 Men who do this attract the best women. And I'm gonna answer this question right now and it is the men who love themselves. And I'll talk about what that looks like in a moment, what it looks like when a man genuinely loves himself and you're gonna love this answer, okay, or this presentation, okay? Now really quickly, I am not talking about narcissistic men. You know, narcissists was a gentleman back in ancient times who looked at his reflection in narcissists, looked at his reflection in a pond and loved himself. So true narcissists is actually those people that look in the mirror and go, oh my God, I'm so beautiful or oh my God, I'm so handsome, okay? But we're not gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about what it takes for a man to really reach this place. And quite frankly, we're talking about women who are in this space as well. Now really quickly, before I get into this, I just wanna draw attention and I'm gonna rant for a moment about masculine and feminine energy because there's a lot of conversations associated with high quality men having the masculine energy and high value women who have the feminine energy and they're selling you on a narrative that isn't quite right. So I think their design is the people that rant about this is you take men who have leadership skills and character and you put them together with women who are agreeable and receptive with character. And this is just going to naturally work out between the two of you. So you ladies need to find that masculine energy man and the men need to find those agreeable, receptive women. Okay, women need to find those leadership type men and men need to find those agreeable, receptive women. See, the challenge with this narrative is excludes an important factor when it comes to understanding people, particularly in midlife and my audience is midlife which is after baby making years and before retirement. So if you're roughly between the ages of 42 and 69 that's the demographic I speak to and within that demographic is a significantly dysfunctional group of human beings. Okay, I go on to say, most humans are rather broken. Relationship skills for most humans are in the toilet because we're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. Most importantly, most everybody is lacking what it takes to attract this man or this man to attract this great woman is self love. So let's dive into this really quickly. I just want to, well, I'm going to dive into self love in a second but let me just give you examples of brokenness. Okay, somebody is going through a contentious divorce. Somebody who has a contentious ex that is going to be a problematic person or that's going to be a problematic circumstances in a person's life that oftentimes creates a lot of discourse for a person. So to the extent that this might, it doesn't necessarily make this person broken but their capacity to fully commit to a relationship makes it rather difficult. Okay, if somebody is going through a contentious space in their professional life, maybe they have issues with their health. Okay, this makes that very difficult for these people to enter into a healthy, happy relationship. But what makes most people broken in midlife is that their childhood wounds and traumas begin to bubble up in the surface. In other words, within a relationship, most likely the cause for, by the way, roughly about 75% of singles over 45 years old are most likely divorced. So there's usually a reason that caused this divorce is that it was most likely not a very healthy relationship that two people didn't have good relationship skills. And so when you put these people back in the dating marketplace and it's going to be problematic. And then typically since divorces are contentious, this leads to adult traumas that happen in their lives. Now many of you know I'm a big advocates advocate for doing inner work, particularly healing childhood wounds and traumas. This is why I constantly recommend a book. The book is called The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas. By the way, in the show description, if you hit the description, you'll see Jonathan recommended books. All the books I recommend today will be in there. And why I recommend reading this for yourself so you can become that best woman and why I invite you to really do your job vetting a man in the early stage of dating to make sure that he has the capacity to love himself as I'm gonna describe in a moment. And if you need some support with that, by the way, there's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My whole area of expertise is all centered around discernment and vetting. In other words, before you give your heart to someone, you better ask the questions related to your personality to determine if he's a good fit for you. And in the show notes again is a link to schedule a discovery call with me. Okay, so self love is about being an emotional grownup, but more importantly, self love represents your character as a human being, your character. And this is true for men and this is true for women as well. So when the title says men do this to attract the best women, we're talking about the best women do this and the best men do this, okay? So let's lean into this conversation for a moment. What it looks like to be with this best person, I'm gonna have to pull out my notes, but number one, their actions consistently match their words, their actions consistently match their words. Now that's not gonna suggest people might have foibles in their life. I was having a discussion in my private group today where a man's dating profile said he was 59 and she did a Google search and found out he was 61. Like, I mean, she didn't say this, but people can go, oh my God, he's a liar. He's untrustworthy. Okay, humans, listen, somebody's fudging by a couple of years is because they wanna be in the search algorithms, okay? And hopefully this person fesses up to that and that shows their level of integrity. But when we're talking about actions matching their words, we're talking about they say they're gonna call, they're gonna call. If they're going to meet you for a date, they meet you for a date, okay? This is actions matching their words. Now, we're all going to have moments where we can't consistent. We can't do it always, but there's a consistency and that demonstrates a level of self-love and character. And by the way, when it comes to self-love, I highly recommend checking out my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Open Spiritual Work. We'll talk about this in a moment as well. There's a link below. Okay, these men who love themselves and have great character, they are generous and kind. They have a generous spirit. They have a kind spirit about them. You see it the way they tip people, maybe at a restaurant or how they greet people. Certainly when a man pays for a date, that's coming from a place of generosity, but that's not the only space of generosity. We can gauge people's generosity. We see it in how they operate in their life. Are they generous to other people? Are they generous to you? Are they generous to themselves? And I don't mean in excess, I just mean does a person have a balanced life of being kind and generous to human beings? Okay, the next one, this is critically important. They communicate clearly without wanting to be right. Okay, people who love themselves, people who have good relationship skills, they don't argue their point as if they are right. A healthy person, when they communicate, they communicate but they also have listening skills. They listen to your point of view. They acknowledge your point of view and they validate your point of view. And while they might have a different point of view in their life, okay, we can agree to disagree. It is not about being right, it is about being happy. I can tell you men and women. You girls are no picnic either. Well, please forgive the girl's reference. You ladies are no different. You have a capacity of saying I'm right and wrong, but I'm not here to suggest you should be gaslit either. Okay, this is not about somebody else's point of view of being right, it's about recognizing that we all look at the world through different lenses. Oh, here's lenses, right? And it's a prism and so you can turn, you can look at something and see the color blue, but you might see the color royal blue. People's, the context people look at things can be radically different from another person's point of view. You see a person who loves themselves, a person with character, they communicate clearly without being right, okay? Number four, they don't use people. They are very clear about commitment. Now this is related to those that are in the dating marketplace. They're very clear about commitment. It isn't a passive thing. It isn't like, oh, let's just see where it goes. I need to take it slow. I just want it casual. People of good character, people that love themselves and they clearly know they want a life partner, they have a long-term mating strategy, not a short-term mating strategy. A short-term mating strategy for some men and women is, hey, look, we connect on the bandwagon of chemistry. In fact, if you haven't seen my relationship iceberg chart, this might be your first time if it's a repeat, okay? They focus highly on chemistry, attraction. Those are people who have a short-term mating strategy. And then they pray to God that they share the same values, that their lifestyles are blendable and that they have the emotional maturity and relationship skills. When they're focused here, that's a short-term mating strategy, whereas when they're focused here, they have a long-term mating strategy and they're very clear about commitment. And men know, by the way, ladies roughly within 90 days of dating someone and provided that they've seen each other on average two times a week during this 90-day period. So roughly they physically have been in each other's orbit at least 24 times. Most men know whether or not they see you as long-term potential or short-term potential. And let me be clear. Emotionally healthy men who love themselves who have good character know this. The problem is we're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. The three active people who are dating today, the three types of people actively dating today, they're called users. And that's roughly 20%. Then there's the spenders and then the grower and builders. The users, they seek short-term gain, love bombers, players, gold diggers, entitled people, selfish people, only caring about their needs. And then, by the way, this is not a fact, this is merely an opinion, okay? The spenders, they seek companionship, connection, coupling, sex, no direction, uncertain, fearful, they have a dysfunctional life and the builders and growers, these seek long-term commitment, they are emotionally grown up, they have good relationship skills. See, when we're talking about, if you want to be with this type of grower and builder, and it's only about 20% of the population, that's just my opinion, 20% of the people in the active dating marketplace, excuse my slurping and my coffee mug says, don't make me go all psycho roommate on you. Those know that I have a passion and much like a preacher sitting up and I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, it's because I'm passionate about this, not because I'm just yelling. Men who are grower and builders are clear about commitment, they know about this within 90 days, most likely you're with a spender, that's your, you're with a user or a spender, those dysfunctional people that have clinical or might have clinical issues. See, it's your job to be your ladies, it's your job to advocate for your needs, wants and desires. This is why chapter one in my book, speak your truth, deal with kindness. And if you do so, and if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person when you're speaking from the heart. So if you genuinely in your heart want to feel safe, then it requires asking the deeper questions to build trust and we'll talk about trust in a moment. Now, people who love themselves, who have good character, they have their act together, but more importantly, they have self-control, their financial life, they have their act together, but more importantly, they have self-control, they're not addicted to drugs or chasing sex or partying. They have balance in their life, but more importantly, they have self-control. Folks, I'm gonna tell you something, it took me a long time for me to reach this place. When I was in the active, when I was going through my divorce back in the 2000, what was it, seven-ish right around that time is when I got divorced, 2007, I didn't have self-control. When I felt strong chemistry for a woman, all it took was alcohol and there was sex. I had no self-control in those early stages after my divorce, alcohol, sex. In fact, I was doing drugs just to get through the day because I was emotionally a broken man. I was a train wreck. One of the reasons why I know this type of man so clearly is because I was that type of person. It's why I coach women like warning, warning, warning, Will Robinson, Will Robinson, warning. Does anyone remember Lost in Space back in the 60s? See, I recognize that I didn't have self-control. See, chemistry is a powerful drug. It is like crack cocaine, or heroin, okay? When you feel that dopamine rush and when you meet someone, this is why the shit that came out of my mouth, the shit that comes out of men's mouth when we're amped up on drugs, I mean, the drug of dopamine when you have chemistry, it is just fascinating, the shit that'll come out of our mouths. I mean, oh my God, you're the most beautiful woman on the planet. I've never experienced this before. I can't wait till we go on vacation. Yadi, yadi, yadi, yadi, yadi. I didn't have self-control then. Now I recognize, by the way, even when I get excited, I might slightly fall into a category of being overly enthusiastic. That's called limerence, but I'm not driven by the lust bug, yet a lot of dysfunctional men are. Okay, the next one, they have healed from their past relationships. Oh my God, we are swimming, for those of us in midlife, the average person has a divorce and a relationship under their belt. And I gotta tell you, a significant percentage, I'm spitting, significant percentage of people haven't healed from their past relationships. They're reliving the trauma over and over and over again. You ladies know, many of you have experienced maybe a narcissistic personality in your life, and many of you have been traumatized by it. And certainly men have as well in their past relationships, and they're still either clinging on to the past relationship, or they gave that person their power. And they haven't healed in such a place where they're in their divine essence. These people that love themselves and have good character, they are introspective, they work on themselves to grow beyond their limitations, their wounds and traumas. Oh my God, I would say I invested a minimum of 30 minutes to an hour each day, doing inner work, reading all the books I recommend, listening to podcasts, to heal those places inside of me that are still in fear. It takes a tremendous amount of awareness and introspection to absolutely be in a state of trust. See, it's all about trust, and we're gonna talk about trust in a moment, but trusting oneself and people that are introspective and do work to heal are in a better space to trust themselves. Now, the next two are critically important. So stick around for this, men who do this attract the best women. And this is true for men and women alike. These are people who I have a protective nature, protective and empathetic nature, meaning they care about their partners, they truly care about their partners' feelings. See, we are here in the United States, we are fucking self-centric. We are a selfish group of human beings. And while we might have selfless acts, we can be very self-centric, particularly in the early stage of the dating. Dating isn't about what I can give, it's about what I can get from another person for the most part, generally speaking. And we care about our own needs because when we're broken, all we know is to take care of our own needs. That's when you're broken, you need to heal. When you love yourself or loving yourself, you can actually then give to another human being and genuinely care about this other person's feelings. And by the way, caring about the other person's feelings, coming back to self-control, particularly for men. Hey, you're putting, by the way, true chivalry is putting a woman not above you or below you, true chivalry is like I'm gonna be mindful of my actions because my actions have consequences if I'm out of integrity. Folks, if you're not familiar with the book, the four agreements, I highly recommend checking this out. But I'm gonna tell you something, a man who's protective and empathetic, he genuinely cares about your feelings, he operates from a place of integrity. This is what chivalry is all about, it's like going, I know my impulse to be selfish selfish could have consequences on another person. Folks, it used to be some hundred years ago, or not a hundred, yeah, but a while back, you know, if a young boy came to a young girl's house for a date, the dad would have a shotgun pointed out the guy's face or maybe the brother or the uncle would and say, what's your intentions with my sister? There was a consequence for bad behavior and today there are no consequences for being out of integrity. If there were, we'd have everybody in jail, okay? Okay, the last piece I wanna lean into, they believe demonstrating trust is paramount in their life, meaning when they partner with someone, trust isn't just about fidelity, trust is, coming back to what I said before, this other person's feelings is on equal footing as my own feelings. In other words, I always have this best person interest at heart without compromising my own interest without being a doormat, without putting someone on a pedestal or putting someone below me. Demonstrating trust is paramount to this man's life and this woman's life. And this is when men do this, they attract the best women. The problem today is we are in, we are swimming in a sea of casual relationships. We are swimming in a sea of casual relationships. See, cause something's missing today and you gotta stick around for this because you gotta hear this. This is probably one of my best videos if I'm gonna toot my own horn for a second because this is paramount. See, today casual relationships are all self-serving relationships. And usually one person gets hurt in this because it's missing this one element. And that is all in. Like I'm all in this relationship. I am all in. Those people are afraid to go all in. They've been hurt multiple times in their life and they're afraid to go all in. And sadly women go all in by giving their power away to man because the masculine is supposed to lead and the feminine is supposed to sit back in their feminine energy and let the man claim them. You're getting sold narratives that are bullshit. And what I mean to say is when we're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality your job ladies in particular you are in charge of your relationship destiny not the guy. And it requires two people being all in. This is why I created my private coaching. So I mean, I just got invited I just got invited by a woman to walk her down the aisle based on my work because her mother and father are no longer here. I am blessed to be an advocate particularly for discernment and vetting people. That's where my again schedule a discovery call if you wanna change your love life whether it's working with me or another coach I invite you to do the work so you can be prepared to attract this type of person but more importantly how to weed through the landmines of all the wrong people. By the way, I want everyone to think about this dating for a second. Actually was contemplating this in the shower this morning back when I used to be insurance sales we used to do something called cold calling in other words, we'd grab a telephone book and call people on the telephone book. These were cold leads, okay? Just like, just like dating apps just like where's this dating app? By the way, does anyone recognize this dating app? You know, I'm not on Bumble by the way but you know what? These are cold leads. It's just like telemarketing your chances for success are one in a thousand. See the job is to create warm leads by physically putting yourself out there. I'll be attending Allison Armstrong's event at the end of October 2023 in Los Angeles. I am physically putting myself out there. I'm going to events. I invite you all to generate more warm leads that have a greater chance for success out in the real world because the reality is is the dating apps are so riddled with dysfunctionality, the likelihood is very slim. And if you want to attract the best person then it's time to put yourself out there. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. And you're watching the replay. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on any of these subjects. Also, if you liked this video please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit the notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. All right, those who know my format know I'm going to ask questions. If you have a question, write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes and there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of them right there. He's my son who passed away five years ago and his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love as well. So for those that can't afford those, I donate so it goes into their scholarship fund. So it's coming from the Connor Asley fund into their fund. And by the way, Connor Asley is not a true fund. It's just I call something in his name. So again, hit that dollar sign or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All right, let's see what we have in the board here today. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. We have a lot of, Sylvia says these undiagnosed people with ADHD fall in and out of love frequently and they also get dopamine hits from arguing and drama. There is high percentage of them online, unable to stay in healthy relationships. Thank you for bringing that to attention. I totally agree. Laurie says, thank you for sharing all this information. I'm learning. Oh my gosh, I am so grateful that people are learning from my content. If you have a question, write the word question. Paula Stork says, how do you recognize a serial data? They've had no relationships. They've been single for a long time. They've been on the dating apps for a long time. Serial data is different than a serial monogamous. Serial monogamous have one relationship after another after another, which is part of the reason why you have to ask deeper questions. One of the things I talk about in my private coaching is radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement, the rules of engagement. So what does radical honesty looks like? It's about like, look it, we gotta cut to the chase here. Folks, I know dating isn't an interview process, but whether you like it or not, you have to interrogate a person. You have to interview them. And I say that a little tongue-in-cheek. So radical honesty is starting with deeper questions when two people physically are attracted to each other and they go, are we interested in dating one another? By the way, I think I'm gonna try this on the next. Actually, I don't plan on dating. I plan on, what I mean to say is I plan on being so selective on whom I'll meet that it won't be a traditional type of meet and greet in my life. It'll be a warm prospect than a cold prospect, okay? What I plan on doing is I'm like, look, can we agree if there is mutual attraction between the two of us when we meet that we ask deeper questions early on to save ourselves time, would you be open to that? And if there isn't mutual attraction, can we agree on that right from, by the way, folks, you all know right from the first few minutes if there is attraction. Now the sad part is, for men, it's rather instantaneous. For women, attraction can build over time. So this is the tricky part, okay? I'm talking about those two people that have genuine attraction for one another right from the get go. You then immediately go into radical honesty, laying your cards on the table in rules of engagement. Let me tell you what that looks like. Radical honesty is the agreement to have deeper questions. Laying your cards on the table, look, this is my past. This is how I've healed from my past. This is how I operate in the future, okay? These are the standards I seek in my life. Folks, you know my narrative. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend on average three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal, our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's my standard, that's me laying my cards on the table. And the rules of engagement are the following dating vows, okay? By the way, in the link below, you can get a copy of what I'm reading here. These are the rules of engagement. Have you ever heard the saying, and I didn't make this up, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Before you give your heart to a man, ladies, before you're physically intimate, I would want some agreements between the two of you. And I call this the dating vows and it goes like this. I, Jonathan, I, you know, Jennifer, you know, whoever you're, whoever the two people are, agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree to not actively meet date others while we are in the dating process, which includes taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back ghosting or disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. By the way, imagine if you just played that back at two times speed. Listen, ladies, 90% of men will bail on this. Why will they bail on it? Because they're in the dysfunctional category, they have clinical issues, they are broken. They're just spenders or users, they're not growing builders. By the way, I just got a call from a client who said, Jonathan, I recited the dating vows and she said, the guy loved it. He goes, oh my God, who wrote this? Let me give this person credit. Folks, I know this is a turn off to 90%, but are you looking to date 90% of men who are not ready for a relationship? Are you looking for that 10% who are genuinely serious? All right, that was my rant on that. So who has questions? By the way, oh by the way, let's see who wants to join the hot seat today? Does anyone wanna join the hot seat and ask me a question directly? Here we go, we posted it right there. You can jump online. Naughty Kitten says, I am broken too. Yeah, sadly, men and women are hurting. We have a population that is truly hurting. We deeply want connection. We deeply want love. Most humans do deeply want to feel love. And yet we are wrapped in layers of so much pain and suffering. Not everybody, just a significant percentage of people, particularly those who are single, those who are, by the way, I know, listen, I have some contemporaries who are happily married or happily engaged right now. And yes, they're blessed to be in that space so they can talk about that. I just happen to be aware that the dating marketplace is riddled with dysfunctionality. There's a reason why so many, by the way, think about this for those of us in midlife. You realize that second and third marriages end at a rate of 65 to 75%. Why does that happen? Because most humans have their emotional maturity and their relationship skills. This is not a fact, merely an opinion. But most people are dysfunctional. They have poor emotional maturity and poor relationship skills. That's why second and third marriages end at a higher rate. And relationships end at a higher rate. Or worse, people are in casual relationships because there's no statistics outside of marriage about how many people are in casual, unhappy, toxic relationships. Kristen has a post. By the way, if you have a question, write the word question post the question thereafter. I date alternately and I'm considered joining as a third. How would you deal with that scenario? I don't know exactly what you mean, Kristen. So, okay, who here has a question? By the way, who here has a question? Come on, pop into the screen. I need some content here. Otherwise, I'm just gonna be rambling. Give me something to work with, folks. Write the word question and post the question thereafter. Do we have a bashful group today? I wanna hear how I can support you. Folks, come on. Give me something here. I'm sorry, are we gonna cut it short today? Come on. Okay, Nancy says, wow, Jonathan, this is top notch, straight shot to the point, clear cut, very useful. I will listen to this over and over and I will use the interview. My next guy who fits the bill. There you go. All right, here we go. We got a question from Marilyn. Thank you, Nancy. I appreciate that question. Why do men get hot and heavy online dating apps and then ghost you? You know, I think COVID amplified a really big issue that's going on is we have humans who are really seeking connection. At the same time, their desire for connection and their brokenness is, excuse me, it's kind of like the yin and yang sign. Their desire for connection, their desire for closeness, actually don't take the yin and yang sign. Let's take a positive battery and a negative battery or two positive. What is it? Two positives repel each other. So one is you desire connection, that's one positive. We'll call it a negative. No, we'll, shit, I can't call that a positive. I'm just using this as an example. You're positive, positive. I mean, on a battery. Desire for connection, fear for connection. They repel each other. See, humans desire connection but at the same time, they're equally afraid of connection. This is a sad, this is why the dating apps is like cold calling. It is the weakest form of connection. And this is why we have so much, we have so many broken people seeking connection that they operate in a broken fashion. That's the why. Question is, what are you gonna do about it? Schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, Alexa says, I like your pink shirt. By the way, I think this is salmon color. By the way, what color do people think this is? I believe it's salmon, not pink, okay? But I'm curious, because this goes back to the concept of context. All right, Lori says, how long do you date before you hook up together? You know, for each person is different, but I would say if you've built a level of trust with another person, if you are on the, listen, if you've been radically honest, you lay your cards on the table and you establish the rules of engagement, that's the time that you can be ready for sex. By the way, I've always said trust takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time to build the first layer of trust. It takes a while to build the first layer of trust and trust is built in layers. Usually for every 100 hours you spend with someone, you're building more trust. Unless you're in a transactional relationship, which is either based on sex or entertainment. See, because the need for companionship is so great, the need for connection and sex is so great, people have transactional relationships based on sex and entertaining one another and they're not going into the deeper roots of trust. One of the things I talk about in my private coaching is establishing the five deep roots of trust that make a relationship go the distance. And if you want some additional support with that, check out the work of the book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Ladies, before the penis goes inside the vagina, I highly recommend reading the first chapter of this book before you ever put yourself out there. Read this book. Just a suggestion, you take it for what it's worth. Tracy's in the house. Do you have any stats on women who never marry early in life and but try it later life outpost 60? You know what, I was just thinking about there are very little statistics. Because once every 10 year surveys, and by the way, you can do a random survey, researchers can do surveys, but I think the problem with a lot of research studies is humans lie to themselves. So I don't know if there is a true study out there to know the stats on that. Why do you need to know it, Tracy? That's a question I ask of you. All right, naughty kitten. Someone in the chat stated it's a red flag for a man to never have been married by 50. Why and your thoughts? Okay, so is it a red flag? A man or woman over 50 has been never married. We have a lot of women, 50 not married. Let me ask you this. What's a worse red flag? Somebody who was married and got divorced, they obviously don't have the relationship skills to make a relationship work. So just because they made a commitment is no greater testament to their capacity to be in a relationship. I would venture to say you'd want to find out some of the details during this person's life because maybe they were a serial monogamous. But you know what? I applaud, you know, listen, I'm grateful. I've got blessed with two children. I've got Colin over there, Connor who sadly passed away. I'm grateful that I got married. I didn't marry the right person because I wasn't the right person when I got married, okay? So number one. And by the way, I got married at age 29. She was 27. Statistically speaking, people under 30 years old have a 75% who get married. I think it's under 25 years old. Have a 75% divorce rate. So you know what? I got married. Oh, and by the way, after my divorce? Okay, here's another thing. Do you know how many people after divorce are less likely to get married again? They appall marriage. Except for codependent people, they immediately get married to someone else, okay? So I don't know why that's any more relevant than the person who's failed in relationship or failed to get married. They're equally challenging because we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. Okay, by the way, now, this can sound like my whole, this whole video can sound like Jonathan. There's no hope, folks, there is hope. We have all these landmines in front of us. Awareness allows you to navigate the landmines. Discermin allows you to navigate the landmines. Vetting allows you to navigate the landmines to put the odds in your favor. May the odds forever be in your favor, Hunger Games. My job is to put your odds in your favor, the odds in your favor. Because yes, it is, listen, if you had a chance to get on an airplane and you knew the odds that we're gonna crash are pretty high, would you get on it? So wouldn't you want to invest? Like, I want you to think about this. Let's take a small plane, for example. Wouldn't you want to investigate the service record of a plane that you're gonna get on? Now we trust because we statistically know planes are safe. But wouldn't we want to know somebody who's a pilot? This is a great analogy. You're flying in a small plane with another human being. Okay, this is a great analogy. This is, oh, by the way, this is a perfect analogy now that I think about it. You just met a man. You know nothing about him. He says, I wanna fly you from Hawthorne, California to Santa Barbara or Palm Springs for the weekend. And you know nothing about his pilot record, his plane. You know nothing about it. But you'll just jump into it. That's what dating is like. Fuck, I'd wanna know how many hours he has on his belt. How long he's had this plane? When was the last time this plane was serviced? I'd ask these questions. Now, we assume this person most likely wouldn't get into a plane that he doesn't believe safe. But you know what? We got a lot of people who make grand mistakes. JFK Jr. should never have been fought. Okay, I don't know if there was a conspiracy. But let's just assume what happened was legit. He never should have got on that plane. He had a broken foot. He was flying VRLR or whatever. I mean, he was flying outside of his capacity and look what happened. We are dating these this way today. Does this analogy make sense? I think this is a great example of how naive people are. I just want you to ask good questions. Sandy, why are we afraid of connection when we desire it? Because we've been hurt. It's scary. That's why everybody's been hurt. Everybody who's been watching this channel, men or women alike have felt pain. And we try to avoid pain. We desire, by the way, think of health as an example. People are in such pain. We are one of the fattest countries in the world. Well, that's for different reasons. But we are so riddled with pain. We want to be healthy and fit and thin, but we're in so much pain. So many people are in pain that we eat as a way to soothe the pain. And dating is another form of overeating for many people. Does that help, Sandy? I hope so. Starting back, questions, starting back dating. How do I convey to a man I'd like to take physically slow for six weeks so this means not being alone together? You don't need to convey at other... You don't need... Listen, no guy's gonna say, hey, look, I take sex off the table for six weeks or three months. It's a turnoff. What you say to a person is, before I'm physically intimate with anyone in my life, I'd like to know that we built a fair amount of trust with each other and that we desire a long-term relationship and we build and we are going to be mutually exclusive with one another. This is how I operate. How do you operate? I need to build trust. You don't have to give a timeline. You just say those words. Tracy agrees, this is salmon. Thank you so much. Oh, Naughty Kitten says this is mauve on my screen. See? This is context, pink mauve salmon. See, we all view the world through our own lens and everybody reviews it differently. Hey, one of our face, by the way, if you wanna join my private group called Midlife Love Mastery, check out the link below to have direct access to me on a regular basis. Question, when a man asks after sex, did I satisfy you? My true answer is no, but I don't tell him that. What should I say? I'm not physically active and I'm not dating anyone. Yeah, that's a tough one. Because if you told us the truth, that would hurt our feelings, but if you lie to us, that's holding back on your own. I'm not the best at communicating this. I think what's important to say, I have, let me just be candid about my body. There are certain things that work for me versus other things. By the way, I've learned this with my own body. Certain types of blow jobs work better than others. And so I think people like, I've shared with women, do you wanna know what satisfies me? And they go, yeah. Now, if they're in their ego, no, they don't wanna hear that because they have their own version and men when they're in their ego have their own version, but would you like to know what works best on my body? Invite that question, see how they respond. I've asked, I've told women that and I've gotten such flack from women. Yeah, I'm being honest here. I've had women that literally have given me flack. I say, I know my body, this is what turns me on. Not everybody is the same. Everybody is slightly different. They like it a slightly different way. Some people like it aggressive. Some people like it soft. Some people like it varied. Some people like it all over the map. I've learned with giving oral, I've noticed women like different things. The good news is I've tried to practice all techniques. Anyway, I hope that answers your question to our Facebook group member. Our Ms. J, it took me six years to heal and now I'm in a great place. How can I protect my peace when I'm with a man with a still processing his own healing? Well, you don't take on his problems, number one. By the way, great that you're in a great place and you've healed, by the way. You don't take on his problems. You allow him to share. But I do believe people that are still in a pain state, oftentimes they bleed their pain on you or they use you as their therapist. And you can simply say, while I appreciate where you're at, I'm in a different place in my life. Is it possible we're not a good fit for one another? I'm being very blunt here. If you're still in pain, maybe you should go heal before we engage in a relationship together. I'm a big proponent of like two people being an aligned with one another. All right. An alignment with one another question. It's true in person meeting is the best. Can you provide a list of the best places to meet the highest percentage of normal men? Folks, you gotta first off, make a list of the things you like to do out in the real world and ask yourself, are men in these places? Okay. Instead of trying to fit into a man's narrative, fit into your narrative. By the way, the workshop I'm going to is Allison Armstrong's workshop. Allison Armstrong call it, the workshop is break from your freedom or it's in the end of October, I will be there. Allison Armstrong, can someone write this in the chat box? It's in Los Angeles, California by LAX airport. There's going to be men and women there. Go to workshops, go to yoga studios, go to anything where there's a congregation of people. Do what makes you happy though. TK says, thank you so much, Jonathan. I learned so much from you. I'm so happy to hear that. Maryland's planet says, are most men online immature and only focused on women much younger? A lot are, a lot of women are just as immature. You ladies are no picnic either. There are dysfunctional men, there are dysfunctional women. A lot of you have a lot of shit going on in your own life that makes it difficult for you to lean into a healthy, happy relationship. And yes, there was a lot of people using online as I did a video on this just recently, they use it for either hooking up or an unsuspecting therapist. So yes, the answer is everything to above. But learning how to navigate these landmines, that's what I teach. Someone, Aaron says, dusty rose shirt, interesting. Sylvia says, just an observation from online dating, women and men need to be more aware when a profile has nothing but a surface level or superficial description with little or no substance. I would agree, people that put, oh my God. So out of curiosity, I went on the league and I can't tell you, the women's profiles are horrific, the quality of the photographs, I mean, some women write some really clever things. I give a lot of credit, but then their photographs are so shitty. I mean, you ladies are fucking delusional and I get you're tired of the men that are holding up the fish. Okay, I get it, I get that. Wait a minute, do I have a picture? Oh, I gotta show you something. Folks, I went on a fishing trip last year. There's me with the guys. Do I post, should I post that on my profile? Should I post that on my dating profile when I'm ready to put it out there? Oh my God, I will get so much flack. Of course I won't do it, but it's a poor, first off, you ladies are just as bad. Would you fucking take ownership of this? 99% of the women's profiles I review are terrible. And yet you all think you're the 1%. This is the delusion humans are in. Let's keep going here. Sorry, I'm just reading. Yaz wants to recommend, my advice is get a hobby you love. If you're still bored, then date. I'm working from home with something I love. If I had this years ago, I wouldn't have felt bored and thought to need to date. Okay, I don't, maybe that didn't make sense to me. Oh, one of my Facebook members says, I love the analogy, vetting to a man's ability to fly a plane before getting on, like, I want you to think about this. Let's really get into this. Okay, I just came up with this. Dating, ladies, you're told to sit back in your feminine energy and let the man lead this whole masculine and feminine energy narrative. That's what I ranted on the beginning. It is akin to getting in an airplane with a man who has a small plane. I mean, you guys blindly, some women blindly get onto planes with men knowing very little about their record in flying and their ability to service their plane. As I said before, JFK Jr., by the way, not a smart move on his party at a broken foot, flying in conditions that were outside of his expertise on a plane that was a pretty powerful plane. And you guys are jumping into relationships with men who literally don't know how to fly an airplane because you're falling into love because Jonathan, we have so much amazing chemistry. It's so up the charts, chemistry. Yeah, but the flying of the plane requires somebody that knows what the fuck they're doing. I talked about the whole level of character and it's on you. You're just as equally as responsible. You know, JFK Jr.'s wife and sisters should have just said, no, but we blindly do things. Now again, there's, I'm sure, you know, no disrespect for them. I'm using this because it was a pretty popular thing that happened, excuse me, recognizable thing that happened. But it's akin to the way we date today. Anyway, just my rantings going on. Oh, Facebook group says, JFK pilot analogy, we take an air word from, we take their word for it, not the potential dates. Okay, Terry is in the house and she says, I keep meeting men that say they can only date one woman at a time. I personally cannot justify instantly committing to a guy only after a few dates. How do you respond to such a thing? Well, I'm very clear. I only want to date one person at a time. If I like a person and they like me, then I want to invest in getting to know them and spending regular time together is how I get to know a person, okay? If somebody's dating multiple people, that's a no for me. If you have a need to date and vet, now, let me be clear, meeting people do as many as you want. If you meet a person and you like them and you have a second date, or you actually, you met them and had a first date, okay? If after the first date, you want to see that person again, I like to get to know one person at a time. Let's take the word date out of the equation. I like to get to know one person at a time because let's just say a woman's getting to know several men at a time and he's getting to know several women at a time. Do you see how much, do you see the potential hazards? You start to like a guy, but he's liking a different girl or woman, excuse me. Do you see the problem here? Listen, I mean, by the way, Terry, you can do what's right for you. If that bothers you, then don't date them. Do, if your system works for you, then do what works for you. I'm just telling you, I'm speaking as a man. If a woman did that to me, I'd say, you know what? Then it's best you date, you know, go and do what you need to do, what's best for you. If I was that guy, that's what I would tell you, Terry. If you don't, folks, getting to know someone, by the way, it takes less than three weeks to know if you want, let's be realistic here. If you've seen someone three or four times in a period of three or four weeks, you know whether or not you like each other and hopefully you've had the radical honesty, laying your cards on the table, rules of engagement. If two people like each other, then explore getting to know one another. At least by the six week mark, okay? At least by the six week mark. But I will tell you this multiple circular dating is part of the problem. You've been sold this duty dating, circular dating as this way of protecting yourself. If you have to protect yourself, then you're not ready to date, in my opinion. Terry, but you do what's best for you, okay? This is just, I am offering a perspective. I'm not saying right or wrong, I merely have given you perspective here, everyone, to make your own choices. Does anyone agree with me on this one? I'd be curious to know. Oh my God. Earth Angel says, juggling people can be disastrous. You can get to know someone if not invested in giving them all, giving them your energy. Exactly, you don't have to give someone your entire energy, you're just taking a little break to get to know one person over a three week period. And then if you feel like there's potential, then you go, you invest more. But by the way, now I understand people can gum and go quickly. I'm talking about two people who are intentional, two people who are intentional about a serious commitment. This is why you ask these deeper questions before you ever go out on a date, on the telephone, ask these deeper questions to determine if you're on the same place. Wait a minute, Terry goes on to say, it's the first time we meet out, haven't had a first date. His date, he wants to take me on going for a walk. Gotcha. Again, I'm differentiating between a meet and greet. Meet and greet as many people as you want. If then you have a first date with someone, after that, if the two of you wanna see each other again and you've done it in a relatively short period of time and you wanna see each other again in a short period of time, don't disperse your energy with multiple people, that's just what I'm merely suggesting, okay? And Sharon says, I agree. Carol says, I agree. Katie says, taking sex off the table for the first few weeks is not a turnoff for the right guy. Exactly, even Lewis Howes, who's somebody who has the School of Greatness publicly stated it took a month before him and his now engaged partner. I think her name is Martha. They took it off the table for the first month and they saw each other a lot of time. He devoted to one person, she devoted to one person to get to know one person. It's worth it instead of dispersing your energy. By the way, but again, if that system works for you ladies, then do it. All right. Hey, listen, I'm starting to get parched here. Did you find value in this conversation? If you did, please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. As always, if you find value in these videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video. As I always do, first off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow. There's a teddy bear. Give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Janet and Melissa and Paula and Kathy and Sandy and Sharon, Carol, McCoy, Hillfarm, Katie, Lori, Sherry, Earthangel, Terry, Facebook group members, Daisy, Hesbouter, Tina J.M., Melissa, Cyberchin, Gigi, Catherine W. Everyone, big hugs. Have a great day. Bye now.