 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette, and year in, year out. LSMFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. Season after season, at market after market. Independent tobacco experts, men who really know tobacco, can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently Select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Real lucky strike tobacco. And remember, this fine lucky strike tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. And now, I'm going to sing about the beauty of your life. Here at Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Last Thursday night, the Academy Awards were given out to a favorite few. All the Hollywood celebrities gathered at the Shrine Auditorium to take their hats off to the winners. And so tonight, we bring you the man who had the Hat-Check concession, Jack Benny! And this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, you shouldn't have introduced me as a man the man who had the hat check concession at the Academy Awards. I was master of ceremonies. Two. And Don, having the hat check concession certainly taught me a lot about those so-called big stars and pictures. What do you mean, Jack? You should see the tiffs they leave. Terry Grant, 15 cents. Clark Gable, 10 cents. Margaret O'Brien, a nickel. I felt like throwing it right back in her face. I couldn't believe it. I thought that, you know, I never saw such small tips. I thought that tambourine I had on the counter would help a little. What? And Don, Don, you know Rex Harrison? Yes? A shilling. You like that? He thought because it looks like an American quarter, I wouldn't notice it. A shilling in this country? Well, what can you do with it? Let the Owl drugstore worry about that. Breakfast there this morning. Anyway, Don, it was really a thrill seeing all those stars get those awards. Harold Russell, Anne Baxter, Frederick March, Olivia de Havilland, Ray Maland. Ray Maland? Did he win something again this year? No, he won an award last year. He just came back to get a new cork for it. Anyway, Don, the whole affair was really exciting. Well, tell me, Jack, who else was there? Well, it was Jane Wyman, Gregory Peck, Lionel Barrymore, Larry Parks, Dinah Shore, Hugo Carmichael, and, and... Hugo Carmichael? Jack, you mean Hoagie Carmichael? Don, if Hugo was good enough for Sam Goldwyn, it's good enough for me. For Goldwyn, I'm not going to louse up my chances. Anyway, Don, with such a wonderful affair, I was proud that they picked me as master of ceremonies. Well, Jack, I can understand you're being honored and thrilled. As a matter of fact, I too have something to be proud of. Really? What, Don? Well, this is television week, and they've asked me to appear on a television program. You on television? Don, Don, let me look at you, will you? Don, Don, well, turn around again, will you? No, no, it'll never work, Don, it'll never work. You, you can forget about television. Why? They'll never get a 60-inch beam on a 10-inch screen. Oh, Jack, I wish you wouldn't kid me about my size. I'm not so fat. You're not, eh? How about the time you got stuck in the Hollywood Bowl? I remember... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack, hello, Don. Hello, Mary. What are you talking about, fellas? Oh, the Academy Awards, television, and Don's stomach. You can take your choice of subject. Well, I picked television, and, Don, I read a wonderful poem about it. A poem about television? Well, let's hear it. Okay. Television is here to stay, and it won't be hard to sell it. Now you can hear and see Jack's show, and soon you'll be able to smell it. Mary, don't talk about my show. Have you ever tuned in to Fred Allen's program when the wind is from the east, and your air conditioning is fighting a losing battle? It's enough to make you lose faith in your air wick. Just teasing. If you want to know something, I went to the Academy Thursday, and I thought you were wonderful as master's ceremony. Well, thanks, Dalface. Thank you. But I still had a feeling that when we were giving out the award, you thought the committee was unfair. I thought the committee was unfair? Well, it gave you that impression. You were the only one on the stage with a picket sign. I wasn't picketing. The sign said, keep your eye on your own hat and coat. I'm on the stage now. And I wasn't a bit jealous. When Olivia DeHavillin won her award, I walked right over to her, slapped her on the back, and said, congratulations. Ha, ha, ha. What are you laughing at, Mary? Then Olivia slapped Jack on the back. His two-pace slipped down over his eyes, and Jack whispered, kiss me, honey, the lights went out. It was a long speech, and you got it out. But that could happen. I'm always worried about those long speeches. But that could happen to anyone, really. Oh, but seriously, Jack, I thought you looked wonderful up there on the stage in that good-looking tuxedo. Where'd you rent it? I didn't rent that tuxedo. I know you didn't buy it. Now, come on. Where'd you get it? Mary, let's drop the subject. By the way, where were you sitting? Who about the 10th row, and Jack, you'll never guess who was sitting right in front of me. Who? Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ronald Coleman was there? What was he wearing? A tuxedo. Well, you beat me to that, Joe. He must have two of them. Harry, we made a deal. Ronnie lown me his tuxedo, and I returned his lawn mower. Now, what's the use of being neighbor that... Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Benny, but I had trouble with my new car. Dennis, I didn't know you had a car. Yes, my first one. When I drove down to the studio, I had to go around the block 86 times before I ran out of gas and the car stopped. Well, that's the silliest thing. Dennis, when you want to stop a car, all you have to do is step on the brakes. Oh, brakes. And now that you're here, let's have your song. What's it going to be? Well, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, so I thought I'd like to sing Johnny God. Well, ensure it, and I'd be disappointed if you didn't. Go ahead. Yesterday, I left the port of Cork and on a ship from Old Deer and Xyle without a friend to meet me there. And a stranger on the shore, fortune came galore. So here I am going back to dear Old Deer and Xyle. The friends they'll meet me on the pier and they'll greet me with a smile. They're a face that I'll surely forget for I was so long away. Oh, my mother will introduce them all, and this to me will say, shake hand that your uncle might me boy, shake hand if you sister Kate. Here is the girl you used to swing down on the garden gate. Shake hands with all the neighbors and kiss the Collins. Our lawyers welcome us. The flowers are made to dear Old Johnny Goll. They'll give a party when I get back and they'll come from near and far. They'll line the road for miles and miles with Irish joining cars. The spirits are flowing well, I'll be gay and we'll fill our hearts with joy. The piper will play and I'll resrail to greet the Yankee boy. Oh, what a party! Oh, tomorrow after the church I'll go and where did I will be to my pretty little Colleen Bond. Sweet Nelly McGee. Oh, Nelly was true and faithful to her dinny are the sea. We'll join the harp and jammer to who the stars of liberty. They'll come brandigan, flandigan, milligan, gilligan, duffie, muck, coffee, malachem, ahone, rafferty, rafferty, Donnelly, Connelly, dolly, dolly, muljowny, mulone, radigan, cadigan, lannan, flannan, fagaro, haggaro, hullan, pin, channan, lannan, oggity, burgundy, Kelly, oh Kelly, oh Benny, McGinn. Then I'll shake the hand of my uncle, Mike, the hand of me sister Kate. Oh, I'll hug and squeeze as much as I please, the girl in the garden gate. I'll invite all the neighbors to be wedding great and small. And I'll bless your mayor cause, never go dry. That song for my mother. You what? I sang that song for my mother. Oh, well, it certainly is an appropriate song. I don't know anyone more Irish than your mother. Yeah. She wouldn't see the Jolson story till I told her it was the life of Pat O'Brien. And she liked that new picture about Jerome Kern. Which one? Till the McClouds roll by. I'll bet his mother thinks NBC stands for Nolan Branigan and Cassidy. Well, as long as it keeps her happy, I guess it's all. Hiya, Livvy. Hello, kid. Sorry I'm late, Buster. Well, Phil, look, it's about time you got here, you know. Well, it wasn't my fault, Jackson, and I got a good excuse. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're gonna tell me that you overslept, jumped out of bed, dressed as fast as you could and rushed over here. Hey! How did you know? You left a curler in your hair. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. All right. So I got a curler in my hair. I overslept a little. I'm sorry I'm late and let's forget it. Forget it? Unless you want to make something out of it. No, I don't want to make anything out of it. Phil, you must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. Why? You've got Alice's shoes on. How do you like that? I told her a thousand times, put them under the pillow, Blondie. Put them under the pillow. Look, Phil, stop kidding. You wore Alice's shoes for a gag. You got your laugh. Now take them off. We need that kind of laugh. Sight stuff. Television is here. I know, I know. Ah, television. That's when I'll shine. When people can hear and see Harris. Shangri-La with a ham-hawk. Isn't that awful? You know, folks, he really thinks he's handsome. Phil, what makes you so egotistical? I ain't egotistical. I'm much better looking than I think I am. So you're not conceited, eh? Not me and my family. Alice is the one who's conceited. Alice? Yeah, she thinks she's prettier than I am. Why, the ingrate. After all the years, you let her support you. Now, Phil. Phil. Stardust eyes. Narcissus boy. Hey, Shlamil. What? Come on, picking up your baton and making like you're leading a band. Then see if you can't. Who can that be? Come in. Yes? Mr. Benny? My name is Lewis. On last Thursday night, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences gave out their annual awards. Yes, yes, that's right. At that affair, you were the master of ceremonies, weren't you? Yes, yes. In fact, I was on the stage during the entire proceeding. Oh, that's what I want to see you about. There's an Oscar missing. Now, wait a minute, Mr. Lewis. Does the Academy Award Committee think for one minute that a man in my position, a celebrity, a star for 15 years, a man who is respected by millions, would stoop so low as to steal an Oscar? Yes. He borrowed the tuxedo, too. Mary, please. Mr. Lewis, I consider that an insult, and I wish that you'd get out of here now. Now, go on, get out. All right. But before I go, there's another matter I want to talk to you about. The owl drug store. Get out of here. That's gratitude for you. The Academy Committee calls me up, asked me to be master of ceremonies, so I accept. What happens? Do I get any thanks? No. Do I get any salary? No. A taxi fare and a lousy cheese sandwich. No butter. Hey, Jackson, what about my band number? Just a minute, Phil. We got to have a commercial first. Go ahead, Don. Let's have the commercial. Well, Jack, I'm glad you finally got around to it. What? I've got a surprise for you. Surprise? What is it? Well, you had trouble getting a quartet. The sponsor insisted on having one, so I took things in my own hands. Wait a minute, Don. You took things in your own little fat hands before. You got the sportsman quartet. They cost me $500 a week, and that's what caused all the trouble. But, Jack, I got you another quartet, and it isn't going to cost you nearly as much. I don't care about... Jack, give him a chance to talk. Maybe this new group will satisfy the sponsor and solve your whole problem. Well, all right, Don. What did you do? I mean, who have you got? Well, first of all, I only had to get three other fellas because you've already got Dennis and you pay him anyway. Well, now you're really thinking, Don. Where are the other three guys? Well, they'll be here any minute. Okay, Don. I'll give them a chance. Well, maybe they'll... I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennett. This is Rochester. Hello, Rochester. What do you want? I'm in a lot of trouble, boss. You shouldn't have asked me to bake a loaf of bread for dinner tonight. Why? What happened? Well, I took a small bowl and put in two cups of flour. Uh-huh. Then I put in a cake of yeast. Uh-huh. Then I added one cup of water and stirred it together. Well... It looked kind of dry, so I added more water. I see. Since I added more water, I threw in another cake of yeast. Well, isn't that a lot of yeast? That's what I thought, so I put in more water. More flour. More... More flour. More flour, I see. That made it too dry, so then I added more water. Rochester. That made it too soggy, so I put in some more yeast. More yeast. So to bounce the proportions, I added more flour. Flour? Champagne. I had to do something to break the monotony. Rochester, that's ridiculous. Mixing champagne with flour, water and yeast. We got the only lump of bread with a bun on it. Stop being silly. You made this whole thing up and you know it. I thought so. Now come on, Rochester. What did you really call me for? You know that thing you brought home Thursday night that you woke me up to show it to me? Yes. Do I shine it with bronze polish or gold polish? Don't bother shining it. I have to give it back. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? He will rascal you. Never mind. Goodbye. Goodbye. He makes up the wildest things I've ever heard in my life. Now, Don, what about the quartet you say you've got? Dennis is here. Where are the other three fellas? Well, Jack, they ought to be here any minute. In fact, here comes one now. Andy Russell. Andy Russell. Andy, I can't believe this. I mean, do you want to be in my quartet? Well, sure, Jack. If it'll help you out. Gee, this is wonderful. Dennis, this is Andy. Where's Amos? Amos and Andy. This is Russell. Not that Russell. I'm thrilled with having you in my quartet. But, uh... It's Portuguese. For how much money do you want? Yes, Portuguese. I mean, how much money would you want? Oh, $35 a week. $35 a week? Mm-hmm. I can't believe it. Well, would $30 be all right? No, no. I'm perfectly willing to pay $35. You must spend at least half of that for tooth powder. I mean, it must be wonderful to have such sparkling teeth. Well, it has its drawbacks. Huh? Well, when I talked to Donna Meachie, we blind each other. I can understand that. Well, anyway, Andy, you're so... Well, hold it, Jack, hold it. Here comes another member of the quartet. Dick Hame! Dick Hame! I haven't seen you since you were on my show three years ago. Oh, I know, Jack. It's nice to be with you again. Well, thanks. Thanks. But tell me, Dick, why are you wearing those dark glasses? Well, Andy Russell might smile, and I'm not taking any chances. Oh, yes, yes, the teeth. Mary. Mary, you remember... you remember Dick Hame's, don't you? Mary! Dick, I'm certainly thrilled having you as a member of the quartet, but, uh... What? What's the matter, Dick? Can't you understand Portuguese? Dick, what I'm trying to say is, well, if you're going to be in the quartet, how much money would you want? $35 a week. $35 a week? Well, now, Jack, if you're going to start haggling, just forget about it. No, no, I'm not haggling. I mean, I... I think you're worth every cent of it. You know? But of course, I can't make it... Hold it, Jack, hold it. Here comes another member of the quartet. Bing Crosby. Wow! When the blue of the night meets the gold of the day, her less, her less, her teardrop. Crosby, I can't get over it. You were expecting maybe a transcription. I'm so surprised... I'm so surprised to see you. By the way, Bing, how's Dick's teeth? Ask Senator Clegg on it. Well, Crosby, you shouldn't have wasted that one here. I hope it'll give you two bucks for it. Well, we needed that one. Now, Bing, believe me, I'd love to have you as one of my quartet, but, uh... Fifty dollars. I understand Portuguese. Fifty dollars. Wait a minute, Bing. Andy Russell and Dick Hames are both willing to work for thirty-five dollars. Why do you want fifty? I got four kids. Oh, yes, yeah. I read where you're going to put them in the movie. Yeah, one of them is almost nine. He's been loafing around the house long enough. Well, look, fellas, I know that you're all good singers individually and Dennis has been with me a long time. But do you think you can all give me what I want as a quartet? Um... Wait a minute, fellas. That's your idea of a quartet. You're starting off on the wrong course. Don't worry, Jack. Don't worry. They're just warming up. Now, do you want to hear what they've prepared? Of course. Of course. Now, let's see. Thirty-five and thirty-five is seventy and fifty is a hundred and twenty. Not bad. All right, Don. Let's see if they're worth. I mean, let's see what they've got to offer. Okay, fellas, let's have it. I'll be loving you always. The love that's true always. The things you plan need a helping hand. Understand. Cemetery. The smoke for me. The hell picked up his teeth in his day. First, it was all right. But for my purpose, I've got to have something a little more lively. Do you think you can do it? Yes, sir. You bet. Why? Yeah, I've been smoking pelcos for nine to twenty years. No, no. No, no, Bing. That's not what I mean. Oh, Jack, Bing's right. Every time you sit down and listen to your radio, you're auto-light a-lucky. Auto-light. You had to get the plug in, huh? Now, come on, fellas. I want to hear a livelier number. How about it? Okay. Take it, boys. He always sings ragging music to the cattle as he swings back and forward in the saddle on a hearth. Pretty good horse, eh? Howdy, sinker, baited, then he sets a funny meter to the roar of his repeater. How they run, how they run. When they hear the bells gunned because the western folks all know he's a high pollutant, good shooting son of a gun from Arizona. Ragtime coward. Hold that coward. L-S-M-F-T. Puff, puff. The singing I can't complain about, but that time, he didn't give me enough commercial and was just a little bit too fast. I want something in between the two numbers that you sang. Oh, we have another song, Jack. It'll be just exactly what you like. You have? Hey, Dick, I'll sing bass this time. No, no, I want to sing bass. I think, I think I ought to sing bass and get down where the money is. Don't argue about it. Why don't you flip a coin for us? I think the old man is right here. I got a coin. What do you say, Dick? Heads or tails? Hey, Bing, where'd you get that funny-looking quarter? I had lunch at the old drug store. You're holding up the show. Now, this costs me $120. If you don't attend a business, I'll call a whole thing off. Now, come on. Let me have your other song. Yes, Mr. Penny. Take it, boys. Nothing could be finer than goes for a Carolina in the mall. Dawn and Phil and Jack go out and pick that fine tobacco in the morning. Round and firm and fully. You left out a word. It's beyond the raucous tobacco. Bad English, fellas. Never looked the least at CD in the mall. They're picking and they're planning while they're singing and they're chanting in the mall. Alice, M-F-F, Alice, M-F-F-F-T. Now, that's a lucky strike to smoke for me. Nothing could be finer than goes for a Carolina in the mall. No, fellas. That's not it. If you smoke a lucky, I will love you in Kentucky. Wait a minute, fellas. That's done. Now, give me your lucky strike. One for Patton. One for Mike. No, wait. You lied. You meant well and believe me, I appreciate it. But you boys just won't do. What? How do you like that? Now, you can leave your names and maybe something will come up. So long, fellas. How do you like that? Oh, yes. No use talking. I just got to get my old quartet back. As you listen to the chant of the tobacco auctioneer, remember, L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. Say, I'm not a big... I'm American. Lucky strike means fine tobacco and it's a cigarette. It's the tobacco that counts. Mr. Alexander G. Irvin of Reedsville, North Carolina has been a tobacco warehouseman for 14 years. He really knows tobacco. So listen to what he said. Facts are facts. And at the auction for good many seasons, I've seen the makers of lucky strike by good and ripe, mellow tobacco. The kind of fine tobacco that you just can't beat you just can't beat for real smoking quality. I've smoked Lucky's myself for 14 years. Remember, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Irvin can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. No doubt about it. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real, deep down, smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. I want to thank Bing Crosby, Dick Hames, and Andy Russell for being with us tonight. It was very nice. Hey, Jackson, just a minute. What is it, Bing? Weekly variety, which is the outstanding newspaper of the entertainment world, has given you an award for your 15 years in radio. They feel that your weekly clam bakes on the air have been consistently right in the groove for low these many years. And I agree with them. Congratulations. Well, thanks, Bing. Thanks very much. On behalf of my cast and writers who have been with me so long, I want to thank the variety for this honor. And say, Bing, it was nice of you to make this presentation to me, but I wish you'd do me a favor. Sure, Jack. Anything. What is it? After all, we got a classy program. The next time you come over, tuck your shirt in. Will you? I mean, those palm trees waving around upset me. There we go. Good night, folks. The National Broadcasting Company.