 Don't forget the big body laugh. Everton Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes. And with Election Day just around the corner, we remind you of the famous speech of Senator Rufus G. Blohard when he rose to water these deathless words. Well, well, Costello, what's going on here? Hey, Costello, Costello! All right, all right, quiet Hector, down Hector. Costello, what's the idea of bringing that dog in here? Where did you get him? Oh, I found him, Abbott. Well, let him loose. Oh, no, no, not me. I'm not going to lose him. I'm going to keep him. He's a genuine airplane dog. An airplane dog? Yeah, look at his tailspin. Oh, no, no. Costello, you're going to take that dog out of here right now. Oh, no, Abbott, please don't ask me to do that. I said yes. Don't make me chase this little dog away. Now? He's taking a place of my other little dog that died. His name was Gertl. Gertl? Yep. How did you happen to name a dog Gertl? Because we kept him tied up in a daytime. We let him out at night. Oh, I remember that dog you had. He was a dog sound. One of those long dogs. Yeah, my mother bought that long dog for us kids so we could all pet him at the same time. How did he happen to die, Lou? It's a sad tale, Abbott. Well, he met his end going around a tree. All right, Hector, listen to him, Abbott. He's got asthma. Costello, will you please get that mutt out of here? No, he's a smart dog. I'm not going to do it. He's a smart dog. I should get him out of here. No, I won't. Look, Hector, how much is one-on-one? See? Now, he's right, ain't he, Abbott? Well, yeah. One-on-one is like that, ain't he? Yeah, sure. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, it is. Now, Hector, how much is two-on-two? Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Now, Hector, tell Abbott what time it is. I think you should have got a real dog for this pot. The producer's always putting his relatives on a show. Just like me and my uncle, Artie Stebbins. Now, look, Costello. He gets in. Listen, you've got to get rid of this dog. Now, I know what we'll do. We'll take this dog out on the street and we'll auction him off. We'll probably get three or four dollars for him. Now, come on. Okay. Now, let's get started here. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up here. We are about to auction off this beautiful dog. In fact, neighbors, he is one of the most famous dogs in Hollywood. What? Ladies, do you remember the famous dog, Strongheart? Yes. I remember Strongheart. Well, this is his brother, weak liver. The dog is a flea-how. Look, he's scratching himself. You're wrong, madam. He's a watchdog. He's winding himself up. Costello, will you please step aside? Now, madam, would you like to make the first bid for this dog? What? You didn't watch. In ten? Ten dollars has been bid by the lady. Who made eleven? Now, just a minute. Don't pull any... How many dollars has been bid? Do I hear thirty-seven? Just a minute, you crooks. My wife didn't bid for that dog. She certainly did. I'll give you a six to five. Sixty-five has been bid by the gentleman. Who'll make it sixty-six? Oh, come on, Eddie. Eddie dollars has been bid. And what? And what a buy for eighty dollars. Why, you can raise five hundred dollars on this dog. Oh, yeah? You'd have to be Tarzan to raise five hundred on that dog. You'd have to be what? Tarzan. So, sold to this gentleman for a Tarzan dollar. There's nothing but fakes. Come on, dear. Let's get out of here. Okay. Excuse me. Go ahead. Come here, Castella. Castella. What? The crowd is breaking up. Hurry up. Okay. Get out there among the people and be a shill. Now, if somebody says one dollar, you say two dollars. If somebody says two dollars, you say three dollars. I get it. I get it. I know what you mean. Yeah. Well, whatever it is, the bid, I keep raising the price. That's right. All right. All right. Now, who will bid one dollar to start the sale? I will. Quiet, Castella. You have no money. I'll bid a dollar. That's fine. Well, who will say two dollars? Please, won't somebody say two dollars? Will the lady who said a dollar say a dollar again? Two dollars. Yeah, that's better. Thank you. Will anybody say three? Three dollars. Thank you, sir. Now, will anybody say four? Four dollars. So, this beautiful dog for four dollars. Now, will the winner, the winner, wait a minute. Where is the winner? Will you please raise your hand, please? Yes. Castella. Right here. Castella. It was me. Get back in that crowd. Okay. You haven't got a dime. Folks, there has been a mistake in the bidding. Will the gentleman who said three dollars bid again? Three dollars. Would you like to make it four? Three dollars far as I go. But this dog is worth at least four? Won't somebody please say four? Please. Well. Very well. Going. Going once for three dollars? Going. Going. Four dollars. Quiet. Who said four dollars? I said four dollars. Thank you. So, for four dollars. Who said that four dollars? Raise your hand again. Castello. What's the matter with you? That's the second time you've gummed up the auction. Why don't you keep out of this? You haven't got a dime. Can I help you if I love dogs? Oh, please. Please. Tea, the letter T, 20th letter of the alphabet. And to every smoker, a letter of first importance. It stands for taste and for throat. In other words, your T zone. And T for truth, too. Because your T zone gives you the truthful answer to the question of which cigarette is best for you. Try the kind, cool mildness of camels on your own throat. Try the rich, full, fresh flavor of camels on your taste. And furthermore, that T stands for tobaccos, too. The superb blend of costlier tobaccos that gives camels such an appeal to the T zone of millions of smokers. C-A-N-D-L-S. Camels and T stands for try, too. And for today. Try them on your T zone today. Well, well, well, come right in, gentlemen. Welcome to Red Morton's Pet Shop. See, that looks like my lost dog you have there. Yes, Mr. Morton. My friend Costella found your dog and I made him bring him back. Well, that's fine. And here's your $25 reward. Mr. Morton, I don't want the reward. I want to keep the dog. I love that little pooch. Well, young man, the dog is for sale, but I must warn you, he's very valuable. This dog is worth $200. He's worth $200? How could a little dog save up all that money? Costella, Mr. Morton means you'll have to pay $200 for the dog. That's right, young man. Have you any idea about what this dog's breed is? His what? His breed. He breeds to his nose like anybody else. Costella, we're wasting this man's time. Now, you can't afford to buy this dog. Oh, no, wait a minute, Abbot. You can't afford it. I've got to have this dog. Mr. Morton, why can't I go to work for you in your pet shop? I'll let you keep all my salary to pay for the dog. Very well, young man. I'll pay you whatever you're worth. Oh, no. I've got to have some money. Mr. Morton, Costella will take the job. Now, I'll have him here at 8 o'clock in the morning. Well, Costella, it was our first day in Mr. Morton's pet shop. So be on your toes. Uh-oh. Here comes the customer. Good morning, madam. What can I do for you? I'd like 10 cents worth of dog meat. Shall I wrap it up, or will you eat it here? Now, see what you did, Costello. She died with Dick Mack. Yeah. That lady drove away in a huff, and she's fuming. It must be that ration gas we're getting. Now, look, please get busy, Costella, and take care of those puppies. Hey, I forgot to tell you. What? One of these puppies have the sniffles. I don't know what to do. Well, if the puppy has a cold, just fill a long tube with some cold medicine, then place one end of the tube in the dog's mouth, and take a deep breath and blow. That's no good. I tried it. What happened? The dog blew first. Wait a minute. Hello, Morton's pet shop. Who? Mrs. Pike? Oh, yes, yes. I'll send Costello over for it. What kind of a dog have you? A pecanese. Okay, Mrs. Pike. Costello, I want you to go over and get a peek at Mrs. Pike's. Get a peek at Mrs. Pike's? Yes. Why can't I take a good look? Listen, you dummy, I want you to go after Pike's peek. You want me to go after Pike's peek? What am I? A mountain climber? Look, Costello, I want you to go to Mrs. Pike's house, and you'll see her peek around the odd. I'll see her peek around the odd? Yes. Well, what do you want me to do? Play hide-and-seek with her? No, no, no, no. Look, Abbott, puss, puss, puss. What do you mean? I've got to finish washing a dog. What dog? You know, it's a little white dog that, um... Spits? No, but it drools a little. Look, never mind that. Now, after you come back from Mrs. Pike's, I want you to take care of Mrs. Brown's chow. Her what? Her chow. How is Mrs. Brown's chow? What are you asking me for? I never ate at the lady's house. You realize that Mr. Morton is going to fight you before you even earn a dollar to pay for that dog? No, he ain't Abbott, because I've got a big idea. Do you see that poster on the wall? Yes. It says, Big Dog Show tonight. First prize, $200. So? I'm gonna take Hector to the dog show. He'll win the money, and I'll pay Mr. Morton in full. Costello, you can take that dog away from the store. Suppose Mr. Morton comes back and finds the dog's coop empty. Why, he could have you arrested. Just think of the headline in the papers. Costello takes dog and fleas. Oh, no, I'm just taking a dog. I'm gonna need the fleas here. Anyway, Abbott, he'll never know the dog is missing. I'll get my little brother, Sebastian, to hide in the coop, and he'll take the dog's place till we get back. Now, Costello, that's ridiculous. Sebastian could never fool Mr. Morton into believing he's a dog. Is that so? Certainly. He's fooled plenty of people already. Do you mean people really mistake Sebastian for a dog? Well, he's only seven years old, and my mother had to buy him back from the dog catcher's five times. Oh, now please. We'll win first prize at the dog show. May be a moot question, but there's no questioning the fact that first prize at the singing sweepstakes will go to our lovely Connie Haynes, as she sings, Dance with a Dollar. Was walking down the street, down the street, down the street. I met somebody who was mighty sweet, mighty fine to see. I asked him, would he like to have a talk, have a talk, make some talk. All the girly sand and on the rock, wishing they were me. Mama, mama, let me dress up tonight, dress up tonight, dress up tonight. I've got a secret, gonna dress up tonight, gonna dance by the light of the moon. Gonna dance with a dolly, with a hole in a socket, knees keep on knocking, toes keep on rocking. Dance with a dolly, with a hole in a socket, dance by the light of the moon. As I was walking down the street, met somebody who was mighty sweet, mighty fine to see. I asked him, would he like to have a talk, have a talk. All the girly sand and on the rock, gonna dance by the light of the moon. I've been saying, camels please, and always a man behind the counter came back with that familiar pack and a hearty, yes sir. Well, he doesn't feel too happy these days when occasionally he has to change that to, that yes sir, to sorry, no camels today. But remember this, camels kind, cool, gentle mildness, and the rich, full, fresh flavor of camels unique blend of costlier tobaccos, definitely make camels worth asking for again the very next time you're buying cigarettes. C-A-M-E-M-S. Camels, the cigarette to ask for every time. Quiet everybody, quiet, we are about to start the great North Hollywood dog show. Now all you people who have entries will kindly form a line to the right and file your dog past the judges. Castella, what are you doing? The guy, the guy told me to file my dog. Put, put that file down. The man wants you to promenade your dog. I can't do that Abbot, I left my promenade home. What promenade? The promenade, I put on my hair. No, no you dummy. The stuff you put on your hair is pomade. Oh, no it ain't Abbot, pomade is the stuff my father drinks. Your father drinks pomade? Mm-hmm, pomade it, and pa drinks it. I must have blood, gallons of blood. I've got to have blood. Who are you? Oh, just an old bloodhound. Aw, you're so skinny if you had any blood it'd look like a thermometer. Holding up the dog show, I'm anxious to get started. I expect to win the first prize with my dog. You could win it without the dog. Now Castella, that's no way to talk to a lady. That's right young men, I am the great dog fancier. Mrs. Beacon then, storage. I have one of the largest kennels in the country. Why don't you go on a diet? Oh, you think you're so smart, but your dog will never beat my dog. He's a Doberman Pinscher. A Doberman what? Pinscher, Pinscher. Ah, ah, ah, low, low, low. Why, I'm surprised. What are you doing? You told me to pinch her. Come on Castella, it's time to take the dogs into the judging ring. Yeah, come on Hector, come on Hector. All right, all right, take it easy. Hector, will you stop painting? Stop it. Now we've got to go in there and win that $200. And then you'll belong all to me. Well, don't tell me it's our old friend Kitzel. He came here to win the dog show. I got some very opportunity. You see, I'll just take a look at this fine dog. Come here Einstein. Hey Kitzel, why do you call him Einstein? Well, because nobody can explain his relativity. He's a fine dog. Hey Kitzel, he looks more like a pointer-setter. What's a pointer-setter? He sets in a kitchen and points at the icebox. I don't think you'll ever win a prize with that dog, Kitzel. Please, I don't think you'll ever win. You might as well take your dog and get out of here. Now wait a minute Lou. My little dog's got away. No, but wait a minute Lou. $200, I've got to wait to pay for that little dog. That's no way to talk. Kitzel, get your dog out of here. That's no way to talk about other dogs, Lou. Kitzel has a fine-looking dog there. Yeah, but Abbott, he don't look healthy to me. What makes his tongue hang way out like that? What makes his tongue hang way out? He was born with a long tail and he's trying to keep his balance. Well, I don't believe it. No! I think he's trying to pick up dimes. Hey Kitzel, can a dog do any tricks? Oh, he plays a little pinocchio. Pinocchio? You mean your dog plays cards? Well, he must be plenty smart. Oh, he's not so smart. Last night I beat him two games out of three. Look, your dog don't compare to my dog, Kitzel. Now, Hector can really do good tricks. Would you like to see him climb a ladder? Your dog can climb a ladder. This I got to see. Well, this you're going to see. Come here Hector. Howdy boy Hector. Look Hector, I want you to start climbing the ladder. There he goes. Now he's on the first round. The second. The third round. There you are, Kitzel. He went all the way up to the top. Okay, Hector. Now jump down to my arms. Add a boy. That's what I call climbing a ladder. Now just a second. Just a second. Well, wouldn't you see? I don't see any ladder. Well, he hasn't learned to do it with a ladder yet. Ladies and gentlemen, the judges of the dog show have reached a decision. We are awarding the first prize of $200 to this little fat dog here wearing the brown blanket. Be quiet, Costello. You want to make a liar out of the judges? Kill that one, didn't I? All right, all right. Look, Costello, don't argue. You've got the $200, let's go. Now we've got to get back to Morton's pet shop and get your brother Sebastian out of that dog coop. There you are, Costello, you dog thief. What's the idea of taking my champion dog out of his coop and putting that little boy in there? Mr. Morton, I just borrowed a dog for a little while. Oh please, Mr. Morton. I only took him out on a government plan. Yeah, Len Liesch. That's the Liesch I could do. All right, all right. Look, Mr. Morton, Costello hasn't harmed the dog and he now has the $200 to pay you for him. That's right, Mr. Morton. Here's the money. Wrap the dog up as a gift. Wrap the dog. I've got a good notion to wrap you in the nose. You left your little brother in that coop and when I went to let him out, he bit me. He bit you? Sebastian, come out of that coop. Yes, Sebastian, come here. Did you really bite, Mr. Morton? Yes, I did, Uncle Bob. I snuck up and bit him. Now wait a minute, Sebastian. Where did you bite him? I bit him between the bird cage and the fishbowl. Sebastian, don't you know what's wrong to bite people? Don't you realize that you can cause a great deal of harm and trouble? I know. And that eventually you might even go to jail. That's right. Why do you do these things, Sebastian? I don't know why. I do these things. Well, you must have a reason for it. Oh! Not only keeping the dog, but I'm taking the $200 for personal damages and I'm throwing you three bums out of here. They are false, Sebastian. Why did you bite, Mr. Morton? I'll tell you why I bit him, Uncle Bob. I didn't mind it this morning when he threw me that tibble dog biscuit. I even ate the bones he gave me for lunch. I'll bring Abbot and Costello back in just a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week. Tonight, we salute Sergeant Phil Lahrhamp of Avalon, Pennsylvania. Crawling under enemy fire to a dog out-housing 70 Nazis, he wounded one and sent the other scurrying into capture. For this exploit, he wears the silver star and tonight rates this salute in his honor. 400,000 camel cigarettes sent to our fighters overseas. Each of the three camel radio shows honors a yank of the week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camel sent free each week. Camel broadcasts to go out to the United States three times a week are short-wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawking, thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Abbot and Costello. And I was promised a few final words from Bud and Lou. Well, the final words would be very short. Just a good night, folks. Good night and bye plenty of bonds. Bye bonds, everybody. Good night, friends. Good night, everybody. Another great evident Costello show. And remember, try camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how camel's mildness, coolness and flavor click with you. Every student of human behavior knows that women like masculine things. The rough caress of a tweed shoulder against a soft cheek, the gleam of fine polished leather, the look of a pipe in a man's mouth. However, if you delve a little deeper into feminine psychology, you will find that the appeal of that pipe is way down when its smoke meets dainty feminine nostrils. What can you do about it? That's easy. Just pack that pet pipe of yours with Prince Albert. Its fragrance, its grand aged-in-the-water aroma will complete your pipe appeal with the lady you wish to impress. And that wonderful flavor, too. Rich, full-bodied, yet mild. And Prince Albert's crimp cut gives you firm packing, easy drawing, and even burning right through the last puff. PA is gentle to your tongue, too, because of its no-bite treatment. And what a bargain. About 50 thrifty pipe pulls in the regular two-ounce package. The Abilent Costello show for camel cigarettes was directed by Dick Mack, and this is Ken Niles wishing you a pleasant good night from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcast.