 The Thoughty Autie podcast. What is it, babe? I think something that you mentioned was, like, um, like you had a lot of kind of behavioral modification, like to do with, like, all remote issues, which is something that... Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, thank... Yeah, no, I remember that. So, um, when I was five, that's when... That's why they started taking me to the, um, to the doctor when I was five. This is how ADHD in my brain is. You asked me what happened between, like, when I was five and got depressed until, like, I got out of it, and so my brain doesn't count the time before that, which was when they were going through the behavioral modification, because that's what caused me to reach to that depressive state and then shut down and, you know, internalize all that and be overwhelmed, because, um, that's what they were doing. Like, you know, I was existing as a person with autism and ADHD, and they would, yeah, and they would stop me from being the way that I am, telling me that I'm bad, telling me that it's wrong and that it can't happen. So, um, you know, over time I started to bite my nails a lot, you know, and then they were like, you can't bite your nails, you know, that's not acceptable. And so I went, you know, to therapy and stopped biting my nails, and then I started to, um, bite the skin off of, or the hair off of my, uh, hands and my knuckles and fingers, and then, you know, back in therapy again, you know, you're bad, you're wrong, you can't do that. And then I started to actually bite my knuckles themselves until they were wrong, would bleed, and then, you know, that wasn't okay, obviously, and now I'm back in therapy, then I start pulling my hair out, and, you know, now that's not okay. And so then now I'm literally just internalizing everything, you know. They're trying to like remove all of these coping mechanisms that you have that, you know, necessarily probably might not be good, but they're not like adding in anything for you to use, like. Exactly. And I mean, things got so bad that I started to bite my nails, you know, because like when I went to kindergarten, that was like too much for me. And so, you know, all that anxiety over stimulation and, you know, due to the diagnosis is, you know, caused me to start to need, you know, an outlet because right part of what's, I wouldn't say wrong, but part of what we struggle with is regulation and staying regulated, and our bodies don't do it naturally. So we need a physical outlet for it, whether it's like or a motor or, you know, like my fidget that I've been messing with this whole time or, you know, taking a sip of a drink, just we need something external to help us to help us to regulate and bring things to a manageable, homeostasis level. And so that's when I started to bite my nails, because it was, you know, all too much. And even early on, they were still like training those behaviors out of me, you know, up until, you know, I went to the doctor because I only went to the doctor when I started, you know, self-harming in their mind. When you were saying your story about that, I mean, it kind of brought up the chat that I had with another kind of autism advocate called Ortinell, and they were talking about like their habit, their stim of like sucking their thumb. And that was, you know, all these just in terms. Sometimes that can be not so great in terms of dental development, you know, pushy front teeth, that was probably not a good idea, but like they just definitely didn't give them any ways to do things differently. They're not like, okay, they are all remote in need, so let's get them some two things or let's like, they must be experiencing these sensory things. So maybe let's try and reduce the sensory or the like, the social stress that we've got on them. It's like, it's just never considered. It's like... Exactly. Humans do things for a reason quite often. Exactly. And that's honestly like one of the things I struggle with, you know, I love my family to death and you know, I talk to them, I don't hold them accountable because that's not really how you ever move forward in life. So the biggest thing that I struggle with is that they never once to themselves were like, nothing's working. Let's try something else. Like that kind of like what you said is like, you know, people don't just behave and act the way they do for no reason. You know, and they just assumed that I was just this way for no reason because I'm bipolar and you know, a brat and defiant and I hallucinate and I have cognitive distortions and you know, all of these things that they thought that I was that I'm not, you know, and so that is like the hardest part for me to have overcome and to, you know, not really be upset about because it's like, you know, if you really love somebody, you know, people don't do things for no reason, like you said, and you've been trying one thing for 20 years and nothing got better. You never once asked yourself, hey, why don't we try something different? Why don't we go get re-evaluated? Why don't we, you know, ask him actually like what's going on instead of keep doing the same and telling him that he's, you know, all of these things and not really offering any help.