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05. Stop trying to make others happy.

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Published on Mar 6, 2013

Most people believe that to create a happy relationship you should try to make the other person happy. It's a common belief. It is a very common belief. But there's a big problem. It's a belief that does not work. The purpose of a relationship is not to go around trying to make the other person happy. The purpose of a relationship is for you to create who you want to be, and not try to make the other person who you want them to be. Trying to make another person happy frequently leads to incorrect assumptions, not being honest, and not being true to who you want to be. Trying to make other people happy frequently leads you to feel confusion and eventual resentment at having 'lost' yourself in the relationship. What you just read is in direct conflict with what most people believe.

Try this instead: (1) Stop believing that to be happy in a relationship you have to make the other person happy. (2) Instead, to create a happy relationship, simply respond to whatever is going on in a way that fulfills who you say you are. That's it. If you want to be a loving person, simply define yourself with words like, "I am a loving person", and then respond to whatever is going on in a way that fits your definition of yourself. Define yourself, by creating a self-definition, and then change your self-definition whenever you come up with a better one. Then be true to yourself. It's your responsibility to make yourself happy. It's the other person's responsibility to be happy without you taking on their job of making them happy.
If you respond with kindness, or love, or patience, or thoughtfulness, then you will find your mate, friends, or associates will be happy to be with you. It is normal to want those around you to be happy. It feels good when they are happy. The best way for you to make others happy is for you to respond to whatever is going on in a manner that is in harmony with your self- definition. When you are true to yourself you will be false to no one. Others will be happy to be around those who are predictably in harmony with a positive self-definition.

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