 From Hollywood, California, the Lux Radio Theater presents W.C. Fields and Anne Shirley in Puffy. Lux presents Hollywood. To the thousands of loyal listeners who wouldn't miss a Monday night with us, to the thousands of loyal women who insist on Lux Flake, our grateful thanks. Your purchases of Lux Flake make these programs possible. Our bill tonight is headed by W.C. Fields, Anne Shirley, John Payne, and Skeets Gallagher in Puffy. We'll also hear from Ms. Margaret Graham of the Algy Barned Self-Plotel Circus, who tells us of customs, costumes, and superstitions of the circus. Louis Silvers conducts our orchestra. And now, here's our producer. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Between the ages of 11 and 15, Mr. W.C. Fields, born Claude William Ducan Fields, never slept on a real bed. He spent his nights under stairways in box crates and doorways. Having no home, he'd become the idol of Philadelphia's other small boys. The toughest brats for miles around would seek him out for a fight. Fields never could refuse a challenge. And his bulbous nose is really a red badge of courage. It stands today as a radiant monument to the valor of its possessor and to the amazing accuracy of his opponent's fists. His fame at a juggler began with a $10-a-week job at Atlantic City. Fields was part of a free entertainment, which the management staged to stimulate the sale of refreshments. When business was dull, he would wade into the surf, scream for help, and pretend to drown. Huge crowds would collect. And while the victim was being resuscitated, the refreshment business would flourish. It was not unusual for Mr. Fields to drown three or four times a day. To this day, his character remains unchanged. He is still Fields Against the World, a strange combination of cynicism and sentiment, of stern truth and honeyed prevarication. Mr. Fields starred in Dorothy Donnelly's stage play, Puppy, and also in the Paramount film from which comes our radio adaptation. His latest Paramount picture is the big broadcast of 1938. And we hear him tonight as Professor Eustace P. McGargle. The title role will be played by that delightful young star, the versatile Anne Shirley. Anne is from RKO Studios, where her latest films are Law of the Underworld and Condemned Women. John Payne of Paramount Studios is Billy Farnsworth, Skeets Gallagher is heard as Whiffin'. And we're off to the big show, as the Lux Radio Theatre presents W.C. Fields and Anne Shirley in Puppy. The county fairgrounds on the outskirts of a tiny Indiana town in the year 1881. At the end of the midway on a rickety platform stands a bulbous-nosed gentleman known as the Professor. In one hand he holds a decrepit banjo, and the other a quart bottle of purple-bark sarsaparilla, guaranteed. With his old top hat riding perilously on the bridge of his nose, he leans down to the crowd and addresses them in a rasping baritone. I stepped right up, ladies and gentlemen, close the platform. Step out of the gutter bar and let the water run. You'll hear absolutely free of charge my charming daughter, Puppy, the flower of the song world. In a song recital, and I shall accompany her on that noble instrument, that kadula kadula. I thank you, I thank you, and it's my privilege and pleasure to introduce the most remarkable scientific discovery of modern times. Purple-bark sarsaparilla, one dollar a bottle, four quarters, one smackeye, purple-bark sarsaparilla, ladies and gentlemen, one cure. Memory for man, a beast, fish, fowl, grow hair on a billiard ball. Will it grow hair in a pool ball? All but the eighth ball. It's a fake. How are you impugned, my honor? It's a fake. I saw her afterwards in a restaurant. Well, you will stout me. I thought that we're killing from eight to a dozen women a day. Let me show you the man who sells that remedy. Oh, that's fine. That's what it is, boo. How do you do? Lovely weather we're having. How many bottles? None. I bought one bottle of that bile stuff from you yesterday. Oh, so you did. So you did. How's your Adam's apple today? I never had an Adam's apple. Oh, how unfortunate. You sold me this stuff for my dyspeptia. I spilled a little on the floor last night and my cat licked it up. Hadn't this morning expected you to eat it in your bulldog's eye. How interesting. He's dead. Overdose. He should have only taken the nip. Cat nip. That medicine of yours killed him. Now, just a moment. Step aside, young lady. Step aside. It cures horse nips. Ladies and gentlemen, it cures horse nips. It cures the most stubborn case of horse nips. One little drop of this bottle, I guarantee. It cures the most cunning place. It cures horse nips. Yes, Dad, we better get out of here quick, Dad. Ah, quiet, dear. It snag and craze. Sheriff, sheriff. But she's getting the sheriff. Come on, Dad. He's only quitting, dear. Just have fun. I'll probably sell a bottle of the Gildersley. What is it? Point him out. Look, Dad, she did get the sheriff. There he is, Sheriff. Hey, young lady. He's coming over here. Copy my child. What, Dad? Take it on the lamb, my little farm. The Bunyan steeple chases on. There, there. And shuffling their little feet and singing by me, Mr. Shea. Oh, Dad, look. Do you mind if we stop walking for a while? I'm so tired. Oh, how thoughtless of me. Sit down, my little farm, and rest your pretty little bones. Here's a nice tin can for you. Sit on that. Do you think we're safe here? Dear, Dad, I'm so hungry. Courage, my daughter. Courage. The Green Medal Carnival is just around the bend. What bend? Ah, you have me there. Look. Look, here comes a wagon. Yeah. Gilpin's hurrying to the carnival. Yes, but they're riding, and we're walking. Walking is good. Shorten the appetite. Here. Here. Here. Chew on this piece of milkweed. It's full of calcium and good for the teeth. Oh, no thanks. Dad. Huh? Dad, why don't you reform? Reform who? Well, yourself. Say you're smarter than any other man I ever met. Why, if we could settle down in one of these little towns and get a house all our own, why, you'd own the whole town and most of the farms around it in five years. You encourage me in the five-year plan? Oh, you know you could get it without stealing, too. Steal? Like Robin Hood, I take from rich and give to the poor. Oh, what poor? Us poor. Us poor is right. Oh, Dad, I'm so sick of it. I'd like to be able sometime to look everybody straight in the face, and I'd scrub floors to do it. How could you look anyone straight in the face when you're scrubbing floors? Oh, Dad, please. We can't go on like this forever just living from hand to mouth and sleeping in haystacks and dodging sheriffs. Go on, go on, taunt me. And when you see my amitiated body lying in the gutter, say to yourself, this is my word, and step over me. Oh, darling, please forgive me. But those girls who passed us in that wagon, did you notice them? One tried to give me the office, but I played her for a chill. They look so happy and so pretty. Happy? Someday I shall be rich. And you shall dress pretty, too. You shall have crocs and gowns of diaphanous silk. And you shall have a coat and paw with gilded wheels and flunkies and gold braids. Yes, and just how are you going to get all this? I hadn't thought about that. But where are the wheels away? And they do here. Pardon me, dear, just a touch of liver. Dad, Dad, please listen to me. Oh, I know you mean well, but it isn't only for myself I want those things, it's for you, too. You want me to wear frocks? No. And it doesn't have to be a gilded palisade. Just a nice little place, something we can really call our own. You know, we've never had that. I know it hasn't always been easy for you, but you can keep me up all by yourself. But, oh, gee, we can do better. We can, Dad, if you'll just make up your mind to it. Will you, Dad? Dad. Yeah, fill up, Barkeep. House up yourself. Make wine, Scotch, on rye. Oh, Dad. My dear, the green metal column of the Collins. Yes, but we haven't any purple, Barke. You haven't got a concessioner. We haven't a dime in our pockets. Oh, gee, I'm so hungry. Hungry, my child, there's a police right over there. The sandwich, Sam? But, Dad, we haven't got any money. Quiet, child. Dad, listen, please, you can't get anything without not paying for it. Where's the Uncle Pandora? Dracad. Uncle Pandora, my good man. Good morning. Pa, a little service, please. Oh, sure, what'll it be? I'll give you two of those luscious balloony sandwiches. Sandwich show de la chien. Two dogs, coming up. Dad, please. Do you have a double, dear? No, I don't want any. Oh, that's fine. Make it two doubles. All right, here you are. Thank you. That's 20 cents. Thank you. Do you have mustard poppies on? The mustard, please. Yeah, it's right in front of you. That's 20 cents for the dog. All right. Right in front of me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. No mustard? Say, that's the best there is. If you don't like it, don't eat it. That's 20 cents. 20 cents. Is this refold? Is this a horseradish fresh? Of course it's fresh. That'll be 20 cents, sir. Oh, delicious. Press all this horseradish, my fam. A little mayonnaise, my good man. And some, uh, cranberry sauce, if you have it. And now listen, you horseradish. A mustard, a mayonnaise, a cranberry sauce. It's costing you 20 cents. 20 cents, sir. Yes, 20 cents. Ridiculously cheap. Very reasonable. Remind me to pay you at the end of the engagement. Oh, no, you don't. You pay me right now. Wait. Here, mister, you can have mine back. Mine also. I refuse to do business with a man. You're tramp. You're eating more than half of them. How do you expect me to settle these now? Oh, first you insult me, then you ask my advice on salesman, chef. Hello. Come, my little lad. Hey. Now you keep a civil tongue in your hand. Or you'll lose our trade. Come back here, you. You'll fork over that 20 cents or I'll take it out of your hide. Unhand me, Rick. Unhand me, sir. Press every phone in your hand. Come on, shell out. You take your hands off him. Let him alone. He's ripping my coat. Let go of my coat. Ah, let go of your coat when you give me that 20 cents. Oh, no, you've done it, Eric. Dad, Dad, what's the matter? Oh, I'll pay for this. Hey, what's the matter? I didn't do nothing. What's eating you? Oh, it's broken my sacrileiac. Huh? Ah, ah. My sacrileiac broken in six... What's the matter here? Bring it up. Come on. What's the matter, Joe? This guy here, boss, he wouldn't pay for the dogs. And now he says I broke his ciliac or something. All the pain is excruciating. Shut up. Someone will pay for this and pay dearly. I told you to shut up. You know to whom you are addressing? I don't know who you are, but I happen to be the manager of this show. Manager, eh? Oh. Someone will pay for this, and I think I know who. All right, all right. How much do you want? Ah, how much do I want, eh? Trying to bribe me. Ah, very well. I'll take $10,000 in the concession. I should charge you $20,000. I always was a nidget where our business was concerned. I'll give you the concession and $10. I'll take it or leave it. I'll take it. Here. Your booth is at the end of the midway. On O'Shell Games, no gambling of any kind or description. The mayor of this town is a very fussy guy. No far fuzzier than I myself. I assure you. All right. You can take over the concession any time you want. Thank you. Thank you. Very well, my little plum. It's just as I told you. The will is a way. Open up today. Yes. We're just mixing up a fresh batch of sarsaparilla. Can you please tell me where I could get a pail of water? Sure. There's a little stream right down the way. Let the pail down the bridge. It's pretty clear right there. Well, thank you very much. Shame on you trying to commit suicide at your age. Think of your old father and mother. Think of me. Yes. Well, if I told you what I thought of you, I wouldn't be a lady. Yeah, let me help you up. Don't you touch me riding a horse that way across the bridge. Come on. No. And stop grinning at me like a silly ape. Well, Amira, I bet you'd grin too. Do you have brown eyes or is that just mud? Why you... Oh, gee, I guess I must look terrible. You know, I fell into a stream once. Know what I did? You went and dried all. That's right. Look, there's an old swimming hole about 100 yards downstream. We always hang our suits on a tree there. My sister sort of fit you. You slip into it and I'll put the nag away and I'll see you there in about 10 minutes. All right? Well, all right. Well, you can hang your dress up and let it dry out. See you soon for the time I was in college. Oh, gee. It must be nice living in a town like this. So quiet and peaceful. And then being able to come here whenever you want. I like that. Oh, it's so lovely here, isn't it? Yeah, funny. I never noticed it before. For me, it's just been the swimming hole. Now it's all chained somehow. Your eyes aren't brown, are they? They're blue. They're pretty, too. Well, thank you. I guess I ought to be getting back now. Say, wait. I don't even know your name. It's Poppy. Poppy. Gee, that's beautiful. My name's Billy Fonsworth. My father's the mayor of this town. I'm his son. Well, that's a coincidence. Thank you so much for bringing me here. Well, thanks for not being sore at me for pushing you off the bridge. Well, it wouldn't do me much good. Well, you could always sue you now. Yes. The manager of the carnival is telling me about some old fake that tried to hold him up for $10,000 yesterday. He claimed he broke his arm. He could try that if he wanted to. Could I? Sure. I'd love to be sued by you. Then I could see you every day in court. Maybe you'd find out I was a fake, too. Oh, excuse me. What's the matter? Nothing. Nothing. I've just got to get back. Goodbye. Hey, Poppy. Wait. Hey, bright-up gentlemen. The fascinating scientific game of find the little pig. Sheldron, the table's sold. Find the little pig you win. He'll get far, far, get you eat. Boy, you can play as well as a man. See, old army came. 30 cents, says I can find the ball. Well, gentlemen, that's 30 cents. Plunger, take a choice. I say let me see. It's under the middle one. Left it up and see. Nope, it ain't. And I live and breathe. I thought you had me that time. Here's your 30 cents. Thank you. He'll be the next to out with me. The classic game is in the way of form of gambling. Hey, game of find the little pig. Hey, here comes the mayor. What's that? The mayor, he's coming over here. Ah, yes, my friend. I see him now. Yes, my friend's gambling is a root of all evil. And how will I know? Get those rid of those shells. Get them out of there. Oh, yes, I was a victim of this horrible curse. An unwilling pawn. Call to the Toils of the Elzipar. Let it feel really a lesson to you. Needless and sound, Sister Wolffinger. Excuse me, sir. May I shake your hand, please? Of course, of course, sure. We need more men of your kind than these traveling carnival, sir. Men with a real message. Men of steel. Steel, sir? Oh, I beg ask. You're right. Pardon me. Permit me to introduce myself. I'm Mayor Farnsworth. Mayor, your honor, this is a surprise indeed. I am Dr. Eustice P. McGargle. F-A-S-N. Oh, go right ahead with the lecture, doctor. Sorry I just finished half a tick ago. Are you meeting on the grounds all afternoon? No, no, I'm leaving at 4.30. How unfortunate. My next lecture won't start at about 4.32. Oh, excuse me. Dr. McGargle, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Tubbs. How'd you do, doctor? Mrs. Tubbs is one of our town's most solid citizens. Ah, she looks, sir. I mean, how'd you do? How'd you do? I heard part of your talk, doctor, and I think it was just thrilling. I wish you'd come and call on me sometime. Oh, I'd be delighted. Oh, thank you. Shall we go on, Mayor? Oh, wait, Sarah. I want you to meet Dr. McGargle also. Dr. McGargle, this is Mrs. Sarah Brown. How do you do? How do you do? Mrs. Brown was a great moral leader in our community. Ah, a woman after my own heart. I hope not. Very good, very good, Sarah. Shall we go? Yes. Well, good night, doctor, and good luck. Oh, thank you, thank you very much. Keep up the good work. Oh, thank you. Scarcely have left the crowns before I should be hard at it again. Good night, doctor. Don't forget. You're going to take me around the town, isn't it? Oh, I'll take you there. You bet I will. She's all dressed up like a well-kept green. Ten cents, as I can guess what shell is under. You still here? Go away. My name's Wython. What a pretty name. Go away, you draw flies. Well, gee whiz, all right. Wait a minute. Who is that fat lady with just hair? That's Mrs. Tubbs. She's a widow. Kind of dumb, I always thought. I just wanted to check on my judgment. Good day, Mrs. Wython. Of course, she's pretty rich. Who's rich? Mrs. Tubbs. Got her hands on most the money in this town. He's St. Saul. Yep, it was luck tour in a wheel. In a wheel, eh? Yep, second cousin or something, got the tour in a wheel. That's very interesting. Very interesting indeed. Very interesting. Widow, eh? Yep, widow. You thinking of something? Yes, yes, I was, yes. Had an old blind eye on the mine used to say where there's a wheel, there's prosperity just around the corner. We've come to the information in our Lux Radio Theatre. In just a moment we'll go on with act two of Poppy, starring W.C. Fields and Van Shirley. Now for our Between the Acts parlor game. Tonight we have a couple of tongue twisters for you to try. We've asked two of the young ladies here in the Lux Radio Theatre to try their luck and they're right here beside me now. They think they're up to any tongue twisters we've got. Are you? Our first contestant is Miss Eleanor James, now of Hollywood, who came here from 1504 Paxton Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio. Miss James, let's hear you say this three times. No wrinkles wrinkle like ankle wrinkles wrinkle. No wrinkles wrinkle like ankle wrinkles wrinkle. No wrinkles wrinkle like ankle wrinkles wrinkle. No wrinkles wrinkle like ankle wrinkles wrinkle. That's fine. But here's a wrinkle for every woman who is embarrassed by stockings that have that droopy look around the ankles. When you wash your stockings in Lux Flakes, they keep their shape and fit because they retain elasticity. For real stocking flattery, use Lux every time. And by way of thanking you, Miss James, here's a big economical box of Lux. Oh, thank you very much. And now for our second volunteer. She's Mrs. William Parker of Hollywood, who formerly lived at 615 Powell Street, San Francisco. Mrs. Parker, see if you can say this three times. Lux's luxurious lustrous suds leave long-lasting elasticity. Lux's luxurious lustrous suds leave long-lasting elasticity. Lux's luxurious lustrous suds leave long-lasting elasticity. Luxus luxurious, lustrous suds leave long-lasting elasticity. That's not so bad. Luxus luxurious lustrous suds leave long-lasting elasticity. When you use strong soap on your stockings, you weaken their elasticity. Rubbing with cake soap does this too. But luck saves elasticity so stockings can give instead of breaking so often into runs. And now, Mrs. Parker, here's a big box of lux flakes with our compliments. Thank you both very much. Thank you. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille. We continue with Puppey, starring W.C. Fields and Anne Shirley. It's early the same evening, and Professor McGargle has gone a-wooing. On the doorstep of Mrs. Tubbs' comfortable house, he adjusts his purple brocaded vest, flourishes a tattered handkerchief at his dusty shoes, and wraps smartly on the door. Dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, here those pennies fall. Every once for the professor, he will get them all in more tune. It's a matter, everybody dance. Ah, good evening, mademoiselle shrubs. Hey, Dr. McGargle, what a pleasant surprise. Oh, come in, please. Thank you. Oh, go right in the parlor, Dr. McGargle. Welcome to my modest little cottage. Oh, quite a charming lean-to you have here. Reminds me of my wiki-off on the McGargle River. Tributary to Lake Titicaca. Would you sit down, please? Oh, well, thank you. I hope to pardon my intruding at this hour, Mrs. Flubs. Tubbs. Tubbs. Tubbs, yes, thank you. Ah, well, I came on a mission of utmost delicacy. Oh, oh, something to do with charity, no doubt. Well, yes, and no, and no. Nevertheless, I'm ashamed to come empty-handed. I had fully intended to bring you a basket of hollyhocks, but I couldn't still buy a, um, they're out of season. I didn't want to bring you canned hollyhocks. Oh, of course, I understand. Let me take your hand. Oh, no trouble. I'll put it right here. Oh! Oh, what a clumsy Japanese I am. I'm afraid I've broken your lovely bar. Oh, it's all right. It's just some of the water spilling on the family olive. Here, let me dry it off. Oh, water stains. Picture, so it's horrid. Do you like water? A little on the side. Oh, I mean, um... Give it to me, give it to me. I'll try it. Oh, oh! Ah, the page is, uh, this one's loose. It came out right in my hand. Oh, well, it really doesn't matter. Oh, you're too kind, Mrs. Dub. I shall take this picture along with me and have a new print made, first opportunity. Oh, but you really don't have to. Oh, say no more, dismiss it. It's good it's done. Oh, well, if you insist. Oh, I'm rather proud of my album, you know, as such an old family. Yes, so I say. Are you interested in family albums, those are the fondest things I am. There are some very interesting things in this one. I'm sure. Well, well, well, well. John L. Sullivan. Oh, no, no, this is my old aunt Anna. Yes, and she is for me. Yes, she is, yes, she is. She's very queen. What biceps, what a beaver. Oh, look, look, look, this one here. The man with the beard. What's that? Well, of all things, if it isn't cockeyed mulligan. I don't know who Mr. cockeyed mulligan is, but this is a picture of my husband. Oh, he's such a whore to find looking old carjury is, too. I'll hope you're part of the mistake, Mrs. Dub. I confused you with the man who used to work with me. He had to work for me rather than the silver mine, gold and platinum mines I had up at Cohen's Gulf. What? The old mulligan, the old stew. My best fellow ever lived, he died before his time, died young. Oh, well, did you say you owned gold and platinum mines? Oh, did I, yes, it might have slipped out. Well, that's very interesting. Yeah, I always thought so myself. That's one of the things that brought me here tonight. Really? Yes, Mrs. Nubs. When a man has spent his life of hard work, could I ever tell you the story of how mulligan and I parted here? Dove often escarpment of frigid ice into the winter mucka river, each with a canoe under his arm. Oh, how brave! When we approached the opposite shore, we were confronted by 10,000, 50,000 Skagway Indians. They only stood with their Tommy Hawks raised high above their heads. Mulligan and I unsheathed our bowie knives and cut a parcel of this wall of human flesh, dragging our canoes behind us. Oh, I'm marvelous. Well, anyway, nothing really. When a man has amassed his share of this world's goods, his heart turns to things of a more spiritual nature. He dreams of peace and security, and the middle old age. In the company of... the woman I love. Oh, Dr. McDonald. Mrs. Trump, has anyone told, ever told you you were beautiful? Well, yes. I knew they had. I knew they'd beat me to it. I knew it. Oh, no, no, just wait. Before you go any further, doctor, I think I ought to tell you. I shall never marry again. Oh, you won't, eh? After leading me on. What? You can't take a man's heart and tear it to shreds. What? Making me look like a dave in the eyes of the world? Me with a grown daughter? Oh, yes. Quite the clear case of breach of promise. What? Women, women, women. A mere pawn in the clutches of an adventurer. Oh, the idea. Professor, that's mighty fine stuff you got there, and mighty fine of you to invite me over, too. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Here, have another lager. A shrug. Mr. Whippen, a drink, deep of a brimming bowl. It's kind of hot, ain't it? Yeah, it hurts your purple boxers, for all of them own private backs. Ninety-eight percent spirits for mentai, two percent sweeteners. We're talking about Mrs. Mugs, I believe. You mean Mrs. Tub, yes. She has plenty of money. So it ain't rightfully hers. It isn't, eh? How come? Well, the whole caboodle of this estate belongs to Catherine Putnam, if you can be found. Oh, Mrs. Harris, eh? Yep, been gone for twenty years, ever since she fussed with her father. She ran off of the circus. That left Mrs. Kinn, you know, Mrs. Tub, next to Kinn. Oh, millions molding in the bank, eh? I'd like to do something for that poor unfortunate soul. If I get my hands on that money, I could double it in a fortnet. If you could get your hands on it, but nobody can, but nobody's going to, either, until they find out what's the count of Mrs. Catherine Putnam and her daughter. Daughter, eh? Yep, she had a baby. How old would you be about now? Oh, let me see now, figure times, figure is figure, three times, eighteen, the best of my recollection. Eighteen, eh? That's what Pompey says. That's right. And if that daughter, Catherine Putnam's daughter, if she could be found, she'd inherit the whole estate, eh? Yep. Thinking of something? Yeah, no, of course, eh, no. Well, good night, friend, and I think I can call you my friend. Oh, no you don't, you're figuring on something. I can read you like a book. And if I was you, I wouldn't try to pass off my daughter as Catherine Putnam, unless I had expert advice. Am I in? My dear man. Am I in? You suppose I would try to prove that I married Catherine Putnam? You suppose I would try to fake a marriage certificate? You suppose I would say that my daughter is not my own flesh and blood, but Catherine Putnam's daughter? You suppose I would do all this for the sake of filthy looker? Yes, I do. Oh, all right, then, you're in. What do you say, Poppy, once around again? All right, I'll get the bracelet this time. How do we've got to get off? I want to speak to you, Poppy. All right, Billy. Billy, thank you a lot. Fun. A girl like you been around carnivals all your life, and you still get a kick out of a wooden heart. I can't understand it. Well, I guess I feel like you did. You know about the swimming hole. Oh, I never knew it was such fun before. Poppy, you've forgiven me, haven't you? Well, you know, for what I said the other day about... Oh, of course I have. You didn't know, and, well, anyway, I guess part of it's true. No, but it isn't. Why, well, he's a swell guy. Oh, he is a swell guy. Poppy, do you still feel the same? I mean about, well, wanting to settle down in a little town like this. Well, I guess so. Why? Well, well, I could fix it. You? Sure. But how? Well, all you have to do is just stay here. Stay here and marry me. Billy, oh, but you don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do. I mean it. It just stuck me all of a sudden, Poppy, but honest, I mean it, like I never meant anything in my life. Oh, Billy, you're so sweet, but... Oh, I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Dad to go roaming all over the country by himself. You know, he's getting an awful lot of trouble without me. Oh, well, and it's hopeless, huh? I'm afraid so. Yeah, well, it's a good idea. Billy, look, maybe someday... What? Maybe someday we'll come back this way and if I do and if things are different, well, they may be different, you never can tell. Oh, sure you can, Poppy. Poppy, would you give me something to keep until you do come back? I know it sounds silly, but I really want it. All right, I'll give you the only thing I've got, Billy. I know it isn't much, but it's something. Here, it's this locket. I've had it ever since I was a kid. It's only a baby's locket, but, well, it's gold anyway. Oh, thanks, Poppy. Right up here, Mayor, the Professor's temporary quarters. You say your positive with Dr. McGargle was married to Catherine Putnam after she left home? That's right, Mayor. Sounds awful fishy to me. Here we are. Good morning, Doctor. Ah, Mr. Whiffen, good morning. Dr. McGargle, I brought Mary Fawnsworth to see you. Oh, Your Honor, I trust you'll fit this apology day in. Good morning, Doctor. Mary Fawnsworth wants to ask you a few questions. Oh, procedure, Your Honor. Yes. Doctor, what was your wife's maiden name? Uh, my wife. You referred to Catherine? No, no, no, no, the family name. Was it by any chance Putnam? I'll be candid with you, Mayor. It was. But you rarely used it, the misunderstanding in the family. Mayor Fawnsworth is the sole trustee of the Putnam estate. That's so very interesting, very interesting. Yes. Mr. Whiffen tells me your wife passed away several years ago. Yes, poor dear. She was killed in Upper Sandusky. She was run over by a pie wagon. One of those hit-and-gallop-away drivers. One of the horses, a gray mare, swayed back. Never mind the horse, just find your wife. Oh, yes, my little pride of just the air, pardon me. My pigeon. My little kitty pie. What was her approximate weight? Well, she fought as a weller with her weight. She varied from time to time. She dieted frequently and all. He'd have to catch her on the scale. Well, what was her average weight? How much weight, let me see, let me see. It's just slipped my mind for the long. Well, was it one hundred pounds, two hundred pounds? Uh, what did you say, Mr. Whiffen? Nothing, got a little cough, that's all. Try some of this pine tar elixir. Your cough intrigues me. Well, well, Dr. McGurgle, one hundred or two hundred? I would say offhand, one or two hundred pounds. I never watched her closely on the scale. Well, one hundred pounds, Mr. Jack. Now tell me, what about her height? Oh, you mean, um, you mean the household washing? Yes. Oh, yes, now let me see, let me see, uh, your mind works so quickly, man. Cough, cough, cough, cough. What's this, what? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, your honor. Let me see now, household washing. Cough, cough, cough, cough. Oh, yeah, it was eight feet tall. Eight feet? Ah, this is all very distressing. I was thinking of a piece of land, my boy, eight by sixteen, up in Cucamonga. Had a very fine view of the ocean. Well, well, how tall was she? Not sure, not sure, not sure. She was five feet three inches and her silk stocking, fraction shorter than her bare feet, of course. Well, we've been searching for Catherine Putnam for years now. You see, doctor, if Catherine died without leaving any children, the whole estate goes to Mrs. Pubs. Oh, yes, Mrs. Tubs. But you have a daughter, doctor. True, potential heiress to my vast copper interests, on the shores of Lake Titicaca. High up in the Andes. Tell me, doctor, had your wife any distinguishing marks, any birth marks? Birth marks, birth marks, uh... No, no, she never slept on the birth. She preferred the smoking grove. We always played blackjack for chewing the bath off. Uh-huh, Catherine Putnam had a mole on her left ear. I did, eh? Yes, she did. Ah, that was when you knew her. I removed it later with purple fox-sized perilla. Oh, oh, I see. Well, have you any other proofs? Nothing at all. Oh, yes, I have a photograph of her. Taken in her teens, in the mud bath, of the Monahub by the Manahouse, up at Punxitone. Now, where did I put that? He loved those mud baths. I had that around here, but I couldn't say that. Oh, what's this? Oh, here it is. This all marriage license. Which, of course, can be of no interest to anyone. What? Let me see that. A marriage license. Doctor, do you know the value of this document? Only that it is very near and dear to me. By this, your daughter becomes the heiress to the Putnam fortune. You overwhelmed me. What a coincidence. That I should have carried it all these years. And now it serves to bring more untold wealth and happiness to my little plum. I congratulate you, doctor. Your daughter's a very lucky girl. Thank you. You've been a great help, Your Honor. I've always known that someone come along to claim the Putnam fortune, but I've always been afraid of imposters. Oh, dear. Terrible creatures. I avoid them like I do whiskey. Oh, we would have caught anyone who tried it. Yes, sir. We'd have given them 20 years of hard labor. I know you might catch them all right, but the hard labor would be a bit difficult, I'm afraid. That's right. But we've been spared that, Dr. McGargle. I'm very happy for all concerns. Yes, the Putnam fortune is in good hands. I'm sure of it. Well, now go and see about transferring the estate. Good day, Your Honor. Good day. What a man. What a brain, if any. Pause for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. We've lowered the curtain on the second act of PAPE. Before starting act three, we spend the short intermission with a real-life character from the big tops and soda circles, such as we encounter in PAPE. Our guest is Miss Margaret Graham. Wardrobe mistress of the algae-bond cells-cloto circuit. Now, if I were visiting you, Miss Graham, in your tent at the circuit, instead of you visiting us in the Lux Radio Theater, would you take me for a rube? Yes, Mr. Demille, because you'd probably ask me. Before questions, everybody asks anybody with a circus. Where did you come from? Where do you go from here? How long does an elephant live, and why are performing horses always white? What would be your answers? Well, I came from winter quarters at the Bourbon Park, California. In three weeks, we leave on our tour, and we don't stop moving until the last of October. An elephant lives to be about a hundred, because that's as good an answer as any. And horses are white because white doesn't show the rosin, sprinkled on the back of course to keep the riders from slipping. What else would you like to know? That's all satisfactory except the age of the elephant. Now, how did you join the circus? Well, I started off with a Wild West Shell, a Buffalo Bill as a rider, way back in 1911. But my riding days are over, and I've sort of settled down to the less hazardous occupation of Wardrobe. Less hazardous perhaps, but equally interesting, I'm sure. Tights and Spangles have spelled circus since time immemorial. There's a lot more to it than tights and spangles, Mr. DeMille. When the circus gets to town, I have my own wagon drawn by four elephants to bring the costumes from the train to the Wardrobe tent. We can't take any risk of costumes not being ready or not looking exactly right. And that's why I won't let anything but luxe plates and water touch our fine suits and dresses and Spanish laces. And I'm not the only one who uses luxe either. It's part of a circus tradition that every crappie's artist furnish her own silk tights. They're very fussy about tights, and tights are very fussy things themselves. And if you would like into my Wardrobe tent any night after the show is over, you see those high-paid girls washing their own tights in luxe plates. They won't let me do it for them. A bit finicky, eh? Well, it's one of the circus customs, and believe me, we have plenty of them. You're not superstitious, Miss Graham. Not superstitious, just careful, for example. I'd never think of whistling in a dressing room because that would mean that the girl who's drunk is nearest the entrance would get fired. What happens if you hadn't intended to whistle but suddenly found out that you had? I'd get out of the tent as fast as I could, turn around three times, and then come in. That makes everything all right again. I see. Not superstitious, just careful. Any other things that are bad? Plantsy, for example. No one in the circus would dream of playing a harmonica. That means an accident. This year, Joe, our trained chappanese, is going to play the harmonica in a new act, and while he isn't human, he's close enough to have all pretty much on edge. You'll never see a yellow costume worn on a Friday. Any other day, it's all right, but on Friday, it's just begging for bad luck, and nobody traveling with a circus would think of owning one of those old-fashioned camelback trunks. What's wrong with a camelback trunk? There's sure sign that we'll have bad weather all season. And if a newcomer does know why anybody has the perfect right to throw the trunk off the train, and now, Mr. DeMille, let me wish you and Lux Radio Theatre red days with plenty of straw and no dooky runs. Thank you, but what does that mean? Red days with plenty of straw means nice weather and a full house, and no dooky runs mean that you'll always come in according to schedule in other words, the best of luck. Thank you, Miss Graham. And plenty of straw to use. Now for the third act of puppy with W.C. Fields and Anne Shirley. The news of puppy's good fortune has spread rapidly around the town. On the strength of the wealth that will soon be his daughter, the professor has blossomed forth in a beautiful new pea-green suit. As he strolls down the main street, he's greeted by admirers on every side. Morning, professor. Morning, my good man. Morning, doctor. Morning, friend. Planning to fix up the button of mistake, much professor? Somebody said you was figuring on selling it. Yeah, what about it, doc? Gentlemen, I have already granted the Green Middle Gazette a full interview on all matters pertaining to my daughter's inheritance. Therefore, I should not care to make any premature or oral announcement for fear of misquoting myself. But I may tell you, there will be a formal dance in Clambake and possibly a baseball game at the Putnam House in the very near future to celebrate my daughter's new found wealth. And you are invited well and all. Try to get in. Hey, professor, I want to see you. Good morning, Mr. Whippen. Sorry I'm in such a hurry. May be able to squeeze you in for a few moments later on in the season. Oh, you know, you know, professor. I said I wanted to speak to you and I'm going to. And I said, Mr. Whippen, that I was in a hurry. You ain't been in such a hurry to let me have something. Not as money you've been on me for the last week or so. You know, get my hands on it. Oh, quiet, quiet. I'll see you some other time. No, you'll see me right now. And if you don't, I'll publish your double dealings all over this community. Shut up, I tell you. Shut up. If there has been any double dealings, my friend, I dare say you've had your finger in there. You hold on. Yeah, watch out, doc. Yeah, watch the matter. Have you annoyed me further? I said someone's a customer. Oh, no, you won't. Cease. All right. We'll smite you upon the sconce with this bunch of... You love? Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. Make a deal. Billy, I still can't believe it. It isn't true. It can't be. Well, if it isn't, you're certainly feeding the whole town for nothing. Look at them. They'll have that buffet supper cleaned up before it's even time to dance. Oh, well, let them. I want them to be happy too. Just as happy as I am. You've got everything you want, Papa. Oh, more than everything, Billy. But you know, I don't want to take it all. I want to give half to Mrs. Tubbs. But Poppy, I don't... No, I wouldn't feel right if I did not. Good evening, Poppy. Oh, Mrs. Brown. How are you, Billy? I'm fine, Aunt Sarah. I'm so glad you could come, Mrs. Brown. Do you think I'd miss it, my dear? I've been a friend of Billy's too long to miss the announcement of his engagement. Engagement? Oh, dear, I... I suppose I've let the cat out of the bag again. You certainly have. Poppy, your father's going to announce our engagement tonight. You don't mind, do you? Mind? Of course she doesn't. She's a fine boy, Poppy, and he's getting a very sweet girl. Oh, thank you. Green Meadows, it is my privilege at this time to introduce to you a man who needs no introduction. I give you that great entertainer, that kindly and lovable character, Dr. Eustace P. McGargle F-A-S-N. I thank you, I thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I shall play for you this evening the first motive of the DJ. From the opera Shrekensmats by Gilke Kimmel and Osip P. Pettipol on my beloved Kedula Kedula. But before I do, before I do, I want to introduce to you the model of the scientific name, Purple Fox and Sparilla. Come down. Dad, dad, no. I think if I'm there, I think if I'm off, I'm fine. I'm not a Purple Fox. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I have a very important announcement. Soon, ladies and gentlemen, in this very room in which you stand, two of the oldest families in Indiana will be joined by wedlock. I refer to the family farms with and the house of McGargle. Stop it, I say. What's the matter? What's the matter? Who are you? What's the matter? Mr. Whiffin, what's the meaning of this? Your Honor, before this goes any further, I want you to know that this man, the father of the girl who, to be your daughter-in-law, is one of the biggest swindlers that ever come down the pipe. What's that? It belongs in the nut bag. Mr. Whiffin, you'll have to support those remarks. I'll support them all right. You've got that marriage certificate he gave you? Right here in my pocket. Well, take a look at it. I can prove it. He claims this paper was made out in 1863. You see that watermark there? Plain as the bones in your hand, 1881. Oh, I've been flamed. I've been swindled. Get a lawyer. Dr. McGargle, explain this at once. I shall explain it, have no fear. I shall have my paternity here first thing in the morning. Hoppy, take it on the lambs. Stop that man. Stop that man. Don't cry, Hoppy. Let me alone, please. Run along, Billy. I'll take care of it. Come, Hoppy. You're going home with me. Hoppy, dear, don't cry anymore. And don't worry about him. He'll be all right. They never made an arrest in this town except by mistake. Why did he do it? Why? No, I guess he just didn't know any better. But he does. He's smart, really. Honesty is. I'll answer it. You stay here. Good evening, Miss Brown. Oh, Dad. May I step in for a moment? Yes, get in before somebody sees you. Oh, Dad. Dad, I was so worried. You came back for me. I have to say goodbye, my baby. I have been looting the local band of assassins all evening. I saw the light in this modest cottage. And looking in the window, I spied you, my little flower. Oh, Dad, please, you've got to hide. What do you do if they find you? About 20 years. If you're lucky. Quite true. Oh, Dad, you've got to get away now. Come on, dear. I'll go with you. No, my baby, you must stay here. But I don't want to. I want to be with you. You're my father. My plum? I can't lie to you any longer. I'm not your father. What? No, my baby. I found you with a circus when you were three years old. Listen, the bloodhounds are on us. I must go. Oh, but, Dad! Here, my plum, I empty my pockets for you. Take these worldly goods. Three dollars and cash, the shell game, and some private paper. They're all I have. Dad, Dad, you can't leave now. I must, dear. Goodbye, my plum, and bless you. And one word of fatherly advice before I go. Poppy, never give a sucker an even break. If you ever wish to join me, telegraph me and kiss the ice palace, Montreal! Oh, he's gone and I'll never see him again. Poppy, dear, perhaps it's all for the best. Oh, no. How can you say that? Oh, I don't care if he was my real father or not. He's the only one I've ever known. Well, he didn't leave you very much, my dear. A shell game. That'll be a help. And a photograph. Oh, looks like it's been torn out of some album. Poppy, what is this? What? This picture. Where did he get it? I don't know. Do you know who this is? It's a picture of Catherine Putnam. And that's her little girl right there, see? She was just a baby. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. I'd know Catherine Putnam. She was one of my best friends. And that little locket around the baby's neck. Where? I gave it to Billy. It's shaped just like this one. Wait. Did you open it? Well, open it. I didn't know it opened. There's a picture in it. A picture of Catherine Putnam's baby. It was cut down from this one here. If the picture in that locket is the same as this one... Then if it is... Oh, come on. Quit. Where are we going? We've got to find the mayor. And we've got to find Billy. And we've got to find that locket. Where he got it, I don't know. That's Catherine Putnam, all right. And that's her baby. Now, wait, Billy. Billy, have you got that locket? Open it, Billy. Give it to me. Look. The picture in the locket. It's the same as the other. Oh, you are Catherine Putnam's daughter. And the rightful owner of the estate. This proves it beyond a doubt. Go on inside, Professor. Hand me, hand me, you flat-footed, killed-asleeper. I'll kick you to the chin. I got him there. He tried to escape on a stolen horse. With my horse, he stole. Oh, Dad, what happened? A fortune to war on my plum. I never did think much of that horse. And he dropped dead right in front of the police station. To release him right now? Of course. Of course, my dear. Constable, take those handcuffs off him. What? Go on. Go on. You can't arrest a man for stealing a dead horse. Certainly not. What's the matter? Is everybody crazy? Oh, Dad, listen. Darling, I've got the most wonderful news for you. I'm really an heiress. Uh, sure. You're getting smart now. No. No. Dad, look. I'm really Katherine Putnam's daughter. We just proved this. What, Katherine? Why? Of course you are, my plum. I know it all along. And why didn't you say so? If you remember, my dear fellow, I did say so, and you were going to give me 20 years. Well, I must say goodbye. Goodbye. What for? The carnival is moving, dear. And I'm moving with it. Oh, no, Dad. No. Dad, there's no place for me here. But I'll come and see you if I may. I shall come on Sundays for chicken dinner. Dad, please. We want you to live with us. No, my plum. Not a word. This is where you belong, my little baby. You'll be happy. And I could never feel happy or natural unless there was a copper at least 100 yards behind me. Oh, Dad, I love you. I love you, puppy. Goodbye, my little plum. And that is the end of puppy. Mr. Fields and Miss Shirley will rejoin us presently. Meanwhile, Melville Roick wants to give you another of his strange but true facts, Mr. Roick. Do you know that the average mother, according to a recent estimate, washes nearly 28,000 dishes and over 26,000 pieces of silver every year? More than 54,000 pieces. And that's just for the three regular meals every day. He doesn't include any special meals or entertaining, nor cooking utensils and dishes used around the kitchen. Now, that's a lot of dishes to wash every year. And your hands are bound to suffer if you aren't careful about the soap you use. Yet thousands of women who do their own dishwashing keep their hands lovely and soft. They use luxe flakes, because they've found luxe gives them hand-beauty treatment. Luxe is so gentle that it doesn't dry the beauty oils that keep hands young-looking and beautiful. Why not begin right away to use luxe for your dishes? Buy luxe flakes tomorrow. Be sure to get the large box. It's even more economical that way. Now, Mr. DeMille. Ladies and gentlemen, in this ring you are about to witness one of the most dazzling and electrifying exhibits of a continent by man. It is known to scientists across the Sphilsium and to the world in general as the nose that launched a thousand quits. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, accompanied by W.C. Fields and Anne Shirley. Thank you, but let's be informal. Just please call me Whitey. Did you ever really travel with a circus? Oh yes, Anne. I once lent my services to a per-granating mount of ants. I was with them for a brief sabitical. It made me valet de chum to the elephant. You mean you packed its trunk? Yes, I'll never forget my first day under the big top. The wardrobe mistress handed me a uniform and dazzling creation of red and gold. The gold was counterfeit. Did it fit you, Mr. Fields? It fit me fine, Mr. DeMille, but it required every ounce of strength in my frame to get it on that elephant. My name was Gertrude. Go on, go on, please. What happened there? I recall one beautiful afternoon Gertrude stalled when a little lipper ambled up a child, Annie, with a bag of peanuts. A little rich pointed at my nose and said, Look, Mama, this elephant talks. In my nose my face turned red. But Mr. Fields, don't you know that anything washed in luck never changes color? Might I recommend that you dip your trunk, I mean nose, excuse me, into an organ of those beautiful lucks, and if you too wish to impute my honor, I shall be heckled no more. Mr. DeMille, I bid you good night. Gargle like a true McSpoken. Oh, I mean spoken like a true McGargle. Good night, Mr. DeMille, and thank you. Good night, Anne. Good night to both of you. To our stage next Monday night comes the exciting two-fisted drama of a man's fight for power and wealth. Force is the only law he respects. By force he wins success and a wife. By force he loses both until he finally learns that there's another law in life called love. Our play is titled The Boss. It was written by Edward Sheldon and proved a great hit on Broadway. It brings back to our microphone three superb Hollywood artists, Edward Arnold, Faye Ray, and H.B. Warner. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night. When the Lux Radio Theatre presents Edward Arnold, Faye Ray, and H.B. Warner in The Boss. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Heard in our play tonight was Keith Gallagher's written, John Payne's Billy Vaughn's work, Helena Grant's Mrs. Tubbs, Lou Merrill's Mayor Vaughn's work, Gretchen Thomas' Sarah Brown, and W.L. Thorne's manager of circus. Louis Silver's appeared for courtesy of 20th Century Fox Studios, where he directed music for the new picture Sally, Irene, and Mary. John Payne will be seen shortly in the Paramount film College Swing. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.