 That's right folks, C for comedy, A for Abbott, M for Maxwell, E for Ennis, L for Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell chemo. Experience is the best teacher. Try a chemo. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camos than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's chemo show starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Will you come over here please? Will you listen to me? What are you writing on that pad? Hey Abbott. What are you writing on that pad? I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzy Schwartz, Maggie Mugglemire, Tessie Tinfoil, Lana Turner. Now wait a minute. Lana Turner wouldn't kiss you. Oh no. Oh no. Then I'll scratch her off my list. I love you. You dummy, always thinking of girls. Girls, girls, girls. Now great men don't waste their time on girls. Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would have been if he'd have thought of girls all of the time? In the front row at Earl Carroll's? No, no. Costello, I've been telling you for the past three weeks. You've got to quit chasing girls and get yourself a job. Look at you. Look how sloppy you are. Look at your socks. I can't help my socks Abbott. It's those new Hickok plastic gutters. What's the matter with them? Your stock socks stay up but your legs fall down. Yeah. Tell them I'm looking for Luke Costello. Here boy. I don't know why Fatso. I'm looking for Luke Costello. Boy, he is Luke Costello. The famous Luke Costello. The one and only Luke Costello. That's me. I listen to you on the radio every Thursday night. You break me up and you say, how do you do? Wait. Me? That's the mad Russian. You're saying? Who's going to take this telegram? I'll take it. It's collect. Fourteen dollars. He'll take it. Don't give it to me. Here boy. Hey, Costello. This telegram is from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou, as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation. I would appreciate you taking my place. I appreciate you taking my place on New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign Joe DiMaggio. Abbott. Hey, that's the news. That's the news I've been waiting for. I'm going to be a big league ball player. Yes. DiMaggio probably heard about my playing with the Cuckamonga Wildcats last year. You a ball player? I don't believe it, Costello. You know nothing about balls. Oh no, I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep, I dream about baseball. Don't you ever dream about girls? What? Then miss my turn up at that? Oh, what's the matter with you? Yes. And another thing, Abbott. What page are you on? Never mind what page I'm on. And another thing, Abbott. Not only that, in Paterson, New Jersey, I worked out with a baseball team. I used to stay out until four o'clock in the morning. Why did you stay out until four o'clock in the morning? This was a girl's baseball team. Costello, if you're going to play with New York Yankees, you really have to know something about big league baseball, Lou. I know all about baseball. All right. Suppose there's a left-handed pitcher pitching. What do you do? I put in a right-handed batter. Now, suppose there's a right-handed pitcher pitching. I put in a left-handed batter. But now I trick you. I take out the right-handed pitcher and put in a left-handed pitcher. Then I double-cross you. I take out my left-handed batter and put in a right-handed batter. Wait a minute. Where are you getting all those right-handed batters? The same place where you're getting all those left-handed pitchers. Hello, Louis, honey. It's Merrill and Maxwell. I've got great news. I'm going to play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking you along as a pitcher. Oh, now, Costella, Merrill and Maxwell can't pitch. Oh, no. You should see all the guys she struck out that were trying to get the first base. Ah, no. This kid has got some nice curves. Oh, Louis, you're so sweet. But I do hope you'll be careful. You know, big league baseball is a very dangerous game. Oh, what's dangerous about baseball, Merrill? Well, I read in the paper this morning that in the opening game in Boston, five players died on base. Merrill, you don't seem to know much about baseball. Let me show you how to play indoor baseball. First, I put my left arm around your waist. Then I snuggle my head on your shoulder like this. Then I press my cheek against your cheek. Oh, wait a minute, Costella. That's not the way to play indoor baseball. How do you like that? Every season, new rules. Well, good-bye and good luck, Louis. I just know you'll become famous with those New York Yankees. Merrill is right, Costella. This is your chance to become famous. Now, you've got a good job as a baseball player. Then you might find your proper niche in life. Yes, I might. I mean, after all, if I find my... What will I find? A niche, a niche. You'll find your niche. Abbot, when I find a niche, I scratch it. Now, what in the world are you talking about? A niche. I once had the seven-year niche. What happened? I scratched real fast and got rid of it in three and a half years. But I'm not talking about that kind of a niche. I mean a niche in life. A niche in life is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is successful has found a niche. Paul, if that's the case, I know an error, Dale. It is doing very well. Listen to me, Costella. When I say a niche, I don't mean a niche like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have a notch. Oh. You don't mean a itch like a niche when you have a niche. You mean a niche like you have when you have a notch. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Costella, why do you mash everything up like that? You're the most mixed up man I ever saw. Well, maybe it's because I fell on my mother's mixed master this morning. She had a set for mashed potatoes. I'm all mulled. I know that, you idiot. All I'm trying to tell you is that a niche is a notch. Catch. Natch. Natch. All right. Now, you know that a niche is a notch. You know that both of them are the same. Yes. Now, I could have a notch and you could have a niche. Yes. Niche to me and notch to you. I'm only trying to impress you with the importance of being a big, big, big ball player and having a good income. Did you ever draw a nice big fat salary? No. I never drew a fat salary, but I once sketched a skinny tomato. No, no, no. Costella, when I say draw, I don't mean draw like you draw when you draw. I mean draw like you draw when you draw a salary. Have it. Let me smell your breath. Just as I thought. You've drawn one too many already. No, no, no. Can you listen to me, please? When I say you draw a salary, I mean you draw money. No, he's got me drawing money. Where do the FBI finds out about this? I'll probably draw 20 years in a clink and they don't feed you any salary in there, either. Costella, when I say you draw money, I mean you draw like you draw money to spend it. Not like when you draw on an easel. That's what I always say. With money, it's easel come, easel go. Everybody draws money. When I draw money, I've been drawing money for years. My brother draws money. He's been drawing money for years. You draw and your brother draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and your brother are an old pair of draws. Experience is the best teacher. It happened shortly after the end of the war. Two cigarettes glow in the dusk on the veranda of a country house as a man and woman are chatting. The woman remarks. Robert, you've changed your cigarette brand. This is a camel. I can tell without even looking. Yes, I have changed my brand. You know how we smoked whatever cigarettes we could get during the war? Don't I? Yes, I must have tried all the brands during that shortage. And that's when I found I liked camel's best. And weren't you right? Yes, experience is the best teacher. During the wartime shortage, people smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. It was this experience that taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. As smokers tried cigarette after cigarette on their T zones, that's T for taste and T for throat. It was camel's rich full flavor and cool mildness that stood out from all the others. The result? Today, more people smoked camels than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. And while you light up a camel, here's skinny anus with Linda. When I go to sleep, I never count sheep. I cattle the charms about Linda. Lately it seems, in all of my dreams, I walk with my arms about Linda. But what good does it do me? Fallen that doesn't know I exist. Can't help feeling gloomy. Think of all the lovin' I've missed. We pass on the street. My heart skips a beat. I say to myself, hello, Linda. If only she'd smile, I'd stop her a while. And then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still happen. And when my lucky star begins to shine, with one lucky break, I'll make Linda mine. I pass on the street. My heart skips a beat. I say to myself, hello, Linda. If only she'd smile, I'd stop her a while. And then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still happen. And when my lucky star begins to shine, with one lucky break, I'll make Linda mine. League ball player, you've got to get yourself in shape now. From 8 a.m. to 9 a.m., you lift weights. From 9 to 10, deep knee bends. 10 to 11, skip rope. 11 to 12, run five miles. 12 to 1, I'll never make it. Hey, look, you idiots, you'll never be a ball player. Staying up late and going to nightclubs, eating rich food, running around with beautiful girls. Do you know what can happen to you? Yes, I can become manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers. Custello. I don't even know why DiMaggio picked you. You don't even know how to swing a bat. I know all about swinging bats. When I was a kid, my father used to hit me with a baseball bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball bat. My uncle Addy Stebbins used to hit me with a baseball bat. And my mother used to hit me with a tennis racket. With a tennis racket? Yes, she didn't like baseball. Hiya, fellas. Well, well, it's good to hear this. Hey, Custello, I heard about you taking Joe DiMaggio's place for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know, I used to pitch for the Hollywood stars. And boy, I'll never forget my last game. And we're five men on base. Oh, no, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Five men on base. Now, that's impossible. Did you ever see the Hollywood stars play? Ennis, I've seen the Hollywood stars, and I don't remember you. Oh, I've changed a lot since then. Had the biggest buck teeth you ever saw. I was the only man on the team that could slide in a second base and spike you from either end. Well, so long, fatso. So long, Skinny. So long. Hey, you know that Skinny would make an ugly skeleton? All right. Custello, no waste time with him. Now, you've got to get ready for the opening game. Yes, I think we're going to play the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland Indians, hey? Uh-huh. Feller pitching? Sorry, there's a Feller pitching. Who do you think they'd use a girl? Oh, I know they don't use a girl. I said Feller pitching. What fella? Feller with the Cleveland Indians. Look, Abbott, there's nine guys on the Cleveland team. Now, which fella are you talking about? Feller of that pitches. There is only one Feller with Cleveland. You mean nine Yankees are going to play against one Feller? That's right. You mean there's no fellas in the outfield? No. And there's no fellas in the infield? No, Cleveland only has one Feller. Well, this fella must be pretty good if they don't need any other players but himself. Look, all the players will be out there helping him. You just said there was only one Feller on the team. That's right. Then where did all them other fellas come from? Oh, you idiot. When I say there's only one Feller on the team, I mean there is only one Feller that pitches. Well, Abbott, when the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what does he call him? Feller. You mean it just hollers, hey, Feller. And this guy knows that they mean him? That's right. His name is Feller, Feller, Bob Feller. And when I say there is only one Feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And the Feller that pitches is Feller. There's only the other Fellers on the team, but there's only one Feller. Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean the Feller? The pitches is Feller. And there's other Fellers on the team, but they're not Fellers? Now you're Graspett. Yes, I'm Graspett, but it keeps slipping out of my hand. Let's go into this sporting goods store and get your baseball equipment. I want you to look right for the opening game. Now go ahead and ask that lady there where they keep the baseball uniforms. Pardon me, miss. Well, if it isn't Mr. Abbott. Hello. And Mr. Costello. Hello. Hello. You fart a little, mon. What are you doing in the sporting goods store, miss? Oh, I just stoked in to get a gift for my Norfew. I'm buying him a Bosball. Bosball? Abbott, you know what a Bosball is? That's what the poochers close to the coochers. And the booter tries to boot a home rune. My Norfew is just a little troll, but his ambition is to be a Brooklyn doger, carter. Well, if he's only a little guy, why don't he join the deep-trooped tuggers and be a short stoop? I must be going, as we say in Chinese. And a fish of going chap suey and a push for you too. As Johnny Weismiller said to Buster Crabb, what dive did you come out of? Well, my friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment. I'd like to see a baseball uniform that would fit Costello. So would I. Look, as Adam said to Eve, quit ribbing me. However, I'll do the best I can. We'll start with the spike shoes. What size do you wear? Oh, let me see. I've only got one pair left, and they're size five. Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello. Go ahead and try, okay? Baseball shoes. My, you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Aren't you overweight? I'm about 120 pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight. Yes, but it's normal. 60 pounds overweight. Yes, Sally. You should really go on a diet. Yeah, of course you know what a diet is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like. Young man, if you really want to reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells? Okay, I'm ready whenever you want to have it, all right. Cut that out. Oh, we've got to get your baseball equipment. Mr., do you have any bats? Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat, autographed by Slaughter of the Cardinals. This bat was made for Slaughter. Ain't she got one that was made for baseball? When he says Slaughter, he means Slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter the baseball player? With that, bet you could slaughter anybody. Don't know, Costello. I'm talking about Slaughter. Everybody knows Slaughter. He knows Slaughter. Well, maybe he knows Slaughter, but I don't know. You idiot. Everybody knows Slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the man's last name. What's his first name? He knows. Now there's that clever guy. He knows his first name. Oh, well, that's to get about the bat. Look, Mr., do you have a baseball cap that will fit Costello's head? What size pencil sharpener does he wear? Oh, a baseball cap. Oh, yes, here's a dandy. This is the kind fellow wear. What fellow? The fellow with the Cleveland Indians. There's nine players with the Cleveland Indians. Which fellow are you talking about? Oh, young man, when I say fellow with the Cleveland Indians, I am only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pictures with the Cleveland Indians. When you say to fellow with the Cleveland Indians, you're only referring to one fellow, the fellow that pictures for the Cleveland Indians. Yeah, as Orville said to Wilbur, you're right. It means you're sporting good stories. Oh, forget about him, Costa. Hey, wait a minute, I've got an idea. Mrs. Wetwash's late husband used to be a big league ball player. Now, he was a home-run king in other words. Now, maybe she'll give you one of his bats for good luck. Let's go over to her house and ask her. Oh, okay. I'll go right over now, huh? You're right, Abbott. As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth long, fella. How do you like that? I forgot what John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth long. Morning, Mrs. Wetwash. Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott. Oh, my. You know you ought to muzzle that St. Bernard dog. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. And tell me, Costello, how are things in Gawker, Moron? Mrs. Wetwash, I wish you hadn't said that. I was just telling Abbott, your face reminds me of a rose. Oh, really? An American Beauty Rose? No. Our rhinoceros. Please set up, Costello. Mrs. Wetwash, Costello is leaving for New York to join Joe DiMaggio's play. Take Joe's place. Isn't that wonderful? He's going to play with the Yanks. Oh, I can't believe it. Yes. What do those big Yanks bomb with a little jerk like him? Mrs. Wetwash, that was an insult. I'll have you know that beautiful women find me irresistible. I don't find you irresistible. And I don't find you beautiful. Why, Costello, ask her for those baseball bats or husband left her. OK, Mrs. Wetwash, I understand when your husband was alive, he had a lot of old bats. That's a lie. He never went out with anybody but me. No, no, no, no, Mrs. Wetwash. Costello means your husband's baseball bats. Yes, he thought you might give him one of them. Yes. That's right, Mrs. Wetwash. You see, I need a good bat. Oh, you need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out. Can I have the bat right now? Right now. Bill Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor, producers of The Sea of Grass. For camel fans everywhere in honor of New Orleans Jazz Week, Marilyn sings for the first time on the air, the title song of the picture, New Orleans. So you know what it means to miss New Orleans tonight? The moss covered voles, sugar pines. Four doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Three leading independent researcher organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand name most was camel. Now you probably enjoy rich, full flavor and cool mildness in a cigarette, just as much as doctors do. And that's why if you're not a camel smoker now, try a camel on your t-zone. That's tea for taste and tea for throat. Your true proving ground for any cigarette. Sea of camel's rich flavor of superbly blended choice tobaccos is an extra delightful to your taste. Sea of camel's cool mildness isn't in harmony with your throat. Sea if you too don't say camels, suit my t-zone to a T. Well, Castello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yankees manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Look, have it. If you're a coach, you must know all the players. I certainly do. Well, you know, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know strange that may seem they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names. You mean funny names? Strange names, pet names like Dizzy Dean and... It's brother Daffy. Daffy Dean. And their French cousin. French. Gouffé. Gouffé Dean, I see. Well, let's see what we have on the bags. We have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third. That's what I want to find out. I say who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third. Are you the manager? Yes. You're going to be the coach too? Yes. And you know the fellow's name? Oh, I should. Well, then who's on first? Yes. I mean the fellow's name. Who? The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's who's name. Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me. That's it. That's who? Yes. Look, you got a first baseman. Certainly. Who's playing first? That's right. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base. Who? The guy that gets the money. That's it. Who gets the money? He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Who's one? Yes. So what's wrong with that? Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? The guy. Who? How does he sign his name to the contract? That's how he signs it. Who? Yes. All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base? No, what is on second base? I'm not asking you who's on second base. Who's on third? One baseman at a time. Well, that won't change the plaintiff's name. I'm not changing nobody. Make it easy, buddy. I'm only asking you who's the guy on first base? That's right. Okay. All right. I mean, what's the guy's name on first base? No, what is on second? I'm not asking you who's on second base. Who's on third? I don't know. Oh, he's on third. We're not talking about him. Now, how could I get on third base? Why, you mentioned his name. If I mentioned a third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? No, who's playing first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't know. He's on third. There I go. Back on third again. How could you say on third base you don't go off it? All right. What do you want to know? Now, who's playing third base? Why do you insist on putting who on third base? What am I putting on third? Oh, what is on second? You don't want who on second? Who is on first? I don't know. Third base! Look, you got our field. Sure. The left field is named. Why? I just thought I'd ask. Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Now, tell me who's playing left field. Who is playing first? I'm not! Stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field. No, what is on second? I'm not asking you who's on second. Who's on first? I don't know. Third base! His name? Why? Because. Oh, he's center field. Me, you speed him up! Look, look, look. You got a pitcher on a team. Sure. What's the pitcher's name? Tamara. You don't want to tell me today? I'm telling you, man. Go ahead. Tamara. What time? What time? What time? Tamara, you're going to tell me who's pitching. Now, listen. Who is not pitching? I'll break your arm, you say? Who's on first? I want to know what's the pitcher's name. What's on second? I don't know. Third base! How to catch it? Certainly. The catcher's name. Today? Today. The Tamara's pitcher. Now, you've got it. All we got is a couple of days on a left field. I know I'm a catcher, too. So they don't. I could be behind a plate, do some fancy catching. Tamara's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Now, the heavy hitter puts the ball. When he puts the ball, me being a good catcher, I'm going to throw the guy out of first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to a who. Now, that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about. That's all you have to do. Just to throw the ball to first base. Yes. Now, who's got it? Naturally. I throw the ball to first base, somebody's got to get it. Now, who has it? Naturally. Who? Naturally. Naturally. Naturally. So I pick up the ball and I throw it to naturally. No, you don't. You throw the ball to a who. Naturally. That's different. That's what I say. You're not saying that. I throw the ball to naturally. You throw it to a who. Naturally. That's it. That's what I said. That's it. You asked me. I throw the ball to a who. Naturally. Now, you asked me. You throw the ball to a who. Naturally. That's it. Same as you. Don't change your role. Same as you. Hey, now get it over with. I throw the ball to a who. Whoever it is, drops the ball and the guy runs a second. Yes. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What throws it to? I don't know. I don't know. It throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play. Yes. Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to be caused. Why? I don't know. He's a third and I don't give a darn. What? I said, I don't give a darn. Oh, that's short stuff. How many did you win? One moment for Camel Cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Fort Lyon, Colorado, USAF Station Hospital, Davis-Montham Field, Tucson, Arizona, US Naval Hospital, Quantico, Virginia, US Marine Hospital, Baltimore, Maryland, and Veterans Hospital, Palo Alto, California. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts are practically every area in the world where men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. What is that, Lou? You've got your hand there. Another telegram? Hey, Abbott, look, I just got a telegram from Joe DiMaggio. Well, go ahead and read it. Okay. Dear Lou, just heard your show. I think you have the makings of the world's greatest natural ball player. You have spiked teeth, a club head, and you've been off your base for years. Good. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. And a special good night to Joe DiMaggio. Get well quick, Joe. Have it on Costello again next Thursday night when Costello is going to build himself a new prefabricated house. You can imagine the trouble you'll get at him. I don't know whether it'll be a one-story house or a two-story house, but anyway, that's another story. Prince Albert, pipe appeal. They're one and the same thing. Any tobacco burns, makes smoke, but where else can you find the tobacco that has the pipe appeal of Prince Albert? The coolness, mildness, the rich, full flavor. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. Creme cut to smokes low and cool. So pack your pipe with mellow, rich, PA. Enjoy pipe appeal with Prince Albert. And while we're speaking of enjoying yourself, be sure to tune in on Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night. You all know and love the songs of America, but this week you have something extra special in store for you. Red Foley and his Gus. Ernest Tubb and Roy Acuff. Grand Ole Opry Saturday night on NBC. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abaddon Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teach. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. C-A-M-E-L-S. Abaddon Costello's famous baseball routine, Who's Un-First, is now available at Phonograph Records. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camels.