 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as the squalor. You know friends, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum are glad to bring you Life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama basco in Italy. Dear mommy. It's a funny thing, but you can tell what an American is doing by the way he's a walk. If he's a walker very fast, the he's going to see is a girl. If he's a walker regular, he's going to see a friend. But if he's a walker slow and a sad, he's going to pay his income tax. And a right to now is the income tax season in America, mama mia. Why is it called the income? I don't know. Because if nothing is a come in, everything is a go out. But this week, all Americans, they're busy figuring out how much money they got to send to the government and how they're going to live on what they got left. I'm a learned in my night school class that the reason they got a taxes is so the government can keep working. Mama mia, if it wasn't to depend on my income tax, the government would be out of work. I don't know why I don't make more money mama mia, but I'm a don't. Like every good businessman, I'm a got what they call ledger, where I'm a keeper of my figures. And I left the hand. I'm a write down the money I'm a paid actor on a right to hand the money I'm a took in. So far this year, I'm never used to my right to hand. Well, I'm going to go to my night school class now mama mia. And maybe my teaching Miss Boling is going to tell me how I'm going to figure out how to make my income tax. America, I love you. You like the papa to me. Promotion to all of you. All right class, quiet please. I'll call a roll. Mr. Baskov. Here. Mr. Howard. Here. Mr. Olson. Mr. Schultz. You got your ass. Mr. Schultz, what makes you so exuberant today? Oh, I got it a nice check from the government this morning. Oh, income tax refund? Who knows? When they give, I take. Miss Boling. Yes, Mr. Baskov. I'm going to figure out my income tax. Do you know where I can do this? What's to figure out, Luigi? Send in your bank book to the government and pray they won't ask for more. Schultz, you are not helping, Luigi. That's right. Now class, that will be enough. Mr. Baskov, I'll take up your problem later. Now class, today we have a civics lesson about the government and its expenditures. Now we all know that taxes are necessary to pay for government. So who can tell us some of the ways our government uses your money? Mr. Howard. I don't even know how my wife uses my money. Oh, come Mr. Howard. Well, they use the money to build things. Yes. Build what things, for instance? Oh, lots of things. Would you say public works? Certainly the public works. How else could they pay taxes? Class, let's stop this foolishness. Now who can tell us some of the ways in which the government spends our money? Well, can't anybody tell us where the government's money goes? Doesn't anybody know? I think this calls for a congressional investigation. Mr. Schultz. Messpalding, if you get stuck, just call on me. There he goes, the Swedish doctor IQ. Ignore him, Mr. Olsen. You may answer the question. Last night, besides studying our regular lesson, I studied my encyclopedia. And I found out the government spent over $14 billion on the army and navy. $300 million for post offices. Another $300 million for public roads. Over $6 billion for the Veterans Administration. $650 million for the State Department. Olsen, stop. Leave over something for England. Messpalding. Yes, Mr. Baskov? Where am I going to go, they should have figured out the May income tax. He's back. Well, there are many places you may go, Mr. Baskov. There must be hundreds of excellent accountants right here in Chicago. Slightly, Luigi. If you want, I can recommend you an accountant. Accountant? Luigi Horowitz is right. You go to an accountant, he figures out everything statistically. And you know just what to pay the government. After class, Luigi, I'll give you my accountant's card. Thank you, Horowitz. You think this accountant, he's going to figure out the good for me? My Luigi, what if he don't? What if the accountant sure changes the government a little? Can the government slap a heavy fine on you? Will the FBI investigate you? Will they clump you away in jail? Sure, sir, will they? Luigi, if they didn't, who would go to see an accountant? Hello, hello. Hello, Mr. Baskov. Hey, what are you doing with that book under your arm, a little banana nose? Well, that's my business, the book of Baskov Ali. I'm going to figure out what I'm going to do with the government and the taxes. Look at what's the support in the United States. Broken down a little of cabbage pussy. Luigi, if America was to depend on you for a living, it would have to move to Mexico. And by the way, if you're going to figure out your income tax, so why are you walking in the street with your business book? I'm going to see an accountant. Accountant? Yeah, that's, uh, Haruichi, he's a recommended me somebody. He's a fellow that's taken my assets, equal with my deficits, make a trial of balance. Then he's got a figure from my debits in a credit. That's about it, Luigi. You swallow an ad in the machine? They should have put you in charge of the Marshall Plan, and two months it would be the Morris Plan. Oh, what a boob. Haruichi, accountant, deficits. Luigi, always you in trouble. You're running around and there, here, everywhere for information. When I'm sitting here with the facts in my head, and you could have come straight to the dope. You know, you're so right, Pasquale. Nobody's a bigger dope than you. That's a funny thing. When I'm a say it, it's a come out of different. Ah, Luigi, forget this accountant. I'm going to do all of the work for you for nothing. For nothing? Yes. Thank you, Pasquale. But, hey, do you know how to make out a tax of good? Luigi, if I didn't, would the government send three or four men every year just to look at my tax of returns? Oh, then maybe you can help me move with my tax of Pasquale. Surely, little pumpkin ahead. Luigi, is there nothing I don't know about figures, and the numbers, and the statistics? Now, the first thing that the government wants to know is how many dependency you've got. Dependency? Yes. In your declaration, you've got to tell them exactly how many dependency you've got. This law was passed in 1776. The Declaration of Dependency. Ah, sure. How many dependence I got of Pasquale? Not enough. That's the way they got you, Luigi. You're living alone a miserable little bachelor making millions of American girls unhappy by not to get married. So the government gets a revenge on you. A revenge? How? They make you fill out the long form. You see, normally, since you're only five foot, six inches, you want to fill out a shorter form. But to punish you for being a spencer, they make out a bigger list of taxes for you. You're stuck with a longer form. Pasquale, is this really true? What do you think? I'm smart enough to make all this up for my own head? Luigi is a dark, dark day ahead of you unless... Unless what? Unless you surprise him by suddenly getting yourself a new dependent. But Pasquale, where am I going to get a dependent? Marry my daughter Rosa. Back into the long form. And now Pasquale, your answers are still unknown. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go... Now, wait, wait. To give me that, the business or book of yours, I'll help you out anyway. I don't know why I got such a soft spot in my head for you. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. Some business led you. Nickel and notebook and undercovers a picture of Gene Autry. And you keep quiet while I figure out your taxes. Let's see, you earned $400 the last year. Spent $825. That's $825 minus $400. Carried down a five, push over one to zero. Squeeze in a six, move over to four. Now, we'll press it down to seven. Add the luxury tax for being a bachelor. Times it by 10% amusement tax. Add two and a half city sales tax. Now, we bring down the four, scratch out this two. And we add a zero for every year you've got to wait before you're a citizen. That's a come out Luigi. I got a terrible annouser for you. You know how much you owe the government? How much? $300,000. $300,000? Pasquale, that's impossible. I wouldn't have believed it unless I did it myself. What a prosperity I can't repay what I'm going to do. Stop beggin' for mercy. Pay your taxes like every honest American. How about a prosperity? You think maybe you pushed in a couple of zeros or too much? Look, you taxadagy, your troubles is just a start. Treasury departments are very strict. Comes a March of 15th, President Truman has a look over the books. He's going to say, Morgan Towers are $300,000 a mission for that new battleship. Where's the money? Morgan Towers will say, sorry Harry, Bosco is going to come through with his money. And Luigi, on account of you, Admiral Halsey is going to live in a robo. Money. And another thing, you ain't going to be tried in a plane a little bit like the Supreme. You're going to be tried in a special income tax, a quarter for broke immigrants. The CPA. CPA, what's that? Quarter for poor aliens. Luigi, I'd like to say a word about Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum and the enjoyment it can give you. It's fun to sink your teeth into a good piece of gum and chew for as long as you want. What's more, delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum is chock full of lively, real mint flavor that cools your mouth, freshens your taste and sweetens your breath. So enjoy chewing Wrigley's Spearmint Gum often. It costs so little and tastes so good. Now let's turn to page two of Luigi Bosco's letter to his mother and ifler. Can I show mom and me? I'm sitting here in my store and I don't know what to do about the plan of my income tax. $300,000. Mom and me, I'm a no taxes. It was a high in America, but they're not so high. Anyway. Luigi, my fellow boob. Oh, hello. Luigi, why have you got it? Your suitcases packed. Where are you going? Alcatraz. What? Luigi says that's where I'm going to go. Luigi, don't you think you would have more fun in Florida for the winter? Ah, you little schnitzel cop. What's this talk about, Alcatraz? Has Pascuali been teasing you again? Here's a figure out, I'm all a government of $300,000. $300,000? Luigi, for that, the government would sell you a half interest in Fort Knox. Where did Pascuali get that figure from? He's told me I'm bachelor, and if I'm a married I sell wholesale. Then, then of the government, there's going to be an excuse of luxury tax, and let me sign the Declaration of Independence in the 1776. Oh, that scheming Pascuali, he got you for shimmered. Luigi, don't you know you can't possibly owe the government $300,000? It only seems that way when you send in the cheque. Then it should say how much you owe them? How much should the government want you from me? That's very easy to figure. How much money did you make last year? $400. That's what the government wants. Huh? Smile, Luigi, I'm just making a joke. Look, the chances are with the money you earned last year, your taxes can't amount to more than a few dollars. A few dollars, sir? Sure, sir. How am I kind of know for sure? For sure, for sure nobody knows. No, no, wait, wait. Into my head, an idea just pooped. Why, why don't you go stray downtown to the income tax department where the government man figures you out your taxes for nothing? The government man, he does this for me? Sure. Well, sure, sir. That's a wonderful idea. I'm going to go right now. Good. Now, cheer up, Luigi. Smile. Be like me happy. Always loving. Oh, my rheumatism is killing me. Oh, that little wiener schnitzel. Hey, Schultz! Oh, hello. Pasquale, why don't you stop frightening Luigi? What's the idea telling him he owes the government all that money? Oh, I was just pulling his leg. And what did you expect to fall out? $300,000? How old are your horses, Mr. Delicatessen? Well, it's lucky I came along and told him to go downtown to the income tax department. Why don't you ever give Luigi some sensible advice like that? Schultz, look out of my side. Have you got a 250-pound daughter you're trying to marry off? That poor little Luigi between you and Rosa in the income tax department Maybe he is better off in a nice peaceful place like Alcatraz. Goodbye. Luigi's going downtown to the government tax man. They can as a business to let you with him. I've got to do something. Oh, I'm so smart I should have my head examined. There's that the monopoly game that Rosa gave me for Christmas. Show up at this little scheme of work so Luigi's are going to be happy to settle with the government for only $300,000. Mr. Grale, I'm going to want to talk to you. I know you saw Luigi. I was only having a fun with you. Please forget it. What's happened is all the past is a water under the bridges. Mr. Grale, I'm going downtown to let another see income tax man. We'll go back. Luigi, I said I was sorry to be man enough to accept my apologizes. All right. All right. I apologize. Good. Now take easy as no rush. Sit down and we'll play a little monopoly. Monopoly? What's that? It's a game. Something like that card game I thought you can answer. Only this monopoly game is going to teach you all about high finances and a big businesses. So when you talk to the income tax man, you want to sound like a greenhorn. Oh, good. Now I'm going to spread out this monopoly board. Hey, you look very pretty. What's this again, Mr. Grale? Monopoly. Now look, you see these little things here, they stand for buildings, you see? And these are little blocks. They stand for railroads. These are for banks. Now to start the game, you get four railroads, two hotels, six blocks of real estate, and 75,000 dollars. That's right. That's a game. That's right. Remember everything you own, Luigi? Well, maybe I'd better write it all down in your business ledger book. In my ledger book? Don't worry. I use this empty page here. I like it. I like it. But if I square it, how do we know who's the winner of the game? Oh, we roll the dice, you see? I dare it for you to win over all of my buildings and my railroads, and every time you win, I'm going to write it down in your ledger book, understand? I should have. I had my square, it sounds like a funner. Come on, that's the plan. All right. I roll the dice. I like it. Oh, Luigi, you're just the one and a half of Michigan Boulevard. I'm lucky, huh? Sure, wait. I'll write it down in your book. All right. Hey, Luigi, if you like to keep something, by the time you see that income tax amount, are you going to be a millionaire? Yeah, I'm going to be a millionaire. Thank you for your help, Mr. Byron. All right, all right. Glad to be of service. Mr. Baskov? President, I mean, here I am at Mr. Taximan. I believe you're next. Would you come in, please? Oh, thank you. Now, where are your records? Huh? Didn't you bring your records with you? Oh, you like the music. I meant your tax records. Oh, sure, sure. Here, my business is a book. I see. Don't you have a checking account? No. I had to check a book once, my first week in America, but no more. Why not? It was only 20 checks in a book, and I'm going to use them all up. Well, you could have gotten another book. No. I'm going to use up all of my money, too. Oh, I see. You said before that you did make out 20 checks. Sure. Where are the stubs? Huh? Don't you have the stubs? No, I'm an ever-smokersy guy. Never mind, never mind. I'll go over the figures in your book. All right. You're not going to find it too much of that. Just tell us how I'm a maid of $400 and a spent to 8 to 25. Seems to me that you're underestimating yourself. How much money would you say you're worth, Mr. Basko? All of it together? Yes, all together. How much money are you worth today? Wait. I'm looking in my pocket. Oh, come, come, Mr. Basko. Let's not be modest. It strikes me as rather peculiar that a man with your vast resources should use such a simple little ledger book. Mr. What are you talking about? Here it is. You own the Metropolitan Life Insurance Building. Me? I'm lucky if I can make a payment out of my blue-shielded medical plan. Don't you own the entire block on 1890 North French Boulevard? What? How would I even own a bottle of 1890 French address in it? Now don't pretend ignorance. Right here in your book. You're holding to spread all over the world. $4 million in cash in the California Bank. 135,000 shares Santa Fe Railway, the Waldorf Astoria Hotel and three coffee plantations in Brazil. I'm honolistic. Yes. If I'm a harassing guy, I would offer to you. You're wealthy. You're crazy. Mr. Basko, let's not waste any more time. It's all down here in black and white. Impossible. I may use a blue ink. Mr. Basko, you're treating this entire thing as a game. Again? Oh, that's all right. Let me see those pictures. Oh, Mr. Intercom attacks a man. That's a Bascuali's fault. He's a monopoly. Oh, monopoly, eh? Don't you know that's a violation of the Sherman anti-trust law? Oh, no, that's how wrong you are. I'm a guy with no anti-trust. I'm only got the Uncle Pietro. And all he's got is a goat. Oh, please, please, Mr. Intercom, a man. Please, believe me. Here as fast as you call me. Mr. Bascuali, how many of the worst trouble of my life? Intercom attacks a man in that office. He says I'm all the government of one million dollars. Because of what you wrote in my book from that monopoly game. You men say he's a no-believer. It was a game. No, Bascuali, please. You've got to go to his office and explain everything. Oh, sweet. Luigi, for 16 months, I've been trying to get you with this bad trap, and now you caught it. Well, what do you say, my son? I'd like to call in the better, Papa. Well, Luigi's ready to marry you, and this time is for real. What's the racket out here? Oh, Mr. Intercom attacks a man. I'm a Bascuali. The man Luigi's called down to display to you about the monopoly game. See, I even brought the game with me. Hand writing in that book is mine. Empty out of Luigi's pockets. You're going to find a lot of breadcrumbs for the birdies. Well, if you say so, all right, Mr. Bascuali. I'm glad you explained the whole thing to me. I guess it was a little far-fetched. Sure, sure. Look, I'm a Luigi Bascua, so go to Sumerian, and I'm ready to stand and pay whatever income tax he's owe you. Well, that's very nice. Naturally, he doesn't owe us a million dollars. I have the new figure based on the revised estimate. Good. I got it. My checkbook is ready to pay you. How much is the amount? $80,000. I'm going to... $80,000. You may get out to the Department of Internal Revenue. Rosa, come over to me. We late for supper. Oh, supper! Have it up, Bascuali. Please. What about that you promised like it wasn't made up? Don't you want to meet for a son-in-law? Never saw you before in my life, though I never want to see you again. Besides, for $80,000, I can get a roll of... a roll of goodness. He was really mad, wasn't he? Yeah. I think maybe he's never going to ask me again to marry Rosa. Oh, Mr. Internal Amen. I'll find a fellow for helping me to play such a joke on a Bascuali. Well, when I saw the joke that he had played on you, I just couldn't resist helping you get even with him. You know, people, they say, you want to come and tax the fellows, you're very hard. I think you're very soft. Well, thank you. Mr. Bascuali, you understand that what I just did was highly irregular and unofficial. Please don't mention this incident to anyone. Oh, don't worry. I'm happier to my friend who should have been Uncle Sam than a Papa Bascuali. And so, ma'am, I mean, everything has turned out alright with the government. And later, the taxa-men has figured out that my taxa for it in 1949. I'm going to read to some place that a government is expected to take in this year 46 billion, 361 million, 740,000, 121 dollars and a 56 cents. Mama mia, I'm proud to tell you that the one dollar and a 56 cents is what I'm paying. You're the son of Luigi Bascuali, a little immigrant. The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi, and they'd like to remind you that Wrigley's Spearman is a good, wholesome treat for the whole family. Children like it and grown-ups like it. Best of all, a stick of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a perfect treat to enjoy between meals. It's refreshing, it's satisfying, yet it won't dull the appetite. So always keep a few packages of delicious Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum handy. Let your family enjoy it often. The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum will listen next week at this time when Luigi Bascual writes another letter to his mama Bascual in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Cy Howard production and is written by Mack Benhoff and Lou Derman and directed by Mack Benhoff. Dave Carrol Nash is starred as Luigi Bascual with Alan Redis-Bascuali, Hans Conrad Schultz, Jodie Gilbert is Rosa, Mary Schiff is Miss Faulding, Joe Forte is Horowitz, and Ken Peters is Olsen. Music is under the direction of Vlad Boskin. Friends, the Wrigley Company invite you to listen to their other program, a gene-offery show every Saturday night over most of the same CBS station. Bob Stephenson speaking, this is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.