 Welcome to the Dare to Dream show. The Dare to Dream podcast was nominated for two People's Choice Podcast Awards and a Webby Award. Dare to Dream is ranked in the top best podcasts in USA and self-improvement on Apple Podcast and multiple other countries. Debbie Dashinger is a certified coach who coaches people to write a page turner book, takes their book to a guaranteed international bestseller and teaches the system to be interviewed on media and podcasts and get massive results. Debbie shows you how to use media exposure to locate your tribe, fill workshops, sell books, and gain followers. Get your free tools and templates at debbydashinger.com slash message. That's D-E-B-B-I-D-A-C-H-I-N-G-E-R.com slash message. This show is sponsored by Dr. Dane Heer and Access Consciousness. They do beautiful energy work out into the world. You can become a facilitator, take one of their online programs, or read their books, get their products. It's a life game changer. Question, is your life needing a spark? My guest today is Stephanie James, who is a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker for over 30 years in the mental health field. She is a thriving private practice and is also an advanced level EMDR2 trauma specialist. Stephanie's work involves being a transformation coach, filmmaker, speaker, and host of The Spark with Stephanie James Show. Stephanie is the author of The Spark igniting your best life. If you'd like to learn more, go to StephanieJames.world. Welcome to Dare to Dream, Stephanie. So great to have you. Thank you, Debbie. So excited to be here with you. I love the spark. I love just the idea of that. It seems like it's the beginning, the inception of something, and something sort of magical. What does the spark mean to you? How did the spark get sparked into your life? Well, it's exactly like you're saying, to me, it's that essence of us. So the spark is that part of us, that wind can't blow out, that fire can't burn out of us, water can't dampen it. It is really the essence of who we are. I think oftentimes when we face challenges or life gets tough, it can feel like that's covered up. So part of our work is how can we excavate that to just let that spark shine through us? And I think where that comes from for me is I, as a little girl, was already so in tune with that spark and was one of those kiddos. I just loved everybody. I have these memories of showing up at preschool academy in the morning and walking into the front porch of the school. And it was in this little old-fashioned cool house. And all these kids would be waiting for me to show up and I'd walk in and we'd all just jump up and down and everybody was so excited. And so that's been kind of my experience of sort of the journey of my life coming back to that. Having gotten lost and gone through my own hardships and then really returning and excavating that spark in myself. And that kind of becoming then my passion of how to help other people ignite that as well. And how do they, is there current research that you're privy to that can help people to gain clarity in that area? Well, I think for me what I'm sure there is specific research and I do have some of that research in my book. I think though that it's a combination of things. I'm definitely an eclectic psychotherapist. I'd like to use all different kinds of modalities that are gonna fit. And as a transformational life coach, what's gonna fit the person that I'm working with? What can help them do that inner work in whatever capacity it needs to be? So, how we heal in so many ways, Debbie. And so it's like, I couldn't just give you one snap answer but I think that when we look at like some certain areas and we can talk more about these, when we look at first of all, learning what are limiting beliefs and how can we break through those? And then learning how truly to befriend ourselves. And not just that old saying of like, oh, just love yourself, be your own best friend. But truly there is an art to befriending ourselves and showing up for ourselves and really being like we have our own back. And then there's ways that we can learn how to grow through grief, embracing even the shadow sides or just the different emotions that we have and excavating that spark even more through cultivating joy, growing grit and resiliency. I think there's just so many avenues we can use. And honestly, from 30 years in the mental health and personal growth field, this is actually my 32nd year, I found so many things that are tried and true and continue to do my research to just bring those tools that really work, that really make that transformational change possible. So talk about that. You said in the beginning about our brains and limiting beliefs, how they really keep us stuck in old habits. I wanna know more about that, how it's possible to unearth those. And then once we find this kernel, this thing that's actually turning parts of our life on its ears and not what we prefer, how instead can we successfully transform those beliefs? And I'll give you an example. I was part of a medicine ceremony this past weekend and I had a very extraordinary, very powerful and unexpected experience on Friday night. And basically the divine or grandmother or ayahuasca, whatever you wanna call it, I showed me an experience, a memory that I had. And I was a kid and I had a particular idea about that memory, something that happened with my father. And the divine said, let us show you exactly what happened. That's not what happened. So clearly my mind had done the best it could with a certain kind of trauma. And so it's instead, it showed me the truth. My dad had taken me away ostensibly for a vacation. I went to a state Vermont I'd never been to before, a house he had just built, a second house I'd never been to before. And then he turned around and said, I'm gonna fly. He used to work for the airlines, I'm gonna fly. And he left me as a kid for days. And it showed me the trauma and sort of the horror that a parent would do that. You know, no phone number, I had no way to get in touch with anybody. I don't know, I don't even know how I made it but I did what I could do. So I felt it, I got through it. But the next night in ceremony, the idea of being alone came up and I went, oh, this is why I've avoided things. This reference point, this limiting belief about what being alone means. So I wanted to unearth that and create a new reference point. So even using that as an example, Stephanie, what could somebody do to literally recreate that? So something wholly different and positive and wonderful could happen around being alone or any other limiting belief? Yeah, such a great question. And you know, I think it starts with number one, realizing that so many of our guiding beliefs are subconscious and habitual. So we don't even realize that they're going on but they're guiding our lives. And I think another thing I think to take into account that's really important is that our brain has this natural negativity bias. And so it's always scamming the environment for a threat. And so when we think about that, it's like negative experiences in the brain are like Velcro. They're just held onto. And that's why if we touch a hot stove, we don't have to touch it again to know that it's hot and that it's gonna burn us. It's like, that's filed away. Same thing with traumatic events. And with traumatic events, there's a thought that oftentimes a belief that gets hardwired. So like you're saying like, for so many people it's like, I'm not safe or I can't trust people. And so then the sad and wonderful thing is that positive things are like, frying eggs on a Teflon pan, they slide right out. The wonderful thing is we can train our brain how to hold onto those. And so I can give you an example too from my own life when I first learned how to do this. And I think oftentimes these behaviors that we have and they can feel really positive, we don't realize maybe there's something underneath them that might actually come from one of our limiting beliefs. And it's been about a decade ago, but I was in a class that was about the reticular activating system, this online course, and that's that part of our brain that notices things. It's like when my daughter was pregnant, she was saying to me, mom, everybody's pregnant. Well, of course everyone's not pregnant. It's just the fact that that's what she was focused on. That's what she was experiencing within her. And so that's what she noticed. So in this course, they were really asking us to dig deep and say, what is it? Look at all these different characteristics and these things that are going on in your life and let's see what might be underneath it. Well, for me, I've always been super driven and I was the oldest kid in my family. I put myself through graduate school as a single mom. And in a lot of ways, I think, unfortunately, my mantra had been like, I don't need anybody. I've had boyfriends joke me and say, like your mantra is like, I don't need no man. And the truth is, of course, that wasn't the truth. But as I dug deeper underneath, what the truth was for me, where that belief came from or what the belief was, was when my parents went through a horrific divorce when I was 13. And I went from having truly this at all areas of my heart, amazing childhood for 13 years. I mean, we were very close. My parents never fought. And in one night, that all literally exploded as my brother and I heard the screeching of tires going down the driveway. And we're looking out of my second story bedroom window to see my father jumping on the hood of my mother's car as she's trying to back down and pounding on the windshield. And these are parents that my mother was a successful business owner. My father was a professor at Colorado State University. And we didn't know what was happening. What was happening is my father had just told my mother that he was having an affair with my best friend's mom. And from that, this amazing childhood was irreversibly broken and completely shattered. And my mother, who had been absolutely in love with my father for 18 years, she had a complete breakdown. And she's one of my dearest best friends now, but at the time she wasn't emotionally stable. And so I went and moved in with my dad. And I'd always been a daddy's girl. I was that little girl who was my dad's constant shadow. If he was out raking the leaves, I was out raking the leaves. When he took a nap, I pretended to take a nap just so I could lay next to him. And so it was real natural for me to go with him. And unfortunately, my stepmother and he, as they bonded, decided the relationship he had with me that was very special, she didn't want that. And so he really started moving away. And so the message to me was, you're not allowed to speak to your father alone. You're no longer allowed to be with your father alone. And Debbie, honestly, to this day, I'm not allowed to speak to my father alone on the phone. So my whole dynamic with my father shifted. And when I moved back in with my mom at 16, my father stopped speaking to me for a year. And so this message that I started getting is like, I can't trust anyone. I have to do it all myself. I can't rely on anyone else. And definitely struggled with this thing of like, I must not be lovable, why would a father reject his daughter? So out of that, I share all this story because I think it's important to realize all these challenges that we all face and go through, they really can become the match point then that are the gift that we give to the world, to humanity. And out of this class that I was in, what I realized is I had carried that belief my whole life. I can't trust other people. I have to do it all myself. And what that had set up is just this, I'm driven, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. And yet I wasn't letting other people show up for me. And the power in the exercise that this woman had us do for this class, what she had us do is for the next 30 days, we journaled every night the exact same affirmation. And she said, I want you to blow it up really big. I want you to say not just what you want, but make it so that there's no way you can deny that this is gonna show up in your life as literally what we were doing is training our reticular activating systems to notice what it was that we were focusing on. Cause like, you know, it's that principle in physics of what we focus on expands. So every night I would journal to I'm completely loved and supported by the universe. And every day I would start noticing more and more and more evidence showing up. You know, at first it was just, I had wonderful and I still do have this amazing soul tribe that would write to me and say, you know, you're such a sweetheart, I love you, sweet friend. And you're the lovely, lovely notes that we get from our girlfriends. And then it was noticing the little things like parking spaces that were opening up and people letting me go in front of them in the grocery line. And then in one week, I had two different baristas give me a free cup of coffee. And those are just little bitty signs but it all was making me start to think, wow, there really is this underlying current of support. And then about two weeks in, the lid got blown off this experience when my daughter and I had come home from a day up in Estes Park here in Colorado. And I had literally sunk all of my savings into this little old house that we had redecorated and totally gutted and it had flooded. The old water heater had rusted out. So there was like standing water downstairs. I went upstairs, I just moved in here but the neighbors were awesome. I had two sets of neighbors come over with shop backs and fans and everybody's helping. And pretty soon there was a knock on the door from a girlfriend of mine and her husband who lived four houses down and had seen all this commotion. And she said, what is going on? And when I told her, she left and came back 15 minutes later and handed me a $1,000 check. And she said, you and your daughter need hot water tomorrow. I know you don't have the money right now. My husband has a truck. Let's go get this taken care of. And so it was like, I couldn't deny anymore that the universe did completely love and support me. And it was a life changing moment for me where I started opening up, I started relying. My mother and I, that's when our friendship became so amazing. I allowed her to show up for me in ways that she had wanted to. And I would get feedback from my friends like, thank God you are finally coming to us and saying, hey, I'm struggling or I feel vulnerable or I need your support right now. So it opened my heart and opened my life. So I think when we do things like that, those are some of the tools we can use when you're aware of what your limiting beliefs are. And we can talk more, if you wish, about some of the ways to identify the negative beliefs or the limiting beliefs you might be carrying. Yeah, because that's a very, very powerful story. And I'm intimate with the idea of creating something and then going out in the world and finding proof of it. And I love that you said it that way. So how does somebody know? Because I'm even thinking, I know I was able to imbue in that moment during a medicine ceremony when it came to my attention. Ah, the reference point. No wonder, look, ha ha ha, that my father worked for the airlines. He was internationally spoke five languages that the place it showed up is travel. Now, have I traveled? Yes, but the older I was getting, the more terror sabotage around traveling. And now I finally understood why the strange phenomenon because it meant being alone, meant being alone, meant being neglected, being unsafe, all of that terror. And so, okay, great. What if being alone was fun? What if it was adventurous? What if it was positive risk? What if the universe had my back and I was always taken care of? But it feels like, Stephanie, what you're talking about, something very succinct happened, this very powerful new statement. So how are you able to understand what that would be for you going forward? So as I had gotten that evidence that said the universe does completely love and support you, is that what you're asking? How did you even, yes, know that that was the statement that would fulfill a new prophecy for you? Yes, you know, honestly, it was a download at that time. I feel like that's been something that's been amazing in my life is I'll get these just divine downloads. And as I was open to saying, what is it that would help me really open this up? What do I really want evidence of? It's not just that people love and support me. It's like that the whole universe, it's like that the universe is conspiring for our highest good. And I knew that in my heart and yet it was something that gathering evidence of changed that belief system for me and changed those limiting beliefs. And so I wanna just encourage people, you can start right now today, start unearthing what some of these limiting beliefs are for you. Now, what I work with my coaching clients and my clients on is first just being clear, what are they? And the way that we can start unearthing some of that is just going into the different areas in your life, whether it's money, financial, relationship, career, health and fitness, spirituality. And sometimes it's looking back and saying, what are the messages that I got as a little kid? Sometimes I've worked with people who have messages around single events that happened or maybe it was something that grandpa or dad said where they were saying money is a root of all evil and rich people aren't happy. And I had one client that I worked with and those were kind of the conditioned messages he had gotten. So even though he was a multimillionaire, he wasn't happy. He was miserable because he felt that, oh, that's it, you're supposed to be miserable if you're wealthy. So once he started realizing that and could clearly see, oh, that's my limiting belief, he could change that. And so the first step is really start to just do some even meditating on one area, set aside an hour, start looking at, okay, what is my belief around this? Really diving in, really looking at, is it something from childhood? Is it something where I had a negative experience? Again, those traumatic experiences lock in a belief. And so in a lot of the trauma work I do as a trauma specialist, that's what we help people to do, find out what is the hidden belief that's causing, like you're saying, the anxiety or the physiological response to a trigger. And then from there, the beautiful thing is that people can start then the second column after you write this first column and start identifying what the limiting beliefs are, you can start saying, what if I wanna believe about myself instead? What if I wanna believe? And then I tell people, it's not just enough to have the positive affirmation, because we can say all day long, I'm healthy and fit, I'm healthy and fit, I'm healthy and fit and it might not change things for us, most likely it won't. So underneath that, I have people come up with a couple action steps so that they have what they're affirming. And I do have them say their affirmations out loud to the universe every morning. And so they're really putting that out there and manifesting that wish, we speak things into reality. So for example, the health and fitness would be, if I'm saying to the universe, I am completely healthy and fit, then my action plan is I choose healthy and nutritious foods every meal and I work out 30 minutes to an hour, five days a week. The cool thing is too, as we say these things out loud, if after 21 to 30 days, which we know from research is about how long we need for something to become a habit and that's also true for thoughts, they become habitual thoughts for us, they become automated, which means it's more automatic that we start believing them, we start acting on them. There's this beautiful thing called cognitive dissonance. And that's when if we've been proclaiming and visualizing, and I always tell people as well, like marinate for a few moments after you do all your affirmations, marinate for a few moments on them, feel into that reality of you. And all of the affirmations, of course, present, positive, present tense. And then after you do that, where cognitive dissonance comes in, is that if you've been saying this thing to yourself for 21 to 30 days that I'm healthy and fit, I only eat nutritious foods at meals, and I exercise 30 minutes to an hour, five days a week, and you start reaching for junk food, something in you goes, wait a minute, that doesn't fit with my image of me. I've been projecting this certain image and I've been feeling into that image of me, and that's the behavior change. That's what gets us to pause. And a behavior and thoughts that were automatic were no longer doing that anymore. We get the pause that allows us to go, you know what, I have a choice and that doesn't fit for me anymore because I'm someone who's healthy and fit. Yeah, yeah. And you are also a leader in a random, is it like a random act of kindness group? I, yeah, I wanna learn more about that. What is that group about? Why did you form that? What are you doing? What kind of kindnesses are you doing? So that group actually has evolved. It started as the random acts of kindness group four years ago, I believe. And what we started with was a group of 12 women and we'd get together once a month and there'd be a beautiful spiritual component to it, meditation and also a personal challenge of maybe like for the new year, we'd say, what is your word for the year? Is this a paid group or is this some friends and colleagues who decided to create something together? I was inspired to put this together and I'd had a client who used that term, this random acts of kindness group and I thought that is perfect. One of the ways that we did random acts of kindness is every person would bring $20 to each meeting and whoever was facilitating the meeting and it rotated would then donate that money to a charity of their choice. Sometimes it was, I had a family on my radio show who the daughter was killed in a single car accident because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt and they had come up with this beautiful nonprofit called Alexis Huggs. And so we gave the money that month to them. One month it was to a gentleman who had lost his wife and had two little children. So it became this wonderful group of we were growing together, we were challenging each other emotionally, spiritually to dive in and then we were contributing. So that was such a wonderful group and it has evolved into now that group is no longer running, it's kind of has these offshoots but about four months ago, my very dear friend, Christian Strang had gotten ahold of me and she said, hey, I had this huge download that you're supposed to get together this new group of women for us to meet. And we call it the powerhouse goddess group and this group of women truly is, it feels like everyone in there is bringing tremendous light that we really have been called together. I mean, I knew instantly, Debbie, who those people were and they were all women who had become friends of mine. They were guests on my show, Alison Carmen, Hollywood, Gabriella Masala, Catrice Goodard, people that literally have just made tremendous change in the world and are putting just good, good content into the world. All amazing women. I mean, I feel so humble and just like honored to be there with them. And so we're meeting now once a month to really get together and inspire one another, lift each other up, see what we can contribute to the world. And then a second time during the month, just to meditate and really hold the light and hold healing for this world that's hurting so much right now. Absolutely. I love powerhouse goddesses, yay, power to you all. And it is such a ripe time, it seems to me, to do that. I myself heard, hmm, I don't know, just in passing, I heard something about kindness or doing a kindness every day. Don't even know where I saw it or read it, but something got caught in my brain. And I said, I want to commit to that. I'm not gonna tell anybody, although now the cat's out of the bag, but I decided not to tell anybody and just put that on my to-do list every day. So when I wake up for my morning walk with my dog, I'm always thinking about who haven't I been in touch with? Who do I wanna spread some love and joy to? And it's been voice texts, it's been reaching out. I gave a kindness to an author who son died tragically and has a book and is wanting help like with some media visibility. And so I gifted her with a almost $4,000 package and just things that are popping for me. It is the one thing out of my to-do list every day I look forward to. Because it's like, I know people say when I give, I receive, but it really is, because I'm the one who's getting the grace of the reconnection with people or people saying, oh my God, I appreciate you so much reaching out and saying that. One time I cleaned something up, there was someone who made an offer to me and I had been so overwhelmed at the time, I couldn't get back to her. I literally couldn't. I thought, oh my God, what she must think, you know? And I reached out and I said, it was not personal and I'm so sorry, it took me so long and how much it meant. And I think about you and we have this gorgeous exchange, you know, and just all this peace. So I think, I hope people are inspired listening to you to consider in their own space what is possible at a time when it can make big dramatic changes for other people. Yeah, absolutely. I love that. I love that that's what you start your day with. It's something that I talk about in the book as well is that it can be the smallest of acts, the random acts of kindness. And right now, what people need is someone just to wave to them and greet them. So many people are walking around with their masks on and then their heads down. And what a difference it makes to just greet someone to acknowledge their humanists to just say, hello, good morning. And you can just see their eyes light up. So it doesn't have to be huge grand gestures. I know this morning with everything going on with the inauguration, I was so lit up from the song by Nako Bear, which the title is not, I believe in the good things coming, but that's this repeated line throughout this video and this song. And the video is so gorgeous because it shows people from all walks of life, every color, every age, every shape, holding up signs that say, I believe in the good things coming over and over and over. And it was so moving. And I sent it to 52 of my closest friends, people that I love with individual notes because I was so resonant with that this morning. And all of a sudden I was in this beautiful community and connection with some people I hadn't talked to for six months, seven months, but I've felt so just empowered and just truly feeling that just love of connection and just wanting to gift people with that and to help lift them up, help bring that spark to their day. And so I think it can be small things that we offer. And yeah, it does, it really does. I mean, I was just high as a kite. I was so filled knowing that I was helping to bring that light to other people. Yeah, I like, it can be so simple. It can be something like that, just sending out a song that can make somebody's day with a great message and I love him too. I know this artist very well. And what about the secret sauce for spicing up our love life and cultivating deeper, more meaningful relationships? I have to tell you the very first thing that popped to my mind when you said that is I think one of the essential pieces that people can often neglect. And it might feel hard during pandemic times, although it might be easier than you think is a sense of novelty. What do you mean? So a sense of novelty, oftentimes in relationships, we can get into this habit of like, okay, this is not my life, but many of my clients that I've worked with have talked about, we have date night, once a week, we go to Applebee's, same thing every time and we go watch a movie, you know what I mean? And it's just like, this does not feel fulfilling. And it can be really simple. So our brain thrives on familiarity, habit, and it also thrives on novelty. It helps it start rewiring these new neurons and we want it to connect to something positive and exciting with our partners. If every new experience you're having that's exciting and novel is with a friend, it's a disservice to your relationship. So it can really juice it up. And again, these don't have to be huge things of novelty. We can really have a novel experience. I think this is interesting. Stan Tatkin, who's a relationship guru guy that I love, he talks about, we could actually get novelty just from staring into each other's eyes. If we just took a couple of minutes, because we're not showing up exactly the same in the way that we did yesterday. We've grown, we've evolved, we've had new thoughts. We're in whatever state we're in in the present moment. So really there's this beautiful sense of novelty and presence we can really use when we connect with someone eye to eye. It's eye to eye, soul to soul. So that can be a beautiful sense of novelty. We can also get it by doing different new activities, being willing to try new things. It can be that, let's listen to this audio book together. And so let's commit to an hour a week and then we can talk about it. We'll both listen to it, even if say you're a couple that doesn't live together. It's something you can both listen to and then you get on Zoom or you get together for a cup of coffee. And it's something that it's like, wow, new ideas. Again, like this new neural network just going like, wow, this is fun, this is new, this is enlivening. And you can of course do the big boom, booms. You can blow it up, you can go scuba diving together or go parasailing, whatever that is, go on vacations. And I think it's so important that novelty is truly accessible to us. One of the things I love to do, I have such a put on music and dance in the living room, dance in the kitchen kind of person. And that's one of the things that, when it's spontaneous and it's joy, it really helps infuse our relationships with just that. Joy, it's expansive, it's contagious. So I think that's one of the great things that can rev up your relationship. And of course you can totally bring that into the bedroom with different positions or with something very new. Like let's just go into the bedroom. I have a couple that right now I'm working with and I say, just go hold each other. That's novel. Just go hold each other under the covers. And again, for them it's gazing in each other's eyes. Like that should not be overlooked. I will tell you that my partner today whom I do live with, this is the first time I've ever had this with somebody but we had heard early on in our relationship about sacred couple breathing. And it has been so tremendous for us. We still, we use it at least once a week, at least because it's a total game changer. And that all we'll do for anyone who's interested in the sacred breathing is when I breathe out, he breathes in and when he breathes out, I breathe in. And what happens is you just automatically sync with each other, but at the same time you're just literally gazing in each other's eyes. What I will tell you always happens is my heart opens. I feel like this is the most amazing person. He's more beautiful in that moment than ever before. And just this well of love and connection and intimacy opens. We're both over the moon. Just for a few minutes of doing that. And you know, and you can do that with your best friend or your kid. I mean, that too, it literally, right? It heightens the relationship. Yes, I love that because I think in that chapter of rubbing up your relationships, we talk about that. It's yes, it's your romantic relationships and you can rev up any relationship really bringing it to that deeper heart resonance. So I have to ask you, put you on the spot since I know your boyfriend. We don't have to mention him by name, but I happened to know him before I even met you, which is so awesome. What have you guys done recently to bring it up a notch to spice things up to become deeper and more significant with one another? Yeah, such a great question. One of the things that we do, we're both very spontaneous and we both love nature. So we do a lot of plugging into nature whatever we're together. We meditate together. We dance in the kitchen together. We definitely dance in the living room together. And we're constantly sharing ideas. We're both, as you know, he's just getting ready to move here, which will be wonderful instead of a couple of times a month. But when we were together, when we are together, it's four or five days. And over the holidays, it was a couple of weeks. It was awesome. And so we take time to have those connected heart to heart talks, like we call it couch time. So nothing interrupts us. And we're both just phones off, distractions off where we're looking at one another and just holding hands or touching and just really being in sync. And the most beautiful conversations are the most huge belly laughs come from that. And so, again, it's not like it's huge things. We both do, though, we're always introducing like, oh my gosh, I just read this article or I just bought this book or I just heard this song, babe, you've got to hear this song. And those are the things that continually just keep our relationship so lit up. And it's on such a different level. I think it's just been so cool too because one of the things I have to say too that I think keeps it amazing is that when one of us feels like I feel off today or I feel, God, I'm feeling insecure about this thing. We just speak it, we just speak it. And so it's no longer something that has to be held or that something between us or an energy that shows up and someone's trying to read it and it feels funky, it's just like, no, it's there. And we really have given each other permission to show up in this relationship as our authentic selves. And actually, I was just talking to him before this interview and he said, you know, I was just, he was just talking to one of his friends and said, I told them one of the coolest things about our relationship is that you just love me. He wasn't feeling good this morning. And he said, you know, I just think it's so great because when I tell you, I don't feel good and I had to sleep in, you're like, yay, just the same that you would be as if I told you, hey, I just got a new coaching client and I'd be like, yay. And he does the same for me, you know, just phenomenally supportive and those, because we know this, right? Relationships love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of being healed. So there's times that our best self isn't gonna show up in relationship and our wounded self gets activated. So when we can provide that loving container for one another that says, hey, you know what? You don't have to show up full makeup, always on. You get to show up as you and I'm still gonna hold that and love you and hold you. And that I think, you know, Debbie, what really helps give us permission to heal. I agree, wow, that's so nice to hear. Yeah, to have that much, I think it's sacred. That's what comes up when I hear you say that it's so sacred to feel fully seen and heard that all the imperfections are perfect and that wherever we be is just enough. I think it's such grace to give to another human being and I'm really inspired you guys have that together. That's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Let the journey unfold. So tell me, Stephanie, we talked in the beginning about the spark which feels like life cheer something and you have this book, but you also have this film you created of the same name. Why did you even wanna write them? Why did you wanna film them? What caused you to wanna bring these people and all these elements together? What kind of service is it or what kind of message compelled you to wanna put this out? I think in my own life experience and then witnessing so much healing of my clients over the last, gosh, 32 years, I hate to say that, but I've been in this field so long and what I became so aware of, the more that I have healed throughout my life and have witnessed healing is the more that we heal the clearer conduits we become to bring that healing through us into the world. And so as I have ignited my own sparks as I have continued to unearth that part of me, it's like I see that and I witness that as I can help other people ignite that within them. And I do have this deep health belief that we can become like the pebble in the pond and those concentric rings of healing just radiate out from us. And that that is really what can help transform the world. And so my film is actually when sparks ignite and it's about that, I feel so blessed. The download for that was actually during a meditation. I just got the download that I know some of the most serving hearts and brilliant minds on the planet that I have been graced to meet through my radio show and podcast and some of them had become very, very dear friends and mentors and I thought, oh my gosh, what if I got all of them together, had them first talk about, they weren't born enlightened. These are New York Times bestselling authors, international presenters and huge healers and light workers in the world. And I thought, what if instead of having them just come and do a summit where they present, get off the stage, nobody interacts, that I would have them come and have their own experience first so that they would come two days ahead of time. I would interview them individually and talk to them about what were the challenges? What was the heartache? What did you have to go through for you to then unearth your own sparks for your own sparks to ignite? Then we had this, we had two days of amazing meditating together, making music together, dancing together, eating our meals together and just had this beautiful alchemy that was all filmed. I had this beautiful award-winning film crew that came in and did all the documentary and we met for one day around a round table, which was Jacob Lieberman's idea and we called it Lights of the Round Table. And so we were discussing, the 12 of us discussing these deeper issues of life. And ironically, it was a year ago in October that we filmed it and yet it is absolutely what's happening on the planet today and like the message that needs to come through. And then through all that beautiful alchemy and connection that was created, we then went on the third day and did a live summit and watched those sparks that everyone was feeling and that connection spread to this live audience. And the coolest thing is the presenters, number one, I need to say this because people came and didn't charge. These are people that get paid tens of thousands of dollars to present and they just felt that that heart resonance like this is what we wanna do. They would always say, we're sparked as well. We still call ourselves the sparks and we all communicate, we're all emailing and very much in connection. And so what was beautiful is everyone stayed in the audience, all the presenters, there were no egos. There was a sense of, we're all the same hype. So they held space in the audience and for each other. So it was such a beautiful event. And so to capture that on film and see how you see there's actually a client of mine, an ex-client of mine, and you kind of go through this journey, she's this underlying tapestry thread throughout the film who went from a 40 year abusive relationship where she could hardly hold her head up when she first met with me and would cry through the entire session to where you see her at the end of the film empowered, happy and contributing back. She has her own now blog where she's helping other women find their voice and leave abusive relationships. So you start seeing how we can really do this and how much, how essential it is that our own healing matters. Where can people see the film? Well, right now we're getting ready to go into negotiations. We just finished edits. We were in post-production for a little over a year. And so actually this weekend we're finishing the trailer and going into negotiations with Netflix, Amazon and Gaia. Those are hopefully our three big... Perfect, right. That all makes sense. So that's that would resonate. Yes. So excited for you. So yeah, this is... So I'm curious then to me, Stephanie every year of my life seems to have a theme, right? There's something that gets woven in and out, good, bad and different, but that's something I need to learn or focus on or give up or step into. What is your theme for this year or what is the most important thing that you've learned thus far this year? So the biggest thing in my life has continued to be. I have to tell you, this was a huge lesson about three and a half years ago. And I thought, well, I'm very connected. I'm living really connected to the divine. And yet there were little things in my life that I never wanted to surrender. I remember like a decade ago, this relationship not healthy for me, not good. And saying like, I could get these very direct messages like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would hear this audible no. And I'd be like, oh, come on, university. Just a little bit longer. He's really cute, and knowing, and of course it was, it was not a good relationship. And so negative things happened. What I have learned is what full and complete surrender, and some people call it higher power or the universe, whatever, but to me, it's to the divine. And I had struggled with my daughter's addiction for 10 years. And three and a half years ago, I put her in treatment for three months. I took care of her three and four year olds, working a full day, all of a sudden having two little boys who were coming out of chaos and needed lots of love and nurturing and full attention. And there was a night where I literally felt like I just hit my knees. I literally, emotionally, physically, I was so worn out and trying to soothe them and deal with everything that was going on, my own anger and angst and such overwhelm from what all was happening. And all of a sudden it just came through like, I haven't been surrendering. I've been trying to still push my will, what I think should be done, what, you know, trying to have some kind of control. And so that when I finally surrendered, I mean, it was so powerful, it was such an amazing moment because literally I remember waking up a little after four o'clock that morning and just being filled with this sense of peace. And what started happening, my life started really exploding and taking off from there. That's when next thing I knew, I'm sitting in my office one day with my door cracked open, I hear this knock on the door and it's my now producer of my show who, and you have to hear the first part. Actually, before I hear the knock, I'm sitting there and I was thinking to myself, God, how do I get back into radio? I had been a guest on some radio shows and it had been, you know, almost a year. And I was like, boy, I just loved doing that. How do I do that? Literally three minutes later, I get this knock on the door and my producer comes in, my now producer, I didn't know then he was just a friend and he says, have you ever thought of doing your own radio show? And I was like, oh my gosh. And then he said I about came out of my chair. I was just like, oh my God, you know, I just was thinking this. And so that happened. And then I wrote my book, again, just absolutely inspired. And I knew the name of the show in the middle of the night, I woke up because we were trying to figure out the name for the show. And again, it was just like, of course it's a spark igniting your best life. So that's what you want to do. We all want to just unearth those sparks within us. We want to shine, we want to glow, we want to radiate and we want to resonate with these other beautiful lights that are here on this planet. And so it's been such an amazing journey and the connections and the amazing people. I could not imagine being as blessed as I am. And so I always know, Debbie, when I get to that point where I need to surrender again because I'll feel ego or I'll feel that sense of like, oh, I really want this to happen or I'm not the most patient person in the world. I've really been learning that through the pandemic. And so it's like, okay, I just again, go back to like with the film. I wanted the film to be done two months ago. And I have to believe in divine timing. I don't get to decide when it's finally there. You know, it's got its own timing. It's got its own rhythm. It's almost like it has its own heartbeat. And now, you know, it's about to be birthed. So every time I give it up, some, I feel like I literally, this last year, kept a miracle journal because so many amazing things were happening in my life. That's very apropos. You know, as a book writing coach, I teach my students to get out of the way because a book isn't, yes, we are writing it. We're the conduit. The truth is the book, once we receive the inspiration to write it, it already is an entity being born through us. Like it literally has its own consciousness. And it makes it so much more simple to write. People get very into their heads with the process. And I'll often tell them, especially when they get quite stuck, go into meditation, have a conversation with your book. What is your book want? Your book is its own being. And they're like, what? And to a person, a man and a woman, they'll come back and go, oh my God, that was so powerful. I know the title, I know the chapters, I know what it wants to look like, sound like, how it's to be written. So there's a lot to be said about what you're talking about. And even the idea of surrender, because essentially, you know, surrender is a loving of one's life exactly as it is right now. And I get that it's not always easy. I'm also very impatient. And so I understand that, especially when you're a big creator, to slow down and like this is just as it is for today and it is beautiful and perfect and moving at the pace it needs to, right? Yeah, yes, that's just it. And then the miracles that follow when we actually do that. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, exactly the miracles that follow because what I hear you saying is that when you get out of the way, all these beautiful things that came to you, the radio show, you know, everything, suddenly the floodgates open, which must have been awesome for you, especially, you know, being an impatient and big creator. That is so beautiful. When you said here, you know, take it, I can't, you can. I'm getting out of the way. And then also that there's all this capacity and space for creation to come and play with you. Yeah, yeah. And I love what you said about the way that you coach people in writing their books. And I really felt like that was also what has happened with me in writing the book. Again, like I'd never written a book. I got out of my own way and just let it come through. And the same thing for the film, and I have to give credit to my co-producer, Doug Beachwood, who is this award-winning film producer and film director. He's also the director of the film. He totally allowed me to just be in process and just keep downloading the film. I literally got this black box that had 48 hours of film. I had no idea what I was doing, never having created a film, and just would get these downloads as I was watching the film and just extracting, okay, I had our transcript and I would just go, this dialogue works, this scene works, this scene works. And when we put it all together, it was phenomenal. It's been a blessing and a miracle. And I cannot even, and again, my boyfriend will say to me like, oh my God, that's just amazing. Or someone will say something about, I think it's so cool that you did that. And yet it's so interesting for me because I don't feel like I, Stephanie James did that. I feel so blessed that I got to be the conduit for that coming through. And that is just my hope that it will truly give people inspiration. It'll give people hope. It'll inspire people to do their own healing and allow the healing that's already been done to allow the radiant spark that is them to keep shining through in this world. And that's what I just believe with all my heart. We can be the healing that we wanna see in the world. What is your daily practice? Do you have a ritual you do every day that sets you up or grounds you or writes you? Well, how do you steer your ship every day? So I experienced very interesting. I don't have to sit up in the morning to meditate. Most of the times I'm just woken up. It might be four in the morning, it might be six in the morning. And I'll literally lie in bed with one hand on my heart and usually one hand on my gut and I can just feel into that connection with divine. And I usually go into just a deep state of gratitude. Sometimes I really just am sending people love. But every day begins with meditation. I try to do exercise every day. I'd love to say it's every day. It's not every day depending on how busy I am. It's always with gratitude though. So it's a gratitude journal. It's literally feeling into that resonant place in my heart so that I'm just with that vibration and sending out that vibration and yeah. This is Dare to Dream. So what are you next, Dare to Dream, Stephanie? What are your future dreams and goals? Thank you, Dosh. Yeah, I have to tell you something so interesting because I remember this is about four months ago. I had the realization of like, wow, I haven't thought of what's after the film. Like the film was so huge and encompassing my life. You know, I have a full private practice, coaching clients, all this stuff. And yet I was like editing the film six to seven hours a week on my little bitty bit of time I had off. So it was so much that that was my whole world. And when the realization finally came to me like, wow, I need to start opening up and expanding and feeling into what's next. I got really lit up about doing some groups. I just started on Ignite in Your Best Life group that meets the second and fourth Wednesdays of each month. And it's, people can come in and out at any time and it follows the book. So people are gonna get the techniques and the tools and the ways that they can really do the things we talked about in the beginning. You know, how do you cultivate joy? Cause it's really actually something we can grow. And how do you learn how to befriend yourself? And it really does have to do with how do we show up for ourselves? How do we make ourselves a priority in our own lives? How do we do that healing work first so then we can actually help others do theirs? So opening that up, the other piece that's just been really exciting is having a partner that we are really talking about doing lots of projects together. So doing speaking projects, pairing up with a lot of my people in my soul tribe who are gonna be doing retreats together. Hopefully when things open up again, please. Yeah, this next summer, we're looking at doing retreats. And I have been co-authoring a book with Mesa Hopkins and I'm looking at beginning. I'm already getting the little downloads and writing little notes around my next book which is gonna be the Sparks of Serendipity and how that plays in our life. So all of that is kind of what's being dreamt forward right now. Wow, Small World again. You know, gosh, a long time ago when I wrote Dare to Dream, I don't know, was that eight, nine years ago? My first book, Dare to Dream, Mesa Hopkins was one of the first people who interviewed me for my big bestseller book launch. I love it. And in fact, I became a bestseller while we were on the radio together. So I've really delicious memories of her and I love this full circle between us. Yes, I love it as well. Yes, yes. And so people who would like to connect deeper with you find out about your book, your film, your new groups, all this wonderful things that you're offering. It's StephanieJames.world. Is that the best place? That's the best place. If they want to go just directly to, I also started a meditation group for people that want to come once a week, Thursday mornings. It's eight AM Mountain Standard Time. And so it's seven o'clock West Coast time. And I would love anyone that wants to come for those groups, the Spark of the Nightingale, your best life group and the Spark Meditation Group, it's StephanieTheSpark.as.me. Thank you so much for coming on the show and being with us today and for lighting our spark and really getting us going at a really important time. Thank you, Debbie. Such a joy to be on the show with you. Thank you so much. For me as well. And I end today's show with this quote from Princess Diana, carry out a random act of kindness with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day, someone might do the same for you. Subscribe to this number one transformation conversation Dare to Dream and leave us a review. And thank you for all the wonderful things you write. I read everything. And I do try to get back to all of you. My guest next week is Scarlett Raven. She's coming back on Dare to Dream for a second time. Our first interview revealed that Scarlett is brilliant, powerful, very, very unique and not afraid to say anything. So she's coming back to offer even more wisdom and healing tips. Scarlett is an illuminator who creates award-winning medicinal products from herbs, CBD cannabis and psilocybin and runs the very successful White Fox Medicinals. You can find us on YouTube at youtube.com slash Debbie Daschinger. And remember, don't just Dare to Dream, Dare to turn all your dreams into your reality.