 In his play, No Exit, Jean-Paul Sartre said, Hell is other people. Today I am going to describe to you various types of Hell in unusual couplings, unusual couples. Couples that are not as common as the narcissistic borderline couple, for example. Each and every one of these couples has its own dynamic. So a co-dependent, co-dependent couple, a covert, covert couple, and a narcissist, narcissist couple. Jean-Paul Sartre was interviewed in 1964 and recorded an oral preface of his play. He said that his statement, Hell is other people, is misunderstood. He said, It has been thought that what I meant by that was that our relations with other people are always poisoned, that they are invariably hellish relations. But what I really mean is something totally different. I mean that if relations with someone else are twisted, vitiated, corrupted, then that other person can only be Hell. It seems that what Sartre meant was that Hell for other people is conditional. For other people to be our Hell, the relationship with them has to be bad. Sartre continued, If my relations are bad, I am situating myself in a total dependence on someone else. And then I am indeed in Hell. And there are a vast number of people in the world who are in Hell because they are too dependent on the judgment of other people. But that does not at all mean that one cannot have relations with other people. It simply brings out the capital importance of all other people for each one of us. The other side of the coin, which no one seems to mention, is heaven is each other. Hell according to Sartre is separateness, uncommunicability, self-centeredness, lust for power, for riches, for fame, heaven is very simple and very hard, caring about yourself and your fellow beings. Today we are going to descend into Hell and to describe hellish situations of people who are dependent on each other to the point that they hate each other. Needless to say that two narcissists of the same type, two somatic narcissists, two cerebral narcissists, classic narcissists, compensatory, covert, inverted, two narcissists of the same kind cannot maintain a stable, long-term, full-fledged and functional relationship. But they have to be of the same kind. Two narcissists of the opposite kind can and do have long-term profitable relationships. I will dwell upon this in a few minutes. Let us start with the covert narcissists. There's a subtype of covert narcissists, which I was the first to describe, inverted narcissists. Inverted narcissists is a narcissist codependent, someone who is codependent but also narcissistic. And for her to derive narcissistic supply, she teams up with a classic grandiose overt narcissist. She basks in his glow, she enjoys his borrowed light, she is like the moon to his sun. But not all covert narcissists are inverted narcissists, though all inverted narcissists are covert, they're shy and fragile. Anyhow, covert narcissists are self-centered, they're sensitive, they're vulnerable, they're defensive, they're hostile, they're passive aggressive, they're paranoid. Exactly like the classic variety of narcissists, the covert narcissists harbors his grandiose fantasies and a strong sense of entitlement. He tends to be exploitative, albeit stealthily and subtly. And yes, before I proceed, and before you start, he and she are interchangeable. Gender pronouns. There's an equal number of women and men nowadays diagnosed with narcissism. So please bear with me, I'm a Victorian and the literary tradition is to use he. Now, covert narcissists are aware of their innate limitations and shortcomings. So they constantly fret and stress over their inability to fulfill their unrealistic dreams and expectations. They are constantly frustrated. They avoid recognition, competition and the limelight for fear of being exposed as frauds, the imposter syndrome, or for fear of failing. They are ostentatiously humble and modest. This is known as pseudo-humility. Now, this is the picture of the covert narcissists externally. This is how it is to cohabit, live with, form a relationship with a covert narcissist. It's not the kind of person you could accommodate for long. Covert narcissists internally often feel guilty and ashamed of their socially impermissible aggressive urges and desires, and this sets them apart from the overt grandiose classic phallic narcissist who is never ashamed and never has remorse. In this sense, the overt or grandiose narcissist is much closer to the psychopath than the covert narcissist. This is one of the reasons, this guilt and shame. These are the reasons why the covert narcissist is shy, an unassertive and intensely self-critical perfectionistic and this inner conflict between an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, a bad object and a grandiose false sense. This conflict results or dissonance results in mood and anxiety disorders. Hovered narcissists team up sometimes with classic narcissists, but in secret they resent and envy them. So this is the picture. This is the unlikely couple of covert and overt narcissists. One of them dominates, the other is submissive. One of them is envious, the other one triggers and provokes him often on purpose and sadistically one of them is subterranean, subterfugial, passive aggressive, cunning but in stealth and secret. The other one is openly contemptuous and psychopathic, goal-oriented in many ways. And this is the combination. It survives only because the overt classic or covert narcissist generates narcissistic supply which the covert narcissist then consumes. Inverted narcissists may be the outcome of arrested narcissistic development. The formation of the false self may have been disrupted and is incomplete and the inverted narcissistic force to resort to and depend upon the false self of another narcissist, her partner, in order to regulate her sense of self-worth. But in all types of covert narcissists there is a sense, a deep-set sense of failure and inferiority, morose self-doubts, a marked propensity towards feeling ashamed, fragility, a relentless search for glory and power which is constantly frustrated, hindered and obstructed, a marked sensitivity to criticism and to realistic and anticipatory setbacks. There is an inability to genuinely depend on other people, to trust. There is a chronic envy of other people's talents, possessions and capacity for deep object relations or success. There is a lack of regard for boundaries of any kind, including generational boundaries in a disregard for other people's time and there is passive aggression. For example, silent treatment, the refusal to communicate is much more common with covert narcissists. There's a readiness to shift values in order to carry or gain favor and in this sense covert narcissists are very similar to borderlines. There's identity disturbance but in the case of the covert narcissists the shift from one identity to another is very much conscious while in the case of the borderline is triggered automatically and unconsciously. There's pathological line in covert narcissism, a materialistic lifestyle, delinquent tendencies and irreverence towards authority, consumatiousness. Covert narcissists is unable to remain in love though there are studies that indicate that covert narcissists as opposed to grandiose overt narcissists are capable of loving, they are capable of getting attached and bonding but it never holds water, it never survives. It's very short-term and short-lived and in this sense again they're very similar to borderlines. There's an impaired capacity to view the romantic partner as a separate individual with his or her own interests, rights and values. There's an inability to genuinely comprehend taboos such as the incest taboo and there's a lot in the case of covert narcissism, there are many many unusual non-conventional sexual behaviors anything from kink to parapherias. The covert narcissists tends to change the meaning of reality when he is faced with a threat to his self-esteem and so when a covert narcissist teams up with another covert narcissists or with an overt narcissist the dynamic is a bit different. A covert which teams up with another covert is going to force the other covert to become overt. One of the coverts in a covert-covert relationship will push his intimate partner to become grandiosly overt a classic narcissist. It's like we'll push the other partner to go out and bring home the bacon of narcissistic supply. This is the most prevalent dynamic in covert-covert relationships. When the covert teams up with an overt then I described it before. Okay this is very similar to what would happen if two co-dependents were to create a dynamic, a relationship it would be unsustainable. Co-dependents are people who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and regulation. Other people perform for the co-dependent ego functions and daily functions including reality testing and so in this sense the co-dependent is almost indistinguishable from the borderline. Co-dependents display immature behaviors in an effort to maintain their relationship with their companion or with their mate upon whom they depend. They demand parenting or they themselves parent. So there is a strong element of parentification in co-dependent relationships and it is exclusive when there are two co-dependents in a relationship because both of them compete for the parental role and when they fail one of them infantilizes and regresses dramatically and becomes in effect highly narcissistic. Now exactly like dependents people with dependent personalities or co-dependents depend on other people for their emotional gratification and regulation but also for the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological functions. The co-dependents seek to fuse or merge with their significant others by becoming one with their intimate partners co-dependents are able to actually love themselves by loving via loving others. So it's very similar to the Hall of Mirrors dual mothership shared fantasy dynamic with a narcissist. In effect co-dependents convert forcefully convert their partners into narcissists the same way a covert order line converts her partner to a narcissist a strong strong communication or signaling of expectations. This is what I want you to be if you love me you're going to do this for me co-dependents are needy they're demanding and they are submissive this is called control from the bottom the controlling from the bottom they emotionally black blackmail the intimate partner they suffer from abandonment anxiety to avoid being overwhelmed by it they cling to other people they act immaturely because they want to provoke for example maternal or paternal instincts in the partner and they emotionally blackmail by telling the partner I can't survive without you I'm going to die if you leave me these behaviors are intended to elicit protective responses and to safeguard the so-called relationship with a companion or mate upon whom they depend co-dependents appear on the surface to be impervious to abuse no matter how badly you they are mistreated co-dependents remain invested and committed in extreme co-dependency this fusion and merger with a significant other leads to in-house stalking by the co-dependent she strives to preserve the integrity and cohesion of her personality and the representations of her loved ones in her mind by constantly being present in their in their lives she stalks them she monopolizes their lives she doesn't let go she wants to document every single minute and witness every occurrence and development and this is the co in co-dependence this is where it comes into play by accepting the roles of victims co-dependence seek to control their abuses and manipulate them control from the bottom as I said it is a dance macabre in which both members of the diet collaborate profitably co-dependence sometimes claims to pity her abuser she casts herself in the grandiose roles of her abuser's savior or redeemer overwhelming empathy imprisons the co-dependent in these dysfunctional relationships and she feels guilt either because she believes that she has driven the abuser to mistreat her she has provoked him somehow or because she contemplates abandoning them and there's a sub-variant of co-dependence known as counter-dependence counter-dependence reject and despise authority they are contrumacious and they often clash with authority figures such as parents but their boss the boss or the law itself but if a counter-dependent who is a co-dependent if it's a co-dependent that is dependent upon her defiance her rejection of the partner so if this type of co-dependent the counter-dependent perceives her intimate partner as an authority figure for example a father figure she would attack him viciously she would try to destroy him she would be defiant contrumacious hateful impulsive and reckless in her attempts to disintegrate and dismantle her intimate partner she will become her intimate partner's worst enemy the sense of worth of the co-dependent and their very self-identity are premised on and derived from in other words dependent on these acts the self-identity and the self-worth of the counter-dependent is the direct derivative and outcome of acts of bravura and defiance these counter-dependents are personal autonomy and personal agency militants and fundamentalists they are fiercely uncompromisingly independent controlling self-centered and aggressive many of the of many counter-dependents are anti-social and they use projective identification they force people to behave in ways that buttress and affirm the counter-dependence view of the world and his or her expectations and these behavior patterns often the result of a deep-seated fear of intimacy in an intimate relationship the counter-dependent feels enslaved and snare and captive counter-dependents are locked into approach avoidance repetition compulsion cycles hesitant approach is followed by avoidance of commitment and sometimes vitriolic malevolent rejection counter-dependence are lone wolves their bed team players and if all this is reminiscent of borderline it's for good reason same dynamics exactly operating borderline personality disorder where there is a push and pull between the twin anxieties abandonment anxiety on the one hand separation insecurity and engulfment and enmeshment anxiety on the other hand now let's consider two other types of narcissists the somatic narcissists the cerebral narcissists the so these are these types were first I first I was the first to describe these types or subtypes of narcissists in 1995 I gave them the names of I coined the phrase somatic narcissists and cerebral narcissists the somatic narcissists relies on his body and his sexuality as sources of narcissistic supply the cerebral narcissists uses his intellect his intelligence and his professional accomplishments to obtain the same narcissistic supply so narcissists are either predominantly cerebral or overwhelmingly somatic in other words narcissists either generate the narcissistic supply by using their bodies or by flaunting their amazing pyrotechnic minds the somatic narcissists flashes his sexual conquest parades his possessions puts his muscles on ostentatious display brags about his physical aesthetics or sexual prowess or exploits and is often a health freak and a hypochondriac the cerebral narcissists is annoyed annoyed all haughty and contemptuous and hyper intelligent computer-like person the cerebral uses his awesome intellect or knowledge real or pretended to secure adoration adulation and admiration to the cerebral narcissists his body and its maintenance are a burden a distraction a mere container for his amazing unprecedented brain both types of narcissists the somatic and the cerebral are auto erotic they are psychosexual in love with themselves with their bodies and with their brains both types prefer masturbation to adult mature interactive multi-dimensional and emotion laden sex the cerebral narcissist is often celibate even when he has a girlfriend or a spouse he avoids or shuns sex to the best of his ability he prefers pornography and sexual auto stimulation to the real thing the cerebral narcissists is sometimes a latent latent hidden not yet outed homosexual the somatic narcissist on the other hand uses other people's bodies to masturbate with sex with the somatic narcissists pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside sex is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience the partner of the somatic narcissist is often treated as an object an extension a toy a warm and pulsating vibrator it is a mistake to assume type constancy though in other words all narcissists are both somatic and cerebral in each narcissist one of the types is dominant so the narcissist is either largely cerebral or dominantly somatic but the other side the recessive the side that is manifested less frequently this type is there it is lurking waiting to erupt the narcissist swings between his dominant type and his recessive type which manifests mainly after a major narcissistic injury or life crisis the cerebral narcissist brandishes his brain power exhibits his intellectual achievements busks in the attention given to his mind and to its products he hates his body he neglects it the body is a nuisance a burden a derided appendix a decried inconvenience and a punishment the cerebral narcissist is asexual he rarely has sex often years apart he masturbates regularly and very mechanically his fantasies are homosexual or pedophilia or tend to objectify his partner group sex for example he stays away from women because he perceives women to be ruthless predators who are out to consume him and what's his the cerebral narcissist typically goes through a few major life crises he gets divorced he goes bankrupt he does time in prison he is threatened harassed and stoke is often devalued betrayed denigrated and insulted he is prone to all manner of chronic illnesses invariably following each life crisis the somatic narcissist inside the cerebral narcissist the somatic side of the cerebral narcissist takes over the cerebral narcissist suddenly becomes a lascivious letter a philanderer when this happens the narcissist maintains a few relationships replete with abundant and addictive sex and these relationships are going simultaneously he sometimes participates and initiates group sex and mass orgies he exercises he loses ways he owns his body into an irresistible proposition and this outburst of unrestrained primordial lust wanes in a few months and he settles back into his cerebral ways no sex no women no body these total reversals of character stun the cerebral narcissist's mates and intimate partners his girlfriend or his spouse find it impossible to digest these eerie transformations from a gregarious darkly handsome well-built and sexually insatiable person that swept them off their feet to the bodiless bookwormish hermit with not an inkling of interest of interest in either sex or other carnal pleasures the cerebral narcissist misses his somatic half but finding a balance is a doomed quest the satire this the the satiric side with a with a y that is the somatic narcissist this sexually insatiable part that is the somatic narcissist is forever trapped in the intellectual cage of the cerebral one in the brain and so if both members of the couple are cerebral narcissists for instance if both of them are scholars the resulting competition prevents them from serving as ample sources of narcissistic supply to each other finally the mutual admiration society crumbles and envy pernicious envy sets in and then malevolent and vicious attacks on each other consumed by the pursuit of their own narcissistic gratification two cerebral narcissists or two somatic narcissists have no time or energy or will left no time no energy or will left to cater to the narcissistic needs of their intimate partners moreover the partner is perceived as a dangerous and vicious contender for a scarce resource narcissistic supply and its sources this may be less true if the two narcissists work in totally unrelated academic or intellectual fields but this is a mild amelioration and mitigation if the narcissists involved are of the same type the relationship devolves into acrimony and worse but if the narcissists involved are of different types if one of them is cerebral and one of them is somatic for example a long-term relationship based on the mutual provision of narcissistic supply can definitely survive example if one of the narcissists is somatic uses his or her body as a source of narcissistic gratification and the other member of the couple the other the intimate partner is cerebral uses his intellect or his professional achievements as a source there is nothing to destabilize such a collaboration nothing to destroy such a relationship it is even potentially emotionally rewarding the relationship between these two narcissists between a somatic and a cerebral resembles the one that exists between an artist and his art or a collector and his collection this can and does change of course as the narcissists involved grow older flabbier and less agile intellectually the somatic narcissists is also prone to multiple sexual relationships and encounters they're intended to support his somatic and sexual self-image but these constant dalliances this constant affairs this constant cheating may subject the relationship to fracturing strains this is why typically cerebral and somatic narcissists when they are in a couple they agree on having an open relationship an open marriage polyamory swinging or something like that and so all in all a stable and enduring relationship can and often does develop between dissimilar narcissists narcissists of different types this rule of thumb or thumb opposite and opposites attract does not apply to the classic inverted pairing cerebral narcissists tend to pair with inverted cerebral narcissists who can appreciate their intellectual accomplishments and appropriate them as precariously their own similarly somatic narcissists bond with their inverted somatic counterparts though content to derive a narcissistic supply from the odd reactions to her intimate partner's accomplishments the inverted narcissists being of the same type still feels envious and frustrated by her relative obscurity in the long run the inverted narcissist in the couple succumbs to her self-defeating urges and seeks to ruin the fount of her frustration that her intimate partner despite the fact that he also serves as a prying source of narcissistic supply so let me recap this for you narcissists of the same type can never survive in a relationship cerebral and cerebral somatic and somatic forget about it narcissists of opposing types cerebral and somatic overt and covert can and do survive in the long term profitably in a relationship narcissists and inverted narcissists can have a long term relationship but with growing envy and acrimony because the cerebral narcissists would tend to attract cerebral inverted narcissists and the somatic narcissists would tend to attract inverted somatic narcissists and this would create competition and a lot of envy and a lot of wish to destroy the frustrating object the intimate partner and this is the summary of these bizarre couplings in the cluster B universe I hope you had fun and I hope I did not take you too far into hell and back