 Good evening to you and thank you for joining us on Y254. My name is Patricia Muriuki and as I said last Wednesday, this is a month where we're just talking about love and not just boy meets girl or girl meets boy. Just trying to really dive into the topic on relationships and see what are some of the things that we overlook when it comes to relationships. At what age, what is the ideal age? We know, as I say, every single time society always at its best to tell us when to do certain things. It has limitations, the boundaries, sometimes the clocks that are ticking that we have to make sure that we're keeping up with. But today's conversation just revolves around what men want in a relationship. And that is our topic for the night, talk to us across our social media platforms. That is at Y254 channel, you can also reach me at Patricia Muriuki. And tonight we just tried to understand, we tackled vulnerability last week, but today we now want to get it because most of the times the people who happen to struggle with vulnerability is men. So we really want to see at what extent or are we even supposed to be at what extent should a man be vulnerable or get emotional? So to help us talk about this tonight we have MC Sefer who is the founder of MC Sefer events. So Sefer, how are you doing? I'm doing great. Is Sefer dating? No, Sefer is not dating. Is Sefer searching? I would say that it's not a matter of searching but I don't feel it's like a relationship could be an ideal thing for me at this point. It's not a priority right now. Wow, so I've had some priorities that we're also going to dive into. But as we start this conversation tonight, I would really want to know because you see most of the times when you talk about relationships and when you talk about love or marriage, women tend to be the people so much interested in having such conversations and most of the time even in a platform people talk about what do women want. I would just want to know why is it that this woman left this guy or this woman didn't pick this guy. What do men want in a relationship? When a man is sitting down and their hunting has, what is it really that a guy wants? I feel like in as much as your question is very broad in that you've specified all men and I feel privileged to represent what men want. You better do it the right way. You better do justice to the boy child of tonight. I feel like one of the things that we overlook is peace. Men really want peace of mind. That's why many people just get into a relationship with people who give them peace. People who understand them, people who can be able to interact with them. The most important thing is taking time and knowing what you really want as a person. Knowing what your intention in a relationship is because the people who get into a relationship to maybe show off the girlfriend, the people who want to settle down, work on a marriage, raising a family, and people who just want to be intimate to that person. There are different things when it comes to a relationship but I believe that most men want someone they can relate with, someone who understands them, somebody who can be their peace, somebody who can be their solace during tough times, during that crazy day at work. You've come from work, you're tired, you just want somebody you can relate to, talk to, somebody who understands you differently compared to other people out there and also very importantly somebody who supports you in whatever you're doing. It's more of a mutual kind of thing but now having said that about men, I would like also to add that when it comes to a relationship it's never always about being yourself, what you want as a person, it's only about the two of you. You need to understand yourself from a joint perspective. When you've come together this is what I want, this is what you want, can meet, work, are we compatible together? What do you want now as a team, now that you're together you get. I feel like that's also a very important part to consider when it comes to a relationship. We have people, I like the fact that as you were talking about what men want, at no point did I hear you talk about men want a tall woman, men want a dark woman, men want as much as all those things matter, then it clearly gets to send a message to ladies out here that listen. It goes beyond the physical. Like what has, if I look at you as a lady, as a man who is probably looking for a partner, what more can you give me? Because at the end of the day beauty fades away. So let us move on. Do you think the people right now are dating with the right intentions? I like that you said you're not dating because it is not your priority right now. You feel like there are other things that you're supposed to be focusing on, but these are also very important. Do you think people out here are dating for the right intentions? I always, maybe to answer that, I always say that people tend to say that there's this phrase that people say in Nairobi when they are explaining relationships. Is a gay the one? Yeah Nairobi. You're going to get played, you're going to get, but the truth, the fact out there is that the relationships that are working are never put out there. Nobody ever talks about the relationships that are working. We just wait for those two celebrities to mess up and everybody is talking about them on the blogs and the vlogs. Everybody wants to make fun and claim that Nairobi is the ghetto as you said, but the reality of the matter is that there are relationships which are working. There are people who are in relationships and they mean well. There are people who are in relationships and they are growing despite everything. Trouble is normally in a relationship. You're bound to disagree not only in such a relationship, even when we work together here, we are bound to clash at some point, but the ability to move on from that is what holds the relationship together. The ability to find that maybe I don't like the way this person does something, maybe as simple as brushing your teeth or maybe chewing, but the ability to talk about it and try to make things right. Just for the sake of your partner. That's what keeps a relationship going. So I feel like there are so many people out here who are dating in the right intentions, but we need to, as I always say, the last time I was here, not the last time actually, I think the first or second time I was here, it was a feb and we were talking about Valentine's and I talked about something to do with respecting the institution that is not only marriage but also relationships. If it becomes an issue of I can just work up today and say I like this girl, you talk two weeks, then you're dating. Because you do not respect the institution, you will do anything. But when you respect the entire entity that is dating, you will be able to move forward and make progress. So I believe it's a matter of respecting whatever you're doing. So if you have the right intentions, it will definitely work. I like that you talked about people, you find a girl and you like them and probably in two weeks you get into the dating then. And I was hoping to do something detailed about dating but because you've mentioned it, do you think that when it comes to dating, do you think like people in this country, the young people, that is now people like me and you really understand what dating is because I would say this with different, with time that I've taken to literally really understand how to build relationships. So when it comes to dating, dating doesn't really mean that it is now me being your wife and you being my husband, but we've seen people really go beyond that. The moment someone you're like me and Sefa dating, now Sefa has a million and one expectations, Patricia has a million and one expectations on Sefa. So do you think it's something that we could change when it comes to dating in the country? We cannot put it in the country. In society among the young people. I feel there is a sense of preparedness that needs to come with getting into a relationship. You need to work on building something together, you need to work on first building a friendship, creating that rapport, figuring can even be friends, can even solve issues when there are issues, are we compatible enough? So I feel like there is that process that needs to be followed. Anytime you try to skip a few steps, you may trip and fall. So you need to follow the right steps, you need to meet someone, create an interest, first know them as a friend, as a person. Then from there it can move to other levels. And with doing that you tend to understand them. In between the process you start talking as friends and before you date, if there is any flow that maybe can make it not work, you'll be able to figure it out between that time. But when you just jump into it maybe because you're looking for a rebound, that is actually very common in society. People are trying to get that solace they used to get or maybe that love they used to get. So they rush into the fastest person, into closest personal dates into the IDM. You skip so many steps and eventually realize this guy is not the one. This guy or maybe this lady is not the one. So I feel like this need to follow the process, the new process. That's a societal process. It exists. So if you follow it you'll be able to come up with that good relationship. Okay, so when it comes to, when you talk about expectations and we know the expectations that are literally like very unrealistic but what really should people, let's say like what are the five things? There's something called like the five nanaegushabu when it comes to relationships. What are some of the common expectations that people should have, that ladies should have? Because today we want to hear from the men. So for ladies what she has to write of been doing it the wrong way. What are those extremes that literally you hear ladies say what they want in a man and you sit down and you're like I think you need to revisit that list. First of all, that's a very sensitive question, a very sensitive scenario because it's affecting so many people in society. People have gotten into this societal in discipline whereby you expect to get someone who has everything just hang on there and receive everything because you're a king or you're a queen. You expect to get everything. So the problem is when you're talking about the things the person should bring on the table when you're talking about the tall darken and some people talk about. Yes, when you're talking about I want a rich guy who is stable who has their own car you don't think about what you're bringing to the table because at the end of the road you expect to fill the table from their part. The table is actually very divided equally and you can't expect me to bring so much on my table that it's overflowing yet your part of the table is empty because definitely what's good for the goose is good for the ganda. You don't expect to get something from one side and not from the other side. If you see somebody in society giving you so much from the table they're most probably using you. You're part of the things they're giving you you're part of the property or items that they are putting on the table. If they give you a car and it's what you're just part of that car if you're not bringing something in society like on the table. So I feel like when you're talking about non-negotiables there is always that criteria that I talked about the other time whereby you take a list of ten things that may be those are things that I cannot negotiate maybe I can do without but these are major things that I value it can be physical it can be how somebody is structured it can be how somebody is in terms of the spiritual life it can be financially then from that you'll be able to take at least five things that are non-negotiable then the others will be like if you can compromise a little when you use that criteria it can work because there's no body is perfect you can never get a total ten it's very tough but now when you put in this list down you need to look at yourself when you're saying I want a God fearing person yet you're not God fearing that's just clowning as they call it if you say you want somebody who's financially stable in a relationship many people might say I'm wrong or maybe I'm arguing from the wrong side but anytime you're building a relationship you need to contribute equally not in terms of finances and all that but everybody needs to be part of the process to give something be part of the process Patricia I won't come to you and want to date you when you're at zero when all you want is semi fair semi this I need to see some effort and when you're dating me you want to date me when a man who just stays in the house or maybe does nothing you need to see at least this guy is pushing to get someone this guy has a vision in life okay you talked about vision and there is something that is very difficult and tricky sometimes to understand and some men have used it in their favor where sometimes you find someone and you have to start small together and grow and build but what really now has a lady who is looking out who is looking to find a partner when now we talk about vision and you want to find someone who is vision oriented they may not be winning now but this person literally tells you babu sigali one day we're going to gather and hold that so how really do I get to distinguish between a serious vision oriented guy and someone is just there telling me that we're going to gather just because there are things that you can't think for too long that's why I said if you follow the new process you take the time that is required before a relationship it's not written it's unwritten rules so you don't expect me to defend and say this is it's written that somebody should take this long no it's just a mental issue it's just being realistic so between this time that you're knowing this person as friends when you're moving to some even go through best friends I actually went through that my ex-girlfriend and it was very strong you're still best friends? I will tell you that right now but I would say that when you take the new process you'll be able to figure out because somebody can't fake it forever if somebody is maybe faking being vision oriented or maybe being focused in life it will fade off somewhere tazwayana to at some point tazwayana to then everybody will be like this is the real you because when all is said and done when all the showoff is over all the social media is over and you too meet to talk about your life that's when you'll know this person when there's no influence from society the real person the other thing maybe I can add on that is that I always talk about this thing of a relationship make sure you also have something to give make sure you also have you've also made your strides towards your vision because maybe to say it in kusuli maybe it's because of your life you need to also put effort on your vision you just can say I'll come to your life I'll get everything you did not have a vision for your life you get so you need to sit on the table want to pursue this and this and this I've done this so far this is what you can push towards then I'll say this is what I've been doing on your side I can help you with this and this very small then with time you'll be able to build on that then you'll appreciate it more when you build it together than when you just came and found everything and started using so we're going to be taking a very short break and so far I've said take these for the break so that you don't go if you build it that time that you take to build it it's kind of more beautiful but we come back and see it for those people who build together and then the man runs away after they've built how do we also try to create an understanding and a balance there we take a very short break who'll be right back Y254 Imagine we'll come back and thank you for staring us on Y254 tonight we're talking about what men want in a relationship so far we've talked about very interesting and very informative issues we've gotten to hear literally when it comes to expectations where do we get to draw the line talk to us across our social media platforms that is at Y254 channel you can also reach me at Patricia Murioki before we went for the break I talked about building together and I said I will want to ask on behalf of my fellow sisters someone watching me tonight and they feel like they want to build with this man we say we learn from our history and sometimes someone's case study you can be able to learn one or two from them so when it comes to building together I was supposed to build limits probably don't do it so much before you become the wife anyway tell us as a man are you asking about how much you're supposed to invest into the relationship but even now emotionally or whatever because when it comes to finance that is a very sensitive issue and you don't want to go building with every boyfriend that you find so for those people who are falling in that box where they meet number A and they have invested and they leave their money they meet number B and all that so what discipline should people carry around when it comes to building things together let's talk about boyfriends because in a marriage that is entirely different so let's talk about a boyfriend-girlfriend okay first of all I hope that the building we are talking about is not buying ties and socks because that is and wallets but I would say that when it comes to building together it's an issue that needs time first of all it needs a lot of time needs a lot of consideration needs a lot of wisdom because it's not something you just do immediately you've started dating let's invest maybe in a business let's invest maybe in this in a certain venture when you're talking about building together it's when you've already worked on building yourself building yourself to a certain point building yourself to a level of stability and if you feel like you have a similar interest that is in building together financially if you want to maybe get into a business at a venture together you need to look into a few things because what society has shown us over the years is that the most the not the safest but the closest to the closest you can get to save investment together would be in a marriage because at least you are assured of this this person up to some level because of societal issues but when you're going into a marriage you're already vowed to a level of 100% so you are able to invest together but when it comes to a relationship not unless you've totally agreed and you've put aside the issue of the emotional part you've come up with a financial thinking and you think critically about the workability of the entire issue if you're going to invest in a business how workable is it to run it together in a reasonable way how are we going maybe to run the accounts are we going to have a joint account for the business are we going to have two signatories so that one doesn't have total control of everything so I feel like if you're able to come to a total understanding on that you'll be able to build on something that includes more of what you call witnesses people who are part of the business as witnesses people who can maybe come and say this is what they did together and now maybe they're not together right now these are the shares if they want to maybe get rid of this this is how they're going to share their fortune so if you can get to a point of doing that much it's okay but if you feel like it's still too early you can just invest in yourself because that's what matters at first you need to build your vision first before you come and build our vision and those who forget their visions they want to jump into other persons so we need to justice to this topic tonight getting to talk about emotional maturity or emotional intelligence when it comes to build in a relationship with someone how important is that how important is making sure that before you get into that relationship and this is both for the man and the woman that you're emotional you can call yourself a mature person when it comes to how you deal with your emotional stuff how important is that maybe before I answer that I'm going to get into trouble if I don't appreciate the people who are watching I have a friend called Kenneth he's watching this just for me he's also watching this called MOSES and everybody else who is watching we appreciate you to move forward on what you've asked is that when you want to maybe be sure that you're emotionally ready for a relationship I feel like it's more of looking at other aspects in your life have I made mature decisions in other aspects even on the relationship part maybe I mean a career have I made the right choices in my career how is my career moving at this point is it stable then you go to something else maybe in my social life have I made the right decision am I responsible when it comes to my social life then you go to your finances too have I made the right decisions am I stable so by doing an analysis of those aspects of your life it will be easier to make a decision whether you'll be able to be stable in a relationship that is building the maturity so I feel like if you assess the other aspects of your life you'll be able to also get a clear picture of what you can do in terms of the other the relationship part if you're emotionally mature and you're ready for it when we talk about vulnerability most of the times let's say for example I'm in a relationship as a lady in the relationship I'll find it more easier to go to my partner about so many things like an open book I will not feel ashamed or I will not fear to express myself and to share probably even some details that I wouldn't share with them but men find this very difficult so how now how important is vulnerability like being vulnerable with your partner and how can men be vulnerable I think it's a problem it's a serious problem but it's less of a problem in a realistic way it's less of a problem and more of a situation we all wired differently we all raised differently our environments in growing were not the same maybe somebody was raising an environment where you were open to talk your mind you were open to speak about what you're thinking about your troubles you were able to get vulnerable and people brought up in a way that you were supposed to be strong you were supposed to stay tough on your issues you were supposed to deal with them and many many men out there have actually dealt with that myself and there's no point that I've seen that a man can come to complete vulnerability it's quite tough but what happens is first of all somebody has an issue forcing it I don't keep on saying you need to tell me what's going on tell me it becomes more of a situation than it was before the best way would be to create a scenario or an environment where you can share when you create it with time you create that openness and you start with yourself be vulnerable which time you get into the person and they tend to open up slowly by slowly but the fact that they're not talking about it does not necessarily mean that it's killing them maybe it just means that's how I know how to deal with my issues so I feel like if you also open up on your side create the environment for sharing issues let it not be always let it not always be partying and having fun sometimes you need to have that serious talk open up as you wind up there's one topic that people have really normalized that is infidelity I would like to get your opinion now as safer when it comes to for the number of times people talk about infidelity some of the phrases that people use a man cannot keep one woman with his science and people have a million and one reasons as to why they try to justify infidelity what is your opinion what is your opinion on infidelity and what is the stand that you wish other men would stand with when it comes to infidelity society has planted a cancer in itself that when you get into a relationship you might not be at a point of satisfactory or satisfaction with the one lady you need to see be excited about another one you will spend some time with them and that's the cycle that society has made us believe and it's more our traditions going back all the way to our ancestors they used to marry many wives we are told about stories of grandparents having 6 wives and 30 kids so it's something that most men very unfortunately feel justified to be part of because my grandfather had 3 wives I also feel justified that it makes me more of a man but whatever makes a man a man is away from that it's more of character so if every man would conform to a moral unwritten role as I said actually the way that you want somebody to treat you the way you want this lady to be faithful to you alone is the same way that she wants you to be faithful to her alone so if we can conform to that it can be much easier but as you said for me personally I believe I'm a believer I believe that people should have one wife one husband and focus on building that family because if you build and focus on sharing your issues try to build together, grow together it would be the perfect one and you will need another one thank you very much Sefa for spending 30 minutes that you really shared with us tonight thank you for everything that you've been able to share with our viewers and I hope if you're watching us tonight I hope that you've learned something next week we continue with our journey our relationships and we'll be having some single people in the house to really tell us why have they chosen to be single we also try again to evaluate our society in what probably the norms that are there as far as single good is concerned thank you very much, my name is Patricia Maruki do have yourselves a very good night and build healthy relationships