I need is a chance to show it. Hello. Who? Miss Peterson? Yes, Hermes for you. Oh, thanks, Kay. Hello? I was right away. Say, honey, come and roll. I don't know, Kay, but I better hurry over there right away. Beautiful. If you did anything to jeopardize our livelihood by losing your job. Oh. Remember, Irma, you just bought that genuine mink stole on credit and it would break my heart if the man came and took all those rabbits back. Aww. Please, both of you. Now, let's see. My lipstick, my eyebrow pencil, my comb, my wallet, the dress book, my scissors. Now, how am I going to carry all these things? Do you mean how? Aren't you going to carry your purse? A bag? No, I can't. The book says, Germany people like to take things in their own hands. Mrs. Clyde sent for me. Oh. Oh, please come in. Would you mind waiting in the library? I'd like to, but I haven't got a card. It's 30th. Oh, you're vigorous. Then I should be very popular at garden parties. Irma, you couldn't possibly mean Virgo. Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant to say. You know, I'm Germany. Where's the bull? The bull? Yes, your husband. He's Taurus, the bull. Oh. Mr. Clyde is ill. The doctor's with him now. He'll see you as soon as the doctor leaves. Oh, Mrs. Clyde. You redecorated the house. Just a little. Oh, God. Hey, what kind of candlesticks are these? Those are old Dresden. Well, with prices so high, I guess one has to buy something secondhand. Painting over the fireplace. Is that a family portrait? That's the full horseman of the apocalypse. Oh, all it's nice to have relatives who ride. All right, Mrs. Clyde. I'll drop in again in the morning. Good day. Goodbye, doctor. You may go in, Miss Peterson. The first rule to the right. Oh, thank you. And beyond your guard, Mrs. Clyde, the book says you'll have a very exasperating visitor today. Now, she tells me. Sleep with a bonnet like that? Mr. Peterson, I can't go to Washington. Beside myself, you're the only one who can possibly understand these notes. The notes you've transcribed for me. Yes. I want you to fly to Washington and deliver them to the Pentagon duty. Oh, boy, I'll be glad to, Mr. Clyde. This is a great day for Germany people, and I'll show you I can be as responsible as the book says. Well, I certainly hope so because it's a very important matter. You can stop by at the office and pick up your plane there. Oh, don't worry about me, Mr. Clyde. Just take care of yourself. Uh, can I do anything before I go? No, thank you. Oh, yes, yes. You read the label on that medicine bottle and pour a dose in that glass of water. Would you please? All right. What's the matter? Oh, there. Drink it down. Thank you. Goodness, never tasted so strong before. How much did you put in there? Six tablespoons. Six is one tablespoon three times a day. I know, but I won't be here for two days so I want to make sure you get it. Yeah. I'll face this as the opportunity I've been waiting for. What do you mean, Joe? I want you to discuss me with the secretary of labor. Joe, will you please stop with your cheap chiseling tactics? Irma's going to Washington for Mr. Clyde and nothing else. Come on, honey. I'll help you pack. All right, Kate. Boy, am I excited. Gee, I knew the stars were in my favor. Yeah, so, you know, let's see. You better take some warm clothes. It's just as cold there. Yeah, and don't let me forget this map in case I get lost in Washington. But, honey, that's a street map of New York City. I know, but if I get lost, I'd like to be in a neighborhood I'm familiar with. Thank you for calling us again. Sagittarius and the old goat. You're not good. Irma's going to Washington for Mr. Clyde. Mr. Clyde? I can't believe it. Could this be the same Mr. Clyde that always makes you take a three-cent stamp to the post office as a sample so you won't bring back the wrong kind? Yeah, but not anymore. You all tried to give me an interiority complex. Well, everything has changed because the stars are in my favor. Neptune is closer to Venus and Juniper has entered the first house of McCuric Chrome. I think Kinsey should investigate this whole thing. Some things will be different. You've all treated me like a baby, but now I'm old enough to change myself. I've struggled with this turn of events. It's just still a little hard to believe. Funny, the book prophesied everything just as it happened. If it's right about Irma, maybe it's right about the part where Sagittarius and Capricorn make the best marriages. You agree, Professor? Mrs. O'Reilly, the only way a book would make me propose to you would be for the dictionary to follow my head and knock me unconscious. Oh, Professor, you're making a mistake. Remember, you all laughed at me. Yeah, but Irma, you haven't come back from Washington yet. How do we know what will happen down there? And what if Irma proves she's a responsible person? Then would you believe the part about you and me? Well, in that case, being a gypsy and a little superstitious by nature, I would have to agree that the book was right and that maybe Sagittarius should ask Capricorn to become Mrs. Sagittarius. Oh, lucky poops! You're as good as married. I'll call you as soon as I finish my business in Washington. Honey, don't you think you better get started. You don't have too much time. All right, Kay. I sure wish you could go with me. Well, so do I, but maybe the experience of going alone will be good for you. I guess so. I'll bring you back a gift. Maybe a box of Martha Washington candy. And if the story isn't crowded, I'll ask Martha to autograph it for you. It's been two days. You'd think she'd at least call us, postcard. Gee, I'm going out of my mind. Come in. Mr. Clyde, I thought you were sick. I am, but I couldn't stay in bed with Washington calling me every hour. Where is Miss Peterson? I don't know. Well, Mr. Clyde, why did you send her? Besides being an idiot, I was desperate. She was responsible. You know how a woman can talk into things. I know how they can cry. Don't lie, Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh, be still. I haven't given up the ship yet. I can't understand it. She said she'd go to the airport and take a plane to Washington. Now what could have happened? Tell me where the Pentagon building is. Sorry, never heard of it. You never heard of it? Oh, dear. You know, I've asked 10 person and no one knows. Do you mind if I use your phone? Yeah, go right ahead. OK. You don't know, but it's three blocks from the Pacific Ocean down to Washington. And Gemini has flown in from the other Washington. Right now, I'm looking through the astrology book trying to find out how people born in the month of May can get their jobs back. I just don't see how she does these things. Really, I don't. In the first place, I just can't understand how she can sit there so unconcerned about the whole thing. Honey, aren't you worried about your job? No. No, not at all. Why not? Well, the book says Mars is in conjunction with Juniper, and Saturn is in a straight line with McCure Chrome, which makes things very favorable for Venus. Venus? What's Venus got to do with it? Well, if a girl without arms can get a job, I certainly can. One has a job to do. And me, Kay Foster, my job is to keep in my right mind as I continue living with my friend Earth. I came to you through the worldwide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.