 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Feeling low, feeling tense. These eight words are common sense. Smoke a lucky to see that I have a best smoke. Millions of smokers are learning that Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. That's what fine tobacco can do for you. And L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, puff by puff, pack by pack. You'll really enjoy this fine, light, naturally mild Lucky Strike tobacco. And you'll agree that Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike, and get on the lucky level where you feel and do your level best. Yes, smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, the sportsman and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, for 16 years, I've been introducing the star of our show. And after all those years, you'd think I'd run out of things to say about him. Well, I have. So here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don. Don, that wasn't a very nice introduction. Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but after 16 years, I just couldn't think of anything new. Oh, you couldn't, eh? Well, Don, I'm sure that if I were introducing you, I wouldn't have that trouble. Oh, yes, you would, Jack. You've been saying the same things about me for years. Well, I'll bet you can't say anything that I haven't heard before. Oh, yes, I can, Don. What? You're fired. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Ladies and gentlemen, we'll proceed... Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jack, you're not serious, are you? Well... You can't fire me. After all, I've got a wife and three chins to support. Don, stop worrying. You've been with me for 16 years, and I hope you're... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hello, Don. Hello, Mary. I'm sorry I'm late, Jack, but my car wouldn't start this morning, and I had to take the bus. Oh, that's all right. Well, say, Mary, if your car ever gives you trouble again, why don't you call on me? I'll drive you down. You've seen my new car, haven't you? Yes, I have, Don. And on you, it looks good. It certainly does. Hey, Mary, I understand you called me on the phone yesterday. What did you want? Well, you always like to know when I get letters from my mother, and I got one yesterday. In fact, I brought it with me. Oh, a letter from your mother, eh? Uh-huh. Well, what does the Mark Kettle of Plainfield have to say? Well, just a second. I'll read it to you. Okay. My darling daughter, Mary. As you'll notice from the stationery, I'm writing this from the Plainfield Hotel. The reason we're here is because three days ago, we shut the house up and had it fumigated on account of the pests. We got rid of them all except your Uncle Lou and cousin Willie. Well, it's about time. We really don't... Your mother didn't start out very funny, incidentally. Go ahead. We really don't mind Willie as he's very little bobber. He spends all his time down in the basement with his printing press. He has to work night and day because his biggest competitor is the United States government. Your mother writes them all right. You just can't read them. I was blaming the mother. Go ahead, Mary. I'm sorry. Well, there's more. Oh, well. Anyway, Mary dear, I kind of like Willie because he's so sweet and thoughtful. Every Mother's Day, he gives me a $10 bill with my picture on it. Well, I guess I was right in the first place. Now, for a paragraph or two about your sister, Babe. Ah, good. This is the part I like. Since the warm weather is here, your sister, Babe, got herself one of those new French bathing suits. She tried it on yesterday and I haven't seen so much of Babe. Since the doctor said it's a girl. However, she's very happy with the suit. Next month she's entering a swimming contest. A contest? I didn't even know that she could swim. Oh, sure, Jack. Babe's a regular mermaid. Well, I've noticed the resemblance the wrong half looks like a fish. I'm funnier than your mother today. Continue with the letter, Mary. Okay. And, Mary dear, you'll be happy to know that Babe is also taking dancing lessons from Arthur Murray. Well. She got his well deal too. He teaches her dancing and she fixes his plumbing. I knew she could do it. You know, Mary, I'd rather write some of the funniest letters than I've ever heard. She certainly does, Mary. They're loaded with laughs. Yeah, they're a scream. Oh, hello, Dennis. When'd you come in? When they found out Mary's sister, Babe, was a girl. Oh, then you missed the start of the letter. Would you like me to read it to you? Oh, no. I'll hear it on tonight's rebroadcast. Oh, yes, yes. By the way, Dennis, you were off the program last week. Was anything wrong? Oh, no, Mary. Mr. Benny gave me a week off so I could go away for a little vacation. I sure enjoyed myself. I went fishing on Lake Mead. Well, how was the fishing, Dennis? Oh, it was wonderful. And boy, was I lucky. Well, what'd you catch? A four trout, three perch, five bass, and a high-button shoe. A high-button shoe? Yeah, but it was too small so I had to throw it back. Oh, fine. He caught a shoe. You'll see the hip boot that got away. Oh, quiet. I wish I could get away and do a little fishing. That's one of my favorite sports. Fishing? Yeah. What a thrill it is to hook a silvery rainbow trout, one of nature's loveliest creations. What a sight as it breaks the water in a shimmering shower of glistening drops and the sunlight reflecting on its iridescent beauty. Look how he describes the fish. Me, he can't see anything nice. What are you talking about? Nothing, nothing. Say, Dennis, how long were you at Lake Mead? Well, we were there for a whole week and I spent all my time out on the boat. A whole week on a boat? A vest there, you landlubber. Lobbered the starboard and dropped the anchor. Look, Dennis. Give him a timber as a man, the pumps that will all drown like rats. Dennis, that's enough. Ohoy me, hearties, batten the Barton and pooping down the poop deck. What happened to Durston and Osmo? Now, Dennis, that's enough. Do you hear? Toe that talk, Mr. Christian, or I'll swing you from the highest jot under the British fleet. Oh, for him. Mary, see what you can do with him, will you? Dennis, Jack is right. Why don't you just... Let the men mutiny my lass and don't worry, the ship may be rocking and pitching, but I'll sail it through this hurricane or...or...or... Dennis, what's the matter? I'm seasick. Good, good. Now look, Popeye, it's time for your song. What are you going to sing? Careless Hands. Okay, let's have it. Hi, I, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we are going to do our version of that Warner Brothers picture, the treasure of the Sierra Madre. And I better cast it right now. I, of course, will play the leading role Of course. Certainly. Listen, I'll give a performance that'll sit... Okay, folks, you're all in clover because Harris is here and this lull is over. Why do you always have to come in here and ask the audience to applaud? Well, I ain't going to get no laughs with the jokes you give me, and I want to hear some kind of noise. Well, you've got no right to complain about the jokes. You get as many laughs on this program as I do. That's what I mean. I want to hear some kind of noise. Applaud me, Popeye. Now! I'll read the stuff that's written here, but I thought a little ad livin' would livin' things. Ah, hiya, Liv! Fine, just left them. You know, this being the first day of May, I drove them over to the park for a big May party. A May party? Yeah, you should've seen all them kids. They look so cute as they danced around me. Dance around you? Didn't they have a May pole? Yeah, but I was prettier. Let me sit down with you, Dennis. I'm seasick, too. Phil, you should've seen Mary's letter from her mother. Nice, huh? Yeah, she wrote the letter stuttery. She wrote it that way. But look at Phil. You know, between you and Remly, I've never seen you, too. Wait a minute, Jackson. Hold it, Dad. Just a minute, bud. I don't care what you say about me, but don't pick on Remly. Phil, Phil, calm down. Yeah, what's wrong? Well, may as well tell you why I've always tried to protect Remly. You see, well, I promised Frankie's poor old mother that I'd always look after him. Oh, when was that? When she threw him out of the house. And I don't like to brag, Jackson, but I've taken pretty good care of Frankie during all these years. By the way, Phil, it's none of my business, but how much do you pay Frankie? Well, I don't give him no regular salary. I just take care of these needs like room, board, and bail. No, fine. Say, Jackson, before I go, there was something I wanted to ask you. Oh, yeah, look, last week you told me you were going to buy a new car. What kind did you get? I didn't get any, Phil, but I may get a new one this summer. Well, look, be sure you get one of them new models that comes equipped with the Dynaplex Super Flowing Uniget Turbo Vascular, which is synchromashed with the Multicoil Hydro Tension Duo Vacuum Dynomodder. They come in the Modder and Fodder Modder. Last word. Listen, that was amazing. I mean, how'd you ever say that? A Harvard man fixes Mati. You've got to be leaving so long, kids. So long, Phil. Hey, folks, I'm leaving. You want to throw just one more on me? Phil, get out of here! Boy, what a character. You know, Jack, Phil is conceded. Conceded? Mary, you should have heard the things he told me yesterday while I was giving him a Tony. Now, where were we? Well, you were casting the play we're going to do. Oh, yes, the treasure of the Sierra Madre. Now, Don, you're going to be my partner when we go hunting for gold. And Dennis, you're going to be the old prospector, the part that was played by Walter Houston. And let's see, where's Mel Blank? Here I am, Jack. Folks, it's Mel Blank. Give him a big hand. I'm going to be in the play. Why don't you just give him applause? Well, Mary, I have to. It's in his contract. You mean, you give him money and applause, too? No money, just applause. It's amazing, you know, how much you can save when you've got a lot of hams working for you. Now, Mel, you're going to be the leader of the Mexican bandits. And oh, yes, Dennis, besides being the old prospector, you'll come in later as one of the bandits. Gee, two parts. It's hard to believe I can sing, too. Yeah, yeah. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our version of Warner Brothers' thrilling adventure story, The Treasure of the Ciara Madre. As our scene opens, it's a hot, humid, sultry day, and a lonely, hungry, penniless American is roaming the streets of Tampico, Mexico. All I've been doing for two whole days, no place to sleep, nothing to eat, nothing to drink. And I'll see what I can do in this saloon. Hey, this place is crowded. Hey, bartender. Bartender. Is he in your? What will you have? Give me three fingers. Three fingers of what? Just three fingers. I'm hungry. Give me three fingers of anything. I don't get something to eat pretty soon. I'll go crazy. Hi, big boy. It's good to see an American down here even though you do need a shave and your clothes are torn. It's like a derelict. It's a matter. It's a long story. I used to be a famous radio comedian. I had a big house, a swimming pool, and everything. And all of a sudden, I'm a bum. What happened? Television. Television? What's that? I don't know, but the wrestlers have all the good writers. Anyway, let's not talk about me. That's a girl like you doing way down here in Mexico. I work in the Tampico branch of the make company. They have a branch in Mexico? Yeah, I'm in the Jose department. That's better than your mother's letter. Well, look, sister, how about you and me? Hey, Bokey. Bokey. I've been looking all over town for you. Who's your friend? That's my partner, Curtin, Sam Curtin. He and I came down here looking for gold. Yeah, gold. Every time I think of it, I go crazy. Gold. Gold. They can see it now. There it is. There it is. It's mine. It's mine. Gold. Gold. Put that back. That's my pivot tool. You know, sister, he goes crazy every time he thinks of gold. Well, doesn't gold mean anything to you? Eh, I can take it or love it. I mean, leave it. If you boys are interested in looking for gold, there's an old prospect around here who knows every foot of the Sierra Madre. If he can get him go with you, you'll strike it rich. Where does the old prospector live? Well, you can't miss it. You go right down Flamingo Road. Flamingo Road. Flamingo Road. Flamingo Road. Are you stuttering? No, but I promised Warner Brothers I'd mention it three times. Come on, curtain. Let's go. It must be the house where the old prospector lives. Yeah, knock on the door. Howdy, Bob. Timer, my name is Humphrey Bogie. What's yours? Titus Houston. Well, we've heard that you know all about the gold and the Sierra Madre, and we thought maybe you'd come up into the mountains with it. Sorry, son, but I'm too old for that now. There was a time when I used to go up into them hills and stay for months and months at a time, but then it would get me. I was only human, you know. I'd have to come back, be back in town with a load of gold, and in a couple of nights I'd blow it all in. Women, eh? No Kleenex. I got hay fever. Well, look, old Timer, if you won't go with us, maybe you can tell us where we can find the gold. Sure. Here's a map of old Mexico. See, you can't go wrong. You take the main road through Tampico and you pass El Paso. After you pass El Paso, you go through El Thruo and turn left at El Lefto. What if we turn El Raido? That's El Rongo. Oh, is that where the gold is? Nope. That's where you buy your burrows. Burrows? Yep. There's a place right on the corner. Mad Man Hernandez. And he'll sell them to us? Yep, but you'll have to carry an awful lot of water for them. Why? Hernandez wanted his burrows to look like Buick so he cut holes in their sides. Oh, well, we've got to be getting along, old Timer. You sure you don't want to come with us? Nope, but I'll see you later. You will? Yep, I come back on page 12 as a Mexican bandit. Well, come on, Curtin. Let's go. What's the matter, Bogey? You look unhappy. Well, why shouldn't I be? We've got the map. We know where the gold is, but we can't get it because we don't have any money to buy equipment. Oh, señor, señor. Huh? In there, in the saloon, there's a telephone call for you. In there, for you. In the saloon, in there. Huh? For you. For me? In there. Is that an important call? Uh-huh, uh-huh! She, an important call. For you. A telephone call for me. Who could it be? I'm 2,000 miles away from home. Well, I might as well find out. Come on, Curtin. Wait for me at the bar, Curtin. I'll answer the phone. Okay. Hello? Yeah, speaking. Huh? Sure I can answer that. The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620. Thank you. Goodbye. Hey, Curtin. Curtin. What's up, Bogey? We got the burrows, the picks, the shovels, the sleeping bags, and a refrigerator. Where'd you get them? That phone call. I just want them on a quiz program. Tacos or leave it. Good. Now let's go and find it gold. All right, before we go, I want to buy drinks for the house. Okay, everybody. The drinks are on me. Come on, everybody, up to the bar. Hey, Bogey, those four Mexicans just came in a wavin' at ya. Where? Oh, yeah. Buenos dias, amigos. Come on, boys. I'll pay for it. Let's have a song. Downbeat gold, downbeat gold. On the golf club, Mexico. Downbeat gold, lucky life to rest. You will feel you're a commandant of lister. There's a lucky and everyone's lister. And they please every missus and mister. Facts are gold. Yeah, ten more sacks and then we'll... Wait. But I haven't got a gun. What did you say, Curtin? I haven't got a gun. Oh, that's ridiculous. Who ever heard of a curtain without a rod? Here they come now. Oh, they're not their horses. They're walking this way. Well, we'll just have to try and bluff them. Hey, you. Come here. Are you a Mexican bandit? Si. Bogey, your men are tough. I guess they would kill us at a drop of a hat. Si. What's your name? Si. Si. I mean Si. We're, we're hunters. That's all we are. You do not fool me. You have some gold and we want it. If you don't give it to us, we will kill you. I think. Me and my partner have been out in these mountains for three months. Yeah, we found some gold. But don't take all of it. Let us keep half. That's a fair proposition, isn't it? We'll give you a half. I will talk it over with my lieutenant. Oh, Henry. Henry Sierra. Coming, madre. What is it, El Capitan? The gentleman here with the gold and made a proposition. Oh, si. What is it? Estas vosotros dicen que si no los matamos, ellos nos darán la mitad de del oro. Si los matamos, tendríamos que cagar ton todo. Por lo tanto, con ya os cerro el oro, y matarlos después. What did he say? What did he say? He said you better give us the gold because these eight guns make common sense. What? When these guns are smoking, you ain't lucky. No, no, Banditos. Please don't shoot us. We'll give you the gold. El Capitan, if we take the gold, we will need a burro. Si. We will take the little burro. It is equipped with a dining flex, super-flowing uni jet turbo vascular, which is synchronized with a multi-coil hydro-attention duo vacuum dynamometer, I think. Well, Banditos, take our gold. Take our burros, but don't kill us. I will tell you what I do, senor. I give you a fighting chance. Here's a weapon for you and a weapon for me. What? You count to ten and may the best hombre win. All right. Two, three. Not yet. Four, five, six. Wait a minute. Seven, eight. You're cheating. I think. Nine, ten. You missed me. That's better. Oh. Bogey. Bogey, when he started shooting, why didn't you shoot back? I couldn't. He gave me a knife. Goodbye, curtain. It can be lost through fire. Don't let it happen in your home, in public places, or in the country. Be careful. Be on guard against fire. Prevent fires in your community. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. But first. Feeling low. Feeling tense. Please take words are common sense. Small. To feel your level best. Small. Feel your level best. Smoke a lucky. Or it's a fact that lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. It's important to know that fine tobacco can do this for you. And lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes? LS MFT. LS MFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, ripe, naturally mild tobacco. No wonder more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen, smoke lucky strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So when you choose your cigarette, remember, lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. Yes? Be sure to make your next carton of cigarettes. Lucky strike. Smoke a lucky. To feel your level best. More. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this concludes another program, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night. Well, Jack. When we, huh? Jack. What? While you were doing the sketch, a wire came for you from Humphrey Bogart. From who? Humphrey Bogart. Not from Humphrey Bogart? There we go. What's the matter with you today? A wire came to me from Humphrey Bogart? Yes. Well, read it to me. This wire you don't read. You twist it around your neck. In the life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned for the Amazon Andy Show that follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.