 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as Beswally. In all friends, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country and the Wrigley people feel that life with Luigi is a typically American radio program, a friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So they're glad to bring you life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama basco in Italy. Dear mama mia, like you know, I've been going to night school in America for over a year and mama mia, I'm getting so smart that you wouldn't recognize me. So far I've been learning a whole lot about the triage, reading, writing and arithmetic. Why they call this a triage? I don't know because a writing is a starter with a W and arithmetic is a starter with a U. Or maybe it's a starter with an O. Maybe an A. Mama mia, I'm adjust to find out the way is it called the triage. The triage is a sure-how, arithmetic is a spell. But one of the best things in my life here in America is my night to school class. And my teacher is spoiling. Mama mia, she's a beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyes, silky, milky skin and a tit like a puzzle. Mama mia, when she's writing something on a blackboard, there's nobody to look out to the window. But a tomorrow mama mia is a big day for my class in the school. We take a final test and if we pass, we go to the third grade. Anyway, I'm sitting here studying in my book, when it is the time of my countryman of Pasquale. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi, hello, hello. Hello, Pasquale. Study in your school books again, I'll in the banana nose. Yeah, that's right, Pasquale. You see, tomorrow we're taking a final examination. And if we pass, we go to the third grade. Third grade? So proud. So what? Third grade, a fellow your age. I can just see when you graduate, they're going to hand you your diploma in Social Security at the same time. Oh, Pasquale, stop. Are you just a jealousy because you never went to school? Jealous? Look, Luigi, let me explain to you something. In America, when a kid is a smart and they skip him or want a grade, I was so smart that they skipped to my whole education. Luigi, brains you don't get in a school, that's something that's inherited from your family. You see, your grandma and your grandpa, they was a hand their brains down to your mom and a papa. Your mom and a papa hand their brains down to you. That's what they call heresy. Hey, Pasquale, that's very interesting. Hey, look, Luigi, I'm going to show you how smart I am. I was an only son, you see? Which means I got all of the brains from my mom and a papa besides my own and my wife's. I got a four pairs of brains. Pasquale, is this the truth? Sure is the truth. Why do you think my ears stick out like that? Oh, Luigi, you're stupid. Why are you running the school all the time and learning facts which you could put on a pin when I got it all right to hear it in my head? You're so right, Pasquale. You are real a pin ahead. That's a funny thing. It's come out of different. Luigi, how would you like I should have sent you to day school? Day school? Sure, night schools are no good. What can you remember when you learn in the dark? Look, Luigi, I'm getting old and tired. I would have liked to support you so you could have gone to day school all you want if you would have just taken care of my spaghetti palace at night. Help, Pasquale, you would have done this for me. Surely, little pumpkin ahead. There's a few hours at night I would have liked to relax. And you, you stay in my store just like a boss. You take care of the store, you take care of the cash register and while you're doing this, you take care of something else that's belonging to me. Because sure, Pasquale, what do you want time I should have taken care of? My daughter Rosa? What do you say, my son? Tonight to school. Pasquale, I'm going to want to marry Rosa. She's too fat for me. Oh, Luigi. Pasquale, please, I'm going to want to argue. I'm going to get a examination. Oh, look at the timer. I'm going to go to school. All right, Luigi, you go. But if you take a final examination tomorrow and you fail and you come crawling back to me and you say, Pasquale, I'm a disgrace. Please let me marry Rosa and live off of you. You know what I'm going to say to you? What? Hello, my son. Goodbye, my son. All right, last quiet, please. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basquale. Here. Mr. Harwick. Here. Mr. Olsen. And last but not least, Mr. Schultz. I'm last and believe me, I know the least. Oh, thank you, fellow pooper. Mr. Schultz, I hope you're not serious. I expect you to do very well in the final examination tomorrow. Of course, Miss Spaulding. All night long, I was sitting up with my nose in the boat. Well, good. Then you should pass. Well, I don't know about the rest of me, but I'm sure my nose will be promoted. Please smile, everybody. We are all going to pass. Schultz, you got right. With a teacher like Miss Spaulding, how could we fail? You're bad. You'll be in Yemen. You're all right. All right, all right. You think next week at this time, you will all be in the third grade. Ah, Luigi. That's right, Olsen. How is it going to be wonderful? Same friends all together. Same a nice class. And the same a beautiful Miss Spaulding. Well, thank you, Mr. Bast. No, no. It's a true Miss Spaulding. How am I going to tell you? You're really a very beautiful and a lovely girl. Well, that's very sweet. All right, so, Luigi, if the rest of us are in the way, we'd be glad to go home. Oh, very good. You'll be in Yemen, Luigi. Yes, buttering up Miss Spaulding. Buttering her up, he's the whole dairy. Wait a minute. What's right is right, Miss Spaulding. What Luigi said came from the heart. You're a wonderful person, and I would like you to always be our teacher. A second, Olsen. How do you make them? Shall I make it unanimous with a kiss? Well, class, I'm deeply touched, but I don't know what to say. I'm not going with you to the third grade. Miss Spaulding, don't tell us you've been left back. Well, what do you mean, Miss Spaulding? Well, the principal's already given us our assignments for next term, and I'll be teaching the second grade again. I'm sorry. My, my man, this is terrible. Oh, well, who's going to teach the third grade, Miss Spaulding? Mr. Heim. Him or she's a man. Mr. Heim? Oh, he has a terrible reputation. Oh, he is the worst teacher in school. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Yeah, yeah, I spoke to Mr. LaPasque. He's in Mr. Heim's class. And he said he is a... Yes, what did he say? Well, I wouldn't care to use his words. Well, what did he say? Well, he said Mr. Heim is a jerk. Well, I wouldn't judge him until I'd met him. As a matter of fact, he should be here any minute. I've invited him down to meet you. But, Miss Spaulding, isn't there something a week can do? Oh, now, Mr. Basque, I don't... Good evening, Miss Spaulding. Oh, good evening, Mr. Heim. I'd like you to meet my class. Good evening, pupils. Good. God is the pleasure of staying after school. Quiet, all of you. Tomorrow you're taking your final examination. And for my part, I hope you all pass. If you do reach my third grade class, I want you to know I don't tolerate tardiness or absences. I will not stand for inattention, rowdiness or incompetence. All school regulations will be strictly enforced through the letter. And any deviations from normal procedures will be strictly dealt with. Any questions? Yeah. Who do we see for a parole? Very, very funny. You're Mr. Schultz, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. Number 1367. Yes, yes. I've heard all about you. Quite the clown, eh? Well, let me tell you. Please, Mr. Hein, I think I... No, no, please, Mr. Schultz. Don't interrupt the warden. All right, Mr. Schultz and the rest of you. You've had your little laugh. Mr. Schultz, I sympathize with you. They must have been quite a problem. But I assure you it would be a pleasure to take this bunch off your hands next term. Good evening, gentlemen. Good evening. You know something, next term I'm going to keep my tailor shop open evenings. Thank goodness. Class, sir, I'm going to make a bigger decision. I think I'm going to go to day school and marry Russ, sir. Luigi, if I was single, I'd marry her myself. Well, there's the bell. Class dismissed. You may go now. Aren't you leaving? Pleasure. Pleasure, Miss Barthin. You mind if we stretch it out a little bit? We aren't going to be seeing a much more of you. Class, don't feel too badly. I think it'll all work out all right. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to report to the principal. Good night, and good luck on your examinations tomorrow. Fellas, you think Miss Boulding is right? Do you think it's going to boycott? Yeah, well, there's school. There's all kinds of teachers. There's our job to study hard and maybe we get used to here. No, I'm going to leave Miss Boulding. No, no, smile, everybody. What can this Mr. Hein do? If we come in late, can he whip us? If we answer questions wrong, can he hit us with a ruler? If we make a little mistake, can he throw things at us? For the sure thing, can he? I don't know, but tomorrow I am joining Miss Boulding there. Wait a minute, I got an idea. Why don't we draw up a petition that we want to keep Miss Boulding next to him? We'll all sign it and bring it to the principal. That's wonderful. Just a minute, I don't think that's right. When the city supplies us with free education and books, we should go to them and tell them what to do. Listen to Benedict Arnold! Benedict Arnold! Olsen, you want Miss Boulding or don't you? I will tell you as much as you do. Wait a minute. We can't tell them what they should do. But that doesn't mean we can't do what we want. What do you mean, Luigi? When we take it to pass tomorrow, if we fail, then they leave us in a second again. Then we'll have Miss Boulding again. Luigi, you are a genius. Luigi, you are so smart that you should put your brain in a bottle and charge a nickel alone. That's so funny. But hey, you like my idea? I love it. We all failed the examination. All right. Now, what's the plan? Plan? Who needs a plan? We'll all play dumb. Luigi, you hear the people going on a hunger strike? Sure. But tomorrow we'll all go on a stupid strike. Makers of wriggly spearmint chewing gum, the delicious treat that millions enjoy every day, invite you to turn to page 2 of Luigi Vasco's letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, today is the day for the final examination. And your son, Luigi, is doing a very strange thing. He's studying how he should have failed. You see, Mamma Mia, my whole class is going on a stupid strike. So we're going to have our semi-teacher Miss Spaulding in a second grade the next term. Of course, is it going to be harder for Olsen to act the stupid? Mamma Mia, but for the rest of us, it's going to be very easy. To make you sure I'm going to fail Mamma Mia, I'm going to sit in here studying with all of the books that turn upside down. Important thing. Hey, Luigi. Hey, Luigi, why you got cotton stuffed up in your ears? Well, first of all, I'm studying it for my final examination. But when I'm a reader of the book, I don't want to hear what I'm saying because then I might learn something. Oh, Luigi, I think somebody slipped a Mickey in your buttermilk. Luigi, what's it come over you? Yesterday you was giving me a big talk, how much you love the school. Now I come in and find you studying to be an idiot. Even worse than that, I'm a ruler. I love Luigi. Seems it to me you're getting a fed up with a gardener's school so why don't you think over again in my proposition about taking half of my business and marrying a rose? No, no, Pascuali. Luigi, just to look at her, with the weight she's lost and that new dress she's wearing, believe me, she's a sight. Pascuali. Don't beg me, I'm going to call her right now. Rosa, little cupcake. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. I think Luigi's given up some of his high class notions about a gardener's school. Instead he's thinking maybe about getting married and little babies. Rosa, tell Luigi what you think about little babies. Tell Luigi, don't you think it's a good idea? What do you think? You're going to come into my store and Pascuali, now let me explain. I'm still a lover of my school just as much as always, even more. But you see, the reason I'm studying it this way is because I'm going to want to pass the test. What? Well, you see, Miss Spaulding, isn't going to teach you the second grade the next term. So to make sure that we have it again, we're going to fail the test and we're going on a stupider strike. Stupider strike? Uh-huh. Luigi, don't you know that's a violation that has to hardly act? No, Pascuali, stop it. You're just trying to make me worried. All right, all right, then. What's going to happen if the principal would ever find out? And I went to Pascuali, you wouldn't have done it. To me? Luigi, I'm going to keep a secret like a Walter Wynchel. And how about the Rosa? Oh, you know. Rosa, Rosa, what do you think about the secrets? I think every mother should have one. Go, go, go. Go to school, Luigi. I wish you luck. I hope you fail. Well, thank you, Pascuali. I hope everything has come out all right. I'm sure Miss Spaulding would like to have us in a heart class. Just like we would like to have a heart for our teacher. Come in, Miss Spaulding. I have good news for you. You have, Mr. Roy? Yes. I took up that request you made to me last night at the Board of Supervisors. I proved it. Well, if you want to stay with that class so much and they want to stay with you, we see no reason why that shouldn't happen. Oh, that's wonderful. Yes. And if they all pass their final test tonight, you'll be their teacher in the third grade. Mr. Orth, they'll all pass beautifully. I'm going into the class now to give them the test. Why don't you come in with me? All right, I think I will. I think you'll be amazed with their answers. Hey, Schultz. Schultz, do you see her coming in yet? No, no, not yet. Here she comes. Everybody go back to your seats. Well, you and Miss Spaulding will be surprised when I give the wrong answers today. Oh, yeah. I bet she'll fall down in a dead face. Smile, everybody, and be stupid. Yeah, wait. Don't forget, everybody, if you don't know the answer, don't forget. It's a liable to be the right way. Good evening, class. Hello, students. How are you? Class, I brought the principal in so he could listen to you take your final examination. Huh? Now, don't be nervous, gentlemen. I've got a big surprise for you after the test. And then we got a surprise for him. All right, class, no whispering. This is test now. Mr. Horowitz. Oops, I'm elected. Yes, you are. Now, Mr. Horowitz, you may tell us how many states are there in the Union. In the Union? Yes. AF of L or CIO? Mr. Horowitz, you know the answer, I'm sure. Well, we used to have 16 colonies, but when they began to let everybody in, I lost count. Sit down, Mr. Horowitz. Mr. Baskow. Yes, Miss Spaulding. You may tell us how many states are there in the Union. Oh, two, three dozen. I'd better try spelling. Spell banana. All right, banana. A-B-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N. Mr. Baskow. It's a matter of bananas are too long. Split it in half. And there's going to be banana split. Remember your spelling rules. Now, what's the important rule about banana? Never keep them in the refrigerator. No, no, Mr. Baskow, what's the matter with you? No, Miss Spaulding, please, please, Miss Spaulding. Don't worry. What? Just show us, why are you winking at me? I just wanted you to call out me. I should give some right answers. All right, let's see. What are the boundaries of the United States? Well, on the East and West, they got the Atlantic and Pacific. Of course. Yeah, sure. They got those supermarkets all over the country. Spaulding, what kind of answers are these? Well, I can't understand it. No, no, wait, wait. I'm finished yet. Yeah. On the bottom of the United States is the Gulf of Mexico. That's all wet. And on the top is Canada. Dry. I'm thinking I don't understand this, Mr. Orf. Yes. Mr. Orf, and I'm sure I can depend on you. You see, Mr. Orf, Mr. Olsen is one of our brightest students. Mr. Olsen, you may tell us the causes of the Civil War. Well, that's very simple. You see, Lincoln... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Cases of the Civil War. Well, at that time, Abraham Lincoln was having a fight with the Indians about who should be on the penny. Mr. Olsen! So they fought the war, and it was finally decided to put Lincoln on the penny and over him the Indians' name, Oh, no! Well, class, now that Mr. Orf has gone back to his office, I can tell you this. This past hour examination was one of the worst experiences I've ever had. And none of you could answer even one question, right? It's something I'll never understand. Class, shall we tell it? Go ahead, tell it. You smile, Mr. Olsen. The whole thing was a scheme. What? When I was spotting it, you see, we just went on a stupid strike. We answered the questions all around on a purpose. All are going to be left to back, and we're going to be together again in the second grade. In the second grade! In the second grade! Miss Spaulding, what's the matter? You big wonderful fools. I don't know how to say it. Not to Miss Spaulding. Well, after what you told me last night, I went to Mr. Orf and requested that I be allowed to teach you in the third grade. Only this afternoon I received permission. Now that you've failed and you're in the second grade, your teacher will be Mr. Hein. Back to the monster. No, no, Miss Spaulding. This can't be. I'm a can't-to-believe-it. What are we going to do? Well, we're going to go right into the principal and tell him a whole thing. What if he don't believe us? He's got to believe us. Come on everybody, we're going now. Come on, Miss Spaulding. What is it? Mr. Orf, you got to believe us. We did it in another Miss Spaulding. We were going to have a third grade. So we were going to stay in the second grade. And if we were going to fail us, so we're going to stay in the second grade. But you took out the second grade for the third grade. Stop the reading. You are getting him all for shimmer. Mr. Orf, what he's trying to say is this. They purposely failed their examination so they could remain in my second grade class. I refuse to believe it. Mr. Orf, that's true. He was purposely stupid. The whole thing's incredible. You'll all stay in the second grade with Mr. Hyde. But a class, a class, a hot can will improve the... Hello. Hello. This is he. And this is me. What is he want? Hello, Mr. President, for you. Yes. They're going to fail on purpose. Yes. They should be thrown out of school instead of wasting your time. Don't you think so? I don't know. Mr. Orf, please. I'm lucky to talk to you, ma'am. Hello, Pasquale. And some of me. Everything was turned out to fine after all. The principal was very nice. He's understand and he's let us take a test all over again. Oh, we was a plenty nervous. And how hard do we try that? But what the marks we got there? Horowitz 97. Oleson 99. And I'm on the toe. That was not my mark, Mamma Mia. It was my fever while I was taking a test. But it should say... It should say he didn't do so good. Only 50. But the principal has to give him 15 points for the neatness. So he's going to be with us in a tight grade again. 15 points for the neatness. You know something about Mamma Mia? I'm going to think of the principal. I'm going to think of Mr. Heinan either. But it's just like I said in the beginning of this letter. America is the God of the most wonderful system of education. You're loving the son, Luigi Pasquale, the immigrant. The makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi. They present this program each week because they feel that millions of Americans like to listen to the adventures of Luigi just as millions enjoy chewing Wrigley's Spearmint Gum. And the Wrigley people invite you to listen next week at this same time when Luigi Pasquale writes another letter to his mama Pasquale in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Psy Howard production and is written by Mack Benhoff and Blue Derman and directed by Mack Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Pasquale with Alan Reed as the swallow. Hans Family with Schultz, Jodie Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Ship as Miss Balding, Joe Forte as Horowitz and Ken Peters as Olsen. Music is under the direction of Ludbust. The Wrigley Company invites you to listen to their program, The Gene Autry Show every Saturday night over most of these same CBS stations. Bob Stevenson speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.