 Captain's log, star date 22-99-04-15. The USS Isaiah Cook has arrived in the Winkward system. Our mission? To scan for habitable planets and expand humanity's positive influence into the far reaches of the galaxy. Space is a cold, dark place, and it's our duty as natural-born heroes to spread our light to other sentient species for the prosperity and mutual advancement of us all. So let's get out there and collect some data! Well said, sir. Aye aye, Captain. Ready for your orders. Why am I the only one that looks different? Scanners online. Incoming transmission! Zoomans! You have been officially declared the worst, and your reign of terror will soon come to an end! Executor, you must be confusing us with the zoomans. They look just like us, except they're terrible. We are familiar with the fanatic spiritualist xenophiles you speak of, but your crimes far outweigh their total lameness. Crimes? Please. Humans are the best thing to happen to this entire wretched quadrant. No one dislikes us. I'm not sure I'm high enough ranked to be having this conversation. We are the Federation Against Humanity. Your villainy against our people will no longer be tolerated. What are you talking about? We were the humans' first friends after you figured out spaceflight, and then you broke our defensive pact and left us for dead. You blocked off our only hyper lane to the rest of the galaxy. That's on you. You paid for mercenaries to attack our undefended colony! You, on several previous occasions, made very rude comments at our expense. It was only a matter of time before you declared war. You stole a planet filled with primitives we had been cultivating for our own empire. Okay, first off, the place was called Radical Prime. I mean, how could we resist that? Also, the primitives ended up being the zoomans, so I think we can all agree you came out on top there. It matters not. Rebel human factions are constantly attacking our ships in unclaimed space. Your species actively prevents further study of our galaxy. Well, that's hardly our fault. They're rebelling against us, too. And all we did was rash in food sources to try and get our energy out of the red. We are the good guys here, righting wrongs, preventing disasters. A group of our corvettes is stopping a deadly asteroid from hitting the Pyranite homeworld as we speak. They already blew up the asteroid. Man, anyone? Apocalypse zero. Take that, rocks. Incoming transmission from the rocks. You just destroyed our mother. Ship? No. It is literally impossible to not be a villain by these standards, okay? We are just trying to do the right thing, just like all of you. Like, well, like most of you. Some of you. A lot of you are actually way worse. Outstanding. There's nobody but proper soldiers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. You, bird face, you straight up own slaves. Yeah, your entire economy is based around buying and selling everybody else here. Alexa. Sino scum. I've personally seen the remains of the planets you've cracked in half. If you're gonna keep breaking them, you don't deserve any more planets. And Newt Newts, you... Well, you're adorable. Our lesser species will be exterminated, processed, and fed to our allies for sustenance. Okay, yikes, but also checkmate. Taking out our misdeeds does not forgive your own. Look, why don't we all just accept that we've accidentally committed a few war crimes and come back to this conversation once we all naturally turn on each other after running out of space and resources? We're all on the same side here. For now. Incoming transmission. Ah, gross, this is humans. This is where humans are the true scourge of the stars. You do whatever you please while simultaneously praising your own moral superiority. You are a hypocrite. Okay, fine. You want proof that we are the good guys? Patch it on through. Oh, hey. You might have accidentally hit your answer button there, buddy. It was on purpose not being so lame. By the authority that I totally have as a science officer, on behalf of the human race, I hereby accept your offer of... What did you want? Oh, wow, I don't know. We were just kind of hoping someone would want to talk to us. Pick something. Shoot, how about a federation? You can name it if you want, but I was thinking best friends club. Sure, whatever. You see, an alliance with somebody so far below us, we couldn't possibly gain anything from them. Who's the villain now? Guys, they said yes. Yes, someone said yes, finally. Just kidding. Hey, have you heard the good word about the shroud? This was a mistake. Thank you again for watching.