 يسمى الله الرحمن الرحيم السلام عليكم وأرحمة الله وبركارتو Conferring to brothers, sisters and viewers Before we begin tonight's show We'd first like to send our deepest condolences to the Imam of our time on the mark of Imam al-Ju'ad Now for those who are tuning in to today's show on Friday's show we discussed the topic of spouse selection and marriage And inshaAllah tonight will be a continuation from that going through some of your questions لكي يجب أن نبدأ بشكل أكثر من الأشياء التي نتحدث إن شاء الله السلام عليكم سيدنا شكراً لكم وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله نحن نتحدث في حالة قديمة نجد أو تأكيد أصدقائنا وعلى ذلك لدينا سؤال that's come in that says أنا أعجب للمسلمة ويجب أن نكون جداً هل هناك أي طريقة لكي يمكنني أن أجدهم؟ إذا لماذا تتكلم؟ بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم when it comes to the question of whether a Muslim woman can marry a non-muslim man First and foremost let's make Clear no way is the answer to this question a disrespect to people of other religions at all there are people out there of other religions who are the most trustworthy the most dignified the most respectful these religions are the most dignified the most respectful even if we were to say the father would not have more say than the mother let's say the mother has more knowledge on religion than the father there's still going to be disagreements occurring over which religion for the children to follow therefore that person who has met someone at work who they may say that person who i've met is a wonderful person there is no harm discussing with them the religion of islam as in if i for example have a sister who comes to me and says that i'm a muslim and i've met a christian at work who's a wonderful human being and the quran mentions to us in chapter 5 verse 82 that the christians are the closest to us as the quran states you'll find the closest people to you in reciprocal love means two sided two way love are the christians because from amongst them there are priests and there are monks who are humble human beings there is no denying that that person may be a wonderful person but also when you're in a relationship with them where you feel this could go further why not bring them to the mosque let them openly discuss christ and their opinion on christ our opinion on christ let them discuss their understanding of the quran maybe they have misconceptions about the religion of islam so while in islamic law a muslim woman may not be allowed to marry a non-muslim man that does not mean that we cannot have an open discussion with that person who you feel is a wonderful human being so that there could be a possibility of them coming towards the religion of islam i've seen many cases where muslim woman have met non-muslims at work at university for example and they told them that legally there is no chance for us to be married unless you revert some of those may have reverted simply to get married there's no problem there at all you are no one to judge if a person has reverted simply to get married and they've recited the shahada the rest is between them and god but one thing i have found is that if you're going to tell that person to revert so that your father accepts that person for giving you a hand away don't be a hypocrite when you're now living with that person because there are certain muslim women who told their their future partners you have to revert my dad's never gonna accept you never gonna accept you unless you revert that person reverts and then notices she doesn't pray notices she may not fast notices she hardly goes to the mosque and then that person turns around and has every right to say why did you make me join a religion which you're not so passionate about so while in islamic law it is prohibited for a muslim woman to marry a non-muslim man this does not mean that we cannot build towards a relationship somehow where theologically we can come into agreement with one another so another similar question to that i guess which is closer to home if anything is come in from ashia brother he says he's interested in marrying a Hanafi sister is this possible once again there's there's an overlap in the answer what's the overlap you've got to be practical in looking at the future of the children and what path those children are going to adopt marriage in itself is going to bring a number of tests a number of questions a number of debates at home let alone if one of you ادمية certain personalities that others don't practices certain practices that the other side doesn't in islam and when you come to studying islamic law anyone who says believes in the oneness of god believes in the finality of the prophet to the prophet محمد peace be upon his family that person you're able to marry however on the practical level do these people agree with your theological principles if you say well let's agree to disagree so when the children grow up which concept are you going to take if that person completely rejects the concept that you completely believe in or that person admires a particular ruling authority and you completely detest that ruling authority in islamic history or that person for example you want to take your children to the mosque in محرام to listen to the majalis the lectures on Imam al-Hussain and what happened at كربلا and lectures on the Quran but that person may come from a particular ideology that says don't look back and discuss these things because these cause fitna therefore if the person is asking me that they are a sheeha and they want to they are جعفر and they want to marry a hanafi in islamic law this is permissible however on the practical level a person has to ask practically and that's why what i advise is if the two of them do want to get married to one another before you get married go and visit the respective scholars of your community so that that hanafi sister knows what that shea believes in its entirety don't tell me that you both enjoy eid and you love ramadan that's that's neither here nor there i don't deny yes quran is the same the qiblah is the same hajj is the same fasting the holy month of ramadan these things are important and there's a lot of similarities however there are also differences if you are able to accept these differences knowing all of them knowing that for example the sheeha are those who for example moon imam al-khussein and that you are ready to attend the lectures every night and that you are ready to be alongside the revival of the practices related to imam al-khussein and that you are ready to accept your sons being named after certain personalities and definitely not being named after others for example and you're able to accept that there is a possibility that your children will have to pray in a certain room and so on if you're able to accept all of these things then why not but don't come three four years down the line in the marriage and say i didn't know about you this you didn't tell me you guys believed in this the number of sheeha sunni marriages which have been successful can be seen but there's a number of sheeha sunni marriages which have been unsuccessful and sadly the divorce is a divorce which involves children so i believe that there should be a course which is held just before the two get married where they're open about everything they believe in and then after that they can make their decision because another the point is going on places like ziyarat for example like you mentioned they might go on hajj but to visit some of these holy sites one sect believes it's bit or fitna the other sect actually believes they can take her you know have their daughters answered for example from there some people who aren't fortunate enough to meet their spouses at work or at university often get pushed into these arranged marriages for example we have in some asian communities in villages where people might be arranged to marry someone they've never met before what does islam say about that it's very sad when i hear that in parts of india parts of africa and parts of Iraq and parts of Afghanistan it's very sad when you hear that there are girls who are arranged to marry someone they've not met someone they may not even desire and someone they probably will not be able to communicate with until the wedding night i'm not gonna deny that there was a generation which may have involved our parents generation whereas much as you got was a photo you said yes and then you see what happens with that person in the hope that you can build the future but if you're looking at islamic history and you're looking at islamic ethics there is no doubt that the prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and his family and the prophets who have come before him are involved in a dialogue with their daughters when someone has come to propose or if they want to take a proposal forward because you know in islam the culture may either dictate that the man goes to propose for a girl or there may be a situation where a girl asks her father to go and propose for somebody in the quran say جابر let me ask you where in the quran is there a father who goes to propose on behalf of his daughter or daughters to a particular prophet of god who his daughters have just met who helped them take some water out of a well when there was a group of men surrounding that well let's see if you know the answer موسى عليه السلام well done i got you out of that one موسى عليه السلام and نبي شعيب نبي شعيب his daughters when they returned back having seen نبي موسى عليه السلام is a respectable figure upon their return one of them has asked their father that we have found the man as someone who is strong he helped get the water out and someone who is trustworthy trustworthy in the sense that that person when we walk back home that person didn't go overboard in his conversation with us rather that person was respectful in the way that he spoke to us the quran mentions in chapter 28 from about verse 20 onwards that نبي شعيب عليه السلام having had that dialogue with his daughter sees that his daughter has an interest in this person he doesn't tell her you are going to have to marry your cousin and you have no choice whatsoever and if you don't will pour acid on your face will burn you will kill you you know there are parts of Pakistan and parts of Afghanistan and parts of Iraq and parts of Africa and parts of India where the girl is told that if she does not marry that particular cousin who's been chosen for her then that's it that girl is in trouble she will possibly be excommunicated if not killed نبي شعيب عليه السلام in the quran اسلام wanted to make a clear point that there's a dialogue which takes place يمام الصادق عليه السلام says the right of your daughter the right of your children's that you engage in dialogue with them he has a dialogue with his daughter he could see that his daughter has an interest not that i'm gonna force her to marry mosa no clearly there's an interest when he sees that there's a clear interest from his daughter what does he do take the proposal what does he say على ان تقجرني ثماني حجج he says i want you if you don't mind to marry this one daughter of mine and as part of the dowry eight years work for us so you find here that نبي شعيب عليه السلام witnesses that why not take a proposal from my daughter towards someone you know normally in our communities you'll have people say never they've got to come to us we'll never go to them they have to beg us now نبي شعيب highlighted that listen you find someone who's a catch don't sit back and say you have to wait take the proposal and see what happens on the other hand you find the Holy Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him and his family when it came to his beloved daughter فاتمة's marriage he said you know what فاتمة you have to marry so and so you have no choice the Arabs used to give their daughters a way to whoever was paying the highest dowry it wasn't a matter of whoever she wanted to be with or whoever she loved it was a matter of who is paying the highest dowry that was their concern and what you find is that the Holy Prophet peace be upon him his family sees that there's a number of people who come to propose when you have some media outlet saying Islam the religion where you're forced to marry someone the man himself who is seen as the head of the religion of Islam who god reveals his final word to does not tell his daughter that you've got to marry ابو بكر when ابو بكر proposes or عمر when عمر proposes when عليبنا بيطالب عليه السلام proposes to فاتمة الزهراء عليه السلام the Holy Prophet makes it clear I will go and ask فاتمة let's see what فاتمة wants and her silence was her approval therefore you find that those who are forced into arranged marriages this is the biggest oppression that can take place sometimes in our communities people imagine that when two people get married who hither to that point did not know each other that's arranged no on the contrary you may find someone in the community who can arrange for the two of you to get to know each other there's a difference between arranging a meeting between two people and arranging or forcing two people to get married to one another so the following one from Prophet Muhammad عليه السلام how was his marriage built or arranged with as a تخديجة سلام الله عليه وسلم well with their relationship he of course works with her and it's beautiful because he works for this woman who no doubt has a has a fundamental position in early islamic history she's got these wonderful names already in early islam she's known as اطاهرة the pure lady she's known as اميرة قريش you know the the lady who was seen as the princess for example of of of of قريش and everybody reveres her everyone's revered her father خوالد these are all families who are known as حنيف they've stayed on the abrahamic part they've never disobeyed in the sense that they've never worshipped an idol or ever been affected by حيث and he works for her and when he works for her he's still this young man in his mid 20s who's still humbled and owed by her presence and at the beginning when he's told to propose for her and when she's told about him both of them their answers are the answers of humility this is sometimes you could turn around and say who's this person to come and propose for me or who does this person حيث they think they can have a chance in marrying me the holy prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family seen as the absolute embodiment of of of knowledge and absolute embodiment of humility and it can be seen in these moments because he doesn't see himself as being oh i can marry her easily you know just i'll point my finger and she'll marry me on the contrary you find that there are matchmakers involved there's the ladies who work alongside her there's Abu Talib عليه السلام on on on his side and and they don't shy away from telling each of them what you guys waiting for and sometimes those matchmakers you need them you need their push so with the prophet and say to khadija wasn't the prophet Muhammad directly going to her one day and saying i want to propose for you but rather there were people who were around who begin to institute what later becomes an extremely wonderful act of piety which brings upon الله's mercy and that's bringing two people together we underestimate how much reward there is in the traditions of the أهل البيت عليه السلام for those who bring two people together in marriage from the rewards of heaven being guaranteed for them to the rewards that الله's mercy depends on that person to the rewards that the angels seek forgiveness on behalf of a person who brings a couple together and gets them married so you find with the holy prophet peace be upon his family and say to khadija there were a number of people around them who were involved in matchmaking and bringing them together so in terms of matchmaking then how far can you go to make sure a marriage happens because i've heard for example with ghiba's obviously haram and not recommended to do but if someone comes and asks you about a specific person that they're interested in marrying you can almost be an open book about them what does islam allow you to do with matchmaking how far can one go in that sort of situation well i don't think matchmaking is only about giving references for people matchmaking is also an awareness of those in the community who may be single those who may be divorced those who may be widowed from the male and the female side and are looking to get married so the first step is building a database of people in the community and a database of confidentiality that whoever's gonna run the matchmaking site or the matchmaking group in the mosque has to be someone who is known to be a person who can keep the people's secrets because this is the people's private lives they've already probably been through an extremely sensitive time either not getting married which for some of them is so difficult to take understandably or a very difficult time for example after a divorce or after the loss of a husband or a wife so the first thing is to get this database of people who can trust you you trust them then to get three four members of the community who you know very well can work alongside you because they are people of very renowned social circles that's an area which is fundamental that we have people in our communities who don't realize just how many friends they have they may have so many friends out there and they may know that this person's looking for a wife that person's looking for a husband you know what let's try and bring the two of them together now how do you bring the two of them together that's the third area maybe you you pick the house of the one who has collected this database in confidentiality and maybe five six ten fifteen people come together and if you for example click with someone then you may mention for example that there may be number tags and things like this and i know some people laugh at these things and some people say well you know what i don't need to go through this process you may be fortunate to be part of a community where you're surrounded by people who are lovers of أهل البيت let's say there are certain people who belong to communities made up of 10 15 30 40 people the father for example had to move to get a job somewhere in the middle of nowhere they bought a few عراقهs like قبلة باكستانيا if you're Iranian Lebanese Afghani reverse this India they bought them together they made an حسيني they made a jam of 40 people 50 people you're not gonna find all of a sudden for your three daughters three guys if you're if you're fortunate it's very rare so you need this database now whether it's online whether it's face to face it is an act of piety and it should be done and i sincerely believe in these things such as the speed dating you know if a person is able to organize a program where people can come together you talk to each other you know five minutes 10 minutes is there a click there isn't a click you move on and so on why not introduce more and more people together bring people from different cultures and different backgrounds if there is someone out there who says for example why you say the traditions say that God's mercy descends on the one who brings two people together if they say to you okay the أهل البيت عليم السلام did anyone seek a matchmaker from them it's an interesting question if you look at the أهل البيت عليم السلام i would say إمام عليبنا بطاب عليه السلام one of his marriages was matchmade i would say أبل فضل عباس عليه السلام's marriage to اللبابه was matchmade i would say إمام الحسين's marriage to شاربانه was matchmade either they use the إمام present in their time أبل فضل with his brother إمام الحسين with his father or إمام الحسين uses his own رضة عقيل when إمام الحسين when إمام إمام عمير المؤمن عليه السلام sees that Fatima Tezahra has passed away and he sees for example that he's got these orphans at home they're young and he wants to marry someone he marries a smart man for example he marries خولة بن جعفر she gives him محمد بن الحنفية but then he asks his brother حقيل حقيل used to know that and صاب the genealogies and he asked his brother حقيل he says to him find me a lady who from her ancestors there are the bravest of warriors i ask you say جابر إمام عليه بن بطالب عليه السلام could not himself just find someone we don't believe إمام is the gate to the city of knowledge he could but then it wouldn't be a lesson for us to do it for him the أهل البيت every aspect of their life is a lesson for us حقيل ستجهم حقيل used to place a like a a match in the mosquow of the holy prophet peace be upon his family in مدينة and people would come and ask him about the different ancestors and so حقيل ستجهم he's set to him give me a month i'll get back to you when he later comes back to him he says to him there's a lady فاطمة بن حزام and this lady her ancestors are the bravest warriors now nobody knows bravery like عليه بن بطالب عليه السلام from a mile away he knows your مرحبس he knows your عمر ابن ود العام ريز you know he's fought some warriors yes he's fought you know he's fought عوطب بن ربيعة and he's fought others of that ilk so he says to him he says to him shall i mention to you the names of some of her ancestors now this is a matchmaker there's also a matchmaker do matchmaker can see someone who's looking to get married asks them the criteria and then after that there's a hope that you're الله bring them together ultimately it's Allah's mercy when two people come together and so you find that he says to him عمر بن صعصع is one of her now عمر بن صعصع as a hobby used to go out in the deserts to look for wild animals me and jew would run away from a wild animal عمر بن صعصع used to go is there any more wild animals that i can go after i don't want to mess with this guy and i certainly don't want to mess with his descendants they says who else he says ملعب الأسنة and when amir al-umni hears these two names he knows yeah her family not to be messed about with and eventually she is known as who عمر منين and she gives him four of the most noble honorable sons any human being can have notice how i put noble and honorable i don't need to always talk about bravery أبل فادل above all else noble is a noble human being people always say أبل فادل sword fight war there are many who achieved swords and fights but not many can go to the euphrates and turn around and say how can i drink the syrup of this cold water while my brother drinks the syrup of death so there exists in our history and that's why when i hear in our communities that there are people who are bringing people together and you hear some people laughing what's this this nonsense they made this app they made this site on the country i have full respect for those i believe that they continue to follow the path of the أهل البيت عليم السلام and trying to bring members of our communities together and you know the way the world of marriage works is unbelievable as in you sometimes imagine well there's only one way and that is for example if my mom knows someone who knows someone then maybe something can happen you know what you may never have imagined that that would be your future partner but then someone told you did you know down the road down the street in this area on this area الله سبحانه وتعالى is the greatest of planners and so let's try and incorporate more of this into our communities إن شاء الله so with with these apps or websites what's the correct way of using them i mean some people might take advantage of such an app حبيبي i don't care who takes advantage none of my business you know you you at the end of the day if you're looking to get hitched here's an option and that it's on an app what you and that person decide to do between each other how it goes where it goes not my responsibility my responsibility was to try and get you two together after that you go have a lunch you go have a coffee go have a dinner you click you see where it goes will it head somewhere it doesn't head somewhere that's between you two all of us have different responsibilities in life all of us have different tests in life which doesn't mean that the couple didn't click it just means that there are certain other issues which led to for example the two of them not necessarily getting on there are some who've tried to work with matchmakers for three four five years on the sixth year they may have met someone who they never dreamed of meeting if you have trust in الله سبحانه وتعالى then there is nothing wrong in using these apps and whatever way you want islam was flexible in the way people get to know each other our culture is what's backward إن شاء الله thank you for tuning into the first part of the show إن شاء الله we'll be back for the second part to discuss more on the topic of marriage and spouse selection we look forward to seeing you after the break السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته اردت أصبحت أخيين والأخيين all come back to the second part of our show tonight where we're discussing part two of the topic of marriage and spouse selection with Dr. سيد ومعنك شواني so before the break we discussed such as intra-religious marriage we talked about matchmaking what's allowed in islam what's not allowed the use of apps for example now let's say two people have come together it's in their engagement period and they are having difficulties of unknown nature for example between themselves they had chemistry but now they don't what would you advise to them in that situation well naturally it could happen and rather happen in the engagement period than after the wedding i think what happens is when there is an issue in the engagement period you both have to look at yourself hard in the mirror and ask yourself the question that are we really suitable for each other are we compatible and do we really want to live the rest of our lives with one another normally the engagement period is seen as the easier period because you're not living under the same roof so it's a bit more flexible those responsibilities haven't just suddenly come upon you but i do believe that there are many people who see problems in the engagement they hope that you know what i think we can make it into the marriage even though they've seen clear issues in the engagement and then they end up with the title of being divorced if you could see that there's a major problem in the engagement and you've worked to try and solve it you don't just give up but you've worked to try and solve it and it still seems to be an issue i think calling it quits in the engagement is a lot different to calling it quits after the wedding and the engagement period you you break up you are engaged and broke but after a wedding you're divorced also there are certain people who get engaged for example in the عراق community some people when they get engaged they do what is known as an أقد or a نكاح that means that when they break up they're divorced what my recommendation is to the communities out there that the engagement period should be a متع agreement a temporary period where for example the guardian of the person who you want to eventually be married to permanently set conditions where you two are able to meet in that period be together but there are certain restrictions that are made you get to know each other in that period in a حلال way because you know you want to get close to someone physically you want to hold their hands you want to hug them you want to for example go out with them and so on naturally you want to make sure that everything is done in the appropriate way there's no physical touch without it being done under a legal contract so my recommendation is that yes you may find community pressures dictate to you that now that you're engaged you have to go the whole way even though you could see problems in the engagement period you have to go the whole way because people will say oh how could you break this engagement and so on if you feel there is an issue in the engagement period which both of you try to resolve and still not resolving ended there and then if however there is an issue and you both feel you could resolve it then try and take an advice from people of wisdom out there who can tell you how to approach these issues in a way where they could be easily resolved there's different types of issues that could come up in the engagement period if in the engagement period you see that your partner for example drinks certain things or smokes certain things then you know that this could be a major issue later on if in the engagement period you're not happy that your partner wears for example tweed suits or you're not happy that your partner's shoes are brown or you're not happy that for example your partner supports a certain football club or something like this these aren't issues to break an engagement over but still i believe that if there is an engagement to be broken it's it's uh easier less than to learn than when breaking a marriage so in the engagement period like you mentioned certain people take part in an decade or doing a card that comes with a mat obviously yes so what kind of mat is acceptable in islam because if you you know certain people think if you place it too low it devalues your daughter if you place it too high if there is genuine problems to get out of and the guy can't afford to pay it back then it's on his neck and he feels like he's somewhat tied to the marriage so what's his slum's outtake on that well حبيبي first and foremost we can't be looking at marriage like it's a transaction between a product at one supermarket to another value this value that stock exchange put this on the market no i know islamic law seems like the whole marriage relationship seems really like a a financial transaction i cannot deny that there's no way you can get around it however the mahar the dowry is something just symbolic it should never be seen as being something where from both sides by the way if it's the mahar of fatwa صهره عليه السلام which is our role model her marriage with imam عليب المطالب is the marriage that we all look up to if they demanded a high mahar then you'd be like what's the philosophy they don't demand a high dowry at all imam عليب المطالب عليه السلام comes with what with a shield and with a sword and with a horse it's all he has but he like the others were firm believers in the verse in the quran chapter 24 verse 32 which states you marry off the signal from amongst you if they are poor الله will make them rich don't go into this thinking you know what let's put a big sum on our daughter because just in case there is a broken relationship we will get that money back first and foremost you're not going to get that money back let me be clear most guys will make it that their bank account doesn't have that money you're not going to get anything back that was a symbolic gesture اهل البيت are saddened if you look at the traditions when someone asks for a high dowry when you hear some communities in the muslim world what was the dowry for your daughter oh i said a hundred thousand dollars i said five hundred thousand dollars million dollars this is this is saddening this is something symbolic and the way some of us have treated it i feel sorry for some people in in arab for example you've had 34 years of war when they want to get married they're told listen pay up ten thousand fifty and thousand dollars and then we'll give you our daughter it's not a sign of a spiritual path rather it's a sign of people who have become just immersed in the fact that give me as much money and that was the exact same time in the days of جاهلية days of جاهلية father-in-law says whoever pays highest we'll get we'll get my daughter because the maharis will go to the father-in-law until the iron صورة النساء was revealed that you've got to give their dowry truthfully and sincerely towards the woman so never should our communities ever reach a stage where they ask for a high dowry or are influenced by members of the family when it comes to dowries and so on إن شاء الله if you're tuning in don't forget that you can actually call in and put your questions direct to doctor said ammar yourselves the number to dial is plus 442035150199 alternatively you can send your messages in via whatsapp or on our facebook page so say it now coming back to wedding ceremonies what's acceptable in terms of wedding ceremonies some people in this day and age for example hold weddings play music have men and women mixed and i know a few of the elder generation who say we don't go to these events because if we go then it's us showing solidarity and conforming to these types of behaviors whereas this as a community we decided to you know almost revolt against these types of things then it will stop happening what's the islamic outlook on wedding ceremonies well it's not it's not easy it's not easy to simply put you know a definition as to what's the ideal wedding there are certainly ways in which we can make the event pleasant on a worldly level and on a spiritual level you see i love when i go to a wedding where for example you hear حديث الكساء being recited you hear the recital of the quran where for example you hear a nice talk being given about the merits of the prophet peace be upon him and his family where you hear poetry about the prophet peace be upon him and his family it may be at a prestigious hotel but being at that prestigious hotel does not necessarily mean that that person is someone who's a worldly person that person on the country has invited the community to share their happiness that person has ensured that for example the quran and the people are remembered on that night now naturally there is a precautionary measure that people want to adopt islamically and that is to make sure that we don't fall into any category where sin can take place at any gathering not just that's a wedding at any gathering a person when they're in charge of that gathering listen i can't help myself if i'm going to a gathering which is dictated by for example other cultures or other countries but when it's my own gathering i can dictate and i should try and make sure that the way i'm planning this wedding we're not going to disobey Allah you know what what saddens me sometimes is for example if there is a wedding let's say and the prayer time comes some people will move and go and pray others will still be immersed on that night chatting laughing joking now there's no harm enjoying yourself that night but don't forget the very reason you're able to breathe that night is the very existence who you should be going to prostrate to right there and then it saddens you when a bride and groom are able to stay up on a wedding night but when it comes to the fedger morning pray they're asleep it saddens you when for example the music which is immoral not all music is that there's classical music out there person complain the background of a wedding for example that's not going to be something that corrupts people there are for example in the sheets of the ahl al-bayt which are in the background of what it's not going to corrupt people there are folk cultural music which is not going to corrupt people but there's no need to bring in music where the language of that music is that which is completely opposite to the teachings of the Quran and the ahl al-bayt at the end of the day your first day getting married you want to make sure is a blessed day now what happens if you are for example at a gathering where all of a sudden you've witnessed the moment or can see that the gathering is heading towards a direction where people may start getting up and dancing in a mixed gathering and so on which is prohibited in islamic law at that moment you excuse yourself but don't excuse yourself you don't have to make a scene when you excuse yourself can politely say that i wish you the best may god's prayer may god be with you our prayers are with you and so on and that's it you can move out there's no harm attending the first part of that wedding as you've received an invite to show your happiness but if you could tell well what's going to happen in the next hour or two is not necessarily that which is reflective of the teachings of ahl al-bayt عليه السلام then you could excuse or so you don't have to be put in a position of pressure that well if you walk out you're seen as being boring or this don't worry about being boring someone most famous people in the school now are the coolest like yourself well yeah i'm a normal guy you know i i'm just a normal guy but i'm sure there are people who may be cooler than me out there maybe so when we're looking at this the religious which remember i said i don't define the religious as those who pray and fast them but those who uphold the moral principles of ahl al-bayt to the best they can they should be seen as role models you don't have to be scared don't think that people are going to look at you in a negative manner but also that is not the time and place to tell people what's right or what's wrong now i know that many times i receive emails i think one of the questions that we received was well my cousin's getting married and her wedding is going to be full of you know dancing and dj's and i think you know these types of things and and so on well if you can go and you know send your salams at the beginning and i don't know they what do they do box gifts not box gifts donation whatever you could give your gift and then after that you can excuse yourself someone says but it's my cousin quran says that i have to show respect to my family members yes if they are obeying الله if there is disobedience to الله سبحانه وتعالى then there is no more in terms of respect in terms of i have to abide by what they're doing no i can excuse myself and say now it becomes a gathering which someone says well you sit in these places say if i sit for example or you sit for example or any of us sit in a shisha camp there's not my control what's happening there for example the moment i realize that it's going to a level which is not acceptable then i have to walk out if i can see for example suddenly a group of dancers have walked in then at that moment i should find a way without causing a scene to excuse myself and walk out but like i said it's the first day of your union and not a day to disobey الله سبحانه وتعالى and also if you can try on that day give a certain amount back towards the poor of the world make it a spiritual day as well don't be overwrought by the fact that i have to be looking a certain way or my only concern is am i in every photo no rather try and be bigger than that and have some class and inshallah brilliant timing we have a caller on the line say it in a as-salamu alaykum as-salamu alaykum سلامu alaykum i think we're having some technical issues we'll get them back on the line inshallah put them through when they're back so carrying on from the wedding i guess at the wedding stage now what are the nikah or akad ceremonies for example do they need to be witnesses they're present what what actually in jaffa re and jaffa re law there is no need for witnesses at the akad or the nikah ceremony some people think that you have to have witnesses uh in in when it comes to the wedding ceremony no you make those two happy it's a good day out for them and make them feel important for once but you say on the door of maybe you can have people there but not obligatory and what you have is someone who'll recite what is known as the akad ceremony or the nikah ceremony at the beginning praising الله's creation of Adam and then how Allah subحان وتعالى joined eve and Adam together in matrimony and how from them the human race continues and then from there a couple of the quotes of the prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and his family and the yahlilbayt for example the famous quote of the holy prophet peace be upon him and his family and the nikah from sunnati فمن رغب عن sunnati فليس مني marriage is from my teachings whoever stays away from it is not one of us there are people out there who have no interest in ever getting married never tried not interested in bothering to meet people so ask them why i say i want to get closer to god it's as if a celibacy type movement now i remember there was a period where some of the followers of ahlulbayt even went through this where they were like i'm not going to get married because for example say that معصوم قم did not get married and the reply comes from the imams if not getting married was a sign of spirituality then فاطمة الزهراء عليه السلام would not have got married but فاطمة الزهراء showed us how you can balance marital life in service to the creation and service to the creator and so on so the holy prophet peace be upon his family there's a hadith from him the eye of the quran that i mentioned chapter 24 verse 32 is normally reciting إمام حليبنا مطالب عليه السلام's famous tradition about whoever gets married completes half of the religion so he should be conscious of Allah and the other half and then after that depends normally there are representatives for the bride and the groom either one representative who does the نكاح representing does the عقد representing both or the bride chooses someone and the groom chooses someone or the bride in the groom take the brave plunge of saying that will recite the words in the arabic language so you've got these which takes place naturally when we're living in the western world there is a registration system that your wedding has to be your marriage has to be registered there are laws which a person must revere and must respect while they're living in the country be it a not muslim or a non-muslim country inshaAllah i think we've got the caller back on the line say it in the assalamu alaykum والaykum السلام yes sister i would like to do my regards to say it المرنة شواني بكدوات from the quran or things from the from the atel bayt that would give us an idea of what highest spouse should be like and i mean specifically أنك دوات which are in place to find for someone to find his spouse thank you thank you very much well look in the holy quran for you know what type of attributes a person should look for when it comes to you know a future partner as i said the story of شعيب and moussa with شعيب's daughter they looked at him and they said they saw two attributes قوي and امين there's a physical strength naturally physically one must have looked after themselves but امين he is someone trustworthy not someone who opens up their secrets to the whole world not someone who'll stab you behind their back not someone who'll take your father's money and destroy your whole family that is one of the best examples of a story in the holy quran where you see all of the different attributes which are needed for that marriage to be successful you look for example in the holy quran i i i love for example the the the softness of the wording of the likes of نبي يعقوب and نبي إبراهيم حليم السلام in terms of their their humility when speaking to their children that is something fundamental that you're with someone whose اخلاق is good be it speaking with elders or with youth or with children you look at نبي إبراهيم always يابوني نبي يعقوب يابوني there's there's real softness in the way that they are you know and then when you're looking at the lives of the يهل البيت حليم السلام you find that the aim is a spiritual aim that's fundamental you know you could be with someone who's earning big money but spiritually zilch not bothered to go to the mosque always making excuses you find for example never reading any book to further their knowledge when you tell them let's go زيارة they're always busy always making excuses but if you tell them a resort they're always jumping and i think it's vital that when you want to look for someone to marry you want to look for that person who you can find a real spiritual fervor in فاضوان الزهراء عليه السلام had very renowned personalities proposed for her but what was unique about حليم نبي طالب عليه السلام is that he has a cognizance of god and a yearning to serve god at a young age because remember she's on the night that her father is about to be assassinated an Imam حليم نبي طالب عليه السلام is in the bed of the prophet she's what eight years of age at that time but she sees this young man who does not flinch when her father says to him are you willing to sacrifice yourself for me and my lord and he turns around to me he says are you gonna be in in peace oh prophet of god he said yes he said then my soul is for you my body is for you and i think when you're about to marry someone ask them the spiritual questions where are we heading are you content with where you are or do you want to improve do you want to move closer to god is or is our only concern uh Monday Friday uh eight to eight uh buy a four bedroom house first then move to a five bedroom get the best private school for our kids so we can show them off to the community and then let them go to high universities yeah but there's many out there's quite mundane well done if you achieve it being there seeing it you know it's good but that spiritual extra where you're able to take it to that next level is that person who you're looking for someone like that or no therefore when you're looking at the Holy Quran not only do you have the attributes of trustworthiness the attributes of physically having looked after oneself but you're looking in the traditions of the Ahl al-Bayt and you're also seeing this wonderful spiritual fervor i think fourthly and very importantly patience and forgiveness as being attributes of that person the Holy Prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family had some absolute nightmares with his marriages you know they were moments where the Quran look at chapter 66 verse one three four and five i ask all the viewers chapter 66 of the Quran verse one three four and five if you look at what's happening to the marriage of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family god is virtually telling him it's up to you now if you want to divorce them you can imagine what's happened there but the patience of the Prophet Muhammad the willingness to forgive the faults of one's partner these are wonderful attributes as well now i'm not going to say all of these are going to make an ideal marriage naturally a person what goes inside them their emotions their feelings a person can't control you either want to be with that person or maybe there's nothing that's clicking but these are certainly attributes that one can take in terms of the supplications doars.org is a wonderful website which has many wonderful traditions and supplications and verses of the Quran which one can recite if they are looking to get married i would recommend the viewers that website إن شاء الله following on from the traditions of the أهل بيتلسلام is did any of them ever go on a honeymoon is honeymoon part of islam or is it culture what's the والعلي عليبنا بطالب عليسلام's honeymoon is an interesting one because he's uh he's got 63 wounds on his body at أهد there's no Maldives is it you know it's um 63 wounds on his body on the day of أهد and his wife is not complaining about her 5 star 10 or why is it 4 star why is it not on the beach why is it not on the water why is the food late why is this why is the plane why is that no no his wife who just happens to be the greatest woman to have ever existed is treating the wounds on his body so i can't say the أهل البيتو are enjoying a wonderful beach resort for their honeymoon there was a constant um it's as if you know what it's it just doesn't do it for them um but that does not mean that it's prohibited uh on the contrary it's wonderful if a person's able to get away with their partner uh hopefully in that first couple of weeks it's not a period which becomes a nightmare rather is a period that becomes a period of happiness people are tested in different ways uh no doubt uh in their marriages but you would hope that that would be the beginning some might turn around and say no we can save the honeymoon for a later period work commitments maybe a lot um and that is something to consider financial commitments you know you should just because she went there or he went there doesn't mean all of you have to go somewhere a person can be patient enough to say well at the beginning let's be patient save up work on other things and then definitely there'll be holiday after holiday uh afterwards so there's nothing prohibited but if you're asking me أهل البيت wise uh 63 wounds on أحد is uh as happy a honeymoon as i think he enjoyed it because he served the holy prophet on that day so in terms of you just mentioned work commitments work community life balance that i think is key to any sort of happy marriage to be able to balance all three of them what would you advise someone to be able to do in order to control those three which one would you prioritize one over the other well i'm very sad when i find out that many married couples have suddenly disappeared from the community it's sad it's sad when there's a whole generation i i could say london's one of these generations where امام الجوات شهاده i can guarantee you that 70 80 percent of couples in their 20s and 30s will not go to the mosque all of a sudden marriage i don't know it doesn't make you run away from the mosques or is it that the mosques aren't catering that requires its own show but marriage should be that movement in your life of getting closer to الله سبحانه وتعالى it should not be a case where a person suddenly says well you know what work is too much okay work is too much one day or we it's a شهاد of an imam it's a ولاد of an imam it's honoring the ahl al-bayt عليم السلام they themselves say رحم الله من احيا امرنا may Allah have mercy on the one who revives our affair i'm not going to deny people the busy lives but don't tell me you can't make time for your community الله سبحانه وتعالى has blessed you with six figure wages in some cases six figure salaries and you can't turn up for امام الجوات شهادة or امام الصادق شهادة or امام زين العبنين شهادة but محرم ما شاء الله everybody can turn up there has to be a healthy balance نبي داود عليه السلام if you were to read his biography there's a wonderful balance between family community work with the iron and so on مليان الحديد as we read within the supplications and so you find that balance is also in the life of the holy prophet peace be upon his family he still earns but he still looks after his family but he still serves the community it's sad when i hear today that people have got married you don't see them in the mosque for a year on the contrary your marriage should spiritually uplift you to work together now in serving the mosque be it serving food be it organizing لكترس be it helping the elderly be charity fundraising be it helping the local community so in those first days don't fall into and even if you are a group of married couples you've recently been married at least organized weekly gatherings we hear that there are brothers and sisters newly married who organized weekly gatherings and these have to continue wherever you do don't let your marriage become a movement away from the community some people complain so community full of hypocrites communities backward okay if the community is like that the new work on building a brighter community so now we've gone past the honeymoon stage that our imaginary couple have gone on the honeymoon come back now they're living in their own flat or house and they've got in-laws to deal with what are the rights of the in-laws over the husband or the wife none in some cultures the in-laws for example Asian backgrounds they want to come and live with them is that cultures could do whatever they want religiously there's none you know you don't have to a wife who's just got married does not have to serve anybody your love for them as being the parents of your husband for example that would reach a level where you want to help and support but you're not obliged let's make this clear that this idea that will marry a girl so she serves my dad who's 70 years old that's got nothing to do with religion that's you building an ideal home for yourself that girl does not have to serve anyone if she is and she already knew that she's going to marry a family where the in-laws live at home which has to be discussed beforehand because some will complain afterwards well didn't you know before you got married that the in-laws are living there i think those who try and make this claim that you know what you have to respect your in-laws yes respect anyone who obeys الله سبحانه وتعالى you respect them they disobey الله سبحانه وتعالى you don't have to obey them respect أخلاق should always remain always you found سلام would not leave أم البنين alone after أم البنين had become a widow remember for over 20 years she lived with أبل فضل they did not leave her alone and nor did أبل فضل's wife لو بابا say i don't want my mother-in-law no the أخلاق was there but legally there is no obligatory duty on her to have to but أخلاق wise islam dictates you soften your heart and you try and lower your wings towards the elderly what about in terms of if you for example marry a first cousin your in-laws become your uncle or aunt you go through god forbid a messy divorce either your uncle or aunt then starts to maybe spread rumors about you speak ill about you and obviously in islam we have this little where you have to see your family once everything three months what's on your neck then what obligations do you have to abide by what you have to follow what do you do in that situation well what many face this situation sadly it happens where there's a marriage between the cousins breaks up it causes friction and tension for a while you don't have to go and see those cousins who you may have fallen out with you can maintain سلام with them for example that could be صلى الله عليه وسلم وعليكم send a whatsapp message سلام's hope you're well they reply they reply they don't reply it's between them and god or even asking about them and hoping that they're well or even praying for them is still صلى الله عليه وسلم so صلى الله عليه وسلم is not this thing where a person has to maintain some sort of communication by physically being present in front of the person a phone call and message asking about them this is all صلى الله عليه وسلم as well but try your heart is not to let the shaitan get in your way and say never talk to them again don't welcome them at home again this is not right rather we should try and keep our heart soft we may have been hurt we may be an oppressed but try and soften your heart in the way that رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وعليه وعليه النبي ابراهيم عليه السلام بوث when they faced an uncle who they felt oppressed by try to soften their heart with that uncle on many occasions a question that came in over the weekend said and i was regarding water on countries with those orphans etc and it says in some water on countries it's encouraged to have multiple wives due to the orphans and widows left behind what are your thoughts about polygamy there and in the west and a follow on questions about why are men allowed to marry four women but women only allowed to marry one man well if there's a water on country today there were there was a water on environment in early islam and so when the polygamy law is seen in early islam it's because there are a number of orphans because of the fact that their fathers have died at badr or at ohod or later at khanda or at khayba now these widows who are there cannot just go out and get themselves a job at that time this and 15 years ago they were some of them were being buried alive they're not just going to automatically get a job at that time so if you are married to one you are given the permission to marry a second because of that particular situation that occurs has that type of context stop not at all until today you have situations where there are water on environments you look at arab you look at bosnia you look at for example afghanistan you look at lebanon there is you know many widows out there with no one to fend for them and that could be a situation where polygamy applies if in the west polygamy is allowed then you abide by the laws if it's not allowed then you abide by the laws in islam it's not just easy for a person to say okay i'm gonna marry a second wife if you're gonna marry a second wife financially you have to treat both wives exactly the same monetarily exactly the same physically likewise you have to make sure that you cater for both yes your time should be for both exactly the same spend three and a half days here three and a half days there if you are able to you know have such strength and not suffer from migraines then take you know take that second one on board and also try and maintain justice someone says in the quran الله says you can never achieve justice in polygamy yeah you can never love the two the same that's impossible i can't say to the first wife i love you 71 i love the second one 29 but in terms of finance and in terms of time you can certainly achieve a balance however hard it may be what was the norm for أهل البيت عليه السلام the holy prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family in his lifetime his norm was monogamy not polygamy when he was 25 years old he married sayada khadija عليه السلام 26 years he was married to her did not marry any other lady until the age of 51 he could have married he was in the prime he could have married but he did not marry anybody else while he was married to sayada khadija عليه السلام and likewise إمام حديث مطالب would not have married anyone حد فاتوان صحر عليه السلام remained alive so therefore when we look at the يهل البيت the norm was monogamy polygamy was dictated because of certain legal issues political issues tribal alliances these things can happen but as i said one has to recognize that there are ethical as well as legal ramifications to such a decision إن شاء الله thank you very much for another insightful night thank you for tuning in at home إن شاء الله we'll be back on friday night with live in london with dr. sayda امان اكشواني discussing another topic please keep us in your دعاز we look forward to seeing you on friday إن شاء الله thank you very much السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته