 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yeah, it's the toasted cigarette. Friends, this is Don Wilson. If you're not getting all the enjoyment you should be getting from your present cigarette, switch to Lucky Strike and see for yourself how much more real deep down smoking enjoyment you get from Lucky's better taste. A Lucky Taste better because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted to taste better. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's fine, naturally good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, find out for yourself. Buy a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the jobs that all men postpone as long as possible is cleaning out the accumulation of junk that gathers in the garage. Well, Jack Benny has put it off as long as possible and as we look in on him, he and Rochester are busy with his chore. Well, now we're beginning to get somewhere, Rochester. Give all those cans and bottles to the junk man. Give the magazines and papers to the paper drive. Yes, sir. Now, what do you want to do with this bicycle? You haven't used it in many years. Well, let's keep it. I'll use it again if I can ever get tires for it. Of course, they're so hard to get, you know. I know the small one is easy, but that great big front one is murderous. They haven't had it that long. Well, the garage is beginning to look a little better now. What's that? It's the mailman. See, I feel sorry for mailmen. They have to walk so much. Benny. Hello. Here, sit down and rest a while. Oh, gee, thanks. Oh, my feet are killing me. Often comfortable. I'm not wearing shoes. These are Dr. Scholl's foot pads. Here's your mail, Mr. Benny. Just some circulars and this copy of Esquire. Well, just put them there on that box. Are you going to look to your copy of Esquire? Oh, later. No wonder you get last when you say you're 39. I almost forgot. Here's your package from the American tobacco company. Oh, yes. Yes, my lucky strikes. You get these packages quite often. Yes, it's a courtesy they show me. You see, ever since I've worked for them, they've sent me two free cartons a week. Oh, gee, that's nice. Well, goodbye. Goodbye. Mr. Benny, let's finish cleaning up the garage. Okay, but first take the mail in the house and put the cigarettes in the machine. I'll finish up here. Yes, sir. Gee, we got the garage looking pretty good now. Let's see. I better put these garden tools out of the way. I won't be needing them for a while. Oh, for heaven's sake, look at this rifle. I almost forgot about it. I remember I bought it a couple of years ago to go hunting with the musicians. Then at the last minute, I couldn't go. The boy said I missed a real good time. That was a funny thing they told me about Sammy, the drummer. They said that in spite of the fact that he's a great, big, rough, tough guy, he cried like a baby when they shot a duck. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did they say they shot a duck or he forgot to duck? I'm going to go next time. It sounds like so much fun shooting Sammy. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. I came over to tell you... How do you feel, kid? Oh, fine. I came over to tell you that I... How'd you know I was in the garage? Rochester told me. What do you want, Dennis? Well, I came over to tell you that I'm running away from home. Oh, for heaven's sakes, another one of these silly things. Not this time. I'm really running away for good. For good? Yeah, and I'm never coming back home again. No kidding, Dennis. Did you tell your mother? She told me. All right, Dennis, tell me. What's the big argument about this time? Well, it wasn't my fault. We were arguing over what to watch on television. On television? Uh-huh. I wanted to watch a movie, and my mother wanted to watch The Greatest Fights of the Century. Oh. What a ham. Always hoping they'll show the time she stopped Galento. Look, Dennis, this is a very interesting discussion. I'd like to continue it and broaden my mind, but I've got work to do. Oh, what are you doing? I'm cleaning out the garage. What are you going to do with that big pile of junk in the middle? That's my car. Now get out of my way. Oh, but Mr. Benny, yeah. Look, Dennis, if you want to hang around, don't bother me. Let me hear you sing the song you're going to do on the show. Okay. Oh, Dennis, the years roll on. I keep telling you what a wonderful singer you are, and sometimes it seems I can't tell you enough. Most singers' voices remain the same, but yours is like old wine that seems to improve with age. You know, really, your voice seems to be more vibrant, more mellow, more... Get it over with. I've got to find a place to sleep tonight. Hey, wait a minute, Dennis. Yeah? I have an empty guest room. You can stay till things quiet down at home. Gee, Mr. Benny, that's the nicest thing that anyone ever did for me, and I hope you don't think I'm ungrateful, but I couldn't move in here. I... Well, I don't like the people in the neighborhood. You mean the Coleman's? No, you. Rochester will put the magazines on top of the newspaper there. Are you going to ignore him, boss? Yes. If you do, sometimes he goes away. I want to clean all the top shelves off, and... Well, say, Mr. Benny, while you and Rochester are working, do you mind if I fool around with this hunting rifle? No, go right ahead. It's loaded. Rochester, after we clean the shelves, I want to be... Hello, Mr. Doorbell, and when nobody answers, I came back here to the garage. Well, I'm glad you did. Say, Mr. Kissle, I just noticed. Isn't your jaw a little swollen? Yeah, my nephew just opened up a dentist's surface, and I went to him this morning. Oh, and you had a tooth pulled? Five of them. You had five bad teeth? Only one bad. Then how come you let him pull the other four? He's a beginner. He needs the experience. But he's going to be a very good dentist, believe me. You know, he's still studying hard. He wants to specialize in stopping pain. He's studying the nerves of the teeth. Really? Yeah. You should see how delicately that gentleman wakes. He removes the nerves from the teeth and hangs them on tiny little racks. Guys, that must be hard work. It's nerve-wracking. Mr. Kissle, you went through all that just to tell me a joke. You're still a little silly from the laughing gas he gave me. He used laughing gas as an anesthetic. Yes, and you know something. It's the silliest thing. He puts the pliers in my mouth, turns on the gas, and it starts. I'm laughing. He's pulling. He's pulling. I'm laughing. Oh, he's such a mish mark. I never had that. How long did you keep laughing? Until he handed me the bill. I don't want to go in and get a glass of water anyway. Well, I better go now. Me too. Excuse me. I'll see you later, fellas. So long. Hello, Claudette. Nice of you to call. Dinner? Saturday night? Oh, sure, sure. Goodbye. Rochester, we have to have Miss Colbert's table claws ready by Saturday night. Then maybe... Oh, the front door. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Don. Come on in. You know, Don, when the doorbell rang, I knew it was you standing on the front porch. How did you know? Because I didn't have to walk to the door. I slid. It was downhill. It was that simple. Ha, ha, ha. Some joke. Big comedian, always making cracks at my expense. Don, I don't know why you should always be so sensitive about it. After all, you are fat. I'll tell you why I resent it. It's not my fault I'm so heavy. It's my glands. Your glands? Yeah, they weigh 200 pounds. Haven't you got a small gland, like 75 pounds? Look, it's about time you stopped kidding me about being fat. Everybody who knows you says you're becoming somewhat chubby yourself. Me? That's ridiculous. For the past dozen years, my weight has always been 160 pounds. Oh, yeah? Well, I'll bet you weigh a lot more than 160 pounds right now. Don, I'll prove to you that you're wrong. Now, follow me. I have some scales in the bathroom. We'll see just how much I do weigh. There we are. Now, here. Here's the scale. I'll get on. All right, I'm on it, Don. Yeah, yeah. Look what it says. 169 pounds. Say, it does say that. Can't understand how I gained so much. Oh, I know what the extra nine pounds is. No, I left my wallet in my other pants. Yeah, I am gaining weight. Don, you get on. I want to see how much you weigh. Well, all right. I never saw that before. A card coming out of a bathroom scale. It's not a card. That's a spring. Imagine me being so much overweight. I'm going to go right on a diet and eat nothing but rye crisp and lettuce. Oh, Jack, that's fine. But I'll tell you something. I just started. What? Well, last week I joined the Beverly Wilshire Health Club and I exercised in the gym over there. I take steam baths and massages and everything. Hey, that sounds great. Yeah, it is. In fact, I'm on my way there now. How about you joining me? Don, you've got a deal. Let's go. Don, where's your car? You want to lose weight? You've got to walk a lot. You're right. I'll tell Rochester I'm leaving. Oh, Rochester! Yes, boss! I'm going over to the Beverly Wilshire Health Club. Shall I get your car out? No, I'm going to walk. Cracked about my car. Come on, Don. Let's go. It's a nice day. Yeah. I love walking here in Beverly Hills. Hey, Jack. What? Isn't that your neighbor's nurse over there pushing the baby carriage? Oh, yes. You know, that baby must be over a year old now. Such a smart baby, too. Yeah, and awfully cute, too. Yeah, here they come. Hello, you cute little thing. Coochie, coochie, coochie! Coochie, coochie, coochie! Jack, Jack, leave the nurse alone. Pay attention to the baby. Oh, yes, my glasses are so thick. Say, nurse, there sure is a sweet baby in there. Oh, really, Miss Year? Is that the baby Trevon? That's how he does it with you. Oh, listen to that. Wait. Now, don't cry. Here's a little game that all babies like. Now, pay attention, baby. This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. The piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy had none. And this little piggy cried, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Jack, Jack, if you want to get to the club, we better get going. Wait till I put my shoe on. Goodbye, baby. Pardon me, Monsieur. We, myself? Would you give me a cigarette, please? What did you say, now? What did you say? She asked me for a cigarette. Here you are, mademoiselle. Oh, la la, lucky strike. Oh, this cigarette is my favorite brand. Well, I'm mighty glad to hear you say it's your favorite brand. You know, it's my favorite, too, mademoiselle. Can you tell me what lucky strikes you can come over to my house? I have a machine full there. Don, ask her if she knows the lucky strike song. I'd like to hear how it sounds in French. Mme Zelle, c'est vous chantier la chanson de Lucky Strike en français? Oh, oui, oui, avec plaisir. Si vous voulez mieux goût dans la cigarette, Lucky Strike est la marque à tester. La tostée donnait à vous le mieux goût. C'est la tostée. Oh, la la, cigarette. Like, dude, everybody on the street is applauding, you know. They all like Lucky Strike. Oh, well, why shouldn't they? Lucky's are clean and fresher, smooth. Yes, yes, they certainly are. Jack, we better hurry. Bonjour, Mme Zelle. Bonjour. Bonjour, Monsieur. Gee, I didn't know she spoke English, you know. Neither did I. You know, when she first came over here, she was a displaced person. Really? Well, everything seems to be in the right place now. Come on, Don, let's go. Well, and Jack, the first thing we'll do when we get to the club is take a steam bath. Oh, yeah, that's what we'll have. How long have we been in the steam room now, Don? No about a half hour. You will have to get out soon. I can't take too much of this heat, you know. There's awfully hot in here. I'll say. Boy, I haven't sweated like this since they closed the banks in 1933. Let's get out of here. Okay. There, Jack, put on these trunks. Gee, this club provides everything. Yeah, it really does. Now let's put on these terry cloth bath robes and go into the gym and meet the instructor. I'm right with you, Don. Oh, here's the instructor now. Oh, hello, Mr. Wilson. Hello, K.O. Jack, this is K.O. Stevens. K.O., this is Jack Benny. Hey, Jack Benny from Radio & Television. Pleased to meet you, K.O. The feeling is mutual. You know, Jack, K.O. used to be a prize fighter. Yeah, that's right, Mr. Benny. I had my first fight in 1940. Really? Yeah, I spent 12 years in a ring. 12 years, huh? Yeah, but I finally came to, got up and went home. Okay, gentlemen, take off your bath robes. Okay. Now, before we start, Mr. Benny, I want to see your physique so I can know what exercises to give you. Turn around a couple of times. All right. Well, how do I look? No wonder you get last when you say you're 39. What? I think I'll start you and Mr. Wilson off with a regular bending exercises. You ready? I'm ready, K.O. Me, too. Okay, now as I count, bend down and touch the floor. Okay. Okay. One, two, three, four. Bend down and touch the floor. One, two, three. Mr. Wilson, you're supposed to touch the floor with your fingers, not your stomach. Yes, Don, you're not getting any benefit out of this. Hey, look, I think that'll be all for today. That's all? Yeah, there's no sense in overtone at the first time. Say, K.O., I don't want to get personal, but I'd like to ask you why boxers always do that. Do what? Whenever boxers talk, they go all the time. Well, I don't know why the rest of them do it, but I got a cold. I'm glad you explained that. Well, I'll go back in the steam room for about 10 minutes before I go on home. Oh. Okay, come on, Don. Let's see. This is the steam room here. Gee, the steam is much thicker than when we left. I can't see a thing. That same here. Doesn't steam as hot though? Yeah. Let's see if we can find a place to sit down. I can't see. Either can I, but follow me. Maybe we can find... Whoops, sorry I bumped into you. That's all right. I can't see a thing either. Don, what's a woman doing in the steam room? This is no steam room. This is Santa Monica Boulevard. I'll be darned. The smog is awful. Come on, Don. Let's get back in. Just before Jack comes back again, here's a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yeah, it's the toasted cigarette. They take fine tobacco with light. Tobacco with mild tobacco too. And it's toasted, yes, it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. But yet it becomes a cigarette. All you have to do is look at a pack of Lucky's friends, and you'll see the reasons for Lucky's better taste printed right on the pack. LSMFT, Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. Light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. And it's toasted. It's toasted to taste better. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's fine tobacco, bringing it to its peak of flavor, making it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So be happy. Go Lucky. Make your next carton of cigarettes better tasting Lucky Strike. We're a little late, so good night, folks. The Jacqueline program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Joseph Berg, George Balzer, John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, here's the true tobacco taste you've been looking for. Filter-tipped Tarleton gives you all the full, rich flavor of Tarleton's famous quality tobacco. And real filtration, too. Filter-tipped Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration, and used far and wide to purify the air we breathe, the water and beverages we drink. Look for the red, white, and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter-tipped Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jacqueline program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.