 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm your host Jonathan Asley of Jonathan asley.com And I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today our topic the number one myth the number one myth About how men fall in love. This is a myth Okay Really quickly before we get started if you're new to my channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell Sign up to my newsletter So you can get most you get notified of my content because I shoot three four videos A week Okay, I'm too excited about this one this myth about understanding how men fall in love so I was interacting on a recent YouTube video with one of you and One of the women had written that men fall in love With absence men fall in love with absence. What what I'm what that means is that when we're away from you that's how we fall in love and This is such a effing ridiculous ridiculous fallacy Because and let me explain why Now while it's true that when we're apart with someone we care about them we can miss them Okay, we can miss them But we don't fall in love through the missing. That's such a myth We might here's what happens during the missing it can activate our abandonment issues It could a band it could activate our trust issues It could activate our anxiety Those are the things that can happen when we're spending when we're apart from someone and why I'm bringing this up because you Ladies you have been so conditioned by so many other coaches to do this lean back method lean back So he can miss you so it creates tension between the two of you And I'm here to say that that space in between might not always Create a lot of unhealthy behavior. It can create a lot of Inner anxiety within another person so they rush back in to get that dopamine rush with you But that's not how he actually falls in love It might be Attachment issues going on and I've mentioned the book attached many times you can check it out Amir Levine's book attached But what that might do is trigger their attachment issues and attachment isn't love It's just being stuck on someone because you have no control over yourself So be careful about this myth that men fall in love in Absence because we don't fall in love with absence. We fall in love in the doing of things We genuine because here's the thing the last thing if we love someone the last thing we want to be is apart from them Think about that when you love someone do you want to spend time apart and I don't mean a healthy time apart But we don't fall in love in the in the time apart we when we're apart We might miss them and it might activate our anxiety and might activate our trust issues But that's not love real love happens in the doing of social activities of hobbies of mutual interest spending time with family and friends physical intimacy emotional intimacy when we build trust in the Relationship I'm doing this these are roots when we build trust in a relationship We build the roots to commitment that make us fall in love You know in John Gottman's work He talks about the three phases and we took first talks about that lust or limerence phase. It's the biology It's the pheromones and hormones that are going on between us where we where we get pulled in You know that love at first sight that cupid's arrow that pulls us in that's usually driven by lust and limerence and biology and hormones and Then the second phase is building trust is building trust and I'm doing it like this You have to build a level of trust after you've had that first level of lust and limerence This is where most relationships fail Especially if you're listening to crappy dating advice by leaning back and all that kind of stuff And let me clarify something about leaning back I'm a big proponent if you're giving more in the relationship than he's giving then certainly Move back to the 50 yard line. Don't go past the 50 yard line Stop at the 50 yard line. Let him catch up to 50 yard line. That's okay But this game playing that's being taught by so many that men fall in love when you pull away That's not real that only that only serves for unhealthy relationships. I'm here to talk about those deeper relationships When we build that level of trust we can then move into the next layer of Commitment those roots and it takes time to build trust and that's why you have to do things together This is one of the reasons why men don't fall in love with the phone and we don't let me just say something I know a lot of you are wondering why doesn't he communicate with me on the phone? Why doesn't he text me? It's been two weeks since we've seen each other and he doesn't spend any time on the phone It's because here's the thing can you remember any telephone call you've ever had can you remember any Telephone you call yet. I can't remember any telephone call and I had one just about a half hour ago And I barely remember it But I can remember that time we went to Disneyland. I can remember that time we went to a wedding together I can remember that time. We went to a party together. I remember that time We walked to the Hollywood sign together it is through those memories of Doing things together that we fall in love and we definitely don't fall in love over the telephone or text Messaging in fact men in general don't You know, it doesn't activate our juices that way and for sadly for women this totally perks up your juices You could be talking talking talking talking talking on the phone and text messaging Falling deeply in love with a guy and he's not falling. He's by the way never do that in front of a guy I've said this before but he's not falling in love via text message and telephone maybe Temporary attachment, but not love So be careful of this myth that we fall in love with absence because ultimately when we fall in love It's we fall in love because we appreciate you That's when we fall in love when we genuinely appreciate you in our lives We want you in our lives. We care about you and yes when we're apart We're going to miss you, but that's not how we fall in love We fall in love through appreciation through gratitude being grateful with one another That's how love really the healthy kind of love happens and I'm hoping you're seeking that healthy kind of love And that's what at my invitation for you. I Had to scratch my nose. Okay. I want to hear your thoughts on this. You might disagree with me Let's let me let's get a conversation going about this and I want you to genuinely Honor what I've shared today because if you're gonna challenge me on it then be respectful I know some people have been very unkind to me and I'm asking to be kind don't attack me personally Just attack my not attack. You can certainly challenge my ideas, but don't challenge me personally because that's that's That's just not cool And that's my invitation be cool be loving Demonstrate what would love do just like what my podcast talks about All right. Hope you did find value in this video. Please post a comment below Let's get a conversation going if you have a question ask it I read as many as I can I try to respond Also, if you're seeking help with coaching you've got a guide question You need some help check out the link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug I'm going to ask you to give yourself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug I'm going to ask you to turn to someone next to you and give them a big gigantic bear hug because we all need hugs Because what better way to demonstrate love through a hug Gotta run wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Thanks so much. Bye. Bye now