 Hey, it's Bridget. Welcome to Above Live Channel. All right, we are doing our Sunday morning coffee podcast. You're gonna have to deal with the lighting. Just the way it is. It's nighttime. I was motivated to record this because I saw a post on social media that actually totally resonated with me and and on this topic that I had been wanting to record a Sunday morning coffee about. So I wanted to do the topic of the bad guy and jumping off of the concept or the meme or the post that I've seen on social media about being the bad guy in somebody's story. I thought, ooh, we can all relate to that. Can't we? Yeah, I want to talk about that. Let's do that one. But then tonight, after I had a group session, online group, I was posting, uploading some material into the group space, and I saw one that said, I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna read it to you because it's like brilliant. It says, sometimes we are just collateral damage in someone else's war with themselves. Sometimes we're just collateral damage in someone else with their internal war that they're having with themselves. That got me. I felt that. So I wanted to talk about this concept of being the bad guy and it comes from, I have a couple of different perspectives on this and one is that sometimes people use the excuse of oh, I'm just the bad guy to give themselves an out, to not take accountability or responsibility for the actions that they've done, the things that they've done, the behaviors they've had that have caused pain for others. Sometimes the, oh, I guess I'm just the bad guy is the oh, poor me of modern times. Oh, poor me. Yeah, I'm so bad. Feel bad for me. You can't hate me or be mad at me. It's not my fault. I mean, I'm just bad after all. I mean, I'm the bad guy, right? Well, poor me. There is also the bad guy energy of acknowledging and being overly concerned about being the bad guy, being labeled as the bad guy in the situation or the one that hurt another person or the reason why things are bad or the reason why the marriage ended or the reason why X, Y, or Z. So instead of being the excuse, instead of using the bad guy as an excuse, the bad guy becomes the reason, the dumping ground, the guilt, tile, or the over-responsibility for other people's emotions. So the bad guy label can be because you're such an empath that you, of course, blame yourself when other people feel bad because of something you do say or have to be just upfront about or authentic about. So I understand what it feels like to be the bad guy. I am experiencing that. I have been going through that for quite a while. But that is a self-inflicted thing. Self-chosen bad guy. I labeled myself the bad guy. I, and it's easy to do that when you're in a scenario where you can clearly see that you are causing other people pain by your actions. And it doesn't mean that the actions or behaviors are bad. They're not at all bad. They're not bad. They're just they're very open. They're very communicative. They're very honest and upfront and yet it's still painful. So as an empath, there's a lot of guilt that comes with that. Like I'm causing somebody else pain, somebody else that's a good person and the truth is there's nothing I can do about that and it doesn't make me a bad guy. Just because someone else is hurt by you being authentic, being yourself, being transparent, communicating, whatever your values are, your needs are, your evolution, your change, your transformation, whatever that is. If somebody else is upset by that, that doesn't make you bad because they feel bad. You're not bad. Okay? Their interpretation and how your life unfolding affects them because you're in relationship is part of it is theirs to deal with, to address, to manage, to handle, to integrate and part of it is yours. Your responsibility is to be you. Your responsibility is to be authentic. Your responsibility is to show up in integrity and you have to communicate that. That's essential. The communication part is key, do you see? And then to not be overly responsible and label yourself the bad guy and enter into self-pity mode because I'm the bad guy or everyone, everyone is a bad guy in someone else's story, can put somebody in that position using it as an excuse to plunge themselves deep into self-pity. Oh, poor me. Oh, I'm not good enough. Oh, I just need somebody to love me and make up for all my inadequacies. Or I'm not worthy. I suck. Like, oh, what is that? That is completely self-sabotaging thoughts and energy. You don't need that. You don't need that. Be aware of that. Don't go into the self-pity. Yeah, I'm the bad guy. I guess you're just making me the bad guy. It's like, that is you saying, I guess I just feel really guilty right now for my behavior. Or, oh, I guess I feel really bad because I'm making you feel bad. Well, then just say that. Say that. Say how you feel. Say, I'm sorry that my behavior has caused you pain and leave it at that. Let them feel what they're going to feel. Don't avoid it. Don't ignore it. Don't pretend like it's not a big deal because it is. It's a huge freaking deal, but it doesn't make you bad. Unless the behaviors that you are exhibiting or it's a pattern that is inflicting harm to other people because you're not being conscious and making conscious choices and it's hurting other people, that's a different scenario. That's a totally different scenario. That's somebody who's not, who's very kind of self-absorbed or not aware or in their own little world that is doing things over and over again that is affecting other people. And maybe they need a healing journey. Maybe they have challenges in trauma and responses and stuff like that that they're dealing with. I don't know what your situation is or what the situation might be with the person you're dealing with. I'm not sure, but I can tell you that this bad guy thing is not an out. It means something totally different than I guess I'm just the bad guy. That's not. I'm taking responsibility for my actions because somebody can say stuff all they want, but what they choose to continue to do, that's the truth. Their words will lie to you. Their actions tell you the truth. So how are you acting then? If you are feeling like the bad guy, like when I get into moments where I think, oh my gosh, I'm the bad guy, I'm the bad guy, and I've said that in counseling, okay? I literally have said that in counseling early on, like a few months back. I said, I feel like the bad guy, but I didn't say I am the bad guy. I said, I feel like I am the bad guy because I'm causing pain. I'm disrupting the family I'm doing. I feel like me that I am doing all this. If I wasn't doing this or sharing this or feeling this way or being open and talking about this, then I wouldn't be causing my family pain, which isn't by the way true. It might not be overtly obvious what the cause of the pain is, but if I were to disconnect and disengage, because I wasn't being able to show up authentically or fully in my relationships with my family, that would cause them a great deal of pain in the long run. It would erode the quality of all of the relationships, erosion of relationships over time. So being aware of your behaviors is so key, but not going into self-pity mode, not sabotaging yourself and telling yourself you're a piece of crap. That doesn't help anybody. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help anybody. And it's not true. People who behave badly are not necessarily bad people. It's not like that. It's not that clear. There's good people and bad people and that's it. No, there's people and sometimes we are good and sometimes we are bad and sometimes we act like assholes and sometimes we are just assholes overall because we have cycles of acting bad. And if you're in a relationship with someone like that, I'm sorry. And if it's understandable, like you can understand, like it makes sense why they act the way they do, but it still consistently hurts you and they don't course correct their behavior, you can't be in relationship with them. If you're going to be a healthy person or sooner or later, you're going to be the bad guy because you're going to get blamed. You're going to feel guilty. It's going to affect you in other parts of your life like other friendships. Friends are going to get tired of hearing you talk about that scenario with that person that consistently is acting in a manner that creates multiple disruptions and harmful results from their behavior pattern and they are not correcting it and you're still connecting and in relationship with them. Your other friends are going to get so tired of hearing the same thing over and over again because you're the conduit. And in a way, you're supporting the bad behavior by accepting it. You have to have a higher degree of integrity for yourself and dignity to pull yourself above that and to let that person go at least for now until they figure stuff out, you know, and they might not and it sucks and if they're and if that's a sad breakup or loss. That's what it is. That's what it is because you need to be healthy. And part of your job as a soul is to live out your life experience to the best of your ability not to live it out by suffering or holding somebody else's pain and when somebody else has consistent bad behaviors. They're not necessarily a bad person but their behaviors are bad over and over again and they're not in a place where they are correcting that or they don't see it's a problem or they just make an excuse or say oh I'm bad. I don't like their response. You cannot take on the pain and the suffering that they have that is causing the bad behaviors and expect them to get better. Like you're not the vacuum trying to clean up their stuff because then you're going to get sick. You're going to get stressed you're going to be brought down energetically in a place where your soul then cannot perform, cannot experience life and express to your full self that you will be drugged down. Again, it's nice as they are as good as they are, regardless of what caused them to act that way, even though it's justified in the mind or like make sense. You're not here to be a human vacuum for people who can't get their behaviors in alignment with what they say and what they feel. Do you see what I mean. I'm just going to sound like I'm like a really cold person. I'm just being really blunt with you who are empathic, who are taking on other people's suffering and pain and justifying their behaviors because of that. They need to find their own power. If you do things for them, they will not find their own power. If you protect them or covet them or buffer them, they will not find their own power. They will just continue to do the things that hurt you and themselves. It doesn't get corrected. You're just a buffer. It doesn't get corrected. And in the meantime, you're eroding any sort of self-respect, self-love, self-honor that you have. Your integrity is whittling away because of this. Again, not a bad person. You're not a bad person. They're not a bad person, but the behavior is bad. It is not healthy. That means it's bad. Behavior is different than person. Okay, the whole person isn't bad. The behavior is bad. And when they don't correct it, there's not much you can really do about it except disconnect, let them go. They need to figure it out. And maybe they will without you there. And guess what? For a while, they might think of you as the bad guy. They might think you turned your back on them. They might say that you abandoned them or you stopped talking to them or that's all the reason why they X, Y, or Z. It's all on you. Oh, no, but it's all on them and it's really confusing because they blame you, but then they blame themselves and it's so confusing. And the truth is, is you're not the bad guy. You were just in relationship. And unfortunately, the person you were in relationship with was not ready to be in a relationship with you in a healthy, loving way. So let's recap. Don't consider yourself the bad guy. Don't accept the blame, the guilt, the mountain of guilt for other people's feelings or emotions. If indeed your behavior, your action lines up with what you say and how you feel. If you are being authentic and an integrity, you are doing your work. If you are showing up, you are communicating, you are being to your best ability, the best version of yourself. I'm not saying you're perfect. You're going to make mistakes, but you are in alignment with your integrity. And if you are in relationship where someone is not, they say a lot of things, make a lot of promises, but when it gets right down to it, they never show up. They never show up for you. It's always about them. They always have needs. It's always about their needs not being met. It's the same old kind of a thing where they're frustrated about their life, and they're projecting on to you. And then what bounces back to them is the default of, oh poor me, I'm the bad guy. I guess I'll just have to be the bad guy in your story. You have to let them think what they want to think. The truth is, you and I both know we know they're not the bad guy. There's no way you would ever say that they were the bad guy ever. No, it's not that. All right, empaths. I don't know if that was a pep talk or a conversation about relationships. I'm really getting good at this relationship awareness thing because I am working on it. I'm doing a lot of self-work. This is weird like the lighting is weird. I'm working on it. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves. It's true. I'm living it for the best of my ability. This is Bridget. I hope I've inspired you, inspired your spirit, given you some hope, at least understanding and encouraged you to live your life. You can't live other people's lives for them. Believe me, I've tried. It does not work. It doesn't work well. You get to live your life, so live it. Thanks for being here.