 Okay, we are back, episode number two in one day. What's up everybody, Drew here from thatanxietyguide.com as with me, as always, Billy from Anxiety United in the UK. Hello. What's up, Bill? So we're gonna do, we're doing two in one day here for those of you who are noticing Billy's Yankee hat, New York Yankee hat, still on, not a week later. We're doing two in a row. We are doing the next in our little Anxiety 101 series. This is based on an article that I wrote many moons ago that I'll link in the video description or wherever you happen to be watching this, go read along with us. And we're just taking each segment of the article as we go and kind of tearing it apart, spending 15 to 30 minutes, kind of talking about each concept. And today we're gonna talk about the idea that there is really no comfortable way to effectively get out of this anxiety and panic situation. There's gonna be some discomfort involved. It's a sticking point for many people, would you agree? I would, I think you said it best on a video whenever it was a long time ago when you said that if you just sit and do nothing, it's not like a normal, like if you have the flu, you can sit, your body will adapt, it'll rid the virus and you will recover. But with this, if you sit and do nothing, you will get nothing. Yeah, yeah. And many times you'll make things worse. Yes, I have said there is no immune response to anxiety. Yeah, yeah. So let's start with that, that's really good. So there's no comfortable way. Let's say you do get the flu, you get sick, you get a stomach bug or something. The normal thing that we would do in those situations is we retreat, maybe you'll call into work and not go in or you stay from school or whatever it is. You'll retreat into your own, you know, your home, you're gonna stay on the sofa or whatever, you're gonna rest. I'm just gonna rest, I'm gonna lay on the sofa and watch TV or sleep or whatever it is. And you're gonna kind of recover because your body automatically, maybe you're taking a little medicine, but whatever there's an immune response, your body will get you past that. And then you're back in the game, right? But retreat and rest is absolutely the wrong way to deal with this, the wrong way to deal with this. That would seem the comfortable way. And I think that kind of segues us into this. That would seem the comfortable way. So if I'm afraid to be in the shopping mall or in my car, it's a whole lot more comfortable just to say, I just need to rest. You know, I need to be, I hear words like, you know what, let's just start ruffling feathers right from the get-go in this one. Go on, go on. Let's go with it, bring it. So, you know, I'm from New York, you got a Yankee hat on, we're gonna ruffle some feathers. So yeah, so I hear this all the time. I hear, be kind to yourself. Now that's not bad, that's not bad advice. We should always treat ourselves with respect, right? Be kind to ourselves, take it easy, take it slow, rest. Yeah, yeah. And the worst one, it's okay. Like, it's not effing okay. Yeah, yeah. Like, and we have to accept that. So, I'll throw this at you, you can ruffle some feathers on this too, but when I see those things. You're doing a good job. Hey, come on, you gotta get in there with me. I'm not gonna be the only one with hate mail. When I see those statements online, it kind of freaks me out a little bit and I wanna yell into the screen sometimes, like, no, it's not okay. And let's not misinterpret treat yourself kindly or treat yourself well. Like, the misinterpretation of that as it's okay that you can't drive, just hang out at home until you can. Yeah, yeah. It could not be more incorrect. And I think you'd probably agree that the reason why we fall into that trap is that just hang out at home until you're able to drive is the most comfortable thing to do. The longer that you leave it between attempting to do something the more difficult it gets. 100%, I mean, if I've spent a week at home, maybe I've got a bit of extra work on, I work from home. So if I don't leave the house for a week even if it's just to nip to the shop or whatever it is the next time that I do, there's definitely anxiety. There's definitely more apprehension before I even leave the house. It's not necessarily harder once I'm out but it's that building up that courage again. You feel like you've gotta just start generating the courage that you had to display that first time that you ever did it. Whereas at the moment, I'm going out of the house every day at the moment like numerous times to go and see my dad. And I'm not even thinking about leaving the house. It's not even a question. It's just a case of I've now got to go and I go and do it, I come back. And even if I feel like junk while I'm out it's not gonna stop me from doing it. It's just like, I'm in the routine, I guess. It's building positive memories, isn't it? Right, it is. And so there are times when you are out dealing with your dad's situation and now it's becoming easy and easy to get at the door obviously. It's a normal thing for you to do now. But even when you're out at times you may feel uncomfortable, right? Like you said, you feel like crap when you're out. And the natural, let me look at what I wrote here. You know what? It's human instinct. We are creatures of comfort and safety. So we always want to go to a place of comfort and safety and a lower energy level. And we're trying to find that tranquility all the time. Some may argue that there are people among us, I might be one of them that thrive on chaos a little bit, like I do well in that situation. But generally speaking, we're gonna seek quiet and comfort and safety. So it's normal to do that. But in this situation, like Billy just illustrated, the longer you seek the comfortable route, the harder it becomes to actually get on a real route that will lead to some progress. And let's talk about some of the ways that we know people try and find comfortable ways to do it. We were talking a little bit before we went on the air here. And I wrote, don't waste your time or money on books, CDs, DVDs, or websites that claim to have a cure for panic attacks, unless you're willing to face your fear, head on as part of the process. I think the first time that I ever saw cognitive behavior therapy, I went there with the mindset that I'm gonna go here for eight weeks. The therapist is gonna teach me or he's gonna do something, he's gonna tell me something that's just gonna switch it all off. And that was the mindset that I had. And at the end of the eight weeks, I learned nothing and I just went home and just continued on the path of anxiety because I'd just gone in there expecting whatever somebody else was gonna fix this for me. That was the easy way. And that it would somehow be like, well, the doctor will fix this, the therapist is gonna fix it. That otherwise, what's the point of me going to see someone if I've gotta do the hard work? That's a good aside. That's the reality. Yeah, and that's expectations. The third time that I went, I knew a bit more about everything. I did use some of the stuff but it still didn't do a lot for me but I'd noticed that obviously I've gotta do the hard work and that's the pitfall of many, many people, I think. Maybe sometimes you'll go on a path and you'll start making progress but then it gets a bit hard because obviously your tolerance gets a bit more. You can do more, do more but there does come a point where it feels like I'm happy now. I can walk 300 yards, I can go to the shop, get my tea bags, that'll do. And then people switch off and I've done a victim of that many a time where I've reached that comfortable level and just thought, okay, this'll do, we'll stay here but it doesn't take long to slip back if you don't carry on. I think that's true for people like us. Whenever you're happy being comfortable we run the risk of sliding backwards to a certain extent, like you said. So yes, you've conquered this but I can get to the local shop, I can drive my kids to school, whatever it happens to be, I'm good now. And then when you start to rest and stop pushing as far as you can, yeah. I think you made a point in a video, a few videos back where you said if you include the bit I can do anything if or as long as, remember when you said that. So if you're still using that at the end then you're not any further forward than you were initially really. Okay. The fear is still there. That's true, I can do, right, I can do anything as long as I have so-and-so in the car with me or I have my mince or my pills, whatever it is. That's true. You may as well just not do anything if you ain't gonna do everything. So I think the key concept that we're just gonna hammer this again and again and again is like, you know. With me brofling feathers. Yeah, it's okay. But I don't, it's totally fine. I'm not somebody that does everything so I'm beating myself with the same stick. But in the end, I can do anything so long as. Like I'm fine as long as, you know, I hear this all the time, women will say like, I'm fine as long as I have my boyfriend or my husband with me, or men too as long as I have my wife with me or whoever, you know. The reason why you want that person or whatever the safety device is, mints, water, coloring book, your phone, whatever it happens to be, that that's your crutch, it makes you feel comfortable. Like that's safety. Like well, my phone will save me. I can call somebody. And you're trying to find a way to get away from being uncomfortable. And in the end, so the same thing with your first experience with cognitive behavior therapy, if you go in and say, okay, here's the deal. This is gonna be hard work and I am going to be freaking uncomfortable a lot while I do this. You know, the outcome is usually way better because when I hear people say that therapy doesn't work, that doesn't work, it doesn't work for me. Well, it usually doesn't work because of the expectation of comfort and safety. Like well, this will be easy and I won't have to do any hard work. So if you're really serious about moving forward in this, the first things that you're gonna have to deal with is the idea that I'm gonna be afraid and uncomfortable on purpose. And I'm gonna work hard. This is an active process that requires hard work, persistence and tenacity every single day and the willingness to intentionally make yourself uncomfortable. The goal. No, and you know what? And if you can't fully embrace that right now, I truly think that progress can be made but it's a tenuous progress. It's one that can disintegrate on you quickly because you're really not addressing the key thing which is like bring it, bring the fear, bring the discomfort. There's nothing behind it. It's completely toothless. There's no real basis for any of this fear and I'm gonna put myself right in the middle of it intentionally so that I learn that through experience. And if we're not willing to do that, we're just sort of tilting it windmills in a lot of ways. Yeah, yeah. So the second time I ever had cognitive behavior therapy because I've had it three times via the NHS and the second time, I think we'd done like three sessions in the building, just sitting, talking. And then the next time that I went, I had a new therapist just for one session and she took me out of the building and it was in like the town and she wanted me to walk. So we did this walking and I was freaking out and it was horrible. But we walked like maybe 100 yards and then we stopped and she said, right, I want this to become your safe place now. So we were sort of making me the safe place and then we'd expand a bit further and then I didn't go again because I freaked out so much. So that was me. I wasn't willing to be uncomfortable. I'm comfortable, right. You want to avoid it. Yeah, but the progress that I made on that one session, I did feel so much better. Yeah. And it made me think like, this is definitely the way. But I, and then when it came around to next week, it was like, I ain't doing that again. And that's where the bravery and the courage comes in. You've got to be willing to take those hits, haven't you? You do have to be willing to take those hits, but I think you would probably agree that the hit becomes easier to take every single time you do it. It does, it's just believing in yourself. Right. Even though the decrease in discomfort might be small each time, but every single time you confront that thing. So pick something that makes you uncomfortable today. If you're watching us right now, pick one thing that makes you really uncomfortable. I don't care if it's just opening the front door and standing on the front step of your house. If that's what makes you uncomfortable, then resign yourself today to actually do that even just for 30 seconds. And it will be easier the second time you do it. Get yourself together any way you can. I don't care. And then do it again an hour later and then do it again and again and again until your neighbors think you are batshit crazy because you keep going out and standing on the front step. Who cares? But the point is put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Understand it's gonna suck. You're gonna be afraid. You're gonna be uncomfortable. Expect all of those things to happen. Use your coping skills the best way you can. Ignore your symptoms. Let's try all the previous episodes together. And as you go, every single time you do that, you will be less uncomfortable. But if you're not willing to start being uncomfortable and afraid, then you got a long road time. What I was saying before, I don't know if people are thinking that I was saying, if you can't do anything, or if you can't do everything, don't do anything, I didn't mean that what I'm saying is, if you're still struggling to do something, then still work at doing whatever it is till you're completely free of it. So yes, the small steps are necessity. Necessary. Oh my God. They are necessary. And you know what? And do them. But if there comes a point where, as I was saying, if you get to something, I can do this as long as, then we need to work on that as well. So let's keep going. Don't get to a point, that's what I'm saying. Don't get to your shop and think that you've won. Keep going. Keep going. And I would say that's true. You know, when you get to the shop and you haven't been able to get there for a year, you've won in that moment. And yes, give a fist pump and be proud of yourself and celebrate. But then understand that it only matters if you go home and then come back again two hours later. Or go to the next shop from there. So no one victory in this war, no one battle that you win wins the war. They all add up. Yeah, keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Right, so when you get to the point where you feel that you are now comfortable, that's usually a hint that says, there's something else I haven't tackled yet. And I will even say for me, and I am now years down the road from being in the worst place that I've ever been. And to the point where now I'm flying all over the place and I'm traveling on business, and I feel like I have gotten to the point where, yeah, sure I can do anything, then there's no as long as. Yeah, yeah. But even so, it's super easy, and I will tell you this, I did experience some very high anxiety two days ago. I had, it was some of the roughest panic that I have encountered in probably 15 years. And even for somebody like me who has come all the way down this road and is bold enough to think I have something to offer by making videos like this, even in my situation, yesterday was a struggle. Yesterday was uncomfortable because the old habits and the old responses are still there. So yesterday, even for me, not that I'm anything special, but people say, well, you must be cured. But even for me, you all think that I'm cured and I'm like better, I intentionally had to be very uncomfortable most of yesterday to make sure that that event did not represent a slight backwards for me. Yeah. So sadly for people like us, it may almost never be over, but I will tell you this, I don't even think about it anymore. Yesterday was tough, I'm all good today. So there was no comfortable way. There was no comfortable way. Like I really just wanted to like not leave my house yesterday. I really wanted to do that, but I made myself be very uncomfortable all day long yesterday. And by the end of the day, it was good again. So what am I saying here? So in the end, I can't say the word necessary for some reason. We're all good. I can't say numbness we were talking about. So in the end, when you accept that there's no comfortable way and you are willing to go down that road, what you are learning to do is not be afraid of your anxiety, your panic, your symptoms, your own body and mind anymore. And when you get to that point, and this is the biggest thing you have to do, that courage and accepting that you're gonna be uncomfortable, when you are no longer afraid of having a panic attack, you win. The war is over. You'll still have to mop up now and then, but that's where we're getting at. All of the blabbling that we're doing on YouTube and in my podcast and what you're doing, it all gets to that point. When you get to the point where right now you are not afraid of having the worst possible panic attack you can think of, who cares? It's like stubbing your toe. You win the war. And so let's start here with accepting that we're gonna be uncomfortable on the way to get there. But the reward is freaking enormous. It's crazy, because you don't really think of it like that when you're in the midst of it. Like you're worried about the symptoms, you're worried about going to the supermarket, you're worried about parents' evenings at school and stuff like that. But when it all boils down to it, that is exactly what it is. You're scared of having that panic attack and that's the whole thing. That's what it all is about. The disorder is the modification of your lifestyle because you're afraid of how you might feel or what you might think. And when you aren't afraid of how you're gonna feel anymore. The annoying thing is it's not even how you will. It's how you might. And that's what... Exactly right. So you have to get to the point where you say, well, you know what? I'm going to my daughter's dance recital today and I may have like a massive panic attack while I'm sitting there, but I don't care. It isn't gonna matter to me. If I do, I do. If I don't, I love this, right? I love feeling like this. So in a way, and the first time that you fully embraced that and you do that and you feel like a freaking superhero. So I know I feel like I'm all riled up on this topic, but it's a real thing. It's a real thing. And a pox. I've been through it. We were talking about this before we went live. A pox on anybody who's out there trying to take money from people to cure their panic in an easy way. Because it doesn't exist. In the end. You can't read a book and be okay. No, no. You can read a book and get a lot of good advice. Oh yeah, 100%. I've picked up things that I use. Yeah. Definitely, definitely. But nobody's gonna fix it but you in the end. So if you're looking for help and you're gonna spend your money on a website or a program or whatever, I actually wrote CDs and DVDs. How old is this article? But if you're gonna spend money on books, audio books or programs or whatever, if they aren't giving you work to do, and it doesn't involve facing your fear, if that program doesn't make you a little uncomfortable just reading about it, then it's not a good program. It's not a good program. And save your money and spend it on days out when you're feeling better. That's exactly right. That's a really good idea. Save it for putting gas in your car so you can drive yourself around. And in the end, what I'd probably say, because I talk about her all the time, at some point I'll finish my series with Holly on the Claire Weeks stuff, really and truly go get yourself anything that that woman ever wrote or said because she's just gonna lay it out there. It's flat out like, you know what, your legs are shaking but they're perfectly good. Now get out there and walk. And in the end, that is what she's advocating. And anybody else that has come after her, me included, we're just rehashing her stuff. But anybody that gives you a magic bullet, hey, my panic magically went away in two days, just run, save your money. Guaranteed or your money back? Yeah, so this one isn't gonna be a half hour marathon. I guess it's 20 minutes of me ranting. So I appreciate you guys hanging in there with me. So I'm gonna wrap this one up, I think, by the way I ended that paragraph. And I say this one all the time. And I try and live this way too, is, and I even put it on italics, like go Drew, you have to be afraid before you cannot be afraid. And sorry, that's just the way it's gonna have to be. I would agree with that. If you're gonna do it, if it's gonna work, that's it, the only way. Yeah. And so that's the no comfortable way. You're gonna have to buy into that to go further. And sorry, can't get you around it. This is it. But you know what? Yeah, or you can be comfortable-ish. Ish, yes. I mean, yeah, because if you're honest, nobody's comfortable with sitting at home anyway. No, no. Either way. Yeah, we still get these uncomfortable feelings and sensations and so why not? Or do you want another good way to pick, I think to, and I never thought about this this way before, but you can either choose to be really like extremely uncomfortable for 40 minutes, or you can just be generally uneasy and unhappy and uncomfortable for the rest of your life. Which one is your opinion? So you can sit in your house if you want, but you might get uncomfortable there anyway. Even the house, I've known people who have gotten to the point where it's just the sofa is the only safe place. Even the kitchen is panic-inducing. So that can happen, but more than that, when you're sitting in your house and you didn't go to the supermarket and you can't pick up your kids from school and you can't go to work, how uncomfortable is that? So ask yourself that. It's a different kind of uncomfortable. So the only way to create positive memories is to create positive memories. Right, exactly. You can't just wish it, we have to get out and do the work. And to me, it's just my own personal feeling and it's really worked for me. I would rather spend three months being afraid and uncomfortable and working hard and kicking my own ass and then having a great life than not doing that, avoiding that. Just two years down the road, still saying like, oh my God, when is this ever gonna get better? Well, it's not. I choose to not do the work. So those of you who hate me and Billy now or maybe just me, I don't know, I apologize, but I think it needs to be said. It's very rarely said. And you know what? I will say this also. If you're online and you're interacting with other people on Twitter or in forums or on websites, whatever it happens to be, take this philosophy of there's no comfortable way, understanding that you have to be afraid. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable. And how about like cheering each other on? So I started by ruffling feathers by saying it's not okay. So the next time somebody posts in your favorite forum that they skipped their daughter's dance recital or their son's Little League Baseball game or whatever it is and they're feeling horribly, do not respond with it's okay. Yeah, yeah. I would strongly suggest responding with like, okay, what are we gonna learn from this and how can we fix it? Like root each other on, be cheerleaders, be supportive, be encouraging, set examples, follow leads. If I didn't watch you walk to the freaking post box, however long ago that was, almost 10 years now, maybe I'm not standing here now. So you could not have asked for a better example of encouragement and cheerleading and like rooting each other on and not settling for like, that's okay dude, just sit inside for the next week. It's okay. Like no one ever said that in that little group. So there you go, rant over. Here endeth the lesson. That's it. As usual, you can find us. No, I feel that this would be the most helpful podcast yet, or video. It's tough love, what can I say? But truth hurts. Truth, the truth hurts sometimes. But I need to watch it back myself. Like I don't know whether people realize that I'm in the freaking boat with them. You know, I need to get out there. That's true. You know, I'm so restricted in the way that I live. I need to take my own advice, listen to your freaking advice and get out there. And that's uncomfortable, I would say. The way you're living right now might be physically comfortable when you're sitting there at your desk, but is it uncomfortable? Yeah, yeah. There's gotta be a level of discomfort with feeling restricted. Oh, I can do anything as long as. All right, there you go. Well, I think you're doing great the last, you know, you've had to deal with stuff. Yeah, yeah. You're just rolling with it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love it. Yeah, so okay, we're gonna wrap this one up because now we're at 25 minutes so it is gonna be half hour rant. Anxietyunited.com. Yes, Anxietyunited.com or on YouTube. Just, there'll be links everywhere. If you have questions for me. We'll just say, if you click the subscribe button, watch the freaking videos, man. Ah, very good. I never do that. I know we're supposed to say that. Please like the videos and subscribe. I never say that. Yeah. No, I'd rather people didn't subscribe. Just watch the bloody videos. I get more subscribers than views. It doesn't make any sense. That's true. That's a good point. Please watch it twice. Just watch this one twice. And if there are comments and questions, throw them at us. You're gonna find me at thatanxietyguy.com or youtube.com slash thatanxietyguy. That is thatanxietyguy. All one word. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, that's my website. So if you have questions or comments, bring them. We're getting great comments in a lot of times. I've been a little lax the last two weeks and getting back to them, but I try and answer all of them. I know Billy does too. I've been busy, but yeah, I do try. Yeah, yeah, so and it'll help because I think in the end, I know we've said this a few times. When we get through this article, we'll probably do like a Q and A. At least one or two Q and A. I think so, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be good. So next time we're gonna talk about finding the root of the problem, which is helpful, but we'll talk about the difference between like laying on a sofa and talking about how your mom didn't hug you enough. And, you know, which is fine. We all need hugs, but finding the root of the problem, we're gonna talk about that next time and how that fits into our general strategy. It's been good. We're good? Oh yeah. All right, folks. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you in the next one. Ta-da.